Great News (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Good morning, everyone.
- Happy Friday! Ugh! This meeting is taking forever.
Yeah, get to the point, Greg.
We didn't come here to watch your one-man show.
Okay, I get it.
It's been a long week.
A long, dark, snowy winter.
But it's almost the weekend, isn't it? Maybe it'll be sunny.
I can take my kite out.
Okay! Who has segment pitches? It's gonna snow again this weekend.
Shut up, bitch! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
That is not your fault.
Yeah.
I don't control the weather.
I mean, not yet.
Good morning, everyone! Who wants lemon squares? Don't take one.
Her lemon squares are always a trap.
Then you should have come to staff karaoke last night.
None of you showed up.
Squiggle, squiggle, circle Line thing that looks like a table Can I pick the next song? No! Where were you guys? I'm sorry, Carol.
When you sent the e-vite, I thought it was a joke.
I mean, because why would I wanna hang out with these people? I don't think that's funny, Chuck.
I thought we were all friends.
We can't stand each other! You know the hardest part about earning so much money? Not knowing if you'll be able to spend it all before you die.
Hi.
Sir, did you wanna see me? Oh, yeah.
I'm doing a piece on a new drug-resistant superbug.
I want you to produce it.
You're doing a good job around here I think you're up to it.
Wait for real? Thank you, sir.
I have to call my sixth grade English teacher and tell her she was wrong about me.
Mrs.
Alfieri? Oh, she died? Where's her grave? Hey, Greg, Greg! Can I talk to you about something? I'm not buying any more of your candy bars, Carol.
I know it's a scam, and you're not on a basketball team.
It's about the staff.
I wanna know why people aren't friends around here.
- It's a problem! - Look, I'm sorry no one went to your karaoke party.
It's not just about karaoke.
It's people's bad 'tudes! It's really affecting the work Look! Nobody even showed up for staff photo! It's not normal, Greg.
I talked to the intern from "Morning Wined Up" and their staff hangs out all the time.
You want us to be more like "Morning Wined Up" with Kelly and Mary-Kelly.
Okay, now I like this duvet.
Put it in your cart! Put it in your cart! Mary-Kelly, you are the reason the bank took my house.
Ha ha ha! What am I saying? I don't have a house.
I don't need a duvet.
I'm just saying if people were friends around here, it would make work better.
There'd be less fighting, less complaining, less graffiti about you in the bathroom.
Carol, leave me alone.
I'm just trying to make it to the weekend.
Okay, here's the rundown.
So I did some more research on the superbug, and You know what? Why don't you swing by my office after the show, and we'll talk about it.
Okay.
What.
Did a pen explode on my face again? You know what? I don't care.
I'm not gonna stop chewing 'em.
You're sleeping with Chuck.
Wha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, my God! I would never.
My body is a temple, and by that I mean I let a lotta Jewish guys in.
But seriously, though, Chuck asked me to produce a piece because, you know, he thinks I'm doing a good job.
He sees something in me.
Yeah.
Himself.
- All right - Not to generalize, but in the history of all time, a man has never helped a woman not without an ulterior motive.
What are you talking about? Men have helped women plenty of times.
They, um in Beast helps Belle.
Although, I guess he's a beast, and he did wanna have sex with her.
Carol.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What do you think you're doing? Getting the gang together like you told me to.
Everybody, please collect your chairs.
This was a fake meeting called by a well-meaning dementoid.
- Great.
- Ridiculous.
Dude, that's my chair.
What're you doing? Yeah, right.
You're just trying to make me take your broken one.
There's nothing wrong with that chair.
It ain't broke! Hey, everybody, Gene broke my chair! - Get him! - It's okay, it's okay! I'll buy everyone new chairs.
Come on, chair.
Do you see what I'm dealing with here? This place is a tinderbox waiting for the smallest spark to explode.
We do not need more time together.
We need to get through the show and go home.
- I - No! No.
Stop trying to make this happen, Carol.
Stop! No.
There's nothing you can do.
Nothing.
Stop walking with a fake limp.
Hey, God, it's Carol.
I just want my coworkers to be friends.
I don't know if your powers extend to other religions, but if they do, please include Gene and the very nice Turban Guy in accounting.
Amen.
Tune in next week for my two-part expose: "Are shoelaces getting shorter?" Hey, men have helped women, right? Like in the history of the world? What? Yes.
Of course.
But women they didn't wanna have sex with, though? Ooh, well, like Mr.
Miyagi when the Karate Kid was a girl.
But I guess technically she was a kid, so You do know I'm currently producing - a live news show.
- Mm-hmm.
And that's our show for our local viewers.
Enjoy the light dusting of snow this weekend.
Have fun out there.
- What? - Light dusting? What the hell's going on in here? We now go to Washington for a special report.
14 dead tonight in the blizzard of the century.
Keep New York in your prayers.
And I guess New Jersey.
Wait, wait what happened to the light dusting? Like it says on my tramp stamp Weather changes.
In the last hour, it got upgraded to a snowmageddon of the century on steroids.
Why didn't you warn us? I did! I sent a memo up here.
Of course.
It must have gotten stuck, because the printer is always jammed with Justin's short stories.
- "Murder at the Spooky Barn"? - Gimme that.
If you wanna read it, you're gonna have to pay 12 cents on Amazon like everybody else.
Mm! - Oh! - Oh! Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Because we made it through the show.
Now we can all just go home and hop in the tub with our cat.
Oh, my God, you gotta cool it with that cat stuff.
Okay.
Fine.
I won't invite you to her birthday.
Hey, you guys.
The Governor of New Jersey is declaring a state of emergency.
All roads are closed.
We're stuck here together.
Good God.
We're stuck here together! Good, God! Yes, sir, I'm so sorry for the mishap.
Everything here is under control.
Yes, I love you too.
Oh, you were talking to your daughter right.
Ahh.
Okay.
I know no one wants to be stuck here, but God and I felt that we could all use a little bonding time.
So why don't we have an icebreaker? Two truths and a lie.
I'll go first.
Um I had 30 moles removed.
I had my thyroid removed.
I had my uterus removed.
Wait those are all true.
Okay, let me go again.
I have a truth.
I hate all of you.
Oh, all right.
Well, you need two more.
Well, I have a truth too.
Beth sucks.
How 'bout next time you have some urgent weather info, you walk up here and tell us? - Okay, still Gene's turn.
- You're telling me to walk? I once saw you pee lying down.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
You do it literally all the time.
Okay, let somebody else go.
Wayne.
I think everyone in here is just doing their absolute best.
Oh! Finally, something nice.
That was the lie.
I told you this would happen, Carol! - You happy now? - I'm very happy.
And I'm not questioning my faith at all.
No one taught me how to pee the right way, because I didn't have a dad! Hey, Mr.
Pierce, I have Um I have the the research for the What do you think of my look? I based it on a Michael Bublé album cover.
Pretty fresh, huh? Yeah, it's it's fine.
I-I don't really know that much about fashion.
I got this at a Halloween store.
It's actually supposed to be Frankenstein's top.
So D-do you wanna talk about the story? Eh.
We'll get to it.
Never seen you lookin' so lovely As you did tonight What do you think of this tune? It was playing when my dog died, but I still think it's sexy.
Oh, speaking of Of dead dogs, it turns out the superbug can spread through animals.
Some people say it started when a bat flew into a dog's anus.
Tell me if a guy like me were to ask a girl like you out on a date, where would you wanna go? Oh, no.
Ono's? Is that a Japanese place? Groovy.
Katie? People in this office are never gonna be friends.
Oh, Lord, what do I do? Give me a sign.
Ah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Can't talk, Ang.
I'm in the middle of a miracle! Hey, attention! Hi! Well, I know everyone's in a fight, and I know nobody wants to hear from me - Bitch! - But I I just thought I'd make one final Hail Mary pass to get this chicken coop cluckin' to the same tune.
Oh, my God, she's got wine.
I'll do anything for it.
I'll put on a sex show - with Gene! - No need, Justin! There's plenty for everybody! This is the happiest moment of my life.
Better than when I got off that liver transplant list.
No, no, no, no, no! No, no! - What is going on? - Great news! I found wine! Carol, we can't get drunk in the office.
Turn down for what, Greg? People need party time, and you can't stop 'em.
Don't you unscrew that bottle.
Don't you take that sip.
Don't you swish it around your mouth.
Don't you swallow it and make a satisfied "ah" sound! Ah! - Yeah! - Whoo! Carol! Carol! Carol, Carol, Carol! Hey.
Where have you been? I was just sexually harassed.
Me too.
I guess when Beth gets drunk, she likes to swipe her hand down people's butt cracks like a credit card.
No, I mean you were right.
About Chuck.
He made a pass at me.
I thought he was singling me out because I was good at my job.
Hey don't let him steal your power.
You are a strong, modern woman.
You need to march right into Chuck's office, grab that jerk by the collar, and kiss him on the lips.
- What? - It's your only move.
If you tell Chuck you're not interested, you'll embarrass him.
But if you kiss him and then push him away and be like, "I want this so bad, "but you're my boss.
We could never be together, Mr.
Roker," then your problem's solved.
But that doesn't sound very modern or empowered.
It is.
It's like when phones got big and then small and then big again.
Okay.
No.
No.
I am never kissing Chuck Pierce.
Well, you better think of something, because if Chuck feels rejected, he's not gonna want to work with you.
He won't even be able to look you in the eye.
Oh, no, and then I'm gonna be stuck doing stupid fluff pieces with Por shh I'm sorry I couldn't think of anything.
Yoo-hoo! Greg, what are you doing moping in here? Come on out and have a little fun.
I'm not moping.
I'm about to get fired for all this, so I'm looking for a new job.
Okay, you know what, mister? I am sick of your bad attitude! All you care about is running this office and following rules and making sure we do a show every day.
That is literally my job description.
You're a grump, and it's trickled down to your whole staff.
Well, I'm sorry, Carol, but when things go wrong around here, it falls on my shoulders and only my shoulders.
You wouldn't understand.
You've never been a boss.
No.
But I've been a mom.
- Oh, God.
- People say that that is the hardest job in the world.
Ehhhh! They're wrong! It's fun! But that's because I made it that way.
When Katie was in third grade, she used to beg to have ice cream every night for dinner.
Typical fatty.
But it was my job as her mom to say no.
Until one day I said yes, and you know why? No.
My mother always used to feed me ice cream so I wouldn't blow away.
Because I wanted to have ice cream for dinner.
Cool twist, huh, Greg? You do a great job at running this office.
But sometimes Mama needs a break too.
Maybe I am the problem.
I never have any fun.
And it affects everyone around me.
At work.
At home.
My cat won't even let me sleep in bed with her anymore.
You're right.
Maybe Mama does need a break.
Chuck, we need to talk.
I know the real reason why you asked me to do the superbug story.
And honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.
You figured it out, huh? I mean, what were you thinking? The age difference alone is I know, I know! Of course someone your age wouldn't be interested in me a man old enough to remember the "Challenger" explosion.
Because, arguably, he caused it.
I just feel like a fool! Well, I I hope this isn't gonna make things awkward.
Not at all.
Everything will be very uh, normal.
Oh, my God.
You can't look me in the eye.
Yes, I can.
Doing it right now.
Well, see ya later.
Have you gone yet? I need to make this right.
What the hell are you doing? What? I thought that was what you wanted.
Well, you're way off! Good Lord, Katie! Keep it in your pants! But you asked me where I wanted to go on a date! I was using you to research what young people like.
I'm trying to ask out this totally hot 25-year-old smoothie maker at my gym.
Cheyennica.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
Well, you oughta be! Turn down the woof Turn down the woof - Mm, baby.
- Hey.
Have you seen my mom? I really need to talk to her.
Ha.
She is busy.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Is anyone sober? - Where's Greg? - Oh, he's busy too.
I wanna play American baseball! Someone throw a camera at me.
Hey hi, Greg.
Hi.
Are you okay? I'm amazing.
You smell good.
You wanna dance? "The Breakdown.
" Yes.
Uh-huh.
Mastercard, Visa! Cha-ching! Oh, you got it, chief.
Oh, crud.
Hey, Greg.
- We have a little problem.
- Not now, Carol.
Let me finish impressing everyone.
The network just called, and they want us to do a special broadcast about the storm.
Yeah, they do.
'Cause we got the best news team in the biiiiiz! No, like in 20 minutes.
Wait, wha How? We're drunk! You know what, how drunk can a person really be? - Good point, Carol! - Everyone, follow me! Oh! Ooh How are we supposed to do the show? We're all wasted.
Greg, you're being dramatic.
Okay, this is frozen.
I'm just gonna call the network and tell 'em we can't go on.
If they fire me, they fire me.
No.
I'm the reason we're stuck here.
It's my job to predict the weather.
But it's also my job to spin a sign in front of a cell phone store every morning, and I guess I'm spread too thin.
No, Beth, it's my fault.
I'll take the blame.
We all should have known about that storm but my stupid stories jammed the printer.
Don't call them stupid.
I read "Murder at the Spooky Barn.
" It changed my life.
I'll take the fall.
No, Gene.
You need this job.
I mean, you got four beautiful kids.
And Billy's hormone therapy is not gonna pay for itself.
He is only 7 inches tall.
That is not tall enough.
I'll take the blame.
No, no! It should be me.
I found the wine.
I got God to make it snow.
Plus, I got the call from the network three hours earlier when they first wanted us to do the story, but I forgot to tell anyone.
Yeah.
It should be Carol.
Yeah.
Wait, guys, guys.
Mom.
You just wanted us all to be friends.
And for reasons I don't wanna get into, I'm too embarrassed to work here anymore.
So just let me take the blame.
Katie, I'm not gonna let that happen.
You belong right here.
You're a damn good producer.
- Really? - Yeah, and I'm not just saying that 'cause you're in love with me.
She tried to kiss me, everybody.
Hey, hey, hey! Do not judge her.
Everybody in this room has thought about it.
She just had the balls to do it! I will take the blame.
What if no one has to take the blame? Hmm? If we all work together, maybe we can pull this off.
What does everyone say? Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah! - Sure.
- Okay! Let's make a news show! Everyone's watchin' Will you come out tonight Everyone's trying to get it right Get it right Everybody's workin' for the weekend Whoo Everybody wants a new romance Oh You want a piece of my heart Come on, baby, let's go Okay, guys, here goes nothing.
It's a special edition of "The Breakdown" with your host Chimp Please and Renee Renee Renee.
Close enough.
Hold the elevator! - Hi.
- Hi.
So you tried to kiss Chuck.
Oh God, it was so stupid.
I-I - I don't know.
- Don't worry.
That's not even the weirdest thing that happened last night.
Gene and Justin did ultimately put on a sex show.
It was Portia's idea to kiss Chuck.
I should never listen to her.
Although, you know, she may have been right about one thing.
I still cannot think of a time that a man helped a woman he wasn't attracted to.
I mean, Schindler? It was a really long list.
He couldn't have wanted to sleep with all of them.
Portia's insane.
What about you and me? - I help you all the time.
- Yes! And you're not attracted to me.
No! I mean, you know, you're very - I didn't take - Everything's symmetrical - I didn't need you - in the head zone.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna check my phone.
Yeah, it's really buzzin' in there.
Oh man, I have so many texts from my cat.
Yeah.
Wait.
What? My girlfriend, Cat.
Catherine.
I've mentioned her.
My Cat.
Oh youryour girlfriend.
That's why you had to go to your cat's sister's wedding.
You need help getting to your car? No.
I'm good.