Groom (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

1
This is the hall.
The walls will be lined
with flower arrangements.
A white arch over there
and a music-entertainment steward here.
A DJ.
- Ah.
- Okay, then. And the autel?
- Right here.
- No, I mean the altar where we exchange vows
Yes, Thomas was kidding.
Okay. Everything will be ready
for this afternoon?
Well
Thomas said it would be.
- Right.
- Right, then.
- Great. Thanks so much.
- Thanks.
- See you later.
- Later.
Look at those love-burps.
You said it was in a month!
Yes. They called last month to say
they wanted to get married in a month.
I said, "No problem. A month it is." This
morning, you asked: "Who's the couple?"
"The ones who called
about their wedding next month."
"Don't draw when I'm talking to you."
"Okay." I put down my charcoal.
You said, "Sure it's in a month?"
"Yes."
It's tomorrow.
Alright, this is a fiasco.
We have a wedding to plan,
and I can't handle it
because I have to coddle a celebrity
I'm swamped!
I don't want to make things worse,
but a hobo shit in the spa.
- What?!
- Oh, relax. It's no big deal.
Well, as opposed to what he might do
if we don't bust him.
You're right. I'm on it.
William this is costing me dearly,
but the wedding's yours.
Don't bother. If it's
costing you a lot
Besides, weddings are really tacky, no?
And hotel weddings? So cheesy!
I can do it. I'm a paid wedding planner.
So no. And I'm not asking you to get
married. but to plan the wedding, so you do it!
He hates it when people shit in the spa.
You can stay as long as you like.
But the concierge is looking for you,
so you have to hide out here,
or you'll get the bum's rush.
But don't worry.
I won't abandon you.
Oh, my! Too germy.
But I'm touched.
You're only the first, you hear me? In a
long line of people I'll shelter here.
The rich shouldn't have it all.
Nuh-uh. Not anymore.
It's over. We can do it. Together.
Right?
That's not food, you know.
But, please, go ahead.
What's going on?
Two guests are getting married.
Seems kind of
A wedding? How sweet.
Sweet?
Lame, no?
Are you nuts? It's so romantic.
People don't go for romance anymore.
It's a shame.
Honestly, someday,
I'd love to walk down the aisle
in a lovely white gown
with a man who promises
to love me madly forever.
I have a handjob scheduled. Later.
I had no idea she was so romantic.
Weird, huh?
No. A fish with boobs and a little hat?
Now, that's weird.
I know!
Me, too.
Where are you going?
I was showing this guest to the
lobby, because he's a little lost.
So you expect me to believe
this gentleman is a guest, not
I don't know, a hobo?
Hobo?
Oh, yes! I understand your confusion.
It's the clothes.
- That and the smell tipped me off.
- Yeah, no.
No, he's a DJ.
So you're really a DJ, sir?
He doesn't speak the language.
He's Estonian!
Okay.
He's deaf, too.
A deaf DJ?
He's kind of the Beethoven of techno.
Actually, you know what they call him?
The Beethoven of techno.
Yes. Makes sense, right?
I wasn't impressed either.
Silly me! That's French sign language.
He doesn't understand.
Yes, of course! He only understands
Estonian sign language.
Right. And I don't know
the Baltic version.
But there's still
some
poo
in the spa, so go on.
Go.
Goodbye, sir.
Go, go, go.
You're packing up? Is that it?
No, we have to plan the
best wedding ever.
- I thought you weren't interested.
- Think.
When Clémence sees
what a romantic thing I've done,
she'll think I'm a sensitive guy.
Then, during the ceremony,
I'll tell her how I feel,
and with love in the air
and the wedding ambience,
she'll definitely fall for me, too.
You okay?
Yeah, got it. I just had to focus.
Good plan!
Move! Remember,
you must place the chairs
in an orthogonal coordinate system.
In what?
Well, place the chair by the table.
Around the tables.
Put the chairs around the tables.
As usual
How's it going?
- Good.
- And cameras!
A disposable camera on every table
to commemorate this celebration of love.
Wait. You're planning the wedding?
'Course. I love love. I'm a loverer.
Romeo and Juliet's my favourite movie.
Flower problem.
Fuck the flowers. It's fine.
- Come on. A wedding without flowers is sad.
- Like a bouquet without flowers.
When I say fuck that, I mean fuck that,
we absolutely need those flowers!
Me. I can do it.
Crazy. I was once a
paid flower arranger.
Don't bother. It's fine.
- Problem.
- What now?
The groom.
Goddammit! You psychos!
Pull yourself together!
You must get married!
If not for you, for me. For her!
Do it for her.
It's too soon.
I've never been with another woman.
I've known dozens of women.
You're not missing anything.
You only need one and she's it.
- What if she's not the one?
- What if she is?
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do. You do!
You do, man!
Take a break. I've got this.
Here's the deal, Yannick. You know what?
Tell me who else is in on this.
- I don't understand.
- Your accomplices!
Don't screw with me!
You want to rot in jail?! Huh?!
- What's your problem?
- He's stonewalling!
What's going on here?
Guy's a tough cookie.
- What?
- I just don't want to get married anymore!
Yes. What he means to
say, in his own way,
when he says he no longer wants to get
married, is that he wants to get married.
Back off. He's got cold feet.
Stop pressuring him. Idiots.
Or he examines his
feelings for a second.
Yannick, marriage is like swimming
in your private pool when it's chilly.
- I don't have a private pool.
- The sea, then! Whatever!
When you dip your toe in,
you have second thoughts,
because it's kind of chilly,
uncomfortable; you're hesitant.
But if you dive in, right in
it feels good, it feels wonderful.
That's marriage, Yannick. That's it.
- Yeah
- Make her happy.
Make yourself happy.
Make yourselves happy.
You're right. I'll do it.
- Yes.
- I'm getting married.
I'm getting married!
Damn.
- Okay!
- Okay.
See you in court.
- Huh?!
- The spa's done?
Meaning?
The poo!
Then what are you doing?
Nothing! Nothing.
Right. Okay. Your champagne, Mr. Oates.
Put it over there. I need your input.
What comes to mind when I say Oates?
Oatmeal. A bowl of oatmeal.
Duets.
Daryl Hall! Smokey Robinson!
Cee-Lo! Ring a bell?
He'll be my next "featuring."
When I first saw him,
he reminded me of Ed Sheeran.
- Right. Ed Sheeran.
- What's your name?
Yeah, no. He's a guest.
A deaf Estonian DJ.
So he doesn't speak the language.
We don't need words.
We're artists.
There's an aura
connecting us.
You can't see it.
That's normal. You're too normal.
I only want he.
"He" is a third-person personal pronoun,
so it's: "I only want him."
Deaf
Deaf
People are deaf
Really deaf
Get it?
Hear it?
The suffering of the soul.
Yes, of course. Yes, it's wonderful.
Bravo. Very nice.
It's extremely very cool.
I just love him.
Yeah, no. "Extremely" and
"very" are both adverbs
Stop correcting me, alright?
Bummer.
Out.
Out.
That's right. Unacceptable!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!!
Listen. Let me handle this.
You go check on the bride.
Consider it done.
So, Belly? What's up?
The caterer quit. We're screwed.
I'll cater the wedding.
So you're a paid caterer?
In the 'hood, you do things out of
the blue, including Cordon Bleu.
- What's that?
- Free sample.
No strings attached.
If you like it,
then
I'm hired.
Sure. Alright.
Take the sample?
Pick it up?
Better, no?
I'm gonna hurt you. Bastard.
Ms. Bride?
If you're not decent,
cover up your fun bags.
I don't get it. Why'd she split?
Relax. Her stuff's still here.
She can't be far.
She knew what she was in
for, marrying a perp.
Finding out he had cold feet
might've scared her off.
But they haven't seen each other all day!
Only the three of us know he flipped out.
Did you rat him out?
No way. That's confidential.
I never discuss a pending case.
Okay, it was me!
- Why?!
- Think, William.
If they have doubts,
we can't force them!
Force! Who said anything about force!
It's about doing the right thing!
It's not about that. If they don't
want to get married, so be it.
Mm. I need to find them.
I don't know if you realize
what you've gotten mixed up in, ma'am.
'Cause I can break you anytime.
No smoking in here.
I know!
There you are, lovebirds.
Yannick, you know it's bad luck
to see the bride's robe.
The wedding's off anyway.
No.
Yes.
No. Wait.
Let's calm down, relax and get married,
because it's love, and love is
beautiful, and marriage is wonderful.
It's very kind of you to help -
even though you roughed me up.
- Yeah.
- Right. But we've made up our minds.
Sweetheart, you're the love of my life.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I don't need a ceremony to prove it.
Hell no! If you love each other,
you-you-you have to
get married, dammit.
No, the wedding's off.
Okay, here's the deal.
I need you to get married
so I can tell a chick I like her.
- Well, just tell her!
- "Well, just tell her!"
It's not that simple.
We're not getting married for you!
I understand.
Maybe this'll change your mind.
Two OJs from the bar.
On me. No, it's my treat.
You do know one night
here costs 10 times that?
Please. Besides, it
doesn't have to be real.
Meaning?
Trust me.
Please be seated.
We are gathered here
today to celebrate love.
The real deal.
For love is in the
hearts of all women
- as well as in the hearts of men.
- Me, too.
I'm in The Hearts of Men.
Parts I, II and III.
For love is in the
hearts of all women
Excuse me, Mr. Oates.
Weren't you with a DJ? Estonian?
Deaf.
The hobo?
- What? What hobo?
- The hobo.
Only a halfwit wouldn't realize
the guy in my room was a hobo.
Halfwit, yeah.
You haven't seen him, by any chance?
Sure. Last time I saw him was in the
hallway. But he was butt naked.
Okay. If you need me,
I'll be there in the recovery position.
Do you take Lucy
to be your lawful wedded wife,
to love and to cherish -
not even sumthin' sumthin' on the side -
till death do you part?
Come on.
I do.
Do you take Yannick
to be your lawful wedded husband,
despite his ridic name,
till death do you part?
I do.
If anyone objects
to the union of these two people,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
I do.
No, right here.
Sorry, but
they clearly don't want this.
Sure, they do. Yes. Right?
You want to get married. This a
wedding, so you're getting mar-ried.
Right. Of course. It would be nice
- Absolutely.
- There you go. They said yes.
- Nonsense. They obv
- They just said yes.
Rings, the ceremony Let's do this.
Why are you so dead-set on this?
What's your problem?
Maybe you should tell her now.
Tell me what?
What?
Okay.
Wait. What are you doing?
Clémence, would you make me
the happiest man alive
by agreeing to date me?
Sorry.
What now?
Carry on. Wrap it up. Be right back.
So by the powers vested in me,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may French kiss the bride.
Sorry about
that awkward moment.
You planned a whole wedding for that?
Yes, yes
But you know it can't be.
I told you, not with the hotel staff.
I don't understand. You
slept with Martin.
- Bull.
- I saw you leaving the room together.
Okay, right.
Big misunderstanding.
What?
So we sleep together,
you get your proof and I'm gone,
or you chicken out?
I'm not chickening out.
I'm chickening out! I give up.
Too bad. You were this close
to getting your proof.
We pretend nothing happened
and mum's the word, okay?
- And you back off.
- Yes.
I didn't get that at all.
- Right.
- So the two of us?
There is no "two of us."
We're still friends, though.
Some friends
I know friends who sometimes
make love.
Yeah, no.
Well okay.
We can start off as friends and see
I owe you an apology.
Evidently, your buddy's a hobo and a DJ.
A kind of hobo DJ or whatever.
I don't get it. So he's really a DJ?
No, he just hit play.
DJing's clearly not that
Excellent bum.
It's all about family.
And I did a cover of Family Man.
It was a hit.
You don't seem to agree.
See? It may be a fake wedding,
but it's a nice wedding.
Fake wedding?
Come on. I know you're not a minister.
Yes, I am. My mom forced
me to get ordained.
She said, "That way, you'll always
have work." My mom's no idiot.
Seriously? You're really a minister?
I told you, P-A-I-D.
Oh, crap.
We have a rather special guest today.
A dictator.
So you're disguised as
Okay, that hurts.
You're officially tasked
with looking after him.
Great.
There are a lot of reporters outside.
It's awkward for my client.
I know.
- You're becoming a tyrant.
- So you're in love? You're gonna make babies?
Please! Please!
- What'd you do?
- Something brilliant.
Sir?
I'm warning you: I won't stand idly by
while there's a dictator here.
May this day show you mercy.