Grounded For Life (2001) s01e05 Episode Script

I'm killing all your guys! No way! Take my anti-aircraft fire! Look out, here comes a raptor! Whoo! Dad, there weren't any dinosaurs in world war ii.
Oh, but there were robots? Those aren't robots.
Those are Canadians.
And this salt shaker is eisenhower.
Ok, ok.
Great.
Uh, I'm ordering from bamboo pagoda.
Who wants in? None for me.
I'm going home in a minute.
No, you're not.
You're going to wait here till the food gets here, then you're going to eat it and not pay, like you always do.
Well, if it's just sitting there Make your father happy.
Don't order from bamboo pagoda.
Hey, what's wrong with bamboo pagoda? Well, it's fine, if you like filth.
So happens I love filth, dad.
Hey, guys! Hey, baby! Wait, I thought you were going to be at your mom's for 2 more days.
Would you want to be at my mom's for 2 more days? I missed you guys.
Mmmmm! Uh, what are you checking for? Fingers, toes.
Tattoos.
What? Why? Oh, last time I went out of town, uncle Eddie put naked ladies on their necks.
Hey, they picked them.
Baby, baby.
Come on, come on.
We're fine, we're fine.
Hey, we had a good time, didn't we, Henry? Dad let us stay up till midnight last night.
Henry, what was our deal? You'd let us stay up till midnight if we didn't tell mom.
Right.
She dragged it out of me.
Claudia: Lily! Oh, uh, you know what? There was a small thing that Um, just order me mu shu pork.
Right.
One filthy mu shu pork.
Sean, why is all this junk here? Oh, I barricaded Lily in her room.
Yeah, why? Well, you know how you're always saying I don't know how to be the bad cop? Wrong! Wrong! Ok, what happened? Is she ok? Oh, yeah, yeah.
She's fine.
She's just being punished! What could a teenage girl possibly do to justify throwing her in solitary? Oh, believe me, she's getting off easy after what she did.
Tell me what she did.
She went Ok.
You've got to hear how it started.
All right.
I was coming back from the store Hi, dad.
Hey, lil.
Whoa.
Look at you.
I'm not dressed up.
No, I mean, you j I just meant you look great, that's all.
Look, Christina's mom is taking us out to dinner, so I got a little dressed up! There's nothing wrong with that! I mean, if you want me to change, I'll change, but I'm just going out to dinner.
I don't know why you're making such a huge deal out of this! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just said you look great.
Go to dinner.
I don't care.
Have a good time.
Oh, ok.
Cool.
Dad? Mm-hmm? I love you.
"I love you, dad," and a kiss, and you weren't the least bit suspicious?! Well, I may have been blinded by mock affection! Lil! Lily! Are you ok?! See? She's fine! Oh.
Wait a minute, honey.
These are on backwards.
The hole goes in front so you can pee.
Not anymore.
I've got a new way.
Ok.
You want to see? No.
Ah, I'd like to see that.
I bet he's got some kind of straw down there.
Ok.
You two, up to bed.
Whoa, whoa.
Give your dad some lovin'.
I love you guys.
Come on.
Good night.
Good night.
Brush your teeth.
Can we brush each other's? Whatever gets the job done.
There's no way you're brushing my teeth.
Mom said I could.
You're not brushing my teeth.
Come on, Jimmy.
I'm not gonna hurt you or anything.
Jimmy: Disgusting! Good night! Hey! Don't let your sister out! Ok.
What happened? Nothing, really.
I was just in the backyard earlier, just spending some quality time with the boys.
Fire! Heh heh! Aha! Do it again.
Fire! Hello? Security? Security? Wait.
What security? Ok, remember that story Lily told me about dinner? It was a lie.
Yeah, she really went out to action mountain.
Action mountain, New Jersey? That's right, and I had to go bail her butt out of action jail.
How do 214-year-old girls even get from staten island to the middle of New Jersey? Well, if their fathers have achieved a basic level of competence, they don't get there.
Dad, I don't need your help.
No, of course not.
Just let it play out.
At some point, the state'll intervene.
So, what, so you drove out there and picked her up? Not that easy.
Remember, you got our car.
Eddie's got a car, but he won't let me drive his car.
Of course he won't.
It's an expensive car.
I didn't want him to wreck it.
Oh, ho ho ho.
No, no, no, no.
See, I don't wreck cars, all right? You wreck cars.
How can you say that? Uh, you wrecked your car.
But Eddie didn't wreck his car.
Some idiot rammed into him.
Ha ha.
Rammed rammed into him? You didn't hear this one, dad? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He was admiring his new mustache.
Comin' in nice.
Nice.
It's gonna really look nice.
Son of a bitch! I still don't know how you got a new car out of that.
It was his reward for stupid driving.
What do you want from me? The guy had a lot of insurance.
Why didn't you keep that mustache? I still have it.
This is who I have to turn to in my hour of need.
Come on.
Come on.
Let me drive your car.
It's a sports utility vehicle.
It's not like a regular car.
It requires special skills.
Wait.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let me drive your car.
Hey No.
Look! Ever since you were born, I let you borrow my stuff! Yeah, and I always broke it.
Aw, gee.
Give me the keys! Give me the keys! Now you're angry.
I'm not going to let you drive my car angry.
Look, I got to go.
Someone's got to watch Jimmy and Henry.
Call dad.
Oh, no, come on now, ed.
Ed, come on now, look.
I'm begging.
Come on.
Please? Come on.
Let me drive your car.
No.
Arrgghh! The problem is you're not old enough to handle having a teenager.
You lack the maturity.
Did you hear what I said? I said you lack the necessary maturity.
Yeah, I heard, dad.
But then this is what happens when you're 18 and don't know what a rubber is.
That's right.
What's a rubber? Never you mind.
Come on.
We're missing golf.
Can we watch Scooby doo? No.
What's a rubber? Shut it.
What's a rubber? I don't know.
This is my Lane, little car.
So we get there, and they take us back to this creepy employees-only area where I get to see my childhood hero dizzy the hippo taking a leak.
And hey, what do you know? There's Lily, Christina, and a few surprise guests.
Boys.
Dad! Hey.
How's it going? Good.
You? Ok.
Yeah, uh, hey, gosh, who are your buddies here? Oh, that's Brian, Nick, and Adam.
Uh-huh.
And you guys all got here, uh How? Adam has a car, which means Christina's mom didn't have to drive us.
Isn't that great? That's great.
And do you know your driver Adam is that passed-out drunk with his face in the garbage? Well, that doesn't mean our original plan wasn't a good one.
Oh, man! I am so glad I was out of town for this one.
Oh, yeah.
Go ahead and laugh.
Next time you're taking her with you.
You you couldn't even keep her in the state.
Hey, what happened to the last beer? I'm drinking it.
That's why I hid it in the back.
So what was her big crime anyway? Well, it all started when one of Lily's new friends decided to stand up on the magic journey ride.
Whoo! Aah! Aah! King of the jungle! Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
That guy's looking at you.
Aah! Don Diego! Man: Stay there! Ha ha ha.
Dude, I didn't do it.
Why are you touching me? Dude, you through? Aah.
Ow! Oh, shampoo bottles.
Yes, that is a good plan.
Any guard who'd noticed would just assume they'd come to the park to wash their hair.
Eddie: Yeah, but they're great for casually squirting a shot into your soda.
Just something I know.
Hey, hey.
How much you guys have to drink? Not not that much.
Um, it's just Adam forgot to rinse out the shampoo.
Acchh! It stinks like prell in here.
So you want to know what the problem is? No.
No.
Absolutely not.
The problem is parents today, they overanalyze.
I never had any such problems with these boys.
I'll tell you that.
Yeah? What was your big secret? Well, the secret is you don't try to reason with them.
They don't have the faculties.
You have to make things simple.
Now, you see this picture of the judge? If either one of you opens this door after I go downstairs, a bullet will shoot out of his eye and kill you.
I am absolutely serious.
Good night.
Walt: See, that's what we call discipline.
And I didn't get that out of any namby-pamby book.
Yeah.
Didn't think you did.
Hey, whatever happened to that painting? I killed it with a rake.
So so then you came back and you did the barricade thing? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So much more happened on the way to the barricade.
Just where do you think you're taking these kids? Out of here.
Do I know you? He still works there? Oh, yeah.
And they made him, like, the commander or something.
Hair plugs is a person? Well, you know, kind of.
God, that was, like, what, 5 years ago? Yeah, the beer garden was still open back then.
Open and a-flowin'.
Ha ha ha! Son of a bitch.
Sean: Hey! Hey, good, man.
This car's messed up.
You gave me a bad car.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
As I recall, you two were banned from the park for life.
Sean: Let go, dude! I'm spillin' my beer, man.
I got it! Get your hand off me, man! I'm all right! I'm all right.
Ohh! Yeah, hey, I didn't even want to come here, ok? I just came to get my daughter and her friends, and and we're going home.
Daughter.
I don't think so.
Excuse me? A bit on the young side? Nice try, big brother.
Oh, no, no, no.
Hey, I'm not her brother.
Yeah.
You look more like her dealer.
Oh! Oh, I see.
Oh, ok.
Oh, I get it.
So I'm not a dad? No.
Oh! Ok, now I get it.
Because I just spent an hour and a half on the turnpike coming down here to get them just for the fun of it, right? You know, just for the sheer joy of driving 5 teenagers reeking of puke all the way back home, right? Ha ha! No, no.
You know why? Because only a dad would get that screwed, right? 'Cause only a dad works all week at his mind-numbing job only to spend his precious Saturday night at a fifth-rate theme park getting the third degree from a cop with a duck on his badge! Sir! The duck on my chest stands for this theme park's commitment How can you even call this a theme park, man? I don't get it, you know, because over here, right, you got the jungle part.
All right, but then over here, you got this whole other part with a rat on a skateboard.
And then you turn the corner, and then it's, whoa, space port 2000! You know, the year 2000, we're all gonna be living in space! Well, guess what? We're not! So what's the theme, man? What is the theme?! Ease up, man.
No, you ease up! I want you to tell me right now what the theme is! Can't you make him stop? Hey, he's a freak.
"What is the theme, man?" "Tell me the theme, man.
Tell me the theme!" Lily, your dad is hilarious! You hear that? Drunken teenagers? Not the toughest audience in the world.
Whatever.
Am I right that places like this are freakin' tame? There's no theme! You called it, man.
You called it.
My dad would never say all that stuff about the theme.
Well Dad, you rocked! No.
Dude, you understand, man! Not like my dad.
If he was here right now, he'd be on his cell phone calling everybody's parents.
Man, we would be so nailed, man.
Yeah! Lily, you were so right! Your dad's the one to call.
So you see? I'm an idiot.
Yeah, you know, they were totally playing me.
Walt: Yeah.
It's amazing how your credibility as a parent just flies out the window when you look like zz top.
Anyway So tell me, Brian is it? Yeah.
Hey, where do you live, man? Uh, 354 Harrison.
All right! Hey, you think your parents are still up? No way, dude.
Good.
That way I get to wake 'em.
Oh, crap.
What these kids did, there's no other way to describe it than Wilding.
I i i don't know what they were on Smack, crank, crack Flake Smank.
Friendly bear? Dead.
The little woodchuck? Dead.
The otter with the banjo? Dead.
Do you realize what you've done? You have literally pushed me off a cliff! You have literally pushed me to my death! I am literally dead thanks to you.
Me?! Look, I'm not the one who hooked up with the Beastie Boys for an out-of-state drinking binge! That is so unfair! I only had one drink.
Everyone else had, like, 5.
Oh, well, great.
Then you were sober compared to the boy who was going to be driving you home to your certain death! Oh, you are so embarrassing, I am literally dying of embarrassment! You know, I really wish you would look up the word literally, because Aah aah! Why are you guys fighting? We're not fighting.
Am I going to be put in a foster home? Potentially.
You're not helping, dad! Ha ha ha.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you think you're doing? I'm going out.
Ok, even you don't believe that.
I trusted you.
You trusted me? And with a straight face.
Whoo! I'm spending the night at Allison's.
In fact, you're not.
Oh, I'm not, am I? No.
In fact, you are staying in this room until further notice.
What, are you going to make me? It could happen.
I am literally going insane! All right! Good usage! Now let me go to Allison's.
No! You can't stop me.
Yes, I can! You know, it's funny.
When I hear the whole story out loud, it just Makes me realize that I'm the worst dad in the world.
Come on.
You're not even the worst dad in this house.
What would you have done? Oh, I don't know.
I never know.
I guess your barricade is as good as anything.
Yeah.
Thing is, you know, I I don't want to be the kind of guy who scolds his kid for getting drunk at action mountain.
I want to be the guy getting drunk at action mountain.
What are you doing Tuesday? I got a job.
I got kids to feed.
Oh.
All right.
I'll call Kenny, then.
I know.
I know, baby, that you want to be the drunk guy at action mountain.
Believe me, I want to be the girl that holds his hair back when he pukes.
But we got a whole bunch of kids here, so we got to stick it out until they grow up or Run away.
God, who are we kidding? They're never going to run away.
No, I meant us.
Oh, come on.
She's going to get into trouble.
It's inevitable.
She's going to run around with boys.
She's 14 years old! I know she's 14 years old.
Do you realize in 4 short years, she will be the same age I was when you got me pregnant with her? I better go talk to her.
Go talk to her.
Ok, Lily.
I think you've learned your lesson, so, uh I'm gonna unbarricade your door now.
Ho, no, no! Oh, no, missy! Oh, no, no.
I am not locked out! You are locked in! Uh! Hey! Can I help you? Uh, uh Yeah! Yeah, Lily.
About tonight.
All right.
You are a minor.
Ok? And I own you.
And the cops will totally back me up on this.
So as long as that's the case, I'm just asking that you stay, a alive, and b not pregnant.
Dad, I'm not dumb.
I get it.
You didn't have to embarrass me.
Come on.
Embarrass you in front of those guys? Lil, they were drinking shampoo.
Huh? All right.
Yeah.
So, if you're going to raise hell, do it with the smart kids.
That way, you don't get caught, I don't have to find out about it.
All right.
So are we cool? We cool.
Come here.
Ok, I'm going to Allison's.
Oh, no, you're not! Aah! Ha ha ha ha! We're good.
Yeah? Let me guess.
You apologized, then the hugging started.
No, dad.
I told her how things were going to be, and she didn't like it, but she respected it.
Hey, honey! I'm dyeing my hair.
Th that box is blue.
She thinks that's going to bug me, but it's not going to.
Honey, please don't dye your hair blue.
Please! I got to hand it to you, son.
You handled this very poorly.
Come on, dad.
Give him a break.
We used to get away with murder behind your back.
Remember that pot plant we had growing behind the house? It was, like, 6 feet tall.
'Scuse me? What, we never joked around about this before? No.
No.
I'm calling the police.
It was a joke, dad.
Yeah, I'm not joking.
I was joking! Mom, let's say Christina and I were to get tickets to see the Foo Fighters at the garden.
Should I tell you about it or not? Yeah, you should tell me you're going, but you should tell me Christina's mom's going with you.
Mmm.
Ok.
So do you have tickets to the Foo Fighters? Yeah, but Christina's mom is going.
Seriously? Yes, mom.
Ok.
Good.
Have fun.
Ok.
Thanks.
Is her mom seriously going? Yes!