Guys With Kids (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

In front of a live studio audience.
You know, I don't know if Emily's gonna let Freddie play football.
I hope not.
He's a tiny baby.
He'd get crushed out there.
Hi, guys.
Hey, boys.
Why don't you go in the back and see if you can jump from Chris's dresser to his bed.
I have given up on being a good parent.
Marny's been at that conference all week, and I'm running out of ways to entertain them.
Uh-oh.
Somebody's got a leaky faucet.
There are napkins inches away from you.
Man, I am way past napkins.
I'm a human napkin.
I think you need some time off, my friend, away from the kids.
Oh, will you watch them? Will I watch all four of them? No, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.
I will never do that, ever.
Get Marny to do it.
You're kidding, right? Marny has never had all four boys for a whole day.
She wouldn't know what to do.
Check this.
She once put an overnight diaper on one of the twins during the day.
An overnight diaper is way too absorbent for the daytime.
I think you definitely need some time off, man.
Why would you walk when you can run? ª evbody's singin' wwoulou walk when you can run? Risotto is served.
Eww! Be polite.
Eww.
That is much better.
- Hi.
- Hey, Sheila.
Oh, right.
It's Sunday night, and all of you nice people have dinner together.
And Nick.
Sheila, you should join us.
Chris made Risotto, so we just might order pizza.
Oh, Sheila would love to, but she can't.
Van Helsing's closing in on her, and there's no time.
Chris.
I was wondering if you might be able to help me pack up my apartment on Sunday.
- Oh, you're moving? - Yeah.
My aunt moved last week.
She had a yard sale.
I never know what to say to her.
Yeah, just a little closer to here to make it easier to drop off Ernie.
Sorry, Sheila, I'm busy.
One of the senior partners is retiring.
We're doing a whole harbor cruise, there's like a Caribbean theme.
Oh, ub40 is playing.
Mon.
- Don't do that.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, maybe a different day.
All right.
Come on, little man.
Come here.
Ooh.
Oh, look at those cheeks.
I love these cheeks.
Are you storing nuts in these cheeks? How can she ask you to pack up her stuff? Especially since that stuff is your stuff that she took from you in the divorce.
She didn't take it from me.
I gave it up and opted for the high road, so we could split on agreeable terms.
Ah! That is so annoying! Why can't you be a normal, resentful divorced person? Like your mother, Nick, who crank calls your dad once a day? - Hmm.
Yeah, she can do so many voices.
Hey! - Mom! - Oh! Hey, look who's back.
There are my babies.
Hey.
Mwah.
Chris.
- What's for dinner? - Risotto.
Oh.
Hey, honey, how was the conference? Oh, it was great.
The resort was nice.
Good golf course.
Oh, we went on a helicopter ride at sunset.
You should try that.
Oh.
I scrubbed marker off the twins for 2 1/2 hours at sunrise.
You should try that.
Is everything okay? I'm fine.
- Baby, I'm just tired.
- Oh.
No, he's exhausted.
And he needs a day off.
He's given up.
This is a man that is one step away from wearing a blanket everywhere he goes.
Well, no problem.
You can have a day off.
Why didn't you tell me? Because you haven't had all the boys since before the twins.
And back then, the TV was working.
I know.
I broke it.
I'm sorry.
Let's not talk about it anymore.
Gary, I can take care of the kids, okay? Have your day off.
How about next Sunday? Done.
Gentlemen, clear your calendars because next Sunday, I am off! Pizza's here! - Pizza! - Hey I made Risotto.
And click.
And this is what it would look like if you and I were conjoined twins.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh! There he is, free man! All right.
What are we gonna do? What aren't we going to do, huh? First, we're gonna return these bathing suits to Old Navy that I've had sitting around forever.
No.
No, Gary.
- Bad Gary.
- What? That's terrible.
You gotta think big.
How about we go to the apple store and fiddle with stuff till they ask us to leave? No, no.
Wait.
Oh, I got it.
The giants are at home tonight.
Why don't we go to the game? What? How? Chris has incredible tickets on the 50-yard line.
We're sitting right in front of Eli Manning's mom.
She offers us grapes from her purse.
What are you saying? I am saying this is gonna be the greatest day off ever! Oh, my God! I didn't think I'd ever see another football game again! This is what I wish for every time I hold my breath in a tunnel.
Okay, actually, guys, the thing is.
I-I don't have the tickets this weekend.
What? What? Why does this keep on happening? You gotta get them back.
- I can't.
- You have to! It's Gary's day off.
Look at him.
He's dead inside.
- What? He's nothing.
He's barely a man.
He's a husk.
- I'm a husk? - Yes! Whoever you gave them to, you gotta get 'em back.
I can't get 'em back, okay? You have to get them back.
I'm a husk.
Sheila got my season tickets in the divorce.
Then you are gonna make a trade with her.
You're gonna give her full custody of Ernie and Gary will give you one of his kids, and then everybody wins.
I'll give you one of my kids for a giants ticket.
Look at my handsome boys.
Oh, I need to take a picture for your dad.
Okay.
Everybody do a nice smile.
A real smile.
You're not a hostage being forced to prove that you're okay.
- Come on.
- Hi.
Hi.
Gary just wanted me to stop by and check up on you, see how you're surviving.
Surviving? Please.
This is gonna be fun.
We're gonna make a whole day of it.
You know, have lunch, go to a museum.
Compared to working, this is nothing.
Really? 'Cause I think being with the kids all day is actually a lot of work.
And I only have two.
And I have a TV.
And I still call my mom crying once a week.
No, Emily, of course it's work, you know.
I'm just saying it's easier than real work.
Oh.
Thank you for rephrasing that.
All I'm saying is every day I have 150 people that rely on me.
Today, I only have four.
This is easy.
Mom, we're starving.
You haven't fed us yet.
I didn't? Are you sure you don't want any help? They're fasting.
Yeah.
We're all kind of spiritual now.
Do you have any food? Okay, Nick, elevator door opens, we walk into Sheila's, we ask her nicely for the tickets, during which Gary will flash her his sad face.
Gary, do your sad face.
Perfect.
Nick, if you have anything insulting to say about Sheila, get it out of your system now.
Thank you.
Gary, you've never been here before, so I don't want you to be surprised, but Sheila lives in a web in the corner.
All right.
Good one.
Hello? Wow.
This place is beautiful.
And you used to live here? Yes, I did.
Hi, old stuff.
Daddy's here.
Hey.
Oh.
Ernie is napping.
Okay.
Now what was so important that you couldn't ask me over the phone? Well, Gary you remember my friend, Gary, here.
Gary.
- What? Oh.
Uh, Gary has a rare day off from taking care of four kids, and we were really hoping we could use the giants tickets tonight.
Sure.
What time does it start? - 8:00.
- Great.
That'll give you a full five hours to help me pack my apartment.
Hmm.
- You've gotta be kidding.
- No.
But Chris was when he said he had that cruise this weekend.
Ub40 is playing in helsinki.
I looked it up Mon.
If you want the tickets, you'll help me pack my apartment.
Now there's bottles of water in the fridge.
Nick, if you have to use the restroom, there's one downstairs in the subway station.
It was a good call.
It was a good call, Chris.
Don't don't marry the super cute girl who thinks you're the funniest person in the world.
Marry the girl that "challenges" you.
See, this is what you get for taking the high road, Chris.
You get to move all your old stuff out of your old apartment to get your old tickets from your old wife.
We're doing this for Gary.
It's his day off.
Hey.
I know this couch.
This is my old pass-out couch.
What have you done to it? It's all button-y.
After the divorce, Sheila had it reupholstered.
That is sick, man.
This is this is the couch we had when we were roommates.
We have history on this couch.
Do you know how many future Mrs.
Nick Thayers refused to hook up with me on this couch? - Hmph.
- You know what? This is where I draw the line, okay? You have given her too much stuff.
We're taking this couch back.
No, it's Sheila's.
And might I remind you, I took the high road.
Oh, real does she know that? - I think she does, yeah.
- What do I know? Besides the capital of Peru.
It's lima.
Oh, you know.
Just that you got all of Chris's stuff because he took the high road in the divorce.
Not exactly sure that's how it happened.
Come on, Sheila.
I mean, you know you got all of this because I didn't want to drag things out arguing over who owns what, you know.
Or maybe because you know I'm a better negotiator, and you would lose it all anyway if we went head-to-head.
Come on.
You are not a better negotiator.
Oh, no? I have you packing all my stuff up on a Sunday.
I'm sorry, Chris, could you hear all the way up there on the high road? Okay, I'm gonna go grab Ernie a sweater.
Mrs.
Stevenson upstairs is hosting a little farewell get-together in my honor.
She's such a sweet lady.
I helped her sue her children.
Okay.
High road's closed.
We're taking the couch.
That's what I'm talking about! No, you can't! Because she'll catch you idiots, keep the tickets, and then the highlight of my day off becomes learning the capital of Peru.
How can you think about yourself right now? I once cried because I had no shoes Until I met a man with no feet.
What the hell does that mean? It doesn't matter what it means.
It's it's profound, and it applies.
Okay.
I'll see you guys later.
Oh, and Gary.
- Hmm? You packed all my madame Alexander dolls, right? Oh, yes I did.
All 40 of them.
I'm gonna have nightmares for a month.
Well, obviously, you didn't understand how valuable they are, I'm gonna need you to repack them, like, one per box.
Thanks.
Let's take this damn couch.
Yes.
Which one of you threw that juice? I will find out.
Clark! Yoda! Let's go.
Why are you wearing those? Mom, we're astronauts.
Emily could be down any second.
So we gotta get out of this apartment right now.
You look flustered.
Come on.
Okay, we'll take the couch to Chris's, drop it off, come right back here, get those tickets, get to the giants game.
- Easy.
- Yeah.
All right.
Why is this thing so heavy? It's a pullout couch.
- This is a pullout couch? - Yeah.
I passed out on this thing for years.
How come you never told me this was a pullout couch? I was embarrassed.
I didn't have a sheet for it.
Hey, man, this thing isn't gonna fit.
Oh, oh, right.
We went through the window.
Here.
- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay.
Then, you know what? It's gonna go out the window.
So Gary, head downstairs, try and flag down a van cab, okay? We'll put it out the window, Chris, did you happen to lose any rope in the divorce? Any rope? Try all my rope.
Almost there.
God, my arms are spent.
Why did I try and do that chin-up on the construction scaffolding earlier? Oh, she's here.
Gary, watch out! Almost died! That was fast.
How was the Stevenson party? Oh, turns out it wasn't a farewell party.
It was a pyramid scheme to sell me a yogurt franchise.
Wow, look what you guys got done.
Thank you.
Well, you get a lot done when you do it with a smile.
Guys! What are you doing up there? Oh, is Gary outside? Yeah, we sent him outside 'cause he was sweating so much and steaming up the room and warping your law books.
Tell him to wait.
I want to give him the tickets myself - Couch! - Okay.
All right, - ah! - What? What are you doing? Oh, Gary.
There you are.
- Hey, Sheila.
- Yeah.
Uhoh.
Hey! Sheila.
Wow, those are beautiful.
Where did you get those shoes from? That's a great story.
I saw them at Bergdorf's.
- No.
- Yeah.
Really? - Oh, God to Connecticut to the outlet store.
Of course, it was closed by then so I got a hotel.
And anyway, now I always wonder, do I love these shoes because they were hard to get or do I just love them? Love them, obviously.
Shoes.
Anyway, here's the tickets.
- Oh.
- Have fun.
- Oh hey.
- Aw.
Thank you, Sheila.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All right, let's just go back in.
- All right.
- Okay, bye.
Uhhuh, bye.
Guys, I got the tickets! Couch! I'm going to a football game.
I haven't been to a football game since the Houston Oilers existed.
Warren moon! Warren moon! Also yell that we got our couch back.
Oh, and they got their couch back! And that the high road is for chumps.
Also, Gary, seat belt.
Hey, honey.
Guess who's going to the football game tonight? Oh, I'm so happy for you.
Hey, what's our medical insurance I.
D.
Number? Oh, it's j76468.
Wait.
What happened.
Nothing.
Clark is having stomach pains.
We're at the emergency room.
The emergency room? It's fine.
I have it under control.
Go have fun at your game.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
Hey, can you turn the cab around, please? Hey, change of plans! I'm going to the emergency room! Oh, hey, hey! - What are you guys doing here? - What happened? I think Clark has Crohn's disease.
Wait.
Did you look at WebMD? You cannot consult the Internet.
The Internet always leads to Crohn's disease.
Son, look at me.
What did you eat? Grape jelly.
How much? All of it.
- What? - She forgot to feed me.
I tried! They didn't want anything.
And then Robbie he crapped all the way up to his neck.
And I got distracted.
Why didn't you call Emily? Because I wanted to prove I could do it myself.
I'm sorry, baby.
Can you still make your game? Yes, I mean, you know, I think we can still make the last quarter.
Right? Okay.
Come on, son.
You're gonna be all right.
All right, big boy? - Ooh! - Ahh! That is grape jelly, all right.
Look, I guess that's that.
No.
No, this is your day off.
We have come too far to stop now, okay? Yup.
Here.
Put this on.
I'll look ridiculous.
No more ridiculous than someone wearing loafers to a football game.
You guys talking about me, right? Thank you so much for helping me get the kids down.
I wish you called me earlier.
The Internet always leads to Crohn's disease.
Emily, I am sorry.
This is work.
I couldn't even get them fed and to a museum.
I'm not celebrating mother's day anymore.
Nope.
I do not deserve the last-minute gifts purchased at CVS.
Hey, you got four kids to the emergency room all by yourself.
Yeah.
And back.
Yeah.
Wow.
Hey, boys.
Turns out you do have a good mom.
Great.
Can you feed us dinner? Right.
Dinner.
Do you have any food? That was the best ten minutes of any game I've ever seen.
Oh, and for those of us not wearing pants, also the coldest ten minutes.
Anybody want another beer? Nah.
You know what? I think I'm gonna head home.
Gary, you still got, like, two hours left on your day off.
You know, honestly, I just needed time away from my kids to miss them.
And I miss them.
And I miss my pants.
I forgot that unless you're super drunk, that thing kills your back.
You know, I don't know, Nick.
I don't really think it fits in here.
Yeah.
We're gonna have to throw out all your stuff and rebuild around the couch.
No, I mean, I don't think the couch fits in my life anymore.
I don't want it.
You know, you got me all worked up, but I didn't take the high road for Sheila.
I took it for me and Ernie because I want us to be able to move on.
I'm not resentful, Nick.
I'm over my divorce.
And it'd really help me out if you got over my divorce too.
I will try and get over your divorce.
But I cannot be responsible for any crank phone calls that my mom makes.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey.
That was fast.
You just called a minute ago saying you were leaving your place.
Yeah.
My new place is nearby.
I take a left out my apartment, take the elevator down eight floors.
What? I moved into the building.
Surprise! It's gonna be so much easier for Ernie.
- This building? - This building.
- My building? - Our building now.
And I thought about what you said.
And I want to take the high road too.
So you can have your season tickets.
- Oh.
- Great.
We stole your couch.
It's up on the roof if you want to get it.
That whole thing about getting over your divorce, I think I'm gonna need some more time on that.