Hank (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Oh! That's me.
St.
James place.
And, oh, Hank, with a hotel.
950 smackers! Ooh.
Uh-oh.
I can give you $43.
Aw.
Then you can declare bankruptcy.
Ah.
Two bankruptcies in one year-- oh, that's gotta sting.
Oh! Look, Hank, Here's some money you must have dropped.
Thank you, dawn, but I don't need your Charity.
Nothing upsets me more than being pitied.
But I just feel so sorry for you.
Okay, game night's over.
You know what? You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
(chuckles) Oh, Tilly, for thanksgiving, Would you rather bring a side dish or dessert? I guess I could just pick up a pumpkin pie at the store.
Wait a minute.
We're having thanksgiving at their house? Well, where else would we do it? Well, we could do it here.
You want us to cook here? No, we could cook here.
I mean, we always have thanksgiving at our place.
There's no reason to stop doing that now.
Oh, I have a reason.
Your army of caterers didn't move to Virginia with you.
Man has a point.
Well, all right, yes, the circumstance is different, But we can roll up our sleeves and make this thing happen.
I have this image of us, til, Like that normal Rockwell painting-- Me, sitting at the head of a table, Carving a turkey before my beaming family.
Oh, look at you, thinking about your family.
Yeah.
(laughs) all right, sweetheart.
We'll do it here.
Great! I'm still confused about the "who's cooking" part.
We'll cook.
I can cook, dawn.
Yeah.
Come on, guys.
It's not that we think you can't.
It's just that Know you can't.
I take that as a challenge.
You take everything as a challenge.
Grady, we say we let 'em do it.
Great! It's settled, then.
The pryors will be hosting thanksgiving, And, you funks, all you have to bring is your appetite And a list of the things you're thankful for Because we will be going around the table.
What about my deep fryer? I wanna fry a turkey.
Sweetie, let it go.
Then why the hell have I been Watching my cholesterol since Halloween? So thanksgiving here-- I like it.
It's gonna be great.
So what do we do? Just google "turkey"? Well, I'll tell you.
The grocery store the day before thanksgiving Is no place for the faint of heart.
Yeah.
I actually had to wrestle a wild-eyed grandma For a bag of yams.
I got 'em.
(chuckles) Fresh yams? Fresh cranberries? They didn't have any canned? No, we don't wanna use cans, till.
Fresh everything.
Well, that's gonna be a lot more work, Hank.
Yeah, but just think of the satisfaction we'll feel, Throwing our first real thanksgiving And basking in the warm glow of shoving it down Grady's throat.
(chuckles) I think you're gonna make an awesome dinner, mom.
Really? Yes, because you're so awesome, You could never do anything that wast awesome.
Aw.
Oh, and Sophie invited me again To her house for thanksgiving this year, So I figure I will just hop on the 9:00 train to New York.
Sounds good? Great.
Ha ha ha ha.
You're staying here, young lady.
Thanksgiving's a family holiday.
Since when? Since tomorrow.
So you're gonna make me stay? But imagine how unpleasant I'll be.
I don't have to imagine.
I can see it right now.
Oh, here.
Henry, let me help you with those.
What took you so long? Oh, I was just showing Marie what you bought.
Marie? My cat.
Ah.
Henry You know, of course, we don't have a cat.
Well, you don't, but I do.
Sometimes I play with her in my room.
Henry, Honey, The cat's not real, And neither is the leprechaun that you think lives in our car.
Marie's real, and so is weebit o'houligan.
What the hell? Honey, it's just a phase-- A really Long phase.
Oh, here.
Henry, Henry, hey, hold it.
I got it.
I got it.
Here.
Oh, my god.
What the hell is that? This Is the Pryor family turkey.
Oh.
38 pounds.
(thud) Hank.
This is a statement turkey, and the statement is Hey, Grady, look how big my turkey is.
Hey, guys, Hey, Grady, look how big my turkey is.
I've seen bigger.
Oh.
Did I beat dawn over here? She's gonna swing by with a little gift She picked up for the host and hostess, and I (falsetto singsong voice) think you're gonna like it.
Is it the 80 pounds of stuffing we're gonna need To fill that turkasaurus? You know, til, if you want, we could all pitch in And help with the cooking, and-- no, no, no.
We've got this covered.
This kitchen is a funk-free zone.
Suit yourself.
Wow, look at this.
Fresh yams, fresh cranberries.
This is gonna be an old-fashioned thanksgiving Like the ones mom used to do.
Oh, no, no, nothing that elaborate.
Or unpleasant.
Hank.
What? I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
Well, if you're looking for a good gravy recipe, You know who's got one? Mom.
To make it the way she makes it, I'd need a bubbling cauldron and eye of newt.
(laughs) Sorry.
These things just keep slipping out.
Hank, we get it.
You're not a fan.
I mean, can you blame me? The woman hates me.
No, she doesn't.
She doesn't like me.
No, she doesn't.
Yeah.
You know, mom also makes a mean applesauce.
She puts a pinch of nutmeg-- Grady, why do you keep talking about your mo-- (gasps) She's coming.
Oh, did I ruin the surprise? Mom is coming to thanksgiving dinner That I'm cooking? Oh, my god.
She's just gonna criticize everything I do.
Okay, when is she getting here? (dawn) knock, knock! Hello?! Any second.
Look who I found at the train station.
There's my baby boy! Oh! My handsome boy.
Hi.
My beautiful princess.
Oh.
Oh! (flatly) Hank.
Evelyn.
You look well.
And you Made it here.
So Isn't this fun?! The whole family back together again, Just like it used to be Before that one shanghaied Tilly off to New York.
You know, I don't remember all thistility When this one was buying you that condo in Myrtle beach.
It has ants.
Yeah, well, blow it up then.
So, Matilda, heard you're making thanksgiving dinner.
That should be Interesting.
Well, mom, you know, I've hosted thanksgiving before.
Yeah, but, Honey, that one I went up to in New York Had caterers and waiters, and all those people Kept following me around with ashtrays.
You've never done it yourself.
But I'm doing it now.
Yeah.
Well, better late than never.
Whoo! I tell you, Two hours on that nonsmoking train-- I just about went out of my mind.
(under breath) just about? But it's worth it to see my grandbabies.
Have they lost their sickly New York pallor? Oh, yeah.
Nothing like a visit from their smoking grandma To put some color in their cheeks.
No, Evelyn, not in the house, please.
Oh, take it easy, Hank.
It is disgusting, and it will kill you.
Do it outside.
Your house Till you lose that, too.
Wow! Christmas is gonna have to bring its "a" game to top this.
She's always got something to say.
"oh, Matilda, you're gonna cook thanksgiving.
That'll be interesting.
" ever since we moved to New York, It's just one dig after the other.
Peel it, sweetie.
Don't kill it.
Oh, hey, mom.
Can I feed those yam butts to marie? No, Honey.
Sweetheart, please do me a favor.
Don't mention your Cat to grammy, okay? Or your leprechaun.
Unless it scares her off! Oh, Hank, my arms are exhausted from peeling.
Honey, you're doing just fine.
Sweetheart, fine is not good enough for my mother.
In her world, a good mom should know how to make A perfect thanksgiving.
Hey, listen, how about when Gry and dawn come over, we ask them to give us some help? No.
No.
There's nothing Grady would love more than to have us Crawling to him on our hands and knees.
Tilly, this is our thanksgiving, not theirs.
We can do this.
Norman Rockwell.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, I need you to put on a big pot of water for me.
Give me a second.
Trying to get these giblets out of here, And they're frozen.
The turkey's still frozen? Don't panic.
Uh, we can thaw it out.
We'll just soak it in some water.
Ow.
Okay.
What? Here's a little cooking tip-- Never shove a wet hand into a frozen turkey.
Happy turkey day! (laughs) Hi.
Oh! Well, I don't smell cookin', but I don't smell burnin', So I'm gonna say glass half-full.
(chuckles) that's right.
We're doing--doing just great, mom.
Bird not in the oven yet, Hank-o? No.
I'd hate to intrude on a funk-free zone, But it's not too late for me to fire up that deep fryer.
No, thank you.
I've got everything under control.
You just move along.
Move along.
(chuckles) Kinda lingering in that turkey there, Hank.
You guys are guests, so out of thkitchen.
Come on now.
Shoo, shoo.
Ow.
Should we let her keep going, Or should we order the Chinese food now? (laughs) Oh, look, Tilly! Here's a simple recipe for stuffing You must have dropped.
It serves four, so I guess you were gonna double it.
(lowers voice) okay, let's get that bird in the sink! Okay, right.
Yeah.
(grunts) (grunts) (thud) Shoot! Won't fit.
Stupid, stupid super turkey! The tub! It'll fit in the upstairs tub.
Wait a second.
You wanna put a dead bird where I take baths? Yes, it is my greatest desire.
In fact, it's one of my new year's resolutions.
What other choice do we have? There is no better day to do laundry than thanksgiving! (Hank chuckles) Clean, clean, clean! I love to clean! (grunts) How are we doing? All right, I think.
Okay.
What do we got in here? (sizzling) Oh.
Creamed corn.
Not anymore.
Damn it! I'm distracted! My mother keeps making excuses To come in here and check on me.
Oh, got all turned around And thought this was the bathroom.
(chuckles) Long as I'm here, how's it going? Fantastic.
Just like it was five minutes ago When you thought this was the porch.
You know, Tilly, I forgot to mention How much I like your outfit.
Oh.
You're all dressed up like you're going someplace Fancy.
No, I'm just cooking dinner, mom.
Well, I thought maybe you were going to the opera.
Oh, what happened here? Nothing, mom.
That's Just fine.
Everything's fine.
Such a shame, you know? If you hadn't moved to New York, I could've taught you how to do all of this.
But I guess we all have to live with our choices.
That woman's buried two Husbands.
Dad and Bud took the easy way out.
Okay, guess I gotta start this corn over.
Okay.
I'll be back in a minute.
Well, you can just leave that on the ground.
That's fine.
It's not littering if it's a cigarette.
You know, Tilly is doing her best in there.
I was trying to help.
You ever heard of constructive criticism? I have heard of it.
I haven't witnessed any today.
May I ask you to hold off on whatever issue it is You have with Tilly until we get through this day? I don't have an issue with Tilly.
Problem's with you.
Yes, I know.
I moved your little girl far, far away.
But you see, people do grow up.
They move away from their crazy mothers.
I'm speaking in general terms, of course.
You turned her into somebody I barely recognize.
What does that mean? (scoffs) I didn't raise my daughter To be a dingbat in the kitchen Or wear high heels when she cooks Or have children who have imaginary pets.
Yeah, he told me.
But you took her off to New York And turned her into a highfalutin hothouse flower, And now you're back down here.
Excuse my French, but y'all are screwed.
Have I told you lately how delightful I find you? (bell dings) Good news.
Your mother's gone from passive-aggressive To aggressive-aggressive.
No, no, can't, not now.
The timer went off.
I have no idea what it's for.
Maddie, we're eating in an hour.
(laughs) yeah, right.
So your mother has finally gone completely around the bend.
You know what she just said to me? She accused me of turning you into someone That she doesn't recognize.
Surprised she can recognize anything Through that cloud of smoke.
Well, I am a very different person Than I was when I left Virginia.
Well, that's true.
You don't go around saying "y'all" Or "ce-ment" anymore.
That's a change for the better.
You know, I really need a snort.
You want one? Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you saying that you've improved me? No, no, I-I wasn't saying that.
It's just that you're less like them, so, well, you're welcome.
Let me tell you something, Hank Pryor.
Maybe if I was little more like them, I would know what the hell I was doing in here.
Oh, I see.
So now we're blaming all this on me.
Yeah.
Yeah, we are.
I was free and clear, taking a store-bought pie, But that wasn't good enough for you-- You and your sick Norman Rockwell fetish.
And then when I knew we were in over our heads, I said, "please get some help from Grady and dawn," And you said no, because you are a competitive, Selfish, egomaniac with-- with delusions of grandeur! Well, look at all the big words I taught you in New York.
And you wanna know what? I'm gonna go get Grady and dawn and get some help.
No, no! You are not! This is our thanksgiving, and the pryors, not the funks, Are putting dinner on that table.
Pryors, funks-- You keep talking about it like it is us versus them.
Honey, I am "us," but I am also "them"! But more us! Right now I will be on whatever team that helps me Get that stupid turkasaurus on the table! (gasps) (gasps) Oh, no! I forgot the turkasaurus! (gasps) oh, my god.
Marie, I presume.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
Tilly, it's just a cat on a turkey.
I'm sure this happens all the time.
Hank, I can't do this anymore.
Yes, you can, because we have to.
No.
No, I gotta get outta he.
I gotta Take a walk and clear my head.
I don't know.
But, til! (growls) You think that's gonna scare me After what I've been through today? (hisses) ooh! Grady, dawn, May I speak to you in private? I have something nice to say, And I don't want you to think it might apply to you.
Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? Drink this And watch that.
Why, look at you.
You're the queen of England.
Okay.
Tilly took a little walk, And I'm not sure she's coming back.
But in the event that she does, I need Help From you With this.
Ha! I seem to recall a man elbow-deep in a turkey Who told us to stay out of his kitchen.
Yes, I know.
I've been a competitive egomaniac With delusions of grandeur.
I tried to hijack this thanksgiving Because I wanted us to do it all.
Now I realize that "us" isn't just Tilly and me.
It's Tilly and me and Y'all.
It's Our thanksgiving, And I just hope that we can all pull together as a family.
Here I was all set to gloat, And now you're taking all the fun out of it.
You have no idea how long ago the fun went out of it.
Listen, I really need to do this for Tilly, And I can't do it by myself.
Of course we'll help you.
What do you need us to do? Just the Everything.
Grady, I need you to fry that turkey.
yes! Peanut or corn oil? I have both in the truck.
I'll surprise you! Oh, son, I owe you an apology.
I'm sorry I didn't believe in Marie And that I suggested you were crazy.
I'm under a lot of pressure today, And I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
That's okay, dad.
Great! Now I need you to go up there And pry your cat off of my turkey.
You just gotta be sweet with Marie.
Come here, pretty girl.
Come here.
(hisses) Oh! Let me go get my squirt gun.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
It's been a hell of a day.
(sighs) Well, do you need any help? Really? You got a cat on a turkey.
I'm not made of stone.
All right, stand back.
She does not like this at all.
(indistinct conversations) Yeah, put that on.
(indistinct conversations continue) What's going on? We're making dinner.
Hank said the family had to pull together To make this happen.
And when he said "family," he meant us.
You did? Uh-huh.
You did? Well, you finally got through to me.
It's not like my head's full of ce-ment.
Hey, you finally said it right.
All right, I cut off all the parts The cat chewed on.
Time to give this bad boy the hot oil treatment! Thank you, Hank.
Aw.
I can't tell you how much that means to me.
No, there's no time, Honey.
You gotta grab some oven mitts And take that corn bread out of the oven.
We got a battle-ax to dazzle.
Oh, my gosh! Grady's about to put the turkey in the deep fryer! (explosion) (Grady) I'm okay! Did anyone see where the turkey went?! (thud) (car alarms blaring) Never mind! I found it! This creamed corn is awesome.
Mm-hmm.
Have you tried the turkey? The half we found is really good.
(loudly) what? Actually, everything turned out very delicious.
(Hank) mm-hmm.
Wouldn't you say, mom? Well, this sure beats that one I went up to in New York.
That one was so Fancy and formal, I didn't even feel comfortable unbuckling my pants.
But this Well, this is a real family thanksgiving.
We haven't been this way in a long, long time.
It's a beautiful dinner, Tilly.
I'm proud of you.
Well Mom, I'm not really responsible for this dinner.
Hank is.
So you should be proud of him.
The yams are cold.
Careful, Evelyn.
That fryer's still hot.
"life in-surance matures.
Collect $100.
" Pay up, banker.
I'll pay you When you say the word right.
What word? Insurance.
In-surance.
No.
In-surance.
If you say it like that again, I'm gonna send you home in an ambulance.
Am-bu-lance.
Oh.
And I'm done.
Ugh.