Happily Divorced (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

"Happily Divorced" is shoted before a live audience.
- Franny, honey, I got a big surprise for you.
- Oh! [giggles.]
Well, I'll go shave.
Oh.
Force of habit, oh.
Like I'd have anything to shave for--what? - I signed a huge client today.
This guy is looking at seven-figure estates.
This commission is the answer to our prayers! I'm gonna be able to get my own place! - Oh, my god.
All our dreams are coming true! First, we get married, then you come out, We get divorced, now you're moving.
It's like a fairy tale! - If I had my own pad I could invite a fella over for a sleepover.
- [chuckles.]
Maybe do a threesome with potsie and ralph.
- Honey, you realize this means we're gonna Be able to live like normal divorced people! - I know! We'll be able to talk behind each other's backs Without actually being behind each other's backs.
- I love you! - I love you more! [both laughing.]
- hey! [all laughing.]
- What are we celebrating? - Peter's finally moving out.
- No! - Oh.
Cesar, this has nothing to do with you.
We both still love you.
We're just not going to live together anymore.
- But it won't be the same! - Well, you'll be able to see peter On weekends and holidays.
- Oh! I wish I was never hired.
- What do normal divorced people do next? - I guess they figure out who gets what.
- Well, listen, fran, I'm really just gonna Move to a small place; I don't need much.
- Oh, sweetie, petey.
You're the one that's moving out.
You should take whatever you want.
- Okay.
Well, maybe just the couch.
- The centerpiece of the whole living room? - Fine, I'll take the two chairs.
- Oh, those were bought specifically To go with this couch.
- Fine, I'll take the tv.
- Well, what the hell am I gonna watch When I'm sitting on the couch? The two chairs? - Fran, why don't you just tell me what to take? - Well, why don't you just take everything? [gasps.]
oh, listen to us.
- We're arguing like normal divorced people! - Ah! [both laughing.]
- Well, maybe I'll just take-- - no.
- she was certain that he was her one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced - Well, fran, You'll finally have the house to yourself.
You can walk around naked, and no one will bother you.
- No one bothers me now.
That's the problem.
Oh, I can't believe I'm finally gonna be Living like a single woman.
Living by myself, what's that like? - Well, let me break it down for you.
7:00, entertainment tonight, "oh, half a snickers couldn't hurt.
" Then you fall asleep, Wake up around 9:00, ready to start your day, And then you realize "oh, crap, it's 9:00 p.
M.
" - Well, that's not gonna happen with me.
Peter's leaving, but he's not going far.
Trust me, that man is lost without me.
- Franny, I need you to do a cuff link.
- Ipso facto.
Look at you, dressed like tom bergeron.
- [chuckles.]
well, that new client I have, Victor, he has an extra ticket to the opera.
And we're gonna grab a bite to eat first.
- Wow, are you celebrating? Did he finally make an offer on that estate? - No, because he wants A bigger one! - Wow! - Yes! - On the beach in malibu.
And with this extra commission, I'm not gonna have to look at little condos.
I'm gonna be able to get a place anywhere.
Maybe even go to new york.
- New york? No.
- What do you mean, "no"? - Oh, I just meant no way.
Shut up! That's awesome! - Isn't it? - Yeah.
- You know how much I love the city, With the theater and the restaurants.
- Yeah, but But, um But what are you gonna do there, besides the guys That work in the theater and the restaurants? - Ow.
Why are you acting so weird? - Well, I'm just-- I'm worried about you.
You know, what do we really know about this guy victor? I mean, you know how naive you are around people.
- I am not! - Well, remember that guy that you thought was straight, And he was actually gay, and it turned out to be you.
- And your point is? - Well, think about it.
I mean, victor was supposed to buy that house.
Now he wants to see more houses, Which means spending more time with you.
I don't think that he's even looking for a house.
I think he's looking for a boy toy.
- That is insulting! It's flattering, but it's insulting! - And it's ridiculous.
Pete is a little long in the tooth to be a trophy wife.
- But the man's 83 with cataracts.
To him, peter looks like justin bieber.
- Fran, I think I know a serious buyer when I see one.
And "f" your "I" Victor's not even gay.
He was married to a woman for over 20-- - Listen, I'm not gonna say another word.
Because you'll see tonight, when he pulls the old Drop the napkin trick.
Oh, let me go get it here.
Oh, oops, oops, oops.
And then accidental slippage.
- Are you done? - I hope not.
- Fran, I have been working like a dog To make this sale for us.
I've been schlepping victor all over town, Showing him estates, and taking him to golf courses, Touring country clubs-- I'm exhausted! Thank god we took that sauna yesterday.
- Is anyone else hearing this? - There's nothing here to hear.
Where's my wallet? - Maybe you left it in the sauna.
- Okay, now you're just being ridiculous.
Because we were naked.
[door closes.]
We were all naked.
It was a sauna for men, And we were all sweat-- who asked you? [door slams.]
- Fran, I am not a part of this.
- You're just dropping me off.
- This is such a bad idea.
- You saw how much denial peter was in when he left before.
You know, he never knows when he's getting taken advantage of.
Which is the reason why we have a $100 warranty On a $50 toaster.
- This is so ridiculous.
- That victor has no intention of buying a house.
- How do you think you're even gonna get into the opera? - They never check the tickets at intermission.
I'm just gonna glide into the lobby, Mingle, mingle, mingle.
I'll get myself a glass of champagne, a box of goobers, And before you know it, I'll just blend in with the crowd.
- And then what? - Then I'm gonna save peter.
- Ooh, he is gonna be so pissed at you For buttin' into his business.
- So what? That's never stopped me before.
- Did you enjoy the first act? - Oh, it was brilliant.
And victor, it was so nice of you To take me to dinner first.
- Ah, well, I hope you saved room for dessert.
[operatic singing commences.]
- [whispers.]
excuse me.
Do you have a black mercedes? - No, it's a silver lexus.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Silver lexus, that's it, that's it.
They're towing your car.
- What? Why? - I think you parked over the line.
This is a german opera.
It's very precise.
- It's an italian opera.
- Lady, do you want your car or not? [bag crinkling loudly.]
all: Shh.
[continues crinkling.]
All: Shh! [loud crinkling.]
[loud crunching.]
all: Shh.
- Excuse me, would you keep it down, fran? Fran! What are you doing here? [stammers.]
what are you doing here? - [whispers.]
I'm helping you! - Y-y-you're insane.
Go home.
- No, you're just telling me to leave Because you know that I'm right about that guy.
- You're a crazy woman.
- You're naive.
[overlapping arguing.]
All: Shh! - I love tuscany.
- Oh, yes, and wait till you see the tuscan villa I'm gonna show you tomorrow.
It's right on the golf course, And I've arranged for us to play a couple of rounds.
- Oh, excellent.
Though, with my bad back, Be prepared to spend the rest of the day Picking up my balls.
- Did you hear that? - Yes, I heard it.
It was nothing.
- It was something.
- Go home! - Shh! You're disturbing the people.
- [sighs.]
- Oh, excuse me.
[operatic singing.]
+ - Can you believe that guy? - Yeah, now I do believe it.
- Right in the middle of the opera! - Well, we showed him, didn't we? You were so forceful, peter.
The way you stood up to him, Gave him a piece of your mind, Told him you do not wish to be his realtor anymore.
- Actually, that was you, fran.
- Me, you, we were a team! - Ah, I couldn't have done it without you.
- Well, behind every gay ex-husband There's a woman that, No matter how much you put her through, She's still there for you.
- How could I have been so wrong? I always knew in the past when someone was hitting on me.
You know, that waitress in cabo, Or that girl that sold us the camry.
That sexy lady at the airport bar.
- Working for tips.
Trying to sell you a car.
Not a lady.
- Ugh.
I just feel so stupid.
- Oh, sweetie, don't beat yourself up.
It doesn't matter that you were wrong, That's not important.
What's important is that I was right.
- You were right.
- I know, because I have instincts.
- You do.
You have instincts.
- And you are just too trusting.
- I am.
I trust too much.
And you knew.
- I did, I did.
But, you know, I have feminine intuition.
You just haven't been gay long enough to have it yet.
[sighs.]
- Ugh! It's getting to the point You can't even open the paper Without seeing some horrifying news.
- Judy, stop reading the engagement announcements.
- Well, I'm sorry.
It makes me sick.
Another former playmate snagged a millionaire.
He bought her a ten-karat ring.
What's she got that I ain't got? - A millionaire and a ten-karat ring.
- And check this out.
He bought her a huge mansion in malibu.
- [gasps.]
oh, my god.
Judy! - What? - This is victor, My gay ex-husband's straight ex-client! [both gasp.]
- I gotta get rid of this before peter comes out.
- Morning! - What's up? - Honey, you done with the paper? - UmYeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, look how dirty those glasses are.
Let me just clean it for you.
You know, little known fact, newspaper cleans glass Much better than your major leading brands.
Oh, beautiful.
Here you go.
And there you are.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, I'm making a fresh pot of coffee.
I'll let you know when it's done.
Oh, god, was that close? - Oh, but you thought quick.
- You know why I thought quick? Because years ago, I took an improv class.
They teach you to anticipate what's coming up next.
Like, right now, I'm beginning to wonder Whether there's a possibility that that house sale Is also in the real estate section.
- Fran! - Oh, yeah.
See, it was.
It was.
- Did you read this? Victor just bought a huge estate for his fiancee, Who, fun fact, is a woman! - I don't need to see this.
I'm just gonna go out on the patio And listen with cesar.
- Bring me an everything bagel! - Okay.
- Fran, this was a $200,000 commission.
Why did I listen to you? - My voice is hard to ignore? - [groans.]
- But it's not just me.
What about the slippage? - It was just slippage.
That's what old people do.
They slip.
Oh, god! Why didn't I listen to my own instincts? - Well, you know, you really should.
I mean, you tend to jump to conclusions.
- Fran, we were this close.
And thanks to you, I'm never gonna get out of here.
I hope you're happy now.
- You know, I think I am.
+ - What the hell is wrong with me? For six months, I've been wanting him to move out.
I finally get a chance, and I ruin it for him.
And I think that I'm actually happy about it.
- Darling, what you're feeling is very natural For a woman who is going through what you are going through.
- Really, ma? - Of course.
You're perimenopausal.
- Dori, you're giving away my leisure suits? I was gonna wear these again.
- To what, glen? The watergate hearings? Darling, that time is over for you.
You gotta know when to let go of all your old crap.
- Yeah, well there's a time for you to let go of the story Of how omar sharif made a pass at you at the dry cleaners.
- That was him.
Now if you don't mind, I am dealing with your daughter's perimenopause.
- Sweetie.
You know, they have support groups for that.
- I don't have perimeno-- How do you even know about that? - There's groups for everything.
They meet here at the clubhouse.
I go to all of them.
- Why? - Snacks.
- Well, you know, I've never talked to anybody About me and peter's predicament.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to find a group That has people going through the same thing as us.
- Darling, don't you have enough on your plate With the perimenopause? - I see we have a new member of the group tonight.
This is fran.
All: Hi, fran.
- Hi.
- It's okay, fran.
This is a safe space.
You can use your real voice.
- What do you mean? - Oh.
Why don't you just tell us about your situation? - Well, I'd prefer to listen, if you don't mind.
I'm really not comfortable talking in front of people.
- Okay.
Mary, how about you? - Oh.
Well Jonathan is in a lot of pain right now And I'm trying to be supportive of him Because I know it isn't easy-- - But what about your pain, mary? What about your needs? You're the one that he woke up in the middle of the night To say "guess what, honey, I'm gay.
" And then boom, you're supposed To just forget about your old life? You're supposed to just start off with a new one? Maybe you're not ready yet, mary.
Maybe you're just not ready! I'm sorry.
[giggles.]
I'm perimenopausal.
- No, fran, that was great.
- It was? - It was? - You seem to have a lot of repressed feelings.
Why don't you tell us about your relationship with your ex? - Well, it all started back at ucla.
I met peter during a production-- And then for no explainable reason, I start finding fault with his gay client Who, fun fact, isn't gay.
[crying.]
- Sounds like you and your ex have a lot of history together.
- A lot.
- What would happen if peter had made that sale? - Well, peter would've moved to new york, And we would've moved on with our lives, And I guess that's not what I wanted.
- Sounds like you never really grieved your loss.
- No, I did not.
- You can't move on until you do that.
- No, I cannot.
- So maybe some part of you was purposely Trying to ruin that sale for peter.
- You think? All: Yes.
- You see, fran, sometimes we subconsciously undermine The ones we love the most just to keep them close to us.
- Oh, I can't believe I did that to peter.
I'm a terrible ex-wife of a gay! - Does somebody need a hug? - Yes.
- Aw, come here.
- He's got it covered, mary.
Hi.
- How'd you know I'd be here? - Well, you're upset.
Pinkberry's closed, and the abercrombie guys Put their shirts back on at 7:00.
Ergo.
Oh, petey, I need to talk to you.
I just came from my support group.
- You went to a support group? - Uh-huh, but you know, I mostly just listened.
I'm not much of a talker.
It was all my fault.
I ruined that sale.
And it's only because, well, I I didn't wanna lose you.
You know, you're like my father's old leisure suits, see? You're my old crap.
Sometimes old crap is just hard to let go of.
- This group is free, right? - Oh, sweetie, I feel so bad.
- Yeah, well, I'm the idiot who listened to you.
- Well, that's true.
And maybe we should explore.
Perhaps there's somebody else deep down That isn't ready to move on.
What do you think of these? - Are you insane? - Why? With the linen pants? - No, I meant of course I'm ready to move on.
- Well, okay that's maybe because you're better At figuring things out than I am.
- But you do realize that we're gonna have to Go our separate ways at some point.
- I do, I do.
And thanks to my therapy, I feel like I can accept that.
I can let go.
Let's go.
You know, they have two for one Chinese chicken salad in the food court.
- With the crispy noodles? - Of course.
- I love the crispy noodles.
- And we'll get the hoisin sauce.
+ Since we were Last here, I'm sensing that my ex, Peter, has denial issues.
I am not the only one that's co-dependent in this divorce.
And I feel like this is something That we need to bring to the group.
All: Hi, peter.
- Would you like to kick us off tonight, peter? - No, I was brought here under false pretenses.
I was told that we were going to see Lorna luft at the cinegrill.
I shall not be participating.
- Mary, how about you? - As I was saying last time Since jonathan and I split up, I haven't been doing very well.
I'm in a lot of pain, and-- - Well, what about his pain, mary? What about his sleep? Do you think a fold-out couch in the den is comfortable? Do you think it was easy for him To admit the truth about himself? Do you, mary? Do you? - Peter! Peter! Breathe.
It's okay.
- [exhales.]
- I think someone needs a hug.