Happy! (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
White Sauce? Hot Sauce?
1 Previously on "Happy!" I'm Nick Sax, NYPD-ish.
I'm trying to locate a man.
Looks like Santa Claus.
This password, it's actually why we're all here.
- And I'm the only one who - Knows the password.
- Which is why - You gotta get dead.
- [SLAMMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- You guys are trying to kill me! - Oh, no, Sax.
We're gonna kill you.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- What do you want, Blue? - You know what I want, Meredith.
How is your ma? She been taking her medication? Don't worry.
I've got a whole new way into Nick Sax.
You have an enemy in your house.
This is the one who killed your three sons.
Three? There's four.
Mikey is not with them.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Your guy, Mr.
Ho Ho Ho.
He's under strict orders to stay with the children.
- Smoothie.
- The Bug is upset.
And I need you to do a scrub down.
This is it, Nick! The dark room! Don't worry.
Happy and my dad are coming.
They're going to save us.
How will he find us now? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
What the hell are you doing here? - Working a case.
- This ain't a homicide! A favor for a friend! For Amanda.
Bullshit! She hates your guts.
She'd never come to you.
You're right.
She does hate my guts.
And for all the right reasons.
But she loves her daughter.
She loves Hailey.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Why didn't she come to me? She tried.
Let's go, Sax.
We can work the case.
Together.
Just like old times.
Well, well, well.
You had me right up to "old times.
" Let's try this again.
What's your angle? [GUN COCKING.]
[SIGHS.]
Merr, so predictable.
You gotta go see Blue, Nick.
He's really got you by the short and curlies, doesn't he? - [THWACKS.]
- [DINGS.]
Ow.
[SQUISHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Happy? Let's split.
[WHIMPERING.]
[CRYING.]
This was hers.
Hailey's.
Come on.
Let's go find her.
Why are you touching me? I've been waiting for you.
I'm not in the mood to What the fuck is that? Cherry vape.
I'm quitting the old nic sticks.
I was starting to get lines around my mouth.
Let's be real.
Hombre to hombre.
I get it.
You hate the show.
But I just came from the morgue, and this dead son story is heating up.
And bro, you are a big part of it.
I am talking recurring guest.
I am talking spin-off.
Just, uh, sign this release and you can leave all that mobster crap behind.
That crap? Cameras aren't rolling, dude.
Celebrities are the new mobsters.
They make twice as much, and nobody expects them to obey the law.
You know, you gotta give up this tired old idea of [SHATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
[PANICKED BREATHING.]
Why would I wanna leave all this behind? I love my work.
[GASPING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[THE RONETTES' "FROSTY THE SNOWMAN".]
Frosty the Snowman was a happy jolly soul With a corncob pipe and a button nose And two eyes made out of coal Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale they say He was made of snow but the children know How he came to life one day There must have been some magic in That old silk hat they found For when they placed it on his head He began to dance around Merry McCarthy.
Frosty the Snowman This isn't where you're supposed to be.
Blue isn't going to be happy.
But the children say he could laugh and play Just the same as you and me Don't you know That curiosity Killed the cat? Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[ENGINE STOPPING.]
[CHATTERING.]
[BANGING.]
Come, Dancer.
Come.
Come on.
Come, Dasher! Yes! Come, Prancer! And Vixen! [CHUCKLES.]
On, Comet and Cupid! And Donner, and [CREEPY MUSIC.]
I know who's naughty and who's nice.
You are way too nice to go in there.
[SCREAMS.]
You wanna stay with me, don't you? With my other nice kids? You wanna? [SCREAMS.]
[DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
6538 Rose Drive.
6536 Rose Drive.
Oh, look! 6534, we're almost home! You're almost home.
I haven't seen Amanda in ten years.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
We've been to a place where girls slide up and down poles in their birthday suits, where a teddy bear plays with pee-pees, a restaurant that forgot to cook the fish, and a few other places I'm too shy to even talk about.
And you think this is a bad idea? Amanda and I didn't exactly leave on the best of terms.
Come on, Nick.
You're a super cop who knows the Big Apple better than anybody.
She's a super mom who knows Hailey better than anybody.
We can't lose! Push it.
Push the bell.
Come on.
Push it, Nick.
Push the bell! Give me a minute, will you? Wh What's the matter, Nick? I've seen this look before.
On Hailey's face right before riding the pirate ship at the carnival.
Are Are you Scared? God, I hate you.
Oh, you are.
Okay, you've kicked in the doors of the baddest baddies in the Big Apple.
Quit calling it the Big Apple.
You sound like a moron.
No one who lives in New York calls it the Big Apple.
I'm not from New York, Nick.
I'm from Zork, the capital of Cupcake Kingdom.
I'm gonna say it again.
I hate you.
Okay, Amanda is the kindest, happiest, most understanding, sweetest smelling lady - Fine.
- In the whole wide world.
Amanda [SHUSHES.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Don't worry, partner.
You'll see, she's going to be so happy to see you.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Hey, Amanda.
Any more bold predictions, Nostradamus? [EERIE MUSIC.]
Does it work? "Sit up straight.
" "Eat your vegetables.
" "Put down that smartphone or tablet.
" The common refrain of the typical American parent.
Does it sound familiar to you? No.
Of course it does.
But did you listen? No.
You didn't.
And now here we are.
Starting today, your little lives will change in ways you could never have imagined.
There will be moments when you will wonder what you have done to deserve these changes.
Now, I'm sure you all feel you've been good little boys and good little girls.
But until now, you have not known the meaning of true discipline.
Of true obedience.
Your parents were lax with you.
Lax and careless.
You have gotten away with murder.
Haven't you, my little contraceptive mishaps? It's a rhetorical question.
Yours is a generation without respect or responsibility.
An irrelevant, fidgety generation.
You've been medicated, but never taught how to properly behave.
In fact, I have never seen a room of young faces in such dire need of correction.
Perhaps that's why your careless parents have delivered you to me.
- [SLAMMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
It's a really nice pillow.
And place.
I mean, this is some, uh, legit construction, here.
Old school.
Nice flooring and the oak trim.
I mean, uh It's not that Sheetrock, uh, plywood crap.
Bet it does a pretty decent job keeping the winter away, huh? - I'm not a homesteader, Nick.
- Yeah, no.
- It's a rental.
- Yeah.
I'm just saying that, uh, you've done good.
Without you.
[SIGHS.]
Words are hard to find.
Trying to understand what's yours, what's mine.
We find ourselves in this moment together.
This moment of time.
Knowing in our heart what needs to be said is, you know, really just in our eyes.
- You are unbelievable.
- What? - That's from our wedding song.
- I don't It's - I don't think so.
- Why are you here? Hailey.
Merry told you? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
From September.
- She doesn't look like me.
- She's yours.
It's not what I meant.
The eyes.
[GRUNTS.]
You being pregnant and not telling me, you know, I get it.
Hailey being born, leaving me out of it I guess I get that, too.
But goddamn it, Amanda.
When they took her, you go to Merry? That's right.
I did.
Looking for you.
Can you imagine how humiliating that was for me? - Uh - And where were you? Faded, probably? - Pills? - [GRUNTS.]
- Coke? - I Booze? Maybe all of the above? Or maybe just maybe Putting a bullet in some poor bastard for a little cash.
That's right.
I hear things.
Things that I didn't wanna believe.
But looking at you now [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
She's my daughter.
I've done everything I could in the last ten years to keep her from being your daughter.
[BRIAN ENO'S "AN ENDING (ASCENT)".]
And that's exactly how I want to keep it.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
It is my job to keep her safe.
And keeping her safe means keeping you out of our lives.
She's not safe! [INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
I mean, think about it, Nicky.
Look at the dumpster fire that your life has become and ask yourself how I could rely on you.
How anyone could rely on you.
- Just trying to protect - [INDISTINCT.]
Destroying lives and abandoning people? All you do is bring chaos and violence and destruction to everything you touch.
Well, that's a little bit of an exaggeration.
[SLAMMING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[THE RONETTES' "SLEIGH RIDE".]
[GRUNTS.]
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Ring-ting-ting-a-ling too Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you [GRUNTING.]
Outside, the snow is falling [GRUNTING.]
Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [SHATTERING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [GRUNTS.]
Our cheeks are nice and rosy And comfy and cozy are we Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding We're snuggled up together Like two birds of a feather would be Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [SCREAMS.]
[SHOUTS.]
[SHATTERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SHOUTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Axe and you shall receive.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ah, what the hell did I do that for? [GRUNTS.]
No! No! Nick! Nick! Not here, please! [GRUNTS.]
This is Hailey's special place! No! Not Hailey's blankie! [STRAINING.]
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Oh, first place! Uh, I know this Puerto Rican fella in my building.
He can really do wonders with all the stains.
- Get out.
- Let me help, Amanda.
911.
What's your emergency? - Please let me help.
- Hello? Hello? - Please.
- Get out of our house.
If this is a non-emergency, please call the non-emergency number.
What is your location? - Is anyone there? - [PHONE BEEPS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
How the hell did this happen? Oh, I remember a trampoline.
Mm.
Was there a slip and slide? Too much sun.
Too soon, too early, too much.
Mm, something's burning.
Someone broke our window.
I think I know who broke our window.
Oh, master detective.
I have a great idea.
Sleep, bloodies, do it all over again.
Mm.
Sleep, yes.
Bloodies Maybe.
You know we're gonna look back fondly on this On a complete blank.
You're gonna miss it when it's gone.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Eight voicemails? Overkill? You're here, aren't you? Maybe pick up the phone next time, save us all a little trouble.
I was indisposed.
Yeah.
We heard.
Bitches, I get that getting jerked around by Internal Affairs all morning is a part of my official job description, but can we please get to the fucking point? [WHISTLES.]
The language on this one.
You suck your captain's dick with that mouth? Exactly what do you think your job is, McCarthy? Working in partnership with the community to enforce the law, preserve Homicide.
You work homicide.
How's the Scaramucci investigation going, McCarthy? - It's ongoing.
- Ongoing? You know who fucking did it.
Nick Sax.
That's who you should be out looking for.
Instead, you seem to have demoted yourself to kiddie kidnapping.
Missing Persons.
Great band in the '80s.
Not your department.
Nothing to say for yourself? What are words for when no one listens anymore? McCarthy, this insubordinate routine can work really badly against you.
You remember what happened to Sax, right? Yeah.
I remember what you two did to him.
Oh come on, if ever there was an architect of his own spectacular demise, it was Nick Sax.
Dude was a walking downward spiral, and you know it.
Only a matter of time.
Guess when you look at it like that, what's a little planted evidence to help things along, right? You want us to get to the fucking point, so here it is.
This whole kidnapping angle, you want to steer wide clear of that.
Sometimes kids go missing.
It's a tragedy.
Sometimes we find them.
Sometimes we don't.
You understand, McCarthy? Sometimes they just stay missing.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
So this is a message from Blue.
Blue? Who's that? You know who she's talking about, Hubble? Hmm.
Without getting too graphic, how the hell do you bitches sleep at night? Not on our father's graves.
That is him on that wall, isn't it? Behind you? Wall of Heroes.
He was a good cop, McCarthy.
Anyway, that's what I hear.
Cut down in the line of duty.
Mm.
Makes you sick, doesn't it? He must've been so proud of you.
Yeah, I bet he was.
And I bet I know what he would tell you right now.
He would tell you to stay off of that wall.
Do what you have to do.
Do whatever you have to do.
But stay off that wall.
One by one.
Single file.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Oh, no.
No fattening up for you.
Go, sit.
Aren't you lucky? Some of us were born with refined sugar allergies.
No sprinkles or frosting on Christmas.
Just hives and running sores.
[DARK MUSIC.]
What's the matter? I'm not hungry.
Perhaps you once had a piece of cake that didn't agree with you.
[DOOR LOCKS.]
Go on, eat it.
It's good.
I don't think Happy and your dad are coming.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Try and lend a helping hand, the world wipes its ass with it.
She didn't want my help, nah.
It's half-off sushi Saturday at a very adequate strip joint not too far from here.
I can practically smell the spicy tuna.
I guess Amanda was pretty hard on you, but mommies can have bad days too.
Anybody can.
[SPITTING.]
What's the matter with you? What do you ah! You didn't tell me you shed.
Don't shed! I don't like animals that shed! [MUZAK "JINGLE BELLS".]
Look, I don't blame you for feeling sad, Nick.
If I were you, I'd want to just poof! Disappear! At least for a little while.
Why not forever? Wh-whenever I'm feeling down, I go back to basics, I think of ways to help Hailey.
That's why I became an imaginary friend after all! You know, the best way to forget about your own problems is to do something nice for someone else.
That's why Christmas is so awesome-sauce, Nick.
Everyone full of holiday spirit and goodwill toward their fellow man.
That holly, jolly time of year when people can pack up their troubles in an old doggy poop bag, and really be their truest self.
Their true self? Really? Is that what you think? Well, yeah.
Yeah, good luck with that.
I'm out of here.
Not so fast, Nick! I think someone forgot his Christmas spirit.
What have I told you? "By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
" That's right, and when I coined that phrase, - it changed my life.
- I think it was Benjamin God, what a year we've had, huh? So many ups and downs.
I've never been more in love.
No peeking.
Aww, you see, Nick? You see? The spirit of Christmas is everywhere! Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience.
All Queens-bound trains have been delayed indefinitely.
Oh, this city never disappoints.
Is a show about to start? Oh, yeah.
You just watch.
All it takes is a little inconvenience and then you start to see them.
See who? Truest selves.
Go on, Tinkerbell.
Take a look.
Little lap around.
See how much humanity you find when the A train ain't running on time.
Seriously! Come on.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
What the hell do I pay taxes for? Oh, I forgot.
It's up to the ass kickers in this world to subsidize handouts for the deadbeats.
What area code's 602? Ugh, new client.
I didn't ask who it was, I asked what area code it is.
You stole it? Gee whiz, the old five finger discount.
Nick! Uh, what are you doing? Get off the tracks.
Mm.
Do you smell that? All the Christmas spirit in the air.
You could practically choke on it.
You scratch the surface, and there you have it: our true selves.
People hiding behind their bright, colorful wrappings of bullshit.
Hoping that it'll hide what they really are deep down inside underneath it all.
Empty boxes and broken toys.
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience.
The next Queens-bound train will be arriving in two minutes.
Uh, Nick, the train is coming.
Yep.
Yeah, so why don't you get off the tracks? Nope.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson, my little blue bastard.
Something you're never gonna forget.
I'm gonna lie down here on these tracks, and I'm gonna let that train run me right over, and I guarantee you not one SOB on that whole platform - will lift a finger to help me.
- Nick! No! [LAUGHS.]
Help! Help! Help! Mom! - Please! Someone help! - You drove me to this.
Your man whore can wait! Dump what's left of your career in a cardboard box.
- Merry Christmas! - Help! Help, please! Help! All right, Nick.
Get up, you win! - How's it looking up there? - Awful! You made your point! Not quite.
Not until I give these walls a new paint job.
But, Nick! What about Hailey? Hailey.
Hailey.
Don't you try and put this on me! You were the one with her when she was kidnapped! What have you done? I found you.
Yeah, well.
How's that working out for you? You're right, Nick.
This is your kind of world.
Not a world for soft things like me, like Hailey.
You've opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I never wanted to see.
But I won't watch you do this.
If you want me to go, fine.
I'll I'll disappear.
Music to my ears.
Bye-bye.
All right, then.
Goodbye, partner.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[STRAINING.]
Oh, come on now, really? [STRAINING.]
God, I hate my heart.
This homeless dude's having a heart attack! Does anyone know CPR? Someone call 9-1-1! Okay, all right.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Get your hands off me, Jesus.
You really should be in the hospital.
Aw, shut up.
We saved him! It's a Christmas miracle! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
["JOY TO THE WORLD".]
Feel it.
- Isabella.
- Si.
What do you think we're doing? We're making Mikey's favorite meatballs and sauce, just like you said.
No.
You are a mother, calling for the soul of your son.
And how are you gonna get him back? Here! Here! Feel it! - Feel it! - Okay, okay.
Feel it! - Bene.
Isabella? - Mm-hmm? What's the most important ingredient in that sauce? - Oh, garlic.
- No.
A mother's soul.
A mother's love.
Only through a mother's love, the aroma of this flesh, can waft to the spirit world that will free Mikey of his purgatories.
That, and a few drops of my menstrual blood.
Oh, yeah.
Uh Um [ULULATING.]
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
I just threw up in my mouth.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
[RADIO CHATTER.]
You told him.
When I found Sax, he was already looking for her.
We missed Hailey by minutes.
He was there? With you? Amanda, you're gonna have to lay low for a while.
Excuse me? This thing, it's bigger than I thought.
I'm not sure how deep it goes, but there are powerful people involved.
People who will not think twice about making you disappear.
Disappear? Without Hailey, there is nothing left of me to disappear.
It is what it is.
I've already overstepped by involving you.
So you're asking me to do what, exactly? Sit here quietly, waiting for a knock on what's left of my front door telling me she's dead? I know it's not easy, but seven other sets of parents are doing that exact same thing.
Please let me handle it.
You're not handling anything.
You're afraid.
I threw the wrong person out of my house.
Amanda.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Hey, hey, come on back, Happy.
Come on, Hap.
All right, all right.
Enough of the drama, come on.
- Come on back.
- Bye, guys, see you tomorrow! All right, you were right, all right? I mean, well, you know, for the most part.
I mean, not all people are bad, they're just God damned annoying most of the time.
So come on.
Hap! Happy! Ah, shit.
I killed my kid's imaginary friend.
No "Nutcracker" for me this year.
Chicken and lamb combo.
Extra onions.
Need five minutes.
White sauce? Hot sauce? Give him both! It's Christmas! I'll have a blue Christmas Without you I'll be so blue Wait a minute.
- Just thinking about you - That song.
[WHISTLING "BLUE CHRISTMAS".]
Really into Christmas, ain't you? Happiest time of the year.
Oh good.
You two have met.
We can get right down to tomorrow night's business.
[SNIFFING.]
Yeah, no.
I don't think so.
I beg your pardon? I ain't working with Kris Kringle here.
I mean, as a general guideline, I prefer to work alone, but when an obvious total psychopath is involved no.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Don't be silly, Nick.
This is one of my best men.
You two are gonna get along like a pair of tits.
Non-negotiable.
Well, deck the halls with boughs of holy shit.
I knew that asshole looked familiar.
That means Blue.
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.]
He's been behind it the whole time.
Blue! Blue? Mikey? [SLAPPING NOISE.]
Shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
[THE GOODIES' "FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME".]
Father Christmas, do not touch As she stood beneath the mistletoe Father Christmas, do not Father Christmas, do not Father Christmas, do not
I'm trying to locate a man.
Looks like Santa Claus.
This password, it's actually why we're all here.
- And I'm the only one who - Knows the password.
- Which is why - You gotta get dead.
- [SLAMMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
- You guys are trying to kill me! - Oh, no, Sax.
We're gonna kill you.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- What do you want, Blue? - You know what I want, Meredith.
How is your ma? She been taking her medication? Don't worry.
I've got a whole new way into Nick Sax.
You have an enemy in your house.
This is the one who killed your three sons.
Three? There's four.
Mikey is not with them.
[DISTORTED VOICE.]
Your guy, Mr.
Ho Ho Ho.
He's under strict orders to stay with the children.
- Smoothie.
- The Bug is upset.
And I need you to do a scrub down.
This is it, Nick! The dark room! Don't worry.
Happy and my dad are coming.
They're going to save us.
How will he find us now? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[GRUNTS.]
What the hell are you doing here? - Working a case.
- This ain't a homicide! A favor for a friend! For Amanda.
Bullshit! She hates your guts.
She'd never come to you.
You're right.
She does hate my guts.
And for all the right reasons.
But she loves her daughter.
She loves Hailey.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Why didn't she come to me? She tried.
Let's go, Sax.
We can work the case.
Together.
Just like old times.
Well, well, well.
You had me right up to "old times.
" Let's try this again.
What's your angle? [GUN COCKING.]
[SIGHS.]
Merr, so predictable.
You gotta go see Blue, Nick.
He's really got you by the short and curlies, doesn't he? - [THWACKS.]
- [DINGS.]
Ow.
[SQUISHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Happy? Let's split.
[WHIMPERING.]
[CRYING.]
This was hers.
Hailey's.
Come on.
Let's go find her.
Why are you touching me? I've been waiting for you.
I'm not in the mood to What the fuck is that? Cherry vape.
I'm quitting the old nic sticks.
I was starting to get lines around my mouth.
Let's be real.
Hombre to hombre.
I get it.
You hate the show.
But I just came from the morgue, and this dead son story is heating up.
And bro, you are a big part of it.
I am talking recurring guest.
I am talking spin-off.
Just, uh, sign this release and you can leave all that mobster crap behind.
That crap? Cameras aren't rolling, dude.
Celebrities are the new mobsters.
They make twice as much, and nobody expects them to obey the law.
You know, you gotta give up this tired old idea of [SHATTERING.]
[GASPS.]
[PANICKED BREATHING.]
Why would I wanna leave all this behind? I love my work.
[GASPING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[THE RONETTES' "FROSTY THE SNOWMAN".]
Frosty the Snowman was a happy jolly soul With a corncob pipe and a button nose And two eyes made out of coal Frosty the Snowman is a fairy tale they say He was made of snow but the children know How he came to life one day There must have been some magic in That old silk hat they found For when they placed it on his head He began to dance around Merry McCarthy.
Frosty the Snowman This isn't where you're supposed to be.
Blue isn't going to be happy.
But the children say he could laugh and play Just the same as you and me Don't you know That curiosity Killed the cat? Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[ENGINE STOPPING.]
[CHATTERING.]
[BANGING.]
Come, Dancer.
Come.
Come on.
Come, Dasher! Yes! Come, Prancer! And Vixen! [CHUCKLES.]
On, Comet and Cupid! And Donner, and [CREEPY MUSIC.]
I know who's naughty and who's nice.
You are way too nice to go in there.
[SCREAMS.]
You wanna stay with me, don't you? With my other nice kids? You wanna? [SCREAMS.]
[DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
6538 Rose Drive.
6536 Rose Drive.
Oh, look! 6534, we're almost home! You're almost home.
I haven't seen Amanda in ten years.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
We've been to a place where girls slide up and down poles in their birthday suits, where a teddy bear plays with pee-pees, a restaurant that forgot to cook the fish, and a few other places I'm too shy to even talk about.
And you think this is a bad idea? Amanda and I didn't exactly leave on the best of terms.
Come on, Nick.
You're a super cop who knows the Big Apple better than anybody.
She's a super mom who knows Hailey better than anybody.
We can't lose! Push it.
Push the bell.
Come on.
Push it, Nick.
Push the bell! Give me a minute, will you? Wh What's the matter, Nick? I've seen this look before.
On Hailey's face right before riding the pirate ship at the carnival.
Are Are you Scared? God, I hate you.
Oh, you are.
Okay, you've kicked in the doors of the baddest baddies in the Big Apple.
Quit calling it the Big Apple.
You sound like a moron.
No one who lives in New York calls it the Big Apple.
I'm not from New York, Nick.
I'm from Zork, the capital of Cupcake Kingdom.
I'm gonna say it again.
I hate you.
Okay, Amanda is the kindest, happiest, most understanding, sweetest smelling lady - Fine.
- In the whole wide world.
Amanda [SHUSHES.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Don't worry, partner.
You'll see, she's going to be so happy to see you.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Hey, Amanda.
Any more bold predictions, Nostradamus? [EERIE MUSIC.]
Does it work? "Sit up straight.
" "Eat your vegetables.
" "Put down that smartphone or tablet.
" The common refrain of the typical American parent.
Does it sound familiar to you? No.
Of course it does.
But did you listen? No.
You didn't.
And now here we are.
Starting today, your little lives will change in ways you could never have imagined.
There will be moments when you will wonder what you have done to deserve these changes.
Now, I'm sure you all feel you've been good little boys and good little girls.
But until now, you have not known the meaning of true discipline.
Of true obedience.
Your parents were lax with you.
Lax and careless.
You have gotten away with murder.
Haven't you, my little contraceptive mishaps? It's a rhetorical question.
Yours is a generation without respect or responsibility.
An irrelevant, fidgety generation.
You've been medicated, but never taught how to properly behave.
In fact, I have never seen a room of young faces in such dire need of correction.
Perhaps that's why your careless parents have delivered you to me.
- [SLAMMING.]
- [SCREAMS.]
It's a really nice pillow.
And place.
I mean, this is some, uh, legit construction, here.
Old school.
Nice flooring and the oak trim.
I mean, uh It's not that Sheetrock, uh, plywood crap.
Bet it does a pretty decent job keeping the winter away, huh? - I'm not a homesteader, Nick.
- Yeah, no.
- It's a rental.
- Yeah.
I'm just saying that, uh, you've done good.
Without you.
[SIGHS.]
Words are hard to find.
Trying to understand what's yours, what's mine.
We find ourselves in this moment together.
This moment of time.
Knowing in our heart what needs to be said is, you know, really just in our eyes.
- You are unbelievable.
- What? - That's from our wedding song.
- I don't It's - I don't think so.
- Why are you here? Hailey.
Merry told you? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
From September.
- She doesn't look like me.
- She's yours.
It's not what I meant.
The eyes.
[GRUNTS.]
You being pregnant and not telling me, you know, I get it.
Hailey being born, leaving me out of it I guess I get that, too.
But goddamn it, Amanda.
When they took her, you go to Merry? That's right.
I did.
Looking for you.
Can you imagine how humiliating that was for me? - Uh - And where were you? Faded, probably? - Pills? - [GRUNTS.]
- Coke? - I Booze? Maybe all of the above? Or maybe just maybe Putting a bullet in some poor bastard for a little cash.
That's right.
I hear things.
Things that I didn't wanna believe.
But looking at you now [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
She's my daughter.
I've done everything I could in the last ten years to keep her from being your daughter.
[BRIAN ENO'S "AN ENDING (ASCENT)".]
And that's exactly how I want to keep it.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
It is my job to keep her safe.
And keeping her safe means keeping you out of our lives.
She's not safe! [INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
I mean, think about it, Nicky.
Look at the dumpster fire that your life has become and ask yourself how I could rely on you.
How anyone could rely on you.
- Just trying to protect - [INDISTINCT.]
Destroying lives and abandoning people? All you do is bring chaos and violence and destruction to everything you touch.
Well, that's a little bit of an exaggeration.
[SLAMMING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
[THE RONETTES' "SLEIGH RIDE".]
[GRUNTS.]
Just hear those sleigh bells jingling Ring-ting-ting-a-ling too Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Come on, it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you [GRUNTING.]
Outside, the snow is falling [GRUNTING.]
Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [SHATTERING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [GRUNTS.]
Our cheeks are nice and rosy And comfy and cozy are we Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding We're snuggled up together Like two birds of a feather would be Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding [SCREAMS.]
[SHOUTS.]
[SHATTERING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[SHOUTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Axe and you shall receive.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling a-ding-dong-ding Ring-a-ling-a-ling A-ding-dong-ding [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Ah, what the hell did I do that for? [GRUNTS.]
No! No! Nick! Nick! Not here, please! [GRUNTS.]
This is Hailey's special place! No! Not Hailey's blankie! [STRAINING.]
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
Oh, first place! Uh, I know this Puerto Rican fella in my building.
He can really do wonders with all the stains.
- Get out.
- Let me help, Amanda.
911.
What's your emergency? - Please let me help.
- Hello? Hello? - Please.
- Get out of our house.
If this is a non-emergency, please call the non-emergency number.
What is your location? - Is anyone there? - [PHONE BEEPS.]
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
How the hell did this happen? Oh, I remember a trampoline.
Mm.
Was there a slip and slide? Too much sun.
Too soon, too early, too much.
Mm, something's burning.
Someone broke our window.
I think I know who broke our window.
Oh, master detective.
I have a great idea.
Sleep, bloodies, do it all over again.
Mm.
Sleep, yes.
Bloodies Maybe.
You know we're gonna look back fondly on this On a complete blank.
You're gonna miss it when it's gone.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Eight voicemails? Overkill? You're here, aren't you? Maybe pick up the phone next time, save us all a little trouble.
I was indisposed.
Yeah.
We heard.
Bitches, I get that getting jerked around by Internal Affairs all morning is a part of my official job description, but can we please get to the fucking point? [WHISTLES.]
The language on this one.
You suck your captain's dick with that mouth? Exactly what do you think your job is, McCarthy? Working in partnership with the community to enforce the law, preserve Homicide.
You work homicide.
How's the Scaramucci investigation going, McCarthy? - It's ongoing.
- Ongoing? You know who fucking did it.
Nick Sax.
That's who you should be out looking for.
Instead, you seem to have demoted yourself to kiddie kidnapping.
Missing Persons.
Great band in the '80s.
Not your department.
Nothing to say for yourself? What are words for when no one listens anymore? McCarthy, this insubordinate routine can work really badly against you.
You remember what happened to Sax, right? Yeah.
I remember what you two did to him.
Oh come on, if ever there was an architect of his own spectacular demise, it was Nick Sax.
Dude was a walking downward spiral, and you know it.
Only a matter of time.
Guess when you look at it like that, what's a little planted evidence to help things along, right? You want us to get to the fucking point, so here it is.
This whole kidnapping angle, you want to steer wide clear of that.
Sometimes kids go missing.
It's a tragedy.
Sometimes we find them.
Sometimes we don't.
You understand, McCarthy? Sometimes they just stay missing.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
So this is a message from Blue.
Blue? Who's that? You know who she's talking about, Hubble? Hmm.
Without getting too graphic, how the hell do you bitches sleep at night? Not on our father's graves.
That is him on that wall, isn't it? Behind you? Wall of Heroes.
He was a good cop, McCarthy.
Anyway, that's what I hear.
Cut down in the line of duty.
Mm.
Makes you sick, doesn't it? He must've been so proud of you.
Yeah, I bet he was.
And I bet I know what he would tell you right now.
He would tell you to stay off of that wall.
Do what you have to do.
Do whatever you have to do.
But stay off that wall.
One by one.
Single file.
Mmm.
Delicious.
Oh, no.
No fattening up for you.
Go, sit.
Aren't you lucky? Some of us were born with refined sugar allergies.
No sprinkles or frosting on Christmas.
Just hives and running sores.
[DARK MUSIC.]
What's the matter? I'm not hungry.
Perhaps you once had a piece of cake that didn't agree with you.
[DOOR LOCKS.]
Go on, eat it.
It's good.
I don't think Happy and your dad are coming.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Try and lend a helping hand, the world wipes its ass with it.
She didn't want my help, nah.
It's half-off sushi Saturday at a very adequate strip joint not too far from here.
I can practically smell the spicy tuna.
I guess Amanda was pretty hard on you, but mommies can have bad days too.
Anybody can.
[SPITTING.]
What's the matter with you? What do you ah! You didn't tell me you shed.
Don't shed! I don't like animals that shed! [MUZAK "JINGLE BELLS".]
Look, I don't blame you for feeling sad, Nick.
If I were you, I'd want to just poof! Disappear! At least for a little while.
Why not forever? Wh-whenever I'm feeling down, I go back to basics, I think of ways to help Hailey.
That's why I became an imaginary friend after all! You know, the best way to forget about your own problems is to do something nice for someone else.
That's why Christmas is so awesome-sauce, Nick.
Everyone full of holiday spirit and goodwill toward their fellow man.
That holly, jolly time of year when people can pack up their troubles in an old doggy poop bag, and really be their truest self.
Their true self? Really? Is that what you think? Well, yeah.
Yeah, good luck with that.
I'm out of here.
Not so fast, Nick! I think someone forgot his Christmas spirit.
What have I told you? "By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
" That's right, and when I coined that phrase, - it changed my life.
- I think it was Benjamin God, what a year we've had, huh? So many ups and downs.
I've never been more in love.
No peeking.
Aww, you see, Nick? You see? The spirit of Christmas is everywhere! Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience.
All Queens-bound trains have been delayed indefinitely.
Oh, this city never disappoints.
Is a show about to start? Oh, yeah.
You just watch.
All it takes is a little inconvenience and then you start to see them.
See who? Truest selves.
Go on, Tinkerbell.
Take a look.
Little lap around.
See how much humanity you find when the A train ain't running on time.
Seriously! Come on.
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
What the hell do I pay taxes for? Oh, I forgot.
It's up to the ass kickers in this world to subsidize handouts for the deadbeats.
What area code's 602? Ugh, new client.
I didn't ask who it was, I asked what area code it is.
You stole it? Gee whiz, the old five finger discount.
Nick! Uh, what are you doing? Get off the tracks.
Mm.
Do you smell that? All the Christmas spirit in the air.
You could practically choke on it.
You scratch the surface, and there you have it: our true selves.
People hiding behind their bright, colorful wrappings of bullshit.
Hoping that it'll hide what they really are deep down inside underneath it all.
Empty boxes and broken toys.
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience.
The next Queens-bound train will be arriving in two minutes.
Uh, Nick, the train is coming.
Yep.
Yeah, so why don't you get off the tracks? Nope.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson, my little blue bastard.
Something you're never gonna forget.
I'm gonna lie down here on these tracks, and I'm gonna let that train run me right over, and I guarantee you not one SOB on that whole platform - will lift a finger to help me.
- Nick! No! [LAUGHS.]
Help! Help! Help! Mom! - Please! Someone help! - You drove me to this.
Your man whore can wait! Dump what's left of your career in a cardboard box.
- Merry Christmas! - Help! Help, please! Help! All right, Nick.
Get up, you win! - How's it looking up there? - Awful! You made your point! Not quite.
Not until I give these walls a new paint job.
But, Nick! What about Hailey? Hailey.
Hailey.
Don't you try and put this on me! You were the one with her when she was kidnapped! What have you done? I found you.
Yeah, well.
How's that working out for you? You're right, Nick.
This is your kind of world.
Not a world for soft things like me, like Hailey.
You've opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I never wanted to see.
But I won't watch you do this.
If you want me to go, fine.
I'll I'll disappear.
Music to my ears.
Bye-bye.
All right, then.
Goodbye, partner.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
[STRAINING.]
Oh, come on now, really? [STRAINING.]
God, I hate my heart.
This homeless dude's having a heart attack! Does anyone know CPR? Someone call 9-1-1! Okay, all right.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Get your hands off me, Jesus.
You really should be in the hospital.
Aw, shut up.
We saved him! It's a Christmas miracle! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
["JOY TO THE WORLD".]
Feel it.
- Isabella.
- Si.
What do you think we're doing? We're making Mikey's favorite meatballs and sauce, just like you said.
No.
You are a mother, calling for the soul of your son.
And how are you gonna get him back? Here! Here! Feel it! - Feel it! - Okay, okay.
Feel it! - Bene.
Isabella? - Mm-hmm? What's the most important ingredient in that sauce? - Oh, garlic.
- No.
A mother's soul.
A mother's love.
Only through a mother's love, the aroma of this flesh, can waft to the spirit world that will free Mikey of his purgatories.
That, and a few drops of my menstrual blood.
Oh, yeah.
Uh Um [ULULATING.]
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC.]
I just threw up in my mouth.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
[RADIO CHATTER.]
You told him.
When I found Sax, he was already looking for her.
We missed Hailey by minutes.
He was there? With you? Amanda, you're gonna have to lay low for a while.
Excuse me? This thing, it's bigger than I thought.
I'm not sure how deep it goes, but there are powerful people involved.
People who will not think twice about making you disappear.
Disappear? Without Hailey, there is nothing left of me to disappear.
It is what it is.
I've already overstepped by involving you.
So you're asking me to do what, exactly? Sit here quietly, waiting for a knock on what's left of my front door telling me she's dead? I know it's not easy, but seven other sets of parents are doing that exact same thing.
Please let me handle it.
You're not handling anything.
You're afraid.
I threw the wrong person out of my house.
Amanda.
[RADIO CHATTER.]
[SOLEMN MUSIC.]
Hey, hey, come on back, Happy.
Come on, Hap.
All right, all right.
Enough of the drama, come on.
- Come on back.
- Bye, guys, see you tomorrow! All right, you were right, all right? I mean, well, you know, for the most part.
I mean, not all people are bad, they're just God damned annoying most of the time.
So come on.
Hap! Happy! Ah, shit.
I killed my kid's imaginary friend.
No "Nutcracker" for me this year.
Chicken and lamb combo.
Extra onions.
Need five minutes.
White sauce? Hot sauce? Give him both! It's Christmas! I'll have a blue Christmas Without you I'll be so blue Wait a minute.
- Just thinking about you - That song.
[WHISTLING "BLUE CHRISTMAS".]
Really into Christmas, ain't you? Happiest time of the year.
Oh good.
You two have met.
We can get right down to tomorrow night's business.
[SNIFFING.]
Yeah, no.
I don't think so.
I beg your pardon? I ain't working with Kris Kringle here.
I mean, as a general guideline, I prefer to work alone, but when an obvious total psychopath is involved no.
[DARK MUSIC.]
Don't be silly, Nick.
This is one of my best men.
You two are gonna get along like a pair of tits.
Non-negotiable.
Well, deck the halls with boughs of holy shit.
I knew that asshole looked familiar.
That means Blue.
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS.]
He's been behind it the whole time.
Blue! Blue? Mikey? [SLAPPING NOISE.]
Shit's just getting weirder and weirder.
[THE GOODIES' "FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME".]
Father Christmas, do not touch As she stood beneath the mistletoe Father Christmas, do not Father Christmas, do not Father Christmas, do not