Happy Endings s01e05 Episode Script

Look at our little Dave Rose making friends.
Five bucks he's telling her about the time he ran across Michigan Ave.
to save that puppy.
No way.
He's telling the story from high school where he picked up that fumble and ran it back for a touchdown.
And boom! Football.
There it is.
Pay up, player.
Hold up.
That's a puppy dog.
Oh! Let's hope it was a football or else we have not heard the complete story about the puppy.
Whoa.
That girl's super into you, man.
l know.
She even liked my re-enactment of the first scene of Temple of Doom.
Ah, of course.
It's the go-to movie.
Oh, hey, uh, guys, this is Andrea.
Actually, it's Andrea.
Andrea.
Andrea.
Andrea.
Andrea.
Okay.
ha, ha.
Well, l am Max.
This is Brad.
Of course, you know Dave.
Ha, ha.
Your friends are so funny.
- l'm gonna grab my purse.
- Okay.
Don't go anywhere.
Boop.
Ha, ha.
l mean, she's totally lame, but super hot, right? You should totally boop that.
l'm not ready for a relationship.
Nicholas Sparks, no one's talking about a relationship.
Talking about taking Frankie Fedora home, doing weird stuff and never calling her again.
- l'm back! - Oh.
And you are a gosh darn delight.
Dave, let's get out of here.
Um.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, boop! l do not understand people that feel the need to express themselves through touching.
l know, right? All right, l'm out.
Ah! Stop! You can't touch this.
You can't touch this.
Oh.
Oh.
All right, l'll see you, buddy.
What the hell? Give me that.
What? l could use extra cash for the store and decided a roommate might be a good idea.
Are you trying to get sold into white slavery? Jane, it's a cute picture.
Oh, my God, is that side boob? Oh, my God-- No, no, no.
It's just leaves.
Whatever.
l'll find someone cool and fun, and it'll be okay.
Honey, this is a big decision, okay? And you have a terrible habit of always seeing the good in people.
l'm not sure that's a bad habit.
What l'm trying to say is you're not the bestjudge of character.
That's crazy.
Oh, babe, this is Zane.
He just moved into the building.
He's introducing himself to all the neighbors.
Ha, ha.
Legally, l have to.
Would you like me to help you find a roommate? Jane, l can handle this.
l could make one-- Jane! Okay.
Dude.
Stop him.
Stop.
Dude! No football.
Okay, come on, Max.
Let's go to the farmer's market.
There's a trunk show at Chew La La and then we can brunch it up.
You know what sounds more fun? Being in wet clothes and watching Schindler's List.
You're the worst gay husband ever.
l don't see no ring on this finger.
What's Jane doing? It's the weekend.
She's relaxing.
Just a pitch.
Wouldn't it be easier to find these stackables ifthey were in the shelving section? l know what you're thinking.
ls this woman questioning the organization of a store whose sole purpose is to help people organize? Ha, ha.
Yes.
Fine.
Stupid football.
Whoo! Raise your hand ifyou got laid last night.
Really? Yeah.
Jane gets horny when we use our pizza stone.
l slept with my allergist.
Confused college student.
Ugh, l'm not gonna lie.
You guys are kind of stealing my thunder.
No, Dave.
Good for you.
Are you gonna see her again? l don't know.
She wore a fedora in bed.
Ew.
Ew.
l probably should call her.
No.
That is breaking the first rule of one night stands.
l don't wanna be a bad guy.
So l'm just gonna give her a call.
- Don't do that.
- l wouldn't call her.
She's gonna flip out.
Oh, hey.
Andrea.
There it is.
Andrea.
Sorry.
l was just calling to say thank you for last night, it Breakfast? No.
Um, okay, sure.
Yeah, l can be there in 15 minutes.
No.
Guys, relax.
It's just an hour.
l'll be back.
We'll be watching football and drinking heavily.
Whoa! Dave, where have you been? Guys, it's all a blur.
We went to eat crepes which led to a walk by the lake.
After that, we went to her apartment to feed her bird.
That's right, guys.
She's got a bird.
Then we watched all of her dance videos from high school through college because she's auditioning for Keisha's world tour.
- It's Kesha.
- It's Kesha.
Then we went to the Field Museum, where she convinced me to buy a joint membership for two years because you get free parking.
Damn, Dave.
You are stuck in ''chicksand.
'' What is that? It's, uh It's quicksand except l replaced the ''quick'' with ''chick.
'' Come on, man.
You're better than that.
Guys, what am l gonna do? lfyou don't wanna see her again, you tell her.
Be an adult and have the conversation.
No! Yeah, right.
No.
Conversation sucks.
No.
You're right.
l am an adult and l'm gonna handle this like an adult.
l'm gonna take a shower and march myself down there We're gonna have a conversation.
l see how you got from ''quicksand'' to ''chick sand.
'' You're an idiot.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
l love veal.
Guys, hey.
This is Samantha.
She might be my new roommate.
Hey! Hi.
We'll be in touch.
Yes.
Okay, great.
Bye.
Bye.
Doesn't she seem great? Her hair is amazing.
Yeah.
Does her hair have a social security number you can run a credit check on? How about her references? How much money does she make? What do you know about her? She likes vampire books.
And Beyonce.
l have a 13-year-old cousin in Tallahassee that's thinking about running away.
Maybe he'd make a good roommate for you.
Okay.
We're gonna have to hang out with whoever you choose.
So why don't you pick someone fun? Like a fighter pilot.
Or Scottie Pippen.
Oh, you know who you should get is a real gay guy.
- Whoa.
- Come on.
You're a straight dude who likes dudes.
l want a gay who will watch house flipping shows with me and grab my boobs in a platonic way.
You want a stereotypically flamboyant, cartoonish Sex in the City gay? That's offensive.
The heart wants what the heart wants.
You only ever lived with Dave and me.
A lot goes into making this decision.
l guess l didn't totally think of all that.
But l did.
And judging people comes so easy for me.
Which is why you should let me help you.
Okay, fine.
You can help.
But you're not gonna come in and take over everything and get all Jane on me, are you? Of course not.
l've got some great roommate choices.
Like Becca.
She's a marine biologist and notary public which means she can teach you about plankton and also witness the signing of important documents.
Sounds like such fun.
But l can't do this right now, Jane.
Okay, okay.
How about Jessica.
l mean, she's an agoraphobic and a vegan, which means she will never leave her room or eat your cheese.
You love your cheese-- What do you guys think ofthis dress? And no one cares.
Yo, Penny.
Girl, that dress looks delish.
What? Things that make you go hm.
Ha, ha.
Hi.
Max, who is this fine man? Penny, l'd like you to meet Derek.
We played on a gay softball team last year.
Thought you might get along.
P.
S.
, four balls isn'tjust a walk, it's a party.
What? Drama! Aah! Can l touch your tatas? Get in there.
Ah! l feel like l've known you so long.
Ah! Oh, my God.
l already miss you.
Are we in a fight? No.
l'm gonna get you accessories.
Get out of here.
See you soon.
Gay enough for you, Pen? Slut! Come help me out ofthis split.
He's the gay of my dreams.
ls Dave still meeting us? l don't know.
l haven't seen him since he went to have that conversation with Andrea two days ago.
Oh.
What is he wearing on his head? Bye, Mumu.
Au revoir, doodlebug.
Ha, ha.
Guys, l'm in serious trouble.
Oh, what happened, Mumu? l went to have the conversation, but before l could say anything, she launched into this whole thing about how great it is to finally meet a good guy.
And about how her last boyfriend stole from her dad and had sex with her cousins.
So l couldn't do it.
You're missing the point.
She's got a rich dad and slutty cousins.
Told you, bro.
Conversation's hard.
Guys, l've been out ofthe game too long.
What do l do? First, stop calling it the game.
You should go with the peter out.
Ooh, l love the peter out.
Stop calling her regularly.
Change your plans at the last second.
Never go out with her on a weekend night.
ln a couple of days, things will just peter out.
No conversation.
When's the next time you're seeing her? Saturday night.
Perfect.
Text her.
Change it to Wednesday.
The least sexy night ofthe week.
l was surprised you decided to switch plans to tonight.
l didn't know we were quite there yet.
My Saturdays are getting kind of booked, but wait.
Where yet? Happy birthday! It's your birthday.
Everybody, everybody.
This is Dave.
Hi, Dave! Dave, this is my grandma Nellie.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Boop! l'm gonna get a Scotch.
You want a Scotch? Oh, you're so cute.
Jane, what are you doing here? You never got back to me on who you liked, so l picked the 10 best roommate candidates and invited them over for an open house.
What, when? Right now.
Right now? Yep.
l'm gonna finish getting ready.
You should shower, change.
Wear whatever you like.
But l laid out a really cute suggestion on your bed.
So wear that.
It was her birthday? Yeah.
Apparently she told me while we were having sex the other night.
l thought she was telling me to do her like it was her birthday next Wednesday.
You're in serious chicksand.
Not a word.
l'm making it one.
Can'tjust make words.
l submitted it to the dictionary.
You hear back? Almost.
You almost heard back? l need a little help here, please.
You're fine.
l mean, you didn't go home with her, did you? No, dude.
Birthday sex? The petering out is not working.
And apparently, l petered in.
Two and a halftimes.
What's the half? l don't know.
She said it was like a French thing.
Don't panic.
Just gotta crank it up a notch.
Make this chick realize you are not boyfriend material.
Dude, l am awesome boyfriend material, okay? l like long walks.
l like puddles.
Jumping in and jumping out.
l like listening to really long stories about who sat next to who at yoga.
- l'm in trouble.
- You're not in trouble.
Do what l say.
By the end of one horrible date, she'll break up.
You just gotta show her that you're unreliable and cheap and weird.
Wait, dude.
That sounds like the plot of a Dane Cook movie.
No.
But it should be.
It is that awesome.
Ha, ha.
l know.
l know.
l'm so late.
See, l don't own a watch because what is time anyway but a man-made shackle? That is almost literally my high school yearbook quote verbatim.
l hate rushing places.
Ha, ha.
So amazing.
Ha, ha.
Come on.
Al, this is Chelsea.
She's from New Jersey.
She works in finance, and she's a volunteer for NPR.
You're from New Jersey? That is totally the best Real Housewives.
l am legitimately worried about Danielle.
Oh, l don't own a TV.
What do you do at night? l journal.
All night? All these girls look like Jane.
Yeah.
It's like they took the roof off a Tory Burch store and emptied it into this apartment.
What's Tory Burch? She's a designer.
It's kind of preppy, boho chic meets up-- Are you sure you're gay? Are you sure you're not gay? Hey, sluts.
Sluts.
Derek and l just came from three separate farmer's markets.
Announcement.
Heirloom tomatoes are the new beets.
What? D-R-A-M-A.
Drama.
Ha, ha.
Drama.
Right there.
For veggies.
Do l know that guy? Oh, that's my new BFF, Derek .
Penny Arcade.
Come here and help me mock this couch.
lsn't he amazing? l'm very happy for you, Kathy Griffin.
Who's Kathy Griffin? Okay, so you're not gay.
Yeah, l don't have any cash.
And the bankjust called, a.
k.
a.
my parents.
And apparently l maxed out my credit card breeding boa constrictors.
So-- Okay, stop right there.
l love that you can admit that.
l'm happy to pay.
Okay.
Of course you'd wanna do that.
That's great.
Okay, so l have the best story.
This is insanity.
We're at Ungo having brunch-- Oh, my God.
Snore.
Cheesecake, have you ever told a story? l'll take it from here.
Cut to: Cute waiter walks up.
And Little Miss Push-up Bra is so eager to flirt.
Ha-ha! Basically, l said to him-- That she spits up her scrambled eggs on his pants.
What? l'm like, ''Say it, don't spray it, you stupid, clumsy bitch.
'' Ha, ha, ha.
You're such a clumsy bitch.
You are a clumsy bitch.
Oh, my God.
You're right, Pen.
He is amazing.
Yeah, yeah.
He's hilarious.
Al, this is Trish.
She summitted Mt.
Kilimanjaro last year.
They call it Kili, right? Ha, ha.
And she makes hammocks.
So you guys have a lot in common.
l'm sorry, Trish.
You seem great.
Really.
But l've already found a roommate.
Oh! Okay.
Eek.
Sorry.
Thank you, Jane.
So? Who did we choose? My first choice.
Samantha with the red hair? l don't understand.
l introduced you to ten other girls who would make better roommates.
Yeah, for you, okay? But l want someone cool.
l don't care ifthey look ''good on paper'' or have ''great references.
'' Or climb ''Mt.
Kilimanjuju.
'' Why are you putting everything in air quotes? Because that's who l am, and l'm sorry if l don't want to live with any ofthese boring, lame girls.
Oh.
Drama! Bro, nothing is working.
l think this crazy chick is falling in love with me.
l do not wanna crush her.
Being that l have recently been crushed.
It is not fun.
What do l do? This is what you do.
Before she gets back from the bathroom, get down on your knees and pray to God that the restaurant explodes.
Act of God? Really, man? That's the best you've got? Aah! Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! l got the job! l'm gonna be a backup dancer for Kesha's European tour! l leave Thursday! Oh, my God! Dude, the restaurantjust exploded.
Ah.
Oh, God.
What's gonna happen to us? Oh, you can't think about us.
No, no.
You just gotta do you, you know? You can't separate the dancer from the dance.
Oh, my God.
You are amazing, Mumu.
After you, doodlebug.
This has been the best date l ever-- Aah! Oh, ah, Andrea? Are you okay? Andrea.
Andrea, are you okay? She got hit by a bike messenger? Of course she did.
Shut up.
l got hit by a cop on a Segway last Halloween.
Ugh.
l was wearing nothing but dolphin shorts and a feather green boa.
l tried to steal his hat.
Cut to: Weekend in Cabo.
Then he went back to his ''dumb wife'' because l'm fat.
Who are you again? Oh, that's D-Rock.
You love him.
Come here.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Let me know ifthere's anything l can do to help, like maybe l could call her.
Penny Loafer, please.
This is not about you, okay? Dave, what you need, right, are new pants a couple of shake weights and a night out at a Russian foam club with me, okay? Yeah, he literally needs none ofthose things.
Right, and there and off.
Dude, look at the bright side.
You're out.
She's going to Europe on Thursday, right? No.
She's not.
You can't dance with a broken femur.
Debatable.
Because she's gonna be in a cast for the next eight weeks and because she lives in a 6-story walkup and l feel so bad about what happened that She's moving in, isn't she? Yeah.
Drama! l'm so glad that we're roommates.
l guarantee you none of Jane's nerdy choices would've ever gotten me this awesome Michael Stars tank top.
You look hot.
Hey, do you mind if l get another DSL line installed and maybe black out a couple ofthese windows? Sure.
l guess.
Oh.
Hi, Jane.
lfyou're wondering how my new roommate is, she's awesome.
l just called to say that l'm glad it all worked out for you and l really like that tank top on you.
Thanks, Samantha-- Wait.
How do you know what l'm wearing? Your awesome Samantha makes a living by moving in with cute girls, setting up web cams and charging people to watch.
Oh, my God.
That's why she wanted to eat popsicles and have a cream cheese fight yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
That's a popular one.
Wait.
How did you find this? - Oh, my God.
- l know.
Wait.
How did you find this? Uh, just a pop-up on another thing l was looking at.
What other thing? Uh, a cooking Blog.
Sports.
This is so crazy.
l mean, l thought Samantha was a cool girl, you know.
ls there any way that this is a mistake? Hey, great, your sister's here.
Do you guys wanna have a pillow fight or shave your legs together? Do you want me to handle this? No.
l think we should do this together.
Oh! Go, Alex.
Cute T tops.
So this just popped up on the computer? Why do people keep asking me that? l don't control the lnternet, all right? Hey, Dave.
How's it going? It's going great, Pen.
l've got a crazy girl and a douche bird living in my room thanks to these two idiots.
You guys got any more advice for me? Nothing.
You got a serious girlfriend now.
You drowned, bro.
ln chicksand.
l like it, and l'm taking credit for it.
Derek wants to go to another brunch.
It's like how many egg-white frittatas can a person eat? Six in one sitting.
But l thought you loved D-Rock.
l do.
No, you know what, l don't.
Okay, l thought that l wanted this offensively stereotypical gay guy, but it's too much.
l feel like it messes with the group dynamic.
It does, Pen.
Because our group already has an offensively stereotypical gay guy.
Front-row tickets to Gaga, bitches! My disgustingly fat manicurist is, like, literally trying to kill me.
Hey, bitches.
Whoo! Look who's working the puppies today.
You don't need a gay husband.
Because you're my gay husband.
Aw.
l don't really understand how that works.
But it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You're welcome.
l gotta break up with him.
Move your plans to Wednesday.
Peter out.
Least sexual night ofthe-- Hey.
Derek.
It's me.
Listen, l don't think we should be friends anymore.
l understand, but it's for the best.
- Goodbye.
- Wow.
The conversation really works.
Yeah, Dave, it does.
You know what? This ends today.
Drama! Hi.
Andrea.
Andrea.
That's what l Never mind.
Listen, um, we need to have a conversation.
What's up? Hi, mom.
What? Oh, my God.
No! Mema Nellie was such a kind soul.
She always carried butterscotch candies around for the grandkids.
l know.
l know you can do this.
No, you can, you can do it.
Okay.
Uh l remember one day when l was a little girl in my favorite polka dot dress.
You know what, l can't do this.
Andrea, l'm sorry, but one minute you're booping me on the nose, and the next thing l know, l'm giving the eulogy at your grandma's funeral.
l'm sorry for your loss, by the way.
l don't know.
l tried to peter it out, and then there was this whole Dane Cook thing, but every time l tried to get away, you'd just pull me back in.
Are you kidding? l pulled you in? All l wanted was a fun hookup.
But then you called me 20 minutes after you left my place.
And yesterday, you basically asked me to move in after a week and a half.
l don't think this is the place to talk about this kind ofthing.
l went along with it because l didn't wanna have the conversation.
The conversation sucks.
It blows.
Listen, Dave.
You're a really nice guy, okay? But l think we should see other people.
Okay, well.
l'm out of here.
Sorry.
Don't apologize.
Chicksand.
Yeah.
Boop.
Hopefully this is the last ofthem.
Why would she put a camera on the bottom shelf ofthe fridge anyway? l don't know.
Peeps are into some weird stuff.
Plus, you tend to show cleave when you reach for the crisper.
Oh, gross.
l made, like, three stir frys last week.
Man, when your gut's wrong, it's really wrong.
At least it all worked out.
l wouldn't go so far.
Eight thousand dollars? Turns out last week when l was on smokinghotroomies.
com, l got the most hits ever.
Wow.
That's real money Mm-hm.
Okay.
Put this thing back in the fridge.
Take your bra off, and let's make a salad.
What?