Hard Cell (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - [Dean.]
Wahey! - [Laura.]
Fuck off! So, Pat, before we show you to your cell, we should probably settle on a nickname.
Very important in here.
We do have a lot of Pats already.
We've got a Pat Pat, a Fat Pat, a Black Pat and a White Pat.
So, off the top of my head, you could opt for Fat Black Pat or Black Fat Pat.
What you feeling most? You might wanna think about it the way people choose a name for a pet.
You know, what's it gonna sound like when you call it across the park? Or, in your case, the canteen.
So, "Fat Black Pat!" Or, "Black Fat Pat!" I mean, I'm leaning towards Patricia.
Interesting.
Pa-tri-cia.
Date's come through for my TED Talk.
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: How Women in Prison Thrive Through Music and Song.
" Ain't no one ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ [Laura.]
That is my idea and apparently it is an idea worth spreading.
And on July 22nd, I shall be spreading it liberally all over the Birmingham Exhibition Centre.
Exciting.
I've gotta cut it down a little bit.
It's currently running at just over an hour and a half.
My allotted time is 25 minutes, which is a shame, but them the rules.
Laura, can I just say, you're amazing.
The way your mind works.
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," it works on so many different levels.
"Birds" also means women, "caged birds," women in prison, and, of course, "sings" as in sings.
I could cry at your brilliance.
Why can't you be supportive? - I am.
I'm your number two.
- Mmm.
Yeah, and as much as I hate the idea of having a number two, I'd prefer it was a pleasant experience rather than an uphill struggle.
No one wants a number two that's been an uphill struggle.
- Exactly.
- I'm sorry.
You're right.
You deserve a decent number two.
Thank you.
It's the last time I'm getting you one of these.
- Unless you want me to puke in it.
- What? I can't stand the smell of coffee no more.
Oh.
All right.
Well, I'll drink it really quickly.
No, it's too hot.
She'll drink it really quickly when it cools down.
- My God.
You two are as bad as each other.
- [Laura.]
He's worse than I am.
[chattering.]
Ah! [laughs.]
Didn't fucking know I was there, did you? Did you know I was there? 'Cause I crawled under there.
I was crawling on me knees.
Did you get that on your camera? I got a I got a camera on my phone.
I got a camera on my phone, but they take it off youse when you come in.
Like, did they take Do you got Have you got a mobile phone? Did they take it off youse? They take it off you when you come in.
Because if they've not, and you've got your mobile phone on you, you'd get it robbed in here.
Have you got your mobile phone on you? 'Cause I'd rob you.
If I knew where your phone is, I'd rob you.
Know what I'm saying? 'Cause you know why? 'Cause we're all thieves.
You fucking sucker.
I'm only fucking joking.
I'll give it back to youse 'cause you're I'm just saying, you're fucking You know, come on.
[chattering.]
I need to get out of this place.
If I don't, there is a real chance I could die in here.
I strive to look for the good in people.
I honestly do.
But it is getting harder.
[thick Welsh accent.]
Oh, Ange, you poor thing! I don't know what to say, what a mess.
It can be hard in here at times.
I mean, just when I thought I'd found a way around prison life, I get my face smashed into a wall for nothing.
Never said anything.
I didn't do anything.
We all didn't do anything, love.
[chattering stops.]
I have it on good authority Anastasia misunderstood the situation.
I'm here to apologize.
Sorry.
First rule of Fight Club: Don't talk about Fight Club.
Second rule of Fight Club: If you smash someone's head against the wall, and it's not their fault, say sorry.
Third rule of Fight Club: Bring biscuits.
Are we good? [exhales deeply.]
- [chattering resumes.]
- [sighs.]
[mouthing words.]
What's good today then? Any recommendations? I brought my own.
Smart choice from a smart lady.
What's the filling du jour? Cheese.
Spectaculoso! Right.
I ain't got time to gab with you all day, missus.
Okay.
Catch you later.
Okay.
She don't like you, mate.
She don't like you.
- You joker.
[laughs.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ba-ba-da-da, Ba-ba-da-da ♪ You ladies not eating? - No appetite today.
- Yeah.
That would be right.
Will I take that muffin off your hands? Let's just focus on our task.
Oh, yeah.
What, your jigsaw thing? - Impossipuzzle.
- Impossipuzzle.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, it'd be nice to get that finished before You know.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So are those sausages - Help yourself.
Cal is being released.
It's not good for optics that someone who was charged with a relatively minor offense is still locked up nearly three years later.
I had to spring it on her so she couldn't get up to her old tricks.
Cal, you were only supposed to serve three months.
You've strung it out for a long, long time.
'Cause I met Sal.
And I'll be honest, if I met the love of my late-onset-lesbian-life in prison doing ten years, I'd probably do the same thing.
But we've come to the end of the line.
I can't turn a blind eye any longer.
It won't work anymore.
Intimidating behavior.
Taking the guards hostage.
Defecating on the parole officer's desk? I'm afraid not.
- When? - Tomorrow.
I've got a new business.
- What's your new business? - I'm making lots of dough.
- Got it wrong again, haven't I? - I will miss you.
[Ros belches.]
I feel sick.
[sighs.]
I look really fat.
I'm like a hamster.
I'm gonna keep it there.
How long can I keep the sausage in me mouth? I do feel bad for those two.
It's really sad.
It is.
It's really sad.
Things are going great for me though.
Sebastian couldn't be more in love with me.
Which means there's nothing he wouldn't do for me.
Which means he put shitloads of money into the joint account.
Which I transferred over to my mammy.
Which is fantastic.
It came as a shock to him though.
It was a shock, Rosalind, when I saw that our bank account was empty.
It was a shock to my eyes.
A shock to my heart.
It was a shock.
I know, Sebastian.
I know.
What were you thinking? To drain our bank account of funds? - It was a - Shock.
And I'm sorry.
I got carried away.
But I found us the perfect camper van and I just wanted to buy it for us.
Surprise! Or rather, shock! For one terrible moment, it occurred to me that you had drained our bank account of funds for your own personal use.
That your love for me was a show.
And that you saw me as nothing more than a meal ticket.
That's silly.
Silly Sebastian.
It was the devil at work.
Corrupting my faith, making me doubt.
How could I think such a thing of my Rosalind? My wonderful, innocent, soon-to-look-like-this Rosalind.
[whispers.]
Oh.
Ooh ♪ Singing songs from the inside Songs from the inside ♪ Singing songs, songs, songs Singing songs from the inside ♪ [Cheryl.]
All right, stop.
What's going on? - It's just a bit shit, innit? - [Cheryl.]
All right.
What's the point of this anyway? We ain't getting any better.
- People don't even know their lines.
- Shut up.
You can't even dance, you whale.
- I was sidestepping, so that's a lie.
- Sidestepping? [Cheryl.]
Guys, let's put this energy to good use.
Everyone, get in your places for the fight scene.
That sounds like a plan.
Uh, Heather, now that Big Viv's gone, who is it that I'm stepping in to fight? Step, step.
Good point, well made.
For fuck's sake.
Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm missing Big Viv.
I mean, she was terrifying, but at least she had stage presence.
I'm excited, I'm excited, I'm excited ♪ I'm excited, I'm excited ♪ Don't fucking fuck with the melody, hen.
But she's now stuck in solitary, and I'm beginning to regret this.
["EastEnders" theme music playing.]
I mean, she is superb.
Oh, ho! [snaps fingers.]
You nailed it, Cheryl.
- [inmate 1 laughs.]
- [inmate 2.]
No.
[chattering.]
We've only got a few pieces to go.
I can't believe we're here.
We're nearly finished! Shut up! - [cheering.]
- Go on! You've got this.
Look at you guys.
[inmates.]
Oh! Let's do the final piece together.
- [inmates.]
Aw! - [Sal.]
Have you got it? - No.
- [Sal.]
Pulling my leg? No, I haven't got it.
Oh, come on, you pair of jokers.
Put the last piece in.
No, honestly, I don't have it.
Neither do I.
- Oh, no! - It'll be here somewhere.
It was a brand-new jigsaw.
It was sealed.
Oh, Cal.
Oh, someone must have taken it.
Some [sighs.]
Where is it? - I haven't got it.
- Come on.
Stop your messing.
- Just give us the last piece.
- I haven't got it.
Listen, these ladies have worked their asses off, and no one's laughing at your stupid little prank.
- I haven't got it, you fucking moron.
- Oh, fuck off! [inmates shouting.]
- [Sal.]
Stop it! - [Gary.]
Guys.
[inmate.]
Come on! Girls, come on! Stop it! Has it ever occurred to you that the rest of the world might not be against you? Why do you have to make it so hard? We're all in here making the best of it, supporting each other.
But you've just caused nothing but upset and negativity.
Today is Cal's last day.
There's no way I'm gonna let you ruin it.
Now give us back our jigsaw piece, you dreadful little cunt.
Ooh.
[chattering resumes.]
[Anastasia.]
People don't like me.
I don't care.
I'm used to it.
It's not like I'm missing much.
They always let you down anyway.
No, I'd rather be on my own.
Prefer it that way.
Be an asshole to them before they're an asshole to you.
I mean, how do you even make friends anyway? How would you do that? Uh Ooh ♪ - [beatboxing.]
- [inmates cheering, rapping.]
Stay with the herd, boo.
- I'm going for a piss.
- Oh.
Don't mind me.
[chuckles.]
- Don't mind me.
- Heather Trott! I know you got some celebrating to do.
I'm just gonna leave this here.
Uh, it's not too late to join us in the show, Songs From The Inside.
- Whoo! - Not as many songs as it was before.
So yeah, put your name down someone, anyone, please.
It's gonna be a laugh, innit, eh? Eh? Eh? Maybe.
[sighs.]
Anyway What with Cal leaving, I can feel my panic rising.
I don't think anyone realizes the scale of what we're trying to do here, and it's all on my shoulders.
She's losing her shit ♪ [laughter.]
Oh! Ooh! Uh, after you.
[chuckles.]
What are we doing now? We're dancing, are we? Hey, there she goes.
See you later.
What a fantastic group of women we are.
Absolutely.
We're not afraid to be heard.
- No, we're not.
- [Cal.]
We're not afraid to make mistakes, because God knows we wouldn't be in here if we were.
[laughter.]
And we're not afraid to change.
I can honestly say I've had the time of my life in here.
- [inmates.]
Aw! - [Sian.]
We'll miss you, Cal.
So thank you.
All of you.
Especially you.
- [inmates.]
Aw! - [No Hat Cathy.]
We'll miss you, Cal.
[singing in Welsh.]
[all cheering, clapping.]
[inmate laughs.]
Hey.
[all cheering.]
I'm sorry to leave before the show, but do us all proud.
Songs From The Inside.
- [inmate 1.]
Yeah! - [inmate 2.]
Songs From The Inside! [laughter.]
All right.
Let's keep it pre-watershed, boos.
[Sian whispers indistinctly.]
- I don't want to say goodbye.
- Then don't, 'cause it's not.
It's time, ladies.
["You" playing.]
I've got a new business.
What's your new business? I'm a baker.
How's business? I'm making lots of dough.
I got a ♪ Yes! - [pounding on windows.]
- [inmates cheering.]
Trying to let it all run out ♪ [inmate 1.]
We love you! - [inmate 2.]
Whoo! - [inmate 1.]
We love you! But this river won't run dry ♪ - Are you drinking coffee again? - Oh, it is decaf.
Doesn't matter.
It still smells of coffee.
You're like a bloodhound.
It is very hot.
[grunts.]
Oh, God.
[gasping.]
All gone.
[sighs.]
Satisfied? Mmm.
How is da baba? What? How's da baba? Da baba in da tum-tum? Again, what? I'm thinking "baba" means baby, and correct me if I'm wrong, Laura "baba in da tum-tum" means "baby in the tummy.
" So, if my Spidey-Sense is on point, I believe the question you're being asked is, "How is your unborn child?" - Mmm.
- She's booting me.
Just like her dad.
Bloody hell.
She's gone mental.
Feel that.
Not sure that's appropriate in the workplace.
- Oh, let me have a go.
- Even less appropriate.
[both.]
Baba kicking da mum-mum in da tum-tum.
I mean, that was weird.
["Hooked" playing.]
Oh, my God! Oh! Look at this! What? [Cheryl.]
The scenery's arrived from another musical, which is set in New York.
Unlike ours, which is set in Kent.
But it was too late to change it.
Come on.
Chin up, Cheryl.
Musicals about gang violence work in any setting.
It's a notoriously adaptable genre.
[Cheryl.]
It's set in Kent, Martin.
Yes.
And the revolving Manhattan skyline will only be a bonus.
I don't want to spook anyone, but I think this could all go to shit.
- We've got fire hydrants.
- Please stop.
- [Ros.]
Look at that.
- This is so cool! - Oh, my God.
Look at all this stuff.
- [Charlee.]
This is amazing.
- Umbrellas.
- [Sal.]
Oh, my goodness.
[Ros.]
I found my knife.
- Look at that.
[gasps.]
- [inmate.]
Oh! Bloody hell! Look at that.
Look at that.
Look at that.
That doesn't even hurt.
- Look.
That didn't hurt me.
- Oh, you're having that, are you? [all chattering.]
I'll wear the hat.
I'm wearing a hat.
I'll wear that.
Umbrella.
Is it raining outside? Welcome to the Big Apple, ladies.
Windows are practical.
Oh! - [inmates laughing, chattering.]
- All right.
All right.
Keep it down, you lot, or I'll turn one of them fire hydrants on you.
Right, ladies.
The scenery is pretty impressive.
It makes no sense, but at least it'll be something to look at.
Anastasia's jumped right in.
- [Ros cheers.]
- Fuck off.
Can she dance? Can she sing? Doesn't matter.
We're on in four days.
Only joking.
It's gonna be great.
Cal's gone too, which leaves Sal's vocal weakness very much exposed.
But hey, we've got fire hydrants! Yeah.
So it's gonna be a good show.
And Ange, yeah? She's now doing props, which I doubt will make a difference one way or another.
Anyway, let's start with the intro.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Sorry.
Could somebody actually please give me a hand? - Come down, will you! Jump! - [inmates laughing.]
I have it on good authority that the case against me is collapsing.
I don't want to speak too soon, but it feels like my prayers have been answered.
And Big Viv apologized.
It's a good day.
It's like I always say, never underestimate how good people can be mostly.
Ooh ♪ - [thuds.]
- I wasn't asleep! Hello.
- Songs from the inside ♪ - [Gary mouthing lyrics.]
Looking out from the outside ♪ You never know what you're gonna find Till you look inside ♪ I mean, it's a good one.
It's good.
I'm looking forward to it.
Actually, it's my day off.
I won't be there.
I ain't coming in.
Don't need it that much.
I mean, how good is it gonna be? [whispers.]
Not that good.
I saw you giving it all that ♪ I saw you giving it All that nasty shit you're talking ♪ I heard you playing it off And I've been playing it over ♪ It's time that someone took you Down, down, down, down ♪ I've got no time for you I've got no time for all that ♪ But since you're getting up in my face I've got to put you in your place ♪ I'll tell you one more time Get off my back or I'm ♪ Gonna put you in a hole That's six feet under ♪ Yeah.
I thought, "Why not join in?" So, I did.
And I'm enjoying it.
And I'm good at it.
I mean, some of the girls took me through the routines at lunchtime, and they didn't have to do that, so they obviously don't hate me.
I don't What do you want me to say? It's fun.
[scoffs.]
Okay? - Fight, fight, fight ♪ - Jail fight, jail fight ♪ Someone's going to wind up Someone's going to wind up ♪ [Ros.]
Don't say I didn't warn you ♪ - You won't be saying nothing ♪ - I'm gonna take my chances ♪ - I wanna hear you scream ♪ - You had your time to run ♪ [both.]
And still you're coming back for more ♪ For more, for more, for more ♪ - For more ♪ - Jail fight, jail fight ♪ - More ♪ - Fight, fight, fight ♪ [Anastasia.]
Ah ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪ Sort of like that? I don't know.
- Whoa! - Yeah! [singsongy.]
Someone's gonna wind up at the Oscars.
Tiramisu has got coffee in it, hasn't it? It most certainly has.
Although, interestingly, I had it this one time Nope.
Okay.
Catch you later.
[Dean.]
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
I'll hang up.
[chattering.]
- Do you want some company? - I'm all right.
Thank you, love.
Well, I'll just be here if you change your mind, like.
Try to eat a little something.
Where the fuck is the tiramisu? - Love tiramisu.
- Love tiramisu.
- Go on.
You go.
- Go on.
You go.
- Fuck off.
- Fuck off.
[Charlee.]
I'm a faceless person ♪ Forgotten and unknown ♪ Frightened that mistakes I've made define me ♪ I'm a hopeless dreamer ♪ Dreaming all alone ♪ Waiting for tomorrow ♪ Waiting for tomorrow ♪ When someone sees me ♪ For who I really am ♪ The thing about Laura is she sort of creeps up on you.
On first impressions, she's a cringe fest.
Like this irritating, withering old ball of embarrassment.
But she's got this other side to her which you can't help but like.
Yeah, you know what? Laura's all right.
I mean, this musical, it ain't nothing.
It means a lot to people.
Means a lot to me.
Never had a chance like this before.
I think it's gonna be amazing.
I think we're all gonna be amazing, and that's down to her.
Plus, that desk job has been a lifesaver, because my ankles did get really puffy.
[laughs.]
Mistakes are made ♪ Always in my way ♪ I could start again one day ♪ If someone noticed that I'm still here ♪ [inmates.]
Gonna get there one day ♪ [Charlee.]
Ooh ♪ [inmates.]
Gonna find my way ♪ [Charlee.]
Oh ♪ [inmates.]
Gonna get there one day ♪ - [Charlee.]
Mmm ♪ - [inmates.]
Gonna find my way ♪ [Charlee.]
'Cause I'm a faceless person ♪ Forgotten and unknown ♪ Frightened that mistakes I've made Define me ♪ s-[inmates.]
Gonna find my way ♪ - [Charlee.]
Define me ♪