HarmonQuest (2016) s01e05 Episode Script
Manoa Prison Hole
1 [gentle chime.]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" You see a large, human sea captain.
We needed your ship to escape dire circumstances.
You feel a massive impact rock the hull of your ship, and standing upon the dark vessel is a familiar armored figure.
It's shitface! - The runestones wish - to be united! - You'll never get my amulet! - No, no, no, no! Are you fucking kidding me? You fools! You think you can escape the Heralds of the Manticore? Put it in your ass.
- You see me put it - under my skirt, And then I remove my hand, and it is my business where it is.
He holds up the two stones as the stone floats out of you.
I have all three stones! Now you're coming with me.
We're going on a little trip.
We'll miss you, - Rib Sanchez! Where's the fruit powder? - Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Thank you so much.
- Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
You applaud again for that.
- That's my name.
- Or you don't.
That's good too.
The real star of the show, our Game Master Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Role-playing alongside me as always, the redheaded but otherwise unobjectifiable Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
- And the totally - objectifiable, Because white male, Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
And our guest celebrity role-player tonight, Aubrey Plaza.
[cheers and applause.]
- Do you have any - experience at all - With fantasy - role-playing games? No, I don't know anything.
Nothing at all.
Coming in the door totally Um, no.
I don't know anything.
Well, that's good.
- I mean, that's as good, - if not better, - Than someone - with any experience.
So it's like it's just a collective story.
Spencer is the Game Master.
He's like God - and a referee.
He uses dice sometimes to simulate the randomness of the world, and the rest of the world is simulated by a bunch of books that he's read and his weird brain.
- So he's telling us - what to do.
- We tell him - what we want to do.
He tells us - if we succeeded.
- You have a sheet - in front of you.
- It's got a bunch - of numbers on it That no one ever looks at.
Without further ado all: Let's quest! - Yeah! - [laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
It's been a long time in the darkness of Vortheon That's the armor guy Vortheon's ship.
You hear the creak of iron and are instantly blinded by bright sunlight.
With a tug on your heavy chains, you are led onto the docks of a new place, scarcely visible in the unrelenting light.
Marched past townsfolk of an unfamiliar town, you are whisked quickly into a building labeled "Manoa Prison" and into prison cells.
Your items and equipment are removed from you.
Just like one of those late '90s shitty video games.
I mean, I think a lot of video games follow that progression.
Also the video game of actual prison.
[laughter.]
Vortheon, armored guy, he stands there, and he starts gloating.
- Thanks for your help, - heroes.
Now that I've collected all three runestones, we can finally resurrect the Manticore and rule this world.
You stay put for a while.
We'll be needing you when the time comes.
[laughs maniacally.]
Hey, hey, you know what? Yeah? Uh, uh, uh fuck you.
He holds the three runestones in his hand and clutches them in his fist and a portal appears.
He walks through it, and the portal disappears.
All right, we'll talk later.
Aubrey: Am I here? Spencer: You hear a voice behind you.
Apparently there is another prisoner in your cell.
- Oh, shit.
- Ohh! Hey, hey, hey! I have no Diplomacy.
Who's there? Make yourself known or I might kill you! So I am here.
Yeah, yeah.
They were wrong.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- I was right.
I look in the direction of the voice.
Well, you see a prisoner.
It's a gnome wearing prison clothes.
Hello, little gnome.
Wait a minute.
Why am I gnome? You didn't say that.
- Uh, yeah, - I should have mentioned.
Yeah, yeah, you're a gnome.
Oh.
Okay.
What is your name, gnome? My name is Hawaiian Coffee.
[laughter.]
It kinda I'm not a psychologist, but it almost sounded like you just made your name up.
Well, doesn't every name sound like that? - Yeah.
- Well, most people's names - Sound like their parents - made them up.
Hawaiian Coffee I'm a little goblin.
I'm a goblin rogue.
Okay.
What are you in for? - What are you in for, - Hawaiian Coffee? I, um, was just minding my own business and eating a meal, and they just dragged my ass out of there and Hey, look, we're all innocent in here, right? Were you in a non-gnome establishment? I was um, yes.
I was in a non-gnome establishment, but that's yeah.
All right, listen, we gotta get out of here.
[laughter.]
Right? [cheers and applause.]
How do we get out of here? Oh, okay, so What we have to do is we gotta get some things.
We gotta get four sets of clothing and a metal feeding tray.
- We should probably try - to lure four guards - Into the cell right now - and take the guard clothing? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, - 'cause we gotta get four.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, - I know what to do.
- Stop me if - you've heard this one.
Let's pretend we're getting in a fight.
- Okay.
- And then they come in, - And they're like, - "Stop fighting.
" - And then they get - so close to us - Trying to make us stop, - then we start fighting them.
- Okay.
- I also need a pair of glasses.
What do the glasses do? I'm gonna use them for later.
- Okay.
- Right.
I can't tell you everything.
No, no.
I can I can instigate I'm a barbarian.
The fuck you are! I shove her.
- Well, I wanted to instigate - a fight with that guard.
- He's he's - Oh, okay, okay.
He's starting the fight.
No, you didn't! - All right, I punch him - in the face.
Oh, no, girlfriend, you did not just go there.
Shut up! You shut up your face! - What are you guys - Just knock it off.
You guys are just It's as if you're trying - to all do one thing, - but you all have Completely different ideas as of how that might play out.
And that's the one thing you can't do in prison.
I bet you can't You can't stop me from hurting this guy unless you open the door.
And I just start just start banging my head up against his head.
You can't do that.
No head-banging allowed.
- Stop me! - Try to stop me! - The guard fumbles - with the keys, And he whistles and another guard comes up.
The two guards enter the room, enter the prison cell, and they start They start touching you guys, trying to pull you off of each other, which involves touching.
I touch 'em back.
I light a very small fire in the corner of the room.
- There's no fires - allowed in prison.
I use Intimidate, and I look to the guy with glasses You're gonna give me your glasses, - and you're gonna - turn around.
- You're gonna leave - the cell open, And you're just gonna go about your day.
Say hi to your mother for me.
That's a I'm so scared right now that I can't carry out any complex set of tasks.
So I snatch the glasses off his face.
No! I'm afraid of that happening.
Quick, throw them to me.
- I toss them to - Hawaiian Coffee.
I can't see.
This is a problem.
I need help.
Guards! Other guards! I bite his face to cover up his mouth.
I just start chomping his face off.
- I'm chomping him - as hard as I can.
I'm trying to subdue this guy.
- All right, if you're - chomping him all hard.
I'm chomping him all hard.
- Chomping him all - Everyone, calm down.
Chomping him all hard.
You deal 17 damage.
Yes, I fucking do.
Oh, God oh.
You bite the guy so hard his lower jaw comes off in your mouth.
Jesus Christ! He's pouring blood out of his chin hole.
I chew the whole jaw up and and and swallow it.
You do that.
Is there another guy? Is there more combat? Yeah, he's curled up in the floor.
- We gotta keep that guy from - yelling out for more guards.
Okay, well, I grab him.
- Wait, we gotta take - his clothes off.
- Yeah, I start - taking his clothes off.
- Yeah.
- No, don't do that! Well, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna take off your skin.
- So we take off his clothes.
- You do that.
- We should render him - unconscious though, - So he doesn't, like, start - yelling to the other guards.
And so that he's not embarrassed.
Okay, I take - That's very nice of you, - Hawaiian Coffee.
I take my axe, Only Friend, and I - You don't have it.
- You're in jail.
- Oh, yeah, I'm in jail.
- No one has their stuff.
- Okay, I punch him in the head - to knock him You punch him in the head to knock him - Unconscious.
- Unconscious.
After repeated blows to the head, he just passes out.
His face is a mass of bleeding and contusions.
- Jesus.
- All right.
- All right, Hawaiian Coffee, - we got the glasses.
- We got the guys knocked out.
- We got the clothes.
- Four we need four.
- We have to have four.
- You could put - one of the guards One of the dead guards Or subdued guard's costumes on - Outfits on and go out, - and then Oh, I can shapeshift my face and, uh Bury the lede.
And make myself look like, you know, like a lizard.
All right, Hawaiian Coffee Just a lizard or Like a very sexy lizard.
It couldn't hurt.
Okay, so I'll do it.
Well, you could Your face-shifting power, it can only turn into, like, a humanoid kinda thing.
Like, no animals.
Maybe you could turn into one of the guards that we just knocked - Like the guy whose face - I bit off.
Yeah, you're right.
I can shapeshift into one of those guys.
Right.
- And then I'll just be - one of the guys.
- Yeah.
- And then I'll just - Yeah, and then you'll say - I'll be like, - "You gotta see this.
- Follow me.
" - I walk up to Hawaiian Coffee - at the edge of the cell, And I say you're going out there a nobody, but you're coming back a star.
- And I go - when this is over, I never want to see you again, all right? Okay.
Fair enough.
What I was gonna do was turn these clothes into shivs and then after I got that metal feeding plate, I was gonna no, I was gonna turn that into shivs.
- You can turn clothes - into shivs? No, I can't.
I can only turn clothes into a rope.
Oh, okay.
But then we gotta go 'Cause we gotta go upstairs, 'cause we gotta get my bomb-making kit.
Here's my pitch.
Okay.
One guard, we got it.
Three prisoners, no biggie.
She escorts us out.
Let's get out of here.
I want the bomb-making kit, and I want Only Friend.
My ax is called Only Friend not accidentally.
- We do have to get up - to wherever - They're keeping our weapons - and stuff like that.
That's what I'm saying.
We gotta go up there.
All right, - pitch rescinded.
Whatever you do, let's slow down everything.
Let's just take a half hour to do it.
- That's - Yeah.
So I'm gonna get - on my knees And start crawling.
As you crawl, the second round of guard patrol walks through the prison, and they're like What are you doing crawling? - And why is that - prison door open? - And also why - are these three prisoners Standing just inside of a prison door that's open? [clears throat.]
Yahhh! And I just charge.
And I just grab the nearest throat and squeeze it.
- Grabbing and squeezing - the nearest throat, Your fingers are like limp noodles around his neck.
They find new purchase in his necky flesh.
I go into a Barbarian Rage.
[singing gibberish.]
And I start punching.
Who are you punching? The two guards.
Like this.
[laughter.]
You fight like a girl.
- But they do take - four punching No, seven no, five Five punching dam Six punching damage.
Jesus.
Yeah, thank you.
- I run up to the closest - guard to me.
I jump onto a guy's shoulders and get on top of him and start biting at his scalp and trying to rip the skin off of his head.
Jesus Christ.
Your teeth bite harshly into the guard's neck, - and you rip out - a large chunk Of what tastes like his jugular.
Blood flows everywhere, coating the floor and slicking the ground in slippery life essence as the guard dies.
His face goes pale as his blood pumps onto the stone floor.
I do a camera take to no camera, and I go I'm a goblin.
I take a bunch of the blood, and I put it in a little cup, and I brew a very tiny potion with it.
What kind of potion? This we will need later.
You brew a potion with your Swift Alchemy.
- We got one more guard - to deal with, right? Yeah, he attempts to clock Boneweevil in the head.
Yeah, no, you take nine damage to the head.
All right.
Do you have any magic? I do, but I'm not in bad shape just yet.
I'm okay, right? What's my HP right now? - [whispered.]
- I wasn't asking Jeff.
Oh, I thought - I thought you were - worried about my well-being.
Always, always.
Always worried about your well-being.
- But I was asking - Hawaiian Coffee if she had - Do we need to save him? - Sorry? - No, I'm good.
- Magic for what? - Just tell me what you need, - and I'll do it.
I would like to kill this guard in a way that his bones - are visible.
- Wait, who are - Are you telling her? Sorry.
So I do magical - blood spell, And I'm gonna turn this fire into a really different kind of fire.
Hurling the potion at the small fire you've managed - to construct, It leaps into action, forming a fiery snake that wraps itself around the guard's neck and pops his head off like a top.
- Whoa! - Ooh! Topples off of his body to the floor, where it pops.
All right, Hawaiian Coffee, we got four guards' clothes.
You got the glasses, right? - Yeah, and now we need - that metal feeding tray.
I look around to see if there's exits or doorways or hallways.
There is one, but it seems to be locked.
- I use my thieves - Oh, wait.
Oh, sorry no, take it.
No, no.
- Do it.
- Okay.
I can use the glasses to unlock the thing.
- You can? - Yeah.
- No, you can't.
- Yeah, check it out.
- No, you can't.
- Come on.
- I'll give you - five gold pieces - If you can unlock this lock - with glasses.
- Well, now I don't - want to do it.
- Well - [laughter.]
'Cause now I'm just trying to build dramatic tension.
All right, look, - I did it.
- What? - You did it? - I wasn't - Did she? Yeah, she did it.
[cheers and applause.]
I wasn't [cheering.]
I wasn't looking.
- How did you do it? - I was looking away.
- It's just glasses sticking - out of an open lock.
Opening the door, you see a small L-shaped room.
There's two doors.
- There's one to the left - and one ahead of you.
The one ahead of you seems to lead into some sort of closet or no, it's a closet.
Okay, there could definitely be, like, - trays and stuff - in that closet.
- Do you want to try - your glasses trick - And open up - one of the doors? - Yeah, I'll open - both of them.
- All right, - I'll watch this time.
- I want to see how she does it.
- Okay.
And a one, and a two, and a three, four, five.
Simultaneously, both locks click open.
Jesus.
Some trick of alchemy.
You see a supply closet.
It's full of mops and buckets and also Come on, tray.
Come on.
- No Whammies.
- Where are you, tray? A sack of dry oatmeal and dry corn and also a stack of metal trays.
- Whoa! - Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
I go I pick up a tray and I give it to Hawaiian Coffee Of course you'd pick that one.
I pick up another tray that I think is a better tray, and I look There we go.
All right, I'm trying to help.
Trying to help.
- I'll do whatever - I'll be your assistant.
- Whatever you need.
- Okay.
Very excited about this.
If you need a song.
Uh yeah, do a little dance for me.
All right, I I do a traditional Skull Sculpture Clan Dance, which is, like, focusing on each bone in the body - and making that bone - move forward.
All right, do it a little bit slower.
Okay.
- I think we're - about to find out What Hawaiian Coffee's in jail for.
[grunting.]
There, the trays, I did it.
- So you made the shivs? - Yeah.
These are the finest shivs you've ever seen.
And look, they look just like you.
Oh, they do? All right, I grab a shiv.
Everybody get one.
I grab a shiv.
The shivs look like a naked lady.
That's right.
You head out - of the closet.
You're in the security vestibule with the open doors.
We ought to go up these stairs.
- Check it out.
- They're right here.
They are.
And we're gonna go up as far as we can go, and then I'm gonna do the thing with the rope, - and then we're - gonna go outside.
Heading up the stairs you find another lock - on the top floor - of the prison.
- Well, we know - how to do this.
Glasses time.
And a one, and a two, three, four, five.
The lock opens with a soft click.
You're in the evidence locker room.
Oh, shit.
My bomb kit.
I missed you.
You are reunited with your bomb kit and everyone else also sees their assorted inventories and equipments.
Ohhh.
Can I look around for any kind of, like, potions? What's your Perception? Uh, it's pretty good.
You find seven potions.
One is orange, and the rest are light green.
- Can I take all of them? - Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- I look around for any - Special weapons - that might be there, - Any upgrades, like, - for my short bow - Or anything like that, - or dagger.
- You don't see any upgrades - for your short bow, - But you see - a bejeweled dagger.
I take that bejeweled motherfucking dagger.
Oh, and I shrink you to 1/8 the size.
The fuck? [laughter and applause.]
Right? You're I just realized What's three divided by 3/8ths? You're 3/8ths of a foot tall.
What? Why did you do that? The big man - with his dagger.
I'm not I'm a little, tiny thing.
I'm a three-foot-tall guy already.
I'm shorter than you are.
- I'm shorter than a gnome.
- So? I pick up Boneweevil, and I put him in my pocket.
I can put you in my pocket.
I feel like I've been a team player the whole fucking time.
I bit the guy's face off.
I've been kicking ass all over the shop.
I whistle while slowly picking up the bejeweled dagger.
I just Uh, I - I've deferred - to Hawaiian Coffee On almost every decision.
- I've backed you - at every step.
I turn my fists into cement balls, - and I just start - punching it out.
Punching what out? The wall.
You just start wailing on the wall.
You're just going to town.
Yeah.
Wa-bam, wa-bam.
The masonry is chipping away from your stony fists.
Is this part of a plan? Okay, that's enough.
- I was just trying - to have fun.
I gather my stuff, and I go to the door, and I turn around and I go We have been great, and we're gonna continue to be great, and I'm talking too long.
Let's get out of here.
Well, but we can't go that way.
You can't.
You see seven guards come up through the stairs.
- Oh, it would have been - great if everybody Was full-sized to fight these assholes.
Uh, did someone hear something? I didn't.
- It sounded like - a bug or something.
You guys, - there's a window.
All right, listen, I'm gonna rub my hands together.
- I'm gonna make a rope - out of this shit.
- And then while you guys - go out there, I'm gonna go explode myself with all these guards.
[laughter.]
You guys, go out the window.
I'm saving you guys, not me.
I shed no tears for her.
She's got the spirit of a guest star.
All right, I smash open the window.
You smash open the window with your barbarian strength.
Aye-yee! That's the sound you make while doing it.
- You grab - the blood-slicked rope As Hawaiian Coffee suicide-bombs the guards.
Haiee! [shouting gibberish.]
I'll never forget you! Everyone rappels down the rope outside of the prison, where it seems that the guards are having trouble trying to control a separate, completely unrelated prison break that has seemed to free a lot more prisoners than you guys.
But in the commotion - Aghh! - I'm still alive! [screaming.]
[laughs.]
God, you look - Ah, no, I'm dead.
- Oh.
- Blegh! - Oh.
- Bah! - Still making noises.
- Bah! - Oh.
Fugitives and escaped prisoners, you realize you can't stay here.
But, um, wait Right, yeah.
That sentence confused me.
Well, it wasn't meant to.
- We can't stay.
- We're fugitives.
- We have to get out of here.
- We can't stick around.
Oh, oh, oh, "fugitive" "and escaped prisoners," comma, "You realize you can't" Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Booking it out of town towards the Sandman Desert, fortuitously located next to the Doorest of Fores, the location of the Heralds' secret hideout.
It's fortuitous.
But could our heroes make it through the desert alive? Would Boneweevil ever return to his normal size? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest"! The amazing Aubrey Plaza, everybody! Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
Dan Harmon, everybody! [cheers and applause.]
Uh, and we'll see you in the next episode of our continuing HarmonQuest.
[cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" You see a large, human sea captain.
We needed your ship to escape dire circumstances.
You feel a massive impact rock the hull of your ship, and standing upon the dark vessel is a familiar armored figure.
It's shitface! - The runestones wish - to be united! - You'll never get my amulet! - No, no, no, no! Are you fucking kidding me? You fools! You think you can escape the Heralds of the Manticore? Put it in your ass.
- You see me put it - under my skirt, And then I remove my hand, and it is my business where it is.
He holds up the two stones as the stone floats out of you.
I have all three stones! Now you're coming with me.
We're going on a little trip.
We'll miss you, - Rib Sanchez! Where's the fruit powder? - Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Thank you so much.
- Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
You applaud again for that.
- That's my name.
- Or you don't.
That's good too.
The real star of the show, our Game Master Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Role-playing alongside me as always, the redheaded but otherwise unobjectifiable Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
- And the totally - objectifiable, Because white male, Jeff Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
And our guest celebrity role-player tonight, Aubrey Plaza.
[cheers and applause.]
- Do you have any - experience at all - With fantasy - role-playing games? No, I don't know anything.
Nothing at all.
Coming in the door totally Um, no.
I don't know anything.
Well, that's good.
- I mean, that's as good, - if not better, - Than someone - with any experience.
So it's like it's just a collective story.
Spencer is the Game Master.
He's like God - and a referee.
He uses dice sometimes to simulate the randomness of the world, and the rest of the world is simulated by a bunch of books that he's read and his weird brain.
- So he's telling us - what to do.
- We tell him - what we want to do.
He tells us - if we succeeded.
- You have a sheet - in front of you.
- It's got a bunch - of numbers on it That no one ever looks at.
Without further ado all: Let's quest! - Yeah! - [laughs.]
[cheers and applause.]
It's been a long time in the darkness of Vortheon That's the armor guy Vortheon's ship.
You hear the creak of iron and are instantly blinded by bright sunlight.
With a tug on your heavy chains, you are led onto the docks of a new place, scarcely visible in the unrelenting light.
Marched past townsfolk of an unfamiliar town, you are whisked quickly into a building labeled "Manoa Prison" and into prison cells.
Your items and equipment are removed from you.
Just like one of those late '90s shitty video games.
I mean, I think a lot of video games follow that progression.
Also the video game of actual prison.
[laughter.]
Vortheon, armored guy, he stands there, and he starts gloating.
- Thanks for your help, - heroes.
Now that I've collected all three runestones, we can finally resurrect the Manticore and rule this world.
You stay put for a while.
We'll be needing you when the time comes.
[laughs maniacally.]
Hey, hey, you know what? Yeah? Uh, uh, uh fuck you.
He holds the three runestones in his hand and clutches them in his fist and a portal appears.
He walks through it, and the portal disappears.
All right, we'll talk later.
Aubrey: Am I here? Spencer: You hear a voice behind you.
Apparently there is another prisoner in your cell.
- Oh, shit.
- Ohh! Hey, hey, hey! I have no Diplomacy.
Who's there? Make yourself known or I might kill you! So I am here.
Yeah, yeah.
They were wrong.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- I was right.
I look in the direction of the voice.
Well, you see a prisoner.
It's a gnome wearing prison clothes.
Hello, little gnome.
Wait a minute.
Why am I gnome? You didn't say that.
- Uh, yeah, - I should have mentioned.
Yeah, yeah, you're a gnome.
Oh.
Okay.
What is your name, gnome? My name is Hawaiian Coffee.
[laughter.]
It kinda I'm not a psychologist, but it almost sounded like you just made your name up.
Well, doesn't every name sound like that? - Yeah.
- Well, most people's names - Sound like their parents - made them up.
Hawaiian Coffee I'm a little goblin.
I'm a goblin rogue.
Okay.
What are you in for? - What are you in for, - Hawaiian Coffee? I, um, was just minding my own business and eating a meal, and they just dragged my ass out of there and Hey, look, we're all innocent in here, right? Were you in a non-gnome establishment? I was um, yes.
I was in a non-gnome establishment, but that's yeah.
All right, listen, we gotta get out of here.
[laughter.]
Right? [cheers and applause.]
How do we get out of here? Oh, okay, so What we have to do is we gotta get some things.
We gotta get four sets of clothing and a metal feeding tray.
- We should probably try - to lure four guards - Into the cell right now - and take the guard clothing? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, - 'cause we gotta get four.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, - I know what to do.
- Stop me if - you've heard this one.
Let's pretend we're getting in a fight.
- Okay.
- And then they come in, - And they're like, - "Stop fighting.
" - And then they get - so close to us - Trying to make us stop, - then we start fighting them.
- Okay.
- I also need a pair of glasses.
What do the glasses do? I'm gonna use them for later.
- Okay.
- Right.
I can't tell you everything.
No, no.
I can I can instigate I'm a barbarian.
The fuck you are! I shove her.
- Well, I wanted to instigate - a fight with that guard.
- He's he's - Oh, okay, okay.
He's starting the fight.
No, you didn't! - All right, I punch him - in the face.
Oh, no, girlfriend, you did not just go there.
Shut up! You shut up your face! - What are you guys - Just knock it off.
You guys are just It's as if you're trying - to all do one thing, - but you all have Completely different ideas as of how that might play out.
And that's the one thing you can't do in prison.
I bet you can't You can't stop me from hurting this guy unless you open the door.
And I just start just start banging my head up against his head.
You can't do that.
No head-banging allowed.
- Stop me! - Try to stop me! - The guard fumbles - with the keys, And he whistles and another guard comes up.
The two guards enter the room, enter the prison cell, and they start They start touching you guys, trying to pull you off of each other, which involves touching.
I touch 'em back.
I light a very small fire in the corner of the room.
- There's no fires - allowed in prison.
I use Intimidate, and I look to the guy with glasses You're gonna give me your glasses, - and you're gonna - turn around.
- You're gonna leave - the cell open, And you're just gonna go about your day.
Say hi to your mother for me.
That's a I'm so scared right now that I can't carry out any complex set of tasks.
So I snatch the glasses off his face.
No! I'm afraid of that happening.
Quick, throw them to me.
- I toss them to - Hawaiian Coffee.
I can't see.
This is a problem.
I need help.
Guards! Other guards! I bite his face to cover up his mouth.
I just start chomping his face off.
- I'm chomping him - as hard as I can.
I'm trying to subdue this guy.
- All right, if you're - chomping him all hard.
I'm chomping him all hard.
- Chomping him all - Everyone, calm down.
Chomping him all hard.
You deal 17 damage.
Yes, I fucking do.
Oh, God oh.
You bite the guy so hard his lower jaw comes off in your mouth.
Jesus Christ! He's pouring blood out of his chin hole.
I chew the whole jaw up and and and swallow it.
You do that.
Is there another guy? Is there more combat? Yeah, he's curled up in the floor.
- We gotta keep that guy from - yelling out for more guards.
Okay, well, I grab him.
- Wait, we gotta take - his clothes off.
- Yeah, I start - taking his clothes off.
- Yeah.
- No, don't do that! Well, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna take off your skin.
- So we take off his clothes.
- You do that.
- We should render him - unconscious though, - So he doesn't, like, start - yelling to the other guards.
And so that he's not embarrassed.
Okay, I take - That's very nice of you, - Hawaiian Coffee.
I take my axe, Only Friend, and I - You don't have it.
- You're in jail.
- Oh, yeah, I'm in jail.
- No one has their stuff.
- Okay, I punch him in the head - to knock him You punch him in the head to knock him - Unconscious.
- Unconscious.
After repeated blows to the head, he just passes out.
His face is a mass of bleeding and contusions.
- Jesus.
- All right.
- All right, Hawaiian Coffee, - we got the glasses.
- We got the guys knocked out.
- We got the clothes.
- Four we need four.
- We have to have four.
- You could put - one of the guards One of the dead guards Or subdued guard's costumes on - Outfits on and go out, - and then Oh, I can shapeshift my face and, uh Bury the lede.
And make myself look like, you know, like a lizard.
All right, Hawaiian Coffee Just a lizard or Like a very sexy lizard.
It couldn't hurt.
Okay, so I'll do it.
Well, you could Your face-shifting power, it can only turn into, like, a humanoid kinda thing.
Like, no animals.
Maybe you could turn into one of the guards that we just knocked - Like the guy whose face - I bit off.
Yeah, you're right.
I can shapeshift into one of those guys.
Right.
- And then I'll just be - one of the guys.
- Yeah.
- And then I'll just - Yeah, and then you'll say - I'll be like, - "You gotta see this.
- Follow me.
" - I walk up to Hawaiian Coffee - at the edge of the cell, And I say you're going out there a nobody, but you're coming back a star.
- And I go - when this is over, I never want to see you again, all right? Okay.
Fair enough.
What I was gonna do was turn these clothes into shivs and then after I got that metal feeding plate, I was gonna no, I was gonna turn that into shivs.
- You can turn clothes - into shivs? No, I can't.
I can only turn clothes into a rope.
Oh, okay.
But then we gotta go 'Cause we gotta go upstairs, 'cause we gotta get my bomb-making kit.
Here's my pitch.
Okay.
One guard, we got it.
Three prisoners, no biggie.
She escorts us out.
Let's get out of here.
I want the bomb-making kit, and I want Only Friend.
My ax is called Only Friend not accidentally.
- We do have to get up - to wherever - They're keeping our weapons - and stuff like that.
That's what I'm saying.
We gotta go up there.
All right, - pitch rescinded.
Whatever you do, let's slow down everything.
Let's just take a half hour to do it.
- That's - Yeah.
So I'm gonna get - on my knees And start crawling.
As you crawl, the second round of guard patrol walks through the prison, and they're like What are you doing crawling? - And why is that - prison door open? - And also why - are these three prisoners Standing just inside of a prison door that's open? [clears throat.]
Yahhh! And I just charge.
And I just grab the nearest throat and squeeze it.
- Grabbing and squeezing - the nearest throat, Your fingers are like limp noodles around his neck.
They find new purchase in his necky flesh.
I go into a Barbarian Rage.
[singing gibberish.]
And I start punching.
Who are you punching? The two guards.
Like this.
[laughter.]
You fight like a girl.
- But they do take - four punching No, seven no, five Five punching dam Six punching damage.
Jesus.
Yeah, thank you.
- I run up to the closest - guard to me.
I jump onto a guy's shoulders and get on top of him and start biting at his scalp and trying to rip the skin off of his head.
Jesus Christ.
Your teeth bite harshly into the guard's neck, - and you rip out - a large chunk Of what tastes like his jugular.
Blood flows everywhere, coating the floor and slicking the ground in slippery life essence as the guard dies.
His face goes pale as his blood pumps onto the stone floor.
I do a camera take to no camera, and I go I'm a goblin.
I take a bunch of the blood, and I put it in a little cup, and I brew a very tiny potion with it.
What kind of potion? This we will need later.
You brew a potion with your Swift Alchemy.
- We got one more guard - to deal with, right? Yeah, he attempts to clock Boneweevil in the head.
Yeah, no, you take nine damage to the head.
All right.
Do you have any magic? I do, but I'm not in bad shape just yet.
I'm okay, right? What's my HP right now? - [whispered.]
- I wasn't asking Jeff.
Oh, I thought - I thought you were - worried about my well-being.
Always, always.
Always worried about your well-being.
- But I was asking - Hawaiian Coffee if she had - Do we need to save him? - Sorry? - No, I'm good.
- Magic for what? - Just tell me what you need, - and I'll do it.
I would like to kill this guard in a way that his bones - are visible.
- Wait, who are - Are you telling her? Sorry.
So I do magical - blood spell, And I'm gonna turn this fire into a really different kind of fire.
Hurling the potion at the small fire you've managed - to construct, It leaps into action, forming a fiery snake that wraps itself around the guard's neck and pops his head off like a top.
- Whoa! - Ooh! Topples off of his body to the floor, where it pops.
All right, Hawaiian Coffee, we got four guards' clothes.
You got the glasses, right? - Yeah, and now we need - that metal feeding tray.
I look around to see if there's exits or doorways or hallways.
There is one, but it seems to be locked.
- I use my thieves - Oh, wait.
Oh, sorry no, take it.
No, no.
- Do it.
- Okay.
I can use the glasses to unlock the thing.
- You can? - Yeah.
- No, you can't.
- Yeah, check it out.
- No, you can't.
- Come on.
- I'll give you - five gold pieces - If you can unlock this lock - with glasses.
- Well, now I don't - want to do it.
- Well - [laughter.]
'Cause now I'm just trying to build dramatic tension.
All right, look, - I did it.
- What? - You did it? - I wasn't - Did she? Yeah, she did it.
[cheers and applause.]
I wasn't [cheering.]
I wasn't looking.
- How did you do it? - I was looking away.
- It's just glasses sticking - out of an open lock.
Opening the door, you see a small L-shaped room.
There's two doors.
- There's one to the left - and one ahead of you.
The one ahead of you seems to lead into some sort of closet or no, it's a closet.
Okay, there could definitely be, like, - trays and stuff - in that closet.
- Do you want to try - your glasses trick - And open up - one of the doors? - Yeah, I'll open - both of them.
- All right, - I'll watch this time.
- I want to see how she does it.
- Okay.
And a one, and a two, and a three, four, five.
Simultaneously, both locks click open.
Jesus.
Some trick of alchemy.
You see a supply closet.
It's full of mops and buckets and also Come on, tray.
Come on.
- No Whammies.
- Where are you, tray? A sack of dry oatmeal and dry corn and also a stack of metal trays.
- Whoa! - Whoo! [cheers and applause.]
I go I pick up a tray and I give it to Hawaiian Coffee Of course you'd pick that one.
I pick up another tray that I think is a better tray, and I look There we go.
All right, I'm trying to help.
Trying to help.
- I'll do whatever - I'll be your assistant.
- Whatever you need.
- Okay.
Very excited about this.
If you need a song.
Uh yeah, do a little dance for me.
All right, I I do a traditional Skull Sculpture Clan Dance, which is, like, focusing on each bone in the body - and making that bone - move forward.
All right, do it a little bit slower.
Okay.
- I think we're - about to find out What Hawaiian Coffee's in jail for.
[grunting.]
There, the trays, I did it.
- So you made the shivs? - Yeah.
These are the finest shivs you've ever seen.
And look, they look just like you.
Oh, they do? All right, I grab a shiv.
Everybody get one.
I grab a shiv.
The shivs look like a naked lady.
That's right.
You head out - of the closet.
You're in the security vestibule with the open doors.
We ought to go up these stairs.
- Check it out.
- They're right here.
They are.
And we're gonna go up as far as we can go, and then I'm gonna do the thing with the rope, - and then we're - gonna go outside.
Heading up the stairs you find another lock - on the top floor - of the prison.
- Well, we know - how to do this.
Glasses time.
And a one, and a two, three, four, five.
The lock opens with a soft click.
You're in the evidence locker room.
Oh, shit.
My bomb kit.
I missed you.
You are reunited with your bomb kit and everyone else also sees their assorted inventories and equipments.
Ohhh.
Can I look around for any kind of, like, potions? What's your Perception? Uh, it's pretty good.
You find seven potions.
One is orange, and the rest are light green.
- Can I take all of them? - Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- I look around for any - Special weapons - that might be there, - Any upgrades, like, - for my short bow - Or anything like that, - or dagger.
- You don't see any upgrades - for your short bow, - But you see - a bejeweled dagger.
I take that bejeweled motherfucking dagger.
Oh, and I shrink you to 1/8 the size.
The fuck? [laughter and applause.]
Right? You're I just realized What's three divided by 3/8ths? You're 3/8ths of a foot tall.
What? Why did you do that? The big man - with his dagger.
I'm not I'm a little, tiny thing.
I'm a three-foot-tall guy already.
I'm shorter than you are.
- I'm shorter than a gnome.
- So? I pick up Boneweevil, and I put him in my pocket.
I can put you in my pocket.
I feel like I've been a team player the whole fucking time.
I bit the guy's face off.
I've been kicking ass all over the shop.
I whistle while slowly picking up the bejeweled dagger.
I just Uh, I - I've deferred - to Hawaiian Coffee On almost every decision.
- I've backed you - at every step.
I turn my fists into cement balls, - and I just start - punching it out.
Punching what out? The wall.
You just start wailing on the wall.
You're just going to town.
Yeah.
Wa-bam, wa-bam.
The masonry is chipping away from your stony fists.
Is this part of a plan? Okay, that's enough.
- I was just trying - to have fun.
I gather my stuff, and I go to the door, and I turn around and I go We have been great, and we're gonna continue to be great, and I'm talking too long.
Let's get out of here.
Well, but we can't go that way.
You can't.
You see seven guards come up through the stairs.
- Oh, it would have been - great if everybody Was full-sized to fight these assholes.
Uh, did someone hear something? I didn't.
- It sounded like - a bug or something.
You guys, - there's a window.
All right, listen, I'm gonna rub my hands together.
- I'm gonna make a rope - out of this shit.
- And then while you guys - go out there, I'm gonna go explode myself with all these guards.
[laughter.]
You guys, go out the window.
I'm saving you guys, not me.
I shed no tears for her.
She's got the spirit of a guest star.
All right, I smash open the window.
You smash open the window with your barbarian strength.
Aye-yee! That's the sound you make while doing it.
- You grab - the blood-slicked rope As Hawaiian Coffee suicide-bombs the guards.
Haiee! [shouting gibberish.]
I'll never forget you! Everyone rappels down the rope outside of the prison, where it seems that the guards are having trouble trying to control a separate, completely unrelated prison break that has seemed to free a lot more prisoners than you guys.
But in the commotion - Aghh! - I'm still alive! [screaming.]
[laughs.]
God, you look - Ah, no, I'm dead.
- Oh.
- Blegh! - Oh.
- Bah! - Still making noises.
- Bah! - Oh.
Fugitives and escaped prisoners, you realize you can't stay here.
But, um, wait Right, yeah.
That sentence confused me.
Well, it wasn't meant to.
- We can't stay.
- We're fugitives.
- We have to get out of here.
- We can't stick around.
Oh, oh, oh, "fugitive" "and escaped prisoners," comma, "You realize you can't" Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Booking it out of town towards the Sandman Desert, fortuitously located next to the Doorest of Fores, the location of the Heralds' secret hideout.
It's fortuitous.
But could our heroes make it through the desert alive? Would Boneweevil ever return to his normal size? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest"! The amazing Aubrey Plaza, everybody! Jeff Davis, Erin McGathy, Spencer Crittenden.
Dan Harmon, everybody! [cheers and applause.]
Uh, and we'll see you in the next episode of our continuing HarmonQuest.
[cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]