Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e05 Episode Script
Shoyu Weenie
And now, with their number one hit in America it's the Neptunes! lt says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35 he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.
Do you trust me, Birdman? -l'm sorry? -l need your trust.
All of it.
Slavish.
On your feet! Very busy at the moment.
Stand there.
Not there.
There! Turn around.
Good.
Now close your eyes and fall back.
l'm right behind you.
When l was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl.
That's it.
Let me cradle you.
She landed flat on her back.
Did you ever know that you're my hero? And then everyone started laughing, because she was fat.
Fall, you bastard! Shoyu Weenie here to see you.
lt's a Japanese band.
Right.
Send it in.
We were just starting to connect.
Shoyu Weenie! What can l do you for? l'm sorry.
l am asking what l, Harvey Birdman can humbly do for you Weenies.
Japanesies.
Aren't you cute? Here's a football.
An American football.
Yo, bird.
Shoyu Weenie.
-You know them? -Sure.
You speak Japanese? l get by.
Good.
Find out why they're here.
And get this one to back up a foot and a half.
Say you'll take the case.
l'll take the case! But first, what just happened? Lady, l need a yank.
Dislocation.
Who is it? Gale Melody, the musicologist.
Thank you for coming here.
My office? Completely bugged.
Here are the.
No one warned me that your feet were so dainty.
The songs look very similar.
So perfectly proportioned.
Hello, little goslings.
And they did neglect to register it worldwide.
Would you care to hear a lieder? Morning, all.
How is every little.
l mean, back off! ln case you're new here, l've got a shrink gun.
-Hello.
-Hear ye, hear ye.
All those with business before this court, step forward and ye shall be heard.
The Right Honorable Mentok presiding.
Was l announced? And now, kicking ass and taking minds Mentok the Mind-Taker! Or was it the other one, the ''now presiding.
''? We were running late, so l just thought, you know, the short one.
Because it's shorter.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bigger one next time, all right? Try the scary one next time.
All right, maybe later.
Yes, it's your ex calling.
l'll put her on mind-waiting, is that all right? And l believe we'll hear from you first.
Why? Because Mentok wills it so! Proceed.
l'd like to call one of the Shoyu Weenies to the stand.
l don't care which one.
Seiko Morimoto.
Before we begin, let me ask you: Seiko, do you have the time? So what? Can't l be jocular? Tell us, Miss Morimoto, the meaning of the lyric: ''Boom boom, baby, with the Shoyu chaser.
''Let me show you, baby, how your candy tastes-a.
'' Want to do Cuban today? Because.
-So, you are a musical group, correct? -Yes.
For God's sake.
You, the shark.
No more from you today, okay? Who writes your music? Someone with something yummy in his tummy? Those guys are going to lose this one.
l'm pretty sure of it.
No, l know it.
And before you answer this next question l'll remind you that you swore on a Bible to tell the truth here today.
So, tell us and God, where the song Lovely Lovely came from.
He'd like to know.
-We don't know.
-Nothing further.
All l'm saying is Shoyu Weenie would get a piece of the royalties and the Neptunes could continue performing it.
Are you wearing cologne? l think Reducto has a date! -Nonsense.
-A Miss Gale, perhaps? -You devil, you.
-Stop it! Fraternizing with a witness.
You could get disbarred.
l don't care.
-l, however, have no conflicts.
-Back off.
-All's fair in love and bouncy-bouncy.
-Back off! l missed you last night at the bar.
The bar where you said you'd meet me.
That bar.
l touched a public phone to call you, and you weren't there! We don't borrow, don't read, don't rent, don't lease we take the mind.
So, in conclusion, we are? -Takers? -Yes! Who's the smartest boy in the court today? Me? Now, Mr.
Reducto Mentok commands you to proceed with your case.
You see? That's taking! That's not asking, that's taking the mind, okay? Your Honor, l'd like to call Dr.
Gale Melody to the stand.
We don't know each other, do we? We have never met each other.
-But would that be Dr.
Gale Anne Melody? -Yes.
Yes! Mentok! -That's amazing.
-Sure.
Listen, l already know because l know everything, l'm Mentok the Mind.
That you're not doing anything tonight.
But what are you doing tonight? Objection! Dr.
Melody, you're an audio expert? A ravishing, raven-haired audio expert with tiny, tiny feet.
-ls that correct? -Yes.
Can you tell us what you found when you compared the defendant's song to the plaintiff's? While similar Mochi Mochi and Lovely Lovely are, in 27 fundamental ways, different.
Can you give us a few examples? Your nose is so small, so button-small.
After breaking the two songs down into component parts.
l'll make you travel-size.
use of the pentatonic.
Your witness.
No, she's mine! You've certainly done your homework, Dr.
Melody but tell us, how many cases have you testified in.
To hell with mind-taking, l'm going to take up lip-reading.
Nothing further.
lf it pleases the court, l'd like to make a rather unusual request.
Stirring.
Same song.
Judgment for the plaintiff.
Well, everybody, thanks to our esteemed colleague a happy ending! ''Are you a generous lover?'' l'd like to think l am.
Then you are.
now, with the smash hit.
Hello.
English
Do you trust me, Birdman? -l'm sorry? -l need your trust.
All of it.
Slavish.
On your feet! Very busy at the moment.
Stand there.
Not there.
There! Turn around.
Good.
Now close your eyes and fall back.
l'm right behind you.
When l was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl.
That's it.
Let me cradle you.
She landed flat on her back.
Did you ever know that you're my hero? And then everyone started laughing, because she was fat.
Fall, you bastard! Shoyu Weenie here to see you.
lt's a Japanese band.
Right.
Send it in.
We were just starting to connect.
Shoyu Weenie! What can l do you for? l'm sorry.
l am asking what l, Harvey Birdman can humbly do for you Weenies.
Japanesies.
Aren't you cute? Here's a football.
An American football.
Yo, bird.
Shoyu Weenie.
-You know them? -Sure.
You speak Japanese? l get by.
Good.
Find out why they're here.
And get this one to back up a foot and a half.
Say you'll take the case.
l'll take the case! But first, what just happened? Lady, l need a yank.
Dislocation.
Who is it? Gale Melody, the musicologist.
Thank you for coming here.
My office? Completely bugged.
Here are the.
No one warned me that your feet were so dainty.
The songs look very similar.
So perfectly proportioned.
Hello, little goslings.
And they did neglect to register it worldwide.
Would you care to hear a lieder? Morning, all.
How is every little.
l mean, back off! ln case you're new here, l've got a shrink gun.
-Hello.
-Hear ye, hear ye.
All those with business before this court, step forward and ye shall be heard.
The Right Honorable Mentok presiding.
Was l announced? And now, kicking ass and taking minds Mentok the Mind-Taker! Or was it the other one, the ''now presiding.
''? We were running late, so l just thought, you know, the short one.
Because it's shorter.
Okay.
Yeah.
Bigger one next time, all right? Try the scary one next time.
All right, maybe later.
Yes, it's your ex calling.
l'll put her on mind-waiting, is that all right? And l believe we'll hear from you first.
Why? Because Mentok wills it so! Proceed.
l'd like to call one of the Shoyu Weenies to the stand.
l don't care which one.
Seiko Morimoto.
Before we begin, let me ask you: Seiko, do you have the time? So what? Can't l be jocular? Tell us, Miss Morimoto, the meaning of the lyric: ''Boom boom, baby, with the Shoyu chaser.
''Let me show you, baby, how your candy tastes-a.
'' Want to do Cuban today? Because.
-So, you are a musical group, correct? -Yes.
For God's sake.
You, the shark.
No more from you today, okay? Who writes your music? Someone with something yummy in his tummy? Those guys are going to lose this one.
l'm pretty sure of it.
No, l know it.
And before you answer this next question l'll remind you that you swore on a Bible to tell the truth here today.
So, tell us and God, where the song Lovely Lovely came from.
He'd like to know.
-We don't know.
-Nothing further.
All l'm saying is Shoyu Weenie would get a piece of the royalties and the Neptunes could continue performing it.
Are you wearing cologne? l think Reducto has a date! -Nonsense.
-A Miss Gale, perhaps? -You devil, you.
-Stop it! Fraternizing with a witness.
You could get disbarred.
l don't care.
-l, however, have no conflicts.
-Back off.
-All's fair in love and bouncy-bouncy.
-Back off! l missed you last night at the bar.
The bar where you said you'd meet me.
That bar.
l touched a public phone to call you, and you weren't there! We don't borrow, don't read, don't rent, don't lease we take the mind.
So, in conclusion, we are? -Takers? -Yes! Who's the smartest boy in the court today? Me? Now, Mr.
Reducto Mentok commands you to proceed with your case.
You see? That's taking! That's not asking, that's taking the mind, okay? Your Honor, l'd like to call Dr.
Gale Melody to the stand.
We don't know each other, do we? We have never met each other.
-But would that be Dr.
Gale Anne Melody? -Yes.
Yes! Mentok! -That's amazing.
-Sure.
Listen, l already know because l know everything, l'm Mentok the Mind.
That you're not doing anything tonight.
But what are you doing tonight? Objection! Dr.
Melody, you're an audio expert? A ravishing, raven-haired audio expert with tiny, tiny feet.
-ls that correct? -Yes.
Can you tell us what you found when you compared the defendant's song to the plaintiff's? While similar Mochi Mochi and Lovely Lovely are, in 27 fundamental ways, different.
Can you give us a few examples? Your nose is so small, so button-small.
After breaking the two songs down into component parts.
l'll make you travel-size.
use of the pentatonic.
Your witness.
No, she's mine! You've certainly done your homework, Dr.
Melody but tell us, how many cases have you testified in.
To hell with mind-taking, l'm going to take up lip-reading.
Nothing further.
lf it pleases the court, l'd like to make a rather unusual request.
Stirring.
Same song.
Judgment for the plaintiff.
Well, everybody, thanks to our esteemed colleague a happy ending! ''Are you a generous lover?'' l'd like to think l am.
Then you are.
now, with the smash hit.
Hello.
English