Haters Back Off (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [Miranda singing.]
Come, come, come on and let me out [vocalizing.]
My body's sayin' let's go [vocalizing.]
But my heart is sayin' no If you want to be with me Baby, there's a price to pay I'm a genie in a bottle You got to rub me the right way If you wanna be with me I can make your wish come true Just come and set me [Miranda.]
Oh Mom that is incredible.
[chuckles.]
Really? You like it? Yeah, and I'm surprised because I thought you were gonna ruin it.
But the editing really accentuates my face.
Well, gotta go.
Uncle Jim's tweaking the Five Phase Plan.
[stammering.]
Oh, why Why? Oh, we're trying to get me in the Guinness Book of World Records.
How fast do you think I could skin a pig? [clicks tongue.]
I Why would you do that? I Okay, I have an idea.
What if we do a living room musical? [groans.]
[softly.]
I miss those.
I don't know.
I'm very busy.
Uncle Jim has my schedule packed.
Well, we could do Annie.
Yes, Annie - You always wanted to do Annie.
- Really? But you always said the Annie dress was too revealing.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
I have.
Because now that you've gone through puberty, you are perfect for Annie.
Oh, thank you.
[chuckles.]
- I have blossomed nicely, haven't I? - Yes.
- So, we'll do it? We'll do Annie? - Okay, that's fine.
Come here.
Just Okay, thank you.
Yeah.
[theme music playing.]
Oh, hey, I found a picture of that Frida Kahlo painting we were talking about the other night.
- Huh? - When Keith was over.
[sighs.]
Well, you seemed interested.
Oh, yes.
Right, right.
Okay.
Look.
Isn't her work incredible? I mean, do you see how she's using imagery at the bottom? Yeah, images are good.
Emily, I'm just so excited.
I'm making these programs because Miranda and I are gonna do a living room play.
I mean, won't it be nice to just sort of have, like, a change of pace around here? Don't you think that Five Phase Plan was getting out of hand? What makes you say that, Mom? Was it when Uncle Jim and Patrick dangled half-naked at a gay club? Or when Miranda killed a man, and then ruined his funeral? Will you please support me? I gave up a Rascal scooter for this.
For Pete's sake, Emily.
Gosh.
Well, that was a great discussion on art.
All right, everyone, get ready! 'Cause here comes the incredible, the amazing Annie! - How was that? - Uh, it was okay.
The one note I would have is a little more energy.
"The incredible, the amazing Annie!" The incredible, the amazing Annie! How was that? [door opens.]
- Hi! - Mom! Sorry, I had to work, Miranda.
But I'm home now and we can do the play.
[chuckles.]
What is what is all this? It's the lines for Annie auditions.
[Jim.]
As it turns out, your living room play fits perfectly in with my Five Phase Plan for Fame.
You put it in your Five Phase Plan? Yep, and we're gonna amp up the production value by moving it into the backyard.
Yeah, and we're gonna videotape it and send it to Broadway.
I put an ad on Craigslist.
Actors will be pouring in here any minute now.
No.
No, that's not right, because Miranda always plays all the parts.
I mean, Miranda, do you want him to give your parts to other people? Oh I didn't think about that.
Uncle Jim, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to replace me? - Wait - Yeah, Jim.
Don't put words in her mouth.
Okay, you know what, sweetie? It's okay.
You and I have done this a hundred times, right? And we are just gonna go back to the way things were and we're gonna cancel all these auditions.
- [Miranda.]
Okay.
- [Jim stammers.]
Cancel auditions? Give me the jump rope! Give me the jump rope! Listen [clears throat.]
the auditions are just a formality.
Every director must hold auditions.
Those are union rules.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I get it.
Mom, he's just trying to be professional.
Exactly.
Do you think I'm gonna direct a non-union backyard play? - No way.
- Ew.
Wait, you're directing? I thought I was directing.
[both laughing.]
- You? Let me get this straight.
- What? You thought you were directing? I I did.
I thought I was directing.
- You directing, Mom? - You? You directing? You can barely make a sammich.
[Jim laughing.]
You think It's Bethany.
Your self-image, Bethany.
How you see yourself when you look in the mirror, Bethany.
Oh, can you imagine She looks in the mirror and sees a director.
- That's what she No, you know what? - That is so funny.
I'll tell you what you'd be good at.
Being a producer.
What exactly does a producer do? Look, the important thing is, right now, we get ready for casting.
Okay? Okay, but I'm gonna be involved in casting, right? We'll see about that.
[laughing.]
Directing.
Well, well, well.
This team does not need me.
So, have fun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, respect this! - I put these up here for a reason! - Don't cut the line! Oh! Emily! - How are you even related? - I don't know.
[girl.]
Emily? Kleigh, um, what are you doing here? Same thing you are, I guess.
Was that Craigslist ad insane or what? I had to come check it out.
Yeah, me too.
And do you know what? Now that I have I think we should go study for that bio exam.
What? No.
We have to audition.
Look at this place.
Okay, um, excuse me.
[chuckles.]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, person.
Excuse me.
Hi, nice to meet you.
I just want to let you know that the lead role is off-limits.
No worries.
I'm more of an orphan number three type.
Yeah, I was gonna say.
Well, I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Emily.
Yeah, I know.
I just I recognize you from your videos where you say you're an only child and [gasps.]
Oh, I get it.
'Cause I don't have a sister.
- That's right.
- Excuse me, ma'am! I don't have a sister.
[chuckles.]
No sister for me.
Only child, for sure.
- Huh? - [Jim.]
Okay, everyone, time for the auditions, which will be held in my bedroom.
Here's my headshot.
So - [Miranda clears throat.]
- Hi, sweetie! - [Miranda groans.]
- [Jim.]
Shh.
You'll have to excuse my producer.
She's new to the process.
I can tell.
Hello, my name is Miranda Sings.
I'll be auditioning for the lead role of Annie.
Hmm.
You may begin, Miss Sings.
[sniffles.]
Oh, I'm a beautiful little girl My name is Annie A-A-N-N-I-E A-A-N-N-I-E Oh, Annie, oh, Annie Oh, Annie That's me - Yes.
- [Bethany applauds.]
You got the part.
You got all of the parts.
- Well, she still has her monologue.
- Yeah, Mom.
Everyone knows you have to do a monologue, so stop talking.
- And - Action.
No, that was a test.
I'm glad you didn't move.
And action.
This is just a prop for me, so What's she doing? What's going on there? [sighs.]
Scene.
[humming.]
Ring, ring, ring, ring.
[gasps.]
Hello? [scoffs.]
Are you kidding me, Jerome? How could you say something like that to me? [scoffs.]
No way, José.
Not on my watch.
Click.
- [gasps.]
She hung up on him.
- [gasps.]
Good for you.
[humming.]
- She's driving.
Where's she driving to? - She's driving somewhere.
[humming.]
I am walking.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring! Hello? [groans.]
Not you again.
Are you serious? I've had it up to here with your antics.
[gasps.]
What? - He just broke up with me - [gasps.]
and then hung up the phone.
[sobbing.]
[both.]
Oh, my God.
And right before I was gonna tell him [whispers.]
about the baby.
- [both gasp.]
- Now, what am I going to do? I guess I'll just have to die in the leaves, in the ground.
The worst place to be when you're a lady with a baby.
[sobbing.]
I guess I'll just die.
Jerome - [sobbing.]
- [Jim sobbing.]
- She lost the baby.
- Oh, she lost the baby.
- [applauding.]
- [sighs heavily.]
Scene.
- [sighs.]
- I just I just think you should get all the parts in all of the world.
We'll see.
The cast list will be posted shortly.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Wonderful audit Next! Has Miranda been cast as the lead? We're not at liberty to say.
But, yes, she has.
Well, I'd like to audition for the romantic lead, please.
- [Bethany.]
Oh! - Oh, Daddy Warbucks! Of course.
Okay.
So, in this scene, you promise to find the girl's parents, as long as she'll kiss you in return.
Uh, that's actually not in the script.
I have seen Annie.
[scoffs.]
You clearly don't know the story.
Uh, who's gonna be reading the Annie parts? - I could read it.
- Well, I will clearly, because you don't know the story, - so I'm going to do it.
- But I'm a woman.
I wrote it.
Just watch.
I just I pretend you're Miranda? - Annie.
- Right.
Annie.
Okay.
And you're ready? Yeah, thanks.
And action.
[clears throat and stammering.]
"Annie, you are the most beautiful thing in this whole world.
" I am just an orphan, and I want to find my parents.
Miss Hannigan made me clean the entire orphanage, and I am exhausted.
"I would go to the ends of the earth to find your parents, in the hopes of getting just one kiss from you.
" Oh.
Well, you're in luck, because I have soft orphan lips and I like kissing.
"Uh, my favorite kind.
" [Jim grunting.]
[Bethany claps.]
Okay.
Okay.
That's okay.
- [Jim continues grunting.]
- Can I go now? You can go.
He's a fine actor.
- Next! - So I just figured we can make it look like I'm auditioning, and then this whole thing will be over.
But you just won't cast me.
And don't cast Kleigh either, okay? We'll see about that.
We'll see.
We'll see.
There'll be a casting posted shortly.
But I won't be on it, right? - That's right.
You won't be on it.
- We'll see.
We'll see.
Next! Oh, beautiful For spacious skies For amb [Jim.]
Cut! Next! Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the show I'm gonna have peanuts And Cracker Ja [Jim.]
Enough! Next! - Oh, I'm so happy that I - [Jim.]
Next! There's something about you that's incredibly boring.
Next! You're not an orphan.
Huh? Roderick J.
Pavement.
It's pronounced, "Pave-mon.
" Your 2004 Cooperative Theater Award nominee.
The credits continue on the back.
Hmm.
Just give me a minute to look this over.
Hmm.
How would you describe your acting style? Authentic.
When I act, I make the audience feel what it's like to be human.
- [Jim.]
Hmm.
- [fly unzips.]
Look at all these credits.
- [urinating.]
- Footloose, The Wizard of Oz, Guys and Dolls - Oliver! - [continues urinating.]
Wow, look at that! Love Letters at the County Playhouse.
[chuckles.]
They ought to make a movie out of that one.
Are you peeing on the floor? [chuckles.]
Of course not.
I'm not an animal.
I have a toilet in my bedroom.
- Hmm.
- [toilet flushing.]
[Jim sighs.]
Much better.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you again.
Very impressive résumé.
Here, have a look.
What have I told you about peeing in front of me? - That you don't like it.
- I don't like it! You're willing to dye your hair? Okay.
Attention, everyone.
Um, before I post the cast list, I just want to thank you all for doing your very best.
You'll always have that.
Unfortunately for most of you, all of the parts are going - to my daughter - Congrats, cast members.
I'll see you all at rehearsal tomorrow.
The rest of you Well, you don't have what it takes to be in a production of this caliber.
I'm looking at you, Mel.
- [grunts.]
- [Jim.]
Follow your dreams.
You don't have much time left, Mel.
You can go now.
And everyone else, check out your roles.
What? I only got one part? Is this some kind of joke? Don't worry, Miranda.
You're the only part that matters.
I better be.
[Kleigh.]
I'm an orphan.
I'm a tree.
Amazing.
We are gonna have so much time to dig through this house.
That's great.
Jim, that was not the casting list we agreed on.
I told you Miranda likes to get all the parts.
As her manager, I think I know what Miranda likes better than her mother does.
Well, as a producer, I think I should get a say in casting.
Bethany, I am extremely busy! I am directing a play that is going to Broadway, I have to cancel an order for a dead pig, and I have an inexperienced producer who has no idea what she is doing.
I do too know what I'm doing.
[Patrick.]
Congratulations.
I like your, um What do you call that thing? - Cravat.
- [whispers.]
Oh, cravat.
You know, I was really hoping to get the part.
So if, uh you need an understudy, just let me know.
I haven't missed a show in 37 years of acting.
So, please, be my understudy.
It'll be the greatest waste of time of your life.
[sighs.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
[chuckles.]
[speaking indistinctly.]
Hold the work! Hold the work.
The director is on set.
- The director is on set.
- [all applauding.]
Yes.
Yes.
[clears throat.]
Okay.
Welcome, everybody.
As your director, I will be saying terms such as "action," and "cut" and "hold the work.
" I'll get the best acting out of you by telling you guys to act good.
Because that is how they do it on Broadway.
Yes, Broadway.
Yes.
[sing-song.]
Bravo! Patrick, please lay out the stage.
With the hose.
The hose is the edge of the stage.
Make sure not to kick the hose because that'll change the shape of the stage and it'll be very confusing for both the audience and the actors.
Now, everyone turn to page one.
We don't have scripts.
Uh, back in a jiff.
Oh.
- Oh.
- Is this guy for real? - Well, I'm learning a lot of stage terms.
- [chuckles.]
Okay, who pooped? [scoffs.]
I wish.
[Jim.]
Connie, was it you? My toilet is off-limits.
You have to keep everything inside you at all times, and let's get busy acting.
Okay! Here are the scripts.
All right, everyone.
Let's start with the scene where Annie and Daddy Warbucks first meet.
You guys ready? Come up on stage.
The script looks like the journal from the movie Se7en.
[Jim.]
And action.
Oh, hey, Daddy.
You're looking good.
"Thank you, Annie.
You're not too bad yourself.
I heard you're an orphan.
Just my type.
" Can we take a time out here, please? This script is ludicrous.
Daddy Warbucks is not this girl's love interest.
In this particular script, he is.
Yeah.
So, why don't you just read the lines that are on the page, please, and act good.
He's totally taking me out of it.
You know what? Let's just move on to the next scene, the romantic scene, where Daddy Warbucks and Annie share their first kiss.
There is no such scene in Annie! [scoffs.]
Here we go with this guy again.
And action.
"I would go to the ends of the earth to find your parents, in the hopes of getting just one kiss from you.
" Oh, you like kissing? Well, you're in luck.
I got soft orphan lips.
This musical is absurd, not to mention completely inappropriate.
Are you going to kiss her or not? I most certainly am not! In fact, I'm afraid Roderick J.
Pavement is officially stepping down from this production, shuffling off this mortal coil with my dignity intact.
"All that live must die, passing through nature to eternity.
" And that is the kind of theatrical explosiveness you will be missing out on.
- Good day! - Good day! - Good day! - Good day to you! Jim, you're doing the rehearsal without me? I said I work until 5:00.
Well, whose fault is that? You're the one who chose to have a job, Bethany.
That shows a real lack of commitment.
Mom, Daddy Warbucks just quit and we were gonna send this to Broadway.
Now what am I gonna do? If she would have played all the roles, we wouldn't have this problem.
You know what? I'll be the hero.
I'll play Daddy Warbucks.
Understudy Understudy's ready.
[stammering.]
I'm the understudy, and I already know all the lines, so Okay, well, it's gonna be hard for you to beat the chemistry I have with Uncle Jim, but you can try.
See, it all worked out fine, Bethany.
Well, um, actually maybe someone else would like to quit.
Because, I am gonna do my own production of Annie right now in the living room.
I just need someone who'll play every single role.
Who's with me? No, I don't want you.
I'm not even looking at you.
Ugh! [grunts.]
All right.
Let's start with the choreography, people.
Everyone up on stage.
Now, it's very important that the moves come from your core.
The lap area is key.
You need to dance from your lap.
One second.
- [upbeat music playing.]
- Oh, ho, ho! We're gonna present the hip! Present the hip! Yeah, present the hip.
That's it.
It's like you're showing your hip to someone who's never seen a hip before.
That's right.
Do it like Miranda.
Yes, you gotta No! You gotta have a looser hip.
Loose hips.
Loose hips.
It's somebody's birthday, and you're presenting your hip.
"Happy birthday! Here's my hip.
" Point attack.
Point attack.
Like you're attacking with your toe and your finger.
Run, point attack.
Run, point attack.
Really use your lap.
Feel like a [panting.]
like a 300-pound dancer is sitting on your lap.
And bobble, bobble, bobble.
Bobble, bobble, bobble.
Okay.
Cut, cut! Stop! I can't concentrate.
They are terrible, Uncle Jim! How am I to get to Broadway if they can't even do the bobblehead? They're completely messing up my lap dance.
Miranda, you're right, okay? When you were doing it, it felt great.
But then they came in and they made it all floppy.
Just, everyone, take five! [toilet flushing.]
[faucet running.]
- Kleigh, what are you doing? - Shh.
How weird is this? Uh, why don't we just put back the daddy saddle, and go back outside to "Daddy saddle"? How'd you know what this is? [footsteps approaching.]
Oh, there you are.
[sighs.]
Rehearsal's over and you missed the finale.
I really could've used the trees! You better not be late tomorrow.
We're starting with the scene where Annie murders the dog.
[Miranda imitates crying.]
Oh, I'm a orphan.
I'm on the streets, and I'm a orphan.
- My dog always tells me that - Cut! Miranda, your dog Sandy is supposed to be next to you.
I don't believe there's a dog there at all.
I feel like, as a director, I'm not giving you what you need as an actor.
Which is a dog.
So [barking.]
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
Look, I finished your Annie costume.
These stitches were tricky 'cause the sleeves were Bethany! We are going to Broadway.
So, our costumes have to be professional.
We got them from Party City.
Yeah, check it out.
Oh, my God! It's so short.
What? But you said I was ready for this, 'cause I went through puberty and I blossomed.
Bethany, why are you trying to cover up her blossom? Okay, I can't have you out here upsetting my cast members.
Well, how dare you put her in that dress? - [sniffing.]
- It's just short and inappropriate.
[Jim.]
Okay, someone pooped out here.
Was it Emily? It smells like Emily.
[stammers.]
What? No! Well, it wasn't me.
I tried to go earlier but I had to clench, because Emily clogged the toilet.
Okay, Bethany, while you're putting that away, please deal with the toilet.
There's a plunger by my bed.
No, I won't, Jim.
I think you should plunge it yourself.
[inhales sharply.]
How dare you! Can't you see I am busy? I am a director.
You aren't doing anything.
You're a producer.
You know what? You're right.
I will plunge it.
Okay? Okay, good.
Okay, my apologies.
I'm gonna go plunge the toilet.
Okay.
Okay, back to one.
[Bethany.]
Yes.
Well, thank you so much for returning my call.
Um, as I said, I do not know a lot about toilets.
But I know that one was installed incorrectly in my home.
Yes.
Yes.
[stammers.]
It is definitely an emergency.
Uh-huh, I think you should come over and look at it right away.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much.
Well, you have a good day.
Okay.
Okay, this is where Daddy tells Annie he found her parents and they kiss.
And, trees, just continue being trees.
Okay.
And action.
I would go to the ends of the earth to find your parents, in the hopes of getting just one kiss from you.
Oh, you like kissing? Well, you're in luck, 'cause I got soft orphan lips.
- My favorite kind.
- [cell phone vibrating.]
[Jim.]
And freeze! [Jim clears throat.]
[cell phone continues vibrating.]
[sniffles.]
Hello? Oh, yes, I need to cancel that order.
I won't need a dead pig anymore.
I am going to Broadway.
As a matter of fact, did you know [Jim's voice fades.]
[Jim sighs.]
Okay, where were we? - [softly.]
The kiss - [Jim.]
Oh, yeah.
Let's just save that for the performance.
And cut.
[door opens.]
Hey! What are you doing in my bedroom? He's here to help me fix the toilet.
Bethany, what are you thinking calling a licensed plumber over here? I'm very concerned about the plumbing in your bedroom.
Whoever put it in did a total hack job.
How dare you! How many garbage can septic tanks have you installed? [sniffing.]
Your toilet appears to be draining into your yard.
This is raw sewage.
- So we're standing in poop? - Emily! You need to evacuate this area immediately.
[all groaning.]
No! No, wait! Everyone, wait! The show must go on! We are sending this to Broadway! Mom, how could you do this to me? I've always wanted to play Annie on Broadway, and you've ruined it! Me? But this is your uncle's fault.
I mean, we've had poop piling up for years.
But that was fine, because it was just contained to us.
But then he had to go start this Five Phase Plan, Miranda, and and then he brought all of this random poop.
And he mixed it with our poop, and then It's just too much for the yard to take! The yard can't handle it, and the poop is coming up to the surface, and everyone can see our poop.
And that's why we just need to go back to the way things were! Because otherwise we've just been dealing with all of this poop - all these years for nothing! - Mom, stop! "Mom"? Let's go! Everyone, out! Uh Miranda, we can still do the play, just you and me.
What? Annie with just you and me? That would make no sense.
Who would be the trees, Patrick? You can't do Annie without trees.
Why didn't you tell me? Just leave me alone.
[Kleigh sighs.]
We'll clean this up and have everyone back here soon! [Miranda singing.]
I'm a little girl with the curly hairs From my head to my toe It's a girly hair day Oh, who is that I see? It's Daddy Warbucks, Warbucks He is my love But what about the dog? I'll kill it