Heading Out (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
Oh, it's beautiful.
It reminds me of my parents' house.
But without the police tape.
I can't do this.
You have to! You need a practice run.
You can't practise coming out.
You can't simulate the pressure of that one awful moment! A trial coming out to my parents is the next best thing.
They're so nuts.
I have no idea how they'll react.
You could be hugged to death or thrown from a chimney.
Does that happen often? Not really.
It hasn't happened for months.
Come on.
Am I the only one who didn't get the dress like Downton memo? Well, I like to make an effort.
Gosh! Look at that lovely timbering.
SCREAMING HUBBUB Doodlebug! Bumble! BOTH LAUGH Ok, so it's genetic.
- Meet the gang! - Oh, welcome.
Make yourselves at home.
Me casa, su casa.
Me Justine, he Jamie.
- I'm Sara.
Hi.
- Lovely to meet you.
Right, come in! Come in! GUNSHO Oh, that'll be Humphrey getting dinner.
Bless him.
Terrible, terrible shot.
We ate seagull last night.
And I swear that was the neighbour's cat we roasted on Boxing Day.
Right, follow me, everyone.
I'll give you the quick spiel here.
Erm the house was built in 1521.
The walls are oak panelled.
Over here on your left is the armoury, which houses the sword that was used to decapitate Lord Sevenoaks.
Out there is the orangery, the finest in England, overlooking 100 acres of parkland.
Now that is the speech we do for our local visitors, obviously, there's an alternative for our American guests.
- Do it! - Doodle, you do it.
Go on.
You know it.
You know it.
SHE SIGHS This house has stood here since time.
Dinosaurs roamed this very banqueting hall.
So, why not buy a special commemorative triceratops from the gift shop second on the left? - Bravo! - Yes, very good.
You're a natural.
So proud of you.
You'll be doing this on your own one day, Doodle.
Well, I'll probably just turn it into a theme park by then.
Never! SHE LAUGHS "Caedite Eos.
" Kill Them All! Family motto since we were betrayed at the Battle of Epsom.
- Noodle! - Thumper! Ohh! The prodigal returns.
Mmm! Hello, all.
Welcome.
Did you manage to kill something for supper, darling? Bagged either a very old squirrel or an acrobatic rat.
Not sure which one.
The dog's gone to fetch it.
- Either way, smother it in spices.
- Right.
- I'll make a salad.
- Yuck! Name me one person in the history of gastronomy who's been roused by the phrase, "I'll just toss some leaves.
" I always remember what Pop said about greenery "Bloody waste of time!" And he should know, he lived till he was nearly 50.
ALL LAUGH I will make a salad.
I could hear strangers.
Humphrey, fetch me my crossbow.
Don't worry, Soz, Toria's brought home some friends, that's all.
Don't just stand there, come over here.
Bloody eyes have gone! I need you close up.
Let's have a feel.
HE LAUGHS Humphrey, do you know what the problem is with children today? No heft.
Christine, shall we go to the car and get the ret of the bags? No, I want Sozzie to feel MY heft.
Trust me, you don't.
- Hello.
I I'm Sara.
Nice to meet you.
- What is it? - I can't sex it from over there.
- Hello, I'm Sara.
I'm Toria's friend.
- I can't hear you! - Right, shall we sort out some drinks? Gin! Shall I fix some cocktails? I don't think this lot could handle any of your drinks, Daddy.
Gin! Now, I call this one the Haymaker.
- Because it - ALL: Knocks you out after the fourth round! ALL LAUGH - And this is the Tiger Woods.
- Because it keeps on coming.
SHE LAUGHS - Because you'll see birdies.
- Of course.
You need to note those recipes, Toria.
You'll be the one welcoming the guests here soon enough.
Yes.
It'll be me getting everyone so drunk that they don't notice that the mice have eaten their pillows.
Right, Noodle, I'll show you the Eamonn Holmes.
- So, three parts syrup - Yes.
- Honey? - No, some bitters.
There we go.
- Oh, lovely and fizzy.
- Yes! - Right now, I take that - I do so hate it when Humphrey's on the sauce.
He'll want sexy times later.
And I've got to get up first thing to do a tray bake for the village fete.
Last thing I need is to be up all night doing the wheelbarrow.
Hey-ho! Can't tell you how nice it is to have some of Toria's friends here.
I think we're going to get on famously, Plop.
Do you mind if I call you Plop? It's just I think "Sara" makes you sound so strict.
And you can call me Bumble.
Great.
Bumble.
So Plop.
Tell me all about yourself.
Are you married? Erm no.
Oh, got a boyfriend? Must be some lovely big, munchy bloke somewhere, isn't there? - No.
No munchy man.
No.
But you're so nice.
Humphrey, Plop doesn't have a boyfriend.
Who? Who doesn't have a boyfriend? That one? - What's wrong with you? - Is it your bladder? My friend Hermione has that problem.
She said that cranberry juice was the thing that helped her.
Have you been in prison? Are you a convict? Is that what it is? Humphrey, get me my crossbow! - Listen, the thing is - Why haven't you got a boyfriend, Plop? - Why haven't you got a boyfriend? - Where's your boyfriend? - Have you got a boyfriend? Or not? - No, I haven't got a boyfriend.
- Where's your boyfriend? - Because I'm gay! Did I actually say that out loud? Did that come out of my mouth aloud? Did ? Oh, God! That was awful.
SHE GASPS Oh, my darlings! Oh, I see! - Oh, that's marvellous news.
- Hurrah! Hurrah! I'm so happy for you both.
- No, we no.
- Toria, you're a dark horse.
Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you, little sweet pea.
- Wonderful news.
- Oh, ok! Those decades of indiscriminate sleeping around with men were just a smokescreen.
Wonderful.
- Should I fire the cannon? - No.
No, let's have a toast.
To Toria and Plop.
- To the gays.
- The gays! - Hey! Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Sozzie.
- I'm Sara.
Have you got a boyfriend? Here you go, Humph.
Not quite sure what it is.
Actually, that's a weasel.
Now then, didn't know what to get you gals but I've read up on it and apparently you lot like leaves.
Lentils? Never made it before so here's hoping.
There.
Now, then, more wine? Red? White? Real ale for you, Sara? I've got some Naughty Roger in the fridge.
Actually, I'm just going to stick with this.
That's great, thanks.
- How long have these two been together? - Well - I'm furious with you.
- Why? You never told me about you and Toria.
- What are you talking about?! - Now, what I've always wondered - is how you have sex? - Yes! Listened to a programme on Radio 4 about it once, but I'm none the wiser.
Care to illuminate? - Oh, it doesn't really work like the offside rule.
- Oh, go on, show us.
- Do! I've always wanted to know.
- Yes, come on, Plop.
So Sally Salt, Pauline Pepper.
We're all ears.
TICKING So, to get the ball rolling, work the turmeric, keep an eye on the parsley, if you're feeling filthy, why not have a go at the dill? And basically, keep going for around 15 minutes or if you know them really well, it probably only takes two.
And then Bob's your uncle.
CLATTERING - No, still not got it.
- No, me neither, but bless you for trying.
- Hello.
Are you married? - Oh, God! Not again.
No, I'm not.
No.
Do you have a boyfriend? - You must have a boyfriend? - No, I don't! Why, what's wrong with you? Lovely wine, Humphrey.
- Oh, are you a connaisseur? - Oh, yes, very much so.
- Acidic tones with a hostile finish.
- Shut up.
Enjoy your lentils.
- Why don't I give you a little tour of our cellar? - Love to.
- Justine? - Great.
Should I take my wine with me - or will we be able to get some down there? - Yes, yes.
Hello.
I'm Sozzie.
Oh, God! This is Groundhog Gay! ELECTRICITY FIZZES Francis, intruder! Fetch me a rifle! - No, don't panic, Mummy, it's just a powercut.
- Oh! Oh, is it one of those you-haven't-paid-the-bill kind of powercuts, Mummy? Electricity is very expensive.
Come on, you two, it's getting very late.
Let me show you up to your room.
Room? Did she say room? As in one room? So here they all are.
Sorry it's a bit chilly but got to keep the blighters in good order.
Oh, this is incredible.
I've never been in a wine dungeon before.
Francis is on at me to sell this lot but I just can't.
They're my pride and joys.
Like this one.
1802, Chambertin Grand Cru, the wine that gave the Empress Josephine her headache.
And this is the tipple that sent the architect of the Leaning Tower of Pisa giddy.
But this this is the peak of my collection! The most valuable of all.
The legendary Piper-Heidsieck Cru American champagne rescued from the Titanic.
Quick question.
Would it harm the wine at all if we just gave the bottle a little wipe? - Which ones can we drink? - Oh, anything on that side.
There's a couple of lovely Burgundies and a spanking Margo.
Hang on.
Oh, darned it! Left my bottle opener up there.
Back in a moment.
Right, well, just so you know, I do tend to get a tad grabby in my sleep.
Might latch on a little.
Excuse me.
Don't worry.
Are you decent or have you got to the turmeric part yet? - SHE LAUGHS - Oh, very good.
Very good.
Listen, don't stop getting undressed just because of me.
These old peepers have seen much worse that you two.
Much worse! Just thought I'd throw this over you.
There we go.
Not that you'll need it, you'll be generating your own heat.
ALL LAUGH Look at you two lovely little snuggle bunnies in there.
Don't you look lovely? Good night, Doodle.
- BOTH: Mmm! Good night, Plop.
- BOTH: Mmm! Always did want a second daughter.
- SHE CHUCKLES - Marvellous! Marvellous! There we go.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Meant to bring you these manacles.
I just don't know if you want to use them at all.
Humphrey and I don't use them any more cos he's got gout.
I've got some leg irons if you're at all interested.
As you were.
As you were.
Good night, old bean.
And, remember, what happens in the four poster, stays in the four poster.
OWL HOOTS HE SIGHS HE SIGHS HEAVILY - HE SIGHS - The door is locked.
We need a bottle opener.
Oh, this is like torture! - Tell me about it.
I could just - I could knock one over.
You know just accidentally.
Then lick it off the floor like an alcoholic puppy? No, no, we should wait.
Oh, look at this! Look, we could use this as a bottle opener.
Christine, this is not the place to play Highlander.
Sabarage, a Napoleonic cork-opening technique.
- Where did you learn that? - Saw it on Horrible Histories.
Ok.
Pass us a bottle.
A cheap one.
That's white, German, made by nuns.
Oh.
Ok.
I love the fact that you know how to do all this complex stuff and yet you've got no clue about the basics, the capital city of Sweden.
Who needs to know about Santiago, when you can do this? SHE LAUGHS SNORING OWL HOOTS Are you awake? Yes.
Thought so.
Yeah.
Only YOU could snore when you're wide awake.
I've got sinuses like cheese string.
Sorry.
Why didn't you tell your mum we weren't together? There's no point.
She only hears what she wants to hear, that's what 16 generations of living in your own world does to you.
Well, that'll be you soon.
Oh, gosh, no! I've made a life for myself elsewhere now.
So why don't you tell her? Believe me, I've tried.
But you can see what she's like, she does not listen! Besides, this place is everything to them.
The idea that I've got a job, that I live in the city for good, the disappointment would kill them.
They're your parents, they love you.
If they're half as decent as I think they are, then they'll be delighted that you're doing what you want with your life.
Do you want my profession opinion? I think you make light of difficult situations and you should opt for honesty rather than a punchline.
Make her listen.
And that'll be 50 quid.
SHE LAUGHS Come on, let's have a Sumatran healing tussle.
THUDDING WOMAN SCREAMS - What the hell was that?! - It's happening! - What? W w what's happening? - She's here! - Who's here? - She is! - She's she's ? - She's the woman in black? Woman in white? Woman in beige? Lady in red? She's at the end of the corridor! She's been haunting us since my childhood! Help me! All right, what does she do, this ghost? She whispers! She whispers? - What, like a paranormal librarian? - She walks the house at night.
- Oooh! - SHE GASPS - WOMAN SCREAMS - She's here! - # Ringa-ringa roses# - What are you doing?! You're totally freaking me out! How would you like it if I sat bolt upright and started singing Baa Baa Blacksheep like a psychotic toddler?! - # We all fall down! # - She's coming for me! - WOMAN LAUGHS - She's coming for me! This is utterly ridiculous! BOTH SCREAM Get a grip! I'm a woman of science, I wear latex gloves, there's no such thing as ghosts.
HE SNORES HE SIGHS HEAVILY CORK POPS WOMAN LAUGHS - I think you've mastered that technique now.
- Yeah, it's persistence.
You know, I want to sweep up.
Only I can't move my arms.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
- We've done this one.
- Have we? - Yeah, it's wine.
- Well done! I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
We've done that, as well.
It's bottles.
You're really good at this.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
- For God's sake! It's wine! - No.
W why are you not in a relationship? Oh.
The answer is because I'm picky.
Good answer.
I spy something beginning with H.
- I give up.
- How come you're not in a relationship, either? Well, I have very specific tastes.
So it's I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
No! - Toria? - Yes.
I need a wee! - You can't leave.
You can't leave me! - Don't be silly, I'm busting! - You can't leave me! - Look, just tell me where it is, I'll be back in a second.
All right.
It's out that door, turn left, left again, then third on the left.
Ok.
All right.
Sara? - Yes.
- Be careful.
Or what, I'll get whispered to death? SHE WHISPERS EERILY SHE BLOWS RAPSBERRY WIND HOWLS SHE GASPS Oh! SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! Stop stop being ridiculous! Ok.
Oh, God! Oh! Thank you! Ohh! SHE WHIMPERS There we are.
TRICKLING SHE SIGHS SHE GROANS SHE SIGHS Please tell me I'm not pissing in your wardrobe! One good thing about the ruling classes, we're not embarrassed about anything.
Last time he was here, the Duke of Sussex was found nut-deep in our favourite heifer.
Didn't bat an eyelid.
Ah, yes.
Ok.
We probably need to get rid of that, shall we? Hmm.
Hmm.
You really need to rehydrate.
- That's like gravy.
- Oh.
SNORING I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs! Those are my legs! Get off them! - Where's your shirt? - I don't know.
Why are your pants hanging off the wine rack? I don't know.
Why are your flies undone? Ok, let's not panic.
There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- I'm pregnant! - Oh, God! What are we going to do? I'm going to keep it and I'm going to call it Burgundy.
Oh, shut up! Look what we did.
We drank it.
We drank his Titanic booze.
Oh, how could we do that?! Oh! It's starting again! I've got to get out of here! - Somebody might be hurt in there.
- Well, you can deal with it.
- I'm heading back to the room.
- What?! Are you nuts?! Haven't you seen any horror films? We can't split up or Whispering Winnie will have you then get one of her mates to pick me off.
Come on.
We're in this together.
Have you seen Blair Witch Project? Nightmare On Elm Street? Poltergeist? Well, nobody gets it with a pot of hot piss in their hands.
Come on.
- It's our lucky talisman.
- SHE SIGHS WOMAN SCREAMS Help! I'm I'm with child! And I'm pregnant! I'm I'm a drunk pregnant woman and I'm locked in a cave with only champagne to feed our baby! GHOSTLY NOISES Sozzie! What are you doing?! - WHIRRING - She's running the show.
We have to power shower her where the sun doesn't shine every morning, Sozzie can't run anything.
I'm coming in and I have a catapult! What are you doing in here, darlings? I really need to know what is going on.
We were going to tell you, honestly, it's just I couldn't find the right time.
You know this place has been falling to bits.
We thought this was the best way to inject some cash.
- So you let people think it was haunted? - We make a living out of it.
Can't get Yvette Fielding and her lot out of here.
- You let me think it was haunted.
- I see dead people! Not now, Mummy.
I haven't slept properly since 1976.
Everyone I've ever slept with has had to share the bed with over 50 lucky teddies.
- I keep a bayonet down my panties.
- Oh, that's what it was! What can I say? It's a family business.
I do the whispering.
She does a lovely whisper.
Really chills the marrow.
SHE WARBLES CREEPILY Humph has the hardest job.
I'm on sticking-hand-up-through freshly-dug-grave-duty.
- Do you have a boyfriend? - What about poor Sozzie? - How could you do it to her? - Doodle, it was her idea.
She's obsessed.
She can't stop doing it.
Even when we're on our own.
I told you, there's no such thing as ghosts.
THUDDING - Why are you holding a sword? - Why have you got a stuffed bird? Why are your flies undone? I'm pregnant! - What are we going to do? - I don't know.
I'm buying another bottle of Chateau Neuf de Titanic I guess.
- I meant about us, about last night.
- Oh, that! Listen, it turns out that I confused being pregnant with being pissed.
I won't make that mistake again.
We were just drunk.
- It doesn't have to mean anything, does it? - No, no, no.
- Course not.
Just drunk.
- Pissed.
- Hello.
Morning.
- Are you married? No, Sozzie, not married and, before you ask, I don't have a boyfriend, either.
Oh.
In fact, I'm never going to have a boyfriend because I'm GAY-Y-Y! And when my parents come next week to visit me, I'm going to hold them by the hand like I'm holding you, look them in their eyes like I'm looking in your eyes and tell them exactly that.
- Probably without the shouting bit.
- How lovely.
Who are you? - The pot, where is it? - Oh, I think it's on the landing where I left it.
I should go and get it, shouldn't it? It's got my piss in it.
- Don't worry, the dogs'll drink it.
- I'll go and get it.
You distract her, ok? - Better still, why don't you tell her? - Oh What would the Mayans do, eh? Come on.
- Mum? - Yes, darling.
There's something I need to tell you.
It's going to be hard for you to hear but I want you to try and understand.
- Of course, darling.
- Mum, I'm employed.
That's wonderful.
Would you like marmalade? No, I don't want marmalade.
You're not listening to me.
I've got a job.
- A job! - A job.
Something for me.
Something of my very own.
So I won't be coming back and running this place.
I know that must come as the most awful shock, but I needed to tell you.
- But we've never had a JOB in the family.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- Does this JOB make you happy? - Yes.
- Very, very much.
- Well, then, I'm happy for you.
Do you want me to tell Daddy? Sorry about that lock-in, son.
The trouble with this age is you're only a second away from a coma.
Talking of which, about your cellar What the hell are you doing with that old crock? Oh uh, it's a very essential part of my exercise routine.
- Sort of cardio vase-cular.
- You young gay city types are a bloody mystery.
- You really are.
- Can I take a look at that? God, look at this porcelain.
- Can I ask where you got it from? - Don't know.
Mummy? Grangrumps.
Bought it off a Chinaman in the opium wars.
- That's all I know.
- Where's it been all this time? Oh, well Great-uncle Fudge used to prick out his tomatoes and it, I think, and Netty lent it to the housekeeper to wash down the steps.
We used to use it as a crash helmet when we went cycling.
I used it to keep my tennis rackets in.
Nanny Loops used to smash it against the wall to let us know it was suppertime.
And we've toilet-trained five generations of field spaniels in it.
- Apart from that, nothing.
- Why? Firstly, if you look at the thick glaze on the porcelain, the size and weight MUSIC: THEME FROM "Antiques Roadshow" the trace of the classic cobalt blue and white colouring on the vase itself Ah, there you have it, clear as day.
The tell-tale call markings on the Yuan Dynasty around 13th century.
So, value.
How much do you think it's worth? - We hadn't really thought about value.
- No.
It's a cherished family heirloom.
We wouldn't be thinking of selling it.
If you were to take it to auction, considering its poor condition, I'd estimate conservatively, you'd expect to get around £2-£3 million.
Humph, call Christies.
Mummy, we're not in the haunting business any more.
MUSIC: THEME FROM "Antiques Roadshow" - Do come again.
- We'll get some condiments in.
- You can explain that sex thing again.
Still not got it.
- Ok, Humph.
Hello.
Who ? Gay.
Goodbye.
Bye, Bubble.
Bye, Thumper.
- I'm sorry we broke your wine.
- I'm sorry I peed in your porcelain.
THEY LAUGH Right, now then CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS
It reminds me of my parents' house.
But without the police tape.
I can't do this.
You have to! You need a practice run.
You can't practise coming out.
You can't simulate the pressure of that one awful moment! A trial coming out to my parents is the next best thing.
They're so nuts.
I have no idea how they'll react.
You could be hugged to death or thrown from a chimney.
Does that happen often? Not really.
It hasn't happened for months.
Come on.
Am I the only one who didn't get the dress like Downton memo? Well, I like to make an effort.
Gosh! Look at that lovely timbering.
SCREAMING HUBBUB Doodlebug! Bumble! BOTH LAUGH Ok, so it's genetic.
- Meet the gang! - Oh, welcome.
Make yourselves at home.
Me casa, su casa.
Me Justine, he Jamie.
- I'm Sara.
Hi.
- Lovely to meet you.
Right, come in! Come in! GUNSHO Oh, that'll be Humphrey getting dinner.
Bless him.
Terrible, terrible shot.
We ate seagull last night.
And I swear that was the neighbour's cat we roasted on Boxing Day.
Right, follow me, everyone.
I'll give you the quick spiel here.
Erm the house was built in 1521.
The walls are oak panelled.
Over here on your left is the armoury, which houses the sword that was used to decapitate Lord Sevenoaks.
Out there is the orangery, the finest in England, overlooking 100 acres of parkland.
Now that is the speech we do for our local visitors, obviously, there's an alternative for our American guests.
- Do it! - Doodle, you do it.
Go on.
You know it.
You know it.
SHE SIGHS This house has stood here since time.
Dinosaurs roamed this very banqueting hall.
So, why not buy a special commemorative triceratops from the gift shop second on the left? - Bravo! - Yes, very good.
You're a natural.
So proud of you.
You'll be doing this on your own one day, Doodle.
Well, I'll probably just turn it into a theme park by then.
Never! SHE LAUGHS "Caedite Eos.
" Kill Them All! Family motto since we were betrayed at the Battle of Epsom.
- Noodle! - Thumper! Ohh! The prodigal returns.
Mmm! Hello, all.
Welcome.
Did you manage to kill something for supper, darling? Bagged either a very old squirrel or an acrobatic rat.
Not sure which one.
The dog's gone to fetch it.
- Either way, smother it in spices.
- Right.
- I'll make a salad.
- Yuck! Name me one person in the history of gastronomy who's been roused by the phrase, "I'll just toss some leaves.
" I always remember what Pop said about greenery "Bloody waste of time!" And he should know, he lived till he was nearly 50.
ALL LAUGH I will make a salad.
I could hear strangers.
Humphrey, fetch me my crossbow.
Don't worry, Soz, Toria's brought home some friends, that's all.
Don't just stand there, come over here.
Bloody eyes have gone! I need you close up.
Let's have a feel.
HE LAUGHS Humphrey, do you know what the problem is with children today? No heft.
Christine, shall we go to the car and get the ret of the bags? No, I want Sozzie to feel MY heft.
Trust me, you don't.
- Hello.
I I'm Sara.
Nice to meet you.
- What is it? - I can't sex it from over there.
- Hello, I'm Sara.
I'm Toria's friend.
- I can't hear you! - Right, shall we sort out some drinks? Gin! Shall I fix some cocktails? I don't think this lot could handle any of your drinks, Daddy.
Gin! Now, I call this one the Haymaker.
- Because it - ALL: Knocks you out after the fourth round! ALL LAUGH - And this is the Tiger Woods.
- Because it keeps on coming.
SHE LAUGHS - Because you'll see birdies.
- Of course.
You need to note those recipes, Toria.
You'll be the one welcoming the guests here soon enough.
Yes.
It'll be me getting everyone so drunk that they don't notice that the mice have eaten their pillows.
Right, Noodle, I'll show you the Eamonn Holmes.
- So, three parts syrup - Yes.
- Honey? - No, some bitters.
There we go.
- Oh, lovely and fizzy.
- Yes! - Right now, I take that - I do so hate it when Humphrey's on the sauce.
He'll want sexy times later.
And I've got to get up first thing to do a tray bake for the village fete.
Last thing I need is to be up all night doing the wheelbarrow.
Hey-ho! Can't tell you how nice it is to have some of Toria's friends here.
I think we're going to get on famously, Plop.
Do you mind if I call you Plop? It's just I think "Sara" makes you sound so strict.
And you can call me Bumble.
Great.
Bumble.
So Plop.
Tell me all about yourself.
Are you married? Erm no.
Oh, got a boyfriend? Must be some lovely big, munchy bloke somewhere, isn't there? - No.
No munchy man.
No.
But you're so nice.
Humphrey, Plop doesn't have a boyfriend.
Who? Who doesn't have a boyfriend? That one? - What's wrong with you? - Is it your bladder? My friend Hermione has that problem.
She said that cranberry juice was the thing that helped her.
Have you been in prison? Are you a convict? Is that what it is? Humphrey, get me my crossbow! - Listen, the thing is - Why haven't you got a boyfriend, Plop? - Why haven't you got a boyfriend? - Where's your boyfriend? - Have you got a boyfriend? Or not? - No, I haven't got a boyfriend.
- Where's your boyfriend? - Because I'm gay! Did I actually say that out loud? Did that come out of my mouth aloud? Did ? Oh, God! That was awful.
SHE GASPS Oh, my darlings! Oh, I see! - Oh, that's marvellous news.
- Hurrah! Hurrah! I'm so happy for you both.
- No, we no.
- Toria, you're a dark horse.
Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you, little sweet pea.
- Wonderful news.
- Oh, ok! Those decades of indiscriminate sleeping around with men were just a smokescreen.
Wonderful.
- Should I fire the cannon? - No.
No, let's have a toast.
To Toria and Plop.
- To the gays.
- The gays! - Hey! Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Sozzie.
- I'm Sara.
Have you got a boyfriend? Here you go, Humph.
Not quite sure what it is.
Actually, that's a weasel.
Now then, didn't know what to get you gals but I've read up on it and apparently you lot like leaves.
Lentils? Never made it before so here's hoping.
There.
Now, then, more wine? Red? White? Real ale for you, Sara? I've got some Naughty Roger in the fridge.
Actually, I'm just going to stick with this.
That's great, thanks.
- How long have these two been together? - Well - I'm furious with you.
- Why? You never told me about you and Toria.
- What are you talking about?! - Now, what I've always wondered - is how you have sex? - Yes! Listened to a programme on Radio 4 about it once, but I'm none the wiser.
Care to illuminate? - Oh, it doesn't really work like the offside rule.
- Oh, go on, show us.
- Do! I've always wanted to know.
- Yes, come on, Plop.
So Sally Salt, Pauline Pepper.
We're all ears.
TICKING So, to get the ball rolling, work the turmeric, keep an eye on the parsley, if you're feeling filthy, why not have a go at the dill? And basically, keep going for around 15 minutes or if you know them really well, it probably only takes two.
And then Bob's your uncle.
CLATTERING - No, still not got it.
- No, me neither, but bless you for trying.
- Hello.
Are you married? - Oh, God! Not again.
No, I'm not.
No.
Do you have a boyfriend? - You must have a boyfriend? - No, I don't! Why, what's wrong with you? Lovely wine, Humphrey.
- Oh, are you a connaisseur? - Oh, yes, very much so.
- Acidic tones with a hostile finish.
- Shut up.
Enjoy your lentils.
- Why don't I give you a little tour of our cellar? - Love to.
- Justine? - Great.
Should I take my wine with me - or will we be able to get some down there? - Yes, yes.
Hello.
I'm Sozzie.
Oh, God! This is Groundhog Gay! ELECTRICITY FIZZES Francis, intruder! Fetch me a rifle! - No, don't panic, Mummy, it's just a powercut.
- Oh! Oh, is it one of those you-haven't-paid-the-bill kind of powercuts, Mummy? Electricity is very expensive.
Come on, you two, it's getting very late.
Let me show you up to your room.
Room? Did she say room? As in one room? So here they all are.
Sorry it's a bit chilly but got to keep the blighters in good order.
Oh, this is incredible.
I've never been in a wine dungeon before.
Francis is on at me to sell this lot but I just can't.
They're my pride and joys.
Like this one.
1802, Chambertin Grand Cru, the wine that gave the Empress Josephine her headache.
And this is the tipple that sent the architect of the Leaning Tower of Pisa giddy.
But this this is the peak of my collection! The most valuable of all.
The legendary Piper-Heidsieck Cru American champagne rescued from the Titanic.
Quick question.
Would it harm the wine at all if we just gave the bottle a little wipe? - Which ones can we drink? - Oh, anything on that side.
There's a couple of lovely Burgundies and a spanking Margo.
Hang on.
Oh, darned it! Left my bottle opener up there.
Back in a moment.
Right, well, just so you know, I do tend to get a tad grabby in my sleep.
Might latch on a little.
Excuse me.
Don't worry.
Are you decent or have you got to the turmeric part yet? - SHE LAUGHS - Oh, very good.
Very good.
Listen, don't stop getting undressed just because of me.
These old peepers have seen much worse that you two.
Much worse! Just thought I'd throw this over you.
There we go.
Not that you'll need it, you'll be generating your own heat.
ALL LAUGH Look at you two lovely little snuggle bunnies in there.
Don't you look lovely? Good night, Doodle.
- BOTH: Mmm! Good night, Plop.
- BOTH: Mmm! Always did want a second daughter.
- SHE CHUCKLES - Marvellous! Marvellous! There we go.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Meant to bring you these manacles.
I just don't know if you want to use them at all.
Humphrey and I don't use them any more cos he's got gout.
I've got some leg irons if you're at all interested.
As you were.
As you were.
Good night, old bean.
And, remember, what happens in the four poster, stays in the four poster.
OWL HOOTS HE SIGHS HE SIGHS HEAVILY - HE SIGHS - The door is locked.
We need a bottle opener.
Oh, this is like torture! - Tell me about it.
I could just - I could knock one over.
You know just accidentally.
Then lick it off the floor like an alcoholic puppy? No, no, we should wait.
Oh, look at this! Look, we could use this as a bottle opener.
Christine, this is not the place to play Highlander.
Sabarage, a Napoleonic cork-opening technique.
- Where did you learn that? - Saw it on Horrible Histories.
Ok.
Pass us a bottle.
A cheap one.
That's white, German, made by nuns.
Oh.
Ok.
I love the fact that you know how to do all this complex stuff and yet you've got no clue about the basics, the capital city of Sweden.
Who needs to know about Santiago, when you can do this? SHE LAUGHS SNORING OWL HOOTS Are you awake? Yes.
Thought so.
Yeah.
Only YOU could snore when you're wide awake.
I've got sinuses like cheese string.
Sorry.
Why didn't you tell your mum we weren't together? There's no point.
She only hears what she wants to hear, that's what 16 generations of living in your own world does to you.
Well, that'll be you soon.
Oh, gosh, no! I've made a life for myself elsewhere now.
So why don't you tell her? Believe me, I've tried.
But you can see what she's like, she does not listen! Besides, this place is everything to them.
The idea that I've got a job, that I live in the city for good, the disappointment would kill them.
They're your parents, they love you.
If they're half as decent as I think they are, then they'll be delighted that you're doing what you want with your life.
Do you want my profession opinion? I think you make light of difficult situations and you should opt for honesty rather than a punchline.
Make her listen.
And that'll be 50 quid.
SHE LAUGHS Come on, let's have a Sumatran healing tussle.
THUDDING WOMAN SCREAMS - What the hell was that?! - It's happening! - What? W w what's happening? - She's here! - Who's here? - She is! - She's she's ? - She's the woman in black? Woman in white? Woman in beige? Lady in red? She's at the end of the corridor! She's been haunting us since my childhood! Help me! All right, what does she do, this ghost? She whispers! She whispers? - What, like a paranormal librarian? - She walks the house at night.
- Oooh! - SHE GASPS - WOMAN SCREAMS - She's here! - # Ringa-ringa roses# - What are you doing?! You're totally freaking me out! How would you like it if I sat bolt upright and started singing Baa Baa Blacksheep like a psychotic toddler?! - # We all fall down! # - She's coming for me! - WOMAN LAUGHS - She's coming for me! This is utterly ridiculous! BOTH SCREAM Get a grip! I'm a woman of science, I wear latex gloves, there's no such thing as ghosts.
HE SNORES HE SIGHS HEAVILY CORK POPS WOMAN LAUGHS - I think you've mastered that technique now.
- Yeah, it's persistence.
You know, I want to sweep up.
Only I can't move my arms.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
- We've done this one.
- Have we? - Yeah, it's wine.
- Well done! I spy with my little eye something beginning with B.
We've done that, as well.
It's bottles.
You're really good at this.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
- For God's sake! It's wine! - No.
W why are you not in a relationship? Oh.
The answer is because I'm picky.
Good answer.
I spy something beginning with H.
- I give up.
- How come you're not in a relationship, either? Well, I have very specific tastes.
So it's I spy with my little eye something beginning with W.
No! - Toria? - Yes.
I need a wee! - You can't leave.
You can't leave me! - Don't be silly, I'm busting! - You can't leave me! - Look, just tell me where it is, I'll be back in a second.
All right.
It's out that door, turn left, left again, then third on the left.
Ok.
All right.
Sara? - Yes.
- Be careful.
Or what, I'll get whispered to death? SHE WHISPERS EERILY SHE BLOWS RAPSBERRY WIND HOWLS SHE GASPS Oh! SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! Stop stop being ridiculous! Ok.
Oh, God! Oh! Thank you! Ohh! SHE WHIMPERS There we are.
TRICKLING SHE SIGHS SHE GROANS SHE SIGHS Please tell me I'm not pissing in your wardrobe! One good thing about the ruling classes, we're not embarrassed about anything.
Last time he was here, the Duke of Sussex was found nut-deep in our favourite heifer.
Didn't bat an eyelid.
Ah, yes.
Ok.
We probably need to get rid of that, shall we? Hmm.
Hmm.
You really need to rehydrate.
- That's like gravy.
- Oh.
SNORING I can't feel my legs.
I can't feel my legs! Those are my legs! Get off them! - Where's your shirt? - I don't know.
Why are your pants hanging off the wine rack? I don't know.
Why are your flies undone? Ok, let's not panic.
There's a perfectly reasonable explanation.
- I'm pregnant! - Oh, God! What are we going to do? I'm going to keep it and I'm going to call it Burgundy.
Oh, shut up! Look what we did.
We drank it.
We drank his Titanic booze.
Oh, how could we do that?! Oh! It's starting again! I've got to get out of here! - Somebody might be hurt in there.
- Well, you can deal with it.
- I'm heading back to the room.
- What?! Are you nuts?! Haven't you seen any horror films? We can't split up or Whispering Winnie will have you then get one of her mates to pick me off.
Come on.
We're in this together.
Have you seen Blair Witch Project? Nightmare On Elm Street? Poltergeist? Well, nobody gets it with a pot of hot piss in their hands.
Come on.
- It's our lucky talisman.
- SHE SIGHS WOMAN SCREAMS Help! I'm I'm with child! And I'm pregnant! I'm I'm a drunk pregnant woman and I'm locked in a cave with only champagne to feed our baby! GHOSTLY NOISES Sozzie! What are you doing?! - WHIRRING - She's running the show.
We have to power shower her where the sun doesn't shine every morning, Sozzie can't run anything.
I'm coming in and I have a catapult! What are you doing in here, darlings? I really need to know what is going on.
We were going to tell you, honestly, it's just I couldn't find the right time.
You know this place has been falling to bits.
We thought this was the best way to inject some cash.
- So you let people think it was haunted? - We make a living out of it.
Can't get Yvette Fielding and her lot out of here.
- You let me think it was haunted.
- I see dead people! Not now, Mummy.
I haven't slept properly since 1976.
Everyone I've ever slept with has had to share the bed with over 50 lucky teddies.
- I keep a bayonet down my panties.
- Oh, that's what it was! What can I say? It's a family business.
I do the whispering.
She does a lovely whisper.
Really chills the marrow.
SHE WARBLES CREEPILY Humph has the hardest job.
I'm on sticking-hand-up-through freshly-dug-grave-duty.
- Do you have a boyfriend? - What about poor Sozzie? - How could you do it to her? - Doodle, it was her idea.
She's obsessed.
She can't stop doing it.
Even when we're on our own.
I told you, there's no such thing as ghosts.
THUDDING - Why are you holding a sword? - Why have you got a stuffed bird? Why are your flies undone? I'm pregnant! - What are we going to do? - I don't know.
I'm buying another bottle of Chateau Neuf de Titanic I guess.
- I meant about us, about last night.
- Oh, that! Listen, it turns out that I confused being pregnant with being pissed.
I won't make that mistake again.
We were just drunk.
- It doesn't have to mean anything, does it? - No, no, no.
- Course not.
Just drunk.
- Pissed.
- Hello.
Morning.
- Are you married? No, Sozzie, not married and, before you ask, I don't have a boyfriend, either.
Oh.
In fact, I'm never going to have a boyfriend because I'm GAY-Y-Y! And when my parents come next week to visit me, I'm going to hold them by the hand like I'm holding you, look them in their eyes like I'm looking in your eyes and tell them exactly that.
- Probably without the shouting bit.
- How lovely.
Who are you? - The pot, where is it? - Oh, I think it's on the landing where I left it.
I should go and get it, shouldn't it? It's got my piss in it.
- Don't worry, the dogs'll drink it.
- I'll go and get it.
You distract her, ok? - Better still, why don't you tell her? - Oh What would the Mayans do, eh? Come on.
- Mum? - Yes, darling.
There's something I need to tell you.
It's going to be hard for you to hear but I want you to try and understand.
- Of course, darling.
- Mum, I'm employed.
That's wonderful.
Would you like marmalade? No, I don't want marmalade.
You're not listening to me.
I've got a job.
- A job! - A job.
Something for me.
Something of my very own.
So I won't be coming back and running this place.
I know that must come as the most awful shock, but I needed to tell you.
- But we've never had a JOB in the family.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- Does this JOB make you happy? - Yes.
- Very, very much.
- Well, then, I'm happy for you.
Do you want me to tell Daddy? Sorry about that lock-in, son.
The trouble with this age is you're only a second away from a coma.
Talking of which, about your cellar What the hell are you doing with that old crock? Oh uh, it's a very essential part of my exercise routine.
- Sort of cardio vase-cular.
- You young gay city types are a bloody mystery.
- You really are.
- Can I take a look at that? God, look at this porcelain.
- Can I ask where you got it from? - Don't know.
Mummy? Grangrumps.
Bought it off a Chinaman in the opium wars.
- That's all I know.
- Where's it been all this time? Oh, well Great-uncle Fudge used to prick out his tomatoes and it, I think, and Netty lent it to the housekeeper to wash down the steps.
We used to use it as a crash helmet when we went cycling.
I used it to keep my tennis rackets in.
Nanny Loops used to smash it against the wall to let us know it was suppertime.
And we've toilet-trained five generations of field spaniels in it.
- Apart from that, nothing.
- Why? Firstly, if you look at the thick glaze on the porcelain, the size and weight MUSIC: THEME FROM "Antiques Roadshow" the trace of the classic cobalt blue and white colouring on the vase itself Ah, there you have it, clear as day.
The tell-tale call markings on the Yuan Dynasty around 13th century.
So, value.
How much do you think it's worth? - We hadn't really thought about value.
- No.
It's a cherished family heirloom.
We wouldn't be thinking of selling it.
If you were to take it to auction, considering its poor condition, I'd estimate conservatively, you'd expect to get around £2-£3 million.
Humph, call Christies.
Mummy, we're not in the haunting business any more.
MUSIC: THEME FROM "Antiques Roadshow" - Do come again.
- We'll get some condiments in.
- You can explain that sex thing again.
Still not got it.
- Ok, Humph.
Hello.
Who ? Gay.
Goodbye.
Bye, Bubble.
Bye, Thumper.
- I'm sorry we broke your wine.
- I'm sorry I peed in your porcelain.
THEY LAUGH Right, now then CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS