Hebburn (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Namaste.
- Morning, Miriam.
I changed my name - it's Marial.
Course you did.
What Miriam wouldn't want to be a Marial? So, bro, what's with the suit? I'm off to work.
Do you remember work? Hey, I work.
I just choose not to have a career.
Hey, I'm the new editor of the Hebburn Advertiser.
So I, too, have chosen not to have a career.
Come in.
Sarah! Your sister's here! She's changed her name again! It's Marial now! I can't believe you're here! - Hello! - Yeah, me, neither.
Last I heard, you were in Namibia, building a tree house for worms.
Funny as always, Jack(!) But jokes hide the pain we're feeling inside.
That's Gaviscon you're thinking of.
I'd better be off.
- Bye, girls.
- Ooh! Girls! Is that what we are now? Not women? Oh, hold your horses, Emily Pankhurst.
Oh, before you go, could you take Marial's bag upstairs, please? Oh, yeah, could you? Right on, sisters.
I'll do it when I get back, bye! Tell me everything! I want to know everything about the Geordie culture.
And a wedding? Again? This is going to be fascinating.
There is something else.
- Go for it.
- I'm pregnant.
Oh, I knew it! Listen, we're keeping it really quiet.
Only Jack's family know, so please don't tell Mum and Dad.
It can wait till after the wedding.
No probs, babes.
Oh, this is such good news! I'm afraid it's bad news.
Someone has very high blood pressure.
Probably because someone else runs really hot baths for 45 minutes.
- This is serious, Joe.
- I know, you want to see my gas bill.
- It's a bloody travesty.
- Joe, please! I'm worried! This is about you.
Now, will you shut up? I'm talking about a complete change of lifestyle.
No fatty foods, whatsoever.
And, most of all, relax.
- De-stress.
Pauline, you can help him with this.
- Can I? Oh, you're right.
It'll be me new project.
- Nice one.
She's got a new project.
- Listen, I'm your wife.
Your partner through this journey we call life.
And I'm not doing all the last bit on me own.
Besides which, you've got a grandchild on the way.
Sarah has been to see you about our special news, hasn't she? I'm sorry, Pauline, I cannot discuss another patient.
Of course.
But her and the baby are doing fine, are they? I really couldn't say.
Did you hear that? They're doing fine! But the doctor says you need relaxing.
So relaxing's what you're going to get.
From now on, Joe, wherever you turn, there I'll be, de-stressing you.
Thanks a lot, mate(!) 'Hebburn Advertiser.
' Hi, it's Jack Pearson.
'Who?' Jack Pearson, the new editor.
Starting today.
Just letting you know I'm on my way into the office.
'Oh, it's a story, is it? 'I'll put you through to the news desk.
' No, look, I Oh, never mind.
Do you think that chips know they're chips? Maybe some chips want to be something more.
What? Like mash? Or waffles? To see the world.
To really live.
Chips want that? Vicki, I've been offered a gig.
You've already got a gig, singing at Swayzes.
Five nights a week and twice on Sundays.
And as long as you keep on cleaning it, Siobhan'll let you stay in the spare room.
I know, I know, but it's the same old songs, the same old people.
I need to grow, I need to spread my wings as an artist.
Where's this gig, then? Great Yarmouth.
Summer season, four months.
Four months? Butwhat about us? Hey, babe, we'll make it, yeah? You're breaking my heart.
Cheryl teaches us that I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you.
But you're going to Great Yarmouth.
And you're cutting a hole in me parachute.
Vicki.
Vicki, wait.
Bloody hell.
DOOR OPENS - Hi.
- Hello.
All right? I'm David Cowgill, photographer and sub-editor.
And I'm also the news team.
Ah, right.
Jack Pearson, new editor.
I'm glad you're here, mate.
As the new editor, I want to try and make this a lot more of a hard-hitting, dynamic paper.
What are the hot new stories you think we should be covering? OK.
There's this bloke starting a new job.
They said he might be coming in later.
- That was me! - Should I get a photo? No.
Look, there must be something else we can do a story on.
There's this couple getting remarried.
Apparently, when they got married the first time, they were pissed up in Vegas.
Idiots.
That was me, as well.
I'll definitely get a photo, then.
No! And I'm not an idiot! It'll make life easier, now the main source of news actually works here.
- Can you smell something? - (SNIFFS) Whose is that? - It's drugs! - Eh? It's drugs! We'll have the bloody police round! MARIAL CHANTS Marial's just singing to the baby.
Chanting.
I learnt a special chant in the rainforest.
I learnt one at the football, but I'll not be singing it at the baby.
Are you Sarah's sister? Namaste.
Of course you can stay, flower.
Can't she, Joe? Why not? Everyone else seems to these days.
Can I just say, there's a great energy in this house.
Thanks, pet.
It's electric.
Apart from the hob and the heating, that's gas.
She made me some peppermint tea.
It's supposed to help with stress.
Ooh! Did you hear that, Joe? Peppermint tea? I'll get you some.
You're all right, I'll just squeeze some toothpaste into me Tetley's.
That might not be a bad idea.
Right, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I'll just pop off to me shed to meditate.
Or, as I call it, sheditate.
Joe needs to get his blood pressure down, Marial.
So I'm de-stressing him out.
Marial can help you with that, couldn't you, sis? If I squeeze just here, it's making you more relaxed, yeah? No.
But I feel like I want to relax and that's half the battle, isn't it? It sometimes takes a second.
Oh, you bugger! Ooh.
Eeeh.
I haven't felt like this since I met Rick Astley! If Joe's going to de-stress, it's important you do, too.
You're in a symbiotic relationship.
No, he's never hit us.
She means you feed off each other.
Not since the honeymoon.
Right, we need to get people reading the paper.
As my old editor used to say over and over again, "People won't read just any old rubbish".
I reckon folk buy the Advertiser for the pictures, not the articles.
Bonniest bairns, ugliest bride.
We do an ugliest bride section? Nah, but that's what folk look for.
Right.
Leave that, focus on content.
Last year, the biggest news story was "Jedward Don't Open New Supermarket".
That's not the worst of it, man.
Turns out, there wasn't even a new supermarket.
Pork pie? Pork bloody pie?! Have you got a death wish, Joe? I'm not eating them! I'm just saying goodbye to them! What about Sarah and Marial? To a Jew, a pork pie is pure evil in a crust! - You're starting to stress me out now.
- Right, here, give us your hand.
Give us your hand.
- Ow! What are you doing? - Hold still.
It's to relax you.
Sometimes it takes a second.
- Anything? - Aye.
That one feels quite good, in comparison.
No.
Now they feel the same.
Thanks(!) He says he's going away again.
I don't know what to do, Last time he went away, he shagged a cocktail waitress from Byker and I know he'll do it again and I can't let him, Sarah.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.
Who's this? Gervaise? The man with the golden gums? I'm sorry to bother you, pet.
I know we don't always see eye to eye, cos you're all posh and you think you're better than the rest of us - I really don't.
- .
.
but I've got no-one else to talk to.
I'd normally tell Denise, but she's having her shoulders waxed, so it was you or nothing.
It's always good to know I'm better than nothing.
Listen, if your relationship is worth it, you'll weather the ups and downs.
Look at me and Jack.
When we were in Manchester, we were on the up.
Everything was fine, but now we're in Hebburn.
So we're a down, are we, Sarah? No, no.
Hebburn's fine.
It's just, well, we're here at your mum and dad's.
So me mum and dad's is the worst place in Hebburn, is it, Sarah? No, of course not.
It's just we don't have our own place, do we, like a married couple should? But we'll be fine because, we've got each other.
I hear what you're saying.
You do? Yeah.
I'm going to ask Gervaise to move in here with us.
I don't What if the advertiser became a campaigning newspaper? People love that.
Remember when the Daily Mail tried to ban mixer taps? This campaign, would it be for something or against something? - For, definitely for something.
- What? I mean, what does Hebburn need? A good kick up the arse.
They won't like it if we print that again.
OK.
Well, what about a statue to commemorate one of our most significant citizens? That Antony Gormley could do it.
A statue of you, you mean? No.
It's the Hebburn Advertiser, not the Jack Express.
You reckon? I mean, you know, you're starting a new job, you're getting remarried, now you're launching a campaign.
You've got to be worth a statue.
No! When will people realise that I am not important? SOOTHING MUSIC It's all about finding the centre.
The centre's very important, aye.
It can really open your eyes, this kind of therapy, Joe.
You ought to try giving a bit to this referee.
DOORBELL Joe? Get that, will you? I can't, it'll knacker my chakras.
I could go if you'll be OK here? I think I'll manage, pet.
If I don't move, my ying should stay next to my yang, shouldn't it? In theory, yeah.
I'll probably stay put, then.
You know, just be on the safe side.
Who are you, like? - Hi, I'm Marial, Sarah's sister.
- Right.
So are you Jewish as well, then? Actually, I don't follow a specific doctrine.
You're not wearing a bra.
Is that a Jewish thing? - No.
- Right.
So, you one of them lesbians, like? I don't think the two go hand in hand.
I couldn't not wear a bra, me.
I've got too much respect for Thelma and Louise, here.
I think it's important as women, we aren't defined by our physicality.
Listen, love, I get defined by my sucky-in pants, that's all I need.
What? Vicki in? She's upstairs.
Vicki! Vicki! Vicki! And the pool of calm is drained once more.
FOOTBALL CROWD CHANTING ON TV Eee! It's Gervaise! I'm in a proper state.
I don't think I'll ever be happy, ever again! Have you forgotten about tonight? Hen night.
Eee! And you're going to need a bra for tonight.
Push it all up, like, sort out your top shelf goods.
Is that so important? It is, unless you want to pay for your own drinks all night.
We'll give you a proper makeover.
You cannot hang with our crew looking like a homeless hobbit.
BOTH: Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night! Who's hen night are you going on? Yours, man, you daft cow! Eee! Oh So, Jack, how was your first day as a media mogul? I'm afraid I did very little moguling.
- To be honest, I don't think I moguled at all.
- Oh.
Anyway, why are you all dolled up like a female Davina McCall? We're going out on Sarah's hen night.
- Sarah's? - Mm-hm.
- Right.
Does Sarah know about Sarah's hen night? Aye, Vicki and Denise have let her know.
BOTH: Hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night, hen night! - Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! Bloody hen night! SHE LAUGHS HE LAUGHS Right.
We're off out.
- Have fun tonight, my angel.
- You behave while I'm gone.
No booze, no cheese, no pies, pasties or pastries.
No fun, whatsoever.
Understood, Group Captain.
It's for your own good.
I'm not having youse snack your way into an early grave.
All right, all right.
Please, Joe.
It's important.
- I want you to try and outlive me.
- Why, where's the fun in that? Do it for me? All right, if it makes you happy, I'll outlive you.
Thanks, pet.
If you think this is bad, you should see the Sarah Is A Tart t-shirt - they wanted me to wear.
- Well, you'll model that one for me later.
I see you and Mariel's been Hebburnised.
She's got the skin tone of a wotsit.
She's loving every second of it, she's experiencing a new culture.
You'd think this was Thailand, not Tyneside.
We'd best be off and pick up Dot.
- You're not taking Gran on the hen night, are you? - Of course we are.
We are hitting the town and we are painting anywhere with suitable disabled access red! Ha, ha! Howay, Sarah.
Pray for me? Oh, don't forget, your dad's to drink nothing but peppermint tea and if he stops relaxing for a second, pounce on him.
Howay! Good luck.
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV Leave us a bit.
No, you know the new rule.
Look at the pie, do not touch the pie.
I'd be happy with just an inch of crust or a couple of crumbs.
No, Mum'll go barmy.
Anyway, I want you to live.
I might have a worthless day job, but at least I can contribute to my family life.
I'll make you my new project.
I don't want to be, I'm already your mum's project.
- I'm not a project, I'm a free man.
- Whoa! Take a chill pill.
We'll just have a nice relaxing night in, me, you and the forbidden pie.
This is going to be double mental.
- Are you best man, like? - Don't know.
- Don't think he's decided.
I'm using that subliminal advertising.
- Canny.
- Got your T-shirt made, as well.
- Oh, aye? "Big fat Keith?" No, look, man, "Usher.
" Quality.
- DOORBELL RINGS - You'd best get that, son.
I don't want to start moving around, in case me aura slides off.
- Eh? - Remember what your mam said, she wouldn't want me to have all the stress of walking to the front door and opening it and having to see who it is.
- Remember the project.
- Oh, right, fine.
Thought you needed a lifestyle change, it turns out you just need a butler.
Leave the beer! - Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! - No thanks! No thanks! No thanks! - We going out, like? - Whoah! Joseph, your show is cancelled, young man.
Don't worry, son.
I've got everything I need right here.
Howay then.
ALL: Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! Stag night! SHE LAUGHS This is going to be double mental! Why-aye! Buy your own! I was quite surprised you wanted to come, Dot.
I would've thought it would be too noisy for you.
Oh, I want to see the stripper.
I hope he's smooth.
I like them when they're smooth.
Dot, this is a ladies' night out.
I mean, me machinery might've shut down, but I still like to meet the service engineer.
- Right, gentlemen, are you ready for your first party game? - What? Who is up for a round of Breathalysers? We'll all have a quick blow, right? And we'll see who'd be the shittest driver at this stage.
- Where did you get these? - Police auction.
Got tear gas, as well, but the little un's already had it.
Not playing, Dad? No point.
I doubt peppermint tea will trouble the Richter scale.
So, will there be a Jewish element at the wedding service? I know a fair few Barry Manilow songs.
Do you not know any Bette Midler? Not in my repertoire, I'm afraid.
We'll probably have a bit of Bette, then.
Where's the stripper? Oh, no, not a stripper man.
Ramsey Howay, man.
Only the best, Clarty Carol.
She is proper clarty, like.
How old is she now? She was at my stag night and she was well past her prime then.
So, this is how I'm spending my stag night, is it? Not a mad weekend in Prague, sitting here with the Breathalyser Brothers, waiting for a stripper who may well arrive on a mobility scooter.
Howay, lads.
Let's get blowing! THEY PUFF Hope Sarah's hen night's going better than this.
You can't kick us out! We've got half a round of drinks here! You're drinking your own drink.
The old woman flashed the bar staff.
She wasn't flashing! She came undone at an awkward angle.
I only noticed when I felt the draught, Sarah.
I don't just give it away.
The glass collector caught an eyeful and he's still crying.
Out! Well, I suppose we could just go home.
You know, we've had few drinks, we've had a walk about.
I know I'm satisfied.
Sarah, man, it's your hen night! We can't go home yet - we're all still conscious! And I oiled my wheels specially.
I'm paying for this, so we're having a proper hen night.
We can go anywhere we want.
We could have the best night of our lives.
Swayzes? (ALL) Swayzes! So bud, when that ring goes on, the bull is tethered.
So I suggest you spend tonight roaming around the china shop.
What's he on about now? Come on.
You'll live out the rest of your life with one woman.
Before you say, "I do", you're free to "don't" as much as you want.
Is that right, is it? It's not offside if nobody's watching.
Aren't you the bloke who's going out with my sister? Who also happens to be my daughter.
Yeah, yeah, but I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you, on your stag night.
If you wanted, which you don't, which is great.
But that's how you'll spend YOUR stag night, is it? Me? Nah.
I'll probably spend the night in, with Vicki, I imagine .
.
politely planning our future together with our clothes on.
She got the whole package with you, didn't she? - CHANTING: Sarah's getting married - again! - It's the lasses.
Sarah's getting married -again! Sarah's getting married - again! Na-na-na.
Again! Na-na, na-na! Again! # Sarah's getting married - again! - # Na-na-na.
# - Hiya, girls.
I hope you're going to behave yourselves.
Siobhan, what are you like? Don't be daft! I'm not looking at you, Pauline.
I'm looking at you, Denise.
Remember the last hen do? The ladies toilets blocked with deely boppers? Pink limousine overturned in the car park? You put vodka jellies on three for a pound, Siobhan.
How can that be my fault? She'll be fine.
Now, what are we having, girls? I'll have a double Vodka and Red Bull.
And I've just popped me heart pills, so you'll have to excuse me if I kiss the sky! ALL LAUGH Cheeky Vimtos for the rest of us.
Oh, except for Sarah.
She'll just have a coke.
So, you're pregnant, then? What? No.
Yeah.
I can tell.
- You're doing that glowing thing.
- It's fake tan.
It doesn't look that good.
OK Yes.
But please don't say anything.
We're keeping it quiet.
Well, it's easy enough to hide.
I know.
See? Pregative.
I'm going to have it laminated.
Give it to the kid when it's 21.
If you're pregnant, why are you drinking whisky? Smell it.
Peppermint tea.
Looks like whisky, though, doesn't it? But why pretend to drink? Why not just not drink? Because, Sarah, pet, I'm a girl with a reputation.
So we were just thrown out of a bar, because you were caught drinking peppermint tea? If folk got word that I hadn't got us chucked out of that bar, I'd run the risk of becoming a nobody.
And that's not ganna happen.
- I am somebody.
And I am lush.
- Obviously.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I want folk knowing about this baby yet.
Well, why don't we agree to keep each other's secret? You know, like twobiglass mates? Deal.
Eee! Denise! Pet! That's amazing! Now we'll see who's going to Great bloody Yarmouth! - What does the dad think? - Ganna break the news to him tonight.
And depending on how he takes it, I might have to break him, too! Condoms? Cheap, but cheerful.
I use these meself.
And I've got aftershave.
All the spices, at knockdown prices.
Will it bring us out in a rash? Aftershave, no.
Condoms, probably.
But they're only a fiver.
I'll take two lots.
I'll get the next round in, then, shall I? CHEERING.
Good lad! Look at Joe, he's really taken to this relaxing, hasn't he? Cheers, pet.
So, you see, you can't go to Great Yarmouth now.
Cos what happens if I get morning sickness? Or Irritating Baby Syndrome? Here, Gervaise, isn't it time you were weaving your musical magic? Hmm? Right, let's let's get this party started, then.
MUSIC: "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE" by The Spice Girls HE SINGS WEAKLY When you're feeling sad and low We will take you where you got to go Smiling, dancing, Everything's free All you need is positivity Colours of the world Spice up your life! - # Every boy and every girl - Spice up your life! - # People of the world - Spice up your life! A-h-h-h-h-h Shimmy to the left if you're having a good time Shimmy to the right if you know that you feel fine Check it to the front Go round Slam me to the left if you're having a good time I was wondering if you wanted to dance, like? If you don't want to, I understand But if you want, you can, like.
SHE SNIFFS SHE SIGHS Primal man.
No, it's Adidas Dynamic Pulse.
Yellow man in Timbuktu Brilliant.
Oh, mint.
Fighting dancing queen Tribal spaceman So, you've got your little girlfriend pregnant, then? Wife.
She's me wife.
My wife is pregnant with MY baby.
I'm starting to think you're not taking our relationship seriously.
What relationship? We haven't been together for five years.
And you said you just needed a bit of time apart.
"A bit of a break", you said.
Maybe see some other people before you settle down, sow your wild oats.
What!? I'm married.
To Sarah.
And we are so happily married we're having a baby together.
Oats sown.
Down settled.
If you're not careful, Jack, you're going to lose me.
I'll bear that in mind - at my second wedding to the same wife! Everything all right? Yeah, Denise was going to go and be mental at someone else.
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Just going to take a quick break now.
Hey! Cheers.
It's nice to see you two making up.
- I had nothing to make up for.
Did we? - No.
- See? Are you all right? Don't you worry about me, son.
I'm quite happy with me pleppermint tea.
- Pleppermint? - Sorry.
It's a lot mintier than I'm used to.
First, you find the bloke what sold you these condoms and get your money back.
Everything he sells is either broken or faulty.
Then see if he does prams.
I didn't want to come out tonight, but I got to say, I'm quite enjoying meself now, eh, Ramsey? - Or should I say, "Daddy"? - Aye.
Aye.
Belter.
- Joe! What are you thinking? - It's only peppermint tea.
- SHE SNIFFS - Oh, so it is.
Sorry.
Is that so you can keep your veneer of cool? I'll say it is! SHE GIGGLES Well.
Stags, hens, it's been Hasn't it? - Me and Sarah are going to head off home.
- Haway, you can't go yet! - What about the stripper? - Stripper? - He's joking.
There's no stripper.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Clarty Carol! STRIPTEASE MUSIC - I love Clarty Carol! - You know the stripper? Yes.
She's got the room next to me at the retirement home.
MUSIC COMES TO A CLIMAX Ah-h-h-h-h Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time Chicas to the right If you know that you feel fine Shake it to the front Huh-huh and go round Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Huh-huh, hi-ci-ya - hold tight Slam me to the left If you're havin' a good time Shake it to the right If you know that you feel fine Chicas to the front Huh-huh, go round