History of the World: Part II (2023) s01e05 Episode Script
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"Galileo."
Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici,
this is-a Galileo with a Cameo,
AKA a Galilameo.
This is-a from your father,
the Grand Duke of Tuscany,
and he wanted me to wish
you a happy birthday.
16 years old-a, which means
that you can now get married
to the Duke of Parma.
And-a that's good for you
because they got-a the cheese money.
Anyway, I hope it's
a successful marriage,
so that we can avoid a land war.
Please let your father know that
I make-a this message for you,
so he can put in a good
word with the Pope-a,
and the Pope doesn't torture me
and stretch me out
like-a string cheese-a,
bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.
Okay, much love and Pisa
the leaning tower of.
History of the World, Part II!
Previously, on "The Civil War"
No more alcohol.
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
We're going to West Virginia.
General Grant was last seen
heading towards Rock Ridge.
You three have been tasked
with bringing him back here.
- Hands up.
- Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
We hate Yankees.
Ouchie-wowchie. Okay
Well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
Ulysses Grant and
Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
You picked the wrong
saloon to have a drink at.
- What?
- What'd he say?
I said! Have you got
What are you saying?
He said, "You got any last words?"
Oh! Oh, last words. Yes.
May God save and protect our union.
Yeah, that's right, eat shit.
What about you, little Lincoln boy?
So, you won't kill us
until we're done talking?
Them the rules, boy.
Is is that a hard-and-fast rule?
I always thought it
was more of a guideline.
Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah!
- Oh boy. Okay.
- God.
- Come on. Come on, boy!
- Uh, okay
Uh
First of all, um, I'd
like to thank my parents.
To Dad, you were always so tall.
And Mom, everybody
thought you were nuts,
but really, to me, you were just Mom.
Thank you, but not done yet.
Thank you. Thank you.
We made it! Rock Ridge!
It looked a lot different
in Blazing Saddles.
And, uh, to General Grant,
- the man sitting next to me.
- No, no.
You are my hero, you are my mentor,
and now, you are my friend.
Ah, I'm gonna cry!
I'm gonna freaking cry.
It's them!
- General Grant and RT?
- Are they in trouble?
Oh, my God, they're so far away!
- Turn it around.
- Turn it around.
Ah! They're gonna hang 'em!
Okay, okay, okay. I
think the only move here
is to get back on Harriet's
train and go to Canada.
learn manners, get healthcare,
pretend we like poutine.
Oh, I can't!
I can't pretend I like
lukewarm cheese curds.
There are no other options, Mingoes!
- Wait! I have an idea!
- Huh?
Oh!
It's just us.
Tell me there's gravity
without telling me there's gravity.
Me? Galileo? I go first.
Achoo! Ah!
Mamma mia!
Hey! I'm-a flying!
A-gravity not so real!
Oh no, I'm-a falling again!
Why didn't I invent the parachute-a?
"Shirley Chisholm."
Previously, on Shirley!
- Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me
- Well, great.
To run for president!
Alabama governor and
presidential candidate
George Wallace is
hospitalized after being shot.
This is terrible! What do we do?
We celebrate. I'm making a Manhattan.
From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
She's the first Black
congresswoman, she's Shirley ♪
It's been a long, hard
road, but hope was never lost ♪
'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Shirley! is brought to you
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
I need to go see Wallace.
What are you talkin' about?
Uh-uh, Shirley, now, the
press is swarming the hospital.
If you go visit that
cuckoo Klux Klansman
your campaign is over!
But, it's the Christian thing to do.
All right, th that's
it, that's it. Cut!
Cut! Where's the director at?
What's going on now? Look,
I know you guys have us
doin' some crazy shit up in here,
but why in the world would Shirley
go visit George Wallace at the hospital?
Conrad, this is something
that actually happened.
- Really?
- Now get your butt over here,
and say your next line.
Action. All right, honey. If
you're goin', I'm goin' with you.
- Me, too!
- How about you, Mama?
I'm sorry. I can't hear
you over the stirring.
Did I really need to be
disguised in a full-body cast?
It doesn't even look like Conrad!
I ain't putting on that
thing. I'm claustrophobic.
This must be him.
You two stand guard.
Oh!
I see you're going to
check on Governor Wallace.
Uh, yes, I'm going to check his
oil?
Well then you wouldn't
mind administering
his next dose of painkiller
while you're at it.
Uh, you sure I should be doing this?
Yeah, it's the '70s.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to an interracial orgy
where everyone will have a huge bush!
Shirley! will be right back
after a bunch of cigarette commercials.
I am Rasputin, and this
is the human cigarette.
Oh! That did it!
Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire!
Come on, guys, put out the fire!
Relax, comrade, we will
give you golden shower.
Oh! Ho ho!
Oh, not in my face, comrade!
Now, back to "The Civil War."
Let's see, um, in the
new, uh, bestseller
I don't know if you guys
have heard of this new thing,
it's called the dictionary. Uh,
Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um
it defines honor as one
who brings worth or respect or
Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off.
All right, I-I'm going.
Um, there are so many people
I have to thank still.
Um, everyone at UTA,
Jared Levine, Jared
Cohen, Jared Cohenstein
- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum
Okay! All right! All
right! That's enough.
We ain't got time for the Jew stuff.
- Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still
- That's enough, little boy!
That's enough, little boy.
Hang 'em!
Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
This is happening right now. Oh,
they got a guy. They got a guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, fresh
from their stint in Europe,
please welcome the Confederate Players!
Let's bring up our emcee.
He's First Nation and
first in your heart.
Give it up for Mingoes!
Oh, boy.
Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes.
Uh, so
I just came from St. Louis, and, uh
Oh wait, I was supposed
to say St. Louis, Missouri,
because this joke is about
the Missouri Compromise and
What, what?
He said, "You suck, weirdo."
Go. You got it. You're good.
Has anybody heard about this telegraph?
Ah, go back home, weirdo!
Y-You know, I would love to,
but a bunch of you colonizers
built an Ohio on top of my home.
I-I mean, if you're
gonna genocide a people,
you should get something
better out of it than Cleveland.
That is a good observation!
If your house is near a
river you can't pronounce,
you might be a colonizer.
It's working, Mingoes!
Did I just find my voice?
What else is going on here?
Is anybody here from Atlanta?
Yeah? Well, your shit's on fire.
Anyway, you guys
have been a bunch of inbred
demons rotten to your core,
but please welcome the Dixie Dicks!
Dixie Dicks?
- You know what to do, Mingoes.
- On it!
Oh, yeah!
Nice, a little music. I like
they do stand-up, then the music.
- Totally. We got a good view, too.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boy, I'll tell you what, it is
good to be back in the South.
Yeah, we just got back from the North.
Jesus Christ. Uh, you were
saying something, though,
- while we were leaving.
- Oh, I sure was, partner.
- What was that thing you were saying?
- Well, Dix,
I believe I said something like this.
Well, I've traveled
this great land of ours ♪
And let me be the first ♪
To say them Yankee states
are among the greats ♪
Of all-time rotten worst ♪
- So, fuck the North ♪
- Fuck the North!
Fuck that godforsaken North ♪
Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪
Fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
Massachusetts's filled
with snooty pricks ♪
New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪
And them fat cat porkers
they call New Yorkers ♪
Disgust me to my soul ♪
Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada ♪
And I hope New Hampshire follows ♪
And Illinois sucks
great big donkey dicks ♪
While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪
So, forgive the hateful
bile that we spew forth ♪
But we hate them fucking
fuckers, fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
- This song is highly offensive.
- Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.
It is a bop.
This is a fucking freak show.
Time to save the day.
Mingoes, we're running out
of states to sing about.
Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪
Filled with lowlifes,
chumps, and, cheese ♪
And Minnesota reeks of Viking
farts even when it's two degrees ♪
I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪
With all them shakin' quakin' losers ♪
And Indiana's worst of all ♪
Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪
So, fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
Yeah, fuck the lot ♪
- Hey!
- Hm?
Than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪
Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪
They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪
It's a land of snobs and dandies ♪
Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪
I say fuck them fuckin'
fuckers, fuck the North! ♪
Fuck the North!
Woo-hoo! ♪
Thank you! We are three Union
soldiers on a rescue mission!
I mean The Confederate Players!
Crabapples.
Hey!
What the hell we got here?
I got him! He was trying to escape!
- Yeah?
- Gimme your gun.
Yeah, get him. You can
Wha Oh, no! Hell nah!
Dammit.
Hey, what's up-a, famiglia?
It's your boy-a Galileo.
Boy, that gravity bit went more viral
than syphilis at a Borgia orgy.
Hashtag "borgy,"
which I understand is now trending?
LOL!
But-a, now that I have-a your attention,
I want to talk to you
about how the Earth
revolve around the sun.
I can prove it with a little something
called a telescope.
You may not have heard of it
because I just invented it.
"The Yalta Conference."
History is told in pictures,
and no one took those pictures
like the famed historical
photographer Sergei
alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay.
Watch him shoot Roosevelt,
Churchill, and Stalin
as the three men try
to end World War II.
Please, Mr. Roosevelt,
Berlin is in our quarter of the country.
We will make sure is safe, not to worry.
And who, Joseph, would
keep us safe from you?
The one in the middle
is driving me nuts!
Like, he's just got a dumb
suit like some bozo finance bro.
- Very bad.
- What do I do with him?
- This guy is useless.
- I have an idea.
Cape!
Cape!
Oh! You never cease to amaze me.
- Oh, my
- Okay, come on.
You're so smart!
- Ooh! Who is my big cape boy?
- Uh, I, I am.
Okay!
Daddy!
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Yes!
- You saved the day!
- It looks good.
I-I will also take a cape.
No, you won't.
You grabby bitch.
All right, everybody, come on! Smile!
Ugh, repulsive.
I gotta shake it up. Attention!
At ease. Put your heads down.
Look left. Look right.
You're at a party.
You don't know anyone.
You're a little shy, but
you still make eye contact.
Show me your pearly grays!
- Oh, fuck, girl. Look at that.
- Disgusting!
- So terrifying.
- Ew!
You know what? We're
gonna fly in some props.
You're in a band!
Girls' night!
Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to?
Uh-oh! Winston, help her! She's
throwing up on the party bus!
You caught a fish! That's a big fish!
- Eh, we'll just go with this one.
- Yeah, it'll work.
Okay, I think we got it!
Thank you guys so much!
This was so much fun! Thank
you, thank you, thank you.
And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin.
They need to work on their club scene.
Am I right, you basic slut?
Please tell me you
found me a matcha latte.
I had to go to the Starbucks
in the supermarket to get it.
Uh, excuse me.
- Yes?
- Sorry to interrupt.
Do you shoot messy flag-raisings?
Because we have something
coming up in Iwo Jima.
Okay, you're embarrassing.
But you're adorable! Of
course, we'll be there! Obvi!
Baby, schedule some
waxes, we're going to
the South Pacific!
Almost! Almost there!
It's fabulous, daddy!
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Now, back to "Shirley Chisholm."
Tonight, on a very special
episode of Shirley!,
playing White racist
Governor George Wallace
is national treasure
comedian George Wallace.
Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse!
I am not your nurse.
Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor!
The only medical professional you need
is an equine proctologist
because you, sir,
are a horse's ass.
Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!
Oh, Lord, have mercy!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Now, you broke your bed!
This hospital is so cheap, when
I got my operation for anesthesia,
the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"
You come here to finish
the job? You gonna kill me?
I'm not here to finish the job.
I'm here to say I'm
sorry for what happened.
Well, I'm here as a racist
white man with a gunshot wound.
Now, get your ugly ass outta here.
A little prick for a big one.
Why, Shirley Chisholm, in
all my years, I have never
ever felt so
groovy.
Well, now that you've gone from
Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,
maybe you and I can have a
real conversation, George.
You got any of those little
funny cigarettes, Shirley?
George, we need to change
the political discourse in this country.
America doesn't need
more name-calling and gun fights.
America needs strong leadership
and more television channels.
You know, Shirley, truth is
- I'm scared.
- Aw
I'm scared of giving power to the people
that we've done so much harm to.
I'm scared that I'm not
really superior to anybody.
And I'm scared of olives. They
look like little witches' eyes!
They're going, "I'm gonna
get you and your little "
This is some good shit.
Just promise me one thing, Shirley.
Promise me no matter what happens,
we will always be friends.
I don't know about friends, George,
but let's not be foes.
Aw
Uh, Dr. Chisholm? Um, the press is here.
The press? I said, I said,
did you say the press?
Oh, I can't be associated
with you people.
- Y'all go on and get outta here, okay?
- Well, I guess the drugs wore off.
Wait. Before you leave,
would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?
Uh! If you think
Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm
is gonna be your servant,
- you got another
- No, no, no, no, Flo.
It would be my pleasure.
Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.
Let's get outta here.
Oh! Who's there?
Where are you taking me?
I hope to the food court!
I'll be performing at the world-famous
Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.
You can go see the Blue Man
or you can come see the Black man.
Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪
Ciao, famiglia. It's-a
your boy, Galileo.
I know you have-a not
heard from me for a while,
and that's because I was
arrested for heresy-a.
But the truth is-a nobody
love-a the church more than-a me!
Some of my best friends,
they're-a priests.
My two daughters, they are nuns.
Hashtag "Nun Dad."
So, I'm-a gonna go take some time away,
think about what I say.
I'm-a so sorry.
I-I don't mean any of it.
I want to reflect on what I
did and think about the gravity
of talking about gravity.
And maybe one day, I can come back
and just do goof-arounds
like I used to do.
That's it from me, Galileo.
To all of you I say, uh, Pisa,
Leaning Tower of.
Now, back to "The Civil War."
Shit.
If you're about to
hang a Native American,
you might be a colonizer.
You're shaking, sir.
You nervous about dying?
Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.
By the way, great rescue mission.
Oh, thank you. That means
a lot coming from you.
I'm joking. Look at us. We're fucked.
Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs are
guilty of espionage and treason!
Plus, that song you sang,
that don't have a proper hook.
It's a new type of song, okay?
Hang 'em!
Oh, shit. Dying sober.
I'm dying sober. Oh, this is the worst.
What's going on?
We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!
Thought they was gonna
save Grant without my help.
Dumbasses.
I'm comin', I'm comin'!
Hello? Hello, excuse me!
Is this the train to JFK?
What time is your flight?
- Uh, 4:00!
- You'll never make it.
"Galileo."
Hey! Ciao! Margherita de Medici,
this is-a Galileo with a Cameo,
AKA a Galilameo.
This is-a from your father,
the Grand Duke of Tuscany,
and he wanted me to wish
you a happy birthday.
16 years old-a, which means
that you can now get married
to the Duke of Parma.
And-a that's good for you
because they got-a the cheese money.
Anyway, I hope it's
a successful marriage,
so that we can avoid a land war.
Please let your father know that
I make-a this message for you,
so he can put in a good
word with the Pope-a,
and the Pope doesn't torture me
and stretch me out
like-a string cheese-a,
bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.
Okay, much love and Pisa
the leaning tower of.
History of the World, Part II!
Previously, on "The Civil War"
No more alcohol.
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
We're going to West Virginia.
General Grant was last seen
heading towards Rock Ridge.
You three have been tasked
with bringing him back here.
- Hands up.
- Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
We hate Yankees.
Ouchie-wowchie. Okay
Well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
Ulysses Grant and
Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
You picked the wrong
saloon to have a drink at.
- What?
- What'd he say?
I said! Have you got
What are you saying?
He said, "You got any last words?"
Oh! Oh, last words. Yes.
May God save and protect our union.
Yeah, that's right, eat shit.
What about you, little Lincoln boy?
So, you won't kill us
until we're done talking?
Them the rules, boy.
Is is that a hard-and-fast rule?
I always thought it
was more of a guideline.
Right in the kishkes! Ooh-ah!
- Oh boy. Okay.
- God.
- Come on. Come on, boy!
- Uh, okay
Uh
First of all, um, I'd
like to thank my parents.
To Dad, you were always so tall.
And Mom, everybody
thought you were nuts,
but really, to me, you were just Mom.
Thank you, but not done yet.
Thank you. Thank you.
We made it! Rock Ridge!
It looked a lot different
in Blazing Saddles.
And, uh, to General Grant,
- the man sitting next to me.
- No, no.
You are my hero, you are my mentor,
and now, you are my friend.
Ah, I'm gonna cry!
I'm gonna freaking cry.
It's them!
- General Grant and RT?
- Are they in trouble?
Oh, my God, they're so far away!
- Turn it around.
- Turn it around.
Ah! They're gonna hang 'em!
Okay, okay, okay. I
think the only move here
is to get back on Harriet's
train and go to Canada.
learn manners, get healthcare,
pretend we like poutine.
Oh, I can't!
I can't pretend I like
lukewarm cheese curds.
There are no other options, Mingoes!
- Wait! I have an idea!
- Huh?
Oh!
It's just us.
Tell me there's gravity
without telling me there's gravity.
Me? Galileo? I go first.
Achoo! Ah!
Mamma mia!
Hey! I'm-a flying!
A-gravity not so real!
Oh no, I'm-a falling again!
Why didn't I invent the parachute-a?
"Shirley Chisholm."
Previously, on Shirley!
- Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me
- Well, great.
To run for president!
Alabama governor and
presidential candidate
George Wallace is
hospitalized after being shot.
This is terrible! What do we do?
We celebrate. I'm making a Manhattan.
From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
She's the first Black
congresswoman, she's Shirley ♪
It's been a long, hard
road, but hope was never lost ♪
'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Shirley! is brought to you
by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
I need to go see Wallace.
What are you talkin' about?
Uh-uh, Shirley, now, the
press is swarming the hospital.
If you go visit that
cuckoo Klux Klansman
your campaign is over!
But, it's the Christian thing to do.
All right, th that's
it, that's it. Cut!
Cut! Where's the director at?
What's going on now? Look,
I know you guys have us
doin' some crazy shit up in here,
but why in the world would Shirley
go visit George Wallace at the hospital?
Conrad, this is something
that actually happened.
- Really?
- Now get your butt over here,
and say your next line.
Action. All right, honey. If
you're goin', I'm goin' with you.
- Me, too!
- How about you, Mama?
I'm sorry. I can't hear
you over the stirring.
Did I really need to be
disguised in a full-body cast?
It doesn't even look like Conrad!
I ain't putting on that
thing. I'm claustrophobic.
This must be him.
You two stand guard.
Oh!
I see you're going to
check on Governor Wallace.
Uh, yes, I'm going to check his
oil?
Well then you wouldn't
mind administering
his next dose of painkiller
while you're at it.
Uh, you sure I should be doing this?
Yeah, it's the '70s.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to an interracial orgy
where everyone will have a huge bush!
Shirley! will be right back
after a bunch of cigarette commercials.
I am Rasputin, and this
is the human cigarette.
Oh! That did it!
Oh-ho-ho! My bottom half's on fire!
Come on, guys, put out the fire!
Relax, comrade, we will
give you golden shower.
Oh! Ho ho!
Oh, not in my face, comrade!
Now, back to "The Civil War."
Let's see, um, in the
new, uh, bestseller
I don't know if you guys
have heard of this new thing,
it's called the dictionary. Uh,
Daniel Webster just wrote it. Um
it defines honor as one
who brings worth or respect or
Okay, y-yeah. They're playing me off.
All right, I-I'm going.
Um, there are so many people
I have to thank still.
Um, everyone at UTA,
Jared Levine, Jared
Cohen, Jared Cohenstein
- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum
Okay! All right! All
right! That's enough.
We ain't got time for the Jew stuff.
- Okay, I'm still talking. I'm still
- That's enough, little boy!
That's enough, little boy.
Hang 'em!
Oh boy. Okay. Yeah, this is happening.
This is happening right now. Oh,
they got a guy. They got a guy.
Ladies and gentlemen, fresh
from their stint in Europe,
please welcome the Confederate Players!
Let's bring up our emcee.
He's First Nation and
first in your heart.
Give it up for Mingoes!
Oh, boy.
Hi. I'm, uh, I'm Mingoes.
Uh, so
I just came from St. Louis, and, uh
Oh wait, I was supposed
to say St. Louis, Missouri,
because this joke is about
the Missouri Compromise and
What, what?
He said, "You suck, weirdo."
Go. You got it. You're good.
Has anybody heard about this telegraph?
Ah, go back home, weirdo!
Y-You know, I would love to,
but a bunch of you colonizers
built an Ohio on top of my home.
I-I mean, if you're
gonna genocide a people,
you should get something
better out of it than Cleveland.
That is a good observation!
If your house is near a
river you can't pronounce,
you might be a colonizer.
It's working, Mingoes!
Did I just find my voice?
What else is going on here?
Is anybody here from Atlanta?
Yeah? Well, your shit's on fire.
Anyway, you guys
have been a bunch of inbred
demons rotten to your core,
but please welcome the Dixie Dicks!
Dixie Dicks?
- You know what to do, Mingoes.
- On it!
Oh, yeah!
Nice, a little music. I like
they do stand-up, then the music.
- Totally. We got a good view, too.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boy, I'll tell you what, it is
good to be back in the South.
Yeah, we just got back from the North.
Jesus Christ. Uh, you were
saying something, though,
- while we were leaving.
- Oh, I sure was, partner.
- What was that thing you were saying?
- Well, Dix,
I believe I said something like this.
Well, I've traveled
this great land of ours ♪
And let me be the first ♪
To say them Yankee states
are among the greats ♪
Of all-time rotten worst ♪
- So, fuck the North ♪
- Fuck the North!
Fuck that godforsaken North ♪
Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪
Fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
Massachusetts's filled
with snooty pricks ♪
New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪
And them fat cat porkers
they call New Yorkers ♪
Disgust me to my soul ♪
Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada ♪
And I hope New Hampshire follows ♪
And Illinois sucks
great big donkey dicks ♪
While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪
So, forgive the hateful
bile that we spew forth ♪
But we hate them fucking
fuckers, fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
- This song is highly offensive.
- Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.
It is a bop.
This is a fucking freak show.
Time to save the day.
Mingoes, we're running out
of states to sing about.
Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪
Filled with lowlifes,
chumps, and, cheese ♪
And Minnesota reeks of Viking
farts even when it's two degrees ♪
I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪
With all them shakin' quakin' losers ♪
And Indiana's worst of all ♪
Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪
So, fuck the North ♪
Fuck the North!
Yeah, fuck the lot ♪
- Hey!
- Hm?
Than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪
Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪
They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪
It's a land of snobs and dandies ♪
Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪
I say fuck them fuckin'
fuckers, fuck the North! ♪
Fuck the North!
Woo-hoo! ♪
Thank you! We are three Union
soldiers on a rescue mission!
I mean The Confederate Players!
Crabapples.
Hey!
What the hell we got here?
I got him! He was trying to escape!
- Yeah?
- Gimme your gun.
Yeah, get him. You can
Wha Oh, no! Hell nah!
Dammit.
Hey, what's up-a, famiglia?
It's your boy-a Galileo.
Boy, that gravity bit went more viral
than syphilis at a Borgia orgy.
Hashtag "borgy,"
which I understand is now trending?
LOL!
But-a, now that I have-a your attention,
I want to talk to you
about how the Earth
revolve around the sun.
I can prove it with a little something
called a telescope.
You may not have heard of it
because I just invented it.
"The Yalta Conference."
History is told in pictures,
and no one took those pictures
like the famed historical
photographer Sergei
alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay.
Watch him shoot Roosevelt,
Churchill, and Stalin
as the three men try
to end World War II.
Please, Mr. Roosevelt,
Berlin is in our quarter of the country.
We will make sure is safe, not to worry.
And who, Joseph, would
keep us safe from you?
The one in the middle
is driving me nuts!
Like, he's just got a dumb
suit like some bozo finance bro.
- Very bad.
- What do I do with him?
- This guy is useless.
- I have an idea.
Cape!
Cape!
Oh! You never cease to amaze me.
- Oh, my
- Okay, come on.
You're so smart!
- Ooh! Who is my big cape boy?
- Uh, I, I am.
Okay!
Daddy!
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- Yes!
- You saved the day!
- It looks good.
I-I will also take a cape.
No, you won't.
You grabby bitch.
All right, everybody, come on! Smile!
Ugh, repulsive.
I gotta shake it up. Attention!
At ease. Put your heads down.
Look left. Look right.
You're at a party.
You don't know anyone.
You're a little shy, but
you still make eye contact.
Show me your pearly grays!
- Oh, fuck, girl. Look at that.
- Disgusting!
- So terrifying.
- Ew!
You know what? We're
gonna fly in some props.
You're in a band!
Girls' night!
Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to?
Uh-oh! Winston, help her! She's
throwing up on the party bus!
You caught a fish! That's a big fish!
- Eh, we'll just go with this one.
- Yeah, it'll work.
Okay, I think we got it!
Thank you guys so much!
This was so much fun! Thank
you, thank you, thank you.
And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin.
They need to work on their club scene.
Am I right, you basic slut?
Please tell me you
found me a matcha latte.
I had to go to the Starbucks
in the supermarket to get it.
Uh, excuse me.
- Yes?
- Sorry to interrupt.
Do you shoot messy flag-raisings?
Because we have something
coming up in Iwo Jima.
Okay, you're embarrassing.
But you're adorable! Of
course, we'll be there! Obvi!
Baby, schedule some
waxes, we're going to
the South Pacific!
Almost! Almost there!
It's fabulous, daddy!
Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
Now, back to "Shirley Chisholm."
Tonight, on a very special
episode of Shirley!,
playing White racist
Governor George Wallace
is national treasure
comedian George Wallace.
Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse!
I am not your nurse.
Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor!
The only medical professional you need
is an equine proctologist
because you, sir,
are a horse's ass.
Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!
Oh, Lord, have mercy!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Now, you broke your bed!
This hospital is so cheap, when
I got my operation for anesthesia,
the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"
You come here to finish
the job? You gonna kill me?
I'm not here to finish the job.
I'm here to say I'm
sorry for what happened.
Well, I'm here as a racist
white man with a gunshot wound.
Now, get your ugly ass outta here.
A little prick for a big one.
Why, Shirley Chisholm, in
all my years, I have never
ever felt so
groovy.
Well, now that you've gone from
Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,
maybe you and I can have a
real conversation, George.
You got any of those little
funny cigarettes, Shirley?
George, we need to change
the political discourse in this country.
America doesn't need
more name-calling and gun fights.
America needs strong leadership
and more television channels.
You know, Shirley, truth is
- I'm scared.
- Aw
I'm scared of giving power to the people
that we've done so much harm to.
I'm scared that I'm not
really superior to anybody.
And I'm scared of olives. They
look like little witches' eyes!
They're going, "I'm gonna
get you and your little "
This is some good shit.
Just promise me one thing, Shirley.
Promise me no matter what happens,
we will always be friends.
I don't know about friends, George,
but let's not be foes.
Aw
Uh, Dr. Chisholm? Um, the press is here.
The press? I said, I said,
did you say the press?
Oh, I can't be associated
with you people.
- Y'all go on and get outta here, okay?
- Well, I guess the drugs wore off.
Wait. Before you leave,
would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?
Uh! If you think
Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm
is gonna be your servant,
- you got another
- No, no, no, no, Flo.
It would be my pleasure.
Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.
Let's get outta here.
Oh! Who's there?
Where are you taking me?
I hope to the food court!
I'll be performing at the world-famous
Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.
You can go see the Blue Man
or you can come see the Black man.
Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪
Ciao, famiglia. It's-a
your boy, Galileo.
I know you have-a not
heard from me for a while,
and that's because I was
arrested for heresy-a.
But the truth is-a nobody
love-a the church more than-a me!
Some of my best friends,
they're-a priests.
My two daughters, they are nuns.
Hashtag "Nun Dad."
So, I'm-a gonna go take some time away,
think about what I say.
I'm-a so sorry.
I-I don't mean any of it.
I want to reflect on what I
did and think about the gravity
of talking about gravity.
And maybe one day, I can come back
and just do goof-arounds
like I used to do.
That's it from me, Galileo.
To all of you I say, uh, Pisa,
Leaning Tower of.
Now, back to "The Civil War."
Shit.
If you're about to
hang a Native American,
you might be a colonizer.
You're shaking, sir.
You nervous about dying?
Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.
By the way, great rescue mission.
Oh, thank you. That means
a lot coming from you.
I'm joking. Look at us. We're fucked.
Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs are
guilty of espionage and treason!
Plus, that song you sang,
that don't have a proper hook.
It's a new type of song, okay?
Hang 'em!
Oh, shit. Dying sober.
I'm dying sober. Oh, this is the worst.
What's going on?
We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!
Thought they was gonna
save Grant without my help.
Dumbasses.
I'm comin', I'm comin'!
Hello? Hello, excuse me!
Is this the train to JFK?
What time is your flight?
- Uh, 4:00!
- You'll never make it.