Hit the Road (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Ken, it's 11:00.
You've been driving for 16 hours.
Doing great, honey.
Making good time.
Why didn't you wake me? I could've driven a few hours.
No, I am the bus driver, honey.
I drive the bus.
Mom, you left the outfits on the table again.
Now they smell like ass and armpits.
I cook, I teach, I shop How 'bout you be Mother's little helper and do some ass and armpits for five minutes? Are you kidding? I'd have to be more wasted than this baked idiot.
- Who? - Leave Alex alone.
He cleans the bathroom.
Clean the bowl.
I am cleaning the bowl.
- Not that bowl.
- (Yawns) Casey, the kitchen is a mess! It's your one and only chore.
I have prepared a statement.
"I am on strike until wage disparities on this bus are examined and rectified.
" I hear you, I feel you, now fold the laundry.
Ow! Whoa.
What are you taking? Oh, it's these little red pills that Alex gave me to stay alert.
- Mother's little helper.
- Alex, the, uh, the red pills up or down? - I gave you red pills? - (Spits) Would you focus for God's sakes?! This shit could kill me! Oh! No justice, no peace! No justice, no peace! - (Ring tone plays) - Oh, my God, Casey! - Aah! - Shut up! Somebody answer the goddamn phone.
Well, I'm definitely not getting it, 'cause it's under Dad's disgusting SPANX corset.
It's not a corset.
I wear that for breast support when I sing.
- Yeah, right.
- It's to hide your man-tits.
- Oh, shut up.
Kiss my ass.
- He's lying! It's a corset.
Yeah.
- Hello? - Hello? - It's Jermaine.
- Jermaine? - Jermaine? - Jermaine?! Why is he calling? You left me! I'm abandoned! What?! - (Rumbling) - Jermaine, where are you? Morganstown, West Virginia.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, I stopped there for gas.
He must've gotten out to use the bathroom.
Because you wouldn't let him use ours? Not for a number two! I was tired! I forgot! - Y'all still there? - Jermaine, honey, um, why didn't you call us any sooner? M-M-My cell was on the bus, and I had to wait for the manager.
God damn it! You forgot out child! - All right, leave me alone! - What kind of animal are you? That's not gonna help getting him back for God's sake! Well, then why don't you just pull off the road? What am I, in "The Fast and Furious" here? I can't do a Tokyo slide.
I need a turn out.
- Right there! - Where? (Crash) (All screaming) (Engine revving) (Engine stops) (Chicken clucking) - Everybody okay? - Ah, God fucking shit damn it! - What happened? - Well, it's not high-tech.
- The tire blew out.
- Tires don't just blow out.
That's exactly what they do.
They fucking blow out.
Would you stop swearing and tell me where the spare tire is? We don't have a spare tire.
Well, fuck my ass.
How can we not have a spare tire, Ken? Jermaine, are you still there? Oh, my Hmm? Oh, hey.
(Chuckles) Whassup? Honey, you sound a lot mellower.
(Slow-tempo music playing on radio) Uh, yeah.
Hi.
He was a little stressed out, I think.
He tried to grab a beer out of the cooler, but he looks a little underage, so I gave him a teeny dose of Cozy Doze just to take the edge off.
Now, let's figure out how we can get this young man back to you.
Thank you, thank you.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- We didn't realize it until it was too late.
We have never done this before.
I can't believe you, Dad.
You know, black lives matter.
You're playing the race card with me? - Dad doesn't see color, Casey.
- Thank you, Alex.
Or maybe it's Mom that doesn't see color.
One of them literally doesn't see color.
It was Kato, our old dog.
Right.
Damn, Dad! Black lives matter! All right, w-would you knock it off? I don't ever want to hear the phrase "Black lives matter" coming out of anybody's mouth ever again.
Hi.
- Whoa! - Uh Are you folks okay? - Yeah, we're great.
- Yeah, we're awesome.
Hi, I'm Butch Skelter.
This is my mom and dad Werner and Idina and my little sister, Mae.
Thank goodness you're all fine.
If you call this fine.
You certainly look fine.
- And here we go.
- Okay, thank you.
He's gonna be okay.
We can relax.
They're gonna put him on a bus, and he'll meet us at the gig in Illinois.
Hi.
Uh, you've obviously met our family.
We're the Swallows.
I'm Meg, this is Ken.
I heard you mention a gig.
Are you circus folk? - Circus folk? - Oh, no.
We're America's finest family band.
Family band? We got us some celebrities here.
Yeah, well, some stranded celebrities at the moment.
Yep Your tire looks pretty shredded.
Oh, but the rim and the axle, they seem fine.
- Yeah? - Hey, Pops, what about Zack over in Calico? He might have a new one.
Yeah, we got a buddy who could get us a a spare for this rig.
Um, I'll give him a ringy-ding, and we'll have one here by tomorrow.
Uh, no, no, no, no, i-it has to be today.
We We've got a show in Illinois tomorrow.
I can ask, but I I can't think how it's gonna get here by then.
Well, it only means we're out 7,500 bucks.
Oh, my.
Well, first things first, we'll get the tire here.
Until then, you will be our guests.
- Oh, thank you, but that's - Oh, no, you don't have Yes.
Mae, start setting for lunch.
Idina, really, we don't want to be a bother.
I don't see bother.
Does anyone see bother? TOGETHER: No, ma'am.
(Laughter) (Laughs) You like candy, june bug? I started this one for you.
(Laughs) Okay, we got to be over there in 15 minutes, so everybody has to take a 1-minute shower.
I'm starting to think these one-minute showers are the reason we smell like ass and armpits.
And I am taking a real shower, because I was just eye-raped by Bucky Butthole.
Do you know how dirty I feel? Really? That's what put you over the top? You know what? That reminds me, we're all out of soap and shampoo and toilet paper, so this is not just lunch, it's a shopping trip.
Wear pants with pockets, take a knapsack, okay? And don't grab anything too fancy.
These are nice people.
Then why are we stealing from them? Because you want to be able to wipe your little behind, don't you sweetheart, huh? Everybody be on your best behavior.
Yeah, Mom is right, okay? Don't embarrass us.
We are Swallow.
We also need dental floss.
- Let's pray.
- All right.
Gracious God, I just want to thank you for your bounty and for bringing our newest and dearest friends, the Swallows, to our table and into our lives.
- Mm.
- To this, we say amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
And, you know, as long as we are sharing our gratitude, I want to say we are so indebted to all of you.
- Oh.
- You are really saving our lives here.
Kenny, it is a a pleasure to help out wonderful, like-minded people who care about family values.
- Mm.
- Family values, yep, that is us.
(Silverware clatters) - Heh.
- Now, listen, we had a thought, and we just want to run it by y'all.
It's awful, you missing your concert.
So, we reached out to some people in our community, I told 'em we had America's finest family band right here in our home, and wouldn't it be wonderful to have a concert here tomorrow? - Oh.
- We'd take donations, and I bet you might make $3,000, $4,000.
- Yep.
- Oh, my Well, we don't know what to say.
So, we're not going to Illinois? What about Jermaine? I have to call him.
Who's Jermaine? Our adopted brother.
Dad forgot about him during a brief hiatus from family values.
Well, it's actually kind of a crazy accident, but we will meet up with him in Tuscola.
Yeah, we're not gonna be there.
Nope.
And he doesn't have his phone.
- Fu - Fudge! Fudge.
Fudge! Ah! Disseminate the information, Roland.
What? Disseminate the information, Roland! Okay.
I'll get right on that.
You forgot your own child? - Yep.
- How could you do that? - I don't know! - Mae.
Butch.
We're truly sorry, Mr.
and Mrs.
Swallow.
We didn't mean to add to your distress.
We'll show ourselves to our rooms.
No! Not on our account! Sit.
I want to apologize on behalf of my children.
That is not how we conduct ourselves.
We have a family charter.
Oh.
TOGETHER: Charity, humility, hard work, understanding, manners, prayer.
Well, listen to all of you chanting that out.
- Didn't see that coming.
- Mnh-mnh.
We live by that credo every day.
(Laughs) It's right here on this pillow.
It's lovely.
And I'd like you to have it.
- Oh - Oh, no! I-I could never take anything that precious.
No, no You are true celebrities traveling the world.
It's a gift for us to know our charter and our little pillow are traveling with you, spreading our common values.
- Amen.
- Mm-hmm.
It's truly and honor.
Shove it in there.
Mae, dear, why don't you take Casey to see the horses after lunch? Yes, Mama.
And, Butch, you can show Ria around the fields after chores.
- Yes, ma'am.
- The fields.
She would love to see the fields.
Do you want to see the fields? Go to the fields.
Now, do you need anything for the bus toiletries, snacks, anything? - Mm.
- Oh, it's okay.
- We already got everything.
- (Metal clangs) Wow.
Those people and that lady that helped Jermaine really puts things in perspective.
As parents, as a family, we suck ass.
Oh, we suck ass through a goddamn straw.
You said it, not us.
Hey! You're no better, neither one of you.
There is no respect, no gratitude in this family.
Yeah.
Did you see how those kids minded their parents? ALEX: We minded you.
Look, we even got - a waffle maker.
- That's not what I mean, although wow.
But I learned something in there.
Real families, good families, they function very differently than we do.
They they they live by a charter! - Chhump.
- Fuck you, moron.
No, the first letters spell "Chhump.
" Although, I think it's spelled with two M's.
I stand by what I said.
Okay, we don't want to be like the Skelters.
They're lame.
They literally have no souls.
All right, let me tell you something.
We are gonna learn from this family, all right? You see this pillow? From now on, this is how we do.
Disseminate the information, Roland.
Okay, I will.
I just have to use the restroom for a moment.
I have occasionally irritable bowels.
There's no number two on this bus! (Flatulates) What was that? I think I just disseminated the information.
So, uh, what are we, uh, doing here, Werner? Hittin' the woods, Kenny.
You must go crazy all cooped up on that bus.
Oh, well, I'm not much of an outdoorsman, not a big fan of the elements.
(Chuckles) I don't mean to pry, but you seem to be having a bit of a row with your family.
Yeah, well, it's embarrassing, but sometimes I really hate my family.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hate is human.
It's like every other feeling.
It can even motivate you.
You hate your job, you quit.
You hate your neighborhood, you move.
You hate the way people treat you, you can change that, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but but but how? By changing the way they see you.
- (Chuckles) - You a gun man, Ken? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I never actually shot one or, uh, held one.
- Hold that.
- Oh! Wow.
That's a little bit heavy, too.
There's a clarity and a power that comes with holding a firearm.
It says, "No doubts, no fear.
" And when you send that message to your family, they'll know that you're the man.
I'm the man.
Yeah, I like that.
(Both laugh) Hop in.
Huh.
No seatbelts, huh? No doubts, no fear.
Right, right, right.
No roof, no mirrors, - (Engine starts) - and I'm guessing no insurance.
- Golly no.
- Golly no.
(Screams) Golly You have a license for this thing?! Aah! - Cookie, Mrs.
Swallow? - Oh, thank you.
- (Sighs) - (Screaming in background) Idina, I don't know how you do it.
My God, I would never be able to get my kids to milk a cow or muck a chicken.
You know, I threaten, I demand, I beg.
Can't get 'em to do anything.
It's all about gratitude, Meg.
Folks do right when they're grateful, so I give with joy.
I cook because I know my family's grateful, I clean because I know they'll thank me.
And they show me with their respect and attention.
- Even Werner? - Yes! Werner and I are a team.
We each have different skills and strengths, but no decision gets made without me ever.
Yeah, but if you disagree, he wins, right? And then you're just the person who's cooking the food and cleaning the house and doing the laundry.
And he's the one who's naked, dirty, and hungry.
Oh.
- Whoa! - Ha ha! Hoo-hoo-hoo! - Nothing to it.
- Wow.
Now you.
Yeah? Gun stock to your shoulder.
Uh-huh gun stock to the shoulder.
- Sight down the barrel.
- Down the barrel.
Squeeze gently on the trigger.
Gently on the trigger.
- (Thud) - Oh! What'd I hit? (Laughs) The ground.
(Laughs) Oh, my God.
This is thrilling! I understand guns now! These things should be mandatory.
I'm glad I got to share this experience with you, Kenny.
This is the stuff I miss b-being a man, being strong.
I'm just soft, Werner.
You're not soft.
You're just a little doughy.
This'll steel your nerves.
- Whoo.
- (Chuckles) Ooh.
All right.
(Chuckles) Huh.
Huh? Whoa, baby Jesus! Make it myself.
Whoo! Whoo! Moonshine, huh? Mnh-mnh.
It's a cosmopolitan, but I make 'em strong.
You know, I got to tell you, I-I-I don't easily open up to other men, but I I feel really close to you, Werner.
Same here, Ken.
But no funny stuff, of course.
Yeah, no.
I-I know.
Yeah, what we're feeling is the bond of brothers.
Huh.
I never had a brother.
I'm an only child.
Not anymore.
The Swallows and the Skelters one family.
The Swelters.
- Swelters I like that! - (Both laugh) Come on! Bring it in! - Yeah? - Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, this is really nice.
I agree.
Still no funny stuff, though.
Yeah, I-I know.
When the corn's ready to harvest, then you can start planting soy and, you know, other plants, so Ah.
Yeah.
Well, uh, Ria, I'll see you, uh, for dinner.
And I'll see y'all later.
(Sighs) Okay, so we have to get the fuck out of here.
I hate this place.
I hate these people.
They are psycho.
At least you had company.
I got totally ditched.
I just spent the whole day blowing weed into a cow's nose.
Why would you do that? Why wouldn't I do that? This is horse shit.
- I know.
- Right? No, this is horse shit.
I fell.
I'm actually covered in literal horse shit.
Okay, well, I'm not spending another minute with these freaks.
They are corrupting Mom and Dad.
Okay, now we have rules and shit all because of that stupid pillow.
Yeah, that pillow is bad mojo.
What do you say we make another shopping run? Oh, my God.
Talk about bad mojo.
Oh, my God! This is the greatest day of my life! Whoa, honey.
This place looks amazing.
You look amazing.
What did you do? Oh, I cleaned with gratitude, I laundered with joy.
I did lesson plans for all the children, then I went into the the boudoir and I humbly gave myself a mani-pedi and a little trim downstairs.
You went full Vin Diesel? Uh-huh.
Honey, thank you so much.
We are living the pillow charity, humility TOGETHER: Hard work, understanding, manners, prayer.
- Start the bus! Drive! - Hey, hey, hey! That is not how you enter our home.
What home? It's the bus.
And your mom worked like a dog today to make this a home.
I did it with joy.
Yeah, so you will step back outside and re-enter with with with humility and manners.
- Dad! - Go! - Oh, my God.
- (Sighs) Mm.
Mama like.
- Mm.
- (Purrs) - (Growls) - We'll work on it.
- All right.
- Mom, Dad! So great to see you.
Wow.
The place looks great.
- Thank you, honey.
- Oh, and the Skelters are racist, Nazi Klansmen.
All right, let's go back outside and try it again.
Why would you say something like that? Well, for me, the tip off was when we found a big cross in their plow-shed.
All right, look, I grant you the Skelters are a bit overly religious, but having a cross does not make them into racists.
Burning it in someone's front lawn does.
Maria Swallow, you stop that right now.
That's hate talk.
You're making them into some kind of Hitler.
- Well, when in Rome - Hey, the Skelters live by the code of this pillow.
- Was Hitler anything on this pillow? - Hmm? Do you want to come see for yourself? Hey, just finishing chores.
Oh, well, the kids are wondering what this particular piece of equipment might be for, Butch.
Oh, this is a yoke, you know, for, like, horses.
It's kind of an antique.
- Oh.
- They make better ones now, but my grandpa made this when he was my age, so we like to keep it going.
- I guess the yoke's on us.
- I am going to vomit.
Thank you, Butch.
This was fascinating.
Thank you, so much, buddy.
Well, no I There.
Are you satisfied? Are you done maligning these good people because of your selfishness and lack of gratitude? Okay, I am telling you that there is something really weird going on, and if you don't see it, - then what the fuck? - Hey, we don't use that kind of language in this family.
- Yeah, we do.
- Shut the f forget about using it anymore.
Now, we are going to be dining with the Skelters.
Once you have cleaned up, you are welcome to join us if you can behave decently.
Screw that.
Yeah, I may just kick it in the bus.
(Sighs) Casey? Not me.
I'm showering.
I can't stand this horse shit anymore.
All right, that's it.
You are all grounded for the night.
- D - Uh What? This is actual horse shit.
I'm just sorry the children couldn't join us.
Oh, I know.
Well, it was a big day for all of us, and I I think we discovered what kind of family we want to be.
(Laughing) Yeah, your family.
(Laughter) Oh, Kenny, our family's just as nutty as yours some times.
- I can assure you.
- Well, I don't know about that.
- We We can be pretty nutty, right? - Pretty nutty! Like, the kids were walking around before You're not gonna believe this - (Ring tone plays) - They actually thought - It's Jermaine! - Oh, my God, I can't believe I forgot about him again.
Honey, we were waiting for you to call! Are you here at the bus depot? I-I-I can't see you.
No.
We couldn't get the tire repaired, so we are still at the farm in Indiana with the loveliest people.
Would you like to say hello? Not really! Sweetie, you sound a little upset.
I'm gonna die! - What? - Mom, I had an accident.
- Huh? - I soiled myself.
- Oh.
- And I can't stand it any longer.
Well, you can't actually die from that, but we will make sure to have some clean PJ's for you when you get here.
Now, I need you to get on a bus and go to Pine Lake, Indiana, 221 Pomona Road.
- You got that? - All right.
Okay, we will see you tomorrow.
Stay calm, honey.
We love you.
- T-Tomorrow? - Bye.
Oh, the poor thing.
How old is he? - 15.
- Oh.
He's on a great adventure.
Sounds like a resilient young man.
Yeah, yeah.
Not so much.
No.
Which brings me to your other children.
We know what they did.
- Um - You do? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
We don't mind them taking the bathroom items and some of the cutlery.
We figure you need them.
But I do have to ask you to bring the waffle iron back.
- Oh! - (Laughs) A waffle iron? Those little sticky-finger devils.
- That's a big item! - They took a waffle iron! - Yep.
- I can't believe it.
- Oh, boy.
- I think it's gonna take them a little while to embrace the ideals of the pillow.
Oh, thank God for the pillow, right? - Yes.
- Yes.
A toast.
To the Swelters.
- What's that? - I'll tell you later.
To the Swelters.
Thank you for a great day.
And I've got a feeling in my heart tomorrow's gonna be even better.
Amen! - Amen.
- Amen.
Amen.
Praise Him.
(Grunting) Ah.
Come on! Ah.
Brother! Come on! All right.
Everyone is really excited.
The donation bucket is overflowing.
Boy, your friends really came through.
I told you they would.
- Y'all ready? - Yeah.
We're gonna have to do this without Jermaine.
All right, I'll send Butch in to introduce you.
- Knock 'em dead, brother.
- Thanks.
- I'm proud of you.
- Thanks.
All right, you tell me that's not a beautiful man.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
- Can I speak? - No, you may not.
We'll let you know when you can.
Hey there, Swallows.
Ready to rock the house? Is that the voice of my favorite young - Nazi? - Thanks.
I waited to change into my nice shirt to intro you guys.
Anything special you want me to say? Ria, speak.
Uh, maybe just give us a minute.
Yeah, my family has this tradition where my parents eat shit before we go on.
Uh, sure.
Yeah, just let me know when you're ready to go.
(Inhales sharply) Oh, my God! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I did not see that coming.
- We tried to tell you.
- What's the plan? Dad covers while we pack the equipment? Fuck that! Let's get out of here.
No, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait! We can't leave.
If we don't play, we don't get paid.
We need the cash.
Ken, he's a Nazi.
I am Jewish.
You're half-Jewish, and it's only on your father's side, and the Jews don't even count that.
- Nazis do! - Crowd's ready.
I'll bring y'all up.
- I am not doing this.
- It's really not right, Dad.
Daddy, I'm scared.
No fear, no doubts.
- What? - We are not running away.
I'm not scared of the Skelters.
Yeah, they're a bad apple, a very, very sucky apple, but you know what? There's a whole community of good apples out there that paid to see us, and I'm not gonna let that sick bastard take that away from us, because if we do the bad apples win, and they take the entire orchard down with 'em.
Okay, enough with the apple metaphor, hon.
- Right.
- Yeah.
I thought that they were better than us.
They can't touch us even when we suck.
We suck? Sometimes, Case.
Sometimes we suck.
But I would rather suck as a Swallow than shine as a Skelter.
As a motivational speech, it was a bit bumpy, but I love you.
- I love all of you.
- BUTCH: Howdy, everybody! How we all doing today? (Cheers and applause) Yeah! Come on, guys.
We got this.
We got it.
Come on.
We can do this.
It's my pleasure today to introduce you to some of our friends.
Come on.
It's for the good apples.
Good apples.
Everybody, please welcome Swallow! (Cheers and applause) Thank you! Thank you so much! All right! Are you ready to rock? (Cheers and applause) Well, then What the fuck? Looks like there's more than one sucky apple, Dad.
- Oh! So that's how it is? - Jermaine! So, I-I'm out of the band and out of the family? W-What kind of horse shit is this? J-Jermaine, son, come on come on up here.
Oh! Oh, so so now you want to be with me? - Yeah.
- Yeah, 'cause yesterday, you left me on the side of the road for the perverts and lunatics - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- treated me no better than a dog.
(Cheers and applause) What the hell are y'all applauding? No! Jermaine! Shh, shh! No, don't tell me to "Shh"! - (Groans) - Okay? I-I I am a proud black man.
(Crowd murmuring) (Shouting) (Screaming) - Come on! - They gonna kill me! - Fucking gun it, Dad! - I'm trying! Dad and I are so sorry! If we die here today, we love you so much.
All right, all right No one is hurting my family.
Jermaine, go to the back of the bus.
The back of the bus? Great.
It never ends.
All right, kids, go with him, and keep your heads down.
- Oh, my God.
- Ken, open the door.
I am not speaking to you.
Please, Kenny.
We need to talk.
Oh, now we need to talk.
I opened up my heart to you.
- Ahh! - You might've at least mentioned that you were a Nazi.
- I thought you were, too.
- Based on what? You yelled you never wanted to hear that black lives matter.
- What the hell? - It was contextual! If I were a Nazi, you would know it, all right? I would be all tatted up just like Butch, who at least has the courage of his convictions.
Where are your tattoos? I'm scared of needles.
- Suck it up for Christ sakes! - Pussy.
What kind of a Nazi are you? You think all Nazis are the same? And you accuse us of groupthink.
Are you fucking kidding me right now? - What is her deal? - She's a Nazi.
- You're a Nazi! - Yeah, we we we we got your money.
I'm not taking your dirty Nazi money.
Meg, take the man's dirty Nazi money.
We had something, Ken.
We can work this out.
I know it.
Can you accept my family with my Jewish wife and my black son, as equals? I'll never forget you, Ken.
Drive safe.
Butch and I loaded your stuff back in the cargo hold.
(Indistinct shouting) - Hey! - Ow! Drive! Remember to share the values of the pillow with the world! (Indistinct shouting)