Hollywood Darlings (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

This place is so cute.
And I love the fact that you can actually sit in the restaurant while your kids are in another room.
Well, I'm just excited to be out of the house.
And you know what? She's asleep.
So I've got like a 25 minute window here.
So let's just, like, eat so that I can get out - and maybe do some shopping.
- How nice is it to be able to talk about whatever the fuck we want to? - Ah.
- [laughs.]
Ugh, it's so hard.
Like, I am so good at home.
I do not curse around the kids, but, like, - once I'm out I just wanna - Excuse me, Ms.
Sweetin.
- Yes? - Good news.
Your kids are having a wonderful time.
- Oh, good.
- Um, unfortunately, I'm gonna need you to come get your daughter.
She just screamed, uh, "Holy fuck, this is the best fucking puppet show I've ever seen in my entire fucking life.
" [plucky music.]
Oh, okay.
Well, I will I will be back.
So Yeah.
- At least she likes it.
- Yeah.
You know, that's a plus.
- Yeah.
- I mean, she used it appropriately, so In her defense, it is a fucking great puppet show.
Hutton, stop eating the sand.
Why does he keep eating the sand? - Did your kids do that? - They ate sand for years.
Kids are just gross till they're like ten.
Hi.
Sorry, guys, we're late.
Getting out of the house is like wrangling cats.
So I know it's almost time for our six-month girl's trip and I am planning this time.
You know, we were thinking like Santa Inés, Ojai.
Right? Oh, the Art's Festival? Yeah, we're not doing that anymore.
Instead, we're gonna go camping.
- I love camping! - Oh, fuck! Come on, this is gonna be amazing.
There's this campsite I've been wanting to go to for, like, ten years.
Drew Barrymore goes there all the time to just, like, totally detox.
- I love it.
- Thank you.
I have a whole section in my garage - that's all dedicated to camping.
- Of course you do.
I actually got this new Dustbuster and we can do S'mores.
There's this brand-new chair that I got, too, that Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
Okay, once we build houses I don't see why there is - any need to go outdoors.
- You know what? - We are excited about this.
- Yeah.
This is her weekend.
She planned it.
- It's her turn.
- This is an opportunity for me to do my thing with you guys.
Okay? You're gonna love this.
Apparently, Heather and Nicholle Tom they're going up there to scout locations for Heather's new movie and they have an extra campsite right next to them.
Can I say I'm a little bit nervous about the Tom sisters? Do you remember all the pranks they used to pull? We grew up in the business with the Tom sisters.
Heather's a soap star and Nicholle was in "Beethoven" and "The Nanny.
" Yeah, and we love them to death, but you really have to watch your back around them 'cause they are master pranksters.
[laughs.]
Do you remember that holiday party I had when they switched out my bathroom air freshener with an air horn? I still can't hear in this ear.
Yeah, that was That was really fucked up.
Yeah.
What? They're not like that anymore.
They're totally grown up.
They're really excited to see you guys.
We're going camping.
You know what? If you fuck this up, you are never planning a girl's weekend again.
- Okay? - Ooh.
I'm scared.
- Whoo-hoo! Road trip! - My ass is way too big to wedge myself in between these two car seats.
I am not sitting like this all the way to the campground.
- I gotta pee.
Can we - You had to pee, - like, 15 minutes ago.
- There's probably a bottle I can't pee in a bottle! What am I gonna do? Yes, you can.
You kids are driving me crazy! Don't make me turn this car around! Both: Sorry, Beth.
[birds chirping.]
Okay, so let's have a little safety meeting.
- Okay.
- What is all this shit? I know we're out here for two days, but you never know if we're gonna be stuck out here longer.
What are you doing? Why do we have all of this? I like to be prepared.
So I've got the food brick - in case we need food - Wow.
- We can survive off of this.
- Okay.
This is disgusting and you could kill somebody - with this thing.
- Ooh, light sticks.
I like your style.
[imitates dance music.]
No.
No, that Those are those are Okay, these are for emergency purposes only.
And is this a rape whistle? Is this like in case Christine comes into my tent in the middle of the night? [laughs.]
You wish.
Exciting.
Okay, wait.
[mumbles.]
Okay, I'm just saying if anything goes sideways out here we are well prepared to survive.
What? Like a zombie apocalypse? I mean, you never know what's gonna happen.
I mean Yeah, if there was a zombie apocalypse, first of all, you wanna be with somebody that's good at improvising.
Winging it.
Being able to steal a car or loot a grocery store or, like, turn anything into a shiv, all right? Like, I could do that.
You don't need all this crap.
You don't wanna "wing it" in a zombie apocalypse.
You want to be prepared.
Lakin, who would you go to if there was a zombie apocalypse? You know what? If there was an earthquake, Bev, I would come to your house, but if there was a zombie apocalypse, sorry, I'd go with Jodie.
Shivs.
[upbeat music.]
Teriyaki salmon with some roasted beets.
Oh, yeah, little something.
Oops, sorry.
Ooh, my cheese is in your way.
- What do you call that? - Oh, it's the 711 special.
Some Cheeze-Its, some string cheese - [fly buzzing.]
- Some beef jerky.
You know, it covers all the food groups.
I am very excited about my meal.
- Did you just make that? - No, I got it from Cookout.
All the packaging it comes in is biodegradable and it actually has seeds in it.
So before you leave your campsite, you just plant it underneath your tent and then you leave and plant a tree.
It's cute, right? I know you're not quite prepared, so I'm honestly willing to share.
No, I'm good.
Okay.
Ah.
This This is so good.
- Ee! There they are! - Yeah! Oh, my God! - All: Hi.
- [overlapping chatter.]
- Ooh, there they are.
- So good to see you.
- Your hair.
- Good to see you! - Aww, good to see you.
- So happy you're here.
- Same.
- This is amazing.
- Isn't it beautiful? - Yes.
Have you had a chance to explore a little bit yet? - Little bit.
Yeah.
- Well, we are up here scouting locations for this short film - that we're working on.
- Oh, that's right.
- Christine mentioned that.
- Yeah, so exciting.
It's gonna be really cool.
It's like this magical, - realism, zombie thriller - Fantasy thriller.
- Comedy.
- Wow.
So it's a little bit of everything.
- Wow.
- And we took this amazing hike today and we found this waterfall and its perfect for one of our scenes.
So if you guys are going up tomorrow and you wanna do some hiking - Yes.
- Yeah, we're down for that.
I would love it if you would wear some body cameras - Okay.
- I'm shooting everything in first person so I can get some extra footage that way - and it'd be amazing.
- Yeah.
- About how long is this hike? - Easy.
It's just like - right up the hill, to the left.
- Easy breezy.
Perfect.
You can work up an appetite for that beef jerky you got there.
[plucky music.]
- Is this thing on here right? - Yeah.
I think that looks real good.
I feel like I've worn one of these before with more, like, leather and studded though.
- Hmm.
- You know? Hey, guys, should I grab the bear bomb - or the bear spray? - Beer bongs? No, no I'll just bring both.
Beth, it's a two hour hike.
Like, we do this every weekend.
It's nature, you never know what's gonna happen and I learned in Girl Scouts that there is no such thing - as being over prepared.
- [whispers.]
Oh, my God.
You gotta be prepared for anything.
- Good morning.
- Hey, guys.
- All: Hi.
- Good morning.
- [overlapping chatter.]
- Both: Muah! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, you already have 'em on.
- Yes! - Yes, we do.
- Awesome.
- Is this right? - Both: Yes.
- Here.
- Let me just turn you guys on.
- Okay.
Ooh.
You just press these little buttons.
If you're gonna turn me on, you gotta go a little - farther to the left, doll.
- [laughs.]
You just put it in between your little tatas.
- All right.
- Got it.
And then just show it off like a chocolate.
- Ooh.
Okay.
- Yeah.
So do you guys have a trail map? - No, it's so easy.
- No, it's really easy.
- You just go up the hill - Okay.
- And then there's this - Really big tree.
- And you just make a left.
- We go up.
We go down.
I mean, really how else There's a hill.
- Where else we going.
- Easy peasy.
- In and out.
- Thank you for doing this.
Okay, I just You know what? I have a few more things.
I'm gonna grab the compass and, um, I'm just gonna make sure that I have everything.
What is this, eighth grade math class? Seriously, though, Bev, this isn't "Into the Wild.
" I mean, there's probably a Starbucks like three miles away from here.
Ooh.
Ooh ooh ooh.
Postmates.
I can have us cappuccinos here by the time we get back.
Put down the phones.
We're in nature.
This is the whole point.
Breathe in with me.
- Just breathe.
- Okay, fine.
What do you smell? That's mother nature, my friend.
- I smell some sort of shit.
- I do smell shit.
I have been smelling that.
I don't know where that's coming from.
- Ugh, disgusting.
- It's not on my Okay, well, just breathe through your mouth.
- Like [inhales.]
- Ew.
Hold on! I'm coming! How long is this gonna take? - A couple of hours.
- If it's more than two hours, - I'm turning around.
- Look what I almost forgot.
A rope?! Oh, my God.
- You never know what you're gonna need.
- I'll hang you with it.
Ah, this is gorgeous.
This is way better than L.
A.
hiking.
I haven't heard one thing about anybody's gluten allergy - or a shitty failed pilot - [laughs.]
Or how many steps they've taken on their Fitbit.
Ooh, guys, guess what? We have already gone over six miles.
Like, almost 22,142 steps.
- That's really good.
- You guys, look.
- [shimmering tone.]
- It's a sign.
- Yeah, bear sign.
- It's a big, yellow sign.
No! I mean about my spirit animal.
Okay, well, speaking of spirit animals, do you guys actually know what you need to do - if we do encounter a bear? - Run.
If it's a brown bear, you need to make a lotta noise.
So you bang pots and pans.
If it's a black bear, you make yourself look really big so you, like, throw your sweater up in the air and swing it around.
And if it's a grizzly bear, you're dead.
Okay, well, I don't think we're going to encounter any grizzly bears.
Come on, you guys, we gotta be close to the waterfall.
- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
You know what? I think we should head back because it's gonna be dark soon.
No, I am not gonna hike for two and a half hours and not see this gorgeous waterfall.
- We're almost there.
- Yeah, we've come this far.
Yeah, this is the most excited I've ever seen her outdoors.
- Yeah! Look at me.
- Don't kill this for me.
I'm in nature and I'm not crying.
All right, here.
You take these because I'm gonna head back and I guarantee you that you guys are gonna be in the dark.
We're not gonna be in the dark.
- It's a party.
It's a party.
- Ooh, yeah.
Mirror ball.
- Okay, that's not - [both hooting.]
That is not what they're for.
That's not what they're for.
- All right, Bev, have fun.
- Bye! - Good luck.
- You know, nature has never - steered me wrong, my friend.
- [insect buzzing.]
Ow! Fuck.
[insect buzzing.]
Ow! Ugh! Oh, these little buggers and mosquitoes are out for blood.
Hmm.
Maybe mosquitoes are your spirit animal.
[sarcastic.]
Mosquitoes are your spirit animal.
[normal voice.]
I don't think so.
This nature thing isn't fun anymore.
All right, listen, we're almost gotta be at the waterfall by now.
Are you kidding me? Have we been here before? Your little spirit guide isn't very good with fucking directions, now is it? I don't get it.
We took a left every time - we saw a big tree.
- Yeah, four lefts is a circle! You know what? This is stupid.
It's starting to get dark.
Maybe Bev was right.
- Maybe we should just call her.
- No.
No, I-I-I refuse to call Beverley, okay? I am not gonna hear for the rest of my fucking life how she was right.
Oh, I don't have any service anyway.
This is nothing.
I've survived way worse.
All right, nature is not gonna be the thing that takes me out.
- I'll tell you that much.
- Okay.
- Okay? - You know what? You're right.
Let's just pick a direction and try and make it back to camp.
Okay, I think we go this way.
You know, all streams lead back to camp.
- Just follow the stream.
- No.
No.
Tha No.
That's "all rivers lead back to the ocean.
" Is that what they say? That's the saying? Actually, will you just Can we pit stop here? Because this bear's gotta make a her own stream.
- [groans.]
- If you know what I'm saying.
- Fine.
- Just watch my back.
I really don't wanna watch your back.
I don't have any toilet paper.
Oh, you know what? It's fine.
I'm just gonna use these leaves.
- Very nature-y.
- Okay.
[plucky music.]
- Oh.
Ooph.
- Ow! I think I may have accidentally wiped myself with poison oak.
- I'm so itchy.
- [branch snaps.]
I swear to God something's tracking us.
- [both panting.]
- I keep hearing something.
I don't know where to go.
Oh, my God.
- We can go that way.
- I'm not going that way.
It looks like an M.
Night Shyamalan movie.
We can't go that way.
That's like a cliff.
I don't know where the hell we are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was pretty obvious about two and a half hours ago! - I know! - Every time that you have an idea like this something terrible happens.
This one is gonna fucking kill us.
Oh, God.
I'm covered in mosquito bites, my vagina's on fire, we don't know where we are! Look, I always trust Mother Nature, but Mother Nature's really becoming a motherfucker right now! Look, I have a bad feeling and there's a very good chance we're gonna get picked apart by whatever is following us.
I feel like before that happens, I need to make a few confessions to you.
Okay.
Go.
My food tonight, I didn't get from Cookout, I got it from the supermarket.
And the worst part of it is, it came in Styrofoam.
- Oh, my God, I hate myself! - Oh, my God.
[somber music.]
You know, we all do stuff to look cool.
I say my favorite movie's "Scarface," it's fuckin' "Beaches.
" - I love "Beaches.
" - I know, right? You're the wind beneath my wings.
You're the wind beneath my wings.
I was just talking about the song.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
You know what? I-I've lied to you.
I have never watched an episode - of "Step by Step.
" - What? I wanted our friendship to, like, be based on real stuff, not like, "Oh, you're so funny as Amy" - Am - Both: Al! I'm sorry.
Okay? Okay.
I have one last confession.
Just because this is probably our last night together as friends, you have the best boobs.
I've just, like, always wanted to touch them.
I don't want you to die with any regrets.
- [both sniffle.]
- Go for it.
- [sighs.]
- [leaves rustling.]
- [screams.]
- What was that? - I don't know.
- Oh, God, what was that? - Oh, my God it's coming.
- It's the spirit bears.
They're pissed off at me about the Styrofoam.
[crying.]
They know! Pull yourself together! Spirit bears are not real! I know I'm a fraud! It's a real bear, you asshole.
- [leaves rustling.]
- [both scream.]
Okay.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, um - what did Beverley say? - Bang Bang pots and pans.
Do you have any pots and pans? Why the fuck would I have pots and pans?! I don't know! I don't know what I'm doing out here! No! Make yourself big! Big! Big! - Here we go! Wave things.
- Like this? - [screams.]
I don't wanna die.
- [scared laugh.]
- I don't know if this is right.
- [branches cracking.]
- [both scream.]
- This way! Oh, my God.
[crying, screaming.]
[branches cracking, leaves rustling.]
- Oh, shit! - [crying.]
What was that?! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
They're everywhere! [crying, screaming continues.]
[wolf howls.]
- There's something out here - [wolf howls.]
[whimpering.]
And it's gonna eat us alive.
And I need this record to serve as my last will and testament in case we don't make it out of here.
[whimpering.]
I need my agents to know that I'm so sorry.
I regret turning down "The Wire.
" - You turned down "The Wire"? - It was the early '90s.
- No one was doing cable.
- Oh, wow.
God, I'm sorry.
- [sniffles.]
- My turn.
I want to say something to the producers of "Fuller House.
" I have a few ideas on how I think Stephanie should be written out of the show.
I think she should run into this burning building, you know? She, like, sees this high-rise and she's like, "Oh, my God.
There's babies on top of it.
" And she, like, goes up to the 14th floor and it's like all these orphans there and she, like, grabs babies.
Just all the babies.
Okay, that's a little mu That's Really? That's like I think that's, like, a little too far.
Just saying.
Okay, okay.
Oh, God, we're out of water.
We're gonna die of dehydration in like 30 minutes.
- Jodie, we need to call Bev.
- Why? What's the point? Nobody's gonna hear us.
We're just gonna be shrieking like crazy people.
How do you even wandering - for six hours? - [screams.]
Beverley! - Bev! - Bev! [crying.]
Beverley! [crying.]
Bev! Both: Beverley! - Hey, guys.
- Aah! - Beverley! Oh, my God.
- Aah! [overlapping excited chatter.]
Hi, guys.
Hi.
We never thought we'd see you again.
You gotta get us outta here, Bev.
These woods not cool.
You guys ready to get outta here? Both: Yes! - Well, I just need you - to do one thing.
- Anything.
- Yeah, whatever you want.
- I'll do anything.
Well, I just need you to admit that I was right - and you were wrong.
- Oh, yeah, you were totally right.
I should've listened to your safety talk.
I disrespected Mother Nature, I should've been totally prepared.
I should've brought the glow sticks.
Nature will be a bitch to you if you don't listen to it.
- Mm-hmm.
Jodie? - Hmm? I was wrong.
And [clears throat.]
the other part.
- You were right.
- Hm.
- [whispers.]
Thank you.
- Do you guys wanna know - where you are? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
- All right.
- Please.
[car alarm chirps.]
- Is that your car? - Uh, yeah.
[together.]
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
Oh, yeah, you guys have been circling the parking lot - for the past few hours.
- How do you Wait have you been tracking us? I can't believe you've watched us go through all of that.
- Yeah.
- First of all, you were never in any danger, and second of all you needed to learn your lesson that it is very important to be prepared, and third of all, Jodie, Christine's right, - you really do have nice boobs.
- Oh, why thank you.
- Such a good rack.
- Thanks.
I know, right? - They're really good.
- This really highlights 'em.
- Quite impressive.
- Yeah, I like this.
Seriously fucked up, Bev.
- It's fucked up that you know - Yeah.
We were going through all of this - and you just let us do it.
- You guys were safe the whole time.
There is nothing out here.
[branches crack.]
What was that? [leaves rustle.]
Seriously, what was that? - Are you doing that? - No, that is not me.
[gravel crunches.]
Oh, my God something's coming! Run! [all screaming.]
- Stalker! - [pants.]
I'm not a bear.
I've never been a bear.
I'm a squirrel.
I'm just a little squirrel.
I just wanna go and, like, put nuts in my mouth.
I don't wanna be here.
[crying.]
Jodie, what are you doing?! I'm trying to send a signal in Morse code, but I don't know any Morse code.
[dramatic music.]
Christine? Christine! - Hey, Bev.
- [Beverley screams.]
I found my happy place and now you guys should too! [panting.]
What do you think? [plucky music.]
- Good, isn't it? - Wait so it was you guys tracking us? I just can't believe you you tricked us - into making a movie.
- Oh, you're so open - and it's so raw.
- You're so real.
- I mean, you - Yes, it's real! - looked really scared.
- Uh, because we were - fucking terrified, Heather! - Okay.
And you know what? I told you.
I told you that they were up to no good.
Christinie - you're brilliant in it.
- Oh, my God.
- You too.
You too, Jodie.
- Oh, my God I was cutting it together, and just, like, bawling.
I mean, bawling.
It's just like - It's brilliant! I mean - So touching.
Like, it just gets you right in the gut.
- Like I It's amazing.
- I think it's some of - your best work.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- It's so real! - The whole poison oak thing? - Love it! - Whoa, I mean, like I'm telling you it's gonna change the way people see you.
It's gonna get a lot of attention.
We are gonna do the festival circuit.
- Really?! - Yeah, like, it's gonna be - I mean, it's gonna be huge.
- Sundance? - Sundance, Telluride, Canne.
- Ohh.
I mean, we're going after all the big ones.
De Moines.
I've never been to France.
- They're gonna love you.
- Yeah.
Oui oui.
[squeals.]
We're going to a festival.
You sure changed your tune quickly.
Hey, that night in the woods was a small price to pay for a trip to Canne.
Yeah, tell that to your vagina.
[whispers.]
We're going to Canne.
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
- That was delicious.
- So good.
So happy you guys enjoyed that.
- Yeah.
- Might run through ya - kinda fast.
- What are you saying? We put laxatives in your frittata.
- Oh, that? - [both laugh.]
We switched the plates.
You didn't think we'd fall for the old laxatives in the frittata trick, did ya? - What about her? - Oh, we knew she didn't have anything to do with it.
[smooches.]
Love you, Bev.
- Okay.
All right.
- I gotta No, I gotta go now.
- There's a bush.
- I gotta go now! - Gotta go! - Watch out for the poison oak! Oh! I've some more things I need to be honest about.
Experimented a little bit in college.
You know I was I was a Young Republican.
Something else I need to confess.
I water my lawn like five times a week.
I know there's a drought.
I hate myself for it.
- I love Enya.
- Brandon, sweetheart, I just want you to know, I want you to be able to move on.
You deserve to get married again.
Okay? But if you marry Tina I will fucking haunt you from the grave.