Home for Christmas (2019) s01e05 Episode Script
Heartache
1 A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES [boy.]
I think she's here.
DECEMBER 18TH - Hi.
I've been texting you all day.
- [Johanne.]
Sorry! - [boy.]
Yay! - There are my crazy little guys! [boy.]
Do you have any chocolate? - You can't have chocolate right now.
- [boy.]
But, Momma! You think you'll still make your choir thing? I'm not really worried about that.
We've been to five of those already, so I don't care.
I'm more worried about being late for our reservation at Maaemo, or did you forgot about that? Oh, God Oh, sorry! It's fine.
We only have three boys and never get time to ourselves - [Johanne's brother-in-law.]
Hi! - Oh, hi! - Hello.
- [Johanne.]
There's the little pooper.
I've changed his diaper, but he went down for his nap a bit late.
- Did you nap a little? - Don't worry about it.
- I'm sure we'll make it.
- Great.
Now you're pretending to be chill.
You were as pissed as I was five minutes ago.
- OK, have fun.
- Enjoy yourselves! Bye-bye! - Have a good time! - Later.
I'm frozen! And it's cold! Keep moving around.
Do the hokey pokey.
- What's that? - [Johanne.]
The hokey pokey? You put your right arm in You put your right arm out You put your right arm in OK, never mind.
Tord, take this.
Watch a cartoon or something.
What? [Johanne.]
You know my passcode, right? How do you work this contraption? [Johanne grunting.]
Come on! - [Johanne grunts.]
- Auntie, you got a snap! - Who is Fuck Boy? - And we're done playing now.
- Phone Phone! - [Tord grunts.]
Oh, God.
.
Is he your boyfriend? No, we We're just friends.
Just friends? [Johanne.]
I don't know.
Don't ask.
Why are you just friends? Sometimes grownups meet and like one other a whole bunch, but not enough to be together.
So, we're not like your mommy and daddy, but technically blood flows down there to the genitals and stuff.
They get bigger and make good pals with each other.
- What are genitals and stuff? - I don't want blood down there.
Your willy.
Do the willies play hopscotch together? - I take it Mommy hasn't talked about this? - No.
OK.
How about we forget what I said and leave that for your parents to sort out? Is Willy coming with you for Christmas? [cheering and whooping.]
[crowd cheering over TV.]
- No! - [Tor groans.]
That was the last target! [Tor laughs.]
I can't believe she missed that.
[groans loudly in frustration.]
She won't qualify now.
- Are you OK? - Yep.
- Are you cold? Hungry? - I'm good.
Mom baked for us.
[Johanne.]
Wow.
Excited for Christmas? Not really.
I'm not surprised.
Because finding a boyfriend is not easy.
You broke up? No, there never actually was a guy.
What do you mean? I basically made him up.
Why would you do that? [Tor laughs.]
Huh? Mom and Maria were nagging me incessantly about getting a boyfriend, so I kind of - So, you improvised? - Basically.
Mom just wants you to be happy.
- We all do.
- Yeah, no, I understand.
But the world seems to have transformed into a place for only families and couples, as if being alone is the worst thing ever! Yeah, I get that.
But overall, you're alright? Oh, yeah absolutely.
It's nice to have companionship, though.
- It sure is.
- Like your marriage.
- Don't repeat that to Momma! - I wouldn't dare.
But I think you should you know, talk to her, before she finds out.
Yeah.
Well, that's just my opinion.
- Hi! - You do what you want.
- Hi! - [Stein.]
Fancy seeing you here! Yeah.
This is my dad Tor.
- [Stein.]
Hi, Papa Tor.
- A pleasure! - I'm Stein.
- Stein.
Very nice.
- Can I sit here? - Go ahead.
- Nice to see you again.
- I feel like I need to apologize.
Do you mean for the ski trip or the little fistfight? Both, really.
A fistfight, huh? I think "fight" might be too strong a word for it.
More like two boys shoving.
- Shoving is alright.
- Shoving is alright! [Tor laughs.]
Full disclosure: I was pretty hammered that evening.
So, I wasn't my best my best self, either, to be honest.
You were popular that night.
God! Yep.
- Want some? - Thanks.
Are you a biathlon fan? Yeah, I love it.
I was a biathlete.
- Oh, yeah? - I was on the junior national team.
- Oh.
- [Stein.]
Not to brag I never even made it to the top.
It's still cool.
Yeah.
- I used to do the ski jump.
- Oh, yeah? [Tor.]
Yep.
But I hurt my back in the Junior World Championships.
And that's all she wrote, as they say.
That's an extreme sporting merit.
[cell phone pings.]
- Want me to top you off? - [Stein.]
Please do.
That's good.
Come on! Some for you? - Work is calling me.
- No.
Really? - Yeah.
- [Stein.]
Do you want a ride? You're drinking Dad and Reinertsen's moonshine, so probably not! I've only had a little sip.
[growls.]
Dad, I feel bad.
I'm sorry.
Bente says it's a crisis, so I - It really is a crisis.
- What else is new? [Johanne sighs.]
Yeah [Tor.]
Well, have a good shift.
See you.
[Tor.]
Come on! [Tor shouts.]
Yeah! - [Stein.]
Well - [Johanne.]
OK, later.
- [Stein.]
It was nice seeing you.
- Yeah, same to you.
I've got to - [shouts.]
Yeah! - Have a good day! - Is it OK if I sit here? - [Tor.]
Yeah, be my guest.
- Cheers.
- [Tor.]
Cheers.
[Sebastian pants.]
[Johanne.]
Wow.
What's going on? You've been nagging me, saying I should shape up.
Yeah.
I'm having a visitor later.
The girl I told you about.
I thought I might kind of get a little swole, you know? Yeah.
So, what changed? Well, sometimes it's maybe not so lame to ask for help.
So, you're really going to Yep.
I want to do the Trasopp Clinic for four weeks.
I figure it's a start.
Then we'll see how it goes.
[Sebastian.]
Thank you.
Hey, Johanne.
I was wondering if you could possibly give me a quick update on the endocarditis? - Oh, Sebastian? - Yes.
I'm considering sending him home with a prescription and have him come in for IV treatment maybe every other day.
I'm figuring out how to free up some beds, make some space OK, we shouldn't discharge him considering his history.
I doubt he'll bother showing up here every other day, so I think you should keep him here till he's done.
Don't discharge him too early, please.
OK, I think we often discharge people a bit prematurely.
People just get sicker and then they end up coming back here anyway.
So, the inevitable result is that patients are sicker for longer and it's harder for us to get them well.
Make sense? - That's smart.
- I try.
OK.
So Is this a joke? Don't tell me you work here.
- [Johanne.]
Yes, as a matter of fact.
- Of course.
Yeah.
Well, hello again.
Yes, yeah.
Always a pleasure.
That night escalated quickly.
Yeah.
At least you could never say I'm not passionate.
That is definitely true.
But what happened this time? - Paintball.
- [Johanne.]
OK.
You got hit by a paintball in your face? We wear a mask, you know? So, no, I wasn't hit in the face.
- No, OK.
It It looks - Could you please turn the light off? It's literally killing me right now.
Yep.
- [Paul.]
I have something else to say.
- Yes? My finger Remember when that guy broke it? Of course.
How could I forget? They put ice on it and my life changed in that moment.
I met someone.
Her name is Inga.
She is my girlfriend now.
[stutters.]
Stop.
Wait, no Inga, as in my friend Inga? My lady Inga.
Huh? So, us two The two of you like, together now.
OK.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- [Paul.]
It was magical.
Yeah, I'll bet.
I am single and pathetic no more! Sorry, no offense.
None taken.
Seriously like are you sure it's OK with you? I know you and he had a had a thing once.
Oh, God! I'm so happy for you.
It's cool, really.
It's I'm glad! Once he's discharged, he wants to take me to an escape room, or whatever they're called.
- Cool.
I bet that will be fun.
- Right? I'm really looking forward to it.
- [Johanne laughs.]
- Enough about me.
Anyone in your life? I don't know.
I guess, sort of.
But Tell me.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm robbing the cradle.
So what if you're a bit of a cougar? That's him right there.
- Girl, wow! What a smoking hottie.
- Uh-huh.
Look right there.
His birthday is today.
What? Do something for him.
Send him a card, a present, or something nice.
Yeah, I can bake him a birthday cake.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach! - It's true! - [Inga.]
Imagine We're both now all boyfriended up.
- Perfect! - Perfect.
Alright A cougar cake for Nah.
A love cake.
A little love cake.
- I am baking a cake.
- Cake? What cake? What's the occasion? Today is Jonas' birthday, so I thought I'd whip him up a little love cake.
OK, so you're invited to the birthday party of your little Fuck Boy.
Hey, no more "Fuck Boy.
" He's actually a real human being with a real name he'd want us to use.
So, you're invited to the birthday party of young Jonas? Well, on Facebook, there was an invitation.
Kind of.
- Romance is still alive and well.
- Yeah.
I just figured he baked for me, so he'll appreciate me returning the favor.
That's ballsy.
How ballsy? Like, too ballsy? Hey, it's like they always say: nothing ventured, no boyfriend for Christmas gained.
So, do you have a recipe in mind? Wait, never mind.
I've got it in my mind's eye.
If you can get water and eggs, a lemon, too - Let's go.
- Lemon? Have faith, little one.
There we go.
So, for baking an "I have feelings for you" cake, then the cake we make has got to be heart-shaped.
Wait, a heart shape? Isn't that a little much? Put your heart on the table.
He made you come, like, five times.
I think, at minimum, the guy has earned at least a heart.
Yeah.
You're so right.
We need, like, a baker's drink.
- Yes, love it! - I am on it.
- [Jørgunn.]
Yeah? - [Johanne squeals.]
What ever happened to that guy Stein? Sporty Stein, the lost Spice Girl? Wasn't he putting the moves on you at the Christmas party? Well, I actually ran into him today at the biathlon thing.
Nice! And then? Stein is nice but kind of pathetic, like roadkill or a wounded puppy.
A wounded puppy? - What do you have against dogs? - I just don't want to date one.
You know that nice and safe can be a good thing, don't you? If you find a guy with 35 out of the 100 things you want, maybe that could be good enough.
A perfect match isn't easy to find.
If I'm being honest, I don't think it even exists.
I get it.
But he just reminds me too much of Who? My father.
I really miss mine.
I'm so sorry.
Do you want to talk about it? Nah.
- OK, you.
Let's toast.
- Yeah.
What is it for? This toast will be for putting my heart onto a cake.
- To hearts! - Cheers.
One, two, three, one, two, three! [dance music playing.]
[chattering.]
[dance music continues.]
[Jonas.]
Johanne! Johanne.
[Johanne sighs.]
Is that for me? Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Look, me and Eline It doesn't mean anything.
- You shouldn't say that.
- Say what? That you aren't an item.
It's going to hurt her feelings.
[Jonas sighs.]
We feel each other up, we dance a little We're just messing around.
It's not a big deal.
OK.
So, time to be brutally honest, as you young ones say.
Yep.
Out with it.
You're so much younger than me, but I don't care.
I like you.
What is it? I don't think it would be so smart.
I I'm leaving for Bali to get my bachelor's, after Christmas.
OK.
It's just not good timing to to begin something right now.
But what about, like, later? I'm saying that you're You know, you're - Call me old.
- I'm trying to say you're too good for me.
Why do you say that? Johanne, you've got a job.
You're so You're in control of your life.
We're in different places.
I could be in a place like Bali.
[sentimental music plays.]
I know, but being brutally honest maybe I've been more than a little stressed when I think about the fact that you're over 30, and might want to have children soon.
I don't want you as my baby daddy! I'm sorry.
I like you, but it just wouldn't work.
Why do you have to be so great? [Johanne sniffs.]
[sobs.]
Why did you have to be so great? [Johanne cries.]
["Promise" by Fay Wildhagen playing.]
In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow And I can hear your voice in the dark In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow [music drowns out dialogue.]
THE SALVATION ARMY THANK YOU FOR GIVING Promise me a tomorrow Promise me a tomorrow Promise me a tomorrow But I can see a fire in the sky In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow And I can hear your voice In the dark [chattering.]
[Johanne sniffs.]
A beer and a Fernet.
Thanks.
- Starting strong.
- [Johanne sniffs.]
[Christmas song playing over speakers.]
[Johanne sniffs.]
[Johanne cries.]
What's going on? He dumped my ass.
Twelve years younger than me and he dumped me.
I baked him a fucking love cake.
God! Why am I crying over a 19-year-old? I'm so pathetic.
I can't believe I was so dumb.
Have one.
Fuck him.
He sounds like a douchebag.
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck him.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
No.
- Hey, hey.
- [Johanne cries.]
Hey, look at me.
He's not worth it.
You're better than that.
You deserve way better.
You're just saying that.
No, you're the full package: gorgeous, you even bake, and, honestly you can drink us all under the table.
[both laugh.]
So, what happened? Nothing, really.
That's the problem.
Nothing happened.
I've tried to be open and disgustingly positive.
I said yes to all the guys who came my way.
I took a retiree to a naked spa and fucked a 19-year-old, because, why not? And nothing came out of it.
Nothing has happened with anybody.
But what is it that you want? I've no idea.
I've no idea.
I think I, kind of, want a boyfriend, but I'm not sure of what I want, and I may have to settle No, Johanne.
You don't have to do anything.
You men might not have to do anything.
You can basically, sort of, sleep around and be the cool bartender, and no one cares.
OK, I'm going to let that one go.
You know what I mean.
You don't have to listen to all the nagging, like, "You still have no kids and aren't married? Don't forget the clock in your lady bits is ticking along, counting down the seconds until doomsday.
" Mom keeps going on about how great my ex was.
He was.
He was my hero.
- [laughs.]
I'm just messing with you! - What the fuck? [Thomas.]
Sorry.
That was probably too soon, I'm sorry.
[Johanne sobs.]
[Thomas.]
Cheers.
Oh, God.
[door chimes.]
My poor baby! Hey, you.
I'm glad you texted.
He dumped you? Brutally and humiliatingly.
Sorry, girl.
But I told you you shouldn't have trusted that guy.
He's basically a child bride.
I mean, he is! Thomas, Jeanette needs a drink.
[Thomas.]
Right.
He's just a dumb kid.
He's so not worth it.
You didn't know him.
He know he must be a dumbass because he dumped one of the coolest women I know.
Isn't that the truth! [Jeanette.]
You know what? My dear, lovely, weird, funny, crazy, most unpredictable, naive and romantic friend in the entirety of planet Earth? - Yeah? - Well My family is with the in-laws, so let's get hammered, OK? - OK.
- OK.
- Let's do it! - [Johanne.]
Cheers! ["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing.]
[Jeanette.]
Yeah! [Johanne.]
Oh, fuck! OK, we need to get this one in the taxi.
No, wait, wait! Hello, I've got the kick sled.
[Jeanette laughs.]
- [Jeanette.]
Let's find you a seat.
- [Johanne.]
OK.
- [Jeanette.]
Oh! - [Thomas.]
There we go.
That's mine.
Whee! [laughter.]
Oh, no.
Lookout! [Thomas.]
Move forward.
OK Dad! [Jeanette and Thomas laughing.]
Stop! [Tor laughing.]
- [Tor clears throat.]
- Dad, what? [Tor sighs.]
Come on.
[Johanne.]
Turn around.
- I said, turn around! - OK Johanne? [Johanne.]
Come on.
Let's go.
["It's Christmas After All" by SKAAR playing.]
but December will warm you Or so I was told Well, it's still cold Unless you have someone to hold Hurts to admit it But no one will visit DECEMBER 20TH Not even Santa will spare me a minute O holy night I'm alone tonight Go away.
I've got friends Oh, fuck no.
No, no.
Oh, God.
[sighs.]
And one, two, three No.
One, two, three OK.
And Saint Johanne then rose from the dead on the third day.
She's now heading towards the kitchen.
[Johanne groans.]
She is about to take her place at Jørgunn, the almighty roommate's, right-hand side, where she'll drink some holy water and recover.
[laughs sarcastically.]
[Jørgunn.]
Then she'll rise again and go to her disciples.
[Johanne.]
You're hilarious.
What time is it? It's almost ten.
Your phone went off, like, 1,000 times.
Your father.
Something might have happened.
Yeah, you could say that.
Was it that bad? No, I don't want to talk about it.
[Jørgunn.]
No, OK.
What have you been doing? Well, I thought the candlestick looked boring on its own, so I made a decorative little candelabra thing.
Isn't it great? More like, I don't know a fire hazard.
Seriously, those made the "top ten causes of house fires" list.
Was "Operation Fuck Boy Love Cake" a success? Oh, no.
I really can't talk about it.
- You serious? - [Johanne.]
Mm.
[Jørgunn.]
Oh.
OK.
Do you have guests? No, but based on the evidence, it would seem you probably do.
[Johanne.]
Huh? [Johanne groans.]
[somber music playing.]
[music continues.]
I think she's here.
DECEMBER 18TH - Hi.
I've been texting you all day.
- [Johanne.]
Sorry! - [boy.]
Yay! - There are my crazy little guys! [boy.]
Do you have any chocolate? - You can't have chocolate right now.
- [boy.]
But, Momma! You think you'll still make your choir thing? I'm not really worried about that.
We've been to five of those already, so I don't care.
I'm more worried about being late for our reservation at Maaemo, or did you forgot about that? Oh, God Oh, sorry! It's fine.
We only have three boys and never get time to ourselves - [Johanne's brother-in-law.]
Hi! - Oh, hi! - Hello.
- [Johanne.]
There's the little pooper.
I've changed his diaper, but he went down for his nap a bit late.
- Did you nap a little? - Don't worry about it.
- I'm sure we'll make it.
- Great.
Now you're pretending to be chill.
You were as pissed as I was five minutes ago.
- OK, have fun.
- Enjoy yourselves! Bye-bye! - Have a good time! - Later.
I'm frozen! And it's cold! Keep moving around.
Do the hokey pokey.
- What's that? - [Johanne.]
The hokey pokey? You put your right arm in You put your right arm out You put your right arm in OK, never mind.
Tord, take this.
Watch a cartoon or something.
What? [Johanne.]
You know my passcode, right? How do you work this contraption? [Johanne grunting.]
Come on! - [Johanne grunts.]
- Auntie, you got a snap! - Who is Fuck Boy? - And we're done playing now.
- Phone Phone! - [Tord grunts.]
Oh, God.
.
Is he your boyfriend? No, we We're just friends.
Just friends? [Johanne.]
I don't know.
Don't ask.
Why are you just friends? Sometimes grownups meet and like one other a whole bunch, but not enough to be together.
So, we're not like your mommy and daddy, but technically blood flows down there to the genitals and stuff.
They get bigger and make good pals with each other.
- What are genitals and stuff? - I don't want blood down there.
Your willy.
Do the willies play hopscotch together? - I take it Mommy hasn't talked about this? - No.
OK.
How about we forget what I said and leave that for your parents to sort out? Is Willy coming with you for Christmas? [cheering and whooping.]
[crowd cheering over TV.]
- No! - [Tor groans.]
That was the last target! [Tor laughs.]
I can't believe she missed that.
[groans loudly in frustration.]
She won't qualify now.
- Are you OK? - Yep.
- Are you cold? Hungry? - I'm good.
Mom baked for us.
[Johanne.]
Wow.
Excited for Christmas? Not really.
I'm not surprised.
Because finding a boyfriend is not easy.
You broke up? No, there never actually was a guy.
What do you mean? I basically made him up.
Why would you do that? [Tor laughs.]
Huh? Mom and Maria were nagging me incessantly about getting a boyfriend, so I kind of - So, you improvised? - Basically.
Mom just wants you to be happy.
- We all do.
- Yeah, no, I understand.
But the world seems to have transformed into a place for only families and couples, as if being alone is the worst thing ever! Yeah, I get that.
But overall, you're alright? Oh, yeah absolutely.
It's nice to have companionship, though.
- It sure is.
- Like your marriage.
- Don't repeat that to Momma! - I wouldn't dare.
But I think you should you know, talk to her, before she finds out.
Yeah.
Well, that's just my opinion.
- Hi! - You do what you want.
- Hi! - [Stein.]
Fancy seeing you here! Yeah.
This is my dad Tor.
- [Stein.]
Hi, Papa Tor.
- A pleasure! - I'm Stein.
- Stein.
Very nice.
- Can I sit here? - Go ahead.
- Nice to see you again.
- I feel like I need to apologize.
Do you mean for the ski trip or the little fistfight? Both, really.
A fistfight, huh? I think "fight" might be too strong a word for it.
More like two boys shoving.
- Shoving is alright.
- Shoving is alright! [Tor laughs.]
Full disclosure: I was pretty hammered that evening.
So, I wasn't my best my best self, either, to be honest.
You were popular that night.
God! Yep.
- Want some? - Thanks.
Are you a biathlon fan? Yeah, I love it.
I was a biathlete.
- Oh, yeah? - I was on the junior national team.
- Oh.
- [Stein.]
Not to brag I never even made it to the top.
It's still cool.
Yeah.
- I used to do the ski jump.
- Oh, yeah? [Tor.]
Yep.
But I hurt my back in the Junior World Championships.
And that's all she wrote, as they say.
That's an extreme sporting merit.
[cell phone pings.]
- Want me to top you off? - [Stein.]
Please do.
That's good.
Come on! Some for you? - Work is calling me.
- No.
Really? - Yeah.
- [Stein.]
Do you want a ride? You're drinking Dad and Reinertsen's moonshine, so probably not! I've only had a little sip.
[growls.]
Dad, I feel bad.
I'm sorry.
Bente says it's a crisis, so I - It really is a crisis.
- What else is new? [Johanne sighs.]
Yeah [Tor.]
Well, have a good shift.
See you.
[Tor.]
Come on! [Tor shouts.]
Yeah! - [Stein.]
Well - [Johanne.]
OK, later.
- [Stein.]
It was nice seeing you.
- Yeah, same to you.
I've got to - [shouts.]
Yeah! - Have a good day! - Is it OK if I sit here? - [Tor.]
Yeah, be my guest.
- Cheers.
- [Tor.]
Cheers.
[Sebastian pants.]
[Johanne.]
Wow.
What's going on? You've been nagging me, saying I should shape up.
Yeah.
I'm having a visitor later.
The girl I told you about.
I thought I might kind of get a little swole, you know? Yeah.
So, what changed? Well, sometimes it's maybe not so lame to ask for help.
So, you're really going to Yep.
I want to do the Trasopp Clinic for four weeks.
I figure it's a start.
Then we'll see how it goes.
[Sebastian.]
Thank you.
Hey, Johanne.
I was wondering if you could possibly give me a quick update on the endocarditis? - Oh, Sebastian? - Yes.
I'm considering sending him home with a prescription and have him come in for IV treatment maybe every other day.
I'm figuring out how to free up some beds, make some space OK, we shouldn't discharge him considering his history.
I doubt he'll bother showing up here every other day, so I think you should keep him here till he's done.
Don't discharge him too early, please.
OK, I think we often discharge people a bit prematurely.
People just get sicker and then they end up coming back here anyway.
So, the inevitable result is that patients are sicker for longer and it's harder for us to get them well.
Make sense? - That's smart.
- I try.
OK.
So Is this a joke? Don't tell me you work here.
- [Johanne.]
Yes, as a matter of fact.
- Of course.
Yeah.
Well, hello again.
Yes, yeah.
Always a pleasure.
That night escalated quickly.
Yeah.
At least you could never say I'm not passionate.
That is definitely true.
But what happened this time? - Paintball.
- [Johanne.]
OK.
You got hit by a paintball in your face? We wear a mask, you know? So, no, I wasn't hit in the face.
- No, OK.
It It looks - Could you please turn the light off? It's literally killing me right now.
Yep.
- [Paul.]
I have something else to say.
- Yes? My finger Remember when that guy broke it? Of course.
How could I forget? They put ice on it and my life changed in that moment.
I met someone.
Her name is Inga.
She is my girlfriend now.
[stutters.]
Stop.
Wait, no Inga, as in my friend Inga? My lady Inga.
Huh? So, us two The two of you like, together now.
OK.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- [Paul.]
It was magical.
Yeah, I'll bet.
I am single and pathetic no more! Sorry, no offense.
None taken.
Seriously like are you sure it's OK with you? I know you and he had a had a thing once.
Oh, God! I'm so happy for you.
It's cool, really.
It's I'm glad! Once he's discharged, he wants to take me to an escape room, or whatever they're called.
- Cool.
I bet that will be fun.
- Right? I'm really looking forward to it.
- [Johanne laughs.]
- Enough about me.
Anyone in your life? I don't know.
I guess, sort of.
But Tell me.
I don't know.
I feel like I'm robbing the cradle.
So what if you're a bit of a cougar? That's him right there.
- Girl, wow! What a smoking hottie.
- Uh-huh.
Look right there.
His birthday is today.
What? Do something for him.
Send him a card, a present, or something nice.
Yeah, I can bake him a birthday cake.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach! - It's true! - [Inga.]
Imagine We're both now all boyfriended up.
- Perfect! - Perfect.
Alright A cougar cake for Nah.
A love cake.
A little love cake.
- I am baking a cake.
- Cake? What cake? What's the occasion? Today is Jonas' birthday, so I thought I'd whip him up a little love cake.
OK, so you're invited to the birthday party of your little Fuck Boy.
Hey, no more "Fuck Boy.
" He's actually a real human being with a real name he'd want us to use.
So, you're invited to the birthday party of young Jonas? Well, on Facebook, there was an invitation.
Kind of.
- Romance is still alive and well.
- Yeah.
I just figured he baked for me, so he'll appreciate me returning the favor.
That's ballsy.
How ballsy? Like, too ballsy? Hey, it's like they always say: nothing ventured, no boyfriend for Christmas gained.
So, do you have a recipe in mind? Wait, never mind.
I've got it in my mind's eye.
If you can get water and eggs, a lemon, too - Let's go.
- Lemon? Have faith, little one.
There we go.
So, for baking an "I have feelings for you" cake, then the cake we make has got to be heart-shaped.
Wait, a heart shape? Isn't that a little much? Put your heart on the table.
He made you come, like, five times.
I think, at minimum, the guy has earned at least a heart.
Yeah.
You're so right.
We need, like, a baker's drink.
- Yes, love it! - I am on it.
- [Jørgunn.]
Yeah? - [Johanne squeals.]
What ever happened to that guy Stein? Sporty Stein, the lost Spice Girl? Wasn't he putting the moves on you at the Christmas party? Well, I actually ran into him today at the biathlon thing.
Nice! And then? Stein is nice but kind of pathetic, like roadkill or a wounded puppy.
A wounded puppy? - What do you have against dogs? - I just don't want to date one.
You know that nice and safe can be a good thing, don't you? If you find a guy with 35 out of the 100 things you want, maybe that could be good enough.
A perfect match isn't easy to find.
If I'm being honest, I don't think it even exists.
I get it.
But he just reminds me too much of Who? My father.
I really miss mine.
I'm so sorry.
Do you want to talk about it? Nah.
- OK, you.
Let's toast.
- Yeah.
What is it for? This toast will be for putting my heart onto a cake.
- To hearts! - Cheers.
One, two, three, one, two, three! [dance music playing.]
[chattering.]
[dance music continues.]
[Jonas.]
Johanne! Johanne.
[Johanne sighs.]
Is that for me? Happy birthday.
Thanks.
Look, me and Eline It doesn't mean anything.
- You shouldn't say that.
- Say what? That you aren't an item.
It's going to hurt her feelings.
[Jonas sighs.]
We feel each other up, we dance a little We're just messing around.
It's not a big deal.
OK.
So, time to be brutally honest, as you young ones say.
Yep.
Out with it.
You're so much younger than me, but I don't care.
I like you.
What is it? I don't think it would be so smart.
I I'm leaving for Bali to get my bachelor's, after Christmas.
OK.
It's just not good timing to to begin something right now.
But what about, like, later? I'm saying that you're You know, you're - Call me old.
- I'm trying to say you're too good for me.
Why do you say that? Johanne, you've got a job.
You're so You're in control of your life.
We're in different places.
I could be in a place like Bali.
[sentimental music plays.]
I know, but being brutally honest maybe I've been more than a little stressed when I think about the fact that you're over 30, and might want to have children soon.
I don't want you as my baby daddy! I'm sorry.
I like you, but it just wouldn't work.
Why do you have to be so great? [Johanne sniffs.]
[sobs.]
Why did you have to be so great? [Johanne cries.]
["Promise" by Fay Wildhagen playing.]
In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow And I can hear your voice in the dark In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow [music drowns out dialogue.]
THE SALVATION ARMY THANK YOU FOR GIVING Promise me a tomorrow Promise me a tomorrow Promise me a tomorrow But I can see a fire in the sky In this holy night Promise me a tomorrow And I can hear your voice In the dark [chattering.]
[Johanne sniffs.]
A beer and a Fernet.
Thanks.
- Starting strong.
- [Johanne sniffs.]
[Christmas song playing over speakers.]
[Johanne sniffs.]
[Johanne cries.]
What's going on? He dumped my ass.
Twelve years younger than me and he dumped me.
I baked him a fucking love cake.
God! Why am I crying over a 19-year-old? I'm so pathetic.
I can't believe I was so dumb.
Have one.
Fuck him.
He sounds like a douchebag.
Yeah.
Yeah, fuck him.
[groans.]
Oh, God.
No.
- Hey, hey.
- [Johanne cries.]
Hey, look at me.
He's not worth it.
You're better than that.
You deserve way better.
You're just saying that.
No, you're the full package: gorgeous, you even bake, and, honestly you can drink us all under the table.
[both laugh.]
So, what happened? Nothing, really.
That's the problem.
Nothing happened.
I've tried to be open and disgustingly positive.
I said yes to all the guys who came my way.
I took a retiree to a naked spa and fucked a 19-year-old, because, why not? And nothing came out of it.
Nothing has happened with anybody.
But what is it that you want? I've no idea.
I've no idea.
I think I, kind of, want a boyfriend, but I'm not sure of what I want, and I may have to settle No, Johanne.
You don't have to do anything.
You men might not have to do anything.
You can basically, sort of, sleep around and be the cool bartender, and no one cares.
OK, I'm going to let that one go.
You know what I mean.
You don't have to listen to all the nagging, like, "You still have no kids and aren't married? Don't forget the clock in your lady bits is ticking along, counting down the seconds until doomsday.
" Mom keeps going on about how great my ex was.
He was.
He was my hero.
- [laughs.]
I'm just messing with you! - What the fuck? [Thomas.]
Sorry.
That was probably too soon, I'm sorry.
[Johanne sobs.]
[Thomas.]
Cheers.
Oh, God.
[door chimes.]
My poor baby! Hey, you.
I'm glad you texted.
He dumped you? Brutally and humiliatingly.
Sorry, girl.
But I told you you shouldn't have trusted that guy.
He's basically a child bride.
I mean, he is! Thomas, Jeanette needs a drink.
[Thomas.]
Right.
He's just a dumb kid.
He's so not worth it.
You didn't know him.
He know he must be a dumbass because he dumped one of the coolest women I know.
Isn't that the truth! [Jeanette.]
You know what? My dear, lovely, weird, funny, crazy, most unpredictable, naive and romantic friend in the entirety of planet Earth? - Yeah? - Well My family is with the in-laws, so let's get hammered, OK? - OK.
- OK.
- Let's do it! - [Johanne.]
Cheers! ["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing.]
[Jeanette.]
Yeah! [Johanne.]
Oh, fuck! OK, we need to get this one in the taxi.
No, wait, wait! Hello, I've got the kick sled.
[Jeanette laughs.]
- [Jeanette.]
Let's find you a seat.
- [Johanne.]
OK.
- [Jeanette.]
Oh! - [Thomas.]
There we go.
That's mine.
Whee! [laughter.]
Oh, no.
Lookout! [Thomas.]
Move forward.
OK Dad! [Jeanette and Thomas laughing.]
Stop! [Tor laughing.]
- [Tor clears throat.]
- Dad, what? [Tor sighs.]
Come on.
[Johanne.]
Turn around.
- I said, turn around! - OK Johanne? [Johanne.]
Come on.
Let's go.
["It's Christmas After All" by SKAAR playing.]
but December will warm you Or so I was told Well, it's still cold Unless you have someone to hold Hurts to admit it But no one will visit DECEMBER 20TH Not even Santa will spare me a minute O holy night I'm alone tonight Go away.
I've got friends Oh, fuck no.
No, no.
Oh, God.
[sighs.]
And one, two, three No.
One, two, three OK.
And Saint Johanne then rose from the dead on the third day.
She's now heading towards the kitchen.
[Johanne groans.]
She is about to take her place at Jørgunn, the almighty roommate's, right-hand side, where she'll drink some holy water and recover.
[laughs sarcastically.]
[Jørgunn.]
Then she'll rise again and go to her disciples.
[Johanne.]
You're hilarious.
What time is it? It's almost ten.
Your phone went off, like, 1,000 times.
Your father.
Something might have happened.
Yeah, you could say that.
Was it that bad? No, I don't want to talk about it.
[Jørgunn.]
No, OK.
What have you been doing? Well, I thought the candlestick looked boring on its own, so I made a decorative little candelabra thing.
Isn't it great? More like, I don't know a fire hazard.
Seriously, those made the "top ten causes of house fires" list.
Was "Operation Fuck Boy Love Cake" a success? Oh, no.
I really can't talk about it.
- You serious? - [Johanne.]
Mm.
[Jørgunn.]
Oh.
OK.
Do you have guests? No, but based on the evidence, it would seem you probably do.
[Johanne.]
Huh? [Johanne groans.]
[somber music playing.]
[music continues.]