Horace and Pete (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 - Well, shit.
Can I get a drink? - Yeah.
- I got it.
- Thanks, Pete.
- Sylvi, anything? - Yeah, I'll have a beer.
- Mom, you shouldn't.
- Shut up, Brenda! - So how many more, uh, treatments do you need to get? - I don't know.
- She goes every week for the-- - Brenda, I said I didn't know.
I didn't say I want to know.
- Sorry! (crying) (Marsha chuckles) - Why are you laughing? - She's crying at a wake, but not because of who died.
She's crying because of what a cunt her mother is! - Jesus Christ.
I thought Uncle Pete was the mean one.
- Hey, don't speak ill of the dead.
- I'm speaking ill of the still left alive.
- All right, come on, can we all just have a drink now in honor of my dad? - Your dad, that's a laugh.
- All the same, he was here every day in our lives.
And now he's gone.
And we survive him, so can we just have a drink for him, huh? Can we do that? To Uncle Pete.
May he, uh live on in you know - Yeah, Uncle Pete was, uh, he was really something.
And he always said what he felt.
- Oh, please, those are exactly the kinds of things I'd have said at every asshole's wake.
- Okay, well, this is that particular asshole's wake, so I'm saying it.
- Uncle Pete.
I don't understand.
Horace: What? - Why-- why did he do it? Why did he kill himself? - I don't know, I I mean, maybe he was lonely.
(Marsha chuckles) - What is so fucking funny to you now? - Lonely people, "Ooh, I'm so lonely.
" - You were never lonely? - Never.
- Yeah, 'cause you're drunk all the time.
- That's right.
- So if you didn't drink, you'd-- you'd be lonely? - I don't know.
I've never stopped long enough to find out.
- What, you mean There must've been some time in your life where you just, you know-- You didn't drink when you were a baby, right? So How old were you when you started drinking? - 13.
I mean, I developed early, you know, tits and everything, so I used to go out with the high school boys.
- High school boys at 13? - Hey, I knew girls back in high school that were 16 or 17 when they got married.
I mean, that's what girls did.
You were a child, you were a teenager, then you looked for somebody who wanted you, and you married them, that's it.
- So you drank with high school boys when you were 13 years old.
- Sure.
Yeah.
We used to jump in cars and drive out to Rockaway Beach, build a great big fire and drink gin or whatever anybody had.
I was, uh I was 13.
I mean, the other girls were older, but I looked just as good as they did.
Better than most.
(chuckles) Yeah.
And I liked boys a lot.
So, you know, we'd laugh and we'd drink and we'd lie in the sand and kiss.
It was fun.
It was really, really It was really fun.
Some of those girls, they, um, married some of those guys when they turned 18 and got a job.
But me? (scoffs) I got knocked up.
(sighs) And in those days, you didn't have a choice.
I mean, you just had the baby.
I was young and stupid.
I went through my eighth grade pregnant.
Then I had the baby and I gave it away.
So pretty soon after that, I-- I-- I don't know, I quit school.
I started working.
But I'd learned how to drink, so I just kept doing that.
And, uh I don't know, then I started drinking here.
And your father liked me, so I moved in with him - And then he died.
And since then, Pete has been supporting you out of the cash register, and you drank here free.
- Yeah, that's right.
- And-- and then Pete died.
- Mm-hmm, yes, he did.
- So there is less and less reason for anybody here to give a shit what happens to you.
- Jesus Christ, Sylvia.
- Right? Well, if she's just another one of Dad's bad choices, is she supposed to be his fucking legacy? Really, Horace, wha-- wha-- When can we let go of all this shit? - You want me to kick-- kick her out? You want me to cut her off? What do you want me to do? - I don't know, Horace.
I'm tired! I can't fight for you anymore.
- How are you fighting for me? - Yeah, you should kick me out, Horace, go ahead.
You don't owe me anything.
You can turn this place into a Starbucks, and you can all move to fuckin' Connecticut.
- I can't close this place.
- Why not?! - Because then his retarded brother would end up on the streets.
- I'm not retarded.
- Jesus Christ, nobody is retarded.
God, I fucking hate Brooklyn so much.
- Hey, I don't need this place to live.
- Well, she is right.
Pete, this is the only place you've ever lived outside the hospital.
- I'm capable of a lot more than any of you think.
- Yeah, like what? Someday you'll walk into a mall and shoot everyone? - Never mind me.
I'm saying this isn't about me.
I'm saying I'm not the reason to keep this place open and neither is Marsha.
If you want to kick her out, kick her out.
She's had her run here.
She was your dad's pleasure chest, and then my dad honored him by keeping her here.
But, yeah, I mean, we don't have to do anything.
Yeah, we don't owe you anything, Marsha.
Nobody does.
And you don't owe me anything, Horace or Sylvi.
I'm not your brother, I never was.
I'm your cousin.
You want to shut this place down, go ahead.
- I'm not shutting it down.
- Why not? - Because that just feels harder than keeping it open right now.
- Look, I met this guy last week who said, "You could walk out of this building right now and sell this place for upwards of $6 million.
" We could split that $3 million each.
- What about Pete? - What about Pete? You just said, right? - Yeah.
I'm just your cousin.
She's right, you should do it.
- What for? I mean, give me a reason to do that, why would I-- - $3 million.
- Then what? I mean, that's-- You get that kind of money when you're young and you use something to build it with, right? I'm gonna tear this down and then get the money and live, what-- I'm 50 years old.
- Give it to your kid.
- I won't take a penny of that.
But you should do it if you want to.
- My mom needs that money.
She has cancer.
- Brenda, get out.
I mean it, get out right now and go home.
- Mom.
- Get out.
Oh, stand up and walk out that door.
I do not want you in here.
- Mom! I have been here for-- - Get out! (Brenda crying) - Okay, well, um, you guys have a great day.
Bye.
And when one of you dies, I'll see the rest of you.
So - Honey - Bye.
- Hey, let me have one more, Pete, huh? The last one.
Well, so long.
(light knocking on door) - Yeah, yeah.
Hey, are you guys open? - Yeah.
- Yeah, they're open.
Uh-huh.
No, they're all here.
Please come save me.
- Horace, I don't know if I can go anywhere.
- Why don't you come upstairs and take a lie-down, okay? Come on, I'll get you a cab or something, but just-- You need to rest, okay? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Can I get a Corona and two vodka martinis? - No mixed drinks, no Corona.
Budweiser, Scotch, bourbon, straight vodka, straight gin.
- Serious? How the fuck do you expect to stay open? - Hey, this bar's been here for a hundred years.
- Serious? - Yeah.
- Why is it called Horace and Pete's? - 'Cause it's our place.
That's Horace and I'm Pete.
- So you guys are like a hundred years old, too? - No, you see, this place was opened in 1916 by two brothers named Horace and Pete, and each of them had a son.
Horace had a son Horace, Pete had a son Pete-- - Look, man, I would just really love a fucking beer right now.
Do I have to listen to this? You want to tell me the origin story of this stool here? Yawn, I mean, please don't.
I'm sorry, my family's in town, it's stressing me out.
- It's all right.
(sighs) - God, Horace, I fucking hate this.
- It's bad, huh? - God, you have no idea.
I sure didn't.
You know, I've seen people go through this, and it looks awful.
When you see them with the kerchief on their head, you're like, oh, God, that looks bad.
But you really can't know, you can't climb inside somebody and know what it feels like to have your blood replaced by battery acid.
- Fuck.
Sorry.
- Horace, can I stay here tonight? - Yeah, stay in your room.
- Thanks.
Oh, God, no please.
That's not what I want.
I'll just sleep here on the couch, is that okay? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- You kinda pushed Brenda away there.
I mean, she was-- she was taking care of you, and you literally told her, "Go fuck off.
" - And I don't regret it.
Believe it or not, much as I need her, I would rather die.
- That's a little fucked up, Sylvia.
She's taking care of you.
- You don't know that one, Horace.
She's got this way of leveraging my needs against me.
Just honestly, I'd rather fend for myself.
- All right, well, it's your choice.
- So, look, I'll just stay here tonight, and, uh, in the morning, I'll get an Uber to Sloan.
And I'll just-- I'll go home.
I'll be out of your hair and, uh, out of mind soon thereafter, I'm sure.
Fuck.
- How are you, um? I mean, are you still working? Did you go back to work? - No, Horace, I got laid off in April.
- You did? - Yeah.
Yeah, I saved enough money for maybe six months.
This cancer's just ripping through it.
- What about insurance? - Insurance, uh, covers medical costs, but I didn't know is you just start throwing money up all over the place.
You know, life gets fucking expensive when you start dying.
You know, it's a fucking nightmare.
- You're not dying.
You're not dying.
- What-- what happened to Rachel anyway? (Horace chuckles) - I kicked her out.
- You did? Jesus Christ, why? She was-- I mean, she was okay.
I didn't love her, but she was crazy about you.
- Yeah, well (clicks tongue) You know, the only thing worse than living with somebody who doesn't love you - Your first marriage? - Yeah.
is living with somebody who really loves you a lot.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, oh, man.
Well, what are you gonna do? - I mean, I'm all right.
She's the one who got kicked out.
She's living with her brother.
So her whole family hates me now.
- Yeah, you got to get jaded to people hating you, Horace.
Anybody who gets to their 40s without at least 10 people hating them is just an asshole.
- How do you figure that? - Well, if people hate you, you're probably taking care of yourself, right? If nobody hates you, you're probably just some asshole who's a burden on everybody around you, right? - Yeah.
(chuckles) I'm gonna go to bed.
- All right.
(Horace sighs) - You need anything? - Yeah, a bucket.
- Bucket.
- Yeah.
- Bucket.
- Or whatever.
- Are you gonna puke right now? - At some point, uh - Here you go.
- That's pretty, thank you.
- Hey, it's nice, uh, nice to have you here.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night.
(man humming) (man vocalizing) - Horace and Pete - You know, I can't in my head climb into another person's life.
You know, like-- like I was dating this guy, and he used to take me to the symphony, the, uh, New York Philharmonic, and I hated it so much.
I mean, the music just droning on and on and And everyone's sitting there like in their seats like dressed up, looking down like You know, like they're fucking appreciating it.
And it's like-- it made me so mad 'cause I'm like, you're all fucking faking it.
I don't believe you like this for a second.
This is a con job.
And you look down on the stage and there's this orchestra.
And it's like 50 guys in their little tuxedos, and they're playing their hearts out.
And I see this trombone player.
But he's not like the trombone player.
He's like second in a line of 10 trombone players.
You know how hard that guy had to work? Like since he was fuckin' five.
You know, so if by the time you're five, you haven't decided you want to be the second trombone player of the New York Philharmonic, you're too late.
Like if that's your goal at eight, you're a loser.
You know, so like who's that guy? Who's the guy the age of five knows he wants to spend his whole life playing the trombone for the Philharmonic? - David Finlayson.
- What? - David Finlayson, he's the second trombone for the New York Philharmonic.
- How the fuck do you know that? - It's-- it's public information.
- So I wasn't talking to you anyway.
- Maybe you shouldn't ask questions unless you want to hear the answers.
- Wow, you know what I wish? I wish it could be Trump and Bernie Sanders as co-presidents.
- Jesus, why? - Because they're the only ones that tell the truth about anything, you know? Bernie's the only Democrat that's willing to admit he's gonna hold a gun to rich people's heads and make 'em pay for everything.
And Trump's the only Republican who's willing to admit that he doesn't give a shit or know anything about anything and it's all a crooked game that just he knows how to play.
So then you'd have this amazing system where like Bernie takes all the rich people's money and Trump just keeps giving it back to 'em in bribes that keep the economy running.
- What kind of a way is that to run a country? - Well, it's not, it's gonna be a fuckin' disaster.
But it'll reveal the true nature of our system and they'll just tear it all down, just leave a fuckin' mess, so rich people still have everything, but a dollar won't be worth a dime, so who cares if you're rich? - All right, so you're saying just tear down what's there and-- and rebuild.
Like build a better system.
We can go back to the barter system.
You know, trade goods and services amongst each other.
Form local militias.
Just build it back up, start from scratch.
But get it right.
- No, I'm saying fuck all this.
Just like let it burn.
We deserve it.
Fuck this country.
- Hey, watch it.
- Why?! - I don't know, you're supposed to say that when someone says the thing you said.
- Hello, excuse me, can I get another fuckin' beer, please? Maybe make it taste more like piss this time.
And super warm, really super-- Oh, whoa! Oh, are we pushing? Does your little elbow need more room? Oh, now you're standing.
Oh, I am not scared of you, man, just because you're tall.
My fuckin' dad was taller than you.
Punch me in the face.
I have been pummeled by men bigger than you.
- Guys - I will fuckin' kill you.
I will rip your throat open! - Jesus.
- Okay.
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
Tom, sit down.
It's all right.
- Yeah, Tom, sit down.
- You gotta go.
- I gotta go? - Yeah, you gotta go.
- Tom should fuckin' go.
- Well, it's gotta be one of you.
- I live down the block, so - Today it's-- yeah, okay.
- Fuck you.
I will see you tomorrow.
- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Hey, Sylvi.
You okay? I heard you were feeling lousy last night.
- Yes, Pete, I have cancer.
- I know.
I know that.
- Hey, guys, can we talk? Can we have a minute? Let's talk through this.
- I-- I have a minute.
- Let me have it, please.
- Well, I got to watch the bar.
- Buy them a round.
- Yeah, good idea.
All right, folks, this one is on the house.
So is everything okay? - Yeah, look, um Listen, okay, so we just lost Uncle Pete, and part of me says let's respect that.
(piano playing) But part of me thinks, listen, we got a lot of-- we have a few decisions, big decisions to make that affect all of us.
So maybe we just get on with it and start talking about - Okay, Horace, Sylvi, I think I should lay it on the line.
All right, I said some stuff yesterday, you know, trying to be a tough guy when I said "I don't care if you sell this place, I don't need this, I'll be okay without this.
" Well, I won't.
I just won't, so please, please don't sell it, Horace.
Please.
And Sylvi, don't make him.
I know he doesn't like to say no to you.
I mean, yeah, I'm in my 50s and I've never lived anywhere else.
I've never worked anyplace else, I I mean, this place and our family is my life.
So, I mean, Uncle Pete was my dad and I-- I never even knew it.
So you guys are all I have.
And I don't know what I'll do.
And I know it sounds like I'm begging, and I guess I am, but And I'm ashamed.
But I don't have a choice.
- Pete, Sylvia is very sick.
- I know that, don't you think I've taken that into account? I know that.
- She's also broke.
- Horace - And she doesn't have enough money to pay her bills or her rent.
- Thanks, Horace, stop please.
- Yeah, well, that's what's going on! You're here trying to close the place 'cause you need the money.
Okay? And yes Pete won't have any place to work or live without this place or anywhere to get his pills.
- Right, so you're pitting his needs against mine.
- Yeah, and yours against his, because that's what this is guys.
And there's no good answer.
- Well, then why don't we sell this fucking place? If you want, we'll split it three ways, I don't care.
- But what about this place? What about it? I mean, this-- this place has been here for a hundred years.
Do you know what that means, Sylvia? - When World War II ended, people came in here to celebrate.
All right, during Prohibition, the first Horace and Pete sold near-beer and corned beef sandwiches just to keep it open.
You know how many bad times this place got through, and we're just gonna sell it? What about all those traditions? - Fuck all of that, Pete.
They're all dead, all of them.
They're gone.
We don't have to hang on to any of that fucking bullshit for them.
They are gone.
We are here.
We have need.
- Okay, so we sell the place and then it's gone.
And then we have a little bit of money and then-- and then what? - Horace - I got another idea.
(chuckling) Okay.
What if we split it three ways, like she's saying, but we keep it open? - Oh, fuck.
- Yeah, like come in with us is what I'm saying, Sylvi.
Help us run it.
Live upstairs and I'll take care of you while you're sick and you'll get better, and then you help us turn this place into something.
- That's never gonna It's always been just the two guys, Horace and Pete.
- Yeah, well, fuck that, like she said.
They're dead, they're all gone, and it's just us.
It's just the three of us, okay? So I'm saying, bring her in.
Turn it into something new.
- Horace, I don't want that.
I don't wanna run a fucking bar.
- Well, it's an option, Sylvia, and you don't have a lot, okay? And I don't care if he's our cousin or he's our brother, but I'm not-- I'm not throwing him out on the street for you.
Or for myself.
- To live in Brooklyn again? - Yeah, Brooklyn's coming up, remember? Sylvia, I don't care what we turn it into, but this one we could do together.
I mean, fuck the Horace and Pete shit right now.
Take the pictures down and let's change the name and let's just-- let's-- - No, no, no, no, no.
Leave it just-- leave it the way it is.
Keep everything exactly the way it is.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to start a new business? Just leave it-- leave it like it is.
- Okay.
- Um, just for the record, Sylvia, I would-- I would really love that.
To have you here, I mean.
Maybe it means something and maybe it doesn't, but I-- I miss, you know - What good am I gonna be to anybody here? I'm a mess, I'm, you know, I have cancer.
- Sylv-- not for long.
I mean, come on.
Come on, Sylvi, you're gonna be fine.
I feel bad for the cancer.
Fuck that.
- I don't know, Horace, I don't know if I can do it.
I don't know if I'd want to do it.
I don't know if I can do it.
I got to go.
Yeah.
(Marsha sighs) - Bye.
- Good-bye.
See you later.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Thanks.
- You just came up with that.
And you sprung it on me.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, you didn't consult me before-- bef - No, I didn't.
She probably won't do it anyway.
- And if she doesn't, then what? - Then I'll-- I'll have to sell the place, Pete.
- I mean, the fucking Internet is the worst thing in the world.
It's ruining everything, you know.
I-- I hate the Internet.
- So turn it off.
You can turn the Internet off, you know that, right? - Yeah, the Internet's got an on/off switch.
Not like life.
Life just has an off switch.
Which is still pretty cool.
You can punch out whenever you want, you know.
And the interesting thing is, no matter how bad life gets, most people will not flick that switch, you know? Even in the most-- actually, especially in the most miserable time and place, most people choose to participate when they do not have to.
- Just like the Internet.
- Or look at it like Syria, that ain't gonna get no better.
Those people got no future.
It's ISIS and poison gas for the lot of 'em.
But you don't hear about any mass suicides there.
Why don't they all just kill themselves? - Imagine if one night, everyone in the world killed themselves.
Even babies.
Imagine a baby killing himself.
- I saw a baby kill himself once.
- Well, good for the baby, you know.
At least he didn't stick around complaining about how bad his baby life was, like some people.
Holy shit, that annoys me.
Every time someone complains about their shitty life, I'm like, "Hey, why don't you just get the fuck out? "No one's keeping you here, okay? Just go.
" I will never understand that, why more people with bad lives don't just peace the fuck out.
- Because maybe it'll get better.
(jukebox playing) - The morning came Today with rain and sheets of gray The subway rocked me out of bed To take me on my way Where I go, I go in style Each and every time You know I'm not alone New York is my home I got a girl up in the Bronx She treats me like a king I'll give her anything she wants She is my everything She can be hard as concrete Soft as a summer breeze We can wake the dawn New York is my home New York is calling me It's on the phone It's like a rooftop song Up from the cobblestone New York is my home - Hell, no I can't complain about my problems I'm okay the way things are I pull my stool up to the bar At Horace and Pete's Sometimes I wonder Why do we tear ourselves to pieces? I just need some time to think Or maybe I just need a drink At Horace and Pete's Horace and Pete (record scratching)