Hot In Cleveland s01e05 Episode Script

Yes, the strangest thing just happened to me.
I had a conversation with a neighbor.
Wow.
I never even saw my neighbors in L.
A.
Except during earthquakes.
Yeah, sometimes we'd pull out of our driveways at the same time, and as our electronic gates were opening, I'd think I don't even know their names, and they don't know mine.
And the world was good.
Well, that was the L.
A.
us.
Here in Cleveland, we're gonna get to know our neighbors.
In fact, I'm throwing a party.
Tomorrow.
Look at me being all spontaneous.
I changed my hair.
Elka, why would-- I mean, why? I wanted something fresh.
I found a picture in a magazine, and I gave it to my hair stylist.
Was it a picture of Elmo? This red hair comes with a temper.
I will c you.
Okay, red, what's going on? Max invited me to the senior senior prom.
That is so cute.
Yeah, if you think piranhas surrounding a baby seal is cute.
Ah, so the ladies love Max, huh? Especially Agnes Bratford.
Or should I say fat-ass hag-ford.
Well, she doesn't sound like much of a rival.
She takes hormone replacements.
I can't compete with someone who's doping.
I have to take it up a notch.
Now I just need the dress to make it all pop.
Don't forget the red nose and floppy shoes.
Oh, my God.
Is that Victoria Chase? New ringtone? Don't judge.
- Victoria Chase? - Oh, it's my Agent.
He sent a text, but I can't read it.
My glasses are upstairs.
Can you No, a little further.
Good, good.
A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial.
Years of honing my craft, and finally my dream is coming true.
Your dream is to do a Japanese commercial? No.
To sell out for an obscene amount of money.
What's the product? Um, I'm not sure.
Beneficial dryness force.
Probably some sort of antiperspirant.
Oh, that's not so bad.
A lot of a-listers do it.
I heard Brad Pitt did a Japanese commercial for baby formula.
I know, and now nutrition breast juice wow is, like, the number one brand.
Hey, Elka, you never told us what your senior prom theme was.
Oh, let me guess-- a night to try to remember? Let's play a game.
Raise your hand if you've got a boyfriend.
Cupcakes are up.
Actually, they're Ohio cakes.
See, 'cause they're round on the ends and high in the middle.
Get it? O-hi-o.
Are you sure you're not high in the middle? I just want to make a good impression.
Look, I got great Lake Latkes.
And I have drew curry with Lebron rice.
And to wash it all down, some cold, delicious Cuyahoga River punch.
You know, that River was so polluted, it actually caught fire once.
But they cleaned it all up.
Well, some of us happen to like a little pollution.
Look.
My agent just sent a box of ozawa industrial brothers Mrs.
ladypant beneficial dryness force.
Mrs.
ladypants.
I'm thinking it's not an antiperspirant.
Uh.
"Say greeting to Mrs.
ladypant.
For best good times, be on dry.
" That's weird.
There's, like, something in there.
Like a pad or A diaper.
What are you talking about? They're pants.
With an attractive inner padding.
On their butt.
Oh, give it up, darling.
- It's a diaper.
- It's not a diaper! It's pants.
And they're comfortable and perfectly stylish, and I love them.
And they are paying me a ton of money to "Preserve Freshness of crotch.
" As pants do.
So just lay off.
Isn't this great? Look how happy and relaxed everyone is.
I know.
In L.
A.
, by now, I'd have had at least one conversation where someone's looking past me to find someone more important.
Yeah, I hate that.
And don't you just love how everyone seems to have worn whatever? I mean, look at those women.
Their hair is still wet.
It took me an hour and a half to blow this dry.
Maybe we should take a lesson from them.
- Hmm.
- Or maybe they could take a blow dryer from us.
- Hello, ladies.
- Hello.
I'm Rick from across the street.
And, yes, I do smell of fish.
We weren't gonna say anything.
I just had a glorious morning fishing on Lake Erie.
Maybe I could bring you some muskie some time.
Oh, what a lovely offer.
Ah, there's that fish smell.
So are you a fisherman? No, no, no, I work for the plain dealer.
I write a column on Cleveland, what I like, what I don't like.
What I would like is to interview you, Melanie.
It's quite a thing for this neighborhood to get a best-selling author.
And a famous actress.
Crazy, huh? I'm not really an author.
One book, you know.
Jotted down 200 things I wanted to do one day.
But it did sell like crazy.
Although it wasn't on television for 27 years.
Let her have her moment, or I'll tell him about your diapers.
- Pants.
- Diapers.
So was moving to Cleveland one of your list things? Oh, God, no.
No, before I came here, I thought, you know, Cleveland was one of those places people came from but they never went to.
Oh.
So what made you choose Cleveland over L.
A.
? Oh, gosh, where do I start? You know, in L.
A.
, everyone is so thin and perfect.
It really starts to mess with your self-esteem.
But here, I feel great.
- I see.
- No.
No, wait.
I think I'm not communicating very well.
You know, Rick, Melanie isn't as accustomed to being interviewed as I am.
So maybe you could just let her have a few moments to gather her thoughts and go grab something to eat? Right, why don't I just go feed my fat, ugly face.
You forgot smelly.
What is wrong with me? How did that happen? I meant to say that people in L.
A.
Are vain and superficial.
- I got to fix this.
- Just let it go.
No, you try to fix that, you will only make it worse.
T he's our neighbor.
And a columnist.
I don't want him not to like me.
I like being likeable.
Not to brag, but it's kind of my thing.
You should be able to tolerate someone not liking you.
You're right.
I mean, a ton of people don't like you, and you're fine with it.
I'm gonna staple my mouth shut.
As soon as I fix this.
- Rick, hi.
- Hi.
I'm just--I'm sorry.
I'd like to explain.
When I said that people in L.
A.
Are perfect and thin, I did not mean to imply that everyone here is fat and ugly.
No.
Uh-uh.
I just mean, people in L.
A.
, they're abnormally thin, right? Everyone here is normal.
- Ah.
- They're healthy.
Well, I don't know if I would use healthy.
'Cause, you know, there have been studies, and it's ver--oh.
What I mean to say is that, here, you can relax, you know, - and let yourself go.
- Okay.
Okay.
You see it happening, but there's nothing you can do about it.
So you think we've let ourselves go.
No.
No, no, no.
I meant that, here, life is simpler.
It's like going back in time.
So we're backward.
No! No! Why aren't you understanding this? Just simple, I guess.
I was wrong.
She fixed it.
Hey, how about we all have some Cuyahoga River punch? That River hasn't caught fire in 40 years.
I'm sorry.
Let me explain.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I got a column to write.
No, no, I love Cleveland.
I love Lebron.
Or I don't.
You tell me! Frankly, you guys are a little wishy-washy on that one.
- Oh, it's a fabulous party.
- Oh, really.
- What am I gonna do? - Oh, stop worrying so much.
Cleveland's a rock and roll town.
Lots of party end with fire.
I can't help but worry, 'cause if Rick is writing the article I think he's writing about me, the whole city's gonna hate me.
Oh, just leave it alone.
It'll blow over.
I know what I have to do.
I have to go across the street and talk to him.
And he'll see that I'm a nice person, because I'm sure he's a nice person, right? Right, because your plan has worked so well up to this point.
Yeah, I know.
That's why you're gonna come over there and back me up.
Well, why do I have to? You're the one who went all Don Rickles on Cleveland.
Where's Victoria? I'm gonna need her too.
Upstairs, trying on her pants.
I don't think we want to interrupt that.
Do you think he'll like the wine? Or does it seem pretentious? Should I have brought beer? Mm.
Or is that insulting? Oh, God, is this from California? Do they make Cleveland wine? What did we say about too many questions in a row? I know.
I'm doing it again, aren't I? What's wrong with me? What is it with me and questions? He's not home.
We'll try again later.
Wait, wait, no.
I see his computer.
It's got writing on it.
It says, "Melanie MoRetti is a horrible person.
" How can you read that from here? I just know.
We have to sneak in there and read it.
- What? - Don't you see? If it's not bad, then I'll just relax.
But if it's terrible, someone who really cares about me could delete it.
Wait.
What's that noise? I can't believe you left without me.
Are you wearing your diaper pants? Stop saying that.
It is the Mrs.
ladypant beneficial dryness force.
I have to wear it at least once before I can legally say, "I feel as fresh as mt.
Fuji.
" So are we breaking into this place or what? You don't even know why we're breaking in.
Well, I'm assuming it's either to read his column or delete it.
- See? - All right.
Wait, you go first.
You have padding.
Oh, God, I can't look.
What's it say? - Oh, my God.
- What? What? Is it bad? Oh, it's terrible.
I mean, he doesn't even mention me.
It's not bad at all.
He just says I'm a well-meaning klutz.
Well, I guess that trumps award-nominated actress.
I am so relieved.
- Then what are you doing? - Changing my age, of course.
- Mm.
- Come on.
Let's go.
And don't leave any smudges on the windowpanes.
I don't want him to know anybody's been here.
Wait, wait, I think I can still get away with 41.
I can't believe we just did that.
My heart is still pounding.
I know.
I haven't felt this excited about getting away with something since I convinced my fourth husband that I was still a virgin.
I mean, that was some acting.
Well, I say that we celebrate now that it's all over.
How about we open that bottle of wine you were gonna give to Rick? No.
Okay.
Something else.
No.
I mean, it's still there.
I forgot to bring it out with me, and it's got a note on it from me.
He's gonna know I was there.
Oh, great.
Well, we better hurry.
No! You make too much noise.
Just text me if you see him coming.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Elka.
Hi, Elka.
Is that your dress? Don't start with me.
What's wrong? My hair.
- Oh.
- I got a good look at myself in the dress shop.
I look like little orphan granny.
Why didn't you say something? Well, to be fair, I did say you looked like Elmo, and I had a couple of good bozo jokes at the ready too.
I'm not gonna even go to that stupid prom.
All the cool seniors stay home anyway.
Oh.
Get back here, raggedy Ann.
Last one.
You know, I'm not just an eyebrow expert.
I'm good with all kinds of unwanted hair.
I can help you.
You're in cahoots with fat-ass hag-ford, aren't you? Now you may not realize this, Elka, but we are in the presence of a genius.
Ill-tempered, disagreeable, snarky, yes.
But I would trust her with my life, and more importantly, with my hair.
I know we can be hard on each other, but you have my word.
I will do whatever I can with that.
And if it doesn't work, we can park you at the end of a runway.
All right, there was one more.
Okay.
Let's do it, bones.
I'm sorry.
Who? - Joy.
- Thank you.
Bones.
I said bones, is what I said.
Hello, Melanie.
Oh, my, you have a beautiful home.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Oh, not at all.
I'm just not really dressed for company.
Oh, what are you talking about? You're dressed just fine.
Very distinctive.
I love a robe.
Oh.
Thank you.
- So - Oh, so, Rick, um, I just wanted to see you again.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
'Cause you know, there was tension between us earlier in the day.
You felt it too? I got to say, it was pretty obvious.
And then I got all flustered, and I made it worse.
Well, you're not flustered now.
Nope.
'Cause we're neighbors.
Maybe even more than neighbors.
We're friends, right? I hope so.
Wow.
Quite a swordfish you got there.
Oh, thank you.
It's a sailfish actually.
Took me three hours to land him.
Boy, I loved every second.
You know, there's just something about the struggle of man against beast that, I don't know, I guess the only word for it would be primal.
Ohh! Something catch your interest? I was admiring your balls.
Really? That's refreshing.
Most women aren't interested in my balls.
Go ahead.
Touch them.
Wow.
Smooth.
- They're shellacked.
- Oh, well.
Is that a bottle of wine? Oh, yes, yes, it's sort of a peace offering.
Oh.
I didn't notice it before.
Well, I was waiting for the right moment.
And now it's here.
Here.
Oh.
Look.
Why don't I get some glasses and you make yourself comfortable? That would be lovely.
I'm so glad you came over.
I knew I'd see you again.
I just didn't think it would be this soon.
Really? I was afraid you didn't like me.
Oh, I like you.
I like you a lot.
You know what, um, I don't need the wine.
I'm ready to go now.
As am I.
I don't think it's gonna be a very nice article after all.
Oh, my God.
What happened? Let's just say there are worse things than not having people like you.
Where's joy? Helping Elka get ready for prom.
Really? Joy? How is she? Well, it was touch and go for a minute.
Almost had to use a local anesthetic, but she'll make it.
That's Max.
I'm not ready! Oh, Max, you look so handsome.
When I wear the suit, I feel ten years younger.
Which is still 20 years older than I'd like to be.
Please come in.
- Hey, Max.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Is everybody ready? - Yes, yes.
- Yes.
Oh, my gosh.
You are breathtaking.
Which, at my age, is dangerous.
Max, my eyes are up here.
Just taking it all in.
You are gonna be prom queen for sure.
Why, thank you.
Not Agnes Bratford? You mean hagnes fatford? Max, that's terrible.
Shall we? Thanks for your help.
It was nothing.
And I hope this marks a turning point in our-- you fixed my hair.
Let's not go crazy.
She's all yours.
Thank you.
Plan to fix your own breakfast.
He didn't change his column.
You're still a well-meaning klutz who's only 41.
Ugh! Should have tried for 39.
Okay, take everything you used to think about beneficial dryness force products and throw it away.
Okay.
Done.
I feel as fresh as mt.
Fuji.
Dry for my lifetime like a monk.
Is it the water? Or is it the day? For relaxing times, make it ladypant time.
Ozawa industrial brothers, you are the friend in my pants.
It wasn't my classiest endeavor.
But just remember, it's only airing in Japan.
Oh, thank God.
Is that Victoria Chase? It's probably my Agent, calling to blow smoke up my-- well, you know.
Oh, my God.
Is that Victoria Chase? When do we tell r it's all over the Internet? Oh, I know.
I saw it too.
I posted it.