House Husbands (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

Do you want to go out? What? Like, on a date? Yeah.
Yeah.
A bit like that.
Oh, no.
Here we go.
Do I have talk to him? Do I need to remind you he's my brother-in-law? Kaney, mate.
How are you? Lewis.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful baby princess named Stella, who one day, something very sad happened to the princess's mummy.
She got very sick and went to heaven.
Baby Princess Stella went to live with her Uncle Tom and his charming prince, Kane.
That's me.
You and Tilly are my new business.
And for me to be successful with my new business, I need a new job title.
Will you promote me to husband? Carb loading.
You've got a big training session today.
Didn't you train yesterday? Grand final tomorrow.
We need all the practice we can get.
"We" as in you, Dad, or the 5-year-olds? Wow! Look at you.
You look great.
Going somewhere special? Just out.
Alright.
Now, Poppy, I want you to try and stop it if you can, OK? Remember you can use your hands, Pop.
Or your feet.
Over here, kids.
Over here.
Over here.
Come on.
Why does Lewis have a whistle? I don't know.
Last time I looked, I was coach.
Come on.
Rightio.
Listen up.
Now, when you're kicking for goal, don't kick it straight to the goalie.
Poppy might not be stopping them, but the opposition will.
What does that mean? They're a really good team.
So when you kick for goal, kick to the left-hand or the right-hand side of the goalie.
- Got it? - Yep.
OK.
Go! I'm good.
Alright.
Bring it over here.
So Mum will pick you up after soccer training, alright? OK.
Alright.
Go get them.
Where are you going? Out.
Something special? We got training.
Just out.
Don't forget to pass the ball.
Eyes this way.
Eyes this way, kids.
Go, Otters! Ouch.
Sorry I'm running late.
Nicola was meant to pick up Angie already.
We can reschedule.
No.
No.
No.
She'll be here any sec.
You mind looking after Angie while I get cleaned up? Sure.
Thank you.
Hello, baby.
Hey, baby.
Look at this.
Lovely keys.
What is wrong? What is? Have you been chewing on these? Where's the? There's a little key thing.
The little L, where has that gone? Don't.
Baby.
Baby.
Baby.
Where? Have you? Oh, no.
Justin? What's going on? I gave Angie my keys because she was upset, as you do with babies.
And she was, like, sucking on them.
And I think that she might have swallowed the charm.
It's just this little L that I keep with my key ring.
And it was on my keys.
And now it's not.
So did you see her swallow it? No, not exactly.
Can I clarify? Was anyone actually watching Angie? I only looked away for a second.
It's an L, right.
Lyou know, for Lucy.
Stella's leg's still hurting.
Get some ice on it.
We've been overdoing the training.
Maybe you shouldn't have insisted on the extra session.
Yeah.
I hope she's alright for tomorrow.
She'll be right.
She's our star striker.
Hey, you want to come around to my place? I got some ideas on how to deal with subbing the kids on and off the field.
Well, there's seven kids.
It's five a side.
Two of them are going to have to peel oranges.
No.
We rotate like we always have.
Yeah.
Well, they can all have a go.
But you don't want your weaker kids spending too much time on the field during a grand final.
Weaker kids? Which ones would they be? I'm just going by the stats.
Rotation policy stays.
All the kids are on the field for the same amount of time.
What? I just want us to win.
Something wrong with that? I swallowed one of my granddad's cufflinks once.
And I'm still here to tell the story.
And then when I was six, I put a grape in my ear just to see if it would turn into a sultana.
Do you mind if I make a call? Just to see if, um, Angie's OK? Oh, yeah.
Go for it.
Sweet.
How is she? I've changed her nappy.
There's nothing.
OK.
Well, it's still early days.
I'm not going to wait for her to get a bowel obstruction.
I'm taking her to the hospital.
Well, I'll meet you there then.
Bit late to play concerned parent.
Angie needs your undivided attention.
You don't take your eyes off her ever.
We, uh don't need to go to the hospital.
What? What do you mean? Where did you get that? It was by the edge of the rug.
What? And you pocketed it? We've got a custody case coming up.
I thought we could use it as, you know, ammunition.
We're not the bad guys here.
We don't have to stoop to these kind of tactics.
You want sole custody, don't you? Yes.
Of course I do.
The point is she could have swallowed it.
Angie's just a little baby.
The boys are only five.
They need stability to be raised in one, safe home, not toing and froing between places left with with random girlfriends.
I don't want you pulling a stunt like that again.
I can't help how protective I am of these kids.
They're like my own.
Hey, thank you for lunch.
It was, you know It was a disaster.
I'm sorry.
It was just Maybe we could do it again sometime.
Choking your daughter and not eating an expensive meal? Hey.
Angie's OK.
We got the charm.
So it came out then? Yeah.
Fantastic.
Can you talk or? I've got to go to work.
See you later.
Yeah.
Cool.
I'll I'll call you.
What do you want, Nic? Custody case isn't looking good for you, Justin with the bus incident and hitting Rodney in the face.
I'm happy to settle out of court if you'll just agree to stick to the current arrangements.
What? Two days, no nights? Yeah.
Mmm.
Why now? Why come to me with this now? Because minimal contact is better than no contact at all.
How about I get the kids and promise not to punch your boyfriend again? Two days, no nights.
I keep sole custody.
Accept this or you could end up with nothing.
It's your call.
Look.
Tactics.
Soccer tactics for 5-year-olds.
Shania Twain? It was the '90s.
I was lonely.
I can see why.
Do we even need a wedding dance? Yeah.
Course you do.
Everyone does.
Did you? No.
Well, see? But I regret it.
I kept being you denying my inner bridezilla, trying to be cool.
In the end, our bridal waltz consisted of Mark and Kane doing the chicken dance.
Mmm.
So much for cool.
What about 'Dirty Dancing'? Hey, Lewis? Yeah? What do you think about 'Dirty Dancing'? Oh, yeah.
Sure, if you want to dance with someone else.
We need something that speaks to us.
You know, like that old Stones track.
Like with your first wife? Ouch! I'll get it.
Yeah.
You get it.
Mmm.
I should get going.
OK, baby.
See you, gorg.
Didn't know if I had the right place.
That depends on what you're after.
Beer.
I can help you there.
I guess this is where we do the whole intro thing.
I'm Max.
I'm Lucy.
Pleased to meet you, Lucy.
It's my housemate, checking whether he should feed my dog.
What kind of dog do you have? A hungry one.
I used to have this beautiful old border collie.
Luna, right? How do you know the name of my dog? Come on, Lucy, we don't need to keep doing this, do we? Sorry? Doing what? This whole 'date that's not a date' thing.
You sent the first email.
I never emailed you.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, I kind of figured you were crazy when you suggested we pretend we don't know each other.
We don't know each other.
Last time I try the online dating thing.
Online? What do you mean she wants to cut a deal? That's not a deal.
Her and dopey getting to decide when and if you get to see your own kids? Bugger that.
You're not going for that, are you? You've seen my CV? Since when did you play a defensive game? You've got to go on the attack.
Tell her you want 50% custody and you'll see her in court.
I don't like my chances, mate.
You made a few mistakes.
So what? Who hasn't? I'm not perfect.
I've watched you with Zac and Jacob.
You're a great dad.
And I'd be happy to sign a piece of paper to that effect or stand up in court and say it if it will help.
And so would the other blokes - and Gem.
Gem, are you listening to this? Every word.
And it's a yes, Justin.
Anything we can do to help.
Lean on your mates.
That's what they're for.
Hey, sweetheart.
Did you set me up on a date? Might want to finish this up later, mate.
I'll give you a lift home.
Lewis, what is she talking about? We can stick your bike in the back of the car.
Your freak of a fiance created an online dating profile for me.
What? He's been emailing guys, pretending to be me.
Why would he do that? It's a very good question, isn't it, Dad.
Car's out the front.
I don't need a lift.
Don't be stupid.
It's freezing out there, mate.
What? You're setting up Lucy with some dates? Yeah, I was showing her she had options.
Oh, options.
Options other than me, right? I mean, look at this.
It's a giveaway.
Under "Influential people in my life" "Martin Luther King, Ghandi, JFK and my dad.
" Justin's on the rebound.
His life's a mess.
You don't need that.
Since when did you become an expert at what I need? Oh, don't give him that opening.
I picked a good one, didn't I? Check out his profile - smart, handsome.
He's a law student, just like Lucy.
Max thinks I'm a nut job.
What did you think would happen? Well, I thought there might be a bit of confusion at first, but then the chemistry would take over.
You're unbelievable.
You scored 98% compatibility.
No, Dad.
You scored.
You filled out the form.
Maybe you should date him.
Maybe you should marry him.
Look at that composure.
You see where he's looking? He's looking at the eyes.
He's watching the eyes of his opposition player.
That's how players state their intent.
The feet are just there to bamboozle you.
You think about that on grand final day when you're in goals, OK? I want you to focus on the eyes.
Not the feet, the eyes.
Mark? She's asleep.
Don't you think you're taking this whole soccer thing a little too seriously? This is a bit rich coming from the girl who gave up swimming because she didn't make the regionals.
I made regionals.
It was state I didn't make.
And I would have if it hadn't been for bloody Michaela Davidson and her non-regulation tumble turns.
Good to see you're over it.
Look, I know your dad has a strange way of dealing with things but he does love you in his own emotionally challenged way.
He's a control freak.
My whole life he has had to micro-manage.
Now he's on to my love-life.
I just don't know what he's scared of.
What is the worst possible thing that could happen if Justin and I started seeing one another? You could fall in love with him and he could go back to his ex.
Apart from that.
How's that? Any better? Really? You're not just saying that so I'll let you play today? Because I'm beginning to think you shouldn't.
Uncle Tom said I could.
Did he? Uh Yeah.
I could have.
Grand final fever still running high in your house? What is it with boys and their balls? So what are you two doing here? Starting to feel like we've moved in, aren't we, Stell? Whose pics? This one.
Leg's hurting.
Oh, is it still giving you grief, darling? Yeah.
I'm worried she might have a hairline fracture.
You would, you hypochondriac.
Give me a look.
The doctor thinks it's just muscle strain.
Well, you guys have been playing pretty hard.
Her leg looks fine to me.
That mean I can still play? Looks like it, sweetie.
Yay! They did her lower back too? Yeah.
She's had some back pain.
Doctor reckons it's just muscles overcompensating.
Why don't I take a proper look at these on the light box? Then I can write you guys a ticket out of this joint.
Get him under the ribs.
Come on.
Give up the ball.
Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Yay! Hi! Mummy! Mummy! Where's Angie? Is she asleep? Yeah.
Boys, grab your bags.
Nice job.
Two days doesn't cut it.
Look, I've made some mistakes, Nic but I won't let the kids become another one.
I can't be Mr Minimal.
Sorry.
Well, I guess I'll see you in court then.
Bye, Daddy.
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
Ohh! Nic.
The footy.
There you go.
Bye.
Love you.
Were you hiding? No.
I was, um I had I'd come to drop off your car.
And then I dropped the keys.
And so that's why I was, like on the ground.
Um, anyway.
Here.
Um, I really appreciate the loan of the car.
But I can't keep driving your car.
Why not? Dad was right.
It was the insurance issue.
I mean, if I had a crash, I'm not covered, you're not covered.
It puts you at risk.
It puts me at risk.
It's just too much risk.
I'll change policies then.
I don't think that you should.
I've really got to go.
Lucy.
See you.
Lucy.
Hey, Gem.
Can you take a look at something for me? Right there.
See anything? No.
What are we looking at? Uh, there's pressure on L4.
Who's the patient? My niece.
Abi, there are reasons we don't treat family.
Can you organise an MRI as soon as possible? No.
I'm not.
Here.
You draw up a new game.
I'll be right back.
OK? Uh, we got the results of the MRI.
She's broken her leg, hasn't she? She's not going to be able to play.
Where's Tom? He's at work.
Why? Tom's her legal guardian.
I should be telling him this first.
OK.
You're starting to spook me now.
What's up? They found a small tumour on Stella's spine.
It's impacting on the spinal cord, which is why her leg's hurting.
We need to take a biopsy and then we'll know more.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
How is she? She still doesn't understand what's going on.
Maybe you can go and talk to her, explain the logic of the biopsy.
Look, they need you to fill in these forms.
They need your consent.
Just just sign here and here.
I filled in all the details.
Maybe you pushed her too hard when you trained her.
We knew she had something in the leg.
And you've done too much.
This is not about overtraining.
It's a tumour.
Are you alright to sit with her for a while? Where are you going? Home.
I wanna get her teddy and PJs.
Mate? Where have you been? We've got to talk tactics.
I've got a few great attacking moves here I want to run past you.
Haven't you heard? Stella's sick.
Oh, that's no good, mate.
We've no chance without Stella.
It's a tumour, Lewis.
Oh, well, the other kids will just have to rise to the challenge, cope without her.
This kitchen's like an Olympic pool when it rains.
And they're predicting more later in the week.
I was hoping you'd give me a hand.
Doesn't sound like a 2-man job.
Well, roofs and water - could be tricky like women Could use your expertise.
I thought with Stella sick, it would be a load off Kane's mind to have it sorted.
But if you're too busy No.
I'll help.
But I'm doing this for Kane.
Let's be clear on that.
Yeah.
The sealant round the skylight's rotted out.
It's probably just a silicone job.
I thought you said it was tricky.
Your nose still out of joint? Why do you think that would be, mate? What? You think I'm not good enough for your daughter.
Justin, you're at different points in your life.
You've just come out of a long-term marriage.
You want to sow your wild oats.
Nothing wrong with that.
Oh, is that what I'm doing, is it? Yeah.
Yeah.
You'd know.
You know everything.
Lucy's not a wild oats kind of girl.
She's 23.
How about you let her decide what she is? I'm her father - I'm not going to stand here and argue with you about what's right for my daughter.
You think you know what's best for everyone, don't you? What? You're gonna deny it? Go on.
Admit it.
You're a controlling bastard.
Yeah.
Real mature.
You've hardly said a word to Stella all day.
She's starting to pick up on it.
I don't know what to say to her.
Just talk to her.
You got the results from the biopsy? Yeah.
The tumour's benign.
So it's not cancer? We're not out of the woods yet.
The tumour is positioned quite close to the spinal cord.
So as it grows, it's going to create more problems for her.
Can't you just cut it out? Yes.
But you need to be aware that there's a possible risk of paralysis.
I'm going to call Mum.
She needs to be here.
I can't do this kind of thing on my own.
You're not on your own.
You know what I mean.
No, I don't.
I'm not cut out for this.
I'm not a parent.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I leave everything up to you.
You're not even related.
Look, it's about time that I faced the fact that Stella is better off with my mum and dad looking after her.
Your sister chose you as guardian for a reason.
She wanted you to look after her.
You signed up for that.
OK.
What do I know about parenting? Pull yourself together.
It's Every time that I look at her, I see my sister.
It's happening all over again.
I know.
But thinking the worst isn't going to help anyone.
There's a little girl in there who needs you.
It's time you manned up.
Stella, where are you going? Soccer.
I'm sorry, sweetie, but soccer's off the agenda now.
I want to go.
I'm sorry.
And I don't want to have the operation.
You have to, Stell.
Why? Because it will make you better.
Poppy needs me.
Listen to me, darling girl.
I can't let you play, honey.
But what if I said we could all go to the game together and you could cheer on your friends? Would that be good? Good girl.
You want to tell me how you got stuck up there? I sleepwalked.
Why did you call me? Don't you have any other friends? Well, my phone is actually stuck on L, for Lucy.
You better get a new phone.
No, I like this one.
Hey, I want you, uh to see the view.
What? Get up here! Seriously, you won't regret a thing.
Get up here.
See.
Told you.
It's good, isn't it? OK.
Everybody gather round.
Coach Kane is going to give you a talk.
Come on, girls, come over here.
It will be OK, Stella.
I'll take care of you.
Alright.
Eyes this way.
You're all such a great bunch of kids.
I've really, really enjoyed coaching you.
And it's been a pretty big week.
And, uh Yeah.
It's been a big week of training, kids.
And I know you're probably all a little bit tired and sore.
And I know what it's like to be tired you don't feel like chasing after that ball.
You want to give up, let somebody else do your job.
But today nobody gives up.
Because if you give up that means you let your team mates down.
And the biggest crime in my book is letting a mate down.
There's a lot of talent in this team.
Zac, with his speed.
Jacob with that booming right foot.
Tilda, iron defence.
Poppy, what can I say? Big smile, big heart.
Individual brilliance is one thing, backing up your team mates - that's what it's all about.
And today, one of our team mates can't be out there.
I reckon Stella would give her other front tooth to be out there with you guys today but she can't.
So when your legs feel heavy and tired and you feel like you can't run anymore, I want you to think of Stella and run harder.
Alright.
Get down and warm up.
Let's go, Otters.
Come on, Otters.
Come on, Otters.
Let's do it.
Let's go, Otters.
Nice speech.
Thanks.
I came by to pick you up, by the way.
I wasn't going to leave you stranded up there all day.
Just that Lucy got there first.
Try not to break her heart.
Tackle him, Zac.
Tackle him.
Off you go, Zac.
No.
No.
Other way.
Other way.
Go! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Oh! Men and their balls.
Come on, boys.
Come on.
Go, Zac! Go, son! Pass the ball.
Go, Zac! Yay! Jacob.
Go, the Otters! Yes! Teamwork.
Yes.
It's 1-1 with two minutes to go.
Oh, it's ours.
Come on, Otters.
Yeah.
Well, technically, it's Poppy's turn in goal.
I mean, if she misses one of these, it will crush her.
Well, I'll leave it up to you guys.
I'm not so sure it's such a good idea.
Let her go goalie.
What's the worst thing that can happen? We lose? Yeah.
Let her have a go.
Right.
Ref? Are you ready to go on? I want you to go over to that goal and protect it with your life.
Good girl.
Let's go, Otters.
Come on, Otters.
Yes, Poppy.
Come on, darling.
Show them what you're made of, Poppy.
Go, gorgeous.
You can do it.
Oh, my God.
I can't watch this.
Don't look at the feet.
Don't look at the feet, look at the eyes.
You know what this means? Penalty kick.
Oh, no.
What was that for? Handball.
She was outside the penalty box when she picked it up.
Poppy, remember - don't worry about hands and feet.
It's just eyes.
Eyes.
Just watch the eyes.
Eyes.
I can't watch this.
Come on, Pops.
You can do it.
Come on, baby.
Come on, Poppy.
Ohh! We win! We win! Well done, kids.
Great stuff.
Well played.
Come in, darling.
Come on, Poppy.
Very well played.
Everyone form a group.
OK.
Let's have three cheers for the other team.
- Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! - Hip, hip - Hooray! And three cheers for the Otters.
- Hip, hip - Hooray! Where's Stella? Have you seen Stella? What do you mean? Have you seen Stella? No.
Stella? Stella! Have you guys seen Stell? No.
You weren't watching? No.
Well, she was here a second ago.
Stella? Stell? Stella? Stella, are you in here? Stell.
Well, she must be here.
The spare key's in the back door.
No.
No.
No.
OK.
Alright.
Hey.
You can't hide here.
This This is my hiding spot.
Why do you need a hiding spot? Uh Sometimes I, uh, I get scared.
Like when you have to go to hospital.
Me too.
I'm scared of the food and other stuff.
Well, maybe um if we go together, it will be less scary, yeah? Yeah? Mm-hm.
I love you.
I missed it.
I was looking at his eyes and his feet.
But I forgot to look at the ball.
Sweetheart, you did very, very well.
We are so proud of you.
It's not about the result.
- You did your very - Very best.
Can I have an ice-cream? Sure.
You bet.
Go get one.
Did we just get played? Totally.
Yum.
Do you think she's going to be alright? She's got it all worked out? Yeah.
She gets that from me.
I've got to get to the hospital.
Hi.
Hey.
We're just about to go in.
Yeah, I know.
I brought something for you from all your team mates.
Wow! Thank you.
Thanks, mate.
What does it say, Uncle Tom? It says "Under-6s Season Best and Fairest - Stella Parker.
" Wow! Hey.
Can we make a deal? Can you not call me Uncle Tom anymore? What do I call you? Dad.
What do I call Uncle Kane? Well, you call him Dad too.
Dad Two? No.
I'm Dad One.
Alright.
You can be Dad One.
It's time.
I love you.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Go, the Otters! Thanks.
You look pretty comfortable with that new hug thing.
Well, it's not like it's a new concept, the hug.
My old man never hugged another bloke in his whole life.
Never hugged me.
Hmm.
You just put your arms around him and you squeeze.
You should try it.
Go on.
Oh! What are you doing? I was just going to say don't worry about the grass.
Don't worry about the lawn, I'll mow it.
OK.
Thanks.
OK.
She's out of theatre.
She's on her way back down.
You'll be able to see her in a moment.
Is she going to be OK? The surgeon's happy with how the operation went.
She'll be awake soon.
That's great.
She's going to be OK.
Hello, sweetie.
How are you feeling? Sleepy.
You have been a very brave girl.
You can go back to sleep, honey.
We'll be right here, OK? Will she When will we know if she can walk again? We'll try to get her up tomorrow.
Try? She needs to sleep.
And you guys should get some rest too.
OK? Stella.
What are you doing? Colouring in.
What does it look like? Where did you get your colouring-in book? Hey.
Stell.
You can walk.
Course I can, silly.
Can we go home yet? It's getting bor ing.
Soon, chicken.
Very soon.
Why Justin? He makes me happy.
Dad? I think you nailed it.
Have I? You're pretty good.
I know.
Hey, Gem.
What do you reckon for the wedding? I think you nailed it, babe.
You do realise we're getting married this weekend? Is that a trick question? You will be required to walk.
Next Sunday, a surprise they never saw coming Phoebe! Hey, you! Look how big you are.
G'day, Dad.
Are you having a baby? Will throw everything into chaos.
Surprise.
Happy Hens! So Dad's actually marrying you.
I think we should consider postponing.
You were the best thing to happen to your mum and me.
You're not backing out now.
Do you have any idea how big this hole is? You okay? I haven't got a clue.