House of Fools (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Today's the day of my birthday Can't wait to get my present If Vic's forgot, I'll have him shot By a gang of filthy Mexican peasants.
Yes! There he goes, ascending the stairs, look, with some sense of urgency.
- Right, do you remember the plan? - Yeah.
We grab him, we cut his head off, we put him in a bag - and then shove him in the reservoir.
- No, no, we dropped that plan.
Oh, no, I remember.
We pin him down, we plant a rosebush up his arse - and feed him Phostrogen till it blooms.
- No, no! That was just me blowing off steam.
Think '"birthday'".
- It's his birthday.
- Yeah, and? You've organised a surprise party for him.
Yeah, and he mustn't know anything about it.
And there's a surprised woman coming.
Well, no, there's not a surprisedwoman.
Bob'll be surprised when he finds out who the woman is.
- Who is it? - It's Erik's mam, Erika.
- She's coming over from Norway.
- Aw, does Bob still fancy her, then? Oh, I dunno, I never really thought to ask.
Anyway, look, here he comes descending the stairs now with a much more relaxed look - on his face.
- Yes.
Pretend you've forgotten his birthday.
Ta-da! Two, three, four! What? I'll tell you what, I'll run that tableau past you once more, OK? Ta-da! Two, three, four! - If you like.
- Yeah! Do you actually know what day it is today? Day Of The Jackal, Day The Earth Stood Still, I dunno.
Darren Day! No, it's my birthday! Two, three, four, whoa! Yeah, no, we agreed to forget about that a minute ago.
- Yeah.
- What? Oh, well, maybe it's a good thing, actually, when I think back to what happened last year! Come on, baby and one, two, three Give blood! Yeah, so if you're forgetting me birthday, I suppose you haven't got me a present, have you? Not even the tricycle that I kept dropping hints about? Don't laugh at my tricycle.
Father, I have remembered it's your birthday and have a present for you.
Ah, he's got me one.
Thank you, Erik.
- No, no touching.
- OK.
Here it is.
Wow, it's massive! Well, go on.
Open it, then.
OK.
I wonder what it is.
A missile, something like that? It's your coffin.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! And so on.
Yeah, and so on.
No, I like it, it's nice.
I mean, it's the thought that counts, Erik.
Yes, and my thought was, you've been shot.
With the Uzi! '"Oh, oh, I can't see.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! '"I didn't know it would end like this! '" No, I understand the thought that you've had there, Erik.
Well, no, I mean, at least you got me a present.
I thought that Vic might've woke me up this morning and given me one, you know? Well, that's disgusting! - Eugh! Eugh! - No, oh, Erik.
Eugh! Right, you two.
You're not going to ruin me birthday for me! It's not going to happen.
I've baked myself my own cake, I've bought a present for myself and I'm going to open it in peace here in the kitchen.
Go on, out you go.
Go on.
Go on! Right, where did I hide that present? Go away, cock face! Get in your coffin and die.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Erik, Erik, it's not your dad.
It's me, Vic.
Oh, hey, Vic.
- Hi.
- You look great, man.
- Thanks.
- Do you want to come in and bounce around for a bit? Maybe shoot the shit? Ooh, nah, not really.
No, thanks, Erik, not today.
I don't really want to shoot any shits.
I just came to tell you that, um, your mam's coming over from Norway for Bob's birthday.
- The trawler woman?! - Yeah.
That's a terrible idea! She's even worse than him.
If she asks about me, just tell her that I'm dead.
Oh, hold on, she can't be as bad as all that.
Can't she? You don't know her, do you? Right, where did I hide that present? Birthday, birthday! There's my cake out, now warmer warmer Red hot! Ow! I remember Yes! Oh! Golden cymbals.
Protect the ear.
Birthday boy! - Nice coffin, that.
- Yeah, he'll look nice in that, won't he? Is Erik Bob's only child? Yeah.
Oh, no! There was another one, but he was one of them Benjamin Button types.
He was, like, born fully grown, and then, four days later, he just disappeared down the plughole.
Some people say he's still there, all tangled up, with the hairballs and the Vosene.
- Is this a lie? - Yeah.
- Go on, tell us about Erik's mam, then.
- Well - It was in Norway.
It was in the '90s.
- Nice and hot, then? That was the decade, the '90s.
It was a cold, dark winter's night.
Bob was driving around Norway in a covered carriage displaying a creature that he'd captured in the Congo.
He pulled up at the side of the road to let the creature out for a piss.
He drove it out using his special whip.
So, the creature came out of the covered carriage and was startled by the brightness of the harvest moon.
it cried.
And he whipped it again with his special whip.
Shut up! Shout yer mouth, will you? He tethered the creature to a really strong nail, then Bob sat down to have his evening meal of a Mint Aero, and, as the first bubble hit his palate, he heard the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life.
- Yes? - Is this a lie? Yeah.
He was just driving around selling air-conditioning units.
Here he comes now, walking towards us with a look on his face - that doesn't suggest love.
- Huh.
All right? I was just telling Bosh about how you met Erik's mother.
Erik's mum? Oh, don't mention her, especially not on me birthday.
She's a psychopath! She had this boathook that she used to attack me with What are you laughing at? It ain't funny! - What? I don't - It's quite funny.
And I remember once, she made me dress up in an elephant costume, balance a pork pie on the end of me trunk, and parade around in front of all the other trawlermen in the market.
I sometimes think, you know, if she ever tracked me down, I'd just get ahead of it and just like slit me throat! Tcsshhh! Or take out me gastric band, you know Oof! Ugh! Ping! Boing, boing Boing! I had a dream I was a machine Thirty years in the future I hovered a bit Occasionally shit Nuts and bolts and metal sulta na-a-a-as! - All right, Beef? - Somebody ill? No, Erik got it for me.
Hey, I like your watch! It's a spray watch.
I got it off a gypsy lover of mine.
- Must be special.
- It is.
If you press this button, it's weedkiller.
That button - antihistamine.
No, sorry, thatbutton antihistamine, that one weedkiller.
Beef Do you know it's me birthday today? I do.
I have a present for you.
Present for me! - Yeah, what is it? - It's an advert I made in Africa in 1972.
Would you like to watch it? What, a VHS of you poncing around in Africa in 1972? No, I don't, actually.
- I want to see it.
- Oh, go on, then.
Put it on.
- Here it comes.
- Right, you lot, I'm going up to have me birthday bath.
Keep it quiet, yeah? When did you film this? '72.
I say, I'm going upstairs to have me birthday bath.
Keep it nice and quiet, yeah? There it is, look.
What the hell is that washing-up liquid you're using, darling? Just a cheap one I got on special offer.
You idiot! That won't shift that ground-in mutton.
Use this, you stupid cow.
Lord Shiftits scouring pad.
Gets to the heart of the mutton.
I know, darling.
I'm intolerable.
Yes, you are.
Don't be a moron! Use Lord Shiftits scouring pads.
It gets That was brilliant.
How much did you get paid for doing that? Not a penny.
I was paid in lambada lessons.
Ooh! - And mescaline.
- Ooh, nice.
The party starts in half an hour.
You go off and get your clobber on.
- And don't forget the booze.
- Yeah, but what about the food? There's a pig upstairs in the bathroom.
- Is there? - Yeah.
Promise me this.
When you're done with it, can I ride it? Yeah, I'll have it all saddled up and ready for you when you come back.
Oh, God! Excuse me, what is that in the bath?! Right, I'm off.
- It's a pig.
- Yes, but what's it doing in me bath? How should I know what it's doing? I'm not psychic.
Oh! It's my pig.
What about it, you twat? - No, it's all right.
- Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
Forget about the pig.
- Forget about it.
- All right.
I'll make sure you get the best birthday bath a man could ever wish for.
- So, how's it going then, son? - It's great.
It might be me best birthday bath ever.
- Thank you.
- I think it is, yeah.
- Is the water all right, warm enough? - Yeah, I reckon.
Try yourself.
A-diddle-iddle-iddle! Ooh, cheeky! Hey, how about some nice aromatherapy oil? - Oh, yeah, go on.
- Yeah? - For me birthday? - Here we are, look.
Yeah, look here.
- Mmm, that's nice, isn't it? - Ohhh! Oh, you can tell it's expensive stuff, Vic.
Yeah, I got it in the town centre.
Ooh, town centre? It will have cost a fortune.
Yeah, not like that cheap stuff you get on the outskirts.
- No, this feels good.
- And some aromatic bay leaves, eh? Ooh, put 'em in.
I hope they don't make me too sentimental.
- A diddle-iddle-iddle! - Hey! You are cheeky today! - I'm really enjoying it.
- Oh! That'll be Julie.
Look, you enjoy your lovely birthday soak.
Thanks, Vic, thank you.
Here, have an apple.
Cheers.
Looking after me.
Mmm! - Hello! - Hello, Julie.
Oh, I see you've got a pig in the pot.
How delish! Yes.
Now, Julie, what can I do for you? Well, now, Vic, I don't know whether this is a very good time, but, um, you see, I've got something to tell you.
Mmm? I'm pregnant.
- Ooh! - And it's yours.
- No! I don't think so! - Yes.
- No, no.
- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
No, it isn't.
It isn't.
It can't be.
Silly Billy Bremner, of course I'm not pregnant.
Look! No, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment.
I don't want him.
Ooh! Be careful! Hold him properly! You'll break his bloody neck! This is Erika, Bob's ex.
Where is he? Look, um, Julie, we've got a bit of a problem.
I'll explain everything - round at your house.
- Right, good.
Come on, Erika, we're going to get some booze for baby.
Peace at last.
Ah! It's good.
Ah, yes.
Right, where is he? Er, right, well, first of all, hello, Erika.
Lovely to meet you.
Bob's told me all about you, how you used to be the love of his life.
Where is he? And how, um, he liked to dress up like an elephant and parade around in front of you.
Oh, this is getting hot.
Vic! Vic, I can't turn it off! Vic! Erik! Erik! Vic! Vic! I'm swelling up here! Vic! Vic! Look now, Erika, I know you've come a long way from Norway, but there's been a bit of a change of plan.
- Ooh, a change of plan.
What fun.
- Hmm.
Something's happened.
Something's definitely happened.
Well, spit it out.
It's not as if he's dead, is it? Yes, that's it.
He's dead, Bob's dead! Dead?! How dare he! I'll kill him.
That was my job.
He's dead! Dead, dead! He's dead.
Oh! How did he die so young-ish? Oh, God! Oh, God, he's dead, dead, dead! I can't believe Excuse me a minute.
He's dead, dead! It was awful.
It was terrible.
- Vic? Vic? - Yes? Vic, you need to pull yourself together.
I can't! Come on, then, that's better, isn't it? - That's woken you up.
- Thank you, Julie.
OK, that's all right.
Now, calm down.
- Look, Julie, listen.
- Yes.
Bob's not really dead.
Look, we're just pretending.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Oh, that's very clever.
It's gripped me.
I'm poaching! Vic Oh! So, you say he's dead? Yes.
This all seems very, very convenient.
So tell me, how did he die, exactly? Er, it was a Saturday - Mm-hm? - It was all the Saturdays.
It was all of 'em, the bitches.
I miss missing you I would very much like to see his cadaver and put my pfennig on his eye.
I beg your pardon? You want to put what on his eye? Pfennig.
It's a German coin to give safe passage to the afterlife.
Where does he lay? He's next door in his coffin.
In his coffin! And he'll be ready for viewing in about ten minutes.
Ha-ha! Yeah.
So, you poor woman, you must be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very upset about Bob's death.
Very! I wanted to do it myself! There's a metal turtle in the kitchen, Bob! Where's the turtle spray? It's me, you moron.
I've swollen up and got trapped in the vice-like grip of this tub.
Right, hang on.
Aghhh! Shit, a metal turtle! Hold on, I'll get the spray.
Bosh, it's all right, it's Bob.
He's swollen up and bloated and trapped inside this galvanised tub.
Can you do something, please? I've got a bay leaf stuck in me crack.
There's a bailiff in his arse? You need to lift me up and shake me out.
Come on.
We need to lift him up and shake him out.
Quick, all of us.
Lift him up and shake him out.
Agh! We need a run-up.
Come on.
Come on.
Arrgh! Ooh! Scuttle, scuttle, scamper, scamper, up the wall he goes.
Over the arch, where will he rest? Nobody really knows.
Quick, get the thunder bottle, he's starting to metamorphosise.
Agh! Hey! - Yay! - Terraced housing! Thank you, lads.
No problem at all, you twat.
- I nearly mesamomorphosised then.
- Yeah, I know.
- It was really good.
- Thanks, though.
Bob, I've done something terrible.
- Really? - I've invited Erik's mam over, and she's here.
You've done what? She'll kill me, Vic, you undiluted arsehole! Oh, come on, I'm not an arsehole.
I mean, would an arsehole be able to do this? Hm, I guess not.
But it's all right, I told her you were dead.
Yeah, well, I will be if she sees me.
She hasn't got that boathook with her, has she? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Look, look, Bob, we can pull this off.
You get into that coffin that Erik gave you, pretend to be dead.
When she comes round and has a look at you, she'll think you're dead and clear off, and she'll be out of your life for ever.
It's the best scenario that could ever happen.
Do you know, I like it.
Let's do it.
Yeah! Right.
Howay, son, into the coffin.
There you go.
You've done this before.
Right, now then, I've gotta warn you, when she comes round, she wants to put her pfannig on your eye.
She wants to put what on me eye? Pfennig.
It's a German coin for good luck or something.
Oh, right.
Oh, hold on.
- Right, what's going on? - Bob's dead.
OK.
Do you want a cup of tea? No, hold on, if Bob's dead, can I have his room? No, you can't, Bosh.
Ow! Behave yourself, will you? I'm just pretending to be dead.
I'm just pretending to be dead, yeah? Erik's mum's coming round, and if she finds me here alive she'll kill me anyway.
Now behave! Look, here they are now.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you and good night.
Ah, hello! Bosh, this is Erik's mam, Erika.
Good day, you twat.
So, ladies, if you'd like to gather round, here's the lad, and as you can see, he's as dead as a doughnut.
She's killed him.
Oh, sweetheart.
My old shipmate.
You poor, poor, poor man.
What a shame.
You poor, poor, poor, poor, poor man.
Goodbye.
And good riddance.
Hm-mm, well, thank you, Erika, for those kind words.
Now, I think it's probably appropriate now for us to tell and share some of our favourite memories of Bob.
Bosh? No, there's nothing.
Come on, there must be something, something he said or did.
No, there's nothing like that at all.
Julie? Um No.
- Nothing? - No, nothing.
What about you, Vic? Well, I do remember him once saying he wanted to do a forward roll, but he never got around to it, and Oh, I've remembered something.
I remember this morning he said he was going to have a bath.
- Typical Bob.
- That's just like Bob! Typical Bob, always saying he's going to have a bath.
Just like Bob.
- Lovely memories.
- Right, well, Erika, I expect you've got a submarine to catch, so you'd better get ahead of the traffic.
Goodbye, off you go.
- Come on.
- Here's the booze.
What's this nonsense? Er, Bob's dead.
What, of a s-stroke? No! Dead? But he was only having a bath this What am I going to do without him? Bob! My life's not worth living.
Who the hell are you? You're beautiful.
The most beautiful woman I've seen outside of Africa.
You want to make love - and drink some booze? - No, Beef.
Erika's got a submarine to catch.
I'm not in a rush.
Let's have a proper trawlerman's send-off.
Give me that bottle.
Ooh, yes! Erika, you don't want to miss the tide.
Father I'm sorry I always treated you so badly.
It was just my way of showing how much I loved you.
He's gone.
He's gone.
I will learn how to face it.
He's gone.
I'd pay the devil to replace him.
He's gone.
What went wrong? Bye-bye, Father.
I'm going to miss you.
Urgh! Fifteen nails in a dead man's chest Yo-ho, the bastard's dead And push him overboard and feed him to the fish Yo-ho, the bastard's dead.
Hooray! Just get rid of her! Bob, Bob, oh, it's a brilliant party in there.
She's hilarious.
Look, look, I've brought you a bit of the icing from your birthday cake.
It's a B.
Might be for '"Bob'" or '"birthday'", I don't know.
Yeah, or '"bastard'", like in your little song.
Yeah, it might be.
Just get rid of her! Oh, do you know what? It's a bit boring out here.
I'm gonna get back to the party, if you don't mind.
I don't want to miss anything.
Just get! Did you hear the tale of the terrible man? The terrible, terrible, terrible man He wiped his arse with a frying pan Terrible, terrible, terrible man! Yes! Yes! Hey Erika, Erika, tell us another one of your filthy jokes about the Norwegian police force.
Ah, well, in a minute.
- Yay.
- Ooh! - Just going for a wee.
- Now I'm interested.
I know you're alive and I'll be back in a minute to finish you off.
Aah! Whoa! What's the eff's happened here, like? She's fallen down the effing stairs.
Did you push her? No, she fell down the effing stairs! - Did you shoot her? - Look, Vic, I don't care how far you lean over, she fell down the effing stairs.
What the hell's happened here? - She fell down the effing stairs.
- Whoa! Vampire zombie.
Oof! Will you calm down? I was just pretending to be dead so that she wouldn't kill me.
Did you bludgeon her? Hmm? No, she fell down the effing stairs.
Hmmmm? Now look, I don't care how far you all lean over, I'm telling you the truth.
All right, stand aside, I'm a paraplegic.
I'll check for a pulse.
Here, Beef, mate, I'm not sure that's the traditional way of checking for a pulse.
You might want to try the neck, mate.
All right.
Stand aside.
Back you go.
Further still.
That's sufficient.
I shall administer the kiss of life.
Mmm! Mmmm! Christ! Yes, please! Mmm! Mmm! Just what I want.
Mmm! Mmm! Oh, God! Mmm! Mmm! Mwah! She's dead.
Hey, how do you reckon we should get rid of her? Let's chop her up and stick her behind a sports centre.
Why don't we dry her out - and smoke her? - Yes.
I can take her back to my place.
She's still warm.
Martin? What do you think? '"Phone the relevant authorities and tell them everything'"? Oh, where's the fun in that, Martin, you coconut? Look seriously, she's a trawlerwoman.
We should give her the send-off that she deserves.
Thank you, Bosh.
Right, so that was me birthday, then, yeah? No presents, apart from the coffin that Erik got me.
No party, apart from the one you lot had when I was dead.
And I bet one of you had a cack in the microwave, didn't you, whilst you did it? Yeah, thought so.
Yeah, go on, get out.
I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday on me own.
Go on, get out.
- Go on, Bosh! - Yeah, all right.
I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday watching Hugh Laurie play the character House.
Hi, Hugh.
Hugh, I bet you get brilliant birthdays, don't you? Yeah, I bet your mates get you, like They dress in Caribbean outfits and have reggae music, table tennis.
Probably get a tricycle, as well, I imagine, eh, Hugh? Probably.
Did you hear the tale of the terrible man? Terrible, terrible, terrible man He wiped his arse with a frying pan - Oh, I've had enough of this! - Terrible, terrible, terrible man Terrible, terrible, terrible Right, you pack of ba Vic? Julie? Surprise! - Yay! - Whoo! - You twat.
- A tricycle! Yes! But where's Vic? It's my favourite character, Reggae Ron, - the school worker.
- War in-a Babylon Tribal war in-a Babylon Me sipple out deh - How me slide out deh - This has been my best birthday ever! Didn't we have a lovely day? A death, a birth and a burial So what happens next? Let's do a jig And present Bob with his birthday wig.
- What do you think? - Not bad.
- Racist.
- Futuristic.
Thank you!