Housebroken (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1
HONEY: Summer, 49 years ago,
Chief and I were just puppies,
playing in the backyard,
enjoying what we thought
was an innocent kerosene
and meat party.
And then came The Booms.
It was terrifying.
[whimpers]
Hair dryer during
a thunderstorm terrifying.
And suddenly, Chief was gone.
Chief!
I was worried
we'd never find him.
The trail of diarrhea
only took us so far.
[whimpering]
We thought we found him
at the toxic waste
management facility.
[shouting]
[both gasping]
But it wasn't Chief.
Just a misunderstood monster.
We finally found Chief
two days later
in an abandoned Blockbuster
slurping up videotape
like spaghetti.
And that's why I live
in dread of Boomsday.
Why do they call it Boomsday
if the booms come at night?
Nobody knows,
and it's very confusing.
We don't know the exact date,
so we have to be alert.
Do we all know
the Boomsday warning signs?
Little handheld flags.
Paper plates that
have hotdogs on them.
- Kevin wears his fun shorts.
- Radio stations breaking format
to play marching band music.
And of course
Donnie Cheadle's pool party.
Look, Honey, I get why you're
worried about Chief. He's a moron.
But I think
we can handle Boomsday.
[loud thump]
- Oh, God.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- We're all gonna die!
- The booms are coming!
- Wait, Diablo, you're not afraid?
- I'm surprisingly chill, right?
My Mom and my Dad and my Randy
are trying out all
these new sedatives on me.
The side-effects
have been brutal.
[sneezes]
[crows like rooster]
But they finally found
the perfect drug!
I feel great
and no side effects!
Ah!
Knick knack paddy whack!
Give a fish a bone.
[upbeat rock music]
[all barking musically]
♪
[all barking or meowing musically]
♪
[music crescendos]
You guys are nuts!
This is the best time of year.
My favorite beach restaurant
just reopened,
and their dumpster overfloweth
with half-eaten crab cakes.
I'm gonna jump in here before
my trauma swallows me whole.
Last weekend, I accompanied
my human on a flight.
And there was another service dog on
the plane, so I tried to talk shop.
Cool vest. You know, I didn't
see that one on the website
where my human clicked for mine.
That's because
you're wearing stolen valor!
He yelled at me
that real service dogs
have to go through hours
and hours of training,
and it's not just that they're
super special good girls
with a perfect baby face.
Please don't handle it well.
Please don't handle it well.
- I did not handle it well.
- Yes!
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die!
If I'm not a service dog,
then who am I,
and what's my purpose?
Elsa, as your therapist,
that's really not for me to say.
- What about as my friend?
- If I were your friend, I'd say
- If you were my friend?
- Oh no, what I
okay, what I meant was
that when we're in group,
- I can't be your friend
- But outside of group?
This is gonna take a while.
Tchotch, you want that rematch?
Let's go!
- Kill each other!
- Yeah!
Yeah, um, Elsa, can
I get back to you on that?
I just need to see if
Tchotchke makes a comeback.
Push her back, Tchotch!
She's got no reach!
So, Tabs, can I interest you
in a motion-sensor-activated
- floodlight-lit seafood dinner?
- Why?
I just thought
you might be hungry
- since you're on your own now.
- No, I am not on my own.
[cats meowing]
Uh-oh, looks like you're
the new Magnolia.
I do not know
what this means.
- You will.
- Can I call you Magnolia?
- Can I call her Magnolia?
- Whatever, it's a cat.
I am back home
with Brett and Stelios,
and we are dining
on grass-raised tilapia.
So I don't need your help,
or anyone's help,
and I never will.
I am a survivor.
Thank you very much.
[upbeat music]
Man, I love the beach!
It's like the park,
the world's biggest trash can,
and a pool
that tastes like pretzels!
Yeah, but the salt air
makes my hair too curly,
you always throw up,
and it still reminds me
- so much of Big Cookie.
- I do always throw up.
Come on and get there already.
Ah!
Chief, are you excited
to see Lauren, too?
The beach and Lauren?!
Who's Lauren?
She's Jill's best friend.
The one who cries all the time.
Oh, so she's like Jill's Big Cookie.
Yes, exactly,
except Lauren is still alive.
I know you've been sad
since Big Cookie died, Honey.
And I can't replace her.
Aw, thank you, Chief, that's
- Let me finish.
- Oh.
I can't replace her
until we get to the beach
and I build a new Big Cookie
out of sand!
Aw, let's get there already!
Ow!
How does it know?
[rock music]
♪
Mmm, I can already taste their
freezer-to-table fish sticks.
- [caws]
- [yelps]
Hey, scram, cat! Those
spit-covered clam nuggets are mine!
I'm not afraid of a stinking seagull.
Ooh, well, how about three
stinking seagulls?
But I would characterize myself
as more horny than stinky.
I'm horny, I'm stinky,
and then I'm also kinda hungry.
- So that's me.
- Like I'm not horny?
Shut up, we're all horny!
The point is,
there's three of us,
and we could kick or eat your ass.
[yelps]
- Lauren!
- Jilly-Bean!
- How are you?
- Remember the guy I met online
who pretended
to be Dan Aykroyd?
He broke up with me!
[crying]
Oh, her! I thought her name
was "There, there Lauren."
Female friendship is beautiful.
I miss it.
Run free, fur children!
Honey!
Honey, over here!
Hey, it's that fussy dog
from our couch sometimes!
Hey-hey!
Name, name.
- Hi, Elsa.
- Elson!
Aw, I'd love to stay and talk,
but I've got an ocean to drink.
[laughs]
Oh, new vest?
Yeah, uh, my human
calls it my beach vest.
Doubling down on the lie, I guess.
Apparently the only service
I'm good for
is making sure
she doesn't get sunburned
while she's day-drunk.
Wanna take walkies
on the beach?
[laughs]
Ah!
I'm sorry, Elsa.
I need to go lick the
sand fleas out of my butt.
- Well, you want help with that or
- No. Thank you.
Yeah, that's cool!
Yeah, I
I need to check
on my human anyway, so
- She might be dead.
- No!
- Not dead!
- Yo, Elsarita!
I am loving being at the beach
with my papa,
picking up babes to crash
my mom's boyfriend's
kerosene and meat party.
- Apparently that's a power move.
- You're his girl-bait?
It's sad how much I envy
your sense of purpose.
I know. I am making
my mark on the world!
♪
Hey, Chico.
Up here, Gray.
What's up?
You wanna come eat
some day-old
Yep, my buddy
will take care of this mess.
Thanks, pal.
It would've taken me hours
to do that.
Let's roll.
[scarfing]
- Big Cookie?
- Huh?
Oh sorry.
Oh, I had an Afghan friend,
and you're an Afghan,
so I thought maybe
But, no, she's dead.
So you're not her.
- Probably not. I'm Lil' Bunny.
- I'm Honey.
Oh, it's nice to meet you,
Honeybee.
My human and I are driving the
coast, living that ♪vanlife.
Two ladies, no rules,
thrice-daily sponsored posts
about camping equipment.
Aw, same, same.
Yeah, no, I'm cool, too, yeah.
Whoa, you're a natural, curl girl!
I am?
Chief, I'm a natural!
[laughing] "Curl girl."
What's happening?
What are we playing,
and can I play?
Can we?
Hey, gang, we got
a new disc diva in the game!
And this dog, with the dad bod.
Yeah, run it back, Honeybee!
Yeah I should warn you,
I'm gonna need a perfect throw!
Okay?
[heavy breathing]
Yeah, just one sec,
I gotta catch my breath.
[heavy breathing]
- Whoa. Cover me.
- Who are we running from?
- No questions.
- Copy.
Chief, I think I'm starting
to love the beach.
- Now, Daddy?
- Ah, not yet.
[laughs]
Who lit this for him?
[James Sanderson's "Hail to the Chief"]
There she is, she's Honey
She's havin' lots o' Frisbee fun ♪
Not a damn thing in her dog brain ♪
But plastic shinin' in the sun ♪
[both laughing]
Lil' Bunny,
I can't remember
if we've been friends
for, like, five minutes
- or all our lives, but
- Save it, Honey.
We don't need words.
We've got Frisbee.
Yeah.
Boy, I wonder where Chief is.
- Who?
- You're right. I'm sure he's fine.
Nothing can ruin this day.
[laughs]
Who's ready for a hot dog?
[dramatic music]
You're going too fast!
Just keep your eyes on the sky.
- I can cover you from here.
- But
[gasps]
Bye, tiny beach robot!
Whoa, hey, look at the size
of those sausages.
Beach, you always deliver.
[grunts]
Can I help you,
my flipperless brother?
A talking sausage?
Stop me if this is
a personal question,
but how do I eat you?
I'm not a sausage, man.
I'm a sea lion.
Uh-huh.
And and for the purposes
of this discussion,
let's just say
I don't know what that is.
We are seekers of Zen, man.
Devotees of Mother Sea
and Mother Sun.
We take naps,
and then we go swimming,
and then we nap some more.
[gasps] Of course.
It all makes sense now.
I'm a sea lion!
I'm surprised your beach
restaurant is so far from the beach.
We just gotta make
a quick stop first.
We need more cats.
What about all the cats
at your house?
[all hissing]
They were busy.
Anyway, we're gonna
need tough cats,
"weathered by life
with nothing to lose" cats.
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
Proof that cats don't always
land on their feet, am I right?
Yikes, that one looks like
if Tabitha coughed up a Tabitha.
[gasps]
This was a mistake.
Chico, let's just
Hi, would you say
you've hit rock bottom
and have nothing to lose?
Because for some reason,
we need some cats like that.
We're going to lunch by the beach.
- Uh
- Uh, forget it.
Why would this stranger cat
want to join us?
Right, oh.
Where are my manners?
Kevin raised me better than that.
I'm Chico.
[Southern accent]
And I am Magnolia,
obviously American cat
from Nashville, Mississippi!
- Howdy.
- Great to meet you, Magnolia.
How'd you get all the way
over here from the East Coast?
You know, a submarine.
Chico, let's just go
to the fish shack, you and I.
The cats here are just
too classy and beautiful.
Magnolia.
- Mmm. Oh, yeah.
- [groans]
Turn over!
[grunts]
I hate you!
You turned me into a laughingstock.
I'm done wearing this lie.
[grunting]
Little handheld flags.
Hot dogs.
Marching band music.
[dramatic music]
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Today is Boomsday!
The booms are coming!
The booms are coming!
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna frigging die!
Elsa, take a chill pill!
[laughs]
Or in my case, an Acepromazine.
Diablo, you've gotta help me
warn everyone.
Whoo, I'm a little lightheaded.
Oh, great,
my sidekick's got a sidekick.
[rock music]
Brother Easy,
all the signs are there.
- He is the chosen one.
- How can we be sure, man?
[farts]
Whoopsie.
[laughs]
- Did I fart in my sleep?
- Yes, and it was glorious.
Hmm, well,
that's a new reaction.
- Hail great gas-blower.
- Be cool.
We sea lions have
a prophecy of a God-beast
who naps like a stone,
devours everything in sight,
and flatulates
as unto a great storm!
Be our God, mighty Chief,
and let us serve you forever.
And is this generally the
kind of pace you guys keep?
No, no, no, no, no.
Dude, on the weekends,
- we really take it easy.
- Oh, I am in!
[all barking]
[all snoring]
Well, well, well.
Look who's back for a beating.
Did he say eating?
He said "beating."
I'll explain after.
- After what?
- The beating.
[all cawing]
Remember when Kevin
left the TV on loud
crash-y ball for 48 hours?
Push me at them.
- [grunts]
- Aw, crap.
Strike, I think.
Damn it, you made more of them.
[all cawing]
Aw.
[laughs]
[crying]
[both laughing]
I really needed a day like this.
Such a great reminder
to stop Fris-doing
and start Fris-beeing.
They can all be days like this.
Join me in the ♪vanlife,
and we can be best friends forever.
Honey! Honey!
We're all gonna die!
It's my greatest nightmare.
Tubular!
We'll deal with it in group
unless I run off
with my new best friend.
Check it out: slow motion.
[grunts]
Boom-Shakalaka!
Laka laka!
Laka laka!
That is pretty impressive.
But that's enough!
[grunts]
[both growling]
[whistles]
Oh, my God, fun shorts.
It's Boomsday.
That's what
we're trying to tell you!
Where's Chief?
Where is Chief?
- We haven't seen him!
- We have to find him.
That Blockbuster is a chocolate
shop now. He could die!
Okay, you guys look that way.
I'll find Jill!
Chief, Chief!
[dramatic music]
Fourth of July!
It's the Fourth of July!
How did I miss all this?
Uh, I'm starting to feel less chill.
- Okay, now.
- Huh?
No, meds! Stay with me!
Stay with me!
Uh-oh.
Jill! Jill!
[whimpering]
Jill, Jill!
Chief's missing.
[barking]
There, there, Lauren.
I'm sorry, Honey,
Mama's busy.
Why don't you find Chief?
Yeah, that's what
I was just telling you!
Oh that's right, I'm a dog.
[heavy breathing]
Chief!
We're all gonna die!
Chief!
Elsa, my medication
is tapering off!
So even though this might be
the end of the world,
let's try our best to stay calm!
Wow, those are
some monster sausages.
Aw, sausage monster!
It's Boomsday, sausages!
Get out now.
Hey, tiny sister, could
you cool it with the yelling?
We're trying to pamper
our new god here.
What's going on here?
It seems freaky and weird.
Oh, I'm a god now.
I don't have to do anything.
There's a talking sausage
for every need.
Check it out.
Feed.
Chew.
Digest.
And complete the cycle.
[burps]
Back to one.
- No, Chief, it's Boomsday.
- Boomsday?
No, no way.
Honey would've warned me.
I mean it's kinda
her top priority.
[fireworks explode]
Oh, no. The booms are here.
The booms!
[screaming]
God has commanded us
to seek shelter
in the kelpy bosom of Mother Sea.
Chief, what are you doing?
You're gonna die!
Wait, wait, wait.
Slow down.
You god needs a little help.
Hey, disciples.
Sausages?
Tiny beach robot?
[dramatic music]
Chief!
Chief!
♪
Lil' Bunny, I can't find Chief.
Help me find him.
I can't.
We're heading to Big Sur
to test out
the ♪Patagonia poochponch.
Come with us.
You'll get your own
hashtag-hashtag tag.
Huh, your waters don't run
very deep, do they?
- No.
- Honey!
- Honey!
- Chief, Chief!
Okay, stay there.
I'm coming.
[heavy breathing]
[grunting]
Chief!
[triumphant music]
I got you.
Honey, I don't want you to panic,
but it's Boomsday.
I know. I know, Chief.
Honey, come on,
the booms are getting closer.
Yeah, I'm trying, Chief.
I'm just so Fris-austed.
[all cawing]
I don't know how long
this is gonna hold them.
I'm sorry, Chico.
I guess the hunger of two cats
doesn't amount to a hill
of fish-beans
- in this crazy world.
- You mean three cats.
- Magnolia, you came!
- Not Magnolia.
Tabitha.
Come on, The Gray One, they're
two totally different cats.
Hi, Fancy Feast.
You looking for a real man?
No. I'm looking for
a mangy trash cat
who knows how to keep a secret.
Seems like you two
could use a little help.
[dramatic music]
Tabitha, this is no time
for grooming.
I'm not grooming.
I'm making ammunition.
[coughing]
♪
[gulps]
You're gonna have to do
better than that.
I am disgusting.
Look, Honey and Chief
are in danger.
[fireworks exploding]
The booms are here!
Oh, panic overload!
Brain shutting down.
Come on, Elsa,
can you be more than a dog
who just tells other dogs
they're gonna die?
Maybe we don't need
pharmaceuticals
or vests to be brave.
Maybe bravery comes from within. Mwah.
Thank you, modesty pixel.
Time to shine.
[Jimi Jamison's "I'm Always Here"]
♪
Wow, I am
an amazing swimmer.
- Hold on, I'm coming to save you!
- Elson, my friend!
Yes, it's me
coming to your rescue.
Remember every detail.
I'm doing it!
I'm saving them.
And I'm going really fast.
♪
Ooh, Elsa,
you may be a fake service dog,
but you're a real hero.
I guess it doesn't hurt to
have a bestie with a vestie.
- Did I ruin the moment?
- Not completely.
Elson, I will
never forget your
[heaving]
[upbeat music]
So much seawater.
[heaving]
[sighs] I'm sorry I got
caught up in that Fris-life
just 'cause Lil' Bunny
looked like Big Cookie
and I might be a once
in a generation talent.
Aw. That's okay.
If you hadn't done that,
I wouldn't have been able
to play God
- to those easygoing sausages.
- Huh?
[all cawing]
[hissing]
[grunts]
Uh, I'm sorry
I invited you here, Tabs.
I'm sorry I came.
It's the booms!
Let's get out of here.
Make a break for it!
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Those dirty birds have
stopped crapping on our fish.
I wish Magnolia was here
to taste these crab cakes.
[warm music]
♪
Boomsday is actually
not that scary
when you're with your friends.
I'm just happy I'm back down
to four legs again.
Chief, stay.
[moans]
I used to be a god.
And so it came to pass
that Brother Easy took issue
with the Sea Lion Elder
for the slipshod nature
of the Elder's sacred prophecies.
"Just this month,
we've worshipped a dead whale,
a floating outhouse,
and a dog too fat to swim."
And so instead of apologizing,
the Sea Lion Elder
did proclaim a holy crusade
against Brother Easy.
And thus did Brother Easy say,
"Wow, man, that sounds like
a ton of work."
And The Elder Sea Lion did
reply, "Tell me about it."
Naptime?
[snoring]