How Do You Want Me? (1998) s01e05 Episode Script
The Hidden World of Country Fire Stations
(Lisa ) It always smelt of old cheese and rubber.
âÂ" No, that was the shoe shop.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
No, Goatchers always smelt of, sort of, pears.
And wet animals.
Hello, bunnies! Do you wanna, you know, get a pizza or something? Later? All right.
Don't you just love the smell of creosote? I was always up Bramfield's barn, sniffing away.
You sniffed his barn? All the time.
I overdid it once and had to lie down in the hay.
You didn't! I bought a tin of it from Framfield's, I have to admit.
âÂ" But then I thought, ''No, this is over the top.
'' âÂ" Hello.
Oh, hi.
âÂ" I used to love smelling shoe polish.
âÂ" Oh, no.
I was addicted to that.
Did you Did you get that thing with plimsolls, where you sponge whitening stuff on and thendo it again? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The erm The ermbrown was much nicer shoe polish than the black.
Was it? Oi! You know my book? The World Of Country Fire Stations? MmâÂ"hm? Maybe the full title should be The Hidden World Of Country Fire Stations.
âÂ" Is it hidden? âÂ" No, you're right.
What about The Discreet World Of Country Fire Stations? âÂ" UhâÂ"uh.
âÂ" Not even discreet? All right.
''Country Fire Stations,'' and then underneath, ''A Book: Smoke On The Water: The World 0f Rural Fire Stations.
'' Darling, isn't it about time you stopped talking about it and actually started doing it? I am doing it.
I'm doing it.
I'm just sharing title ideas.
âÂ" I don't want to take the pill any more.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Is it the taste? âÂ" No, it's for health reasons.
You're small.
You probably only need to take a bite out of it.
I know I'm small.
I'm already on a low dosage.
Well, what else is there? Well, in Tanzania, a woman inserts a circle of bark up her.
âÂ" I'm game.
Are you? âÂ" I'll get some condoms.
No, look, I know it's your body.
And it is your body, I've seen it.
But please don't make me wear a sheath.
Why? It's what everyone else uses.
âÂ" What does the pill taste like, anyway? âÂ" Banana.
Sounds all right.
(Firemen sing Ghost Town trunelessly) Too much fighting on the dance floor! I can't get in.
Sorry.
âÂ" You've got to lift it.
âÂ" All right.
Sorry.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
Can I come in? All right, yeah.
âÂ" Gosh, isn't it big? âÂ" Very big, very big.
This is the weekly clean.
We used to pay the little Newman girl a fiver to do it, but she kept missing bits.
Mind you, there is a shitload of paintwork, as you can see.
Bruce is station commander.
John is, erma bit dull.
Phil's our driver, or rather, will be as soon as he gets his licence back.
Short extension ladder, search light, phone.
And this is the hosiery department.
So what do you guys actually call the fire engine? The fire engine.
Right, right.
I call it Dennis.
I should tell you about the book, The Hidden World Of Country Fire Stations.
You want to come out on a few calls, take some action shots.
No.
I want it to be like an art book, you know.
Or part art book and part visual chronicle.
I want to get the patina, the texture, the inherent stillness and the actualengine.
âÂ" That's bollocks.
âÂ" Oh.
Stillness? That's bollocks, Ian.
You wanna come out with us on a call and see some real shit going down.
That'll be exciting.
Mmm.
(Mimicking) Mmm! Mmmm! Exciting.
Yes, it would, it would be exciting.
See? Right, so Bleeper.
It bleeps.
When it does, you drop everything and show up here.
âÂ" (Roadrunner) # Beep, beep, that's all, folks! âÂ" Shut up, Bruce.
But it wouldn't be for anything dangerous.
No, no.
(Clucking like chickens ) Oh, look at this.
Do you remember that dreadful play we did in the barn? Dean playing the deranged highwayman.
I knew that was a mistake.
âÂ" Oh, look.
I loved this.
âÂ" Mistress Fishbourne will see you now.
Tread lightly, sweet highwayman.
That could go off at any moment.
âÂ" Does anyone want any coffee? âÂ" No, thanks.
âÂ" Oh, look! âÂ" Oh, your leather phase.
No, that was Warren, remember? He wouldn't take them off.
You don't think he's still? No, let's just not talk about it.
âÂ" Look at this.
âÂ" The play we wrote! âÂ" Look at the handwriting.
âÂ" Why does paper turn yellow? âÂ" Sure you don't want some coffee? âÂ" See that poor horse? âÂ" I'll make it.
âÂ" It pooed cos it was scared.
Never do that to animals, ever.
I would poo if I was put on a stage! âÂ" It wasn't such a great idea.
âÂ" Look here, look at your little writing.
(Ian ) This doesn't feel right.
It's rejecting me or something.
âÂ" Did you check for air in the tip? âÂ" Yes.
I don't like I don't like these things.
Take him out then.
Let's see what's happening.
Take him? Who him? How long have you called it him? All right, all right, take it out, then.
âÂ" Withdraw! âÂ" Leave the lobby? OK.
Can I call yours ''her''? Where's the rest of it? This is just its kind of plinth.
âÂ" Try another one.
âÂ" Ridiculous sheath nonsense! Don't call them sheaths.
If God had wanted us to have sex using a little rubber tube, he would have He He Well, he should have been fined if that was his intention.
âÂ" Fined? âÂ" Yeah, fined.
âÂ" Have you found it yet? âÂ" No.
It's here somewhere.
âÂ" I'll find it later.
Are you ready? âÂ" Yeah.
Oh, Helen says we shouldn't give up on the cap.
She's got some old spermicide we can have.
Oh, great! The family bucket! Do you have to discuss our sex life with third parties? Helen's not third party.
She's family.
Do you have to invite them round so much? Oh, don't.
We're all getting on so well, Ian.
You're part of the family now.
Nay! That's not so bad, is it? No, well, I've had worse.
(Bleeping) âÂ" What is that? âÂ" Oh, shit! âÂ" Bleeper, bleeper.
âÂ" What? Wait! âÂ" Ian, we can finish.
âÂ" No, no, it's burning things! Burning stuff.
Terrible! (Crew singing Steptoe And Son theme ) We stupidly forgot to mention we're one of the emergency services.
What happened, Ian? Stop off to do a bit of fishing? âÂ" Come on! âÂ" Hurry up, get in! I rushed here, actually.
(All) Ooooh! I rushed, rushed, rushed, hey! I rushed, rushed, rushed, hey! (Fire engine stereo ) # Cliff Richard: Summer Holiday We're all going on a summer holiday No more working for a week or two Fun and laughter on a summer holiday La la la la la, la la la âÂ" # La la la, la la la # âÂ" See that decorating programme last night? âÂ" What were they doing? âÂ" Painting up an old bench.
âÂ" Looked all right.
âÂ" Where are we going? âÂ" Wrinkletown.
âÂ" The House of Zimmer! âÂ" Old people's home.
âÂ" An old bone is a dry bone.
âÂ" And a dry bone is a fire waiting to happen.
âÂ" (Car horn ) Phil, keep your eyes on the road, please.
Yeah, all right.
.
.
summer holiday (Dean ) Shut up! âÂ" Ian, are we going to do these photos, then? âÂ" Yeah, OK, sure.
(Dean ) Cool.
Right.
âÂ" Action poses! âÂ" OK, everybody in.
âÂ" All right.
âÂ" Just let me sort out âÂ" Hang on.
âÂ" Do you need a hand with that? âÂ" (Lens smashing) âÂ" (Dean ) Stop, Phil! Back up.
Ian's dropped a lens.
Forget it.
I don't want a death on my conscience.
We'll get it later.
It's all right, it's a false alarm.
Fun and laughter on a la la la la la! La la, la la la la We're going where the sun shines brightly Hurry up, Ian! Yeah, bye! (Jeering and laughter) Ha ha ha ha ha! (All) # .
.
summer holiday Hurry up, Ian! Yeah, most firemen smoke.
You don't have to, butyou know.
I suppose we have a fascination for fire.
You mean you're fascinated by fire? ''We have a fascination for fire'' means that fire is fascinated by us.
What? Oh, just shut up, will you? ''We have a fascination for fire'' means the fire is fascinated by you.
You don't mean that.
No.
I don't mean that.
No.
You can't walk in without banging your head on panic buttons.
I went for a piss here once.
Called out a couple of ambulances.
âÂ" You touch me once more âÂ" Leave it out! Hey, Ian, take a picture.
So not much in the way of action yet? (Firemen scuffling) You want a bit of action? Right.
Dean, you are hurting the woman.
I'm not hurting the woman.
Take the picture.
It's fine.
She likes it.
Don't you, Arabella? Hello, bunnies! Get ready with your coil, your pessary, your circles of bark, your ribbed sheep's bladder and all that, cos the wizard of lust is home.
Get ready to receive his mighty wand.
Hello.
Warren.
Helen.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" I'm fine, Helen.
How are you? âÂ" You can throw us out if we're in the way.
âÂ" That's very kind of you.
No, that's fine, you carry on.
I'm just going to bury myself alive in the garden.
See you later.
No, Ian, please come and join us.
Come on, please.
All right.
(Suppressed giggling) âÂ" How's the photography business? âÂ" It's fine, Warren.
Thanks for asking.
I'm on a steep learning curve.
You hear a lot of that phrase, don't you? Must be American.
Framfield's sorry, Ian got rid of Sickboy Sparky.
âÂ" No! âÂ" Yeah.
I couldn't believe it.
I looked up and Neil was sawing away at his chain.
âÂ" They can't get rid of Sickboy Sparky.
âÂ" I put 50p in him only last week, you know.
âÂ" I went in the fire engine today.
âÂ" Kids kept weeing in his little charity box.
It was all rotten underneath, so I put on the helmet and the uniform and everything.
It was great.
âÂ" It's really sad, though, isn't it? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Just what the world needs.
Another lawyer.
âÂ" (Bleeping) Yes? No.
No.
Oh Too much, too young You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid when you should be having fun With mâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"e With me! Me! Me! You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid when you should be having fun With mâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"e With me! Me! Me! Ain't he cute? No, he ain't He's just another burden on the welfare state You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid (Siren wailing) (Tyres squealing) Ain't you heard of the starving millions? Ain't you heard of contraception? Ain't you heard of sterilisation? Take control of the population boom It's in your living room Keep a generation gap Try wearing a cap! I've only had a cat in a tree once in abouteight years.
I've had a cat down the back of a garage, a cat in a well.
Ha! A cat on a barn.
Have you had a cat on a hot tin roof? No.
I've had a dog on the roof of a men's outfitter's.
âÂ" Cow must have freed itself.
âÂ" Oh, they do that, do they? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Very nimble, cows.
Mmm.
How's Lise? She's good, she's fine.
Hear you're going to give Femidoms a spin.
(Lisa ) I did not tell Dean.
He must have heard it from Helen.
(Ian ) That's worse.
Our reproductive systems are in the public domain.
We might as well put up stands and sell candyfloss and hot dogs.
(Lisa ) I know what I don't like about Femidoms.
It reminds me of putting a new bin liner in the swing bin.
Right, that's it! I can't do it now.
I'm not unloading myself into a swing bin.
I'm not going back on the pill.
I didn't say anything about the pill.
Probably turn out to be infertile anyway.
I suppose you'd want to fine God if we were.
I will, yeah.
Oh, by the way, my family are coming over tomorrow evening.
I want to fine him about that, as well.
Why are they coming? Every few months, we like to try and play a board game.
I know what you should be playing.
Alienation, the hilarious new game of impenetrable references and memories.
For all the family and nobody else.
I know we're a bit intimidating en masse, but we're just like any other family.
Where the brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law beats the shit out of his brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law and the father bribes his sonâÂ"inâÂ"law to piss off? I gave him a bollocking.
That should sort it out, then.
Don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of my own friends.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Well (Lisa ) Who? (Pam ) Is anybody going to throw? âÂ" I do not look like Professor Plum.
âÂ" You do.
I've been in the ballroom so long, flares have gone in and out three times.
âÂ" Are you all right in there? âÂ" I'm fine.
You guys carry on.
(Blowing a tune ) Tequila.
(Ian laughing) With a very large axe.
Nice, dependable table.
Wood, with nails.
(Explosive laugh) You haven't got the bottle.
Oh, yes, you have! (DonkeyâÂ"like braying) You might as well go now.
(Mimicking engine revving) Forget about the rest of them, I'm coming.
The hoses are down, it's just me and a packet of wet wipes.
(Siren on ) It works! So, how's the snapping been going? It's all right.
I did think there might be a bit more excitement.
âÂ" Oh, yeah? âÂ" Yeah, like maybe a fire, something like that.
Don't worry, mate.
It'll pick up soon, I guarantee it.
Like joining the army.
All you get to see is the army.
I'd find more excitement in a library.
Oh, yeah? Well, try telling that to the dead firemen, or the firemen with the melted hands.
I'm just going to take some snaps for the book, OK? âÂ" Yeah, why don't you go and do that? âÂ" I think I will.
âÂ" Night.
âÂ" Night.
âÂ" Brilliant.
âÂ" Night, Phil.
âÂ" Door's on the latch, mate.
âÂ" All right.
No.
All the callâÂ"outs are prearranged, all to sympathetic parties.
When the guys go out, they always get a fee.
They can't not.
So when they get there, whoever it is splits the fee with the guys.
Wait.
Who are the people getting the rakeâÂ"off? Everybody.
The farmers, you know, your brother Dean, the manager of the old people's home.
They have a timetable in the fire station, so they always know.
âÂ" That's why they're always there before me.
âÂ" Sounds a good idea.
You can plan your day.
No, look, listen.
You don't get this.
This is This is SnowleGate.
This is like the hose of conspiracy and corruption has encircled the town.
âÂ" This is This is a major scam.
âÂ" What are you going to do about it? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" Nothing.
Right.
So what's theheeâÂ"ya!contraceptive situation? Erm Dunno.
What haven't we done? Oh, that coitus intee You know, that coitee thing.
You just pull out? Eruptus? Tell you what, why don't we just never have sex again, OK? OK.
Joking.
(Siren blaring) Shit.
âÂ" Check if he's still alive.
âÂ" Come on, then.
(All shouting at once ) âÂ" I'm going to undo his âÂ" Don't squash him! âÂ" We need to get him out.
âÂ" Careful! Ian, are you coming to help or are you going to piss around all day? Sorry.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Don't worry.
âÂ" Oh, shit! The ambulance is coming.
Ian, I want you to hold his arm.
Look, will everybody shut up? I want you to grab hold of the arm and on the count of three, pull.
But really softly, OK? âÂ" OK? âÂ" Yes! âÂ" Let's do it.
âÂ" Grab his arm.
âÂ" We'll have you out in a second.
âÂ" OK.
Onetwothree (Screams ) (Retching) âÂ" Morning.
âÂ" Hello.
How's about that for excitement, then? (Chuckles ) Hello, could I have the number of the Sussex Regional Fire Authority, please? Thank you.
Hello? I've got some information about Snowle Fire Service.
âÂ" I think you'll find the door was open.
âÂ" Yeah, sorry, mate.
Force of habit.
âÂ" Well, I âÂ" Shut up! The suits say they've had an anonymous complaint about a bogus callâÂ"out scam, which they're taking seriously.
Now, I had to tell them I know who the hoaxer is, and he will call up later today to explain it was all a joke.
Ha ha ha! I'm not calling anybody.
Wait a minute.
Don't! Graham Wall.
Hello.
Can I speak to Mr Graham Wall, please? Hello? Hello, Mr Wall.
This is about yesterday.
I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
Look, Ian, I'll do you a quote for the door, yeah? No, they've got a ''beep beep'' one in Penfold High Street, and it drives everyone barmy.
Current thinking's away from the classic zebra and more towards the pushâÂ"andâÂ"beep crossing.
Beep beep beep! It goes straight through you.
If we get one, I'll be serving in the shop and it'll be ''beep beep beep''.
Nightmare.
Your father and I have always favoured holding one's hand up and walking at one's own speed.
I'm sorry, I don't want to call the police, but the ancient laws of trespass are on my side.
âÂ" What? âÂ" You have to go home now.
âÂ" Ian! âÂ" I'm sorry, but that's it.
I've had enough.
My brain has capsized.
You know, cheerio, thanks very much.
Thanks, Pam, for all the recipes.
Helen, best luck with the autumn frocks.
Take a biscuit, Warren.
Any anecdotes you've left, we'll get them cleaned and sent on.
âÂ" (Helen ) Bye! âÂ" ToodleâÂ"oo.
I am sorry, but no more.
The brain reaches a point and then it whistles like a kettle.
Oh, that's all right.
I was getting bored with them anyway.
âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Darling! I was thinking.
I thought that we could try something different tonight.
Oh.
Is this a meâÂ"thing or a youâÂ"thing, or do we both get strapped in? No, no, no.
I thought we could try making love, using nothing at all, actually.
What do you think? Warren? Helen? Pam? Come back and let's play loads of Cluedo! They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real
âÂ" No, that was the shoe shop.
âÂ" Oh, yeah.
No, Goatchers always smelt of, sort of, pears.
And wet animals.
Hello, bunnies! Do you wanna, you know, get a pizza or something? Later? All right.
Don't you just love the smell of creosote? I was always up Bramfield's barn, sniffing away.
You sniffed his barn? All the time.
I overdid it once and had to lie down in the hay.
You didn't! I bought a tin of it from Framfield's, I have to admit.
âÂ" But then I thought, ''No, this is over the top.
'' âÂ" Hello.
Oh, hi.
âÂ" I used to love smelling shoe polish.
âÂ" Oh, no.
I was addicted to that.
Did you Did you get that thing with plimsolls, where you sponge whitening stuff on and thendo it again? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The erm The ermbrown was much nicer shoe polish than the black.
Was it? Oi! You know my book? The World Of Country Fire Stations? MmâÂ"hm? Maybe the full title should be The Hidden World Of Country Fire Stations.
âÂ" Is it hidden? âÂ" No, you're right.
What about The Discreet World Of Country Fire Stations? âÂ" UhâÂ"uh.
âÂ" Not even discreet? All right.
''Country Fire Stations,'' and then underneath, ''A Book: Smoke On The Water: The World 0f Rural Fire Stations.
'' Darling, isn't it about time you stopped talking about it and actually started doing it? I am doing it.
I'm doing it.
I'm just sharing title ideas.
âÂ" I don't want to take the pill any more.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Is it the taste? âÂ" No, it's for health reasons.
You're small.
You probably only need to take a bite out of it.
I know I'm small.
I'm already on a low dosage.
Well, what else is there? Well, in Tanzania, a woman inserts a circle of bark up her.
âÂ" I'm game.
Are you? âÂ" I'll get some condoms.
No, look, I know it's your body.
And it is your body, I've seen it.
But please don't make me wear a sheath.
Why? It's what everyone else uses.
âÂ" What does the pill taste like, anyway? âÂ" Banana.
Sounds all right.
(Firemen sing Ghost Town trunelessly) Too much fighting on the dance floor! I can't get in.
Sorry.
âÂ" You've got to lift it.
âÂ" All right.
Sorry.
âÂ" Hello.
âÂ" Hello.
Can I come in? All right, yeah.
âÂ" Gosh, isn't it big? âÂ" Very big, very big.
This is the weekly clean.
We used to pay the little Newman girl a fiver to do it, but she kept missing bits.
Mind you, there is a shitload of paintwork, as you can see.
Bruce is station commander.
John is, erma bit dull.
Phil's our driver, or rather, will be as soon as he gets his licence back.
Short extension ladder, search light, phone.
And this is the hosiery department.
So what do you guys actually call the fire engine? The fire engine.
Right, right.
I call it Dennis.
I should tell you about the book, The Hidden World Of Country Fire Stations.
You want to come out on a few calls, take some action shots.
No.
I want it to be like an art book, you know.
Or part art book and part visual chronicle.
I want to get the patina, the texture, the inherent stillness and the actualengine.
âÂ" That's bollocks.
âÂ" Oh.
Stillness? That's bollocks, Ian.
You wanna come out with us on a call and see some real shit going down.
That'll be exciting.
Mmm.
(Mimicking) Mmm! Mmmm! Exciting.
Yes, it would, it would be exciting.
See? Right, so Bleeper.
It bleeps.
When it does, you drop everything and show up here.
âÂ" (Roadrunner) # Beep, beep, that's all, folks! âÂ" Shut up, Bruce.
But it wouldn't be for anything dangerous.
No, no.
(Clucking like chickens ) Oh, look at this.
Do you remember that dreadful play we did in the barn? Dean playing the deranged highwayman.
I knew that was a mistake.
âÂ" Oh, look.
I loved this.
âÂ" Mistress Fishbourne will see you now.
Tread lightly, sweet highwayman.
That could go off at any moment.
âÂ" Does anyone want any coffee? âÂ" No, thanks.
âÂ" Oh, look! âÂ" Oh, your leather phase.
No, that was Warren, remember? He wouldn't take them off.
You don't think he's still? No, let's just not talk about it.
âÂ" Look at this.
âÂ" The play we wrote! âÂ" Look at the handwriting.
âÂ" Why does paper turn yellow? âÂ" Sure you don't want some coffee? âÂ" See that poor horse? âÂ" I'll make it.
âÂ" It pooed cos it was scared.
Never do that to animals, ever.
I would poo if I was put on a stage! âÂ" It wasn't such a great idea.
âÂ" Look here, look at your little writing.
(Ian ) This doesn't feel right.
It's rejecting me or something.
âÂ" Did you check for air in the tip? âÂ" Yes.
I don't like I don't like these things.
Take him out then.
Let's see what's happening.
Take him? Who him? How long have you called it him? All right, all right, take it out, then.
âÂ" Withdraw! âÂ" Leave the lobby? OK.
Can I call yours ''her''? Where's the rest of it? This is just its kind of plinth.
âÂ" Try another one.
âÂ" Ridiculous sheath nonsense! Don't call them sheaths.
If God had wanted us to have sex using a little rubber tube, he would have He He Well, he should have been fined if that was his intention.
âÂ" Fined? âÂ" Yeah, fined.
âÂ" Have you found it yet? âÂ" No.
It's here somewhere.
âÂ" I'll find it later.
Are you ready? âÂ" Yeah.
Oh, Helen says we shouldn't give up on the cap.
She's got some old spermicide we can have.
Oh, great! The family bucket! Do you have to discuss our sex life with third parties? Helen's not third party.
She's family.
Do you have to invite them round so much? Oh, don't.
We're all getting on so well, Ian.
You're part of the family now.
Nay! That's not so bad, is it? No, well, I've had worse.
(Bleeping) âÂ" What is that? âÂ" Oh, shit! âÂ" Bleeper, bleeper.
âÂ" What? Wait! âÂ" Ian, we can finish.
âÂ" No, no, it's burning things! Burning stuff.
Terrible! (Crew singing Steptoe And Son theme ) We stupidly forgot to mention we're one of the emergency services.
What happened, Ian? Stop off to do a bit of fishing? âÂ" Come on! âÂ" Hurry up, get in! I rushed here, actually.
(All) Ooooh! I rushed, rushed, rushed, hey! I rushed, rushed, rushed, hey! (Fire engine stereo ) # Cliff Richard: Summer Holiday We're all going on a summer holiday No more working for a week or two Fun and laughter on a summer holiday La la la la la, la la la âÂ" # La la la, la la la # âÂ" See that decorating programme last night? âÂ" What were they doing? âÂ" Painting up an old bench.
âÂ" Looked all right.
âÂ" Where are we going? âÂ" Wrinkletown.
âÂ" The House of Zimmer! âÂ" Old people's home.
âÂ" An old bone is a dry bone.
âÂ" And a dry bone is a fire waiting to happen.
âÂ" (Car horn ) Phil, keep your eyes on the road, please.
Yeah, all right.
.
.
summer holiday (Dean ) Shut up! âÂ" Ian, are we going to do these photos, then? âÂ" Yeah, OK, sure.
(Dean ) Cool.
Right.
âÂ" Action poses! âÂ" OK, everybody in.
âÂ" All right.
âÂ" Just let me sort out âÂ" Hang on.
âÂ" Do you need a hand with that? âÂ" (Lens smashing) âÂ" (Dean ) Stop, Phil! Back up.
Ian's dropped a lens.
Forget it.
I don't want a death on my conscience.
We'll get it later.
It's all right, it's a false alarm.
Fun and laughter on a la la la la la! La la, la la la la We're going where the sun shines brightly Hurry up, Ian! Yeah, bye! (Jeering and laughter) Ha ha ha ha ha! (All) # .
.
summer holiday Hurry up, Ian! Yeah, most firemen smoke.
You don't have to, butyou know.
I suppose we have a fascination for fire.
You mean you're fascinated by fire? ''We have a fascination for fire'' means that fire is fascinated by us.
What? Oh, just shut up, will you? ''We have a fascination for fire'' means the fire is fascinated by you.
You don't mean that.
No.
I don't mean that.
No.
You can't walk in without banging your head on panic buttons.
I went for a piss here once.
Called out a couple of ambulances.
âÂ" You touch me once more âÂ" Leave it out! Hey, Ian, take a picture.
So not much in the way of action yet? (Firemen scuffling) You want a bit of action? Right.
Dean, you are hurting the woman.
I'm not hurting the woman.
Take the picture.
It's fine.
She likes it.
Don't you, Arabella? Hello, bunnies! Get ready with your coil, your pessary, your circles of bark, your ribbed sheep's bladder and all that, cos the wizard of lust is home.
Get ready to receive his mighty wand.
Hello.
Warren.
Helen.
âÂ" How are you? âÂ" I'm fine, Helen.
How are you? âÂ" You can throw us out if we're in the way.
âÂ" That's very kind of you.
No, that's fine, you carry on.
I'm just going to bury myself alive in the garden.
See you later.
No, Ian, please come and join us.
Come on, please.
All right.
(Suppressed giggling) âÂ" How's the photography business? âÂ" It's fine, Warren.
Thanks for asking.
I'm on a steep learning curve.
You hear a lot of that phrase, don't you? Must be American.
Framfield's sorry, Ian got rid of Sickboy Sparky.
âÂ" No! âÂ" Yeah.
I couldn't believe it.
I looked up and Neil was sawing away at his chain.
âÂ" They can't get rid of Sickboy Sparky.
âÂ" I put 50p in him only last week, you know.
âÂ" I went in the fire engine today.
âÂ" Kids kept weeing in his little charity box.
It was all rotten underneath, so I put on the helmet and the uniform and everything.
It was great.
âÂ" It's really sad, though, isn't it? âÂ" Yeah.
âÂ" Just what the world needs.
Another lawyer.
âÂ" (Bleeping) Yes? No.
No.
Oh Too much, too young You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid when you should be having fun With mâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"e With me! Me! Me! You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid when you should be having fun With mâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"eâÂ"e With me! Me! Me! Ain't he cute? No, he ain't He's just another burden on the welfare state You've done too much, much too young You're married with a kid (Siren wailing) (Tyres squealing) Ain't you heard of the starving millions? Ain't you heard of contraception? Ain't you heard of sterilisation? Take control of the population boom It's in your living room Keep a generation gap Try wearing a cap! I've only had a cat in a tree once in abouteight years.
I've had a cat down the back of a garage, a cat in a well.
Ha! A cat on a barn.
Have you had a cat on a hot tin roof? No.
I've had a dog on the roof of a men's outfitter's.
âÂ" Cow must have freed itself.
âÂ" Oh, they do that, do they? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Very nimble, cows.
Mmm.
How's Lise? She's good, she's fine.
Hear you're going to give Femidoms a spin.
(Lisa ) I did not tell Dean.
He must have heard it from Helen.
(Ian ) That's worse.
Our reproductive systems are in the public domain.
We might as well put up stands and sell candyfloss and hot dogs.
(Lisa ) I know what I don't like about Femidoms.
It reminds me of putting a new bin liner in the swing bin.
Right, that's it! I can't do it now.
I'm not unloading myself into a swing bin.
I'm not going back on the pill.
I didn't say anything about the pill.
Probably turn out to be infertile anyway.
I suppose you'd want to fine God if we were.
I will, yeah.
Oh, by the way, my family are coming over tomorrow evening.
I want to fine him about that, as well.
Why are they coming? Every few months, we like to try and play a board game.
I know what you should be playing.
Alienation, the hilarious new game of impenetrable references and memories.
For all the family and nobody else.
I know we're a bit intimidating en masse, but we're just like any other family.
Where the brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law beats the shit out of his brotherâÂ"inâÂ"law and the father bribes his sonâÂ"inâÂ"law to piss off? I gave him a bollocking.
That should sort it out, then.
Don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of my own friends.
âÂ" Who? âÂ" Well (Lisa ) Who? (Pam ) Is anybody going to throw? âÂ" I do not look like Professor Plum.
âÂ" You do.
I've been in the ballroom so long, flares have gone in and out three times.
âÂ" Are you all right in there? âÂ" I'm fine.
You guys carry on.
(Blowing a tune ) Tequila.
(Ian laughing) With a very large axe.
Nice, dependable table.
Wood, with nails.
(Explosive laugh) You haven't got the bottle.
Oh, yes, you have! (DonkeyâÂ"like braying) You might as well go now.
(Mimicking engine revving) Forget about the rest of them, I'm coming.
The hoses are down, it's just me and a packet of wet wipes.
(Siren on ) It works! So, how's the snapping been going? It's all right.
I did think there might be a bit more excitement.
âÂ" Oh, yeah? âÂ" Yeah, like maybe a fire, something like that.
Don't worry, mate.
It'll pick up soon, I guarantee it.
Like joining the army.
All you get to see is the army.
I'd find more excitement in a library.
Oh, yeah? Well, try telling that to the dead firemen, or the firemen with the melted hands.
I'm just going to take some snaps for the book, OK? âÂ" Yeah, why don't you go and do that? âÂ" I think I will.
âÂ" Night.
âÂ" Night.
âÂ" Brilliant.
âÂ" Night, Phil.
âÂ" Door's on the latch, mate.
âÂ" All right.
No.
All the callâÂ"outs are prearranged, all to sympathetic parties.
When the guys go out, they always get a fee.
They can't not.
So when they get there, whoever it is splits the fee with the guys.
Wait.
Who are the people getting the rakeâÂ"off? Everybody.
The farmers, you know, your brother Dean, the manager of the old people's home.
They have a timetable in the fire station, so they always know.
âÂ" That's why they're always there before me.
âÂ" Sounds a good idea.
You can plan your day.
No, look, listen.
You don't get this.
This is This is SnowleGate.
This is like the hose of conspiracy and corruption has encircled the town.
âÂ" This is This is a major scam.
âÂ" What are you going to do about it? âÂ" Nothing.
âÂ" Nothing.
Right.
So what's theheeâÂ"ya!contraceptive situation? Erm Dunno.
What haven't we done? Oh, that coitus intee You know, that coitee thing.
You just pull out? Eruptus? Tell you what, why don't we just never have sex again, OK? OK.
Joking.
(Siren blaring) Shit.
âÂ" Check if he's still alive.
âÂ" Come on, then.
(All shouting at once ) âÂ" I'm going to undo his âÂ" Don't squash him! âÂ" We need to get him out.
âÂ" Careful! Ian, are you coming to help or are you going to piss around all day? Sorry.
âÂ" Right.
âÂ" OK.
âÂ" Don't worry.
âÂ" Oh, shit! The ambulance is coming.
Ian, I want you to hold his arm.
Look, will everybody shut up? I want you to grab hold of the arm and on the count of three, pull.
But really softly, OK? âÂ" OK? âÂ" Yes! âÂ" Let's do it.
âÂ" Grab his arm.
âÂ" We'll have you out in a second.
âÂ" OK.
Onetwothree (Screams ) (Retching) âÂ" Morning.
âÂ" Hello.
How's about that for excitement, then? (Chuckles ) Hello, could I have the number of the Sussex Regional Fire Authority, please? Thank you.
Hello? I've got some information about Snowle Fire Service.
âÂ" I think you'll find the door was open.
âÂ" Yeah, sorry, mate.
Force of habit.
âÂ" Well, I âÂ" Shut up! The suits say they've had an anonymous complaint about a bogus callâÂ"out scam, which they're taking seriously.
Now, I had to tell them I know who the hoaxer is, and he will call up later today to explain it was all a joke.
Ha ha ha! I'm not calling anybody.
Wait a minute.
Don't! Graham Wall.
Hello.
Can I speak to Mr Graham Wall, please? Hello? Hello, Mr Wall.
This is about yesterday.
I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
Look, Ian, I'll do you a quote for the door, yeah? No, they've got a ''beep beep'' one in Penfold High Street, and it drives everyone barmy.
Current thinking's away from the classic zebra and more towards the pushâÂ"andâÂ"beep crossing.
Beep beep beep! It goes straight through you.
If we get one, I'll be serving in the shop and it'll be ''beep beep beep''.
Nightmare.
Your father and I have always favoured holding one's hand up and walking at one's own speed.
I'm sorry, I don't want to call the police, but the ancient laws of trespass are on my side.
âÂ" What? âÂ" You have to go home now.
âÂ" Ian! âÂ" I'm sorry, but that's it.
I've had enough.
My brain has capsized.
You know, cheerio, thanks very much.
Thanks, Pam, for all the recipes.
Helen, best luck with the autumn frocks.
Take a biscuit, Warren.
Any anecdotes you've left, we'll get them cleaned and sent on.
âÂ" (Helen ) Bye! âÂ" ToodleâÂ"oo.
I am sorry, but no more.
The brain reaches a point and then it whistles like a kettle.
Oh, that's all right.
I was getting bored with them anyway.
âÂ" Good.
âÂ" Darling! I was thinking.
I thought that we could try something different tonight.
Oh.
Is this a meâÂ"thing or a youâÂ"thing, or do we both get strapped in? No, no, no.
I thought we could try making love, using nothing at all, actually.
What do you think? Warren? Helen? Pam? Come back and let's play loads of Cluedo! They can paint the blackest picture of you They can hate everything that you do They can crush you under heel But nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real Nothing will change the way I feel Love's the only thing that's real