How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s01e05 Episode Script

So I was just sitting around, enjoying having the house to myself, when the doorbell rang.
I should've known it was gonna be bad news.
Friends don't just turn up, not in this day and age.
You call ahead first, or send a text.
Um, I'm not interested in buying a little girl today.
Thank you.
Are you Mr Danbury? - Yeah.
Oh, I mean, it depends.
Shit.
I should've just said "depends" first.
I've been sent because you haven't paid your council tax.
Oh.
Well, thanks for reminding me.
I don't think you understand.
I'm a bailiff.
Please don't hurt me.
Please Andsleep.
When you awake, you'll have absolutely no idea what you're doing here.
Oh, and later in the week, you'll tell your family you're gay.
Wake! What am I doing here? That should more than cover it.
This is just a piece of paper with the Queen's head drawn on.
No, no.
That's 70 British pounds.
Surely we could work something out.
You like? Right, then, let's see what you got.
I always thought bailiffs were a myth.
So, who are you, then? That's my dad.
I'm on school holidays, so I thought I'd come along, see what he gets up to at work.
What, like bring-your-daughter-to-work day? Right, then.
This seems to be the only thing worth taking.
What? No, no, no.
No, not the telly.
Please, not the telly.
The telly's my only real friend.
Please! Please, no.
No! Treacle, grab that, an' all.
Not the telly, please.
Please, no! Please, not the telly.
In the news today, two men and a prostitute were found dead in a postbox.
Click.
- G'day mate.
Did you hear about Sheila? She found out she's a Siamese twin Click.
Hello, and welcome to Loose Women.
Click, click, click.
Sorry, Don, am I not any good? It's just not the real thing.
You don't make a very convincing Loose Women presenter.
It's the wig, isn't it? It was your nan's.
You don't have that air of "men are scum", like they do.
And also, I quite like jerking the little Don when they're on.
I've seen far stranger things at the elderly centre, so I wouldn't be uncomfortable.
- YeahI would! Oh.
Hey, you two.
Hi.
What's going on? Eddie's trying to replace the television.
I'm not as good as the real thing, though.
And Don's not comfortable masturbating in front me.
So, what happened to the actual television? Oh, the bailiff took it.
It's not funny, Menford.
That TV was like a brother to me.
Why does everything I love leave me? Karl, you were thinking of buying me a new television, weren't you? I was? - Maybe now's the time.
Er, Don? - Yes, Eddie.
Shouldn't you think about getting a new job? No.
You know, you can actually go to prison for not paying your taxes.
Prison? Really? I could get you a job at the elderly centre, helping me shower the old folk, brush their teeth.
I would rather give Karl a blowie than wash a geriatric.
Well, you've got to do something, Don.
- But I don't want to.
I like sitting around all day.
You know, just watching television and reading.
Reading! Yes, Karl, I read.
I'm halfway through this at the moment.
It's great.
Don't tell me how it ends.
Karl, couldn't you get Don an interview with your dad's company? What? - What? You said they were looking for someone to fill your old position.
Yes, but not a - What is it you do again? I'm not sure about this, babe.
A property developer.
Ugh! Urgh, estate agent! No, Don.
Property developer, yeah? We specialise in homes abroad.
Abby, I really don't think What, you get to go on free holidays? - Yes.
Sometimes.
Abby - OK, count me in.
Get me that interview.
I like the sound of it.
- Excellent.
Awthank you, babe.
Who wants a cup of tea? - Oh, I'll help you.
If I do this for you, you'll owe me - Click.
I'm being serious.
This - Click.
This isn't even funny.
- Click.
I hadn't had a job interview in ages.
I'm not particularly qualified for anything, so I always rely on my charm and wits.
You don't seem to have a lot of experience.
But that's not necessarily a problem.
So, tell us a bit about yourself.
Do you know how annoying your voice is? All I can hear is, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
" Whhhooof! Oooh, sorry about that.
Bit nervous.
Have I got it? Have I? No, I haven't.
Tell me.
Have I got it? Tell me if I've got the job! Any questions? - Yes.
Umdo you bleach your moustache? # From '98 to '99 I worked in a bank # From '99 to '03 I was a rent boy # Now, obviously, they're the things you shouldn't do.
But once I'd worked that out, I knew exactly what I should say.
So, tell us a bit about yourself.
I'm ambitious, I'm hungry.
I will screw over anyone.
Any mother-lover gets in my way, I pound them into the dirt! And I'm a team player.
Yeah? I thought I would have won them over with phrases like "team player" but they hated me.
Come back here.
Glen Menford.
- Ow! I own this company.
Hence the name.
Ow.
- You must be my son's friend.
Well, we're "friends", I guess, yeah.
I like what you did there, with the friends, inverted commas, joke thing.
You did really bad in there.
Well, I dunno - You lied in there, Danbury.
You proved yourself to be deceitful, dishonest, cunning and insincere.
Four qualities I like in a man.
Hmm? Let's walk and talk.
It gives the staff something to watch.
You were one of the worst interviewees we've ever had in that room.
But I saw something the others didn't.
Really? What? Raw talent, Danbury.
Untapped, unearthed, un-nurtured.
Thanks! You know, I've always said to people, "You just don't see it - look a little deeper.
"No, deeper than that.
"No, a bit deeper.
"A little bit deeper? There, that's it.
" But then, they're always gone by the time I say, "There, that's it.
" And that hurts, right? Nah, to be honest, I'm beyond caring now.
Bingo! If only there were more men in the world like you, Danbury, willing to risk anyone ever liking them, just so they can get a bit further ahead in life.
Well, I - It's not gonna be plain sailoring.
You need some training.
You need tutoring.
You need someone to help strip away all the many, many faults that you have.
But I am prepared to be that someone.
Hell, I haven't had a protege since Dwight Pocock died.
What do you say, kid? You wanna jump on board this vessel? Yeah, all right.
Afternoon, Dickhead.
Hello? Hello.
Nan? Dickhead! I'm behind Jesus.
Why is there a hole in the wall? Oh, this? Your grandmother couldn't afford to get it fixed, so she just covered it up.
- Why didn't you get it covered, then? But it's on her side.
- What? There's someone here who wants to talk with you.
If it's your husband, I'd rather not.
Since the stroke, it's hard to understand what he's saying.
Mr Danbury.
Mr Bitchman.
What are you doing in Mrs Treacher's house? I've been trying to get hold of you.
But you fail to answer my phone calls, day in, day out, or respond to my messages.
Yeah, get the hint! You're like a woman scorned.
No, Mr Danbury, I'm a solicitor scorned.
So you try and get this hint.
We haven't had any payments on the house in weeks.
We WILL have you evicted if you don't settle your payments by Friday.
Understood? Yeah, that's not really a hint, is it? More a direct threat.
Indeed.
Well, for your information, Mr Bitchman, I have just landed myself a job, so I will have your money.
OK? Good day.
Dickhead.
Who'd have thought I'd actually enjoy saying, "I've gota job "? Sohow did it go? Well, the interview was a complete car crash.
Better luck next time, eh, Don? - But he gave me the job.
I did try and warn you What? That's excellent! You're looking at Glen Menford's latest prote-gay.
But he hasn't had a PROTEGE since Dwight Pocock died.
Well, I'm gonna go to bed cos I've got to be up early for my new job.
Ugh Oh, yeah, that's why I hated working.
Oh, well.
Better get stuck in, make a good impression.
Oi! I'm the new guy.
Right, you, go get me a tall, decaf, skinny frappa-mocha-chocaccino! Now, you slut! Yeah, yeah.
No, I've just arrived, actually, yeah.
God, no, they all look like complete knobs.
Hey, everyone.
Hi, hi.
I'm the new guy.
Now, I will come over and say hello to you all individually, but right now, I need to take a shit.
Hi, I'm the new guy.
Is there anywhere I could put this? There he is.
Mr Menford.
So, how are you feeling on your first day? Yeah, pretty good.
- Advice? Yeah, I'll give you some advice, tiger.
Always listen to your balls.
I already do that.
I actually do that! I knew I recognised something in you.
It's weird.
All my life, women have said, "You think with your dick.
" But I don't.
I think with my balls.
I meanI swear by them.
Great.
Listen, I'd love to sit all day and talk about our balls, but we've both got work to get on with.
- Yeah.
So, er, well, Suzy's asked me to call the investors of the Tenerife project.
Pfff! Suck my prick, she's thrown you in at the deep end.
The Tenerife project, it's like a hooker I regularly visit.
Lots of awkward chit-chat which ends up with me getting screwed in the arse.
Dad - Ssh! That's what they think they're investing in.
Nice.
This is what the project currently looks like.
Ooh.
Describe it.
- Well, it's disgusting.
No, no.
Don't use this.
Use the balls.
OK.
Well It's paradise.
It's a beautiful dream home for holidaymakers, retired couples and families alike.
The locals, they're very friendly.
And there's fish in thesea.
Excellent.
That's excellent, Danbury.
Yeah, except for the fish bit.
But, yeah, you're gonna be just fine.
Right, get cracking! Ow! Ssh! Turns outlying and being deceitful was something I'm pretty good at.
Turns outlying and being deceitful was something I'm pretty good at.
You'll transfer the money straight away? Brilliant, you will not regret this.
OK.
Goodbye.
Whoo! So in conclusion, that's why we should all think about water sports.
So I said, "How do you like them balls?" All I'm saying, Dad, is I'm surprised you took him onis all.
What are you saying, you silly bitch? You recommended him.
You should be happy.
I'm pleased you did.
Well, yes, I know, but Look, Dad, if you really wanted a new protege so badly, you could have looked a little closer to home.
What, Tania the housemaid? No, she'd be useless in this field.
I'm much better off letting her clean the detritus off my sheets.
Go on, get lost.
I've got work to do.
Ah, Don, you man tart.
Erbusy later? Fancy doing something ball-related? What do your parents do, Danbury? - They don't do anything.
I thought as much.
Their laziness has been a terrible influence on you these many years.
No, no, Glen, I mean they're dead.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Don.
I'll fist my mouth later.
When did they pop their clogs? When I was born.
They died during childbirth.
What, both of them? Yeah.
There, that's it.
You know, I never really met my parents, either, Danbury.
Really? - No.
I just popped out of my mother's vagina, screaming like a baby.
No handshake.
No, "Hello.
I'm Glen, your son.
"Let's hope this works out.
" Nothing! I'm ashamed.
I think a strong handshake is the only way to meet another human.
Especially your parents.
Don't you, Danbury? Yes, Mr Menford.
Hey, enough of this horse crap shit.
You can call me Glen.
- Yes, Glen.
I can't stress it enough, Danbury.
Check them daily.
I will, yeah.
Thanks, Glen.
You know, Glen, sometimes I just can't believe Karl's your son.
- Me neither.
He's an embarrassment.
- Yeah.
I sometimes wonder if he's even mine, or whether my ex betrayed me with the paperboy.
Yeah, or maybe she slept with a panda.
You know, cos - Watch it, Danbury! That is my son you are talking about! Sorry.
He may be a ridiculous example of man, but I still love him.
I just wish he would step up to the plate sometimes.
Squirt some more H2O on the coals, will you, son? And so things were looking good on my 40-inch telly bought by Karl.
Don? Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
Don.
I don't mean to be annoying but have you been paid yet? - Yes.
You ARE going to settle the house payments, aren't you? Yes.
But probably next month.
I've spent most of this month's wages.
Don! On stuff I need, Eddie.
What stuff? One of the rarest cigars in the world.
A reusable diamond-studded sheath.
For a better-looking penis.
One samurai sword.
You know, in case of burglars.
Diddle-iddle-ing.
What are those for? A DeLorean.
Yeah.
Got it outside.
We could play Back To The Future.
Bagsy I'm Biff.
What's that? The world's smallest digital camera.
Yeah, state of the art.
It's your dad.
If it isn't the Glenminator! I'm good, yeah.
I'm just watching television with your son and Abby.
Glen! You can't say that about your son's chick.
I don't care what you'd like to do to her, it's wrong.
What? Saturday? Oh, nothing.
Yeah, sure, yeah.
All right, then.
OK, I'll see you later.
I tell you, your old man is such a character.
He's taking me out on the boat this weekend.
You're going fishing? - Yeah.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, I know.
What a pain in the batty, eh? Get up at 6am on a Saturday! Oh, well.
Could be fun, I guess.
I just don't get it.
Tizer! Remember to eat tonight, Glen.
Come.
Hey! You wanted to see me? Come here.
Enjoy the boat at the weekend, did you? Yeah.
I can't believe YOU caught a shark, and wrestled with it.
Listen, you won't tell anyone it was actually a dolphin, will you? People don't mind a grown man punching a shark in the face, but when it comes to dolphins, it's, "Ooh! "Save the dolphins.
Save the dolphins!" Chh-chh! I know.
Hey, do you fancy a wrestle? Oh, right Good one Imagine us two wrestling! Morning, Suzy.
- Morning, Karl.
Help me! He never does that with me.
Oh, that was awesome.
I need you to do something for me.
What? We've got a very important presentation coming up.
We have to show the Tenerife investors where we're at with it all.
It's gonna be tricky.
The whole thing's a mess, building work isn't finished and we've got environmentalists, or as I like to call them, "mentalists", protesting at the site.
Apparently, we're killing off a rare breed of local "turtle".
Er, what are we looking at, Glen? Your future.
Now, I was going to give this presentation to my son, Karl Menford.
But it's a big one, so frankly, I would rather French kiss him.
- Ugh.
It's yours.
- Really? I don't want you pulling a Dwight Pocock.
When you get up in front of those people, promise me you won't freeze.
Promise me you won't pull a Pocock and die.
Oh, right, Pocock died on stage.
He's not DEAD deaddead? God, no! But he's dead in the balls.
- Ooh! And that's where it counts the most.
So? Glen I'm your man.
Right.
OK, one more wrestle before lunch, eh? Oh! Do we have to? No, Glen! What are you doing? No, please, Glen.
No! Ahhh! Ahh! After wrestling with the father, I then had to tackle the son.
After wrestling with the father, I then had to tackle the son.
All right? So I hear a rumour you'll be doing the Tenerife presentation.
That's not a rumour, my friend.
That's the truth.
Oh, right.
Right.
Bit awkward, this - I should be doing it, you know? It was meant to be me.
Bit more awkward.
Still, things couldn't be better with Abby.
I mean, I've got that, I suppose.
Really? - Yeah.
It's a bit madcap, but things between us are probably the best since when we got together.
I realised I'd hardly seen Abby.
But I was loving this new lifestyle.
Were the two mutually exclusive? Ooh, that's not a flattering image, is it? Of Karl.
Abigail! Come in! Entrez! What's going on? - You like? I got it installed this morning.
Don, this is so extravagant.
Thank you very much.
I can't find it.
What do you mean, you can't find it? It's there! - I can't see it.
You don't need to see it.
You just use your hands.
I've lost my lighter.
It's in there somewhere.
Don, are you happy? ErI've got a Jacuzzi in my bedroom.
I'm insane with happiness.
Why? Well, Karl's really upset about his dad asking you to do this presentation thingy.
He should learn to be a bit more like his old man, then.
You can't just pretend to be someone that you're not.
Try telling that to Dustin Hoffman.
Where is Karl? He's downstairs.
I think he's a bit depressed.
It's strange, but all of this has brought us closer together.
Really? Yes.
I much prefer Karl when he's not trying to prove something - when he's being less like his dad.
I know you two don't always see eye to eye, Don, but he's a good guy, really.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just a sucker for the underdog.
Hey! Oh, hi, Abby.
You wanna jump in? No, thanks, Eddie.
I've not got a costume.
That's OK.
Neither have we.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think speeches should be like lovers - short, penetrative and Eastern European.
But I don't speak Polish.
So I'm gonna cut to the chase and introduce you to the young buck who is gonna tell you everything you need to know about your beautiful Tenerife homes.
He's a great kid.
He's like a son to me.
Don Danbury, everyone.
Thank you, thanks.
Thanks, Glen.
So So we, er Things couldn't be better with Abby.
I've got that, I suppose.
Oh, I dunno, I guess I'm just a sucker for the underdog.
Don't forget to wash under your foreskin.
Oh, no.
Please, no.
Oh, Christ! He's pulled a Pocock.
What is it with me and young men? I always push it into them too soon and too hard.
Dad Yes, Don? I mean, Karl.
I'll do it.
- What? Hey, Don.
- Huh? Thanks, Don.
So, "Where's my money going?" I hear you ask.
Well, I can answer that question for you with one word.
Paradise! You've worked hard.
You deserve your place in the sun! And when you see our business plans, your hearts will melt.
Thank you.
To begin with I can't believe you froze.
That's a disaster.
Yeah, but I didn't actually freeze, did I? I threw it on purpose.
What? Why? Whoo! You'll see.
Do-nald.
Karl.
- Shame about earlier.
I guess it takes a certain type to stand up in front of all those people.
Karl! I don't think now's the time, is it? That's all right, Abby.
Don't be surprised if Dad sends you a ball wreath.
Now, there's no need for that.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
And I'm sorry you lost your job.
But you know, Dad can't have another Pocock on the team.
Karl! - Yes? Why don't you go upstairs and I'll make us a cup of tea.
Oh Right.
See you misfits later.
Boo! Poor you.
You must feel awful.
I do.
- Oh, come here.
You know, I'm really pleased for Karl.
But I do hope that this doesn't turn him into a prize cock.
Probably will.
So I might have lost that job, but I had more important things, like Abby, and my 40-inch telly.
Oh, you again.
Come in.
There's a TV in the living room.