How to with John Wilson (2020) s01e05 Episode Script

1
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN WILSON: Hey, New York.
There's nothing
like a relaxing meal
at the end of a long day.
And if you want to eat
with other people,
you usually find yourself
at a restaurant.
The combination of eating
and socializing
can be absolute ecstasy.
But when the bill
finally arrives,
what should be
a simple transaction
often turns
into a torturous calculation
based on who ate what
and how they should pay for it.
We like to pretend
everything's fine
once the bill is settled.
But someone
is always quietly suffering,
knowing that
they had to pay too much.
And they wonder if it all
could have been avoided.
But I figured someone
out there had a solution.
So I went on an expedition
to figure out
if anybody knows the right way
to split the check.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
JOHN: Figuring out
what we owe each other
is one of the most
challenging parts
of living in a healthy society.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
When you get into a car crash,
there's a debt
that has to be settled,
and we can't be trusted
to figure it out on our own.
Nobody likes to admit
that they're at fault
when confronted
with a massive bill,
and even if you agree
to split it evenly,
someone might still end up
feeling like a sucker.
This is why we have
certain authorities
that tell us who owes what.
But when it comes
to group dining,
there's no one to turn to.
And everyone is expected
to already know
how to figure things out fairly.
People usually don't want to
make a big deal
over a couple of bucks,
but over time,
these tiny injustices can add up
and create long-term resentment.
In a perfect world,
we would all order the same dish
and everyone would know
how much to pay.
But the nature of group dining
is frenzied and disorderly.
And there are
way too many factors
to keep track of what everyone
should pay when the check comes.
Here's a familiar scenario.
(JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You get all dolled up to go out.
And then you call a friend
to make plans for dinner.
At first, it's, uh,
just the two of you,
but then he invites his friend,
and that friend
invites another friend.
And before you know it,
you've completely lost count
of how many people
you've agreed to eat with.
Somebody always invites
that one friend
that nobody wants there,
but he usually
just keeps to himself.
Someone begins the meal
by ordering some soup dumplings
for the table,
even though you didn't want any.
And an order of tofu
for the vegetarians.
And someone else
gets a basket of shrimp.
The drunks will start
ordering booze.
And even though
you're trying to be frugal,
all you can do is quietly panic
as you watch your friends
run up a massive tab.
You order the smallest entree
on the menu,
hoping to start a trend.
But that doesn't stop
everyone else from going big.
Other people might only want
to eat organic food,
which can be very expensive.
And one of your friends
might even have the nerve
to return their entree
to the kitchen,
which may eliminate their meal
from the grand total.
And then someone might come
to the meal really late,
and they just start to pick
at everyone else's food.
And then someone else
actually has to leave early
and asks someone
to cover for them.
And at this point,
it's impossible to tell,
uh, who consumed what,
but nobody seems to care.
And when the waiter finally
puts down the check,
the guy who ordered four beers
declares that you should
all split it evenly.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
When you work up the courage
to look at the bill,
you find yourself wondering
how it's costing you 30 bucks
for a pierogi and a seltzer.
And you feel intense regret
for agreeing to an equal split.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And you begin to wonder why
it always turns out this way.
Are you not ordering enough?
Or is everyone else
trying to swindle you?
Maybe the people
who ate more stuff
could throw in a little extra.
But why is it always impolite
to ask people for money
that they owe you?
And you start thinking about
that cab ride you
you didn't take from the airport
because you were trying
to save money.
And you begin to resent
your friends for their greed.
And you enter
a dissociative fugue
as you yearn for the day
when you can finally escape
this vessel you call a body.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
Until you finally snap out of it
and throw your friend a dollar.
(TRIUMPHANT NOTE PLAYS) ♪
For weeks, I observed
people in restaurants,
trying to see if there was
a fair way to split the check
that I hadn't thought of before.
But what I discovered is that,
without some kind
of authority figure to look to,
the dining experience
becomes a game
of winners and losers.
And only the savviest diners,
uh,
know how to avoid overpaying.
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Some people
will stand their ground
and refuse to pay a penny more
than the exact amount
of what they ate
of what they owe.
Uh, being this anal
could initiate
a much more exhausting audit
of exactly
how much each person ingested,
and inevitably cost you friends.
Others will look
for their wallet
for an abnormally
long amount of time,
in the hopes that they can
get out of paying entirely.
This is a crafty maneuver
because it gives
your dining partner
the time and opportunity
to object to any contribution
that you're pretending to make.
They'll also say that, uh,
you don't owe them anything.
Because your friendship
is precious.
But a seasoned pro
will go to great lengths
to avoid ever revealing
their wallet at all.
This involves
filling your pockets
with several decoys, uh,
to prolong the illusion
of an authentic wallet hunt.
But this strategy's popularity
is also its weakness,
as many will recognize this bit
of theater you're putting on
and wait it out,
uh, forcing you
to eventually chip in.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
But I found
that professionals have
a much more sophisticated way
of paying less for dinner.
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Professionals love
to write things off
for tax purposes,
giving them
an economic advantage
over everybody else.
But telling someone that
you're about to expense dinner
is the perfect way to suck
the romance out of any meal.
It seems like
it strains relationships
once money is involved.
And there's something about
the four walls of a restaurant
that puts our ideas
of fairness on full display.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
But it was my birthday recently,
and a bunch of friends
took me out
to a nice Italian restaurant,
and it was actually very fun.
We got some wine
and a, uh, few appetizers,
and I ordered
the chicken alfredo.
At one point, I got excited
because the waitress started
walking a cupcake towards me
with a candle in it,
but, uh, it turned out to be
for someone else's
birthday dinner.
GROUP: (SINGING)
Happy birthday to you ♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
JOHN: All my friends
thought it was funny.
I didn't think
it was so funny, though.
It's never clear
if the birthday boy should pay,
so I kept my mouth shut.
But when the waiter
brought the check over,
one of my friends put everything
onto a single card
and everyone else paid him
on their phones.
At first,
I felt proud of my friends
for making it seem
so effortless.
But then I realized
the person who paid
had actually used
a business debit card,
which means that he could
actually profit off the meal
after he files his taxes.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Why were they using
my party as a way to make money?
They were trying to squeeze
every last drop
out of my special night.
I felt sick.
It seemed like more
of a business opportunity
to these people
than an historic milestone.
There they were,
flashing their cards,
hoping to get points.
I was an expense.
And I started to think about
what other precious memories
of mine
were secretly an expense
for someone else.
Did someone write off
those fireworks that we enjoyed?
Or that funny night
at the movies?
Did someone write off
the gift card they gave me
for the foot
uh, the fish thing?
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Maybe I'd been going
about this the wrong way.
I've been in perfect harmony
with the IRS my whole life
while everyone else
was discovering ways
to cheat the system.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Maybe it was time for me
to grow up
and start looking for
financial loopholes of my own.
So I met up with an accountant
to figure out once and for all,
uh, what was for business
and what was for pleasure.
But he was in between offices
at the time,
and he asked me
to rent a workspace for him
so that he could look
like a professional.
Uh, so I did.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
If I film a dinner
with friends, uh
could I write it off?
That's pretty cool. Um
I think it's not
a 100 percent yes,
but I probably would say,
"Yes, why not?"
Your occupation
is you're a filmmaker.
You told me moments ago
that you make documentaries.
You make documentaries
of whatever you feel
is right and good,
so if your documentary
is about you hanging out
with your friend,
and then you're going to try
to possibly upload that
on your social media
for the sake of attracting,
you know, channels like HBO
to to knock on your door,
then why not?
I view it as a
as, like, a marketing
or promotion type of expense.
JOHN: What about if I
If I film myself
buying Listerine?
Uh, could I
Could I write that off?
That's pretty cool. Um
If you can justify it
with good faith,
then I believe
it's a business expense.
JOHN:
This sounded like a great idea.
So,
with my accountant's blessing,
I was now able to write off
all the stuff
that I just normally
spend money on.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
All I had to do was
film a few seconds
of every single thing
that I did,
and it all magically turned
into a business expense.
Just like that.
And if the IRS
wanted to audit me,
they would have to look through
all my footage,
every single shot.
And you'd better believe
that there's a lot
a whole lot more
where this came from.
(MUSIC ENDS) ♪
I wondered what else
I could write off.
Oh, wow.
How much does something
like this cost?
JEWELER:
Thirty-five thousand dollar.
JOHN: What
what would this do for me?
It's a great deal.
JOHN: I always wanted
a neon sign,
so I went by this place
down the street from me
to see if they might have
any ready-mades I could buy.
The guy in there
was really friendly,
but when I told him about
my plan to abuse the tax system,
he got very upset
and started lecturing me
about income inequality.
If I was, um, you know,
a millionaire making millions
I would understand
that my money's gotta go.
"I'm I'm
I'm doing a little better,
so maybe I gotta pay
a little more. Gee!"
You know, you gotta fucking pay.
Because everybody's
gotta live better.
Everybody.
JOHN: He kind of took
the wind out of my sails,
but I told him that I still
wanted to buy something.
I made it for a lady.
Apparently,
she didn't pay her taxes,
'cause she never came back
for it.
(GROANS)
Ta-da!
JOHN: Oh, wow.
Da-da-da! (LAUGHS)
You know,
that's a nice blue glow.
You put that in your bedroom,
you know, you turn it on
at the right moment.
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: I started
to feel really selfish.
Maybe I hadn't thought
through the consequences
of a scheme like this.
And I was ruining the mood
for everybody else.
Was I the guy at the table
who was eating the most
but paying the least?
Or are we all this selfish
when we think
we can get away with it?
If everyone paid as little tax
as possible,
who would collect the trash?
Or keep the trains
running on time?
And if nobody
paid their taxes
who would tell
the crossing guards to cross?
Even if we had rules
for splitting the check
there will probably
always be someone
who finds a loophole
and ruins it for everyone else.
And maybe looking for
a fair solution was hopeless.
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
I was walking around
my neighborhood recently,
and I noticed
that there was a place
called the Referee Store.
I wasn't really sure
what they sold,
but I figured maybe there
was something small in there
that I could write off.
Supposedly, it's the only
ref store in New York City,
and they had more whistles
than I ever could've dreamed of.
This one's called
the Sonik Blast.
It's really high pitched.
We also have Fuziuns.
Fuziun just means
a combination of two whistles.
Cushion mouth grip,
just to protect anyone
who likes to bite down
on the tips of the whistle.
We have a Fingergrip Classic,
more of a mellow sounding.
Volleyball, handball,
football and soccer.
JOHN: How much is this one?
REF STORE EMPLOYEE:
This one goes for about 52.95.
JOHN: This is a funny shape
for a whistle. So
So, how many referees are there
in New York?
So, if I'm going about
eight million people
in about New York,
I would say
about 250,000 referees.
-JOHN: 250,000?
-Yes.
-JOHN: In New York?
-There are a lot more referees
out there
than you actually think.
JOHN: The city was crawling
with refs, and I had no idea.
If anyone knew about fairness,
it had to be one
of these people.
Maybe the answer was in here.
Uh, is there a place I can go
where referees hang out
if I want to meet one of them?
I mean, on the weekend,
you'd probably go
just to a local field or park.
-JOHN: Does he wanna get in?
-Who's that?
JOHN: Are you
Are you a referee?
JOHN: Hi.
JOHN: Do you ever go out to eat
with other referee friends?
Uh
JOHN: Oh, really?
JOHN: You're gonna have
a referee dinner party?
JOHN: Where do you
Where do you have it?
(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
JOHN: This could be it.
A dinner made up
entirely of referees.
As far as I knew,
an all-referee dinner
had never been captured on film.
Maybe this could act as a guide
for the rest of us,
and future generations
would use it as a bible
for how we ought to behave.
If there are 8.6 million people
in New York,
that makes roughly 3 percent
of them referees.
Any one of these people
could be a ref.
Hiding in plain sight.
Why don't they
just reveal themselves?
They could settle any number
of disputes
about check splitting
or taxation.
If only we could know
who they are.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
The dinner was happening
at a VFW hall in Long Island.
And I got permission to attend.
I even dressed up
for the occasion.
Even though
when I got there, uh
I realized that nobody else, uh,
there had dressed like a ref.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Someone even told me
that I was dressed up
for the wrong sport
because these were
all soccer refs,
and I was dressed like
a basketball ref.
As I had hoped,
everyone was extremely punctual
and showed up right on time.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
At the beginning of the dinner,
they were, uh, selling tickets
for a raffle for the refs.
A reffle.
And they were reffling off
a big screen TV.
And there were a bunch
of high rollers.
The dinner was buffet style,
which seemed like
the perfect choice
for such a fair minded,
orderly brunch.
All of the food was presented
at perfect right angles.
And every single piece of ziti
was evenly sauced.
This was about to be
a masterclass
in considerate dining,
and I had a front-row seat.
-(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
-All right, guys.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, let's have seat.
Let's have a seat.
Come on, guys.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
All right. All right. All right.
All right, guys,
we gotta get going.
There we go. Let's go.
All right, come on, come on,
guys, guys, oh!
Guys, guys, guys!
Come on!
Guys! Oh!
Guys!
Well, come on!
Yo! Yo! Come on, man!
Stop. It's embarrassing
to have some, uh,
people are in this room
that are watching us,
and we're acting like kids.
Stop it right now.
(STAMMERS) If you
you don't We
If we don't finish the
the meeting,
we are not gonna serve any food.
So it's up to you.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
REFEREE 1: Food first!
Food first! Then the meeting.
JOHN: When everyone
finally settled down,
the first 15 minutes or so
of the event
was devoted
to berating the referees
for not following the rules.
First of all, the reports
have to be on time.
Uh, next,
it's your responsibility
to get paid before the game.
If you don't get paid,
we are not gonna be able
to help you.
You are on your own.
JOHN: It seemed like things
were off to a rocky start,
but maybe
they were all just hungry.
At least the line
for the buffet was orderly,
except for maybe one or two
people that, uh, cut the line,
but I assume they, uh,
that they had a good reason.
While the elders ate in silence,
I thought it was
a good opportunity to learn
the code that the refs lived by,
but all they seemed to wanna do
was complain
about the association.
Are You're still waiting
on payment from somebody?
JOHN: What happened?
JOHN: Wait. Who didn't pay you?
REFEREE 2:
(LAUGHS)
REFEREE 2:
JOHN: You're waiting
on a payment, too?
JOHN: It seemed like
the refs felt so cheated
that they started
seeking payback
however they could.
Some stuff to go?
-I get my money's worth.
-JOHN: Yeah.
You have to get
your money's worth.
JOHN: People were packing up
multiple containers of food
before they even finished
their first.
Others even started taking
as many soda cans
as they could possibly
as they could fit into a bag,
because they wanted to bleed
this party for all it was worth.
Maybe this wasn't gonna be
the model of fairness
I was looking for after all.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The one glimmer of hope
that the refs had
was the prospect
of winning a television.
SHERMAN: This is the big one!
This is the big one!
Fifty-inch TV!
ASSOCIATION MEMBER: Final prize!
JOHN: But before
the winning ticket was revealed,
the refs were treated
to one final indignity.
ASSOCIATION MEMBER:
Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!
-Time out.
-Before we raffle this,
make sure all the garbage
is off in the garbage can.
Let's do that now
before we raffle it,
because then you guys are gonna
run out of here
and everybody else cleans.
JOHN: I was stunned to learn
that the refs
could not even be trusted
to clean up after themselves
unless they were bribed
with a flatscreen TV.
ORGANIZER: Don't leave anything
on the table or on the floor!
We're not here to clean up,
please.
JOHN: After the room
was deemed clean enough
and the winner
was finally announced
Five-nine-four.
SHERMAN: Five-nine-four!
RAFFLE ANNOUNCER:
Five-nine-four!
-SHERMAN: Five-nine-four!
-(CROWD GROANING)
JOHN:
The room erupted into chaos
when everyone discovered,
uh, the prize was going to
a high-ranking affiliate
of the association.
-The refs started booing
-Boo!
JOHN: because they suspected
the draw had been rigged.
People started yelling fraud.
-Fraud!
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
JOHN: But unfortunately,
the allegations only seemed
to arouse him.
Petty theft
increased dramatically.
And when a gold-plated whistle
was awarded to the guy
who had been yelling
at everyone the whole night,
it seemed to be the
the final straw.
PRIZE GIVER: Smile for camera.
Smile for the camera.
Camera's over here.
Smile for the camera.
-Smile for that camera.
-(LAUGHS)
Smile for that camera.
JOHN: And everyone left
almost instantly, as predicted.
But as people were filing out,
the guy that won the golden
whistle seemed very upset.
It appeared
that his golden whistle
was actually stolen straight,
uh, from the display case.
It It was stolen.
His golden whistle was stolen.
He was really hoping
that it was a joke,
but after about a half an hour,
it didn't seem like
it was gonna be
reappearing anytime soon.
So I left the ref dinner
with a heavy heart.
I guess I was wrong in assuming
that refs would be less flawed
than the rest of us.
And if that's the case,
then what hope do we have
to act with any civility
when we're out with our friends?
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
Stealing from anybody
never feels nice,
but maybe people feel like
they need to steal
because
they're not getting support
from the places
they need it the most.
(HOPEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
A lack of fairness at the top
can create chaos at the bottom
and causes some people to cheat.
But it's kind of hard
to blame them
for taking advantage
when they feel
completely invisible
to everyone else.
Because at the end of the day,
we're all getting
kind of a raw deal.
And if we don't figure out
how to support each other,
then we're all cooked.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
This is Ref Wilson.
Thanks for watching.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(WHISTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
JOHN WILSON:
Then you take the broth
and pour it in a ladle
at a time.
And while you're waiting
for that,
you try to say hello
to your landlord
who's gardening outside.
'Ello, Mama!
This should take
around 15 minutes.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪