Hullraisers (2022) s01e05 Episode Script
Breadcakes
1
Hi. It's Toni Callahan.
I auditioned for an advert last week
and I've still not
heard anything back.
PHONE: What role?
Working Mum Three.
Ah, you weren't successful,
I'm afraid.
You weren't the vibe that we wanted.
What, I don't have the vibe
of a working mum?
Thanks for chasing up.
Er, sorry. Wait.
C-Can I just say that I AM a mum?
And so if I got the part,
I'd be a working mum.
Would you like to audition
for Job-Seeker Two instead?
Yeah, all right.
SHE SIGHS
This program me contains strong
language and adult humour.
♫ Toni-I-ight
♫ All right, all right
♫ Give me strength ♫
Whack, whack, whack, whack. Ooh!
There she is, queen of the tombola.
Mwah! Are we gonna smash 500 quid
this Saturday? I'll be making 'em
all dig deep, don't you worry.
Can't bloody wait, me.
Oh, Lisa! Mwah! Getting jiggy
on the bouncy castle, eh?
That is gonna rake in some serious
coinage for the school coffers,
you know? Grace, are you?
Right, OK.
Oh, you must be Grace's mum.
The one
who doesn't answer the group chat.
Hm?
You're, er, Tommy's dad
Yeah aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I haven't seen Jodie in a while.
Yeah, she's running
a breathing workshop in Goa.
Have you ever tried it?
HE INHALES DEEPLY
No, never tried breathing.
I've never tried breathing.
You're an actress, right? Mm. Yeah?
Much work in Hull?
Yeah. They love to keep me busy.
Cos Grace says you just sit
on the sofa all day.
What? Did she say that?
They say all sorts, kids,
don't they? Oh.
You know,
it was funny the other day.
Tommy said to me
I was a rock-star dad.
Yeah, and a multi-location
burger-bar-business owner.
Wow! He said He said all of that?
Multi Multi-location
Mummy, I'm hungry. OK. You know,
it's a shame you're too busy
to help with the school fair, Toni.
The kiddies, they love it
when the parents step up.
I don't want to ask
a gendered question, but
how are your baked goods?
Cos you know what I wanna do is,
I wanna make this cake stall
something epic, right?
So hit me with some specialities
you've got in the kitchen.
Mm!
Bread cakes.
Not immediately seeing the appeal.
Well, that's cos you haven't tried
MY bread cakes, yeah?
Yeah, try Yeah, please try it.
Mm.
Mm. Is there anything you can't do,
Toni?
Hey, so, how about three dozen
of these fantastic bread cakes
for the school fair?
Yes. Yes, absolutely. Sign me up.
Hm?
MUSIC: I Don't Want To Talk
by Wallows
Craig.
Craig.
CRAIG!
Get us a fizzy water.
Rana, do you think a play list
this intricate just happens?
Yeah, if you put it on shuffle.
You're not up the duff, are you,
Rana?
I've not seen you order water
since you were 14.
No, I'm eating clean,
trying to rid my body of toxins.
Not gonna want one of these
delicious sausage rolls, then,
are you?
TONI SIGHS
Is Nima here?
What do you want Nima for?
Oh, it's Grace's new bezzie, Tommy.
His dad's in charge of this
class group chat.
Told you not to get involved
in those! I haven't.
But I have told them
I'll make three dozen bread cakes
for the school fair.
TONI SIGHS
You can't even make toast.
I miss toast.
Yeah, well,
this guy's a rock-star dad
and a multi-location
burger-bar-business owner, so
And he thinks I can't contribute.
You can't - you're useless.
Is this the PTA? Yeah, why?
No good comes from joining the PTA.
Craig, it's just some parents
and teachers, associating.
Listen, I've been in those meetings,
right? Parents get weird.
It's like a cult.
SHE CHUCKLES
Are the PTA gonna come and get me?
Watch your back, Craig.
They're after you!
Fucking hell!
It'll all end in tears.
Here. I've just warmed them
in the oven.
Get 'em whilst they're hot, kids.
Oh, and don't be putting
any butter on them.
They're to be eaten as God intended.
Ah, Nima, Nima.
Look how Look how nice she looks.
Her breadcakes'll bring
all the boys to the yard.
Mm-mm-mm. What are you after?
Er She's after your bread cakes.
She's got herself in the shit and
wants us to bail her out, as usual.
Rana! Sorry.
It's my blood-sugar levels.
I've given up white carbs,
booze and sex.
Sex! I give it three days.
Oh, that's nice,
coming from my brother.
He's right - you'll be
running your leg up the postman.
And now me mam.
What have you done that for?
You've never held back on
a single thing in your whole life.
Cos I got left for dust by a
22-year-old
at a fitness trial at work.
Well, you ARE 34.
What an awful thing to say to me.
You ARE, though.
I will not stay here
and be insulted.
Oh, my God!
Nima, I need that bread cake recipe
for the school fair.
Oh, I can't, Toni.
It's a secret recipe
passed down from me mam.
It's bad luck to tell.
Please. Please, Nima.
Look, it's for the kiddies.
I'm sorry, love. You'll just
have to tell 'em you can't do it.
SHE SIGHS
Here, Paula Mm?
There's summat I need you to see.
What is it? Brace yourself, love,
cos you're not gonna like it.
It's Ash.
SHE GASPS
79 views?
79 people have seen
my baby girl's business end?
SHE GASPS
Paula.
Paula. Paula, don't.
Don't. Don't have a go.
ASHLEY!
Come here.
WOMAN ON VIDEO: Well done, guys,
you're looking good.
What is that?
I'm taking a pole-dancing class
at the gym. It's for fitness.
It's for slags.
You don't get it, Mam.
When I do a double attitude
vine and spin, I feel free.
I'm all for you feeling free,
my darling,
as long as you do it with your
bloody legs closed. My fault -
should've kept you off that pole.
I failed you.
It's that bloody Instagram thing,
isn't it, that's put you up to this?
Actually, it was Rana's idea.
Oi!
You put my baby girl on the pole.
I'm interval training.
You've got 30 seconds.
She still eats Cheese strings,
you know.
Oh, mate, the chicks have
reclaimed pole dancing.
It's about fitness now.
She's right. Debbie says it builds
strength and control.
The hot pants are just an extra.
Mm. She'll be able to crush a grown
man's head between her thighs.
Wouldn't that have been useful
growing up? No.
I'll crush 'em for her.
Debbie, is it, yeah?
Queen of the slags?
Don't say that. Debbie's my hero.
She's sending you
down the road to ruin!
30 seconds are up.
I'm gonna sort this out.
She'll be swinging from the pole
after I've finished with her!
ASHLEY! Can I train with you
for a bit, Rana?
If you must.
Wicked! But I WILL crush you.
Move it!
MUSIC: Pony
by Ginuwine
Good. Nice.
Good, good. Point them toes.
Come on, bit more body strength.
Come on, up.
Good, good. That's it. Come on.
That's it. That's it. Excuse me!
I need to have a word with you
about how you do business.
Yes, love?
Hm. Well, you've got good shoulders.
You've got lovely arms, too. What?
For this. I should know.
I've been doing it long enough.
SHE MUTTERS
Gone white as a sheet. What's up?
I don't know. Are you scared?
No. A little bit. Don't worry.
Right, class, let's get on with it.
What's your name? Paula.
Hi, Paula. You all right?
Right, ladies.
Let's get this fair smashed, eh?
Here, start the tombola,
loosen the pockets.
Then they jump over to
the toy stall.
Now, that's just some marked-up tat
from my contacts
at the BMM warehouse.
Then, slap bang in the middle here,
we've got the cake stall.
The lovely Lisa over here has
pledged ten - ten -
lemon drizzles. Give it up.
THEY EXCLAIM
We're clapping!
Toni
tell me you are on track
to smash these bread cakes.
I would love to put a big tick
in your box.
Yeah. Er,, right, the thing is,
though,
I know I promised 36 bread cakes
Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d
Press the pause button there.
Are you saying you can't do this?
There are gonna be
some very disappointed kiddies.
I knew this would happen.
It's a lot to take on, Tone.
Don't worry.
Do you need me to step up, Jay?
No, no, no. No.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
What I'm saying is, is
Is 36 enough?
C-Can I do more?
Oh, I am loving the way
your mind works.
I tell you what,
why don't we make it an even 100?
Yes please.
That's what I was gonna suggest.
100 bread cakes.
OTHERS EXCLAIM
Yes. Yes.
Absolute baking legend, in my eyes.
You smashed it again, Jay.
Yeah, well,
it's not all over yet, is it?
We need a show stopper to blow
the bloody doors off this fair, hm?
Give me some ideas, ladies. Ideas.
Think, think, think.
My Dave could demo his power saw.
Er, no such thing as a shit idea,
yeah?
Next, anybody?
SHE GASPS
My mate can bring a police car down
and do a display,
let all the kiddies fiddle.
Not f I mean, fiddle
She can put the siren on!
Yes, we have a winner, team.
Love the way your mind works, team.
Brilliant.
Are you sure you can handle this?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, I'm gonna smash it.
Is it burning?
Is it meant to?
Yeah.
Are you being serious?
Sorry, do you want one?
No. I'm eating like Chris Hemsworth.
It's the caveman diet.
What's that, then?
Makes you want to club everyone over
the head cos you miss carbs SO MUCH.
What did Debbie say, then?
I've decided that you can carry on
with the lessons. Oh, mint!
Thanks, Mam.
Oh, God!
Not on social media, though. Deal.
I've got to tell Luke.
Hey, hey. Take these bloody things.
Come on. Chop-chop.
So, why the change of heart?
I appreciated
Debbie's point of view.
You called her a slag
last time I saw you.
In fact, queen of the slags.
I know, but I was wrong.
I've seen the light, Rana.
Debbie's an artist.
Why you got so many eggs?
MUSIC: Buttons
by the Pussycat Dolls
I can't stop
thinking about the pole.
It's like it's in me blood.
You're a natural, love.
Am I? I felt so weird, you know,
cos I was only really very good
at putting mats away in PE.
You're strong.
I keep telling you
but you don't believe me.
Now, come on. Give us a hook spin.
OK.
SHE SIGHS
Yeah.
You could be as good as them,
you know. Yeah.
Come to my advanced class on Friday.
OK.
What?
Are we buying a knock-off telly?
Doesn't look like much,
but Big Barry bakes
the best bread cakes in Hull.
You said they were passed down
from your mother.
Oh, she were crap at baking an' all.
She used to say, "Get your hair done
and your tits on show.
"And get your husband's mam
to cook for you."
Now, get in there
and pass 'em off as your own.
Welcome to living a lie.
So, now I'm living a lie?
Yeah, enjoy it, in't it?
Hey, and, Toni,
don't you dare tell Rana.
All right. Careful, now.
He's got magic in his hands
but violence in his soul.
Hiya, mate.
Can I have 100 bread cakes, please?
They have to be for personal use.
Oh, yeah, they are.
I really like bread cakes.
You're not gonna pass 'em off
as your own, are you?
Not a chance.
No, I'm gonna freeze 'em, obviously.
And eat one a day.
Cos you know, a bread cake a day
hip-hip, hooray.
SHE PANTS
Oh, God!
37 minutes.
How are you not gasping?
Four minutes slower than me.
Oh, this health kick is
really killing me.
I thought you were sailing through -
you're so pleasant.
Wanna rip everyone's head off and
shit in their neck. Will someone
force-feed her a Twix, please?
Sorry, sorry.
I just need to get this time trial
out of the way.
I've got you a distraction.
I've signed you up
to the school fair,
said you'd bring the police car
down
A load of screaming kids
in my motor? No sodding way.
That'll send me right over the edge,
Toni. It's for a good cause, Rana.
Hey, save it.
I'm immune to guilt trips.
Hm,
there is ONE chink in your arm our.
Grace
Will you help us, Auntie Wa-Wa?
You did not just do that.
SHE FEIGNS SOBBING
♫ Senorita, there's a look
in your eye. ♫
I finished your bread cakes, Toni.
100, freshly baked.
Bloody hell, Mam. 100?!
Least I could do.
And it's for t'kiddies, in't it?
It's for the kitties, Rana.
"It's for the kiddies!"
What do you say?
SHE GRUNTS
She got 14 million
new followers on TikTok,
just cos she smeared
peanut butter on a cat,
which is animal cruelty.
So I said to Luke, "Look at this.
It's animal cruelty."
And he looked at it and he said,
"Yeah, it's animal cruelty."
Ashley, love, what time's class?
Oh, it's not for ages.
Get there early? Do a warm-up.
Oh, Debbie says I don't need them.
Thing is, love -
and don't take this the wrong way -
I can't stand you.
Have I done something wrong?
It's not you - it's your youth.
It makes me feel like shit. Why?
Because I'm not extremely young
any more and right now,
I can't handle anyone who is.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm naturally
fit. Don't be.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Cos it won't.
SHE GRUNTS
MUSIC: Work It
by Missy Elliott
DEBBIE: And that, ladies,
is how it's done.
Shown you up again?
No, you were mint, Mam.
Oh, thanks.
Bloody natural!
This is my daughter. Yeah.
It's taking you a bit of time to get
the hang of it, isn't it?
Yeah, I did think
that she was a bit young. She is.
But I teach little 'uns just to hop
round it like a maypole. You what?!
I'll see you soon, Paula.
Yeah, you will.
I think I fancy her.
Shoot me now.
What if I get a pole in my room
for us to practise on?
Yeah, that could work.
Big gussets only, though,
just in case Jake walks in.
Deal! Now I just need to work out
how to tell your dad.
Oh, I took care of that. Videoed
your dance and sent it to him.
MUSIC: Young
by Jaded
♫ Sipping on that Coke and rum
♫ Wake up in the mornin'
Gotta brush my tongue and
♫ Ring the alarm and run, run, run
I said, run, run, run
♫ Yeah, run, run, run
We can have fun
♫ We can mess up
♫ Party 24/7
Don't give a what
♫ We can splash out
♫ We can throw it up
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
Cos we're young. ♫
Handcrafted bread-cakes!
Fresh from my oven!
50p each, three for £1.
Fresh bread cakes!
How's it going, girls?
Oh, I am raking in the dough.
The bairns are going barmy
for my barms. Love it!
You can ping me your figures, yeah?
Yeah, er, Paula, Paula,
can you action that, Paula?
She's my numbers bod.
Yeah, all right, Deborah Meaden!
You keep it up.
I'm smashing this fair.
Paula. What?
Don't embarrass me in front of Joe.
You're lucky I'm here. Shut it.
Time out, kiddies. Come on.
Hello. Hiya, darling.
Hey, look what Mam's doing,
running an artisan bakery business.
We don't know what that means,
do we? No.
We're gonna get our face painted.
Yeah, Craig, the point is,
it's an undeniable success.
And it hasn't all ended in tears.
Fair's not over yet, mate.
HORN HONKS
SIREN WAILS
MESSAGES OVER RADIO
Get that out my car!
Oh, my
SIREN BLARES
We're on a real ROLL now.
Oh, enough with the baking puns,
Toni.
Well, I think I might have
a calling, you know, for baking.
I mean, I've got a gift.
A gift for what?
You didn't bake 'em!
Being an artisan baker
is 90% attitude.
The bread is the easy bit.
Yeah, tell that to HIM.
Sh! Why is he here?
What have you done, Toni?
How many you after, love?
How many?
These are mine and you're passing
them off as your own.
Now you're toast. No, I'm not!
It's for the kiddies.
You should have
thought of that before.
This is mine!
THEY ARGUE
You monster!
No-one steals from Big Barry.
Get off!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,
sir.
This
is a kiddies' fair.
Smash him, Jay!
Are you gonna make me?
No.
No, I, er
I don't I don't want any trouble.
Just
Leave him alone, you
You need a good slapping!
THEY ARGUE
Don't you touch my sister!
Don't you dare hit her!
They're mine, you slapper.
CRAIG: Stay away from my woman!
THEY GASP
Bloody hell, Craig!
That's why you don't join the PTA.
The cakes are all mine.
Hello.
Hi, Mummy.
GRACE GIGGLES
Kick time!
That got out of hand, didn't it?
No, you leave me alone.
You've ruined everything.
It was only a fair.
I wanted to smash it.
And now that is all
anyone will remember.
And my burger business
has gone belly up.
You couldn't shift burgers in Hull?
Yeah. I know.
I'm a loser.
Hey, come on. I can't talk.
I'm 34 and my best role to date
was as a sexy kebab,
outside Hessle Grill, you know.
And I do spend
a lot of time on the sofa.
Jodie isn't in Goa.
She's in Goole with
a personal trainer, Reika.
SHE SIGHS
Why didn't you just come clean
and tell me you couldn't bake?
SHE TUTS
Hm. I don't know.
I just wanted Grace
to be proud of me.
Yeah, well, I wanted Tommy
to be proud of me, and
Come on. He is!
That was a great fair.
Until I ruined I did ruin it.
Is Is this gonna happen?
You and me?
No.
That's not happening.
And I'm not gonna tell Craig
that you did that.
Mm.
Grace. Do you want to help me make
an audition tape?
Yeah! You gonna be the director?
Yeah. Come on, then.
I'm gonna be the director.
Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy.
MUSIC: Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff
and the Fresh Prince
What happened to Tommy?
Oh, he's off with his dad.
Jay ditched the PTA
to spend more time with him.
Good for him.
Oh! Where have you been?
The school, at a PTA meeting.
Mums have elected me president.
You hate the PTA.
Listen, can't get in the way
of democracy, Toni.
I'm gonna reform it from
the inside out, like a new broom.
SHE MOUTHS
Well, that sounds like a lot of
work. Meh. I'm gonna smash it.
Right. Great. See ya.
See you in a bit.
Craig's joined a cult.
You'll never hear
the end of that now. Brilliant.
Hey, er, how was your time trial?
Beat the 22-year-old
by .2 of a second.
Oh, so your detox paid off, then?
Nah, I took a different tack.
PHONE RINGS
Did a bit of sexual sabotage
the night before.
Knackered him out.
Hi, Toni Callahan.
PAULA CHUCKLES
Yeah. Yeah.
OK, thank you. Cheers, bye.
Oh, my God, I got
I got the part!
THEY GASP
No way! Got the part!
Buzzing! Job-Seeker Two.
Grace! Grace, darling.
Mam got the part.
Well done, Mam.
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, they said my desperation
was believable.
Really believable, apparently. Mm.
I'm saying nothing.
♫ We can have fun
We can mess up
♫ Party 24/7
♫ Don't give a what
♫ We can splash out
♫ We can throw it up
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever
that we want cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young ♫
Hi. It's Toni Callahan.
I auditioned for an advert last week
and I've still not
heard anything back.
PHONE: What role?
Working Mum Three.
Ah, you weren't successful,
I'm afraid.
You weren't the vibe that we wanted.
What, I don't have the vibe
of a working mum?
Thanks for chasing up.
Er, sorry. Wait.
C-Can I just say that I AM a mum?
And so if I got the part,
I'd be a working mum.
Would you like to audition
for Job-Seeker Two instead?
Yeah, all right.
SHE SIGHS
This program me contains strong
language and adult humour.
♫ Toni-I-ight
♫ All right, all right
♫ Give me strength ♫
Whack, whack, whack, whack. Ooh!
There she is, queen of the tombola.
Mwah! Are we gonna smash 500 quid
this Saturday? I'll be making 'em
all dig deep, don't you worry.
Can't bloody wait, me.
Oh, Lisa! Mwah! Getting jiggy
on the bouncy castle, eh?
That is gonna rake in some serious
coinage for the school coffers,
you know? Grace, are you?
Right, OK.
Oh, you must be Grace's mum.
The one
who doesn't answer the group chat.
Hm?
You're, er, Tommy's dad
Yeah aren't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I haven't seen Jodie in a while.
Yeah, she's running
a breathing workshop in Goa.
Have you ever tried it?
HE INHALES DEEPLY
No, never tried breathing.
I've never tried breathing.
You're an actress, right? Mm. Yeah?
Much work in Hull?
Yeah. They love to keep me busy.
Cos Grace says you just sit
on the sofa all day.
What? Did she say that?
They say all sorts, kids,
don't they? Oh.
You know,
it was funny the other day.
Tommy said to me
I was a rock-star dad.
Yeah, and a multi-location
burger-bar-business owner.
Wow! He said He said all of that?
Multi Multi-location
Mummy, I'm hungry. OK. You know,
it's a shame you're too busy
to help with the school fair, Toni.
The kiddies, they love it
when the parents step up.
I don't want to ask
a gendered question, but
how are your baked goods?
Cos you know what I wanna do is,
I wanna make this cake stall
something epic, right?
So hit me with some specialities
you've got in the kitchen.
Mm!
Bread cakes.
Not immediately seeing the appeal.
Well, that's cos you haven't tried
MY bread cakes, yeah?
Yeah, try Yeah, please try it.
Mm.
Mm. Is there anything you can't do,
Toni?
Hey, so, how about three dozen
of these fantastic bread cakes
for the school fair?
Yes. Yes, absolutely. Sign me up.
Hm?
MUSIC: I Don't Want To Talk
by Wallows
Craig.
Craig.
CRAIG!
Get us a fizzy water.
Rana, do you think a play list
this intricate just happens?
Yeah, if you put it on shuffle.
You're not up the duff, are you,
Rana?
I've not seen you order water
since you were 14.
No, I'm eating clean,
trying to rid my body of toxins.
Not gonna want one of these
delicious sausage rolls, then,
are you?
TONI SIGHS
Is Nima here?
What do you want Nima for?
Oh, it's Grace's new bezzie, Tommy.
His dad's in charge of this
class group chat.
Told you not to get involved
in those! I haven't.
But I have told them
I'll make three dozen bread cakes
for the school fair.
TONI SIGHS
You can't even make toast.
I miss toast.
Yeah, well,
this guy's a rock-star dad
and a multi-location
burger-bar-business owner, so
And he thinks I can't contribute.
You can't - you're useless.
Is this the PTA? Yeah, why?
No good comes from joining the PTA.
Craig, it's just some parents
and teachers, associating.
Listen, I've been in those meetings,
right? Parents get weird.
It's like a cult.
SHE CHUCKLES
Are the PTA gonna come and get me?
Watch your back, Craig.
They're after you!
Fucking hell!
It'll all end in tears.
Here. I've just warmed them
in the oven.
Get 'em whilst they're hot, kids.
Oh, and don't be putting
any butter on them.
They're to be eaten as God intended.
Ah, Nima, Nima.
Look how Look how nice she looks.
Her breadcakes'll bring
all the boys to the yard.
Mm-mm-mm. What are you after?
Er She's after your bread cakes.
She's got herself in the shit and
wants us to bail her out, as usual.
Rana! Sorry.
It's my blood-sugar levels.
I've given up white carbs,
booze and sex.
Sex! I give it three days.
Oh, that's nice,
coming from my brother.
He's right - you'll be
running your leg up the postman.
And now me mam.
What have you done that for?
You've never held back on
a single thing in your whole life.
Cos I got left for dust by a
22-year-old
at a fitness trial at work.
Well, you ARE 34.
What an awful thing to say to me.
You ARE, though.
I will not stay here
and be insulted.
Oh, my God!
Nima, I need that bread cake recipe
for the school fair.
Oh, I can't, Toni.
It's a secret recipe
passed down from me mam.
It's bad luck to tell.
Please. Please, Nima.
Look, it's for the kiddies.
I'm sorry, love. You'll just
have to tell 'em you can't do it.
SHE SIGHS
Here, Paula Mm?
There's summat I need you to see.
What is it? Brace yourself, love,
cos you're not gonna like it.
It's Ash.
SHE GASPS
79 views?
79 people have seen
my baby girl's business end?
SHE GASPS
Paula.
Paula. Paula, don't.
Don't. Don't have a go.
ASHLEY!
Come here.
WOMAN ON VIDEO: Well done, guys,
you're looking good.
What is that?
I'm taking a pole-dancing class
at the gym. It's for fitness.
It's for slags.
You don't get it, Mam.
When I do a double attitude
vine and spin, I feel free.
I'm all for you feeling free,
my darling,
as long as you do it with your
bloody legs closed. My fault -
should've kept you off that pole.
I failed you.
It's that bloody Instagram thing,
isn't it, that's put you up to this?
Actually, it was Rana's idea.
Oi!
You put my baby girl on the pole.
I'm interval training.
You've got 30 seconds.
She still eats Cheese strings,
you know.
Oh, mate, the chicks have
reclaimed pole dancing.
It's about fitness now.
She's right. Debbie says it builds
strength and control.
The hot pants are just an extra.
Mm. She'll be able to crush a grown
man's head between her thighs.
Wouldn't that have been useful
growing up? No.
I'll crush 'em for her.
Debbie, is it, yeah?
Queen of the slags?
Don't say that. Debbie's my hero.
She's sending you
down the road to ruin!
30 seconds are up.
I'm gonna sort this out.
She'll be swinging from the pole
after I've finished with her!
ASHLEY! Can I train with you
for a bit, Rana?
If you must.
Wicked! But I WILL crush you.
Move it!
MUSIC: Pony
by Ginuwine
Good. Nice.
Good, good. Point them toes.
Come on, bit more body strength.
Come on, up.
Good, good. That's it. Come on.
That's it. That's it. Excuse me!
I need to have a word with you
about how you do business.
Yes, love?
Hm. Well, you've got good shoulders.
You've got lovely arms, too. What?
For this. I should know.
I've been doing it long enough.
SHE MUTTERS
Gone white as a sheet. What's up?
I don't know. Are you scared?
No. A little bit. Don't worry.
Right, class, let's get on with it.
What's your name? Paula.
Hi, Paula. You all right?
Right, ladies.
Let's get this fair smashed, eh?
Here, start the tombola,
loosen the pockets.
Then they jump over to
the toy stall.
Now, that's just some marked-up tat
from my contacts
at the BMM warehouse.
Then, slap bang in the middle here,
we've got the cake stall.
The lovely Lisa over here has
pledged ten - ten -
lemon drizzles. Give it up.
THEY EXCLAIM
We're clapping!
Toni
tell me you are on track
to smash these bread cakes.
I would love to put a big tick
in your box.
Yeah. Er,, right, the thing is,
though,
I know I promised 36 bread cakes
Oh, d-d-d-d-d-d
Press the pause button there.
Are you saying you can't do this?
There are gonna be
some very disappointed kiddies.
I knew this would happen.
It's a lot to take on, Tone.
Don't worry.
Do you need me to step up, Jay?
No, no, no. No.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
What I'm saying is, is
Is 36 enough?
C-Can I do more?
Oh, I am loving the way
your mind works.
I tell you what,
why don't we make it an even 100?
Yes please.
That's what I was gonna suggest.
100 bread cakes.
OTHERS EXCLAIM
Yes. Yes.
Absolute baking legend, in my eyes.
You smashed it again, Jay.
Yeah, well,
it's not all over yet, is it?
We need a show stopper to blow
the bloody doors off this fair, hm?
Give me some ideas, ladies. Ideas.
Think, think, think.
My Dave could demo his power saw.
Er, no such thing as a shit idea,
yeah?
Next, anybody?
SHE GASPS
My mate can bring a police car down
and do a display,
let all the kiddies fiddle.
Not f I mean, fiddle
She can put the siren on!
Yes, we have a winner, team.
Love the way your mind works, team.
Brilliant.
Are you sure you can handle this?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, I'm gonna smash it.
Is it burning?
Is it meant to?
Yeah.
Are you being serious?
Sorry, do you want one?
No. I'm eating like Chris Hemsworth.
It's the caveman diet.
What's that, then?
Makes you want to club everyone over
the head cos you miss carbs SO MUCH.
What did Debbie say, then?
I've decided that you can carry on
with the lessons. Oh, mint!
Thanks, Mam.
Oh, God!
Not on social media, though. Deal.
I've got to tell Luke.
Hey, hey. Take these bloody things.
Come on. Chop-chop.
So, why the change of heart?
I appreciated
Debbie's point of view.
You called her a slag
last time I saw you.
In fact, queen of the slags.
I know, but I was wrong.
I've seen the light, Rana.
Debbie's an artist.
Why you got so many eggs?
MUSIC: Buttons
by the Pussycat Dolls
I can't stop
thinking about the pole.
It's like it's in me blood.
You're a natural, love.
Am I? I felt so weird, you know,
cos I was only really very good
at putting mats away in PE.
You're strong.
I keep telling you
but you don't believe me.
Now, come on. Give us a hook spin.
OK.
SHE SIGHS
Yeah.
You could be as good as them,
you know. Yeah.
Come to my advanced class on Friday.
OK.
What?
Are we buying a knock-off telly?
Doesn't look like much,
but Big Barry bakes
the best bread cakes in Hull.
You said they were passed down
from your mother.
Oh, she were crap at baking an' all.
She used to say, "Get your hair done
and your tits on show.
"And get your husband's mam
to cook for you."
Now, get in there
and pass 'em off as your own.
Welcome to living a lie.
So, now I'm living a lie?
Yeah, enjoy it, in't it?
Hey, and, Toni,
don't you dare tell Rana.
All right. Careful, now.
He's got magic in his hands
but violence in his soul.
Hiya, mate.
Can I have 100 bread cakes, please?
They have to be for personal use.
Oh, yeah, they are.
I really like bread cakes.
You're not gonna pass 'em off
as your own, are you?
Not a chance.
No, I'm gonna freeze 'em, obviously.
And eat one a day.
Cos you know, a bread cake a day
hip-hip, hooray.
SHE PANTS
Oh, God!
37 minutes.
How are you not gasping?
Four minutes slower than me.
Oh, this health kick is
really killing me.
I thought you were sailing through -
you're so pleasant.
Wanna rip everyone's head off and
shit in their neck. Will someone
force-feed her a Twix, please?
Sorry, sorry.
I just need to get this time trial
out of the way.
I've got you a distraction.
I've signed you up
to the school fair,
said you'd bring the police car
down
A load of screaming kids
in my motor? No sodding way.
That'll send me right over the edge,
Toni. It's for a good cause, Rana.
Hey, save it.
I'm immune to guilt trips.
Hm,
there is ONE chink in your arm our.
Grace
Will you help us, Auntie Wa-Wa?
You did not just do that.
SHE FEIGNS SOBBING
♫ Senorita, there's a look
in your eye. ♫
I finished your bread cakes, Toni.
100, freshly baked.
Bloody hell, Mam. 100?!
Least I could do.
And it's for t'kiddies, in't it?
It's for the kitties, Rana.
"It's for the kiddies!"
What do you say?
SHE GRUNTS
She got 14 million
new followers on TikTok,
just cos she smeared
peanut butter on a cat,
which is animal cruelty.
So I said to Luke, "Look at this.
It's animal cruelty."
And he looked at it and he said,
"Yeah, it's animal cruelty."
Ashley, love, what time's class?
Oh, it's not for ages.
Get there early? Do a warm-up.
Oh, Debbie says I don't need them.
Thing is, love -
and don't take this the wrong way -
I can't stand you.
Have I done something wrong?
It's not you - it's your youth.
It makes me feel like shit. Why?
Because I'm not extremely young
any more and right now,
I can't handle anyone who is.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm naturally
fit. Don't be.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Cos it won't.
SHE GRUNTS
MUSIC: Work It
by Missy Elliott
DEBBIE: And that, ladies,
is how it's done.
Shown you up again?
No, you were mint, Mam.
Oh, thanks.
Bloody natural!
This is my daughter. Yeah.
It's taking you a bit of time to get
the hang of it, isn't it?
Yeah, I did think
that she was a bit young. She is.
But I teach little 'uns just to hop
round it like a maypole. You what?!
I'll see you soon, Paula.
Yeah, you will.
I think I fancy her.
Shoot me now.
What if I get a pole in my room
for us to practise on?
Yeah, that could work.
Big gussets only, though,
just in case Jake walks in.
Deal! Now I just need to work out
how to tell your dad.
Oh, I took care of that. Videoed
your dance and sent it to him.
MUSIC: Young
by Jaded
♫ Sipping on that Coke and rum
♫ Wake up in the mornin'
Gotta brush my tongue and
♫ Ring the alarm and run, run, run
I said, run, run, run
♫ Yeah, run, run, run
We can have fun
♫ We can mess up
♫ Party 24/7
Don't give a what
♫ We can splash out
♫ We can throw it up
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
Cos we're young. ♫
Handcrafted bread-cakes!
Fresh from my oven!
50p each, three for £1.
Fresh bread cakes!
How's it going, girls?
Oh, I am raking in the dough.
The bairns are going barmy
for my barms. Love it!
You can ping me your figures, yeah?
Yeah, er, Paula, Paula,
can you action that, Paula?
She's my numbers bod.
Yeah, all right, Deborah Meaden!
You keep it up.
I'm smashing this fair.
Paula. What?
Don't embarrass me in front of Joe.
You're lucky I'm here. Shut it.
Time out, kiddies. Come on.
Hello. Hiya, darling.
Hey, look what Mam's doing,
running an artisan bakery business.
We don't know what that means,
do we? No.
We're gonna get our face painted.
Yeah, Craig, the point is,
it's an undeniable success.
And it hasn't all ended in tears.
Fair's not over yet, mate.
HORN HONKS
SIREN WAILS
MESSAGES OVER RADIO
Get that out my car!
Oh, my
SIREN BLARES
We're on a real ROLL now.
Oh, enough with the baking puns,
Toni.
Well, I think I might have
a calling, you know, for baking.
I mean, I've got a gift.
A gift for what?
You didn't bake 'em!
Being an artisan baker
is 90% attitude.
The bread is the easy bit.
Yeah, tell that to HIM.
Sh! Why is he here?
What have you done, Toni?
How many you after, love?
How many?
These are mine and you're passing
them off as your own.
Now you're toast. No, I'm not!
It's for the kiddies.
You should have
thought of that before.
This is mine!
THEY ARGUE
You monster!
No-one steals from Big Barry.
Get off!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,
sir.
This
is a kiddies' fair.
Smash him, Jay!
Are you gonna make me?
No.
No, I, er
I don't I don't want any trouble.
Just
Leave him alone, you
You need a good slapping!
THEY ARGUE
Don't you touch my sister!
Don't you dare hit her!
They're mine, you slapper.
CRAIG: Stay away from my woman!
THEY GASP
Bloody hell, Craig!
That's why you don't join the PTA.
The cakes are all mine.
Hello.
Hi, Mummy.
GRACE GIGGLES
Kick time!
That got out of hand, didn't it?
No, you leave me alone.
You've ruined everything.
It was only a fair.
I wanted to smash it.
And now that is all
anyone will remember.
And my burger business
has gone belly up.
You couldn't shift burgers in Hull?
Yeah. I know.
I'm a loser.
Hey, come on. I can't talk.
I'm 34 and my best role to date
was as a sexy kebab,
outside Hessle Grill, you know.
And I do spend
a lot of time on the sofa.
Jodie isn't in Goa.
She's in Goole with
a personal trainer, Reika.
SHE SIGHS
Why didn't you just come clean
and tell me you couldn't bake?
SHE TUTS
Hm. I don't know.
I just wanted Grace
to be proud of me.
Yeah, well, I wanted Tommy
to be proud of me, and
Come on. He is!
That was a great fair.
Until I ruined I did ruin it.
Is Is this gonna happen?
You and me?
No.
That's not happening.
And I'm not gonna tell Craig
that you did that.
Mm.
Grace. Do you want to help me make
an audition tape?
Yeah! You gonna be the director?
Yeah. Come on, then.
I'm gonna be the director.
Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy. Bye, Tommy.
MUSIC: Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff
and the Fresh Prince
What happened to Tommy?
Oh, he's off with his dad.
Jay ditched the PTA
to spend more time with him.
Good for him.
Oh! Where have you been?
The school, at a PTA meeting.
Mums have elected me president.
You hate the PTA.
Listen, can't get in the way
of democracy, Toni.
I'm gonna reform it from
the inside out, like a new broom.
SHE MOUTHS
Well, that sounds like a lot of
work. Meh. I'm gonna smash it.
Right. Great. See ya.
See you in a bit.
Craig's joined a cult.
You'll never hear
the end of that now. Brilliant.
Hey, er, how was your time trial?
Beat the 22-year-old
by .2 of a second.
Oh, so your detox paid off, then?
Nah, I took a different tack.
PHONE RINGS
Did a bit of sexual sabotage
the night before.
Knackered him out.
Hi, Toni Callahan.
PAULA CHUCKLES
Yeah. Yeah.
OK, thank you. Cheers, bye.
Oh, my God, I got
I got the part!
THEY GASP
No way! Got the part!
Buzzing! Job-Seeker Two.
Grace! Grace, darling.
Mam got the part.
Well done, Mam.
SHE CHUCKLES
Yeah, they said my desperation
was believable.
Really believable, apparently. Mm.
I'm saying nothing.
♫ We can have fun
We can mess up
♫ Party 24/7
♫ Don't give a what
♫ We can splash out
♫ We can throw it up
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever that we want
cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young
♫ We can do whatever
that we want cos we're young
♫ E-E-Ever that we want
cos we're young ♫