Human Resources (2022) s01e05 Episode Script

1 What? W-w-where am I? H-How did I get here? Oh, no, Becca, we're lost! And there's no land in sight.
You'll miss your first day back at work! It's probably for the best.
You won't be able to handle it anyway.
You're right.
I-I'm just figuring out the mom part.
How am I supposed to go to work too? What if you're so exhausted you think the baby is a turkey? Then you put the baby in the oven and the turkey in the crib! And now you have to raise the turkey and eat the baby! - Worst Thanksgiving ever! - What was that? - Probably something terrible.
- And we're all alone out here.
- And nobody cares if you live or die! - What about Barry? Barry cares, right? Barry? Barry? Barry! Barry! - Barry? - Oh, yes.
Barry seems very concerned.
What? Who Who are you? I'm Kitty.
Your new best friend.
Oh.
Okay.
I haven't slept in weeks.
I could use some company.
I have an idea.
Let's see how hard we can cry without waking up Barry.
Okay, that sounds like a good plan.
That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful And a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel I'm tellin' ya, Sonya's a damn wreck.
That poor bug is spiraling down a drain full of shit and alcohol.
She needs a change.
I know it's my go-to, but she needs to get fucked.
Well, it'd be nice for her to meet somebody.
Get out of the house, have a little fun.
You mean, like, set her up with a stud to crack her open? Yes.
I love matchmaking! Fixing people's problems by forcing them to fornicate.
Yeah.
Who's the lucky stud? Ooh! What about Gavin? Ugh.
He's an asshole.
Plus his tits are fake.
Well, who do you got, Mr.
Picky Pants? Oh! I do know know a recently single dick with great tits.
I I don't know if I'm ready to get out there again.
You seem too focused on tits.
Can we expand beyond tits? Fine.
Wait.
Oh, oh! Hold on.
I've got the perfect guy.
- Or gal.
- Yeah, right.
But this one's a guy.
Okay.
But I'm just saying, we gotta consider the females too.
I got that, but my person, who will remain a surprise, and please don't challenge me on this, is a dude, and his tits are spectacular.
You're now officially my second favorite thing to do in the bathroom.
I'm so glad you followed me in here when I did actually need to go.
- Mm - Mm Aww.
Y'all are sweet as a condom full of Kool-Aid.
Oh! Kitty Uh We were just, uh, testing the weight limit.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, she's rock solid.
Good.
- So's my donger.
- Oh, my God.
I love it when you say "donger.
" - Donger.
Like that? - Oh, fuck.
- Mm - Mm Peace, babe.
Dante, right? It's a funny story, actually.
He Oh, no, I get it.
Young love.
Oh, you think Dante loves me? That must be why he's so comfortable asking me for money.
You're hilarious.
Darling, I cannot wait to work with you on Becca's team.
Oh, yeah, I'm a riot.
But, oh shit.
If you're on Becca's team, does that mean she's depressed? Oh, just a little postpartum, but it can be fun.
Last night, Becca and I ate cold lasagna from a mug and watched 35 episodes of House Hunters back-to-back.
Oh, my God, will you adopt me? How about I take you to lunch tomorrow instead? I could pick your brain about Becca? So, when you say "take me," does that, uh Don't worry, honey.
It's my treat.
Great.
Yeah, 'cause I gave all my money to Dante.
He needed to buy a birthday gift for one of his exes, so, you know, he be shoppin'.
God, I am exhausted.
And you look like the Crypt Keeper in a Donna Karan suit.
Mommy's home.
How was your first day back? I bet you killed it.
Yep.
If her job is crying in the bathroom, she fucking kicked ass.
Jake! Oh, there's my little guy.
- Oh! Oh, no.
Did I do something? - Don't be scared.
It's just Mommy.
Oh, dear, has the baby forgotten you already? Abandoned by his mommy for a legal brief.
This is exactly what happens - when you go back to work too soon.
- Ugh.
- Oh! Guess what? He rolled over today.
- Really? Here.
Here! I have a video.
Oh, my God! Did you see that, Becs? Oh, I messed up and the camera's facing the wrong way.
I'm so glad you didn't miss this! - Well done, Barry.
- Babe.
You You look so exhausted.
Is it possible that you maybe went back to work too soon? - Barry gets it.
- I look exhausted and I'm a bad mom? Thank you, Barry.
Very cool.
Let's fuck, please.
- Really? - No! - Oh.
- Sounds like Barry never wanted you to go back to work in the first place.
Fuck that.
Becca, I swear to fuck, if you let that bozo trap you in the house like Alf, I'll kick your ass back to Melmac.
I'm binging Alf.
Fuck you.
It's funny.
Oh, Kitty, I am loving this Christmas-themed restaurant.
The most depressing time of the year all year round? Yes, please.
Ho ho ho.
Tell Santa what you want for lunch.
Santa, I'll start with a candy cane colada and make it a double.
Thank you.
And I'll have a whole ham, please.
Oh, that sounds good.
Make that a double too.
So, how has it been as Becca's Lovebug? Well, it was rough at first, but now we're buds and the baby's cute and lazy and barfs a lot, so we really get each other, you know? But that husband.
He's a real wet blanket, isn't he? Who, Barry? Oh, yeah, he's a dud.
"I'm Barry.
I think yogurt raisins are candy.
I'm Barry.
" That is Barry spot on.
Now, you don't think it's anti-Semitic, right? - It's kinda more just fun? - I think it's accurate.
Barry's a total joke.
Do you think Oh, I hate to even suggest it.
But do you think she even loves him anymore? Hm.
Well, everything he says annoys her, and I've never even glowed for him once.
Also, when he turns to the side, he looks like her dad.
Yeah.
I said that to her and she started crying.
Oh, honey, I'd cry too if I was married to Barry.
- See? That's not anti-Semitic.
- He's just a loser.
- Who happens to be Jewish.
- Incredibly Jewish.
Maury, where the hell is your damn mystery man? Trust me, he's gonna show.
He just likes to make a sexy entrance.
This was a stupid idea.
Just let me go home to drink my penne a la vodka in peace.
- You drink it? - Yes, Maury! I blend my booze into my food so I don't pass out before I get as drunk as I want to be.
- Is that okay with you? - That is brilliant.
That's really smart.
Yeah.
Get your shit together, girl.
What's up, sports fans? - Are you fucking kidding me? - Maury! This is your sexy fuck stud? The pleasure to make your meeting, Shauna.
Ugh! You've worked with me for years, you fucking moron.
Rick? Really? I didn't know he was gonna wear the piece.
Casual yawn.
Don't fucking touch me, E.
T.
Wow, you really like alcohol.
What's your favorite part? When it goes in red or when it comes out yellow? Jesus Christ.
Hey, Shauna.
You look like you want to kill yourself.
Okay.
I'm out.
Oh no! My hair system! My confidence is plummeting.
Hey, welcome home.
Baby's sleeping, dinner's ready, and Barry's had a glass of daddy juice.
Hold on.
Jake's already sleeping? You were running late, so I put him to bed for you.
Oh, dear.
Seems like Barry doesn't think Becca can take care of her own child.
Well, can you blame him? The last time she held the boy, he screamed so loud, I thought Charlie bit his finger.
I said, I thought Charlie bit his finger! Nobody remember that? Just me.
So, what do you think? I made us a romantic dinner.
Hey, sorry I'm late.
 I had a whole ham for lunch.
What'd I miss? - Uh, Barry made us a romantic dinner.
- Eww.
Why'd he do that? I don't know.
But for some reason, e everything he does disgusts me.
Well, I can think of one reason.
Right.
Oh, yeah.
Because she doesn't love him anymore.
- Bingo.
- What What'd you just say? I thought you knew from, like, your behavior.
- Oh, God, maybe the bug's right.
- Barry drives you crazy! - He doesn't know you at all.
- Did you marry the wrong man? - Just like your mother? - Honey, do you want some salmon? No, Barry.
I don't want any salmon.
Whoa, hey, I I'm just trying to do something nice for you.
All I wanted was to put the baby to sleep.
I'm working all day.
I don't get to see him, I don't get to hold him.
Okay, okay, I get it.
You're super stressed-out.
- I'm not stressed-out.
I'm just - Well, just what? I'm just not sure I love you anymore! Okay? Whoa.
She said it.
Uh Guys? What the hell am I supposed to do now? - Go after her.
- With your pants around your ankles.
You want some more daddy juice? And maybe some daddy Xanax? Don't you worry your little head, Barry.
Your team's on it.
It's all going to be alright.
We're fucked! Fucked! Fucked! Fucked! Fucked! Fucked! Fuck! What the fuckin' fuck are we going to fuckin' do? I don't fuckin' know! Hello? Cat? Mr.
Stevens? Are you going to just sit there and doodle in your coloring book? Hey, yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry, man.
Yeah, doodling helps me think.
And what exactly do you think, Depression Boy? I think we shouldn't be doing anything too crazy.
But she doesn't love us anymore! See, I think she does, Tito.
Well, we got to do something.
Something big.
I know! We should round up all the local perverts and do a flash mob.
- Make her feel special.
- Now, that's a plan! No, it's definitely not.
No, no, no, no.
Make Becca feel special.
Show her we listen and we see her.
Guys, good news! The local perverts are in! And a few out-of-towners.
Melvin and Johnson - Guys, are we sure about this? - See, I'm not.
I'm on record as saying we should just eat a gummy and wait for all this to blow over.
Don't listen to him! I am the Lovebug and I know love.
I invented the saying, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish," for fuck's sake.
And I invented an app for perverts to keep in touch with each other.
It's called Creep'R, because Goop was taken.
Special delivery.
- Barry? - Aww, he brought Jake.
Who the fuck is Jake? Aww, look at him in his little suit.
It's kind of sweet.
No, it's kind of manipulative.
Is he trying to ruin her career? Yeah! Becca's trying to pretend she never had this baby so her co-workers don't think of her as a human being.
- Oh, my God.
What a little munchkin.
- Hello there.
Yes, hello.
- Becca, didn't know you were human.
- God damn it! Motherfuckin' shit! What are you doing here? Excuse me, whose dumb fucking idea was this? Tyler wanted to gather a horde of perverts.
Um Once you reach a dozen, it's called a "splooge" of perverts.
Barry, go home.
Now.
- But, Becc - I said go home! What's going on? This is so unlike you.
Don't tell me what I'm like.
- Yeah, don't do that.
We hate that.
- Everyone is looking at us! Your co-workers think you're a bad lawyer and an even worse mom! And you're mean to your husband! Who looks like your dad when he turns to the side.
- Becca, can we just talk? - Stop! I can't do this anymore.
What do you mean you can't do this? Oh, Father Baby Jesus, don't let her say the D-word! Barry, I don't want you here right now, okay? Please go before I say something I can't take back.
Tyler, I never thought I'd say this, but I think the time has come to call your perverts.
They're already here.
Oh my God, you guys, there are, like, eight splooges of perverts out there.
Yay! Oh, dang! I went to high school with that guy.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Fuck you.
Shut up.
What the fuck? Hey, Shauna! I think you forgot your silverwear and your napkin at the restaurant.
What? That's not No.
What the fuck do you want? Is it just me or did we have, like, a super-sexy vibe last night? Are you kidding? No, there was definitely no vibe.
Oh.
Maybe it was just a hard, sharp doodie.
Oh, God.
Nah.
I'm pretty sure it was vibe.
Ooh! A pizza box.
You got such a messy house, Shauna.
Please go fuck yourself, you walking canker sore.
There's that vibe again, baby.
You make yourself comfortable.
I'm gonna clean up around the house here, maybe eat some of these boxes.
Ugh! Fine.
Do whatever you want.
I gotta go back to sleep.
Boy, you sure do love to drink wine and be sad.
Screw you, Rick.
Being sad makes me happy.
Alright, I'm not gonna lie.
I have yet to hear one good argument for why Becca and Barry should stay together.
Ever hear of a little thing called "wedding vows"? Hello? "Manifestation of love and devotion before family and God"? Nothing? Darling, that is all in the past.
Yeah, and now there's a new Lovebug in town and she says time's up on Barry.
She She is me.
Well, if she got to know Flanny and Barry, she'd dig them as much as Becca does.
Oh, please.
Becca doesn't love Barry.
And why would I want to get to know him? No offense, but he's a lemon.
Okay, okay.
Ju Hear me out.
Let's compromise.
How's about an open marriage? - Any takers on that? - Ooh! An Indecent Proposal? Call me Demi Moore 'cause I am still friends with Bruce Willis.
He's actually a pretty great guy.
Don't negotiate with these losers.
Team Barry is a joke.
Mm Because we're funny? Uh, no, 'cause you're fuckin' pathetic.
You don't even have an Ambition Gremlin.
Or a Shame Wizard.
Hey, guys.
Gonna throw something out there.
What if all these differences between us are actually a good thing? She doesn't love him! I hear you, Kitty.
But maybe what you're not considering is Alright, guys! Guys, guys! Before you start expressing your glands, maybe we should call it a night.
Pick it up in the morning.
Yeah, 'cause we're clearly not making any progress with these fuckin' dildos.
- 'Sup? - Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey, that doesn't even work.
Dude, where does all your chill, laid-back confidence come from? What is your deal? No deal.
I just think Becca still loves Barry.
Uh Okay.
What makes you think that? The fact that she says that she doesn't love him, or the fact that my butt goes ice-cold when he walks in the room? That ice-cold booty aside, Becca and Barry have a history you don't know about.
- Let me show you.
- Whoa! Where the fuck are we going? The Memory Bank.
Whoa! Oof! The what? The Memory Bank.
Check it.
It's pretty cool, huh? Uh Dumbass, this is a cafeteria.
Yeah, the cafeteria at Penn.
Fall semester, freshman year.
Barry and I were in a pretty dark place.
He hadn't changed out of those pajamas in a week.
Oh, God.
Hey, um, this food sucks, huh? Yeah, but there's so much of it.
I'm Becca.
You're, uh, in my statistics class, aren't you? - Mm We should totally study together.
- Oh.
Okay.
Whoa.
Becca got us out of our head, you know? Oh, my God.
Is that Sonya? Hey, I'm Sonya Poinsettia.
Pleasure to be working with you.
Enchanté.
I'm Flanny O'Lympic.
I hope your girl likes to be smothered emotionally.
Well, her dad is very withholding.
- So, yeah, I think she'll be into that.
- But Becca never talks about her dad.
Well, check out this memory.
Bit of a tight squeeze.
I I can't believe he he's not coming.
You know what? Fuck your dad.
It's his loss.
But who's going to walk me down the aisle? Well, you know how you always say I look like him from the side? You're crazy.
Alright.
Wow, that's very cute.
Right? Oh, shit.
I I think I kind of like Barry.
Looks like you kind of love Barry.
Relax.
It's just a flicker for that hot dead Jesus on the wall.
Okay.
It is.
He's got those "Son of God" abs.
What in the cocksucking fuck is that? Oh, it's a fort, mama.
I made it all by my own self, baby.
Wow.
Holy shit.
You wanna come in? Uh Fuck no, but thank you for asking.
Come on, baby.
 I got a flashlight, comic books, bubblegum cigarettes.
Fine.
Just please shut up.
Don't break the fort! Wow.
This is kind of nice.
And quiet.
Sometimes, when you got a lot of trash, you gotta make something cool out of it.
Oh, man.
I do have a lot of trash.
Aww.
You look like you want to kill yourself again.
What's wrong? You don't have the guts? I just lost my way.
I lost my job and look around.
I've turned my life into garbage.
Yeah, but garbage is just a fort you haven't built yet, baby.
Huh.
You're very wise, Rick.
I know, Shauna.
It's a blessing and a curse.
I think Yeah, maybe I've been drinking too much.
And I think maybe I've been eating too many bubblegum cigarettes.
Oh no! My awesome fort! I broke it! I love you! We had such a vibe! Whee Oh, hello! Here's your "Fuck Barry" tote.
Ooh, I'm gonna use mine at the farmer's market.
And here's one for you, Emmy.
"Barry totes sucks.
" Uh About that, Kitty, I I've been thinking, maybe Is it possible we should give Barry another chance? Emmy, this is not what we talked about at lunch, which I paid for.
But Becca and Barry have a history, and and they actually have real love.
I I think this marriage might be worth saving? Good point.
If they got divorced, she would be the one paying alimony to that lumpy dumpy doofus.
The man is holding back her career.
Barry doesn't even have an Ambition Gremlin, for Christ's sake.
Well Well, maybe Barry doesn't need an ambition gremlin because you're terrifying enough for at least two people.
Bitch! Thank you.
- I'm starting to feel our dynamic.
- Aww.
Oh, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And maybe Barry doesn't need a Shame Wizard because I'm so awesome.
- Sure.
That.
- That's Becca and Barry, man.
They're like weed and cartoons, they totally complement each other.
Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! We all agreed, Becca's problem is is Barry.
I'm sorry, Kitty, but I think her problem is you.
Excuse me? You are the reason Becca thinks she doesn't love Barry anymore.
Oh, shut your trap, Hairy Garcia! Becca's doomed to be miserable, and she should just give up and stop fighting and drown already! Oh my God.
You don't even care about Becca, you postpartum puss.
What do you know? You're a worthless little Lovebug who gets finger-fucked in public by a creep who doesn't even like you.
You wouldn't know love if it smacked you in your weird left tit! It's not weird, it's just bigger! Now, who says we give Barry another shot? - Yes! - I do! Sorry, Kitty.
Oh, please.
Barry can't help her.
Our fella's got more to him than you think.
Yeah.
He does this funny wiener dance when he gets out of the shower.
Oh, I shouldn't be showing you.
I'm on probation.
Hey, Becca? - What do you want, Barry? - Can we talk? Ignore him, we've heard it all before.
Your phone is your husband now.
Yeah.
If he has something to say, I'd rather read it in an email.
Hold on.
Just hold on.
Hear him out.
You guys have history, and, I mean, he walked you down the aisle.
Okay, Barry, fine.
Come in.
- Listen, I I know you've been feeling - You don't know what I'm feeling.
You're right.
I I don't.
I really, really don't.
See? He's trying so hard.
Hey.
You remember when I wouldn't stop listening to Kelly Clarkson and I couldn't get out of bed? Yeah.
That happened more than once.
And you always showed up for me.
Well, now, I'd really love to show up for you.
If you'll let me.
This guy will not give up.
Exactly.
He's Barry! What I'm saying is, I'm not going anywhere.
Unless you want me to leave, I mean, and then I'll leave, but it's it's because I respect you so much.
Why are you being so nice to me? I I've been fucking awful to you.
I can handle it.
Hey, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," right? Barry, never quote Kelly Clarkson again.
Becca, "Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
" Oh my God.
Please stop.
- What's that? - Oh! I brought Taco Bell.
What's happening? I know the doula said it can make your breast milk spicy, but you deserve a treat.
I'm glowing.
Holy fuck, I'm glowing.
Wait a minute, are you glowing for Barry or the chalupas? For Barry! Eww.
I can't believe it.
This is fuckin' awesome! Oh, the love! He cares about you so much, and he really knows you.
God, I'm so horny for love right now.
Also, you feel the glow in the front part too.
To Becca and Barry, two beautiful, sad fucks who deserve one another.
And you two, saving the fucking day.
Sonya would be proud.
Guys, next round is on me.
SpaceX just bought my pervert app.
Yo, real talk, Emmy? You were pretty incredible back there.
- Um I know.
- Oh, are you glowing right now? I can't stop.
Oh! You know what? I should use my butt to find coins under the booths.
- Hey, I liked working together.
- Me too.
You sure you're a depression kitty? Because you got real Lovebug vibes.
Hey, hey, don't tell nobody, but there's a rumor that my great-grandmother hooked up with a Lovebug.
Well, I'm glad that she did because I'm glad that you're here and, you know, that we're here together, and also there's booze - Wait.
I I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
- I I thought you wanted to - No, I do.
I I did.
I just, um I'm kissing someone else lately.
- Hey, Emmy, you sexy thing.
- Hey! - I didn't know you'd be here.
- I, um, invited you.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right.
Cool, cool.
Uh, and who's this? Cat Stevens.
I'm I'm Emmy's new friend.
Yeah.
Cool.
Nice to meet you, Steve.
So Hey! Hey, you guys want some drinks? Let's do it! Let's do some shots! Oowa oowa! He didn't even ask what we want.
Yeah, he's gonna get tequila 'cause it fucks you up the fastest, so that's what we all will have.
Gotcha.
He seems nice.
Well, look at that.
You guys saved a marriage, and I got one of my Amish clients to draw a sexy chicken in the dirt.
Sounds like we both had a pretty big day.
Yeah, I just wish we could've helped Sonya too.
I know.
I'm sorry about Rick.
I honestly thought he would be good for her Weirdly, Maury was totally right.
Sonya! What the hell are you doing behind the bar? Get out from there! Well, Rick helped me realize that I'd been spending so much time here because I missed work and had no place else to go.
So, now, this is work.
- How'd you get a job here? - My guy Rick pulled some strings.
They owed me one 'cause I was the one who caught the guy who was making hard, sharp doodies in their sink.
It was him.
Caught myself brown-handed.
Honey, are you sure this is a good idea with all your drinkin'? - Oh.
Rick's helping me give up booze too.
- Pastor Rick, man.
This guy's a brother.
He's really quite amazing.
To my dear friend Rick.
- To Rick! - To Rick! Toothpicks! Are what's in my sharp doodies.
Barry, I think I might be at sea for a while.
That's okay.
But I'm glad you're here with me.
And, you know, "My life would suck without you.
" Oh, babe.
I love you.
Guess this means you're sorry You're standing at my door I guess this means you take back All you said before Like how much you wanted Anyone but me You said you'd never come back But here you are again 'Cause we belong together now And honestly My life would suck without you