Hunderby (2012) s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
Now it is with heavy heart that I tell you, my flock, that your shepherd must depart for pastures new.
As you are no doubt aware, my wife, Helene, has refused to bear us an heir.
Despite God's greatest efforts and the pipes, fingers and prayers of the healing ring.
After 300 years at Hunderby, the Suffolk-Finches shall be no more.
(CONGREGATION GASP) Calm, calm, calm yourselves.
'Tis God's will.
And, after discussion with Brother Joseph, it is decided I shall follow his mission to Fiji.
Ooh! Where I shall guide the natives away from dark totems and hoodoo-voodoo towards the Christian light.
I will be joined by my wife and our most loyal servant.
Geoff.
You would rather take a monkey in a suit to Fiji than me? At least the monkey has manners A monkey and a whore! Perhaps it is time you sought a new position Mistress Suffolk-Finch? Sorry, I still cannot get used to that name.
Please, call me Helene.
You are unwell? Nay, I merely sought a moment of quiet reflection.
Forgive me.
I shall leave you in peace.
No! Please.
But your fingers They tremble.
Yours, also.
Like two butterflies .
.
caught in a net.
Forgive me, Helene.
But your lips seem as swelling plums becking to be p? Please! God help me.
I'm sorry, may we stop? What ails thee, mistress? I may have hada mishap.
Forgive me, since I was crippled, my bowel can hold little more than a bird's fist.
Poor you.
Out here, with your browny knickerbockers, while your husband's up there, honking that organ.
Oh, Graham just cannot help himself.
Poor Mistress Helene must be taken sick with the thought of leaving us.
Go! Mistress Helene.
I come to deliver this.
But, in truth I come to deliver this.
Ooh! I am undone, sir! Very good, Geoff! Oh, Dorothy.
(KNOCKING/BANGING) Yes, a pair of sherries would be nice.
Is that not Geoff's duty now, sir? He is resting.
The length of his toes tires him at times.
(KNOCKING/BANGING) Just two more months of this hullabaloo, Geoff.
Sir seems almost excited to be casting off his ancestral seat to live amongst cannibals.
Although I suppose you've had some practice.
Well, it will be a simple life, fishing and swimming.
And Geoff's dusky countenance should keep the natives at bay.
And Mistress Helene? Oh, I'm sure she'll scare them off! Let us pray the sea does not try to drown her properly this time Oh, Edmund! Excuse me.
Edmund, we are invited to a farewell dinner at the Foggertys'.
Oh, Mr Edmund, perhaps we might duet? I should enjoy that and Hesther does the most wonderful honeyed hog.
Oh, no, tis just myself and Edmund that have been invited.
Yum! More honeyed hog for us! You and Geoff can stay home and play Old Maid.
Help yourself to nibbles.
(LOUD CRUNCHING) (CRUNCHING CONTINUES) Perhaps I might read a holy passage while we wait? Oh, blast it! My pocket gospel must have fallen out in the carriage.
Oh, Helene! Oh, Graham! I shall boil over my britches if I cannot have thee! Oh, Graham, please! Hmm, not there.
How curious.
I do hope that mongrel did not mistake God's book for a bone and chew my gospels up.
Why do we have to dine with that crippled bitch? Ah, Hesther.
My chair caught on a ruck.
Ooh, yum.
That looks tasty, Hesther Hope so! Could you carve, Graham? The snout is very crisp.
Mmm.
Thank you, Edmund, for the wine.
Very generous.
Graham does not drink.
No.
So, Edmund, you are bound for Fiji? Yes.
I hear much from Brother Joseph of its delights.
Yes, yes indeed.
Though the natives are said to partake of human flesh.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Did Madam wish me to examine Mistress Susan's splinted leg? Methinks I saw the poor lass listing a little.
Ohyes, thank you.
Please, bring her to my examining room.
Pastor, Hesther, will you excuse us? Of course, but.
you have barely eaten a scrap, Graham! Mmm! No, Graham! We must not! I am married to a goodly pastor and I've failed him by not bearing his child! You are not the failure, sweet Helene! Your womb is big and strong! How I envy your soft words.
Yet I know! I know.
I too am a most treacherous scoundrel to my poor wooden wife.
But you are bound for Fiji! It is too much to bear! No! We cannot! Hush-ho, sweet Helene.
Hush-ho (FOGGERTY GRUNTS/HELENE MOANS) How do you find the hog, sir? A triumph! (HELENE GASPS LOUDLY) (SILENCE) Susan must be better.
Hmm.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR) Ah, Dorothy.
Your bubbly milk, sir.
Ooh, thank you.
Thank you, Geoff.
Oh, I found this, sir.
Oh, my pocket gospel! What's this? Dear God! Is this spectacle coming here? Oh.
Yes, sir, excuse me, that must have slipped in there by accident.
Myself and Biddy shall be attending to heal andedify God's unfortunatesthrough prayer.
To think people will pay to touch these accidents of birth.
Nay.
Nay.
Tis too great a burden for your and Biddy's withered shoulders.
I believe we should all undertake ahealing visit.
Hmm? (CIRCUS MUSIC) (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) I'm excited! All of us goin' to the fair! Tis not a fair, Annie, but an unholy freak show! I ask that nobody gawp.
Rrgh! Roll up! Roll up! Witness nature's horrors alive and bizarre in the most hideous flesh! Oh, look, Tom! Half man, half pony! Penny for a ride! Fancy a go? Oh, I wouldn't say no to a hairy ride! A boy with three legs and three girls with none! Arnold Penishands! Come on, ladies, don't be shy.
Come and shake his hand! A tragic spectacle.
Yes.
I suggest we begin the Lord's work in here.
(GRUNTING) Have her contours wrapped round you.
Want a bosh? (LAUGHTER) (HISSES) (SNIFFS) These poor lumpen bumpkins.
Tis a most upsetting sight.
Oh, Graham! Have you come to help them? To help.
To heal.
To journey the aching rose that is thy perfect mouth.
Oh, Helene! I came only to find thee! Oh, Graham! I hear you have a hunchback here.
Old John Whiffin? You want to touch his lucky hump? Maybe.
How much to touch your lucky humps, lady? Where is he? Where is he? Yonder.
Rrgh! Ha-ha! (CACKLES) Rrgh! Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Oh, Graham! Forgive me.
But tell me you do not hunger once more for my touch.
I do! Every night my soul doth fly loose for thee! (SUCKS AIR) I love thee.
Elizabeth? My Elizabeth! (SNIFFS) Nay! She smelt like summer rain.
I smelltrout.
You are blind? She did it to me.
Elizabeth.
Where is she? Where is she? So, tis this humpty dumpty has caught your eye, is it? Eh? I want him.
You fancy a pump o' the hump? I wish to take him from here.
Name your price.
My price Tis not in that purse, lady.
(MOANS) Oh Oh! I am arriving! I am arriving! I have arrived! Help me! Hesther Help! Help me! But that is Hesther's cry! Then you must go to her at once.
Please! I love thee.
Help me, please! (SOBS) Hesther! Oh, Graham! He captured me with a lasso! Who? That nasty man in the red hat! Dear God, Hesther.
What are you doing here? Looking for you! I brought you a parsnip broth.
I thought you'd be tired from tending to all the ugly-buglies.
Oh, Hesther.
Oh, very nice.
Whiffin's all yours.
(CHUCKLES) accessibility@bskyb.
com
As you are no doubt aware, my wife, Helene, has refused to bear us an heir.
Despite God's greatest efforts and the pipes, fingers and prayers of the healing ring.
After 300 years at Hunderby, the Suffolk-Finches shall be no more.
(CONGREGATION GASP) Calm, calm, calm yourselves.
'Tis God's will.
And, after discussion with Brother Joseph, it is decided I shall follow his mission to Fiji.
Ooh! Where I shall guide the natives away from dark totems and hoodoo-voodoo towards the Christian light.
I will be joined by my wife and our most loyal servant.
Geoff.
You would rather take a monkey in a suit to Fiji than me? At least the monkey has manners A monkey and a whore! Perhaps it is time you sought a new position Mistress Suffolk-Finch? Sorry, I still cannot get used to that name.
Please, call me Helene.
You are unwell? Nay, I merely sought a moment of quiet reflection.
Forgive me.
I shall leave you in peace.
No! Please.
But your fingers They tremble.
Yours, also.
Like two butterflies .
.
caught in a net.
Forgive me, Helene.
But your lips seem as swelling plums becking to be p? Please! God help me.
I'm sorry, may we stop? What ails thee, mistress? I may have hada mishap.
Forgive me, since I was crippled, my bowel can hold little more than a bird's fist.
Poor you.
Out here, with your browny knickerbockers, while your husband's up there, honking that organ.
Oh, Graham just cannot help himself.
Poor Mistress Helene must be taken sick with the thought of leaving us.
Go! Mistress Helene.
I come to deliver this.
But, in truth I come to deliver this.
Ooh! I am undone, sir! Very good, Geoff! Oh, Dorothy.
(KNOCKING/BANGING) Yes, a pair of sherries would be nice.
Is that not Geoff's duty now, sir? He is resting.
The length of his toes tires him at times.
(KNOCKING/BANGING) Just two more months of this hullabaloo, Geoff.
Sir seems almost excited to be casting off his ancestral seat to live amongst cannibals.
Although I suppose you've had some practice.
Well, it will be a simple life, fishing and swimming.
And Geoff's dusky countenance should keep the natives at bay.
And Mistress Helene? Oh, I'm sure she'll scare them off! Let us pray the sea does not try to drown her properly this time Oh, Edmund! Excuse me.
Edmund, we are invited to a farewell dinner at the Foggertys'.
Oh, Mr Edmund, perhaps we might duet? I should enjoy that and Hesther does the most wonderful honeyed hog.
Oh, no, tis just myself and Edmund that have been invited.
Yum! More honeyed hog for us! You and Geoff can stay home and play Old Maid.
Help yourself to nibbles.
(LOUD CRUNCHING) (CRUNCHING CONTINUES) Perhaps I might read a holy passage while we wait? Oh, blast it! My pocket gospel must have fallen out in the carriage.
Oh, Helene! Oh, Graham! I shall boil over my britches if I cannot have thee! Oh, Graham, please! Hmm, not there.
How curious.
I do hope that mongrel did not mistake God's book for a bone and chew my gospels up.
Why do we have to dine with that crippled bitch? Ah, Hesther.
My chair caught on a ruck.
Ooh, yum.
That looks tasty, Hesther Hope so! Could you carve, Graham? The snout is very crisp.
Mmm.
Thank you, Edmund, for the wine.
Very generous.
Graham does not drink.
No.
So, Edmund, you are bound for Fiji? Yes.
I hear much from Brother Joseph of its delights.
Yes, yes indeed.
Though the natives are said to partake of human flesh.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Did Madam wish me to examine Mistress Susan's splinted leg? Methinks I saw the poor lass listing a little.
Ohyes, thank you.
Please, bring her to my examining room.
Pastor, Hesther, will you excuse us? Of course, but.
you have barely eaten a scrap, Graham! Mmm! No, Graham! We must not! I am married to a goodly pastor and I've failed him by not bearing his child! You are not the failure, sweet Helene! Your womb is big and strong! How I envy your soft words.
Yet I know! I know.
I too am a most treacherous scoundrel to my poor wooden wife.
But you are bound for Fiji! It is too much to bear! No! We cannot! Hush-ho, sweet Helene.
Hush-ho (FOGGERTY GRUNTS/HELENE MOANS) How do you find the hog, sir? A triumph! (HELENE GASPS LOUDLY) (SILENCE) Susan must be better.
Hmm.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR) Ah, Dorothy.
Your bubbly milk, sir.
Ooh, thank you.
Thank you, Geoff.
Oh, I found this, sir.
Oh, my pocket gospel! What's this? Dear God! Is this spectacle coming here? Oh.
Yes, sir, excuse me, that must have slipped in there by accident.
Myself and Biddy shall be attending to heal andedify God's unfortunatesthrough prayer.
To think people will pay to touch these accidents of birth.
Nay.
Nay.
Tis too great a burden for your and Biddy's withered shoulders.
I believe we should all undertake ahealing visit.
Hmm? (CIRCUS MUSIC) (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) I'm excited! All of us goin' to the fair! Tis not a fair, Annie, but an unholy freak show! I ask that nobody gawp.
Rrgh! Roll up! Roll up! Witness nature's horrors alive and bizarre in the most hideous flesh! Oh, look, Tom! Half man, half pony! Penny for a ride! Fancy a go? Oh, I wouldn't say no to a hairy ride! A boy with three legs and three girls with none! Arnold Penishands! Come on, ladies, don't be shy.
Come and shake his hand! A tragic spectacle.
Yes.
I suggest we begin the Lord's work in here.
(GRUNTING) Have her contours wrapped round you.
Want a bosh? (LAUGHTER) (HISSES) (SNIFFS) These poor lumpen bumpkins.
Tis a most upsetting sight.
Oh, Graham! Have you come to help them? To help.
To heal.
To journey the aching rose that is thy perfect mouth.
Oh, Helene! I came only to find thee! Oh, Graham! I hear you have a hunchback here.
Old John Whiffin? You want to touch his lucky hump? Maybe.
How much to touch your lucky humps, lady? Where is he? Where is he? Yonder.
Rrgh! Ha-ha! (CACKLES) Rrgh! Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha! Oh, Graham! Forgive me.
But tell me you do not hunger once more for my touch.
I do! Every night my soul doth fly loose for thee! (SUCKS AIR) I love thee.
Elizabeth? My Elizabeth! (SNIFFS) Nay! She smelt like summer rain.
I smelltrout.
You are blind? She did it to me.
Elizabeth.
Where is she? Where is she? So, tis this humpty dumpty has caught your eye, is it? Eh? I want him.
You fancy a pump o' the hump? I wish to take him from here.
Name your price.
My price Tis not in that purse, lady.
(MOANS) Oh Oh! I am arriving! I am arriving! I have arrived! Help me! Hesther Help! Help me! But that is Hesther's cry! Then you must go to her at once.
Please! I love thee.
Help me, please! (SOBS) Hesther! Oh, Graham! He captured me with a lasso! Who? That nasty man in the red hat! Dear God, Hesther.
What are you doing here? Looking for you! I brought you a parsnip broth.
I thought you'd be tired from tending to all the ugly-buglies.
Oh, Hesther.
Oh, very nice.
Whiffin's all yours.
(CHUCKLES) accessibility@bskyb.
com