I Feel Bad (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
I'm Vain A.F.
1 It's hard to feel great about how you look.
But even after three kids and a stressful-ass job, I feel pretty good.
Oh! I almost forgot, beta, I got you a gift.
Oh, that's nice.
Thanks, Mom.
Anti-aging serum for dry, dull skin by Susan Sarandon.
Really? Only I love you enough to tell you that your face is beginning to look like your father's elbow.
Bye! That's my mom she hones in on your deepest insecurity then walks away like an action hero.
Good evening, Maya.
As always, thank you again for watching Jake.
Oh, if you really want to thank me, try gift cards, man.
Kidding! Oh! Oh! A hug.
Okay.
Sweet.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Your mother is not so bad.
What did you just say to me? Wow.
Whoa.
You know what? I'm so sorry.
It's just I was raised by her.
I'm just saying that we are starting to connect.
She just gave me a hug.
I mean, it was awkward and her arms were kinda dance-y, but it was nice.
Oh, you sweet, unsuspecting man.
That wasn't a hug.
It was a "Fat Pat.
" It's how my mom checks if someone's gained weight.
David would be so embarrassed to know he's put on a few.
And I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.
I'll celebrate this mother-in-law milestone with a milkshake.
Okay, you do that, sweetie.
I see this man naked.
He hasn't put on that much oh! Little more dough in the bro.
David's gaining weight.
I'm getting wrinkles.
Ugh.
I hate when my mom is right.
I wonder if they can suck something out of him and inject it into my laugh lines.
[hip-hop music.]
- - So my mom got me wrinkle cream.
I won't let her get into my head David's either.
I'm not gonna tell him about the Fat Pat.
He's way too sensitive.
I'm gonna be body-positive today.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my God! - [laughter.]
What the [bleep.]
is that [bleep.]
picture doing the [bleep.]
up there? - Nasty.
- [laughing.]
Don't blame us.
They used it on this year's "GamePunch" launch party invite.
Yeah, have a slice of chill pie, okay? We're not just laughing at you.
We're laughing at David, too.
- [laughter.]
- Yeah.
I had to hide that picture from him for a year.
If he sees that, he will spiral.
My husband's vain too.
David's way of dealing with being over 40 is complete denial.
The other day, I caught him on Amazon looking at skateboards.
Not me! Don't use Amazon, and I've never taken a bad picture.
You just gotta know your angles, bitches.
There was no good angle then, bitch.
That was taken right after I had Jake.
David gained 30 pounds, I was getting no sleep, my hair was somehow greasy and dry, and I was just shoveling food down because my body was trying to feed the baby it had made.
- Ooh, yucky.
- Yeah.
It's not yucky, it's life.
Like any of you can do something that amazing with your bodies.
Beg to differ.
I can do this: [beatboxing.]
Those noises are coming from his mouth! That's incredible! [continues beatboxing.]
The human body is amazing.
Okay, I kept a baby alive, but yeah, actually, that was pretty dope.
Okay, you know what? The launch party is gonna be our power couple moment.
This year, Dave and I are gonna take the hottest picture instead of looking like the human rubble left after having kids.
Bam.
You guys just wanna listen to Griff beatbox again, don't you? - It's all I can think about.
- Yes, please.
[beatboxing.]
It really is a miracle! I can't believe the whole company saw that terrible picture.
David would be mortified too.
I've made my appointments: mani-pedi, facial, color, wax.
Now how do I gently tell my husband he also has some work to do? Oh, mama! I combined two lasagna recipes for seven layers of zestiness! Dear God.
Oh, hey, babe, I have an idea.
- What? - Do you know the kids could eat off of that for three days if you and I don't have any and just have that beautiful salad? The kids? Mm-mm.
This is a man's lasagna, and she is wearing $30 worth of bubbly cheese.
And, I am going to undress her with my mouth.
I'm right here.
Looks like your matzo ball of a husband is getting a little junk in the butt.
You gotta train your man.
- Mom.
- [chuckling.]
Well! Hello! who is this ravishing Italian beauty? Hey! [tongue clicks.]
I'll just enjoy your homely, funny friend, salad instead.
See? You nip it in the butt before there's too much butt to nip.
Okay, Mom, that is so controlling and not who I am.
David can make his own healthy, responsible choices You ready for this? [humming rhythm.]
Oh yes.
[grunting.]
Hey, hey! Babe, babe.
Are you sure this is - a healthy relationship? - What are you trying to say? I don't wanna hurt my husband.
I love him.
Plus, when he's hurt, he eats more.
Nothing.
Nothing, no, no, I was like, "When are you gonna let a lady in on this threesome action here?" You know what I mean? - Oh, oh! - Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna - have some! - Well, I'm gonna - get some plates then.
- Okay! Back it up.
- Backing it up.
- Back it up, back it up.
Get away from my man, you saucy bitch.
[clatter.]
No! Sorry, it just slipped.
Salad? [hip-hop music.]
Weird chair, hemorrhoid cream Okay, shouldn't you be working from home? Or the loo? Okay, the yoga ball is for my core, and the cream is for my puffy eyes.
Just shut up and let me live.
Hey Emet, don't forget you're giving a speech to my mentees at the launch party.
They've raised a lot of money to make the trip, and they're super excited.
I'm so excited too.
I love encouraging young women who want to work in tech.
Girls need a strong, smart, stable role model.
You know that's ass cream, right? Huh? Yeah.
Hey, oh! Speaking of ass, how do I tell my husband he's getting a mom butt? - Uh-oh.
- That is a no-win situation.
I mean, if you don't tell him, then he waddles down this chubby path.
If you do tell him, then he recoils every time you touch him.
That's what it's like with me and Mother.
I had this plan in college.
I kinda realized I couldn't get a nine, but I could get a 6 and secretly turn her into a 9 without her ever knowing it by gaslighting her into fixing her flaws.
I called it my 6-to-9 plan.
- That is horrific.
- He's German.
Hey, judge me all you want, but without David ever knowing it, you could get him to eat healthy and exercise, so Okay, I'm listening.
Do I feel guilty about using Griff's awful but brilliant plan? Yes.
But this way, I could turn everyday activities into exercise and spare David's feelings at the same time.
- Oh hey, honey? - Mm-hmm? Could you take out the garbage? Come on, take the bait, take the bait.
Oh! Jesus, these are heavy.
What, did you finally snap and cut up your mom? [forced laughter.]
Oh, God, that's funny! Watch your back and use your glutes.
[grunting.]
I was gonna look younger, and David was gonna look thinner in that party picture.
Who's getting hurt here? Louie's hurt! Louie took a fall.
Okay, okay.
You're gonna be okay.
- [groans.]
Ah - I'm gonna get some ice.
Dad had to carry me from Sycamore Street.
Carrying poor, hurt Louie yeah right.
Dad just got his cardio in.
Call me anytime.
[hip-hop music.]
I even got Lily to convince David he had to learn some moves if he wanted to be a cool dad.
Caroline's dad is amazing at it! - Oh, yeah? - Bye, jelly-belly.
- Yeah - And this way.
In a circle.
Live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up, live it up - Keep going! - Okay! Okay! - You've got this! Keep going! - Okay! - Am I supposed to see stars? - Uh-huh.
Ooh, you got pictures of Lara Croft and Emet.
That's a sad spank bank, man.
No, Norman's asked me to make a presentation for his mentees on female role models.
What? Emet and Chewey are helping out with your mentees? What is this, all hands on deck, except for Griff's hands? What's wrong with Griff's hands? They are attached to a vile misogynist.
I resent that.
I have a lot to teach them.
I'm actually a champion of chicks.
Griff! You woman-hating genius.
- Oh! - Yeah! Yes! Your 6-to-9 plan is totally working.
You did Griff's 6-to-9 plan? The first time he told me about that, I threw up.
But I'm just doing it to help David without shattering his ego.
Once we get that perfect party picture, I'm totally done tricking him.
Actually, we have a wedding in June, so maybe I'm done then.
[whispers.]
Okay, anyway.
Sex tonight! It's good.
It's a lifestyle.
Welcome back, SoulCycle.
Yeah.
Had to take the three speed.
Emet's car wouldn't start, so she took mine, blah blah blah.
I have to say, I prefer the direct approach my wife takes to keeping the jelly off my belly.
- [chuckles.]
- What? Come on, you haven't figured it out, big boy? Emet's got you on a secret weight loss plan.
What? You should have had a clue when Maya gave you that Fat Pat.
Fat Pat? It's a hug she gives you to check if and where you've put on weight.
I thought that hug meant something.
I called my mother about that hug.
Emet knew about this? Hello, boys.
Your hug was a lie! And I thought that we were getting closer.
We were getting closer, beta.
You were expanding towards me.
Hey, sweetie! Can you just help me with the diaper Oh no, I'm caught, aren't I? - Diaper bag, hmm? - Oh Unbelievable! How could you? Okay.
Well, enjoy your marriage! Mm-hmm.
So you agree with your mother Instead of coming and talking to me, you resort to tricks? Okay David, listen to me.
I know that's how it looks, because that is what I did.
But I was just trying to spare your feelings.
- Okay? Look, I was bummed - Oh! about that bad picture, and I just wanted a good picture of us this year.
Do you know how this feels? I'm being judged solely on how I look.
Do I know how it feels? Yeah, David, I'm a woman! You've questioned your looks for like six seconds.
I've been doing it since Barbie went to the beach.
The whole world is a Fat Pat for a woman.
Do you know that there is a Spanx store at the airport? Doesn't matter where we're going, - we just have to get there thin! - And I've noticed they're always next to a Wetzel's Pretzels, - which is kinda mixed messagey.
- And, yes, okay? I tricked you, but only because I know how awful it feels to have someone point out your flaws.
So, you know what? You're welcome.
Because now, we won't go to that party looking like Shrek and Fiona like last year.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
[gasps.]
Oh my God! Okay, we're gonna get you that good picture.
- Thank you! - That has to go.
Oh, I love you! Come here.
- Five squats.
- Okay.
Norman, you can't keep me away from your little girls.
Sorry, Karen.
Work stuff.
Griff, why does this matter to you? 'Cause I like to win, okay? Anyway, it doesn't really matter, because somebody special heard me beatboxing in the men's room and asked me to DJ the launch party.
Oh! Ha ha.
I'm gonna address those mentees.
And it's gonna be through music.
Griff, if wanna help those girls, stop making this about you.
Yeah, see by removing yourself, you're doing what's right for the children.
Or at least that's what my dad said when he left.
Karen, will you just pick a yogurt? I like yogurt.
Yogurt.
You know what yogurt means, right? She's ovulating.
You are just nothing but red flags.
[techno music.]
Hey, since we're already sweaty, do you wanna send your parents home and take your husband's new body out for a joyride? Yeah, I can get into that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, stop tonguing, sickos.
And give Daddy some of that green slop.
He needs it.
All right.
May the force be with you.
Wowee! That is potent.
Both: Mm-hmm.
- [intestines grumble.]
- And fast.
Oh that is TMI.
Whoo! All right, home stretch day.
I'm getting waxed, wrapped, peeled, scraped, moisturized, and spat on that's just 'cause the facialist has a lisp.
Sweetie, do you think I need any of that stuff? Sweetie, stop.
You're doing great.
No, no, no.
Don't coddle me.
Society doesn't coddle you.
See, I listen to you.
Give it to me.
Come on, hit me.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Your forehead's shiny, and you're getting Muppet eyebrows.
- Don't look at me! - I'll call my people.
[Latin music.]
- Mm - Mmm! [both grunting.]
Babe, I really appreciate you doing this.
Now you understand what I go through all the time.
[muttering.]
I love you.
Mmm [moaning and grunting continues.]
See? That is why I want you to come and live with me.
Uh-uh-uh! Hey, honey, I'm gonna do one last apricot scrub, really try to beat back this forehead shine.
Oh! Door! Door! Why you are eating cake in a room made for the opposite of eating? Maya wants me to eat healthy, okay? And I'm fine with that.
I want to live as long as possible.
But, I also want to enjoy my life.
So I had to find a balance.
And that balance is toilet cake.
- Oh.
- So, shhhh.
[toilet flushing.]
David and I had been working on ourselves for weeks, and now it's time to party.
[upbeat music.]
No fair.
Dad gets to wear makeup and I don't? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's bronzer.
I know I started this, but I'm begging you, change.
You've gone too far.
- Okay - I feel good.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Wow.
You guys look great.
Absolutely rrr-avishing.
- [kiss.]
- Thanks, bro.
- [mimics explosion.]
- You know what? You can stay up as late as you want.
- I like it.
- 'Kay? 'Night.
Pretty sure that valet guy was super into me.
Same, 'cause we sexy like that.
We are sexy like that.
Oh, wait, am I the only one in the room with cleavage? [techno music.]
Is it possible we over-shot it? Wow, guys.
- Hey! - This is so funny.
Sorry, explain it to me.
You two look insane because You mean we look hot? You look like if Miami was a person.
Ugh yes, yes, we do.
And we need to go before they get another picture of us.
One that makes us look like shallow idiots.
- We look hot.
- You can't leave.
The girls I'm mentoring are here, and you're supposed to talk to them.
Also, a journalist from "Recode" is here, and she's covering the whole thing.
Ahh.
Okay, I did not know that.
I look forward to speaking with them.
Oh, come on! It's okay, it's okay.
I just I don't wanna send the wrong message to these girls.
You know what, you look great.
I can fix it! I can fix it! Okay, whoa! Really? Yeah, right here.
Okay, hold that.
I am still gonna be an empowered role model and maybe even get my perfect picture.
I do not like how much I like these.
- David.
- Sorry.
Look, I think that you are overreacting, we do not look as bad as you think you we do No, seriously, look around and we - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! Yup.
Okay, I see it now.
I completely over-douched.
We both did.
Give me your reading glasses! Okay.
Do I look smarter? Uh no.
You look like the beginning of library porn.
Which, you know not so bad.
Are you ready? I can't stall that reporter any longer.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Ready to inspire the next generation of auto-show models.
Ah! Okay, all right! New plan, forget it.
New plan! Putting it all back in and pretending it is a feminist lesson.
Boom! [clicks tongue.]
Let's go.
Go get 'em, I think.
Okay.
And sweetie, you forgot your big, fake boobs! Karen, lovely to see you again.
I thought for a long time about the perfect thing to say to you young women.
But then, I realized words aren't enough, so I went with this.
And what is "this" saying? Hmm? What? What? What? What? Ahhh-ha-haaaa! It is saying you do not have to dress like this to get ahead.
[clapping.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah, we know that.
Can you give us a better insight? 'Cause we sold candy bars in some really sketchy places to be here.
I saw a guy get knifed.
Umm quick reminder that reporter is live-tweeting all of this, so please tell me that you have something else to say.
I do yeah.
Just give me a second.
Oh, God, I'm blowing this.
I'm supposed to be a role model, an accomplished woman that these girls can look up to.
Okay, powerful statement coming in three, two nope.
Oooh! Okay, okay, okay, fine! Last year, I took an awful picture, and the guys at work made fun of me, okay? And I just wanted a good one this year.
And yes, I care about being an accomplished woman.
But I also care about how I look, and I just don't think that I should have to feel bad about that.
I feel you.
Someone got a picture of me picking corn out of my braces, and now I'm a "Mondays be like" meme.
My eyebrows got burnt off when I was covering a fire.
I looked like Lex Luthor in a dress in all my wedding pictures.
I am so sorry.
So sorry.
Oh, just thank you for understanding.
Oh! Aww, let's hug.
Okay, what you're all feeling are full-body Spanx.
- I just have to ask.
- Yes.
Did someone here make you feel like you had to dress like this? Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That guy, mustache.
Okay, he didn't.
But it's Griff.
So, I'm okay with whatever happens next.
[dance music.]
Oh, hey! What's up little ladies? Any requests? You're revolting! Men like you are the reason we're changing the world.
We're gonna run this company one day.
So you better get used to it! Huh.
See that? I knew I had something to contribute to your mentees, Norman.
Without guys like me, there is no women's movement.
I'm like I inspire them.
I'm the hero, because I'm the villain.
Yeah! - Wow, that guy is incredible - Horrific.
- Horrific.
- Horrific.
- Oh - Why were we so hard on ourselves back then? Look at my skin.
I wanna lick it.
I did, and it was great.
Oh look at that handsome schmuck.
He probably could have gotten any girl he wanted I mean, that girl was you.
And so, he did.
- You know what's sad? - Hmm? Right now's the best we'll ever look.
I disagree with [burp.]
Whoa! You're right, we're not turning this thing around.
We're on a luge to death.
Maybe that's why we got so carried away.
But you know what? As long as we're into each other, we're good.
Although, one more of those demon burps, and this house of cards tumbles.
[laughing.]
It's not good.
Well, if I have to get old, I am glad that I get to do it with you.
[bottles clink.]
Let's just be honest with each other, please? No more Fat Pats, no secret bathroom eating.
Oh toilet cake? I mean, where does the cake come from? Does he sneak it in there? Or does he store the cake in the bathroom? Some mysteries are never meant to be solved.
[pop music.]
I got a happy, happy hangover [sighs.]
You had to put it up.
We're sorry you didn't get the perfect photo, but you do look like a very capable woman.
Capable of guarding a bridge.
Okay, you know what? Shut up, Griff.
I don't care what you think, 'cause someday 20 years from now when I see that picture I'm gonna think: "Damn, I was hot.
" Yeah.
That's the way to look at it, old girl.
Harvard.
I know you'll never admit it, but I know you care about me and I care about you.
So I'm actually gonna give you a sincere hug.
Here it comes.
You're a good man, man.
Well Oh.
Good night.
Well, hey.
Did you see that? - I did.
- Did you see the hair tousle? She thinks you're going bald.
But even after three kids and a stressful-ass job, I feel pretty good.
Oh! I almost forgot, beta, I got you a gift.
Oh, that's nice.
Thanks, Mom.
Anti-aging serum for dry, dull skin by Susan Sarandon.
Really? Only I love you enough to tell you that your face is beginning to look like your father's elbow.
Bye! That's my mom she hones in on your deepest insecurity then walks away like an action hero.
Good evening, Maya.
As always, thank you again for watching Jake.
Oh, if you really want to thank me, try gift cards, man.
Kidding! Oh! Oh! A hug.
Okay.
Sweet.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Your mother is not so bad.
What did you just say to me? Wow.
Whoa.
You know what? I'm so sorry.
It's just I was raised by her.
I'm just saying that we are starting to connect.
She just gave me a hug.
I mean, it was awkward and her arms were kinda dance-y, but it was nice.
Oh, you sweet, unsuspecting man.
That wasn't a hug.
It was a "Fat Pat.
" It's how my mom checks if someone's gained weight.
David would be so embarrassed to know he's put on a few.
And I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.
I'll celebrate this mother-in-law milestone with a milkshake.
Okay, you do that, sweetie.
I see this man naked.
He hasn't put on that much oh! Little more dough in the bro.
David's gaining weight.
I'm getting wrinkles.
Ugh.
I hate when my mom is right.
I wonder if they can suck something out of him and inject it into my laugh lines.
[hip-hop music.]
- - So my mom got me wrinkle cream.
I won't let her get into my head David's either.
I'm not gonna tell him about the Fat Pat.
He's way too sensitive.
I'm gonna be body-positive today.
- [gasps.]
Oh, my God! - [laughter.]
What the [bleep.]
is that [bleep.]
picture doing the [bleep.]
up there? - Nasty.
- [laughing.]
Don't blame us.
They used it on this year's "GamePunch" launch party invite.
Yeah, have a slice of chill pie, okay? We're not just laughing at you.
We're laughing at David, too.
- [laughter.]
- Yeah.
I had to hide that picture from him for a year.
If he sees that, he will spiral.
My husband's vain too.
David's way of dealing with being over 40 is complete denial.
The other day, I caught him on Amazon looking at skateboards.
Not me! Don't use Amazon, and I've never taken a bad picture.
You just gotta know your angles, bitches.
There was no good angle then, bitch.
That was taken right after I had Jake.
David gained 30 pounds, I was getting no sleep, my hair was somehow greasy and dry, and I was just shoveling food down because my body was trying to feed the baby it had made.
- Ooh, yucky.
- Yeah.
It's not yucky, it's life.
Like any of you can do something that amazing with your bodies.
Beg to differ.
I can do this: [beatboxing.]
Those noises are coming from his mouth! That's incredible! [continues beatboxing.]
The human body is amazing.
Okay, I kept a baby alive, but yeah, actually, that was pretty dope.
Okay, you know what? The launch party is gonna be our power couple moment.
This year, Dave and I are gonna take the hottest picture instead of looking like the human rubble left after having kids.
Bam.
You guys just wanna listen to Griff beatbox again, don't you? - It's all I can think about.
- Yes, please.
[beatboxing.]
It really is a miracle! I can't believe the whole company saw that terrible picture.
David would be mortified too.
I've made my appointments: mani-pedi, facial, color, wax.
Now how do I gently tell my husband he also has some work to do? Oh, mama! I combined two lasagna recipes for seven layers of zestiness! Dear God.
Oh, hey, babe, I have an idea.
- What? - Do you know the kids could eat off of that for three days if you and I don't have any and just have that beautiful salad? The kids? Mm-mm.
This is a man's lasagna, and she is wearing $30 worth of bubbly cheese.
And, I am going to undress her with my mouth.
I'm right here.
Looks like your matzo ball of a husband is getting a little junk in the butt.
You gotta train your man.
- Mom.
- [chuckling.]
Well! Hello! who is this ravishing Italian beauty? Hey! [tongue clicks.]
I'll just enjoy your homely, funny friend, salad instead.
See? You nip it in the butt before there's too much butt to nip.
Okay, Mom, that is so controlling and not who I am.
David can make his own healthy, responsible choices You ready for this? [humming rhythm.]
Oh yes.
[grunting.]
Hey, hey! Babe, babe.
Are you sure this is - a healthy relationship? - What are you trying to say? I don't wanna hurt my husband.
I love him.
Plus, when he's hurt, he eats more.
Nothing.
Nothing, no, no, I was like, "When are you gonna let a lady in on this threesome action here?" You know what I mean? - Oh, oh! - Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna - have some! - Well, I'm gonna - get some plates then.
- Okay! Back it up.
- Backing it up.
- Back it up, back it up.
Get away from my man, you saucy bitch.
[clatter.]
No! Sorry, it just slipped.
Salad? [hip-hop music.]
Weird chair, hemorrhoid cream Okay, shouldn't you be working from home? Or the loo? Okay, the yoga ball is for my core, and the cream is for my puffy eyes.
Just shut up and let me live.
Hey Emet, don't forget you're giving a speech to my mentees at the launch party.
They've raised a lot of money to make the trip, and they're super excited.
I'm so excited too.
I love encouraging young women who want to work in tech.
Girls need a strong, smart, stable role model.
You know that's ass cream, right? Huh? Yeah.
Hey, oh! Speaking of ass, how do I tell my husband he's getting a mom butt? - Uh-oh.
- That is a no-win situation.
I mean, if you don't tell him, then he waddles down this chubby path.
If you do tell him, then he recoils every time you touch him.
That's what it's like with me and Mother.
I had this plan in college.
I kinda realized I couldn't get a nine, but I could get a 6 and secretly turn her into a 9 without her ever knowing it by gaslighting her into fixing her flaws.
I called it my 6-to-9 plan.
- That is horrific.
- He's German.
Hey, judge me all you want, but without David ever knowing it, you could get him to eat healthy and exercise, so Okay, I'm listening.
Do I feel guilty about using Griff's awful but brilliant plan? Yes.
But this way, I could turn everyday activities into exercise and spare David's feelings at the same time.
- Oh hey, honey? - Mm-hmm? Could you take out the garbage? Come on, take the bait, take the bait.
Oh! Jesus, these are heavy.
What, did you finally snap and cut up your mom? [forced laughter.]
Oh, God, that's funny! Watch your back and use your glutes.
[grunting.]
I was gonna look younger, and David was gonna look thinner in that party picture.
Who's getting hurt here? Louie's hurt! Louie took a fall.
Okay, okay.
You're gonna be okay.
- [groans.]
Ah - I'm gonna get some ice.
Dad had to carry me from Sycamore Street.
Carrying poor, hurt Louie yeah right.
Dad just got his cardio in.
Call me anytime.
[hip-hop music.]
I even got Lily to convince David he had to learn some moves if he wanted to be a cool dad.
Caroline's dad is amazing at it! - Oh, yeah? - Bye, jelly-belly.
- Yeah - And this way.
In a circle.
Live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up Live it up, live it up, live it up - Keep going! - Okay! Okay! - You've got this! Keep going! - Okay! - Am I supposed to see stars? - Uh-huh.
Ooh, you got pictures of Lara Croft and Emet.
That's a sad spank bank, man.
No, Norman's asked me to make a presentation for his mentees on female role models.
What? Emet and Chewey are helping out with your mentees? What is this, all hands on deck, except for Griff's hands? What's wrong with Griff's hands? They are attached to a vile misogynist.
I resent that.
I have a lot to teach them.
I'm actually a champion of chicks.
Griff! You woman-hating genius.
- Oh! - Yeah! Yes! Your 6-to-9 plan is totally working.
You did Griff's 6-to-9 plan? The first time he told me about that, I threw up.
But I'm just doing it to help David without shattering his ego.
Once we get that perfect party picture, I'm totally done tricking him.
Actually, we have a wedding in June, so maybe I'm done then.
[whispers.]
Okay, anyway.
Sex tonight! It's good.
It's a lifestyle.
Welcome back, SoulCycle.
Yeah.
Had to take the three speed.
Emet's car wouldn't start, so she took mine, blah blah blah.
I have to say, I prefer the direct approach my wife takes to keeping the jelly off my belly.
- [chuckles.]
- What? Come on, you haven't figured it out, big boy? Emet's got you on a secret weight loss plan.
What? You should have had a clue when Maya gave you that Fat Pat.
Fat Pat? It's a hug she gives you to check if and where you've put on weight.
I thought that hug meant something.
I called my mother about that hug.
Emet knew about this? Hello, boys.
Your hug was a lie! And I thought that we were getting closer.
We were getting closer, beta.
You were expanding towards me.
Hey, sweetie! Can you just help me with the diaper Oh no, I'm caught, aren't I? - Diaper bag, hmm? - Oh Unbelievable! How could you? Okay.
Well, enjoy your marriage! Mm-hmm.
So you agree with your mother Instead of coming and talking to me, you resort to tricks? Okay David, listen to me.
I know that's how it looks, because that is what I did.
But I was just trying to spare your feelings.
- Okay? Look, I was bummed - Oh! about that bad picture, and I just wanted a good picture of us this year.
Do you know how this feels? I'm being judged solely on how I look.
Do I know how it feels? Yeah, David, I'm a woman! You've questioned your looks for like six seconds.
I've been doing it since Barbie went to the beach.
The whole world is a Fat Pat for a woman.
Do you know that there is a Spanx store at the airport? Doesn't matter where we're going, - we just have to get there thin! - And I've noticed they're always next to a Wetzel's Pretzels, - which is kinda mixed messagey.
- And, yes, okay? I tricked you, but only because I know how awful it feels to have someone point out your flaws.
So, you know what? You're welcome.
Because now, we won't go to that party looking like Shrek and Fiona like last year.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
[gasps.]
Oh my God! Okay, we're gonna get you that good picture.
- Thank you! - That has to go.
Oh, I love you! Come here.
- Five squats.
- Okay.
Norman, you can't keep me away from your little girls.
Sorry, Karen.
Work stuff.
Griff, why does this matter to you? 'Cause I like to win, okay? Anyway, it doesn't really matter, because somebody special heard me beatboxing in the men's room and asked me to DJ the launch party.
Oh! Ha ha.
I'm gonna address those mentees.
And it's gonna be through music.
Griff, if wanna help those girls, stop making this about you.
Yeah, see by removing yourself, you're doing what's right for the children.
Or at least that's what my dad said when he left.
Karen, will you just pick a yogurt? I like yogurt.
Yogurt.
You know what yogurt means, right? She's ovulating.
You are just nothing but red flags.
[techno music.]
Hey, since we're already sweaty, do you wanna send your parents home and take your husband's new body out for a joyride? Yeah, I can get into that.
Oh, yes.
Oh, stop tonguing, sickos.
And give Daddy some of that green slop.
He needs it.
All right.
May the force be with you.
Wowee! That is potent.
Both: Mm-hmm.
- [intestines grumble.]
- And fast.
Oh that is TMI.
Whoo! All right, home stretch day.
I'm getting waxed, wrapped, peeled, scraped, moisturized, and spat on that's just 'cause the facialist has a lisp.
Sweetie, do you think I need any of that stuff? Sweetie, stop.
You're doing great.
No, no, no.
Don't coddle me.
Society doesn't coddle you.
See, I listen to you.
Give it to me.
Come on, hit me.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Your forehead's shiny, and you're getting Muppet eyebrows.
- Don't look at me! - I'll call my people.
[Latin music.]
- Mm - Mmm! [both grunting.]
Babe, I really appreciate you doing this.
Now you understand what I go through all the time.
[muttering.]
I love you.
Mmm [moaning and grunting continues.]
See? That is why I want you to come and live with me.
Uh-uh-uh! Hey, honey, I'm gonna do one last apricot scrub, really try to beat back this forehead shine.
Oh! Door! Door! Why you are eating cake in a room made for the opposite of eating? Maya wants me to eat healthy, okay? And I'm fine with that.
I want to live as long as possible.
But, I also want to enjoy my life.
So I had to find a balance.
And that balance is toilet cake.
- Oh.
- So, shhhh.
[toilet flushing.]
David and I had been working on ourselves for weeks, and now it's time to party.
[upbeat music.]
No fair.
Dad gets to wear makeup and I don't? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's bronzer.
I know I started this, but I'm begging you, change.
You've gone too far.
- Okay - I feel good.
Yeah, not gonna happen.
Wow.
You guys look great.
Absolutely rrr-avishing.
- [kiss.]
- Thanks, bro.
- [mimics explosion.]
- You know what? You can stay up as late as you want.
- I like it.
- 'Kay? 'Night.
Pretty sure that valet guy was super into me.
Same, 'cause we sexy like that.
We are sexy like that.
Oh, wait, am I the only one in the room with cleavage? [techno music.]
Is it possible we over-shot it? Wow, guys.
- Hey! - This is so funny.
Sorry, explain it to me.
You two look insane because You mean we look hot? You look like if Miami was a person.
Ugh yes, yes, we do.
And we need to go before they get another picture of us.
One that makes us look like shallow idiots.
- We look hot.
- You can't leave.
The girls I'm mentoring are here, and you're supposed to talk to them.
Also, a journalist from "Recode" is here, and she's covering the whole thing.
Ahh.
Okay, I did not know that.
I look forward to speaking with them.
Oh, come on! It's okay, it's okay.
I just I don't wanna send the wrong message to these girls.
You know what, you look great.
I can fix it! I can fix it! Okay, whoa! Really? Yeah, right here.
Okay, hold that.
I am still gonna be an empowered role model and maybe even get my perfect picture.
I do not like how much I like these.
- David.
- Sorry.
Look, I think that you are overreacting, we do not look as bad as you think you we do No, seriously, look around and we - Oh, yeah! - Yeah! Yup.
Okay, I see it now.
I completely over-douched.
We both did.
Give me your reading glasses! Okay.
Do I look smarter? Uh no.
You look like the beginning of library porn.
Which, you know not so bad.
Are you ready? I can't stall that reporter any longer.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Ready to inspire the next generation of auto-show models.
Ah! Okay, all right! New plan, forget it.
New plan! Putting it all back in and pretending it is a feminist lesson.
Boom! [clicks tongue.]
Let's go.
Go get 'em, I think.
Okay.
And sweetie, you forgot your big, fake boobs! Karen, lovely to see you again.
I thought for a long time about the perfect thing to say to you young women.
But then, I realized words aren't enough, so I went with this.
And what is "this" saying? Hmm? What? What? What? What? Ahhh-ha-haaaa! It is saying you do not have to dress like this to get ahead.
[clapping.]
- Thank you.
- Yeah, we know that.
Can you give us a better insight? 'Cause we sold candy bars in some really sketchy places to be here.
I saw a guy get knifed.
Umm quick reminder that reporter is live-tweeting all of this, so please tell me that you have something else to say.
I do yeah.
Just give me a second.
Oh, God, I'm blowing this.
I'm supposed to be a role model, an accomplished woman that these girls can look up to.
Okay, powerful statement coming in three, two nope.
Oooh! Okay, okay, okay, fine! Last year, I took an awful picture, and the guys at work made fun of me, okay? And I just wanted a good one this year.
And yes, I care about being an accomplished woman.
But I also care about how I look, and I just don't think that I should have to feel bad about that.
I feel you.
Someone got a picture of me picking corn out of my braces, and now I'm a "Mondays be like" meme.
My eyebrows got burnt off when I was covering a fire.
I looked like Lex Luthor in a dress in all my wedding pictures.
I am so sorry.
So sorry.
Oh, just thank you for understanding.
Oh! Aww, let's hug.
Okay, what you're all feeling are full-body Spanx.
- I just have to ask.
- Yes.
Did someone here make you feel like you had to dress like this? Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That guy, mustache.
Okay, he didn't.
But it's Griff.
So, I'm okay with whatever happens next.
[dance music.]
Oh, hey! What's up little ladies? Any requests? You're revolting! Men like you are the reason we're changing the world.
We're gonna run this company one day.
So you better get used to it! Huh.
See that? I knew I had something to contribute to your mentees, Norman.
Without guys like me, there is no women's movement.
I'm like I inspire them.
I'm the hero, because I'm the villain.
Yeah! - Wow, that guy is incredible - Horrific.
- Horrific.
- Horrific.
- Oh - Why were we so hard on ourselves back then? Look at my skin.
I wanna lick it.
I did, and it was great.
Oh look at that handsome schmuck.
He probably could have gotten any girl he wanted I mean, that girl was you.
And so, he did.
- You know what's sad? - Hmm? Right now's the best we'll ever look.
I disagree with [burp.]
Whoa! You're right, we're not turning this thing around.
We're on a luge to death.
Maybe that's why we got so carried away.
But you know what? As long as we're into each other, we're good.
Although, one more of those demon burps, and this house of cards tumbles.
[laughing.]
It's not good.
Well, if I have to get old, I am glad that I get to do it with you.
[bottles clink.]
Let's just be honest with each other, please? No more Fat Pats, no secret bathroom eating.
Oh toilet cake? I mean, where does the cake come from? Does he sneak it in there? Or does he store the cake in the bathroom? Some mysteries are never meant to be solved.
[pop music.]
I got a happy, happy hangover [sighs.]
You had to put it up.
We're sorry you didn't get the perfect photo, but you do look like a very capable woman.
Capable of guarding a bridge.
Okay, you know what? Shut up, Griff.
I don't care what you think, 'cause someday 20 years from now when I see that picture I'm gonna think: "Damn, I was hot.
" Yeah.
That's the way to look at it, old girl.
Harvard.
I know you'll never admit it, but I know you care about me and I care about you.
So I'm actually gonna give you a sincere hug.
Here it comes.
You're a good man, man.
Well Oh.
Good night.
Well, hey.
Did you see that? - I did.
- Did you see the hair tousle? She thinks you're going bald.