I Just Want My Pants Back (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

1 No, there's nothing wrong with me, except that I'm jobless and still interested in girls, which is like being dead and still wanting to breathe.
You know, sitting in a sea full of cargo-shorted boys isn't helping me forget about Brett.
Jane, hey.
Oh.
Sorry.
I thought you were somebody else.
Hey, healthy breakfa.
You getting ready for a triathlon or something? Where have you been? We said 9:30, Jay.
I'm the one who shows up late.
Everything's changing.
Sorry.
I had to do a thing.
What thing? Your thing? No.
Look, I learned two lessons in camp How to make lanyards, and never admit to masturbating.
I was online looking at job listings.
Okay, and by the way, you're supposed to be nice to your unemployed, quasi-desperate friends.
What's up? Why are you so cranky? I have a problem.
Yeah.
Clearly.
What? Something's wrong Down there.
Oh, my God.
Are you pregnant? No.
Not unless I'm having a fire baby.
I'm scared I have something, Jay.
It's really bad.
It's bumpy, like Crotch braille.
Eww.
And if a blind person read it, it would say, "help me.
I'm dying, and I hate you.
" you know, a lot of really great people had STDs.
- George Washington, Napoleon - Don't joke.
I'm super uncomfortable.
I stole some girl's lean cuisine out of the freezer at work yesterday and sat on it.
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
It's all gonna be fine.
I'm sure it's nothing.
But why are we going to a clinic? I have, like, hit by a bus insurance, or bit by a tiger insurance.
When you go to the lady doctor, you pay in full, and it's like $300.
We should've been Canadian.
Yeah, still not worth it.
Maybe those are good news tears.
Oh, God, this is so unfair.
I went to a good college.
I've never had unprotected sex.
Well, not never.
But still, I'm not some clinic person! Oh, no offense.
Oh, hello.
Of course you're here, lench.
You're a walking herpie.
Ha ha, no.
I volunteer here.
I do.
Looks great on the res.
Plus, lench likes to give back.
One love, y'all.
Hey, Jay.
Hey, guy who's responsible for my unemployment.
He's saying you're a douche in his nice, raised-in-the-midwest way.
Look, I feel mildly bad about that.
I'm not a monster.
Actually, I might know of a job for you.
Yeah.
An old colleague of mine is looking to hire someone to help de-clutter her place.
I could text you her info if you're interested.
I'm broke, I'm stealing toilet paper from fast food places.
I'd do almost anything for money at this point, so, yeah, I'm interested, thanks.
No prob.
Lench cleans his messes.
All right, I got to jet upstate to an all-natural shoot.
We're doing a spread where a super-hot wilco groupie helps a horse birth a foal.
Boing, neigh, nipples.
Let's get out of here.
Just do what I do See Eric.
Ugh, fine.
There's only one way I'm gonna be able to handle that.
Here you go.
Ugh.
Okay, I'm ready.
Jay, out.
Well, best of luck.
This is literally my worst nightmare.
Teen, I'm not just a friend.
I'm a doctor.
Almost.
I can help you.
No one is judging you.
Okay.
All right.
Okay Eew.
Gee thanks, stace.
No, it looks Pretty.
Ugh Okay, uh Here's the deal.
It looks like you have what we medical types call "the little c," chlamydia.
No.
Don't panic.
That's, like, the best STD you can get.
Are you sure? I mean, you used to party a lot, and you've had those glasses a while.
I'm sorry, but I'm sure.
Uh, just in case, let me take a picture to, uh, show my colleagues at school.
This better not end up on some weird fetish site.
Can't make any promises.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Oh, crap, this is blurry.
Angle your hips more towards the light, teen.
Got it.
It just looks angry.
Yeah, I'm a surprisingly good cleaning person.
Okay, great.
I'm looking forward to meeting you too.
Bye.
Who was that? Uh, just a job possibility.
Nothing huge.
So what's going on? - Chlamydia.
Nailed it.
- Wash your hands.
Now what do I do? Antibiotics.
It's totally treatable, don't worry.
What you also need to do is tell any partners in the past year they should see a doctor.
It's protocol.
Oh Just make it your Facebook status.
- Jay.
- What? Too soon? Hi, um, I'm here to clean Gwen donahue's apartment.
Hi, I'm Gwen.
- Hi.
- You must be Jason.
- Yeah.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Come on in.
So what do you think? Is it, "wow, this is a busy person whose life has gotten away from her" messy, or is it "a two-part episode of hoarders" messy? If you want to run away shrieking, I'll understand.
No, please, this is like, you know, there's barely anything to do.
Hmm.
You're cute when you lie.
Does 200 a day sound fair? Um, really super fair.
Great.
Let's start in the bedroom.
I've kind of let things go a little bit in here.
Okay, well, I'll, uh, get things back.
Think of it this way You get to reconnect with all those people you had fun times with.
It's like a slightly icky High School reunion.
What do you mean, "all those?" How many guys do you think I've slept with? Stacey, my favorite.
Tina Ugh.
Can you not be annoying today? Like you, no.
So, answer me, stace.
How many guys do you think I've had sex with this year? Uh 17? I've had sex with three guys, okay? Two randos and Brett.
What about the swedish guy with the white belt? Or the DJ who spins "brunch techno"? No! Jesus! How big of a slut do you think I am? Why don't you just ask me if I've had sex with Bobby? Okay, you know, I'm right here.
And I would not have sex with you, okay, Tina? Stacey, you, yes.
You, I would clean like a cat does its young.
Eww.
Look, I flirt, I make out, I don't bang everybody.
Just the two and Brett Who reemerged the other day and sent me chocolates.
I thought that was totally over.
It is, but, you know, that's our rhythm.
We fight, we don't talk, and then one of us breaks, and suddenly we're drinking wine and eating flan somewhere.
His note said he misses my caramel center.
He's gonna be bummed when he finds out, oops, that's not caramel.
Oh, God, you're right.
That's gonna be hard.
Well, I'll be your bad news buddy.
We'll start with Brett, rip the band-aid off, and everyone else will be easy.
I guess.
Okay, I'll just give change to the uninfested one.
Wow, it looks great.
I haven't seen a bed that inviting in years.
Kinda makes me want to try it out.
Oh, okay, well, I'll just get out of your way, and start in the living room, then.
You Smell pine fresh.
Oh, that's the, uh, floor cleaner.
My deodorant's, uh, winter blast, but does, like, winter really have a smell? Mm-mm.
So, you didn't mean try it out by napping, huh? Mm-mm.
Keep the gloves on.
Okay, let's go.
This is it.
Brett's building.
Be strong, teen.
This is the right thing to do.
I know, I know, it's just, uh Doing the right thing pretty much means I'm never gonna hang out with him ever again.
Know what I mean? Do you really care about that? I don't know.
Maybe.
I just I didn't think it was over-over yet.
But I I guess it is now.
You know what? Let's, um Let's come back to him.
Let's start with someone else.
In fact, let's just start tomorrow.
Teen, wait up.
No, come on.
You're done.
It's yabba dabba doo time.
Day's over.
Okay, well, I didn't really get that much finished.
Oh, no, you did plenty.
An amazing job.
Thanks.
I'm just saying it was weird, because not only did I have sex with her, but then she paid me right after.
- What do you guys think? - I think this is good.
Let's talk about someone else's shame for a minute.
What are you asking, Jay? Are you saying she paid you for sex? You just hooked up with your boss, everyone does it.
For the record, I've never hooked up with my boss.
How's this? Why do you look so big love? I want to look pure, like they gave it to me.
Uh-uh.
A little culty.
Let me ask you, Jay, is she hot? Yeah, totally.
Really cute.
There you have it.
Hot women don't pay for it.
Except on showtime.
Also, no offense, Jay, but I don't really see you as the male escort type.
You're a little too bony.
Yeah, male prostitutes are, like, a little more Hugh Jackman-ish.
Okay, guys.
I'm sure you're right.
That's better.
Prim, cute, disease-free.
Like a celeb going to court for a dui.
Good.
Now bring me the frozen peas.
Ah, the intern.
Yeah.
Okay, this is gonna be a hard conversation.
Hit it head on.
Come in.
Uh, hey, Kent.
Tina.
What are you doing here? I need to tell you something.
So, uh How are you? I'm f I'm fine.
What's Going on? Are you okay? You're nice, Kent.
You've always been nice.
Nice, young, clean virgin.
Not anymore.
Uh, it's funny in life how you meet all kinds of people.
People who leave a lasting impression on you.
Or in you.
So, uh Kent, listen up.
You may have an STD.
Chlamydia.
What? Yeah.
You should go see student health.
Tina is really, really sorry.
It's a big bummer.
Have a good one.
Nice quilt.
Uh, you're probably fine.
I mean, what are the odds of you getting it on your first try, right? Bye.
That was a little abrupt, stace.
Sorry, but I have to study later.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I, uh, thought we'd start in the office today.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Uh, so, it's right in here.
I think there's a desk under there somewhere.
But let me know if you find any bodies or oversized rodents.
If I do, you'll hear the sound of girls sobbing.
It'll be me.
Unless I actually find a sobbing girl, in which case it'll be both of us.
Okay.
Good luck.
Oh.
Hey, Dev.
Can I get your opinion on something quick? Yeah, what's going on? Yeah, I'm trying to diagnose a friend of mine.
This is the little c, right? Oh Yeah, dude, def.
Chlamydia city.
That's what I thought.
Thanks.
- New phone.
Rad.
- Oh, yeah.
Look at these effects.
Now it looks like I took it in the '70s, right? Whoa.
Uh, you didn't hit that, did you? What I'm trying to say is you should see a doctor, Heinrich, because you may have it too.
Yeah, we go out again.
No, listen, you may have disease.
Penis disease.
I don't, um Verstehe.
Pictionary it.
You oww.
See doctor.
Doc-Tor.
Oh, verflucht.
Oh, hey.
Look.
It was a desk after all.
Lucky for us.
Here.
Sanitize up.
Oh, I can go wash.
This only kills 99% of germs.
I like to murder them all.
Do your hands.
Yeah.
Like that.
Now, do your chest.
There you go.
You're a good boy, aren't you? Okay, it's definitely happening.
I'm being paid for sex.
Come on, man, you don't have the guns.
No, I'm telling you.
We had sex again, and this time, she paid me more than we agreed on.
So? This time I also did more.
- What more? - Mouth stuff.
Extra for that? Seems standard.
Although I am a generous lover.
Holy crap, Jay, you're really getting paid to do it.
I know, it's crazy, dude.
It's bad-crazy.
Is it? Or is it actually kinda awesome? Hypothetically speaking, I could say that you're making a living doing something you love.
Is that so terrible? Yeah, no, it's not like I'm some Russian sex slave being forced to give a wall street dude a putin.
But it is exchanging dollars for dong.
Yes, but let's step back, look at this objectively.
Maybe it's okay.
Modern.
Dutch.
Other than this, she is pretty cool and normal.
Compared to the other misfit toys you usually bed, she kind of sounds like a winner.
She's attractive and wealthy.
- Messy, but working on it.
- Yeah.
Plus, I need this job.
I'm I'm living on noodles and butter.
I crave tomato sauce.
I'm scared I may have scurvy.
Yeah, it sounds acceptable.
Short-term acceptable.
But in this rosy scenario, if you were to write my job down on a resume, it'd still be "male hooker," though, right? Yes.
But, like, "modern hipster hooker.
" You know? "Coachella hooker.
" Okay But still, I'm a hooker.
- I think I gotta quit.
- Yup.
Hi.
This is a little uncomfortable, but, uh, can I talk to you for a second? Can it wait? 'Cause I'm on my way out.
No, look, it's just that we're We're having sex.
Great sex, don't get me wrong.
I'm learning things, and then you're paying me.
No judgments, but I don't think I can do that anymore.
Uh, wait, you think that I'm paying you to have sex with me? Well, uh, aren't you? No.
Jesus, no.
I'm paying you to clean.
The sex is separate.
I sleep with you because I like you.
Do you really think I'm the kind of person who needs to pay for sex? I think I made a mistake.
It's just Just so insulting.
I'm sorry, uh, could we just forget the last two minutes? Fine, yeah, just Pick up some cleaning supplies for the bathroom tomorrow and Don't be late.
Hey, lench.
J-bone.
Hey.
Best cleaning job ever, am I right? Tub day, huh? You, sir, are in for some wet and wild lovin', my man.
It's like Gwen has gills.
You'll see.
Wait, you and Gwen? Yeah, I used to clean for her, dude.
It's the first job I got when I moved to the city.
She's a rare and generous employer.
Appreciate her.
- So, you and she - Oh, yeah, dude.
Like apes.
I mean literally like apes.
There were bananas involved, and simple tools.
Eww.
Is this our first cross-pollination? I'm proud to share a flower with you.
Buzz buzz, bitch.
You don't have nearly enough bleach, by the way.
Hey, stace.
Not sure where you are.
I just wanted to let you know I'm about to go to Brett's and, uh, do the right thing.
Even though the right thing sucks it.
But, um, I need to do this alone.
So Bye.
Good morning.
Come in.
Hang on, look.
Gwen, um, I'm here to clean your place, but that's it.
You know, having sex and then getting money, it just feels wrong.
Believe me, I wish it didn't.
So, please, let me earn my pay by just doing what you hired me to do.
Okay? But, that said, I think you're really pretty and cool.
And if, on a non-work night, you'd like to maybe go on a real date, I'd love that.
You're fired.
Hey, grades are up.
- Can I just - Yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
B-minus.
Boom! Yikes.
Another "f.
" Guess who's gonna be selling acuras for his dad.
Hey, Professor Williams? Eric.
What's up? Can I ask you a quick question? Uh, sure.
Ooh Er, I can't talk.
I Hey, you don't have chlamydia.
It's just an irritation from wearing skinny jeans.
So, my "b.
" Wait, what? Hello? Totally fine.
Just a little rash from being a fashionista.
Some hydrocortisone, and you're - Hello? - Yes! Yes! Here you go.
Sorry about the whole "you've got an STD" thing.
My bad.
Yeah, this apology is gonna require more than one of Eric's famous frozen blender drinks.
You're buying me dinner.
Like burritos, or a sit-down dinner? Oh, we will be sitting.
I'm gonna knuckle punch you right in the wallet.
So, teen, after all of this, are you considering getting back together with Brett? Maybe if he woos me.
But it's nice to know I could if I wanted to.
I'm just glad to know I'm not the sexual sad sack anymore.
That honor belongs to gigolo Jay.
Yeah, no, I'm just regular, unemployed Jay again.
Oh, Christ.
I'm gonna end up living in one of your garages.
You're gonna be fine.
You'll find something soon.
And if not, you know, you can always sell your blood and semen.
To a clean start.
In three to five days.
Ooh Really? Just be my friends, guys.
This jacket is giving me heat stroke.
Then take it off, Blaine.
You look like the evil preppy boyfriend in every '80s High School movie ever.
No, I deserve this jacket.
It represents my shame and total unemployability.
Oh, come on, Jay.
It was one bad interview.
You're an Ivy league grad with a good personality and skinny ankles.
Something's bound to come through soon.
I don't know, it's been two weeks, and there's nothing out there.
I may have to sell a kidney.
Sell your hair first.
Start on the outside, work your way in.
Come on, let's go to my place.
I'll order us a pizza and you can spend the whole night telling me how capitalism sucks.
You left the tag on, fatty.
Oh, yeah, I gotta return it.
I'm terrible at returning clothes.
It's like giving up babies.
Once you have one, they're kind of hard to give back.
Um, children are kind of an "all sales final" situation.
Evicted? What the hell? Does this mean you're not buying me pizza? Ugh! Thanks for letting me crash.
Anyway, I didn't have the full rent, so I thought, instead of paying only part, I would wait until I had all of it.
And this was last month? Yeah.
And the three months before that.
Don't judge.
A girl need high-waisted denim.
And bags and espadrilles.
Ugh, I'm a bad person.
Yeah, well, we both know where you could get the money.
Oh, yeah, sure, great idea.
And give my mother yet another reason to be disappointed in me.
No, I'm just saying you have this safety net.
- Why not use it? - Okay.
Why don't you go back to jb's? Yeah, no, I quit.
I I can't go back.
Why don't you get Stacey to help you? She could, like, throw some legal jargon - at your landlord.
- Oh, that could totally work.
Turn loose the pit bull.
She'll love it.
Okay, great, what about me? Well, so far you've only been looking for jobs you really want, right? So, maybe aim a little lower? Swallow some of that pride? I like that you think I have pride.
Look, tomorrow, I'm just gonna hit craigslist, and I'll take what I can get.
All right, let's make a pact.
On the puffins No safety nets.
No safety nets.
So I think a reasonable solution would be a payment plan.
That way, you get your money, and my client keeps her place without anyone incurring expensive court fees.
Oh, okay, what law firm are you with again? Well, uh technically I'm still in law school, but So, technically, you're her friend.
Which carries about as much legal weight as if you were her pet labrador.
So why don't you hop up on my lap and let me rub that belly? What?! That's sexual harassment! Yeah, probably, but think of it this way: In a couple of years, you can hire yourself to sue me.
Now, until then Why don't you hop on up to the lap? Come on.
There's plenty of room.
Yes, I saw your listing for a nightclub promoter.
Oh, yeah, I go to tons of clubs.
Well, there's heaven and heaven two and Hello? Hi, I saw your listing for a nanny.
Oh, well, no I don't really have any real experience with kids, but I just love playing with them.
I'm normal.
Hello? Yes, well, if anything opens up I'd love to help you guys with your Overall building upkeep and maintenance.
Okay.
Yeah, thanks anyway.
Oh, sorry.
Shouldn't take my finger gun out in public.
Could create a panic.
I should have just said, "I'm not the dog.
You're the dog! You sit, stay.
Shut up!" It's okay stace, it's over.
I'll just figure something else out.
But how? I don't know, but I'm not going to my mom.
You know how she is, stace.
I'd rather work the champagne room than ask for money and have her judge me.
I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay, I'm gonna keep working on this.
We can win! Don't stop believing! Okay, thanks anyway.
Why you sad with, uh Horse-face? Uh, it's nothing.
It's just, like, impossible to find a job.
Are you French? Mais oui.
Oh, cool, I love what you guys do with toast.
Sorry, that was kind of a lame joke.
I'm Jason.
Lucie.
Bof, you American, you always worry about everything.
You never find time to enjoy.
Eh, well, it's a little hard to enjoy when you're living on couch change and cereal dust.
You know, you need a job to buy things like food and stuff.
Don't be silly.
The universe, she will provide.
Yeah.
Come with me, I show you.
We have adventure, eh? Oh, you know, I'd love to.
But I really have to find a job.
I gotta, like, focus on craigslist.
You'd rather stay here with your friend Craig than have adventure with lucie? You know what? Yes, yeah.
Let's have an adventure.
- Check that out.
- I know is beautiful, yeah? - Yeah.
- It's better than the cafe.
Wow, champagne cruise.
This looks fun and Expensive.
Come on.
Ah, Michelle, Jean-Henri, hello! - Wait, wait, what are we doing? - Just follow me.
Tickets? Oh, they have our passes.
Oh - Merci.
- Thanks.
Merci, dude.
- That was amazing.
- See? Now we have adventure.
You're so late, but I so covered for you.
What's up, hangover? Hangover sex? It's a long story.
Is Maya around? - I need to ask for an advance.
- No, don't.
Remember when Meredith from accounting asked for one? Maya was all, "buh-bye.
" I wouldn't do it if I was you.
But if I was you, I would totally wear more sleeveless stuff.
You have great arms.
Mine look like baby thighs.
I'm so starting pilates.
Okay, just keep covering for me.
Thanks, Dylan.
This is better than climbing your boring work ladder, no? See, you never know where the universe will take you.
Yeah, it usually takes me to places where people point at me and laugh.
This is way better.
Cheers.
I will get more bubbles.
Okay.
Hey, what's up? Hey, Jay, how goes the job hunt? Um, yeah, it's going, you know.
Lots of irons in the fire, balls in the air Dogs on the leash.
So, what's going on with you and your landlord? Stacey get you in? No, that failed.
Actually, I could maybe use your help in a bit.
Oh, really? With what? Uh, plan "c.
" I'm gonna sell my babies.
Oy.
Ah, crap.
You guys buy pre-owned clothes? Size two and below.
No prairie dresses, no hammer pants, - no crop tops.
- Okay, cool.
Most of these I've only worn a couple times.
I can see why.
No.
Definitely no.
Yes, barely.
- No.
- What? I fought a girl for this sweater.
I literally punched her in the throat.
Wasn't worth it.
- Hello.
- Bonjour, lucie.
Wow, this place is really cool.
You split the rent with all these guys? Oh, we, uh, live like family, but we do not pay.
We are, how you say, "squashing"? Oh, I think you mean squatting.
Yeah.
Sorry.
So, now we make love? Okay for you? Oh, okay.
Love is good.
Where? Magnifique.
You like hot beef? Sorry, I thought that meant something sexier.
Ohh! Oh, God.
Hey, what's going on with you? Oh, just selling my wardrobe on the streets of Brooklyn.
I'm like a gypsy hipster.
I'm a gypster.
What? How did you even get them? Oh, I broke into my apartment from the fire escape.
The one stroke of luck is that there's no safety bars on the windows, so Okay, hang in there, teen.
Hey, sweet bottom.
How's it going? I, uh, wailed on the lats today.
Check out the wings.
I'm like a fruit bat.
- Not now.
- Get in there.
- Yeah, get that.
- No.
I couldn't help Tina.
She had to break into her apartment and everything is a mess.
Oh, that sucks.
Is there, uh, anything I can do to help? Um, I'm trying to come up with a legal argument.
Let me bounce it off you.
- Can I please? - Sure Okay, so a city Marshall must serve the eviction personally, or no eviction may take place.
No eviction was served, ergo, there can be no eviction.
Ergo, that sounds really convincing.
Come on, this landlord is a total pee hole.
Don't be soft on me.
Ah, my whole plan today was to be hard on you.
I mean that in a totally loving, "let's do it in a position where we can look deeply into each other's eyes" kind of way.
Hey.
What up, Jay? Uh, teen, this is lucie.
Lucie, this is Tina.
Hello.
Oh, I like your, uh, clothes.
Oh, please look.
- Uh, everything must go.
- Okay.
So, French, huh? Body odor? A little.
I mouth breathed.
You know, I could have used your help carrying all this stuff.
But I let it go, because I figured you were busy looking for a job.
I was.
I met lucie while I was looking and figured if I can't find a job, at least I met a cool girl.
You know, a bird in the hand's better than two in the bush.
Clearly you've never had two in the bush.
Look, I'm trying a different, more European philosophy here.
Instead of stressing over work, I'm just gonna let the universe provide.
If you wanna blow off your job search to chunnel some French girl, whatever.
But don't call it a life philosophy.
Call it being Oh, how you say, a flake? Yeah, says the girl who hasn't paid her rent in, what, four months? Hey, at least I'm trying.
I've been trying all week.
Today I'm doing something different.
You mean doing someone different.
Whatever, you and amelie play "hide the baguette.
" I'm keeping up my end of the deal.
Remember that the next time that you cry to me like a baby about being unemployed.
All right, fine, have fun.
I know I will.
Viva le pact! Excuse me? Hi, uh, I'm gonna go get something to drink.
Would you mind watching my clothes? Watch my clothes? Okay, thank you.
Machine is broken.
Cash only.
Oh, shoot.
I'll owe you, okay? No, Jason's friend, that's not okay.
Come on, I'm in here every day.
What, do you want me to show you my boobs? That could work.
Seriously? No.
Uh Well, maybe just my bra, but that's it.
Skin to win, nip to sip.
I can't believe Okay, one boob, lightning quick flash, that's it.
Both bubbly jubs, 30 seconds, I'll time you.
You're being greedy and gross.
One boob, two seconds.
Ah, the left one.
The good one.
I'm not an idiot.
Thank you.
Ugh! Master of negotiation.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Gotta cite you, miss.
License required for anything other than food, artwork, or printed matter.
Come on, dude, cut me some slack I'm a cute girl.
Eh.
To make the Crescent rolls.
No, because you do not get a croissant out of a can.
Just because they're straight does not mean Ooh, I like it.
- Hi.
- Uh, hey, is this Jason? Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, you called about the building maintenance position? If you can come by this afternoon for an interview, we have an opening.
We're ready to go.
Let me tell you a little bit about the job.
We need someone who can help us take apart old machines downtown.
- You have to be strong.
- What the hell? What do you mean, "what the hell"? - No, sorry, not you.
- Screw you.
Did you just steal that camera? No Maybe.
How is this the universe providing? Well, sometimes universe, she needs a petit pouce.
- Wait - A little push.
Wait a second, what are you doing? How many of these have you taken? - Hey - Is this Tina's scarf? No maybe.
Wait, please, can we just, like, stop and put the cameras back? No, we go forward, avant.
No, no, wait, I'm not going with you.
I'm not stealing stuff.
Jason, I thought we were compatible.
But maybe we are like the citrus and the milk.
Not for each other.
Wait, please, please.
You're gonna get caught.
No, Jason, do not be silly.
Au revoir.
Stop, security! Oh! Business is good.
My least favorite scarf.
How did you get this? Well, it turns out that lucie wasn't so much a life philosopher as she was a crazy kleptomaniac.
French bitch stole my scarf? Plus a lot of high-end electronics.
You were right.
I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
Don't beat yourself up, Jay.
I showed Bobby the gold for two beers and an iced tea.
Wow, he really haggled you down.
You should have at least gotten a six-pack.
I hate to say this, Jay, but safety nets? Yeah.
™ª that's when you find ♪ ♪ there's nothing there ♪ ♪ drink when you see ♪ that no one cares ♪ ♪ you said, "I'll see you soon" ♪ ooh, only ten minutes late.
Miracles do happen.
If only you believed in God.
Oh, and sweetheart, you know who wears a black bra with a white shirt? Prostitutes and French Canadians.
And you were born in scarsdale.
So this is fun so far.
It's nice to see you.
How much? $500.
But only until Your an adult now, Tina.
You really shouldn't be running to me for a bailout like the car companies.
So what's good here? ™ª words are still a faithful friend ♪ ♪ so now tell me what you're gonna do ♪ screw that.
媻 I can see the fire in you so not worth it.
媻 I can see it I just got off the phone with Tina, and I don't know what to do.
I can't find anything that's gonna convince this guy.
I need a break.
Like a fro-yo break, or "let's get naked and giggle" break? I'm not really in the mood for yogurt.
Fine, but I might not be all there mentally.
I don't care.
I mean that in a totally loving Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take your shirt off.
I mean, Tina will be fine, right? Mm-hmm.
She'll just, you know, - Tina her way out of it.
- Yep.
I mean, she is resourceful.
She frickin' broke into her own apartment.
Mm-hmm.
What's up? I think I just figured out how to help Tina.
I'm sure she'll be as thankful in 1/2 hour as I will in 15 minutes.
I'll be back.
You just made me watch porn.
Ah, look who's here.
Man's best friend.
You here for your tick bath or do you have my money? There's no safety bars in the windows of Tina's building.
And I know that children live there.
And if I would, I don't know, report that to the housing authority, that would cost you what? 10 grand? 20? You better think about it, because I'm just the kind of bitch that would report you! Rj - you're a despicable human being.
You're gonna make a great lawyer.
Thanks.
Oh do you Uh, work here? Um, yeah.
That's why I'm sitting in this chair behind this desk.
Duh.
So, the prodigal son returns.
Except now I've got a new son.
Isn't that right, Roger? Straight up, jabes.
- Sss! - Sss! Ow.
So, do you, uh, want your job back? I do, yeah.
Guess I left the nest too soon, right? I get it.
I'll hire you back.
- Really? - Yeah.
I hate Roger.
But he is very good at his job.
So, if you want it back, you're gonna have to beg for it.
Prove to me how much you want it.
Otherwise, how will I know you won't fly away again? Are you serious? Yeah, Jay, beg.
Okay, wait.
Here's your motivation.
You don't wanna move back in with your parents and have to masturbate in the bathroom with a door that never quite locks.
And action! Yeah, I I think I'd rather live with my parents.
Jay! They're gonna walk right in on him while he's cranking it.
So, what are your plans tomorrow, aside from helping me lug my clothes from the police station? I don't know, maybe the universe will provide.
Something's bound to come through soon, Jay.
It better at this point, a good night's sleep has become pretty much the most productive thing I can do with my time.
Wait, why are you even still here? I don't know.
I guess I just wanted one last night of summer camp.
And I wanted to make sure that you weren't gonna stay up all night writing sad poetry into your dream journal.
It's all gonna work out.
You know that, right? Yeah, thanks.
Okay, let's go to bed.
Let me know if you wanna rub one out.
I'll, uh, put on my headphones.