iCarly (2021) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hey, why are you here with no adult supervision? Wow.
Way to roast yourself.
I need your help.
It's Freddie.
Is he okay? I heard him sneeze.
Is he sick? Oh, my God! Is he dying? Am I your new father? I accept.
Don't you just love weddings? Oh, no.
He's got wedding fever.
I just love celebrating love that lasts a lifetime.
Or in your case, 14 months.
Last time you went to a wedding, you met Mom, so I'm going to be all over you.
We can't risk another meet-cute-get-married-go-down- in-flames-divorce-tragedy.
Don't worry.
As best man, I only have one job.
Yup.
To comfort a lonely bridesmaid.
No.
To support the groom.
Weddings are special and sacred and should be treated with respect.
God, weddings suck.
So you're wearing that in protest? No.
I'm wearing this because I'm tired of being punished for looking good.
Do you know how many weddings I've been uninvited to because I outshine the bride at the rehearsal dinner? So you're wearing a white dress? Um, this is off, off cream.
Besides prairie-core was all over the Gucci runway, so I'm on trend.
Yet off-putting.
Forget your obsession with me.
We need to focus on Carly.
She's been really down about dating lately, and now she has to spend an entire weekend at the wedding of her childhood nemesis.
- Nevel Papperman.
- Nevel Papperman.
You're right.
She's going to be extremely fragile.
Who's ready for a really fun wedding? See? She's a wreck.
You despise Nevel.
I thought you'd be upset about going to his wedding.
Of course I'm upset.
My sworn enemy wants to make me miserable by flaunting his happiness, but I'm going to make him miserable by flaunting mine.
You're still talking about happiness, right? Are you sure you wouldn't be happier just staying at home? Obviously, but if I stay home he wins.
What did Nevel do to make you like this, and how can I be more like him? When they were kids, Nevel wrote a terrible review of "iCarly".
Then hacked her website and tried to force Carly - to kiss him.
- Many times.
Worst of all, he trapped me in a robot costume for our half-a-ween party.
That's not worse then Carly's thing.
- I heard it as I said it.
- Wait, is that why we all have to wear robot formal to the wedding tomorrow? No.
It's because he's obsessed with some game called "Robot Uprising".
God, I hate Nevel Papperman.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
I'm going to grab some umbrellas.
I'm going to turn off my thunder and lightning machine.
I know you see Somehow the world will change for me [TOGETHER.]
And be so wonderful So wake up the members of my nation [TOGETHER.]
It's your time to be There's no chance unless you take one And the time to see the brighter side Of every situation Some things are meant to be So give me your best and leave the rest to me I love a robot-themed rehearsal dinner.
Blending sci-fi and romance it's like experiencing "WALL-E" all over again.
Laugh like I said something funny laugh! [LAUGHTER.]
- Why are we laughing? - Because I want Nevel to hear what a wonderful time I'm having.
I'm having a wonderful time.
That's super convincing.
I need a mocktail.
Freddie, you're with me.
I've got to keep an eye on you and your tender heart.
[BELL RINGING.]
Robots, robotesses and nonbinary machines, please welcome the most amorous androids, Prunella Pitz and Nevel Papperman.
Carly Shay, so nice to see you.
I bet you rue the day you let me get away.
Oh, Nevel.
I rue nothing.
So happy to be here.
You are so brave to show your face at a wedding just weeks after a humiliating break-up.
Weeks? It's been three months.
Counting the days how sad.
But despair not, I found my soul mate.
Maybe one day you'll find yours too.
And where is Prunella? I've been dying to meet her.
I'm sure anyone who would marry you is a real treasure.
Carly Shay? Oh, my gosh.
Prunella Pitz, thrilled to meet you.
You know, you are so charming on your channel.
I literally quote you all the time.
Do I not? Do I not? Anyway, I am so honored that you're here, and might I add, somehow even more radiant in person.
Damn it.
She's a treasure.
Ugh.
The straights.
Engagement, bridal shower, bachelor, bachelorette, rehearsal dinner, wedding, post-wedding brunch, if you haven't had seven parties celebrating your conformity to social norms, did you even get married? I'm with you on the showers, but rehearsal dinners hold a solemn purpose to pick out who you want to hook up with at the wedding.
I regret I have but one Spencer to share with so many lonely women.
Uh-huh.
Not having it because at this wedding, you'll be sharing the lonely women with me, and I'm the undisputed queen of wedding hook-ups.
Undisputed? I dispute it.
Is that a challenge? Oh, Harper, if Mark McGwire wanted a face-off in a home run derby, would that be a challenge? Depends.
Are you saying you use performance-enhancing drugs? All right.
Let's see who gets the most phone numbers by the end of the weekend, then we'll know who's the true hook-up king.
Gender-neutral monarch.
Winner plans a date that the loser has to go on.
Bet.
Wait, this is unfair.
You have twice as many targets because you go both ways.
Always, and ha ha I know that you didn't just try to insinuate that you're at a disadvantage because you're straight.
- No.
I didn't.
- I thought so.
That would be crazy.
I was surprised you asked me to be in your wedding, but I guess you never know the impact you have on people.
Meet my groomsmen a distant cousin who speaks no English, and this server here, whom I met 30 minutes ago.
- Robert.
- Doesn't matter.
Well, I'm the best man.
So that's still special.
Oh, stupid shoes.
Gosh.
Here, let me help with that.
Not on my watch.
You're proposing already? He is so needy.
I'm helping her buckle a shoe.
That's how it all starts.
Back off, Cinderella.
Hi, Carly.
Hi, Freddie.
Looking amazing.
[GIGGLES.]
Thanks, Prunella.
Why does she keep tilting her head and blinking? Because she's quirky and delightful.
The caterer is calling about the meal count for tomorrow.
12 salmon, 5 chicken, 8 beef, 3 Halal, 2 gluten-free.
[GIGGLES.]
Isn't she wonderful? My Pruney has a computer for a brain.
[CHUCKLING.]
You can't tell me that's not weird.
For a woman to be good with numbers? Carly, get with the times.
You guys agree with me, right? There's something off about Prunella.
Come on.
Although, I was talking to one of the bridesmaids - Did you get her number? - Duh.
And she was saying she had never met Prunella before tonight.
They were only friends online.
That is strange because I was talking to this other girl - Did you get her number? - No.
And she said none of Prunella's family is here because they all died in a freak skiing accident.
That's some white people nonsense.
Wait.
Has anyone here met Prunella besides Nevel? [TAPPING GLASS.]
When dear Grandpapa Papperman told me I couldn't inherit my trust fund until I married a human woman, I was angry.
- Human woman? - Hetero and humo-normative.
But now I see Grandpapa only wanted to me be rich in money and in love.
[DING.]
So if everyone could raise their glass Oh, no.
Annie's flight got canceled.
I'm down a bridesmaid.
I'm about to short-circuit.
- [ALL GASP.]
- Oh, dear.
Where will we find someone Annie's exact dress size who's brunette with high cheekbones and stands a hair under 5'6"? - If only I were tall enough.
- Oh, but you are.
You're a classic 5'5 3/4.
Carly, I know it's so much to ask, but would you do me the honor of standing beside me for the most important moment of my life? Sure.
I'm already having such a wonderful time, and being your bridesmaid will only make it better.
To my bride, Prunella, and more importantly, to Carly.
To Carly.
Bet you wish you stayed home now.
No.
Nevel invited me here to mess with me, but now I get to mess with him by exposing this entire wedding as a sham.
Something fishy is going on and I think it's pretty obvious what it is.
- Prunella's a gold digger.
- Prunella's a gold digger.
No.
Prunella is a robot.
I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what are you doing? I'm taking all my fridge magnets to throw at Prunella.
If they stick, it'll prove she's made of metal.
Ipso facto, domo arigato, Mistress Roboto.
And I regret it.
You really think that Prunella is a robot? I know it sounds crazy, but look at the evidence.
No one at Prunella's own wedding has ever met her.
Nevel literally said she has a computer for a brain, and he needs to marry a human woman to get his inheritance, but no human woman would marry Nevel.
So he threw a robot wedding and built a robot bride.
Sounds like a pretty elaborate scheme.
Which is exactly what Nevel's known for.
It's peak Papperman.
And when the bridesmaids get together for hair and makeup, I'm going to prove it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I am not going to let you destroy this woman's special day.
I'm coming to that bridal suite.
Greetings.
The name's Bot.
Spencer Bot.
I can tell you practiced that a lot, and it works.
There's no way Harper wins this bet.
I already got five numbers last night, so I hope she's ready to go to a men's rights meeting.
Not so fast, Spencer Bot.
- Holy - [ELECTRONIC BEEPING.]
Sorry, my robot suit malfunctioned.
Wow.
Those welding classes really paid off.
I know, right? You've got five numbers.
I've got four.
Give me your phone.
What are their names? Right there.
Hot wedding guest one, hot wedding guest two, hot wedding guest three That's my number.
You reprogrammed me.
You're hot.
You're a wedding guest, and at one point, you gave me your number.
Now wait a minute, that's all totally true.
Carry on.
Hey, Prunella.
As your newest bridesmaid, I just wanted to say zero, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, zero.
Aw, you agree too.
I've been learning binary code to surprise Nevel for our robot vows.
How are you girls doing? Need anything? Great, Mrs.
Papperman.
Oh, could you rustle me up an ice cream sandwich? I meant more Prunella and her bridesmaids, but I suppose I can poke around.
Prunella, since it's your special day, I was just wondering could you help me identify all the traffic lights? Maybe after I use the bathroom, sure.
Do you need help in that big dress with your regular human legs underneath it? Carly, you are so thoughtful.
Boop.
One more of these, and I'll make out with the next guy I see.
Hey, Freddie, can you get me another? Af-firmative.
So got a little crush on Freddie? He seems great.
He is, if you look past the gambling debts and raging night terrors.
- Monsieur mimosa here.
- I'm actually not thirsty.
I got a good look, and I'll say this, she's realistic.
Seven numbers.
Hope you're ready to spend a romantic Saturday at clown college.
Joke's on you.
I did immersion therapy, so now clowns only make me cry sometimes.
Besides, I've got seven numbers too we're tied.
Not for long.
I see a cute girl and she's definitely queer.
Oh, I think you're wrong.
She smiled at me.
You have such a reductive understanding of the spectrum of damn it.
Check it out I accidentally Googled myself.
Wow, super famous sculptor, and look at that net worth.
- Whereas I - Work at Skybucks.
Which means free lattes, and if you're in the mood, a muffin.
I'm sorry.
Do I know you or you? No.
But if you call me sometime No.
Call me, girl.
I'm the muffin.
What is her problem? I don't know, probably gluten intolerant.
Wow.
You look just like a real bride.
Oh, I wish I could cry.
Why can't you? [WHISPERS.]
No tear ducts.
I just don't want to ruin my makeup.
[GIGGLES.]
Oh, Carly, you saw the woman pee.
Let it go.
Let this go? Okay.
[CLINK.]
[FREDDIE GASPS.]
Why did you throw this at me? Uh wedding tradition.
Magnets symbolize lifelong attraction.
Quick question, though.
Why did it stick to your head? Oh, I don't want to talk about it.
We're all friends.
Give us the download.
Okay.
I have a steel plate in my head, because you know how my entire family died in that skiing accident? I was the only one who made it out alive, and oh, wow.
Now I am going to cry.
I'm so sorry, Prunella.
[CHIME.]
The caterers lost the Halal meals.
What? Kareem is going to freak.
Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.
I'll help.
I'm not lending you any money.
Is it safe to leave you with Prunella? Yeah.
I'm done.
I promise.
Prunella, I owe you an apology.
What is this? Is this a battery pack? My power supply.
Don't tell anyone.
She's really a robot.
What am I going to do? Almost got the battery pack in.
I've got to get out of here.
Nevel! - Carly.
- Don't Carly me.
I figured out what's going on here, and it's insane.
Is it really so insane to think an epic love story spanning decades could finally land on happily ever after? Oh, please.
I know your epic love story with Prunella is a lie.
You're right, but my love story with you is the truth.
Huh? Come on, Carly.
No more cat and mouse.
It's time to let me catch you.
Not now and not ever! Yes, run to the altar, my beloved.
I'll see you there.
I can't believe the rabbi shot me down, but they taught me some beautiful lessons.
L'chaim.
How are we going to break this tie before the wedding is over? Unless What's up, mama? Can I have everyone's attention? I have something to say, and I know it's going to shock most of you.
We're getting married! Prunella is out, Carly is in.
[ALL GASP.]
- Oh! - ["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS.]
Wow.
Didn't ask me to walk her down the aisle.
Okay.
What? We're not getting married.
No.
No.
No.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's really happening.
Rabbi Lowenstein, go.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here - today to witness - No.
No gathering, disperse.
- I object.
- Oh, shoot.
Maybe I do like straight weddings.
You can't object.
First because I'm not marrying him, and second, because you're a robot.
- What? - And there it is.
Admit it, Nevel.
You made the perfect woman out of steel and technology and then staged this entire robot wedding - so that she could blend in.
- Oh, my God.
You think someone would make a robot of me? That is so nice, but why would you think that? Because you're way too good for Nevel, and you always blink in that crazy way.
Oh, it's because I'm not used to these stupid lash extensions, and while they make me look amazing, I see very poorly.
But what about your battery pack? I saw it fall out.
Battery pack? What battery pack? I have no idea.
Carly's crazy.
She threw a magnet at me.
Carly, Prunella isn't a robot.
She's a friend I met playing "Robot Uprising".
Our relationship isn't romantic.
Ooh, twist! Continue.
But if you never loved Prunella, then why did you say she was your soul mate? Was it just to make me jealous? Was this entire robot wedding just to make me jealous? Please, do you really think I'd stage a fake wedding, as Freddie to be my best man to make sure you'd be here, even though I can't stand him and never could Hey.
Invite all your closest friends and family, pay actors to fill out the guest list, all so you'd go mad with jealously and realize you and I were meant to be together all along? Oh, my God.
Nevel, did you do that? Would it be so wrong if I did? Wait, you're an actor? Does that mean you don't actually like Freddie? Oh, God.
No.
That was just a choice I made for my character.
Well, my work here is done.
I'll be at the bar getting a Shirley Temple, extra cherries for this little princess.
You paid all the guests? But your mother was here.
Oh, Carly, you know that's not my mother.
You've met my mother.
Hi, Carly.
Suzie Cunninghart, SAG-AFTRA.
Huge fan.
I'd love to be considered for any future roles on your channel.
No.
I'm not casting you, and I'm not marrying you.
I'm not doing anything with anyone here.
Okay.
Okay.
The wedding is off.
Wait, wait, wait.
The wedding is on, at least I hope it is because there is still one secret I haven't told you yet.
- She's a robot.
- My secret is that somehow during this whole crazy scheme, I fell in love with you.
ALL: Ooh! My thing was more believable.
Really? You fell in love with me, Nevel Papperman? That was real.
And as for the battery Carly saw, it was supposed to be a surprise.
- Aw.
- I can't believe it.
Someone loves me.
This has never happened to me before.
Prunella, I love you too.
Carly, are you going to be okay? Yeah.
I'll manage.
["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS.]
I was also in a foot cream commercial.
Make your scaly feet Start feeling sweet No way! Oh, man.
- Oh, are you at our table too? - I'm actually at Then why don't you go there? We were just talking.
Why don't you want me to fall in love? It makes me sad to see you sad, so I'm just trying to protect you.
Millicent, broken hearts are part of life, and you're the kid.
Okay? It's my job to protect you.
Okay, except when you see a moth you're going to be all, "Millicent, get it before it flies into my mouth while I'm sleeping".
Except for then.
So do you think it's okay if I dance? She was a paid actor.
Let it go.
Not her.
Just promise me you will not do your dancing face.
What face? This face? I've heard that as a groomsmen, it's my job to comfort a lonely bridesmaid.
You want to dance? You think I'm lonely? Why? Just because I'm in a wedding dress by myself at someone else's wedding? Why did you get so fixated on that robot theory anyway? Because I'm guessing it's not jealousy stemming from a deep unfulfilled love for Nevel Papperman.
Yeah, no, literally would rather die.
I don't know.
I guess weddings just make you feel like you can't know real happiness until you find a partner.
The idea that even Nevel found that when I haven't kind of struck a nerve, even though I know it's not true.
Okay.
Well, first of all, it is totally possible to be married and miserable.
- Like you were.
- Twice.
And it's just as possible to by happy and single.
And you're happy, right? You know what? I really am.
I mean, at this exact moment I'm a little embarrassed, kind of hungry because I gave Kimmi my Halal meal, but overall, yeah, I'm happy.
Aw, did you guys settle your silly contest and make up? No.
People always just want you more when you're taken.
Can I confess something? Our bet is making me feel gross.
I agree.
I should have never stooped to your level.
Truce? - Oh, beautiful ceremony.
- So meaningful.
Thank you.
Call me, bubbelah.
I win.
Enjoy the compost festival, sucker.
I heard they have a worm symposium, a methane workshop and a raffle for a bucket, okay? I know you can still hear me.
They also have a 4-hour lecture on manure and a smell test, so get them nostrils ready, baby.
Now, life isn't easy When you're a droid But you're about to shuffle like a humanoid Robot shuffle, robots Don't call us half-breed Your words can't cut us 'cause bots don't bleed Hands up for the droid's rights struggle Then take it downtown with the robot shuffle How low can you go How high is your bot Take-take it downtown With the robot shuffle Ooh!