I'm Alan Partridge (1997) s01e05 Episode Script
To Kill a Mocking Alan
(MUSIC PLAYS) That was Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark with some classic electro-rock from their album "Architecture and Morality" - two subjects we could discuss all night.
Indeed, the lines are open if you want to comment on either architecture or morality, two equally hot, but differently-shaped potatoes.
Chips and crinkle-cut chips.
So give me a call - please! Seriously though, do give me a call.
It's 4.
50 am.
The Queen is dead, long live the Kings' Singers.
Just pop your elbow on there you've locked the door.
Sometimes you don't want to.
We've had several calls during the last few hours about a humorous comment I made.
Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead.
It was a humorous intro into a song, which has been taken too literally by one or two listeners, and a newspaper.
So just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth Il is not dead.
Unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid.
Coming up to seven o'clock.
Gadzooks! It's the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire.
Good morning to you, sir.
Arise, Sir Alan of Partridgeshire.
Shall we stop talking in a medieval way? What's on your show today? Right.
Get dialling.
If you want to cross the Clifton suspension quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible £11,OOO.
So just to remind you of You're sexy.
Yes.
- Sorry.
- I didn't know you cared, Alan! That was OAP - Old Alan Partridge.
I'm not old! I'm 43, you cheeky git! And this is Blue Oyster Cult from the album "Agents Of Fortune".
# The chances of anything coming from Mars # Are a million to one # Morning # But still they come.
# Morning, Mr Partridge.
"War of the Worlds.
" "Wild Woods"? No.
"War of the Worlds.
" Guess the tune.
Oh.
Yes.
What do you reckon? "3 p.
m.
An Afternoon with Alan Partridge," "with special celebrity guest star, Sue Cook.
" Yeah.
Could you just put "Plus Sue Cook"? The good thing about this is that you can't hear your Geordie accent on the board.
You should turn this into a sandwich board and press on your chest what you're tying to say.
Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawking's voice box.
The good thing about Stephen Hawking is, he is clear.
It's you, isn't it? You're Alan Partridge.
- Yes, I am.
- I don't believe it! I'm your biggest fan.
I'm coming this afternoon.
I've got my ticket.
Shake my hand! What's it about, then, Alan? It's basically a TV show that's not on TV.
Really? It's like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook.
Brilliant.
It's such a pleasure to shake your hand.
- I can see you're enjoying it.
- Yeah! - You're not going to let it go? - No.
Can I have it back? Thanks.
It's so nice that your fans can meet you.
A lot of them don't, and it's fans like us that make you what you are.
I don't actually agree with that.
I know some people do, but I don't.
- Can I have your autograph? - Certainly.
What's your name? - Jed Maxwell.
- No relation to Robert Maxwell? No.
You're not going to go fat and steal my pension? - No.
- Just a joke.
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Actually - Could you ask me for this later? - You've done it now.
It just says, "To Jed Maxwell from Alan".
- It sounds like you know me.
- OK.
"To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith.
" Who's he? Never heard of him.
I'm expecting two TV executives from RTE who are coming from Dublin.
- We're brunching.
- Can I shake hands again? No.
You've had enough.
It would make me look important if you could ask for my autograph then and shake my handlater! Never you mind, Alan.
- You can rely on me.
- Thank you.
It's Alan Partridge.
I can't believe it! You haven't lost it, Alan.
I don't care what they say.
See you later.
Er, Susan? That's a nice smell.
Is that new perfume? - Yes, it is.
- It's very nice.
What is it? - My fiance bought it - I didn't ask who bought it.
- It's Ralph Lauren.
- Can I have a sniff? Yes.
Sure.
Sorry.
I shouldn't touch members of staff unless I'm reprimanding them, and then I'll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms.
Oh, there was a call for you.
A Mr Nishead rang.
- Did he leave a first name? - No.
No.
It was just a Mr P Nishead.
Sophie That's a crank call.
- It's another crank call.
- Is it? Read it back.
Oh, yes.
I can see what he's done now.
Shall I put it on the list? If you would.
Can I see that list? I want to get to the bottom of this.
Mr G String.
Mr Nick Hers, Y Fronts Mr T Osser.
That doesn't even work.
Mr B Oddie.
This is Bill Oddie.
It's not a crank call.
Why have you put it on there? Well, we thought it looked like "body".
- What's rude about a body? - Tits? - Good morning, Sophie.
- Good morning.
Did you sleep well? Yeah.
It was a good night, wasn't it? If you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, then you would have got your head down about midnight? Yeah.
I got my head down all right.
I've had some pretty late night sessions myself.
Yeah.
In 1976, I saw ElO at the Birmingham NEC.
I was there shouting with everyone eke, "Come back on, ElO, and carry on playing!" Alan, your P.
A.
's arrived.
Lynn, let me take that.
Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge and Wagon Wheels.
Excellent.
- Can I take that for you? - Oh, how very thoughtful.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
This'll happen to you when you hit 4O.
It's cutting into my fingers.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can you smell my breath? It smells a bit like gas.
- You know what that is? - No.
Those scotch eggs we had at the petrol station last night.
- What time was that? - About quarter to 11.
Yeah.
It's going to be in the system till about four.
- I'll buy a packet of mints.
- Great.
- Alan, there's a call for you.
- Right.
You go on up, Lynn.
Hello.
Right.
Well, where are you? Oh, come on! Oh, this is Oh, that's bang out of order! Well, take a look in the mirror.
Pardon? No.
I've got a better idea.
Shove it up your arse! Sue Cook's pulled out.
Michael, change that to "An Afternoon with Just Alan Partridge".
OK.
Roger and out.
We're not on short-wave radio.
It is quite eye-catching.
Not what you were taught in the Army - camouflage.
I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training.
We had to do target identification.
You had to gang into this building full of people, identify the hostages and take out the terrorists.
I've sort of employed it here, like.
I know what you mean.
A few weeks ago, I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar, and afterwards a bunch of us went down to laser Quest.
In there, it's very scary.
Seconds count.
Aye.
Quick on the draw, quick on the draw! Look.
If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon - What you want to do is - I love this.
It's no laughing matter.
When you draw your weapon, right, make it as smooth as you possibly can.
So draw, hold, fix and fire and then move and fire move and fire move and fire, move and fire! - Get back in the lift, Lynn! - Reload! I'm up.
Michael! - What do you think you're doing? - Sorry.
So do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you? God, no! Oh, I see I'm very grateful you've come over.
Big fans of all the Irish stuff.
Um I love your pop music.
Enyaand the other one.
Ripped up the Pope.
Bald chap.
And I think that's it.
- Well, there's U2, of course.
- U2.
Sunday Bloody Sunday.
Encapsulates the frustration of Sunday.
You wake up in the morning, you've got to read the Sunday papers, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think, "Sunday, bloody Sunday!" l hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.
Massacre.
Urgh! Not playing that again.
I must say, it's a really horrible hotel.
- Who stays in a place like this? - Terrible.
It's so sterile here.
Yes, it is.
The staff are polite, but their smiles are - Painted on.
- Yeah.
Exactly.
It's very fake, isn't it? The great thing about this hotel is its situation.
It's equidistant between London and Norwich.
That's the genius of its location.
Even though I do hate it and I don't live here, I pop in for breakfast.
- Hello, Alan.
- Which is why she knows me.
Hello, Susan.
Just clocking the name tag there.
Can we have four full British Isles breakfasts, please? - Certainly.
- Yeah.
You robot.
l wouldn't be surprised if she went and opened up her chest, and turned her smile up.
It's a nice chest, but full of wires.
Do you smell gas? Do you want a mint? - The food will probably - Break it down.
Break it down, yes.
I'll get some grapefruit juice.
That'll help.
Where are you from in Ireland? Aidan is from Selbridge, which is near Dublin, and I'm from West Cork.
- Oh, whereabouts? - You know Skibbereen? Oh, Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child.
I used to go on nature trails and spot flowers - and Mummy used to say - There we go.
Ruby grapefruit juice.
I thought I'd take the jug in case it's quaffed by R2D2 over there.
(SUSAN) Tea? Coffee? (ROBOTIC) Tea or coffee? Tea or coffee? Four teas, please.
- You ever been to Ireland, Alan? - No.
I'd love to go.
It amazes me when people say that and it's only £49 on a plane.
I think that's what puts me off.
Well, that's the small talk.
Now let's get down to business.
Now, your programme (IRISH ACCENT).
.
what's the big idea? Well, the "big idea" is that we want to produce a show that appeals to mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish Sea.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, scary Irish man! Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets.
They're worn by Saddam Hussein, Frank Spencer, and the French.
.
.
but celebrate the culture of both countries.
Yeah.
I think the Irish are going through a major image change.
I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons people with eyebrows on their cheeks badly tarmacked drives in this county, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish.
I think people are saying, "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this".
A good slogan for the tourist board.
("IRISH" ACCENT) "There's more to Ireland dan dis.
" - There we go.
- Thanks very much.
You blonde bastardfrom the future.
Phew, this looks disgusting.
Still, might as well eat it.
So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine? Two million, and another two million had to leave the county.
If it was just potatoes that were affected, you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.
They could afford to eat in a modest restaurant.
Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm tying to get an angle.
I think you're increasingly moving towards an area - we want to move away from.
- You're right.
Live TV can blow up in your face.
Sorry about that.
You must be sick of that.
- Of what? - Being blown up, bombs.
- I'm from Dublin.
Not in Dublin.
- But that's where you make them.
You've come all this way, and I think you're being a bit negative.
No.
I was interested in something earlier.
Lynn, when you were talking about going to Skibbereen as a child.
I wonder if there's something in that.
Did you have any friends or cousins over while you were there? Could I have your autograph? - Certainly.
What's your name? - Jed Maxwell.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) "From Alan Partridge.
" I think there's some interesting A-a-a-a-al.
listen I think if we, um If you stick around for the Afternoon with Alan Partridge, then afterwards you can talk to Lynn AND me about Lynn.
(ORGAN MUSIC.
.
"KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU" BY ABBA) A-ha! Good afternoon.
(MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN) (MUSIC.
.
"I'M A LUMBERJACK" FROM MONTY PYTHON) (DRUM MACHINE PLAYS) (VERY FAST DRUMBEAT) (MUSIC STOPS) Sorry.
Couple of gremlins in the system.
Ghosts in the machine.
Perhaps a metaphor for Good evening.
I might as well say this now, Sue Cook has pulled out.
(SOME GROANS) So if anyone wants to leave, then now's the time.
Amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
Question from there.
Has your career gone off the rails? No, not you, the woman behind.
Are you in favour of the death penalty? Yes, I am.
For treason and murder.
Say "Pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre" to anyone and they'll probably look blankly at you Hello? Why do people do that? very clever men.
Both very clever men, but I don't trust them.
Gerry Adams looks like a deputy headmaster and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without make-up.
OK.
Let's recap.
Draw the gun from the holster, there's one in the chamber and move and fire move and fire, move and fire.
The terrorist is disoriented from the stun grenades.
Remember the double - bang, bang.
We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target, and we do that in two areas - anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept.
Get one there, he's going down.
Or you can take a head shot.
Again, he's going down.
I think we've got time for just one more question.
- Lady at the back.
- Yes, Alan.
I wondered if you had any more Alan Partridge tie and badge packs? Yes, I do.
I've got one here.
They're available in reception priced £19.
99 - £20.
The penny's just a price rhetoric.
Some of the boxes are a bit faded but I was made promises about storage that were not kept.
So that's all from me.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Sorry.
Got to go.
Oh, there you are.
So what do you think? - Well, I wouldn't be depressed.
- I'm not.
- When you were with that woman - Did you see her face? Classic.
- She was frightened.
- Yeah.
I know.
So perhaps we could go and chat about all my other ideas in my room.
- Your room? - My room.
In my house.
Where's your house? Just down the road.
Our house.
Do you remember the man who came up to ask for my autograph? - No.
- Good.
This is Jed.
He's my driver.
- Hello, Jed.
- Hello.
And business partner.
Hello.
And we live together.
We're not gay! I've nothing against them.
It's just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve he didn't create Adam and Steve.
I'm kind of a homo-sceptic.
Whatever.
I just would like to get out of here.
Let's go.
Have you seen the film "The Crying Game"? Yes, I saw it.
We, er The woman with the old tadger I suppose the sequel will have a man with a a fanny.
This is my house.
Where I live.
Nice and out of the way.
With Jed.
After you.
- A bowl of bread there.
- What's that for? Just, erfriends.
I'll put the kettle on.
Right.
Um Shall we go into the? Yes, the lounge.
Grab a pew.
There's only the one chair.
The other one burnt down.
If Jed and I are both in here, I tend to do this.
Sort of lean on the wall.
Yeah.
Perched on the arm.
That's a good one.
I've tried that one.
Nice picture of yourself on the TV.
I always leave this here, so I'm always on the telly.
Who's the other one? This is David Copperfield.
Yes.
He's the American magician, you know? "I'm an American.
" Yes.
He claims to have made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but it's still there.
Talking out of his arse.
Is that an original? I don't know why I bought this painting.
This has got a very haunting quality.
Man and machine.
I mean, I often look at this in the morning and think "Oh, I'd like to kiss her".
Actually, do you mind if I use your toilet? - By all means.
- Where is it? Um I'll show you.
This is the lobby.
I like to read the Sunday papers in here.
I can never find the light switch in here.
Oh, my God! I am such a bighead! Two things.
One, presumably you think I'm a bit odd and you'd like to leave now.
Yes.
And two.
- Can I come with you? - No.
(JED) Tea's up.
I'm Sorry.
We've only got one mug.
You're the biggest.
You'd better have the mug.
You'll have to have this milk jug.
It's a bit like a mug.
I'll have the coffee jar, and there you go, Alan.
It's the ball thing you have in washing machines.
That's right! It's called an airealator.
Cheers.
Yeah.
I often think I should swallow this whole and let it slosh round my system, dispensing the coffee.
The trouble is it'd be quite difficult to swallow and even harder to Where have they gone? You don't think my room scared them, do you? I think they might have found it a bit creepy.
It must be odd being surrounded by photos of yourself.
It is a bit, yeah.
I like David Copperfield as well.
Not as much as you.
He's losing the battle for wall space, isn't he? Did you take these on a telephoto lens? - Yeah.
- Are you the crank caller? - Yeah.
- Yup, thought so.
I'm just a fan, Alan, that's all.
Your biggest fan.
- Yeah.
- I'll show you something.
Glory be! It took 14 hours! I fainted three times.
Jed, I'll level with you.
I'm really scared.
- Um In fact, I think I'll go.
- No.
- It's OK - No, stay! Don't go! All right.
I'll stay! I'll stay.
What do you want to do? - Let's do an interview.
- That's a great idea.
- Really? - It's the best idea in the world.
Oh, great.
Well, you can be David Copperfield.
And I'll be Alan Partridge! - A-ha! - God! No! Come back! Not my face! I'm doing a photo-shoot for Vision Express! I'll give you a Chinese burn! Ha! You bastard! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- I just want to be your friend.
- I'll be your friend.
Oh, great.
Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend? - I'd love to.
- Guess where he lives.
Go on, have a guess.
- Nottingham? - No.
Chester.
- Where? - Chester.
North Wales.
Off the M56.
- No.
Leeds! - Oh, Leeds.
Can you smell gas? I think that's my breath.
I ate a scotch egg.
I thought it would have broken down by now, but I think I'm slightly constipated.
It's surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
I'm Sorry, Alan.
I didn't know.
Are you all right? Yeah.
- So we're friends? - Best friends.
- In the whole world? - Pretty much, yeah.
Thank you.
I hope you'll not be a stranger.
Er, no, I won't be one.
Good.
Well, there'll always be a kettle on here.
Oh, great.
See you next week, then.
We'll have that pint.
- Yup.
- See my brother.
No way, you big spastic! You're a mentalist! Come back! I'll rip your bloody head off! Come back! Oh, it's a dead end.
Where's the road? Where's the road? He's a mentalist! Help me, someone!
Indeed, the lines are open if you want to comment on either architecture or morality, two equally hot, but differently-shaped potatoes.
Chips and crinkle-cut chips.
So give me a call - please! Seriously though, do give me a call.
It's 4.
50 am.
The Queen is dead, long live the Kings' Singers.
Just pop your elbow on there you've locked the door.
Sometimes you don't want to.
We've had several calls during the last few hours about a humorous comment I made.
Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead.
It was a humorous intro into a song, which has been taken too literally by one or two listeners, and a newspaper.
So just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth Il is not dead.
Unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid.
Coming up to seven o'clock.
Gadzooks! It's the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire.
Good morning to you, sir.
Arise, Sir Alan of Partridgeshire.
Shall we stop talking in a medieval way? What's on your show today? Right.
Get dialling.
If you want to cross the Clifton suspension quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible £11,OOO.
So just to remind you of You're sexy.
Yes.
- Sorry.
- I didn't know you cared, Alan! That was OAP - Old Alan Partridge.
I'm not old! I'm 43, you cheeky git! And this is Blue Oyster Cult from the album "Agents Of Fortune".
# The chances of anything coming from Mars # Are a million to one # Morning # But still they come.
# Morning, Mr Partridge.
"War of the Worlds.
" "Wild Woods"? No.
"War of the Worlds.
" Guess the tune.
Oh.
Yes.
What do you reckon? "3 p.
m.
An Afternoon with Alan Partridge," "with special celebrity guest star, Sue Cook.
" Yeah.
Could you just put "Plus Sue Cook"? The good thing about this is that you can't hear your Geordie accent on the board.
You should turn this into a sandwich board and press on your chest what you're tying to say.
Sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawking's voice box.
The good thing about Stephen Hawking is, he is clear.
It's you, isn't it? You're Alan Partridge.
- Yes, I am.
- I don't believe it! I'm your biggest fan.
I'm coming this afternoon.
I've got my ticket.
Shake my hand! What's it about, then, Alan? It's basically a TV show that's not on TV.
Really? It's like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook.
Brilliant.
It's such a pleasure to shake your hand.
- I can see you're enjoying it.
- Yeah! - You're not going to let it go? - No.
Can I have it back? Thanks.
It's so nice that your fans can meet you.
A lot of them don't, and it's fans like us that make you what you are.
I don't actually agree with that.
I know some people do, but I don't.
- Can I have your autograph? - Certainly.
What's your name? - Jed Maxwell.
- No relation to Robert Maxwell? No.
You're not going to go fat and steal my pension? - No.
- Just a joke.
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Actually - Could you ask me for this later? - You've done it now.
It just says, "To Jed Maxwell from Alan".
- It sounds like you know me.
- OK.
"To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith.
" Who's he? Never heard of him.
I'm expecting two TV executives from RTE who are coming from Dublin.
- We're brunching.
- Can I shake hands again? No.
You've had enough.
It would make me look important if you could ask for my autograph then and shake my handlater! Never you mind, Alan.
- You can rely on me.
- Thank you.
It's Alan Partridge.
I can't believe it! You haven't lost it, Alan.
I don't care what they say.
See you later.
Er, Susan? That's a nice smell.
Is that new perfume? - Yes, it is.
- It's very nice.
What is it? - My fiance bought it - I didn't ask who bought it.
- It's Ralph Lauren.
- Can I have a sniff? Yes.
Sure.
Sorry.
I shouldn't touch members of staff unless I'm reprimanding them, and then I'll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms.
Oh, there was a call for you.
A Mr Nishead rang.
- Did he leave a first name? - No.
No.
It was just a Mr P Nishead.
Sophie That's a crank call.
- It's another crank call.
- Is it? Read it back.
Oh, yes.
I can see what he's done now.
Shall I put it on the list? If you would.
Can I see that list? I want to get to the bottom of this.
Mr G String.
Mr Nick Hers, Y Fronts Mr T Osser.
That doesn't even work.
Mr B Oddie.
This is Bill Oddie.
It's not a crank call.
Why have you put it on there? Well, we thought it looked like "body".
- What's rude about a body? - Tits? - Good morning, Sophie.
- Good morning.
Did you sleep well? Yeah.
It was a good night, wasn't it? If you're professional and you know you're working in the morning, then you would have got your head down about midnight? Yeah.
I got my head down all right.
I've had some pretty late night sessions myself.
Yeah.
In 1976, I saw ElO at the Birmingham NEC.
I was there shouting with everyone eke, "Come back on, ElO, and carry on playing!" Alan, your P.
A.
's arrived.
Lynn, let me take that.
Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge and Wagon Wheels.
Excellent.
- Can I take that for you? - Oh, how very thoughtful.
I'll take it.
I'll take it.
This'll happen to you when you hit 4O.
It's cutting into my fingers.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Can you smell my breath? It smells a bit like gas.
- You know what that is? - No.
Those scotch eggs we had at the petrol station last night.
- What time was that? - About quarter to 11.
Yeah.
It's going to be in the system till about four.
- I'll buy a packet of mints.
- Great.
- Alan, there's a call for you.
- Right.
You go on up, Lynn.
Hello.
Right.
Well, where are you? Oh, come on! Oh, this is Oh, that's bang out of order! Well, take a look in the mirror.
Pardon? No.
I've got a better idea.
Shove it up your arse! Sue Cook's pulled out.
Michael, change that to "An Afternoon with Just Alan Partridge".
OK.
Roger and out.
We're not on short-wave radio.
It is quite eye-catching.
Not what you were taught in the Army - camouflage.
I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training.
We had to do target identification.
You had to gang into this building full of people, identify the hostages and take out the terrorists.
I've sort of employed it here, like.
I know what you mean.
A few weeks ago, I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar, and afterwards a bunch of us went down to laser Quest.
In there, it's very scary.
Seconds count.
Aye.
Quick on the draw, quick on the draw! Look.
If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon - What you want to do is - I love this.
It's no laughing matter.
When you draw your weapon, right, make it as smooth as you possibly can.
So draw, hold, fix and fire and then move and fire move and fire move and fire, move and fire! - Get back in the lift, Lynn! - Reload! I'm up.
Michael! - What do you think you're doing? - Sorry.
So do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you? God, no! Oh, I see I'm very grateful you've come over.
Big fans of all the Irish stuff.
Um I love your pop music.
Enyaand the other one.
Ripped up the Pope.
Bald chap.
And I think that's it.
- Well, there's U2, of course.
- U2.
Sunday Bloody Sunday.
Encapsulates the frustration of Sunday.
You wake up in the morning, you've got to read the Sunday papers, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think, "Sunday, bloody Sunday!" l hate to do this to you, Alan, but it's actually a song about Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.
Massacre.
Urgh! Not playing that again.
I must say, it's a really horrible hotel.
- Who stays in a place like this? - Terrible.
It's so sterile here.
Yes, it is.
The staff are polite, but their smiles are - Painted on.
- Yeah.
Exactly.
It's very fake, isn't it? The great thing about this hotel is its situation.
It's equidistant between London and Norwich.
That's the genius of its location.
Even though I do hate it and I don't live here, I pop in for breakfast.
- Hello, Alan.
- Which is why she knows me.
Hello, Susan.
Just clocking the name tag there.
Can we have four full British Isles breakfasts, please? - Certainly.
- Yeah.
You robot.
l wouldn't be surprised if she went and opened up her chest, and turned her smile up.
It's a nice chest, but full of wires.
Do you smell gas? Do you want a mint? - The food will probably - Break it down.
Break it down, yes.
I'll get some grapefruit juice.
That'll help.
Where are you from in Ireland? Aidan is from Selbridge, which is near Dublin, and I'm from West Cork.
- Oh, whereabouts? - You know Skibbereen? Oh, Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child.
I used to go on nature trails and spot flowers - and Mummy used to say - There we go.
Ruby grapefruit juice.
I thought I'd take the jug in case it's quaffed by R2D2 over there.
(SUSAN) Tea? Coffee? (ROBOTIC) Tea or coffee? Tea or coffee? Four teas, please.
- You ever been to Ireland, Alan? - No.
I'd love to go.
It amazes me when people say that and it's only £49 on a plane.
I think that's what puts me off.
Well, that's the small talk.
Now let's get down to business.
Now, your programme (IRISH ACCENT).
.
what's the big idea? Well, the "big idea" is that we want to produce a show that appeals to mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish Sea.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, scary Irish man! Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets.
They're worn by Saddam Hussein, Frank Spencer, and the French.
.
.
but celebrate the culture of both countries.
Yeah.
I think the Irish are going through a major image change.
I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons people with eyebrows on their cheeks badly tarmacked drives in this county, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish.
I think people are saying, "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this".
A good slogan for the tourist board.
("IRISH" ACCENT) "There's more to Ireland dan dis.
" - There we go.
- Thanks very much.
You blonde bastardfrom the future.
Phew, this looks disgusting.
Still, might as well eat it.
So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine? Two million, and another two million had to leave the county.
If it was just potatoes that were affected, you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.
They could afford to eat in a modest restaurant.
Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I'm tying to get an angle.
I think you're increasingly moving towards an area - we want to move away from.
- You're right.
Live TV can blow up in your face.
Sorry about that.
You must be sick of that.
- Of what? - Being blown up, bombs.
- I'm from Dublin.
Not in Dublin.
- But that's where you make them.
You've come all this way, and I think you're being a bit negative.
No.
I was interested in something earlier.
Lynn, when you were talking about going to Skibbereen as a child.
I wonder if there's something in that.
Did you have any friends or cousins over while you were there? Could I have your autograph? - Certainly.
What's your name? - Jed Maxwell.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) "From Alan Partridge.
" I think there's some interesting A-a-a-a-al.
listen I think if we, um If you stick around for the Afternoon with Alan Partridge, then afterwards you can talk to Lynn AND me about Lynn.
(ORGAN MUSIC.
.
"KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU" BY ABBA) A-ha! Good afternoon.
(MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN) (MUSIC.
.
"I'M A LUMBERJACK" FROM MONTY PYTHON) (DRUM MACHINE PLAYS) (VERY FAST DRUMBEAT) (MUSIC STOPS) Sorry.
Couple of gremlins in the system.
Ghosts in the machine.
Perhaps a metaphor for Good evening.
I might as well say this now, Sue Cook has pulled out.
(SOME GROANS) So if anyone wants to leave, then now's the time.
Amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
Question from there.
Has your career gone off the rails? No, not you, the woman behind.
Are you in favour of the death penalty? Yes, I am.
For treason and murder.
Say "Pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre" to anyone and they'll probably look blankly at you Hello? Why do people do that? very clever men.
Both very clever men, but I don't trust them.
Gerry Adams looks like a deputy headmaster and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without make-up.
OK.
Let's recap.
Draw the gun from the holster, there's one in the chamber and move and fire move and fire, move and fire.
The terrorist is disoriented from the stun grenades.
Remember the double - bang, bang.
We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target, and we do that in two areas - anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept.
Get one there, he's going down.
Or you can take a head shot.
Again, he's going down.
I think we've got time for just one more question.
- Lady at the back.
- Yes, Alan.
I wondered if you had any more Alan Partridge tie and badge packs? Yes, I do.
I've got one here.
They're available in reception priced £19.
99 - £20.
The penny's just a price rhetoric.
Some of the boxes are a bit faded but I was made promises about storage that were not kept.
So that's all from me.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Sorry.
Got to go.
Oh, there you are.
So what do you think? - Well, I wouldn't be depressed.
- I'm not.
- When you were with that woman - Did you see her face? Classic.
- She was frightened.
- Yeah.
I know.
So perhaps we could go and chat about all my other ideas in my room.
- Your room? - My room.
In my house.
Where's your house? Just down the road.
Our house.
Do you remember the man who came up to ask for my autograph? - No.
- Good.
This is Jed.
He's my driver.
- Hello, Jed.
- Hello.
And business partner.
Hello.
And we live together.
We're not gay! I've nothing against them.
It's just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve he didn't create Adam and Steve.
I'm kind of a homo-sceptic.
Whatever.
I just would like to get out of here.
Let's go.
Have you seen the film "The Crying Game"? Yes, I saw it.
We, er The woman with the old tadger I suppose the sequel will have a man with a a fanny.
This is my house.
Where I live.
Nice and out of the way.
With Jed.
After you.
- A bowl of bread there.
- What's that for? Just, erfriends.
I'll put the kettle on.
Right.
Um Shall we go into the? Yes, the lounge.
Grab a pew.
There's only the one chair.
The other one burnt down.
If Jed and I are both in here, I tend to do this.
Sort of lean on the wall.
Yeah.
Perched on the arm.
That's a good one.
I've tried that one.
Nice picture of yourself on the TV.
I always leave this here, so I'm always on the telly.
Who's the other one? This is David Copperfield.
Yes.
He's the American magician, you know? "I'm an American.
" Yes.
He claims to have made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but it's still there.
Talking out of his arse.
Is that an original? I don't know why I bought this painting.
This has got a very haunting quality.
Man and machine.
I mean, I often look at this in the morning and think "Oh, I'd like to kiss her".
Actually, do you mind if I use your toilet? - By all means.
- Where is it? Um I'll show you.
This is the lobby.
I like to read the Sunday papers in here.
I can never find the light switch in here.
Oh, my God! I am such a bighead! Two things.
One, presumably you think I'm a bit odd and you'd like to leave now.
Yes.
And two.
- Can I come with you? - No.
(JED) Tea's up.
I'm Sorry.
We've only got one mug.
You're the biggest.
You'd better have the mug.
You'll have to have this milk jug.
It's a bit like a mug.
I'll have the coffee jar, and there you go, Alan.
It's the ball thing you have in washing machines.
That's right! It's called an airealator.
Cheers.
Yeah.
I often think I should swallow this whole and let it slosh round my system, dispensing the coffee.
The trouble is it'd be quite difficult to swallow and even harder to Where have they gone? You don't think my room scared them, do you? I think they might have found it a bit creepy.
It must be odd being surrounded by photos of yourself.
It is a bit, yeah.
I like David Copperfield as well.
Not as much as you.
He's losing the battle for wall space, isn't he? Did you take these on a telephoto lens? - Yeah.
- Are you the crank caller? - Yeah.
- Yup, thought so.
I'm just a fan, Alan, that's all.
Your biggest fan.
- Yeah.
- I'll show you something.
Glory be! It took 14 hours! I fainted three times.
Jed, I'll level with you.
I'm really scared.
- Um In fact, I think I'll go.
- No.
- It's OK - No, stay! Don't go! All right.
I'll stay! I'll stay.
What do you want to do? - Let's do an interview.
- That's a great idea.
- Really? - It's the best idea in the world.
Oh, great.
Well, you can be David Copperfield.
And I'll be Alan Partridge! - A-ha! - God! No! Come back! Not my face! I'm doing a photo-shoot for Vision Express! I'll give you a Chinese burn! Ha! You bastard! I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
- I just want to be your friend.
- I'll be your friend.
Oh, great.
Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend? - I'd love to.
- Guess where he lives.
Go on, have a guess.
- Nottingham? - No.
Chester.
- Where? - Chester.
North Wales.
Off the M56.
- No.
Leeds! - Oh, Leeds.
Can you smell gas? I think that's my breath.
I ate a scotch egg.
I thought it would have broken down by now, but I think I'm slightly constipated.
It's surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
I'm Sorry, Alan.
I didn't know.
Are you all right? Yeah.
- So we're friends? - Best friends.
- In the whole world? - Pretty much, yeah.
Thank you.
I hope you'll not be a stranger.
Er, no, I won't be one.
Good.
Well, there'll always be a kettle on here.
Oh, great.
See you next week, then.
We'll have that pint.
- Yup.
- See my brother.
No way, you big spastic! You're a mentalist! Come back! I'll rip your bloody head off! Come back! Oh, it's a dead end.
Where's the road? Where's the road? He's a mentalist! Help me, someone!