I'm Sorry (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

We're basically done, I mean we're just doing tweaks, but I'm actually really happy with how it's going.
Hey, is that Dr.
Greenblatt? Oh, yeah, yeah, that is.
Wow wow, wow! Oh, my God.
- I thought he was married.
- Yeah, for like, 20 years.
Well, he's either divorced or having an affair, which isn't that pretty much everyone these days? No, we're not.
- You don't know me.
- I know we're not divorced.
- Well, do you? - Yeah, just keep looking left.
All right, all about the left, all about the left.
Oh, I'm in a situation on the left, I'm going to have to swing right.
Andrea, Mike, hey, hi.
Oh, my God! Dr.
Greenblatt! - Hey, I thought it was you two.
- I didn't recognize you without you jamming your fingers in my mouth.
Oh, sorry, I can do that now if you'd like.
Hi! We're patients of your This is my wife, Vicki.
I'm sure I've gushed about her to you over the years.
It's nice to finally meet Vicki the wife.
- Nice to meet you.
- Are you guys celebrating like an anniversary or something? No, no, we're just out for a quick bite.
- Tuesday.
- Oh.
- You want to sit? - Oh, no, no.
- We'll let you get back to your dinner.
- You're finished.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So nice to meet you, and so nice to see you.
I recommend the creme brulee, mostly because I want to see you two more often.
Ah ah-ha, okay.
- Keep flossing.
- Oh, we will keep flossing.
That is his wife.
Oh, fuck you.
[music.]
I can't make up my mind if it was weird they were making out, or weird that it was in public.
Oh, it was weird that it was in public.
We've never been those people.
And we're, like, happily married and we're still totes horns for each other, right? We are totes horns.
Even my therapist says, by the way, very rare.
We have sex, like, three times a week, that's a lot.
- We have sex two times a week.
- You don't know what I do.
I know exactly how many times we've had sex.
It does bring up an interesting point, though.
When was the last time we just, like, we made out? We made out three days ago.
That was for, like, five seconds and led right into sex, that's not making out.
What do you mean by "just make out"? I'm talking about make out.
I'm talking about, like, there's no goal in mind, we take our time, and it's just being in each other's mouths.
Oof, that makes me sick.
It's like our tongues are resting on each other's tongues and we settle into just tongue on tongue.
Just, like, a real good make out.
This is ruining kissing for me forever.
I feel like you just need to experience it anew.
Do you want to be make out people? No, I'm not saying I want to be make out people.
I just want to know if other people are, like, going around, behind closed doors, doing stuff like this.
Stuff like being affectionate and intimate? Yeah, exactly, because I'll get pitchforks and I will run them out of their homes.
They can't act like that.
I will say, though, I feel like old Dr.
Greenblatt was really just kind of, like, showing off in front of us.
I don't know if I'd go back to him after his behavior tonight.
It does kind of make him seem kind of like a pervert.
Do you think so? Huh, now I kinda want to go back to him.
Like "Sophie's Choice," I choose pervert.
That's clear.
Okay, so it's a first date, they're having a good time, I mean, Lori's suspicious, but she's into him.
Christopher walks her to her car, you think it's going to be the big first kiss moment, he leans in and he says, "Can I get a blowjob?" Yeah, I like it, I like it.
But we should have him ask for a handjob.
Why would he ask for a handjob? Because asking for a handjob is just creepier.
Yeah, but it's so much easier to do.
A blowjob would be a bigger ask.
But that's the common ask.
A handjob, you can give yourself a handjob, so to be asking someone to give it to you Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you can't.
You can't give yourself a handjob? No, you can jerk yourself off, you can't give yourself a handjob.
A handjob is a job for another person.
- Why? - It's the same reason you can't tickle yourself.
Some people sit on their hand, wait for it to go numb and then jerk off.
You didn't say, "some people sit on their hand, take their hand out and give themselves a handjob.
" Okay, regardless, though, if I was on a first date, and a guy asks for a blowjob, I'd be like, ugh, annoyed.
But if he asked for a handjob? But if it's a first date, a blowjob is so intimate.
Intimacy isn't what's funny, it's that it's the stranger request.
Let's table this for now.
Oh, shit, I gotta go.
I got that kindergarten admissions interview.
I can't believe you're going from blowjobs to kindergarten.
Oh, no, I'm not, I'm going from handjobs to kindergarten.
- It's weird you're a mother.
- I know, right? Actually, she's very cute, so I keep her.
She was doing this pirate girl thing the other day.
- You want to see pics? - Sure, I love pirates.
Okay, scroll through quickly.
Oh, that's great! Right? Very good amazing.
God damn it! I can't believe I fell for this again.
It's my favorite bit.
It's so crazy, it's like she's biting down on, like, a fleshy animal's tail.
But it's like she's getting a real kick out of it.
Her eyes say she's kind of delighted by it.
What? Have you looked at her eyes? Her eyes say, "I'm capable of biting this dick off.
" All right, I gotta go.
I will email you the changes, obviously I'll change that handjob.
Blow job.
You know what, you're right, it is weird that I'm going from blowjobs to a meeting where I have to say, "I appreciate how your school fosters" a sense of independence and self-worth, which is what we want her school to do.
Good, well, we are very proud of our program here and we really believe in what we do.
- You should.
- Thank you.
So, tell me a little bit about yourselves and what is it that you two do? - Well - I'm a lawyer, mostly entertainment law.
And I am a writer.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
What kind of stuff do you write? Uh it's a lot of different mediums, - sort of that I could go - Such as? slightly in the comedy space.
There's some web, you know, just different sort of like, podcast-y things.
- Oh, like NPR? - Yeah, like NPR.
The thing that I always look back at is that it's the teachers that I had that instilled the confidence in me in the first place to become a writer.
I feel the same way about my teachers, I mean, that's probably how I ended up here.
I think that went well.
That went very well.
I really liked old Joan Joan.
Nice job dodging the "what do you write?" question.
Oh, my God, what if she asks me for that podcast? She's going to be looking for your podcast.
Oh, "Joansies loves Chachies" is not gonna like that podcast.
- Nope, you nailed that one.
- Thank you.
But we're still not telling her your last name, right? Oh, God, no, we can't have Joansies Googling me.
- No, no good will come of that.
- No.
Unless she thinks I'm the other Andrea Warren whose that head nun at the Stanbrook Abby in Devonshire, England, because she does very, very important things.
So you're the one googling yourself, let's be honest.
Hey, just be lucky you're not married to the other Andrea Warren who burned her house down - with her entire family inside.
- She sounds nice.
- Okay.
- All right.
I gotta go pick up Amelia, I'll see you later.
Wait.
You think this is one of those moments where we're supposed to like make out? - Make out? - Yeah.
Why would we make out now? I don't know, bro! I'm just trying to be open to new things.
Uh-huh, this is what you're open to? Making out in the potential school parking lot.
Listen, we're just all spinning on the same big, blue marble.
- Cool, bro.
- So, bye, bro.
Get on the marble.
I haven't gone to the bathroom alone in five years.
Aww, but then Max, you're going to miss him when he doesn't want to do that anymore.
Okay, I have a question for your guys it's less about pooping.
Sorry, Brian.
All right, I know we don't know each other that well, but I need a group of married people for this poll.
Do you guys ever just, like, make out? - Like with my husband? - Yeah.
Mike and I were out the other night, we saw this, like, longtime couple just going at it, and I was like, is everyone else just going around, making out? Making out is what you do when you can't have sex.
- Right? - Right, yeah.
Well, I feel like Brendon and I something just make out.
- Really? - I mean, not out in public.
Sometimes it's nice to have affection that doesn't have to end in sex.
You know what, that's actually a good way to put it.
I agree with that, and I feel like Mike and I do, but I don't know.
Laura, Affection may be your Love Language.
What are the words coming out of your mouth right now? Your Love Language Oh, see, Gail and I have been reading this book Really? called "The Five Love Languages," and it's all about how people are springing different expressions of love in very different ways.
Do you have to do this with it? It makes you want to do this if you read that book.
It does, yeah, my husband and I read it.
It just kind of tweaks the way you think about your relationship.
Can I borrow your copy? No, no.
What do you mean, "No, no"? Why can't I borrow your copy? Just download it.
No, I'm not going to download it! I like a book in my hand, I'm not a monster, Brian.
If anyone knows monsters, it's this monster.
- How dare you? - Oh, he likes you, he is such a flirt.
Oh, he is going to be such a heartbreaker, you better watch out.
Oh, what about this smiling little girl? She's going to be a little cock tease.
You watch out.
Wow.
Oh no, I'm not obviously calling her an actual blank-tease, I was You said he was a flirt, he's a baby.
I was doing the same thing.
I I was just flipping it for the girls' side, you know.
By the way, it's kind of a poignant joke, if you think about it, talking about that the way we talk about different genders - Oh, my God, here are the kids! Yay! - [kids screaming.]
It just seems like everyone at school is, you know, joking around, they're seemingly very cool, and then suddenly I say something that clearly crosses a line.
I forget that other people have a much closer line than the hilarious, disgusting, broken people that I consider to be some of my closest friends.
Yeah, as a lawyer I got to go to work and be serious in front of my clients, but then I get to come home and relax and be funny.
You are the worst.
The point is, everyone has to wear a two hats.
I know, but for me, it's like two very different hats.
It's like, one is a hat and one is a blouse.
Well, you gotta make a blouse - look good on top of your head.
- Done.
'Cause you're going to have to pull back a little at school unless you want "cock tease" to define your daughter.
Mike, that baby was the cock tease.
Amelia is more a prude.
Feel free to pull back at home too.
Obviously I don't want to negatively affect her life, and these people are her world, farts, farts, farts.
I guess this is one of those shitty times where I have to suck it up and pretend to be grown up.
I've kind of been waiting for this moment.
- Oh, fuck your face, Mike.
- Really? Yeah.
I don't think that's the one.
I think they recommended "The Four Agreements" and "Way of the Peaceful Warrior".
I already read "Peaceful Warrior".
Oh, what about "The Power of Now"? If you guys are looking for "The Four Agreements" Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop, but - No.
- I think that's your guy.
Thank you.
You guys really are working through this section.
I'm impressed.
I'm just going through some stuff.
- He's working on himself.
- I like your honesty.
Is that like a pre-requisite to even step into this area? - How about you? - Why are you in this section? I guess we are being honest.
Nothing, really, I'm just picking up this book, a friend of mine recommended it.
- I read that book.
- Really? Gary Chapman is the shit.
I feel like that should be on the cover.
- Acts of Service.
- I don't know what that means.
That's my Love Language, how to accept love.
Okay, okay, he said a little bit about, okay.
Dude, remember we thought yours was "Word of Affirmation"? Oh, yeah, "Acts of Service" is my main, because of my mom, she was never really super huggy-kissy.
Mine, the same thing.
My mom is not like an, "I love you" person.
But mine, she was always there, helping me out.
I'm might be the same thing, Acts of Service, that's what she does for me.
I'm very excited to read this now.
Thank you guys for the rec.
Physical touch is my love language.
Oh, okay, cool, cool.
I'm sorry.
Are you waiting for me to touch you? Whatever you want.
Okay, sure.
There you go, how did that feel? Thanks, man.
You know what? I don't think I'm Physical Touch.
I'm going with vest, Acts of Service.
- All day, every day.
- All day, every day.
[phone ringing.]
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Grampy! Hey, sunshine! I'm sending you kisses [kissing sound.]
- Okay, it's just me now.
- Oh, okay.
So you know how I'm dating my allergist? No, I didn't even know you had allergies.
Yeah, she's that good.
Yeah, Bonnie's wonderful, I've never been so happy.
Oh, that's fabulous.
How long have you been seeing this Bon-bon? About a month now, and I'm excited about it.
- In fact, she's here now.
- Oh, good, good, good.
Honey, could I get another Merlot? Merlot? Dad, it's nine a.
m.
Where do we have to be, sweetheart? - Apparently nowhere sober.
- So listen, we spend a lot of time with her kids.
- You do? - Yeah, and I was thinking that I would like her to get to meet you guys.
I would love to meet Bonnie.
How about you come over for drinks next Saturday? Okay, so like at nine a.
m.
? Whenever you want to start.
All right, let me talk to Mike, and we'll figure out when a good time is for us to come.
Enjoy your morning Merlot, dad.
And it's casual, wear anything you want.
- I wasn't going to dress up.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Big news Thank you, by the way My dad has allergies, and also a new girlfriend.
Well, at least he moved off your mom.
Please, he's biding his time until Leon dies.
But we're going to head over to my dad's and meet Bonnie next weekend for a drink.
Very cool.
Oh, what's happening? You like that? Yeah sure, I think.
Okay wow.
According to this book that I've been reading, everybody takes in love in, like, a different way, and those are called their Love Languages, and I think for you, your Love Language is Physical Touch.
- Okay.
- With a little bit of Words of Affirmation.
You are great.
That probably should creep me out, but that was actually very nice.
- Right? - Thank you.
And it actually makes a lot of sense.
What other languages are there? Well, we got your Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, you got Gift Giving, Acts of Service, and Quality Time.
Doesn't everyone love all those things, or? If you think about it, one of them will particularly speak to you.
Like in my case, it's all Acts of Service.
You could say nice things to me all day, it wouldn't mean shit.
- Oh.
- But if you, like, make a dinner reservation, then I get a giant lady boner, bing.
Is it hard to make a dinner reservation? No, but that's not the point.
It's like you did something for me and so then I don't have to.
I think it's sweet that you're thinking about our relationship.
I always think about our relationship.
I know you do, but I know that this is I don't always think about our relationship.
I appreciate never, and Just to be clear, but I am thinking about it now.
- Would you like me to read the book? - Go for it.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
How about I make dinner tonight? Mmm bing.
- You got that was my clitoris, right? - Yep, I read.
And putting together that desk from Ikea was impossible.
Oh, yeah, it's the worst.
By the end, Jeff is on top, I'm on the bottom, and we still can't shove the thing in the hole.
That's what she said.
Okay, I wasn't going to say it, for the record.
By the way, Acts of Service with a little touch of Gift Giving.
I read the book.
Oh, same but different A little touch of Gift Giving, with a skosh of Acts of Service.
Oh, I see you.
Yeah, I'm looking at you as well.
Acts of Service, that was my nickname in college.
Oh, no, that's what we call you now.
Oh, coming in strong! I like it! Hey, what do you have in there? It looks really heavy.
Oh, that's just heroin, I sell it to the kids.
It's important to get them hooked young.
I mean, the good news is their skin melts back so fast you never see the track marks.
Oh, come on! Everyone's on board for the slutty nickname and jamming things in Callie's hole? This, this is the thing that crosses the line? I think you I'm not carrying heroin in my bag! I got books in here, used books that I am donating to the school.
Okay, I get it, it was a funny joke.
Okay, thank you.
Plus, I mean, guys, this is a pretty nice bag.
I'm not going to put heroin in here.
It's obviously made more for cocaine.
Oh, my God.
Okay, you know what? Let's talk about carpool.
I was actually married to Martin's lawyer.
- Oh, well, well.
- And we were all friends, but then I realized he wasn't the one for me, and I turned around and there was Martin.
Oh, my God, Bonnie, I'm sorry, that must have been very startling.
- Well - Like at your window, plastered up against it.
One month in, I still can't shake him, that's what's startling.
Should we be alarmed, Bonnie? Maybe we should establish a safe word.
I have met my match.
I'm going to get another drink anybody else? I'm good I'll help you get more chips, though.
I'll have another Rose, sweetie.
Honey, you want me to get you anything? Yeah, yeah, I'll have another glass of wine, that'll be great.
- Okay, great.
- No, no, no, but I'll I'll get it.
- No, I got it.
- No, uh, seriously.
- Seriously, I don't mind.
- I will get it.
I will get it.
I don't want you to do it, I want to get it.
- No.
- All right.
This guy.
It looks to me like she's gonna get it.
- She's gettin' it.
- Mm-hmm.
Dad, I love Bonnie, she is awesome.
Yep, she's a keeper, huh? I have to say, it's refreshing to be around new love.
Why? Are you and Mike having problems? Dad, it's an expression.
Because I know how hard it is to keep a lasting relationship alive.
Trust me, I've been through two of them.
You've been through more than that, I think.
Actually, Mike and I are kind of zhuzhin our relationship a little bit these days, keeping it fresh.
I think there are really two fundamental truths you have to keep in mind for a happy relationship.
Number one, above all, it's about honesty and communication.
And number two, I don't think one person is ever going to fulfill everything you need, and I think it's wrong to expect that of someone.
That's actually very smart, that makes sense.
That's why you need to have an open relationship.
What? It's what Bonnie and I have.
Wow! - Really? - Yeah.
Cool, cool, cool.
I'm going to head outside with all this stuff, but thank you for all that advice, cool.
Again, cool, cool, cool.
Speaking of which, how's your mother? Still with Leon.
- And he is? - Very healthy.
Wait, wait, wait, an open relationship? Yeah, yeah.
It was crazy, okay, he was acting like he was making complete sense and he understood how hard a relationship is to maintain, and then suddenly I'm picturing my dad in an "Eyes Wide Shut" situation.
Oh, I don't want to picture any of that.
Yeah, you know what I know? We need to keep this marriage amazing, because otherwise it's just morning Merlot and orgies in my future, okay? Which is normally something I would pretend sounds amazing just to bother you, but I can't even joke right now.
I understand.
I don't want to be those people that are like, "Oh, we've been together for so long, we need to spice things up.
" Are we? Are we those people? - Maybe? - Because I don't think a little nice gesture and fickle touch is gonna cut it, my friend.
I knew that that shoulder rub wasn't random.
Were you really jumping out of your seat to get that glass of wine? No, see, everything I do feels calculated.
That book got in my head.
Yeah, well, this is why we don't rely on ourselves to work on ourselves, okay, number one.
You know who I blame? Fucking Brian, and fucking Gail.
- Who's Gail? - Brian's wife, Gail.
- Oh, right.
- We've gone to dinner with them.
Yeah, fuck those guys.
You know what? This should be our Love Language, telling people to go fuck themselves.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, my God! He's just, like, so casual about it.
Maybe we should go talk to Jim? Yeah, a therapy session probably wouldn't hurt.
You want me to make the appointment? Fuck you and your nice gesture, I will make the appointment.
So, I mean, it's just everything's starting to feel really contrived with the Love Languages and then my dad is saying we should have sex with other people.
There's a lot of a lot of stuff being thrown at us at once.
- We are very confused.
- Yes, very confused.
Andrea, your dad is a whole separate therapy session.
- We should start saving up for that.
- Yeah.
Guys, you are not falling apart, okay? You've been together for ten years and you're in a rut.
This is what's amusing is I feel like we are genuinely happy.
- Yeah.
- And then suddenly, all of a sudden, - it's just stuff was feeling weird.
- Right.
You can be happy and still need to work on your romantic relationship.
But we have sex twice a week.
Some of us have it three times a week.
Listen, it's not about quantity, okay, it's about quality.
Do you feel like you still try new things and still surprise each other? - Yeah, I don't know.
- Maybe.
- There might be room for improvement.
- Yeah.
- I guess so.
- Yeah.
What you're going through is totally normal.
- That makes me feel better.
Good.
- Yeah.
You guys are great together, right? It's It's been some years.
And so you might need to make a little bit more of a conscious effort.
Why don't we talk about some tools? I'm so sorry, I just keep getting texted.
Someone's saying it's urgent, I'm sorry, honey, I'll be right back.
No problem.
Hi, is everything all right? What's happening? Are you okay? What's going on? You were right.
Handjob is funnier.
That's why you were calling me? Suck my dick, Kyle! But it is funnier, I told you so.
I have to go, bye.
Sorry, sorry.
My friend Kyle was in a small car accident.
He's shaken, but totally fine.
Okay, so where are we? We're going to get some tools to spicy our life up? I think we start with this, right? Too much shoulders, right? We're actually almost done with the outline.
I think we're going to be ready to pitch next week.
Okay, good.
I'm very happy with how it's coming out.
It's like really like - Oh, my God.
Jeez - [panting.]
What is happening? What? Mike, that doesn't go like that! Stop, I have lotion on! What Stop, stop, stop! Sorry sorry.
[panting.]
What? I'm going to need you to explain what just happened here.
Well [panting.]
- Jim, our therapist [panting.]
- Uh-huh.
He said that maybe because you're an alpha woman, maybe you would enjoy being dominated.
What? He said a lot of women have rape fantasies.
Our therapist told you to rape me? Yes, that's exactly the word he used, yeah.
I stepped out of the room for two seconds and he was like, "Hey, Mike, rape Andrea later?" I wanted to run it by you, but apparently the element of surprise is a crucial element.
I don't think you could have rape without the element of surprise, - I guess.
- Listen - I know you think this is funny.
- I Just give me a second, please.
We talked about spicing up things in the bedroom.
- You said, "Hey, what can we do?" - I did.
And you did the shimmy thing, so Are you saying that I asked for it? No no, no, no, no, I would never say that.
I'm kidding.
I honestly and this is something that unfortunately I feel like people don't get to say very often I think it's very sweet that you tried to rape me.
Wow, that sounds horrible.
No, I'm serious.
You, you put yourself out there and did something that's very contrary to your nature just because you thought I would like it, and that's actually very touching.
Thank you for trying to rape me.
[kissing sound.]
What? - Stop saying that word.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
Thank you for trying to violate me violently? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Do you need me to hold you? - Come here.
- Please, please.
I mean, you came in hot.
I don't think I'm ready to talk about this yet.
That's fair, I get that.
But remember when you came in from the bathroom and threw me on the bed and then tried to rape me? I was like, "What's happening?" [laughing.]
I'm going to take a shower.
Ooh, like a "Silkwood" shower? Oh, my God.
You know what, don't worry about it.
I'll get in there with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, maybe this worked out after all.
Well, you haven't seen the way I'm going to give you a shower.
"We ask that all parents please abstain from using any objectionable language while on school premises just in case little ears are listening.
" Do you think someone complained about my jokes? No, but the timing is conspicuous.
Okay, you know what, this is so stupid.
I'm not hiding, okay, I'm a mom and I do comedy, okay? Nothing I am doing is hurting Amelia.
Mommy, I just saw the funniest picture.
What was it, Bugs? It was a weird lady biting the tail of some animal.
Oh, my gosh, um That was a weird lady.
Okay, maybe I can pull back a little.
Sorry.