Imaginary Mary (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Look what I found in the fridge, a lovely rosé.
Or a pink lemonade that went bad.
Either way, it's doing the trick.
What are we drinking to? Hmm, nine days without freaking out about your committed relationship? It would've been 14 if Andy hadn't texted me that night.
Ben's kids really should not be texting me yet.
It's way too fast.
And the freak-out calendar is back to zero.
- Uh-oh.
- Nice one, blondie.
- Uh-oh, now it's your turn to freak out.
- [Scoffs.]
I don't freak out about anything.
Really? 'Cause I remember a certain game we used to play as kids.
You are very scared of vacuums.
- No, I'm not.
Shut up.
You are.
- [Vacuum whirring.]
I just like dirt 'cause dirt is cool, - and and I'm cool.
- [Laughs.]
Hey! Get that thing away from me! Come on! Okay? This isn't funny.
Okay, I'm over here.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
[Grunts.]
[Laughs.]
I feel like relaxing over here.
Just - Leave me alone.
Just, I-I - Got you.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
[Shouts.]
Okay, okay, I'm scared of vacuums! Turn it off! - [Shouts.]
- [Vacuum stops.]
[Sighs.]
No, I'm not.
- [Scoffs.]
- Yes, I am! I'm scared! I'm scared! - [Vacuum whirring.]
- Alice: Ha! Mary: This is Alice.
When she was a kid, she dreamed up me to be her BFF.
Now my girl has finally fallen in love, but she's in way over her head, so I'm back to help.
I've got this all figured out.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
Okay, before we watch the next episode, you need to know that in Season 12, Kiki thought she fell in love with Damon, but now Damon, according to US Weekly, is marrying the makeup artist from Season 6, which makes perfect sense 'cause when someone touches your face and makes you beautiful, you're like, "Yeah, I'll spend my life with you.
" Aw, poor Kiki.
And a little bit poor you.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants this show.
[Cellphone vibrates.]
Darn it! Strong language.
No, I forgot Zoe was having a party tonight.
I'll just tell her I can't make it.
- Which one is Zoe? - [Cellphone chimes.]
A friend.
Well, I've never met any of your friends, so can you give me a little more? I met her through Rebecca.
- And Rebecca is? - Zoe's friend.
Hey, you two.
What are we doing? Normally, I'd be partying hard with my friend Jeff, but he just moved away.
Aw.
That's hard.
Not as hard as Jeff and I used to party.
- Why don't you call your friend Finn? - Oh, we're just lab partners.
We don't mix science and pleasure.
Right.
Hey, Andy, Alice and I are just finishing up something, but I'll come find you in a minute.
- Got it.
- Yeah.
I'll come find you.
In your room.
Double got it.
You got an ETA on that or? We'll call it a soft 10.
I really do need to help that kid make some new friends.
[Laughs.]
You know how Dora is never around and never tells me anything? I need Andy to be more like that.
I think it's sweet how you're always there for him.
You're like his best friend.
- Oh, okay, I see the problem.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
Zoe again? No, now it's Rebecca, hounding me about skipping the party.
- [Sighs.]
- You know maybe the party doesn't have to be skipped.
Aw, you're so sweet, but I don't want to leave you home alone.
Where's the remote? Well, in my scenario, I wouldn't be home alone.
Oh, you'd be with Andy? No, 'cause I'd go to the party.
And I'd stay with Andy? There's an option you're not considering.
We can go together.
Mary: Oh, no.
We do not mix worlds.
When worlds collide, no one survives.
Ask the dinosaurs.
- Oh! Distract him with some Frenching.
- Um, I I said get to Frenching, woman! - I like what this show does to you, - Mm-hmm.
but I feel like you're avoiding the issue.
You know what I love? I love that you know me so well you know when I'm avoiding an issue.
Okay.
Okay.
Is there a reason you don't want to take advantage of this very convenient opportunity for me to meet your friends? Or is this just your usual fear of emotional hurdles and deepening commitment? - The uzhe.
- That's my girl.
Well, when you are ready, just know that I'd love to get to know the people in your life.
Okay.
[Click, indistinct talking on TV.]
FYI, I'm happy to meet Ben whenever you feel the time is right.
- [Grunts.]
- [Thud.]
- Left, right.
Left, right.
- Sorry I missed the party.
Was it fun? - It was the most amazing party.
- It was fine.
It was okay.
I get that when your friends disappear to marriage and motherhood, you have to restock but, uh, these two? You could've shopped around a little longer, right? [Laughs.]
Ooh.
Ow, ow, ow! Instructor: Good.
One, two.
One, two.
So, why didn't you make the party? I was hanging out with Ben.
You know, you could've brought him.
Oh, really? Oh, I didn't know he was invited.
Oh, that's my bad.
Maybe my text wasn't clear enough.
You know, the one that said, "Bring Ben.
We'd love to meet him.
" It's hard to read tone in text.
I heard it as [Sarcastically.]
"Bring Ben.
We'd love to meet him.
" Alice, seriously, we want to meet your boyfriend.
Okay, seriously, I would like to put that off for a while.
Not a big fan of mixing worlds.
Look, the first time I did something like that with Ben was when I met his kids, and it almost broke us up.
We're in a really good place right now, and I just want to stay here.
For the record, Ben is cool with it, too.
So Can I just get serious with you for a second, - as your best friend? - Best friend?! Who dis? Ben might say that he's okay with it, but that doesn't mean that he is.
I mean, meeting friends is pretty standard.
And if you're not willing to do the basic stuff, then this guy could bolt.
[Laughs.]
Bolting? This guy's got three kids dragging from his ankles.
He's not bolting anywhere.
- Are you serious? - Something to think about.
- Very serious.
- Dead serious.
She said she didn't want to mix worlds.
Best friend? More like "worst friend of all time" friend.
Ben's not gonna break up with me just because I want to keep my worlds a little separate.
If Damon can leave someone like Kiki, anything can happen.
Instructor: Good.
One, two.
Bunny, Madison's mom is here to pick you up! Girl takes the longest peepees.
I am so happy we've finally been able to schedule a playdate.
Seems like Bunny's been in high demand lately.
She's on a good run.
Three trips to the aquarium in one week That's got to be some kind of record.
Hi, Madison With the Brown Hair's mom.
No, I'm Madison With the Blond Hair's mom.
Oh, good.
I like her better.
Hey, you have an older son, right? Yeah, Mike.
Maybe we can set something up for Mike and Andy? [Laughs.]
Good one.
Can you imagine? Setting a playdate for our teenagers? [Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
Yeah, no, that would be insane.
That's something Madison With the Brown Hair's mom would suggest.
She's the worst.
I know.
I was joking.
[Laughs.]
[Door opens.]
[Door closes.]
- Hey, Dora.
- Yeah? You know Andy's friend Jeff moved away, right? And that Andy's having a tough time with it? Nope.
Okay, bye.
No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sweetie.
Ever notice how most of us hide our weirdness and don't reveal our true selves until after we've made friends? Andy leads with his weird.
I mean, in a perfect world, he'd be revered for his emotional honesty, but that's not the world we live in.
Yeah, no, I-I get what you're asking.
And, hey, you know, in a in a perfect world, I would love to help Andy make friends, but as you pointed out, it's not perfect, so bye.
- Whoa.
No, no.
- Oh, look! [Gasps.]
Your girlfriend's here.
You should talk to her instead of me.
[Sighs.]
Hi, babe.
Why are you listening to those girls? He is not gonna break up with you if he doesn't meet your friends.
I want you to meet my friends.
- [Groans.]
Why am I even here? - Shut up.
Really? Mixing worlds is fun.
It's normal.
I can do it.
- Great.
Let's set something up.
- Yeah.
- Tomorrow.
- Okay, even better.
Cool.
Don't talk me out of it.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Why didn't you talk me out of it? Oh, don't you dare.
[Sighs.]
What did I do? Why did I invite Ben - to meet my friends? - Mary: That's what you get when you listen to your worst friend, Rebecca.
[Coughs.]
Whore.
And not your best friend, me.
There are so many ways this mixing of worlds could go wrong.
What if my friends think he's a boring suburban dad, and then I start thinking he's a boring suburban dad, and then we break up? Scenario is highly likely.
Wouldn't kill the guy to jazz it up a bit.
What if they have nothing in common? What if Ben thinks they're a couple of millennial ding-dongs, which makes him start looking differently at me, which then leads him to breaking up with me? Well, that's a pretty real possibility.
'Cause those two are 10 out of 10 on the ding-dong scale.
It's official, then.
12 hours until I'm single again.
- Look, if you really like him - I really do.
All right, keep it in your pants.
Here's what we do.
We find a way these worlds can mix without really mixing.
Yes.
Exactly.
How? That makes no sense.
Remember after your parents split? Once a year, they'd take you out for your birthday and they'd somehow get through the night without anyone getting yelled at, ticked off, or stabbed.
They only stabbed each other once.
- It was not at my birthday party.
- Exactly.
'Cause the restaurant we always went to was too loud, too distracting, and too damn wonderful for anyone to even talk to each other.
Never mind stab each other.
My worlds can mix without mixing at all.
[Cheers and applause.]
So Right this way.
This okay? Oh, it's okay.
We can move over.
No, no, no.
Please, please, please, do not move.
We don't want to inconvenience you.
You're our nation's greatest treasure.
You guys sit there.
Wait, um Over here? Why couldn't we do that? I think it's gonna be a little hard for us to talk.
Shh.
Babe, look, he's chopping onions.
This is my favorite part.
She's in part of my brain Yeah, magical.
[Chuckles.]
So, Rebecca Hold up, here come the peppers.
These are my second favorite.
I catch up right To find the one, oh I can't stop, I can Fun, huh? So, Ben, Alice says you're a contractor.
- What do you work on? - Shrimp us! Yeah! Ben: Hey! Oh.
[Laughs.]
That shrimp just hit me in the face, Alice.
No, I can't - Yay.
- Alice: Bravo.
I'm not gonna clap.
Wait.
Do you guys not hear that? It's the sound of a thousand knives not being banged.
So we can talk now.
We have to take advantage.
Yeah, Ben, you either said that you went to college or that you liked collage.
FYI, I approve of both.
Well, interesting story.
Um, I actually applied Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear [Overlapping names mumbled.]
Happy birthday to you So glad you guys got to meet.
That was so fun.
Bye! Ben: Whoa.
Hold on.
I mean, did we really get to meet? This is where I go when I don't want to talk to my kids.
This is where I go when I don't want to talk to my parents.
I just don't like this place.
Right? This place sucks.
Let's disperse and get out of here.
Do you ladies think that someone was a little nervous about me meeting her friends and possibly, subconsciously, picked a place that makes it impossible for us to have any type of human interaction? No, I think maybe someone just likes onion volcanoes.
That's exactly right, Ben.
This isn't the first time Alice has tried to avoid mixing her worlds, but it is the first time a guy has noticed, so I like you.
Ooh, the bar downstairs has two-for-one drinks, and you get to keep the Buddha cup.
I have 30.
Well, you're about to get one to four more depending upon how much we all like our Buddha cups.
- Buddha cup! - This is happening.
No.
[Zoe squeals.]
[Groans.]
Hi, Bunny.
We'll have her back after dinner.
- Whatever.
- Bye.
- Yep, bye.
- Andy: Jeff, you just moved there.
You'll meet people.
Me? Uh, I am taking this time to get to know myself.
I think I'm a pretty cool guy.
Like, I see what you see in me.
[Laughs.]
All right, later, bro.
- [Cellphone beeps.]
- Okay.
I'm heading out.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Have fun.
[Cellphone keys clicking.]
Do you have plans tonight? I do.
- Oh, great.
- Get ready for a supportive handwritten letter, Jeff.
[Chuckles.]
Going old school.
And that's when I saw her, and I knew right then and there, I got to pretend to be a writer, schedule a fake interview, and somehow convince her to love me.
[Both laugh.]
It was weird, but it worked.
- Aw.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Cheers.
- Rebecca: Cheers.
- Cheers.
[Zoe whoops, giggles.]
Mmm.
Rebecca: And then Alice tells the guy, "You stay away from my friend, you creepy-ass [bleep.]
knuckle.
" [Laughter.]
- He was a priest.
- Oh, great.
- It was a misunderstanding.
- Still, such a good friend.
And, uh, Bunny goes, "Alice is fun - when she isn't breaking me.
" - [Laughter.]
[Laughs.]
Sorry.
I zoned out for five seconds.
What are we laughing at? - Classic Zoe.
- Classic Zoe.
[Giggles, squeals.]
[Mouths.]
I love them.
Well, I guess there was another way this mixing of the worlds could go that we didn't even predict.
They all love each other and they all love you.
I do think the Japanese steakhouse really loosened everyone up.
Gonna give myself some credit for that.
[Both laughing.]
Oh We did it! We did it.
You met my friends at my suggestion, no big deal, huge deal - [Sighs.]
- and it went great.
Oh, my gosh, it really did.
- [Laughs.]
- Thank you.
- Mmm.
- Mwah.
And why stop here? This may be the thrown shrimp talking, but I'm just gonna say it.
I want to meet your friends.
[Laughs.]
Okay, sweetie.
We'll get there.
Right now, you're just high on world-mixing and MSG.
No, I'm serious.
We're on a roll.
Let it ride.
My friends are all dorky dads.
It won't be nearly as fun.
A lot of carpool talk and hemorrhoids.
I don't care.
I showed you mine, show me yours.
Not your hemorrhoids, your friends.
This did go great, but just 'cause something goes great doesn't mean you keep doing it.
You don't open all your presents on Christmas.
You do, actually.
Am I not making myself clear? I, Alice, want to meet your friends.
Do you not want them to meet me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no.
- Hmm.
You want to meet 'em? [Scoffs.]
Let's do it.
Uh, speaking of meet, we'll have a barbecue.
It'll be like a-a meet-meat.
Okay.
I'm excited.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
Don't try to talk me out of it.
Okay, bye.
Ben: See you at the barbecue! [Door opens, closes.]
That wasn't weird, right? Weird? No.
Sketchy and suspicious? Yeah.
And now that I'm sort of running it back in my head, also weird.
All right, Ben was acting so weird about this.
We got to figure out what's going on.
Alice: Let's not freak out about it.
I don't want to make such a big deal.
Maybe he was just nervous like I was.
Oh, Alice.
- So beautiful.
So always wrong.
- Hi! Hey, babe! Everyone, this is Alice.
- Together: Hey, Alice.
- Hey, everyone.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, so This is my buddy Jonathan.
Nice to meet you, Alice.
You, too.
[Shrieks.]
Dad, grill fire! Thank you.
That's how the meat gets cooked, Andy.
- No, this is different! - I know you can handle it.
I know that I can't! - So this is great, huh? - Maybe you should help him.
- It's spreading like wildfire! - Mm.
He's fine.
- I'm fine.
- [Shouting frantically.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Dad, help! So, Jonathan, how do you know Ben? Oh, we met at Lincoln Park High.
Oh, wow, you must be really close.
Well, we carpooled every day.
Wow.
So, tell me a crazy story about Ben from his Lincoln Park High days.
Oh, one time he found asbestos in the girls' locker room.
What was he doing in the girls' locker room? Looking for asbestos.
Oh, so you worked at a high school together.
You didn't go to high school together.
Right.
Ah.
Still found that asbestos, though.
Mm.
No one can take that away from you.
- I can't.
No.
- Andy, just take it.
I'm always there for Ben when he needs me.
For anything.
Aw.
Drainage, roofing, sinks, Christmas lights.
I'm there.
[Chuckles.]
I do a lot of foundation work with Ben.
Any chance we're talking about a philanthropic foundation? Poured concrete.
Gotcha.
And how do you know Ben? Electrical.
Okay.
No double meaning there.
Just - Electrical.
- Electrical.
Cheers.
[Gasps.]
You're not meeting Ben's best friends.
You're meeting Ben's best subcontractors.
Why doesn't he want me to meet his real friends? What the hell is going on here? Worst case He's ashamed of you, he's not as serious as we thought, he's got another girlfriend, and his real friends are meeting her right now! Okay, let's just ask him.
And maybe we don't always have to start with worst case.
Andy: Carlos! What's up?! Would you like a burger? Gracias, amigo.
Hey, it's nice to relax and have fun, right? Fun is a luxury.
I have to work hard to support my family.
Well, that's, uh fun to know.
Dora: What are you doing? Why are you hanging out with Dad's lame co-workers? Who, Carlos? He's not lame.
He made that bench.
Andy, these guys aren't gonna be your real friends.
Okay, listen, if it was a month ago and Jeff was here, we'd be doing who knows what - Mm-hmm.
- who knows where.
Although, probably the grillin' at this very party.
- Jeff loved grillin'.
- Okay.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but if I don't help you, no one will.
Put on something less dorky.
I'm bringing you to my friend Megan's party.
Really? Party! Yes.
Okay.
Oh.
Ooh.
Ha.
Hey, should I should I box up some lemon squares? - I just, I don't want to show up empty - Don't make me change my mind.
Okay.
- Lemon squares? - Everything okay? Yeah.
Let the weirdness begin.
Hey, babe! There you are.
- Having fun at this par-tay? - Oh, yeah, a blast.
Love meeting all your friends.
Your besties.
Hi.
I don't think we've met yet.
I'm Alice.
Oh, uh, Ricky.
Nice to meet you.
Tell me, Ricky, where'd you meet Ben? - Well, actually, we - No, no.
I got this.
- Let me guess, Ricky.
Was it on a job? - Oh, sure was.
Cool.
What's your favorite thing about Ben? Uh, he hires me? How many kids does Ben have? - I don't know.
- How long have he and I been dating? I thought you were his sister.
Ah.
Good, Ricky.
Okay, well, please, go enjoy this networking opportunity.
- Alice, um - I get it.
You don't want me to meet your real friends.
Are you ashamed of me? What are you talking about? Why aren't our worlds mixing? Because I don't have a world! I have no friends.
I have no friends! Friends I do not have! I got married and lost touch with old friends.
I got divorced and lost touch with the new friends.
I'm down to three friends.
And you've met them.
My kids.
Andy, Dora, and Bunny.
Three kids.
He has three kids.
Too late, Ricky.
Late like you are to every damn job.
So you're right, Alice.
None of these people are my friends.
And you're all free to go.
Go! Wow.
I thought we were friends, Ben.
Great.
I had one friend, and I just pushed him away.
Why didn't you just tell me? Because after seeing your friends and how close you guys are and how much fun you have, I thought I'd seem like a loser.
A loser? You Impossible.
You're an amazing dad, you're a wonderful boyfriend, you're an employer who clearly inspires loyalty.
- I may have jeopardized that.
- They'll get over it.
You're irresistible.
So It doesn't scare you that, outside of the kids, you're all I have? [Whispers.]
I love it.
If you have no friends, that's one less world to mix.
I mean, I'm a master at it now, but still.
- Right.
- Not my favorite thing.
- That's one way to look at it.
- It's the best way.
Tell me both your parents are dead, and we're golden.
- One is.
- Hey, we're halfway there.
Sorry, that seems callous.
[Both chuckle.]
- [Groans.]
- Let's start fresh, and we can build a world of friends together.
We can start with mine as a base.
You know all I'm offering is Andy, Dora, and Bunny.
And eventually an ex-wife.
Andy, Dora, and Bunny are plenty.
Oh, Alice.
You're Frenching, but inside, you're thinking, "Ex-wife?! Ex-wife?!" Oh, now, I can't wait to meet the ex-wife.
[Laughs.]
No, no.
I got this.
No, Andy, you know I appreciate that, but placemats - are kind of my thing.
- I want to.
So where am I going tonight? You aren't going anywhere.
We miss you.
You're staying right here.
Huh.
Weird.
But fun to try.
[Laughs.]
Andy: I'm staying home tonight, too.
I'm worn out from all my socializing.
- I brought you to one party.
- And it was epic.
You're so wild.
Jeff would be proud.
They had a karaoke machine, and did I sing every Cher song? No.
Because they didn't have them all.
Tou-Cher.
Was it a disaster? Actually, no.
I mean, it started kind of weird, but after everyone Googled Cher, they loved him.
[Laughs.]
And you thought I should throw away my America's greatest divas CD.
Still do.
- Maybe keep it as a coaster.
- Okay.