In With The Flynns (2011) s01e05 Episode Script
Guitar
For anyone who loves For anyone who feels I'm never giving up Until the dream is real Until the dream is real I bet you put it in an ISA.
No, I told you, I spent it all.
What, paying off debts? Nope.
New washing machine? No, no, Dad reckons he can fix the old one.
Loft insulation? You don't think I know how to have fun any more.
Oh, sounds like someone's got a new boiler.
Come on.
What did you spend it on? I don't know No you got a Les Paul! Yes, I did.
Oh beauty.
Whoa, whoa, get off! What? I treat guitars like I treat my ladies.
Exactly! Give it here.
What are you going to tell Caroline? Oh, you found it in a skip.
It was my idea to get it.
It's his mum's money, I thought he should buy something for himself.
Has she had an affair? I don't know, love.
Have you had an affair? Ah, I don't think so, no.
Well, you can if you want.
I owe you a favour.
Oh, cheers.
I know what this is.
Some kind of midlife crisis thing, yeah? Midlife? You cheeky sod.
Well, you know what I mean.
Life is getting a bit stale you just want to inject a bit of sparkle into it.
We're doing all right for sparkle, thanks.
Couple of days ago, Caroline was tidying Liam, please don't tell him this story.
No, no he'll enjoy this.
Couple of days ago, Caroline was doing a bit of tidying up You all right love let me give you a hand.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I'd usually ask for a tip for that, but I'm sure you can pay me some other way.
HE TURNS OFF VACUUM CLEANER What are you doing? You do know we have the house to ourself? Really? Chloe's at Jodie's, Steve's at chess club, Mikey's got a sleepover.
Oh, yeah Quick! Get it off What are you doing? Mikey! Mikey, Mikey turn round, turn round, son! Nice, I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, it's bound to sound a bit irresponsible if you tell it like that.
What, you mean how it actually happened? You don't have to be proud of it though.
I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
I am a bit, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Is that a guitar? It's a toaster.
Where did you get it? Um, found it in a skip? He bought it, Chloe.
It's a Les Paul guitar, and your Dad bought it today.
I literally don't believe this.
This is literally the worst thing you've ever done to me.
It's none of your business.
You're literally killing me.
I'm literally dead from shock.
I wish you'd look up the word literally If you want me to run away from home, just say.
I'll go.
Don't even start this, Chloe.
It's your Dad's money.
He spent it on a guitar.
That's all.
I'm literally going out of my mind.
That's better.
That's good usage, that.
Caroline what's up with her now? Oh, she's in a strop.
She wanted to go on a skiing trip with school.
With your money? No, this is before we had the money.
This is when we were still skint.
Oh, please, come on, I've already said I'll pay towards it.
What with? You've got no money.
With future earnings from my career.
Your career as what? Whatever I end up doing.
And going skiing will raise my expectations.
I'll want to aim higherso really it's an investment in my own future.
How much is it? It's only 600 quid.
No.
Aw Chloe, we just haven't got that sort of money.
I bet if I needed a kidney, you'd find it.
No, I'd just give you a kidney.
I don't want your stupid kidney.
I want this ski trip! Let's just say she was a bit miffed.
It's going to be like the main event of the whole year.
< Yeah, Chloe, now's not really the best time to talk.
Missing it'll be social suicide.
Everyone's going.
< Not everyone! But we didn't have the money.
And it's easy to say no then.
So you're blaming our poor departed Mum for giving us the money? No, Tommy, I'm blaming you.
For not keeping your mouth shut.
I found this passbook the other day, and it turns out that your mother had been putting bits and pieces aside for years for you two.
I've divided it equally.
Now, there's not much.
How much is not much? Chloe! Er, Chlo, give us a minute here.
She don't need to know how much it is.
750 quid, you beauty! Yes! I'm going skiing! Fantastic! Thanks for that.
Yeah, she'd never have noticed you bought a guitar(!) She wouldn't know how much it cost.
So when are you taking it back? I'm not taking it back.
Course you're taking it back.
You always cave in to your daughter.
No I don't.
To be fair, you do.
Right, yeah, well, not this time.
She can whine, she can plead, she can use emotional blackmail but I'm not getting rid of this guitar.
Yeah, you'll take it back.
No, I won't.
I can be strong.
Anyway, what are you doing with your money? You haven't said.
I don't know.
750 quid.
That's loose change to a man like me.
You've never had cash like that before in your life.
In the short term, I thought I might just hang on to it for a couple of days you know, wave it at people.
Classy, yeah(!) If you're trying to kill yourself, Dad, the oven's more traditional.
Hey, enough of that kind of talk.
I've got a vulnerable man over here.
All right, Brian? What's the problem? She's gone, son.
Jackie's finally left me.
Jackie? Jack I think I know her.
Flawless skin.
Raven hair.
Eyes like the first star on a winter's evening.
Oh, in that case, no, I don't.
No, it is who you're thinking of.
Barmaid at The Crown and Cushion.
Don't worry, Brian.
This is the exact same mood Dad gets in when he loses at the horses.
But the next day, he just picks another and starts again.
Jackie's not a horse, son.
Tommy's right, Brian.
You should look at this as an opportunity to move on.
Yeah, that's what Jackie said.
She wants to get out there, live a bit more.
She thinks I'm boring.
You? Vice-captain of the dominoes team? See, if you love something, it's best to let it go.
Yeah.
Where's the toilet, Jim? It's through there, in the hallway.
Well done, Dad.
There's a future for you in The Samaritans.
Well, it's what friends do, innit? Give advice in times of need.
Speaking of which.
I was just wondering, um What? How soon is too soon? For what? Well, I'm thinking of making a move.
On Brian? On Jackie.
Dad! What? It's your best mate's girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
He's accepted it now, he's moved on.
Yeah, only because you told him to.
Listen, when you get to my age, you can't afford to let the grass grow! No, but you could at least wait till the previous gardener's cleared out his shed! I knew you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I understand.
Liam, have you heard this? This man is a bad influence on your kids.
Yeah, we already know that.
I don't think you do.
A minute ago you said I was a Samaritan.
Yeah, a Samaritan who'd cross the road to steal his mate's girlfriend.
What's all this? Nothing.
And don't talk to these two about being a bad influence.
Especially after what happened on that couch! Oh, my God, you told your dad.
It just come up in conversation.
What, "Thanks for fixing the washing machine and by the way we had sex on the couch"? Yeah.
I can't believe you two! Exposing the children to your depraved antics! Depraved antics are the best kind, Dad.
Yeah.
That poor lad's going to be completely screwed up now.
Yeah, but in fairness, Dad, he already was.
This won't change that.
We didn't do it on purpose.
He just walked in on us.
So did you stop? Of course we stopped.
Why? You'd already exposed the lad to your depraved antics.
Hang on.
Will someone tell me what's so depraved about a married couple having sex? Do I really have to spell this out? You were doing it in the day time.
What's this? What were they doing in the daytime? Oh, just having sex on the couch.
Liam! Oh, no, tell him the story, he needs cheering up.
Look at his little face.
Well, basically, Caroline was tidying up in the front room Liam! Brian doesn't need to hear full details of our private life.
It's only private if it's behind a locked door.
That's not the point.
Anyway, it's Liam's mouth that shouldn't be allowed open.
All right, I'm sorry.
I won't tell anyone else.
Any road, er, I'll be off.
Thanks for the advice mate.
You're a rock.
See you, Bri.
See you, Bri.
Oh, that poor, poor man.
What's that about? Ignore him.
So, you taking that guitar back to the shop then? How many times? I'm not taking this guitar back.
Yeah, you'll cave in.
Chloe's got to realise the world doesn't revolve around her.
You'll give in.
I won't.
All right, watch this, watch this Chloe? Chloe, can I just say, so we're all straight, this is my guitar, and I'm keeping it, and you're not going on this skiing holiday.
I know.
I understand.
Good.
I understand it gives you pleasure to ruin my life.
I'm not ruining your life.
You are.
You ruined mine first! to wait for this guitar.
That's your fault! Angry chord HE STRUMS A CHORD It's so unfair.
Depriving me of a holiday just so he can have his Les Dennis guitar.
It's a Les Paul.
You can't even play it.
You can't ski.
I'd learn.
Well, so will I.
HE STRUMS GUITAR BADLY You see, Chloe, being moody and selfish isn't going to work any more.
He's the selfish one.
It's not selfish.
Steve and Mikey love the guitar too.
And I think it makes your Dad look pretty damn sexy.
Eurgh! Look, I'm just saying, when you've been in a relationship as long as we have, you need little things like this.
Mum, what in my body language makes you think I want to hear this? I mean it! It's just nice to keep things fresh.
You've got no problems keeping things fresh from what I've heard.
What? The incident on the couch.
Oh, my God.
Did your Dad tell you about that? Urgh.
No.
Steve told me.
After Mikey told Steve.
Why did they tell you? Either to put me off sex for life, or so I never sit on that couch again.
Either way, it worked.
Well, I'm sorry you had to hear about it.
Me too.
It was the most disgusting story I've ever heard.
Er, excuse me! It's a good job I fancy your Dad - that's the reason you're here.
No, Mum, I'm here because you fancied him 15 years ago.
It's fancying him now that makes me sick.
Uncle Tommy, what are you doing? Looking for money.
I found a £2 coin down there last week.
Yeah? Well, it's a bit more than that.
How much? You lost Grandma's money?! No, sssh.
Not lost, just mislaid.
I had it about 20 minutes ago.
Somewhere in this house there's an envelope full of money? Yeah.
Good.
Good lad.
Have you checked upstairs? Not yet.
Steve, if you Hey! You will bring it down to me if you find it? Bring it back to your Uncle Tommy, St Steve? Chloe, can I ask you a question? If you want.
I've got nothing else to do.
Say you were seeing a lad, and you broke up.
How soon would you be ready to get back out there? I don't know.
Um, how long was I seeing him? About 12 years.
Since I was three? Yeah.
I'd probably be glad of a change by now, Grandad.
Good.
That's what I thought.
What about the kids? What? Well, you've got two grown-up kids from a previous marriage.
Husband died in a chemical fire in 1990.
Right, we've gone a bit outside my experience now, Grandad.
Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.
Is there anything I can do for you? Have you got £600? No.
No, then.
I've got something might cheer you up.
There's a pair of marsh harriers breeding up in Morecambe Bay.
Right.
I'm glad someone's having a good time Yeah.
.
.
but I don't see how it helps me.
Well, I thought we could take a trip up there, you know, check 'em out.
No offence, but I wanted to go on a skiing trip with fit lads, not sit in a wet tent with my grandad watching birds shagging.
No offence taken.
You couldn't have a word with Dad, could you? Tell him how disappointed I am.
Not moody or sulky, just really sad.
Say I was crying.
You're not crying.
Do you want me to make myself cry? cos I can do it.
No, no, fine, I'll have a word.
What are you doing? Looking for the money.
You've lost it?! Yeah.
Don't tell Dad.
You know what he's like.
You know what he'll call me.
Pillock.
And in what sense would he be wrong? Look, I hate it when he calls me that.
It reminds me when I was eight-years-old.
What do you mean, you've lost it? I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't remember where I left him.
Pillock.
The money has got to be in this house somewhere.
Well, I thought £750 was loose change to a man like you.
Well, it bloody isn't.
Caroline, I've been Oh, you're on the phone.
Well, it was very much a one-off.
Jake's very welcome round here any time.
Well, that was humiliating.
What's up? Jake's mum doesn't want her son coming round to play with Mikey any more.
Why not? Because she knows what Mikey saw us doing on the couch.
Oh.
What did Mikey tell her? No, Liam.
In fact you told Jake's dad.
Oh, yeah! I bumped into him at the petrol station.
We got chatting.
Liam! Well, it's good to get things out in the open.
Not with virtual strangers it isn't.
All right, I'm sorry.
I've put a lid on it now, I promise you.
Oh.
what about Mikey telling people? He won't.
We had an honest and open talk.
Now, Mikey, what you saw us doing there was was just a pure and joyful expression of love between your mother and me.
It looked like a lot of work.
Yeah, well, it can be strenuous.
But it's, um it's beautiful, right? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, then how come you stopped? That's a good question.
We stopped because we were saving the rest for later, you know, because it was so great.
It looked like Mum was winning.
Well, win or lose, it's always fun to play the game, son.
When can I play? Mikey, er It's like, um, it's like the rides at Alton Towers, you've got to be a certain age or size to go on, right? But you'll get there.
And when you do, just remember it's beautiful and it's natural and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
OK.
OK, mate? Right, go on get yourself inside.
Hey, don't show your brother that ice lolly, he'll get jealous.
Oh, I'm a great Dad! Now he knows it's normal, he won't bother telling people about it.
It'll be fine.
Hi, Mum.
Hi Dad.
Martyr.
She's devastated that girl.
Oh, come on Dad.
I'm getting enough guilt off Chloe, I don't need it off you as well.
She cried, you know.
She cried, or she threatened to make herself cry? Well You do know she's using you, Jim.
I happen to be on her side.
Poor girl's entitled to a holiday.
What about me? You know we didn't set out to make Chloe miserable.
We set out with every intention of buying a washing machine.
It feels good.
Yeah.
We're doing something sensible.
Oh, sweet god of rock! Look at that! Oh, it's beautiful! Can we go in quickly? Yeah.
Come on.
No, It's your money, you never buy anything for yourself, and you know how I feel about guitarists.
Not you! Hi pal.
Can I have a look at your Les Paul in the window, please? I don't think so.
I just wanted a quick try before you buy - get the feel of it.
Look mate, I've got real customers.
Excuse me, he's a real customer.
No love, he is a time-waster.
Him and his brother have been coming in here for five years trying before they buy.
They play the guitars Stop, Tommy, wait, wait, wait.
I'm playing lead.
No, I'm playing lead.
.
.
they smudge the guitars Tommy, just let me play it CRASH! .
.
they do not buy the guitars.
They don't buy anything.
Yeah, well maybe the reason they don't buy is cos the staff in here are so damn rude.
Liam, we're leaving.
No, no, hang on, hang on.
I want to teach this guy a lesson.
You see, mate, you shouldn't judge people by their appearances.
For all you know, I've got the money to buy that guitar right here see that, look at it.
Ooh, look at that! now that's gone, gone forever now.
Unless you throw in a free strap.
All right, yeah, whatever.
Box of plectrums? No.
It was worth a try.
There you go.
I hope you've learnt your lesson.
That poor deprived girl.
Jim, think about it.
Even if we did give her the money we've got two other kids.
It wouldn't be fair on them.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm all right for money.
How are you all right for money? Nothing.
I just meant I'm all right.
So you've got money? How? Leave the boy alone, Tommy.
You've got £750.
Yeah I know.
Right, well that's enough work for today.
Oh, is it fixed? No not yet.
It's a good three-day job is this, love.
Er, I think I might, er, go for a drink.
Maybe pop down The Crown and Cushion.
Anybody want to come with me? Good.
Bye.
Two, three, four Woo! Eh? What do you think? Yeah? Good? Cor! You stink! So does your band.
No, honestly, you smell proper terrible.
That's from work.
I realise I need to earn my money for the skiing trip so I got a job in the chip shop - battering haddock.
Well, good for you! Yep, hooray for me.
Chloe, I'm serious.
That shows real maturity and a sensible attitude to got out Oh, God! Oh, go and have a shower or summat.
It's like standing in a cloud of vinegar.
Oh, all right.
Oh! Oh! Right, on the nod.
Two, three four Caroline, any sign of my cash? Sorry, Tommy.
The kids not said owt? No.
No, cos of course they'd say if they found it(!) Of course they would.
Yeah? a brown envelope full of 750 quid - he's bound to hand it in, isn't he? Er, don't judge him by your standards.
Have you told your Dad you've lost it yet? Of course I haven't.
You know what he'll call me.
Pillock.
Yeah, don't.
Also he'll think it's disrespectful to Mum - not that he can talk.
What d'you mean? Has your Liam not told you? Last night, we followed him to the pub.
And to think I was going to stay in and watch the telly! What's he doing? You're kidding? Nope.
With his best mate's girlfriend? Yep.
What a rat.
And after he told me I was depraved.
Well, let's just say you're both right.
Did you hear the band? I did.
I thought your cowbell player was excellent.
How was school? It was rubbish, Mum.
I got detention.
What? What did you do? Not just me.
The whole of Delta class did.
What were you doing in Delta class? I got moved in there today.
Here's a note.
Isn't Delta where they put all them ASBO kids? There's nowt to worry about, I did two years in Delta.
It made me the man I am today.
We've got to get him out of that class.
How did you end up there? I don't know.
I was just talking to people.
I found a frog behind my house.
I saw my parents doing it.
What was it like? It was beautiful and natural.
You can have some of your clothes on, or you can have none of your clothes on, but you can't have all of your clothes on.
That's the one way you can't have it.
It looks a bit strange but my Dad says that it's joyful and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I am right, aren't I? Yes, you are son, yeah.
Now go and get yourself changed, go on.
Oh, my God! I know! Putting him in Delta class for telling the truth.
That's not the issue Liam.
You and Mikey are sharing our intimate details with half the school.
He's told them now, it's over.
If we make a big deal of things it'll just make it worse.
Nice top you've got, Steve.
Thanks.
New is it? Pretty new.
Yeah? How much did that cost you? I don't know.
Mum bought it me.
Mum bought it you.
Very convenient.
Uncle Tommy, if I had that much money, do you really think I'd spend it on clothes? Money? What money? Who mentioned money? I didn't mention money.
Hide me.
Quick, someone's after me.
Why, what happened? I had a friend stay over last night.
Jackie? But it's not what you think.
All right, it IS what you think.
DOORBELL RINGS Go to the door.
Say I'm not here.
In fact, say I'm dead.
You're not dead.
I will be if he comes in here! If who comes in? Grandad, visitor for you.
Mum, do you know what brings out gravy? Until the washer's fixed, that would be soap and a scrubbing brush.
Do you want to know why I'm covered in gravy? Have you got a job in a chip shop? It's the only job I could find.
But I realise I need to earn my skiing money, rather than deprive Dad of his fun.
You've done the maths right, Chlo? How do you mean? The only way you could earn the cash in time would be say, for your Dad to see his little princess covered in batter and feel so guilty that he just paid for the ski trip.
That never crossed my mind.
Well, it crossed mine.
Yeah, it's a good plan, and your Dad's soft enough to fall for it.
But I'm not.
You might as well accept defeat, and just be happy for your Dad Fine.
At least I can pack in that job.
Oh, and Mum, don't ask me why, but I think we should stop buying pies from them.
Noted.
So, er, Brian, how are you keeping? It's been a while.
It's been one day, Jim.
One day since I sat in that kitchen and you told me to let Jackie go.
See what was out there.
Has it? As recent as that? A lot can happen in one day, Jim.
Yes.
The thing is Brian No, Jim, let me speak because there's something I want to say to you.
I want to say thank you.
You what? I did exactly what you said.
I let her walk away and now she wants me back! She what? She rang me an hour ago.
Apparently she tried what was out there and she didn't like it.
Did she not? What do you mean she didn't like it? Well, I don't know the specifics.
I didn't ask.
All she said was the grass might seem greener, Brian, but it's riddled with weeds.
What's that supposed to mean? I let her go.
She came back and it's all down to you.
Oh, that's great, Dad.
That must feel fantastic! Yeah, brilliant.
So Dad, I've been thinking and I just want you to know I'm fine about the guitar thing.
Really? Yeah, I wouldn't have enjoyed going skiing knowing that you'd give up something you loved.
Come here, Chloe.
Come and sit with your old Dad.
I'd hate to think that you'd missed out on something so important to you.
Ah, Chloe Yeah? I can't enjoy it now either.
Oh, yes, you can.
No I can't, I can't.
The best thing is, I'll take the guitar back, get the washing machine.
Oh, no, but you love that guitar.
Yeah, I know, but it's selfish.
I'll get the washer.
But buying a washer's not going to make you happy.
Neither's a guitar any more.
So if you're taking the guitar back anyway, maybe I SHOULD go skiing? Because me being happy makes you happy, right? Yeah, course.
And, if you're happy, then that would make me happy.
So it's win, win.
Yeah, I suppose so Oh, thanks Dad! That's amazing! What happened? Oh, no, no, it's fine, you know.
We talked about it and I don't know, what did happen? Hello, Lucy? Guess what? I'm going skiing! I know! Oh, my God, you caved in.
No, no, no, no.
We both caved in.
And she ended up with a ski trip? How did she do that? Right then, Jim, I'll be off.
That's a nice coat you got there, Brian.
New, is it? Sorry? I'm just saying I didn't see that on you yesterday, I thought you might have come into some money since you were here? What are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about? I lost Mum's money, all right? You what? I lost it.
It was in the kitchen in a brown envelope.
Oh, aye? What, like this? It's exactly like that.
You had it? Course I had it, you daft sod.
You left it on the kitchen table yesterday.
And you nicked it? No.
I was waiting for you to admit you'd lost it.
Pillock.
This is my living room.
That's me Mum, that's me Dad and that's the couch.
Mikey, who are these people? This is Jake.
Someone told my Dad at the petrol station that you do it and let people watch.
Liam? Get out! Get out! And talk to your son, please.
I thought we're not allowed to talk? Talk to him now.
And after that, shut up.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, that's enough.
Now son, you don't invite people round to watch us.
Is that because what you did was bad? Yeah.
No, no it's Some people think it's bad but it's not.
Should I tell people that? Well, yeah, you It's just, the world's a confusing place, right? And some people get wound up about stuff that that although it's completely natural, they just don't like it.
Dad.
Yes, son? I don't understand a word you're saying.
Right.
Should I just shut up about what I saw? Yeah, if that's how you want to deal with it, that's fine.
Great.
Can I go and play in my room now? Yeah.
course you can.
Go on, son.
Oh, I'm such a great Dad.
What was that all about? He told you yesterday.
They have sex on that couch.
Yeah, but I never expected they allowed people round to watch.
We don't.
They just occasionally leave the doors open.
It's immoral if you ask me.
Oh, give over Dad, immoral.
I'm sorry son, but I can only say what I feel.
Oh! OK, Jim.
Fair enough, if that's your opinion.
Um, so on the scale of immorality, how does it compare with Oh, I don't know, betraying a friend? What? I think you heard the question.
You wouldn't.
I wouldn't, no.
I'm talking about other people who would! Right well, er Come on, Brian, don't want to keep you.
You have to get back to Jackie to patch things up, yeah? Hang on Brian, hang on.
Let's just hear what Dad's got to say on the topic of morals, shall we? Yeah, come on, Dad.
Yeah, well, er Obviously perhaps I was a bit, er hasty.
Judgemental like.
Oh, is that right? Yes.
And, er whatever you do in the privacy of your own living room is no concern of mine.
Ah, thank you, Jim, I appreciate that.
You're excellent parents.
The best.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, and one other thing.
What? Your washing machine's knackered! Ah did you get the refund then? Not a total refund, no.
Eh? Well, would, er, something a bit lower down the range get you going? Oh, what d'you get? Boom! What do you think about that? I'll take it back.
No, I told you, I spent it all.
What, paying off debts? Nope.
New washing machine? No, no, Dad reckons he can fix the old one.
Loft insulation? You don't think I know how to have fun any more.
Oh, sounds like someone's got a new boiler.
Come on.
What did you spend it on? I don't know No you got a Les Paul! Yes, I did.
Oh beauty.
Whoa, whoa, get off! What? I treat guitars like I treat my ladies.
Exactly! Give it here.
What are you going to tell Caroline? Oh, you found it in a skip.
It was my idea to get it.
It's his mum's money, I thought he should buy something for himself.
Has she had an affair? I don't know, love.
Have you had an affair? Ah, I don't think so, no.
Well, you can if you want.
I owe you a favour.
Oh, cheers.
I know what this is.
Some kind of midlife crisis thing, yeah? Midlife? You cheeky sod.
Well, you know what I mean.
Life is getting a bit stale you just want to inject a bit of sparkle into it.
We're doing all right for sparkle, thanks.
Couple of days ago, Caroline was tidying Liam, please don't tell him this story.
No, no he'll enjoy this.
Couple of days ago, Caroline was doing a bit of tidying up You all right love let me give you a hand.
Oh, thanks.
You know, I'd usually ask for a tip for that, but I'm sure you can pay me some other way.
HE TURNS OFF VACUUM CLEANER What are you doing? You do know we have the house to ourself? Really? Chloe's at Jodie's, Steve's at chess club, Mikey's got a sleepover.
Oh, yeah Quick! Get it off What are you doing? Mikey! Mikey, Mikey turn round, turn round, son! Nice, I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, it's bound to sound a bit irresponsible if you tell it like that.
What, you mean how it actually happened? You don't have to be proud of it though.
I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
I am a bit, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Is that a guitar? It's a toaster.
Where did you get it? Um, found it in a skip? He bought it, Chloe.
It's a Les Paul guitar, and your Dad bought it today.
I literally don't believe this.
This is literally the worst thing you've ever done to me.
It's none of your business.
You're literally killing me.
I'm literally dead from shock.
I wish you'd look up the word literally If you want me to run away from home, just say.
I'll go.
Don't even start this, Chloe.
It's your Dad's money.
He spent it on a guitar.
That's all.
I'm literally going out of my mind.
That's better.
That's good usage, that.
Caroline what's up with her now? Oh, she's in a strop.
She wanted to go on a skiing trip with school.
With your money? No, this is before we had the money.
This is when we were still skint.
Oh, please, come on, I've already said I'll pay towards it.
What with? You've got no money.
With future earnings from my career.
Your career as what? Whatever I end up doing.
And going skiing will raise my expectations.
I'll want to aim higherso really it's an investment in my own future.
How much is it? It's only 600 quid.
No.
Aw Chloe, we just haven't got that sort of money.
I bet if I needed a kidney, you'd find it.
No, I'd just give you a kidney.
I don't want your stupid kidney.
I want this ski trip! Let's just say she was a bit miffed.
It's going to be like the main event of the whole year.
< Yeah, Chloe, now's not really the best time to talk.
Missing it'll be social suicide.
Everyone's going.
< Not everyone! But we didn't have the money.
And it's easy to say no then.
So you're blaming our poor departed Mum for giving us the money? No, Tommy, I'm blaming you.
For not keeping your mouth shut.
I found this passbook the other day, and it turns out that your mother had been putting bits and pieces aside for years for you two.
I've divided it equally.
Now, there's not much.
How much is not much? Chloe! Er, Chlo, give us a minute here.
She don't need to know how much it is.
750 quid, you beauty! Yes! I'm going skiing! Fantastic! Thanks for that.
Yeah, she'd never have noticed you bought a guitar(!) She wouldn't know how much it cost.
So when are you taking it back? I'm not taking it back.
Course you're taking it back.
You always cave in to your daughter.
No I don't.
To be fair, you do.
Right, yeah, well, not this time.
She can whine, she can plead, she can use emotional blackmail but I'm not getting rid of this guitar.
Yeah, you'll take it back.
No, I won't.
I can be strong.
Anyway, what are you doing with your money? You haven't said.
I don't know.
750 quid.
That's loose change to a man like me.
You've never had cash like that before in your life.
In the short term, I thought I might just hang on to it for a couple of days you know, wave it at people.
Classy, yeah(!) If you're trying to kill yourself, Dad, the oven's more traditional.
Hey, enough of that kind of talk.
I've got a vulnerable man over here.
All right, Brian? What's the problem? She's gone, son.
Jackie's finally left me.
Jackie? Jack I think I know her.
Flawless skin.
Raven hair.
Eyes like the first star on a winter's evening.
Oh, in that case, no, I don't.
No, it is who you're thinking of.
Barmaid at The Crown and Cushion.
Don't worry, Brian.
This is the exact same mood Dad gets in when he loses at the horses.
But the next day, he just picks another and starts again.
Jackie's not a horse, son.
Tommy's right, Brian.
You should look at this as an opportunity to move on.
Yeah, that's what Jackie said.
She wants to get out there, live a bit more.
She thinks I'm boring.
You? Vice-captain of the dominoes team? See, if you love something, it's best to let it go.
Yeah.
Where's the toilet, Jim? It's through there, in the hallway.
Well done, Dad.
There's a future for you in The Samaritans.
Well, it's what friends do, innit? Give advice in times of need.
Speaking of which.
I was just wondering, um What? How soon is too soon? For what? Well, I'm thinking of making a move.
On Brian? On Jackie.
Dad! What? It's your best mate's girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
He's accepted it now, he's moved on.
Yeah, only because you told him to.
Listen, when you get to my age, you can't afford to let the grass grow! No, but you could at least wait till the previous gardener's cleared out his shed! I knew you wouldn't understand.
Oh, I understand.
Liam, have you heard this? This man is a bad influence on your kids.
Yeah, we already know that.
I don't think you do.
A minute ago you said I was a Samaritan.
Yeah, a Samaritan who'd cross the road to steal his mate's girlfriend.
What's all this? Nothing.
And don't talk to these two about being a bad influence.
Especially after what happened on that couch! Oh, my God, you told your dad.
It just come up in conversation.
What, "Thanks for fixing the washing machine and by the way we had sex on the couch"? Yeah.
I can't believe you two! Exposing the children to your depraved antics! Depraved antics are the best kind, Dad.
Yeah.
That poor lad's going to be completely screwed up now.
Yeah, but in fairness, Dad, he already was.
This won't change that.
We didn't do it on purpose.
He just walked in on us.
So did you stop? Of course we stopped.
Why? You'd already exposed the lad to your depraved antics.
Hang on.
Will someone tell me what's so depraved about a married couple having sex? Do I really have to spell this out? You were doing it in the day time.
What's this? What were they doing in the daytime? Oh, just having sex on the couch.
Liam! Oh, no, tell him the story, he needs cheering up.
Look at his little face.
Well, basically, Caroline was tidying up in the front room Liam! Brian doesn't need to hear full details of our private life.
It's only private if it's behind a locked door.
That's not the point.
Anyway, it's Liam's mouth that shouldn't be allowed open.
All right, I'm sorry.
I won't tell anyone else.
Any road, er, I'll be off.
Thanks for the advice mate.
You're a rock.
See you, Bri.
See you, Bri.
Oh, that poor, poor man.
What's that about? Ignore him.
So, you taking that guitar back to the shop then? How many times? I'm not taking this guitar back.
Yeah, you'll cave in.
Chloe's got to realise the world doesn't revolve around her.
You'll give in.
I won't.
All right, watch this, watch this Chloe? Chloe, can I just say, so we're all straight, this is my guitar, and I'm keeping it, and you're not going on this skiing holiday.
I know.
I understand.
Good.
I understand it gives you pleasure to ruin my life.
I'm not ruining your life.
You are.
You ruined mine first! to wait for this guitar.
That's your fault! Angry chord HE STRUMS A CHORD It's so unfair.
Depriving me of a holiday just so he can have his Les Dennis guitar.
It's a Les Paul.
You can't even play it.
You can't ski.
I'd learn.
Well, so will I.
HE STRUMS GUITAR BADLY You see, Chloe, being moody and selfish isn't going to work any more.
He's the selfish one.
It's not selfish.
Steve and Mikey love the guitar too.
And I think it makes your Dad look pretty damn sexy.
Eurgh! Look, I'm just saying, when you've been in a relationship as long as we have, you need little things like this.
Mum, what in my body language makes you think I want to hear this? I mean it! It's just nice to keep things fresh.
You've got no problems keeping things fresh from what I've heard.
What? The incident on the couch.
Oh, my God.
Did your Dad tell you about that? Urgh.
No.
Steve told me.
After Mikey told Steve.
Why did they tell you? Either to put me off sex for life, or so I never sit on that couch again.
Either way, it worked.
Well, I'm sorry you had to hear about it.
Me too.
It was the most disgusting story I've ever heard.
Er, excuse me! It's a good job I fancy your Dad - that's the reason you're here.
No, Mum, I'm here because you fancied him 15 years ago.
It's fancying him now that makes me sick.
Uncle Tommy, what are you doing? Looking for money.
I found a £2 coin down there last week.
Yeah? Well, it's a bit more than that.
How much? You lost Grandma's money?! No, sssh.
Not lost, just mislaid.
I had it about 20 minutes ago.
Somewhere in this house there's an envelope full of money? Yeah.
Good.
Good lad.
Have you checked upstairs? Not yet.
Steve, if you Hey! You will bring it down to me if you find it? Bring it back to your Uncle Tommy, St Steve? Chloe, can I ask you a question? If you want.
I've got nothing else to do.
Say you were seeing a lad, and you broke up.
How soon would you be ready to get back out there? I don't know.
Um, how long was I seeing him? About 12 years.
Since I was three? Yeah.
I'd probably be glad of a change by now, Grandad.
Good.
That's what I thought.
What about the kids? What? Well, you've got two grown-up kids from a previous marriage.
Husband died in a chemical fire in 1990.
Right, we've gone a bit outside my experience now, Grandad.
Thanks for your help, I appreciate it.
Is there anything I can do for you? Have you got £600? No.
No, then.
I've got something might cheer you up.
There's a pair of marsh harriers breeding up in Morecambe Bay.
Right.
I'm glad someone's having a good time Yeah.
.
.
but I don't see how it helps me.
Well, I thought we could take a trip up there, you know, check 'em out.
No offence, but I wanted to go on a skiing trip with fit lads, not sit in a wet tent with my grandad watching birds shagging.
No offence taken.
You couldn't have a word with Dad, could you? Tell him how disappointed I am.
Not moody or sulky, just really sad.
Say I was crying.
You're not crying.
Do you want me to make myself cry? cos I can do it.
No, no, fine, I'll have a word.
What are you doing? Looking for the money.
You've lost it?! Yeah.
Don't tell Dad.
You know what he's like.
You know what he'll call me.
Pillock.
And in what sense would he be wrong? Look, I hate it when he calls me that.
It reminds me when I was eight-years-old.
What do you mean, you've lost it? I'm sorry, Dad.
I can't remember where I left him.
Pillock.
The money has got to be in this house somewhere.
Well, I thought £750 was loose change to a man like you.
Well, it bloody isn't.
Caroline, I've been Oh, you're on the phone.
Well, it was very much a one-off.
Jake's very welcome round here any time.
Well, that was humiliating.
What's up? Jake's mum doesn't want her son coming round to play with Mikey any more.
Why not? Because she knows what Mikey saw us doing on the couch.
Oh.
What did Mikey tell her? No, Liam.
In fact you told Jake's dad.
Oh, yeah! I bumped into him at the petrol station.
We got chatting.
Liam! Well, it's good to get things out in the open.
Not with virtual strangers it isn't.
All right, I'm sorry.
I've put a lid on it now, I promise you.
Oh.
what about Mikey telling people? He won't.
We had an honest and open talk.
Now, Mikey, what you saw us doing there was was just a pure and joyful expression of love between your mother and me.
It looked like a lot of work.
Yeah, well, it can be strenuous.
But it's, um it's beautiful, right? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, then how come you stopped? That's a good question.
We stopped because we were saving the rest for later, you know, because it was so great.
It looked like Mum was winning.
Well, win or lose, it's always fun to play the game, son.
When can I play? Mikey, er It's like, um, it's like the rides at Alton Towers, you've got to be a certain age or size to go on, right? But you'll get there.
And when you do, just remember it's beautiful and it's natural and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
OK.
OK, mate? Right, go on get yourself inside.
Hey, don't show your brother that ice lolly, he'll get jealous.
Oh, I'm a great Dad! Now he knows it's normal, he won't bother telling people about it.
It'll be fine.
Hi, Mum.
Hi Dad.
Martyr.
She's devastated that girl.
Oh, come on Dad.
I'm getting enough guilt off Chloe, I don't need it off you as well.
She cried, you know.
She cried, or she threatened to make herself cry? Well You do know she's using you, Jim.
I happen to be on her side.
Poor girl's entitled to a holiday.
What about me? You know we didn't set out to make Chloe miserable.
We set out with every intention of buying a washing machine.
It feels good.
Yeah.
We're doing something sensible.
Oh, sweet god of rock! Look at that! Oh, it's beautiful! Can we go in quickly? Yeah.
Come on.
No, It's your money, you never buy anything for yourself, and you know how I feel about guitarists.
Not you! Hi pal.
Can I have a look at your Les Paul in the window, please? I don't think so.
I just wanted a quick try before you buy - get the feel of it.
Look mate, I've got real customers.
Excuse me, he's a real customer.
No love, he is a time-waster.
Him and his brother have been coming in here for five years trying before they buy.
They play the guitars Stop, Tommy, wait, wait, wait.
I'm playing lead.
No, I'm playing lead.
.
.
they smudge the guitars Tommy, just let me play it CRASH! .
.
they do not buy the guitars.
They don't buy anything.
Yeah, well maybe the reason they don't buy is cos the staff in here are so damn rude.
Liam, we're leaving.
No, no, hang on, hang on.
I want to teach this guy a lesson.
You see, mate, you shouldn't judge people by their appearances.
For all you know, I've got the money to buy that guitar right here see that, look at it.
Ooh, look at that! now that's gone, gone forever now.
Unless you throw in a free strap.
All right, yeah, whatever.
Box of plectrums? No.
It was worth a try.
There you go.
I hope you've learnt your lesson.
That poor deprived girl.
Jim, think about it.
Even if we did give her the money we've got two other kids.
It wouldn't be fair on them.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm all right for money.
How are you all right for money? Nothing.
I just meant I'm all right.
So you've got money? How? Leave the boy alone, Tommy.
You've got £750.
Yeah I know.
Right, well that's enough work for today.
Oh, is it fixed? No not yet.
It's a good three-day job is this, love.
Er, I think I might, er, go for a drink.
Maybe pop down The Crown and Cushion.
Anybody want to come with me? Good.
Bye.
Two, three, four Woo! Eh? What do you think? Yeah? Good? Cor! You stink! So does your band.
No, honestly, you smell proper terrible.
That's from work.
I realise I need to earn my money for the skiing trip so I got a job in the chip shop - battering haddock.
Well, good for you! Yep, hooray for me.
Chloe, I'm serious.
That shows real maturity and a sensible attitude to got out Oh, God! Oh, go and have a shower or summat.
It's like standing in a cloud of vinegar.
Oh, all right.
Oh! Oh! Right, on the nod.
Two, three four Caroline, any sign of my cash? Sorry, Tommy.
The kids not said owt? No.
No, cos of course they'd say if they found it(!) Of course they would.
Yeah? a brown envelope full of 750 quid - he's bound to hand it in, isn't he? Er, don't judge him by your standards.
Have you told your Dad you've lost it yet? Of course I haven't.
You know what he'll call me.
Pillock.
Yeah, don't.
Also he'll think it's disrespectful to Mum - not that he can talk.
What d'you mean? Has your Liam not told you? Last night, we followed him to the pub.
And to think I was going to stay in and watch the telly! What's he doing? You're kidding? Nope.
With his best mate's girlfriend? Yep.
What a rat.
And after he told me I was depraved.
Well, let's just say you're both right.
Did you hear the band? I did.
I thought your cowbell player was excellent.
How was school? It was rubbish, Mum.
I got detention.
What? What did you do? Not just me.
The whole of Delta class did.
What were you doing in Delta class? I got moved in there today.
Here's a note.
Isn't Delta where they put all them ASBO kids? There's nowt to worry about, I did two years in Delta.
It made me the man I am today.
We've got to get him out of that class.
How did you end up there? I don't know.
I was just talking to people.
I found a frog behind my house.
I saw my parents doing it.
What was it like? It was beautiful and natural.
You can have some of your clothes on, or you can have none of your clothes on, but you can't have all of your clothes on.
That's the one way you can't have it.
It looks a bit strange but my Dad says that it's joyful and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I am right, aren't I? Yes, you are son, yeah.
Now go and get yourself changed, go on.
Oh, my God! I know! Putting him in Delta class for telling the truth.
That's not the issue Liam.
You and Mikey are sharing our intimate details with half the school.
He's told them now, it's over.
If we make a big deal of things it'll just make it worse.
Nice top you've got, Steve.
Thanks.
New is it? Pretty new.
Yeah? How much did that cost you? I don't know.
Mum bought it me.
Mum bought it you.
Very convenient.
Uncle Tommy, if I had that much money, do you really think I'd spend it on clothes? Money? What money? Who mentioned money? I didn't mention money.
Hide me.
Quick, someone's after me.
Why, what happened? I had a friend stay over last night.
Jackie? But it's not what you think.
All right, it IS what you think.
DOORBELL RINGS Go to the door.
Say I'm not here.
In fact, say I'm dead.
You're not dead.
I will be if he comes in here! If who comes in? Grandad, visitor for you.
Mum, do you know what brings out gravy? Until the washer's fixed, that would be soap and a scrubbing brush.
Do you want to know why I'm covered in gravy? Have you got a job in a chip shop? It's the only job I could find.
But I realise I need to earn my skiing money, rather than deprive Dad of his fun.
You've done the maths right, Chlo? How do you mean? The only way you could earn the cash in time would be say, for your Dad to see his little princess covered in batter and feel so guilty that he just paid for the ski trip.
That never crossed my mind.
Well, it crossed mine.
Yeah, it's a good plan, and your Dad's soft enough to fall for it.
But I'm not.
You might as well accept defeat, and just be happy for your Dad Fine.
At least I can pack in that job.
Oh, and Mum, don't ask me why, but I think we should stop buying pies from them.
Noted.
So, er, Brian, how are you keeping? It's been a while.
It's been one day, Jim.
One day since I sat in that kitchen and you told me to let Jackie go.
See what was out there.
Has it? As recent as that? A lot can happen in one day, Jim.
Yes.
The thing is Brian No, Jim, let me speak because there's something I want to say to you.
I want to say thank you.
You what? I did exactly what you said.
I let her walk away and now she wants me back! She what? She rang me an hour ago.
Apparently she tried what was out there and she didn't like it.
Did she not? What do you mean she didn't like it? Well, I don't know the specifics.
I didn't ask.
All she said was the grass might seem greener, Brian, but it's riddled with weeds.
What's that supposed to mean? I let her go.
She came back and it's all down to you.
Oh, that's great, Dad.
That must feel fantastic! Yeah, brilliant.
So Dad, I've been thinking and I just want you to know I'm fine about the guitar thing.
Really? Yeah, I wouldn't have enjoyed going skiing knowing that you'd give up something you loved.
Come here, Chloe.
Come and sit with your old Dad.
I'd hate to think that you'd missed out on something so important to you.
Ah, Chloe Yeah? I can't enjoy it now either.
Oh, yes, you can.
No I can't, I can't.
The best thing is, I'll take the guitar back, get the washing machine.
Oh, no, but you love that guitar.
Yeah, I know, but it's selfish.
I'll get the washer.
But buying a washer's not going to make you happy.
Neither's a guitar any more.
So if you're taking the guitar back anyway, maybe I SHOULD go skiing? Because me being happy makes you happy, right? Yeah, course.
And, if you're happy, then that would make me happy.
So it's win, win.
Yeah, I suppose so Oh, thanks Dad! That's amazing! What happened? Oh, no, no, it's fine, you know.
We talked about it and I don't know, what did happen? Hello, Lucy? Guess what? I'm going skiing! I know! Oh, my God, you caved in.
No, no, no, no.
We both caved in.
And she ended up with a ski trip? How did she do that? Right then, Jim, I'll be off.
That's a nice coat you got there, Brian.
New, is it? Sorry? I'm just saying I didn't see that on you yesterday, I thought you might have come into some money since you were here? What are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about? I lost Mum's money, all right? You what? I lost it.
It was in the kitchen in a brown envelope.
Oh, aye? What, like this? It's exactly like that.
You had it? Course I had it, you daft sod.
You left it on the kitchen table yesterday.
And you nicked it? No.
I was waiting for you to admit you'd lost it.
Pillock.
This is my living room.
That's me Mum, that's me Dad and that's the couch.
Mikey, who are these people? This is Jake.
Someone told my Dad at the petrol station that you do it and let people watch.
Liam? Get out! Get out! And talk to your son, please.
I thought we're not allowed to talk? Talk to him now.
And after that, shut up.
Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, that's enough.
Now son, you don't invite people round to watch us.
Is that because what you did was bad? Yeah.
No, no it's Some people think it's bad but it's not.
Should I tell people that? Well, yeah, you It's just, the world's a confusing place, right? And some people get wound up about stuff that that although it's completely natural, they just don't like it.
Dad.
Yes, son? I don't understand a word you're saying.
Right.
Should I just shut up about what I saw? Yeah, if that's how you want to deal with it, that's fine.
Great.
Can I go and play in my room now? Yeah.
course you can.
Go on, son.
Oh, I'm such a great Dad.
What was that all about? He told you yesterday.
They have sex on that couch.
Yeah, but I never expected they allowed people round to watch.
We don't.
They just occasionally leave the doors open.
It's immoral if you ask me.
Oh, give over Dad, immoral.
I'm sorry son, but I can only say what I feel.
Oh! OK, Jim.
Fair enough, if that's your opinion.
Um, so on the scale of immorality, how does it compare with Oh, I don't know, betraying a friend? What? I think you heard the question.
You wouldn't.
I wouldn't, no.
I'm talking about other people who would! Right well, er Come on, Brian, don't want to keep you.
You have to get back to Jackie to patch things up, yeah? Hang on Brian, hang on.
Let's just hear what Dad's got to say on the topic of morals, shall we? Yeah, come on, Dad.
Yeah, well, er Obviously perhaps I was a bit, er hasty.
Judgemental like.
Oh, is that right? Yes.
And, er whatever you do in the privacy of your own living room is no concern of mine.
Ah, thank you, Jim, I appreciate that.
You're excellent parents.
The best.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, and one other thing.
What? Your washing machine's knackered! Ah did you get the refund then? Not a total refund, no.
Eh? Well, would, er, something a bit lower down the range get you going? Oh, what d'you get? Boom! What do you think about that? I'll take it back.