Inside Comedy (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

[music.]
- WHAT WERE YOU LIKE WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, 12, 14, AND ALL THAT? - VERY, VERY HAPPY-GO-LUCKY.
- YOU WERE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY? - YES.
- WHEN[laughs.]
WHEN DID THAT CHANGE? - PUBERTY.
- AT PUBERTY? - PUBERTY, YEAH.
- THE MOMENT GIRLS CAME INTO THE-- - THE MOMENT GIRLS CAME INTO THE PICTURE-- I WANT THEM - RIGHT.
- HOW DO YOU GET THEM? - [chuckles.]
YES.
- I CAN'T GET THEM.
I WANT THEM NAKED, I WANT TO TOUCH THEM - YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT IT.
I WANT--I WANT IT, BUT HOW? I-I NEVER WANTED SOMETHING SO BAD, AND I COULDN'T-- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT.
I COULDN'T-- I COULDN'T HIDE THE FACT THAT I DESPERATELY WANTED THEM, YOU KNOW.
- [laughs.]
SO YOU'RE ANXIOUS.
- YEAH, I WAS ANXIOUS, YEAH.
- SO, HAPPY-GO-LUCKY GOES AWAY.
- GOES AWAY, NO MORE HAPPY-GO-LUCKY, YEAH.
- AND THE PERSON THAT'S SITTING HERE NOW - THE MESS, YES.
- THE MESS.
- YES.
- STARTS TO DEVELOP THEMSELVES.
- GIRLS REALLY TURNED ME INTO A MESS, THEY DID.
- NOW, WERE YOU-- DID YOU DATE AT ALL? YOU DIDN'T-- YOU NEVER DATED AT ALL? - YOU MEAN IN HIGH SCHOOL? - YEAH, HIGH SCHOOL.
- NO.
- NO.
- UH-UH.
NO.
WHO WAS I GOING TO ASK OUT? SOMEBODY IN THE SCHOOL? THEN I HAVE TO SEE THEM AGAIN THE NEXT DAY? - WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE THAT'D BE SO TERRIBLE? - WELL, JUST-- JUST THE--THE IDEA THAT WE WERE OUT TOGETHER, AND THEN I SEE THEM, THEY'RE NOT MY FRIEND.
- RIGHT.
[laughter.]
- I-I COULDN'T HAVE NEGOTIATED THAT THE NEXT DAY, IT WOULD HAVE THROWN ME.
- BUT YOU KNOW, THE SORT OF, LIKE, THE NOT-YOUR-FRIEND CONCEPT, IT'S NOT A HEALTHY WAY IN WHICH YOU APPROACH DATING.
- MM-MM.
- YOU MIGHT START BY DATING SOMEONE WHO YOU THINK MIGHT BE A FRIEND OF YOURS.
- NOBODY I'VE EVER DATED WAS MY FRIEND.
[laughter.]
- REALLY? - YES, AND BY THE WAY, IF THEY WERE, THE FRIENDSHIP WAS OVER AS SOON AS I RANG THE DOORBELL.
- YEAH, YEAH.
I UNDERSTAND.
- THAT WAS IT.
NO.
- SO IF YOU WEREN'T A COMEDY STAR, RIGHT? WHAT--COULD YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE? WHAT WOULD YOU DO? - NO, I HAVE-- I HAVE NO SKILLS AT ALL.
- [laughs.]
- I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, REALLY.
- REALLY? - I CAN--I CAN PARK VERY WELL, I'M A GOOD PARALLEL PARKER.
- YOU CAN PARK-- SO YOU'D PARK PEOPLE'S CARS.
- I CAN PARK PEOPLE'S CARS.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- I COULD WORK IN A HOTEL, TAKING TICKETS AND GETTING THEIR CARS.
- RIGHT, OKAY.
- AND I THINK I'D BE VERY GOOD AT IT.
- YES, THAT'S GOOD.
- I SEE THE PEOPLE PARK THE CARS-- I DON'T THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN I AM AT THAT.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- YOU KNOW.
I WATCH THEM PARK AND SCURRY AROUND AND GET CARS.
YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A BAD HAMSTRING, THAT MIGHT TAKE A LITTLE TIME GETTING FROM THE CAR BACK TO THE HOTEL.
- RIGHT.
- BUT SO-- SO THERE'S A FALLBACK POSITION.
YOU COULD PARK A CAR.
- I CAN PARK A CAR.
- WHAT ELSE? THERE'S GOT TO BE OTHER SKILLS.
- I CAN WHISTLE VERY WELL.
- YEAH, WELL, WHISTLING-- I DON'T--[chuckles.]
- WELL, YOU CAN'T--YOU CAN'T MAKE MONEY FROM WHISTLING.
I USED TO TELL PEOPLE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, BECAUSE I WAS SO DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION, THAT ONE OF THE LIES THAT I PERPETRATED ABOUT MYSELF IS THAT I WHISTLED THE THEME SONG ON THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW.
I-I TOLD PEOPLE THAT, AND THEN I WOULD--[laughs.]
AND THEN I WOULD WHISTLE THE THEME.
- WHISTLE IT FOR ME.
- I DON'T THINK I'D BE ABLE TO.
- [laughing.]
RIGHT.
- [laughing.]
- BUT SEE, THAT'S A VERY CLEVER THING TO TELL PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY WOULD BELIEVE IT.
- WHO WOULD BELIEVE A BULLSHIT STORY LIKE THAT? - WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT YOU WROTE IT, YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT YOU-- YOU'RE A FRIEND OF ANDY GRIFFITH, YOU SAY, "I DID THE WHISTLING AT THE START OF THAT.
" - YES, I KNOW.
- IT'S SUCH A LITTLE THING.
- BUT IF ANYBODY EXPLORED THAT - YES, RIGHT.
- "HOW DID THAT-- HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" - [laughing.]
- "HOW DID YOU GET THAT?" "WHO KNEW YOU COULD WHISTLE?" - RIGHT.
- "DID YOU-- DID YOU AUDITION?" "WHO DISCOVERED YOUR WHISTLING TALENTS?" DID YOUR MOTHER SAY, "MY SON'S A WHISTLER.
HE WANTS TO AUDITION FOR WHISTLING THINGS"? - BUT IT'S A SAFE STORY BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD CHALLENGE IT.
- YEAH, UM.
[clears throat.]
- WHAT ELSE MIGHT YOU BE ABLE TO DO? - WELL, YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE A MAILMAN.
- [clears throat.]
THAT'S A VERY HIGH ASPIRATION.
- SHE WANTED ME--YES-- SHE WANTED ME TO WORK IN THE POST OFFICE.
- IS THAT FOR REAL? - NO, THIS IS FOR REAL.
- BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT, "I'D BETTER FIND SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO.
" - BEGGED ME TO TAKE A CIVIL SERVICE TEST.
"LARRY, JUST TAKE IT.
TAKE THE TEST.
TAKE THE TEST.
WHAT DO YOU GOT TO LOSE?" "I-I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE TEST.
" "TAKE IT.
TAKE THE TEST.
" - HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN SHE WANTED YOU TO BE A MAILMAN? - I WAS GETTING OUT OF COLLEGE.
[laughter.]
YEAH, I WAS GETTING OUT OF COLLEGE.
AND, UM, I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE DIDN'T THINK I WAS CAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING, AND I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD AT THAT, REALLY.
- NO, NO.
THEY HAVE TO SCHLEP THE MAIL AND ADDRESSES.
- AND THE DOGS.
- AND THE--OH, THE DOGS.
- YEAH, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
AND THE HAIL, YOU KNOW, THE SLOGAN, OF THE RAIN, THE SLEET, THE HAIL, AND THE SNOW.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- I THINK I COULD HAVE DONE THE RAIN AND THE SNOW, - BUT NOT-- - THE HAIL WOULD HAVE DONE ME IN.
- I'M NOT-- [laughs.]
I'M NOT GOING TO BE DELIVERING IN HAIL.
I WOULD'VE GONE TO THE SUPERVISOR-- "I'M SORRY, I CAN'T DELIVER IN HAIL.
"I KNOW YOU GOT THE BIG MOTTO UP THERE, BUT I'M NOT DOING HAIL.
" - I CAN'T DO IT.
- SO--SO THE FAMILY DIDN'T HAVE BIG ASPIRATIONS FOR YOU AT ALL.
- THAT'S AN UNDERSTATEMENT, YEAH.
- SO NOW YOU'RE-- YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE, AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS.
- I GRADUATE, I MOVE INTO-- I MOVE INTO THE CITY, - MM-HMM.
- I GET A JOB AS A BRA SALESMAN.
- OH, GOD.
- I WENT TO AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
- OKAY.
- OKAY? AND HE SENDS ME OUT, AND I INTERVIEW FOR THIS JOB, AND I BECOME A BRA SALESMAN.
- RIGHT.
AND I PUT THIS ON SEINFELD - MM-HMM.
- WHEN GEORGE--AND BECAUSE THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.
THEY GAVE ME A PAPER BAG WITH--WITH BRAS, AND I SWEAR TO YOU, IT SOUNDS INSANE, BUT HE SAID, "TAKE THESE HOME AND STUDY THEM.
" [laughter.]
- "TAKE THE BRAS HOME AND STUDY THE BRAS.
" I SAID, "I'VE BEEN, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO STUDY BRAS SINCE I WAS 13.
" - SO YOU HAD TO TAKE THE BRA AND TRY TO TALK A WOMAN INTO BUYING THE BRA, IS THAT WHAT YOU-- - NO, IT WAS ACTUALLY THE MATERIAL THAT THEY USED FOR THE BRAS, SO THAT--THAT WAS A JOB.
AND THEN--AND THEN, I TOOK AN ACTING CLASS AT NIGHT.
- OH.
- HMM.
- SO YOU HAD SOME NOTION THAT YOU WANTED TO DO SOMETHING.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY ACTING, IT SEEMED LIKE-- WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ANYTHING, FOR ONE THING.
UM, IT SEEMED LIKE THE EASIEST WAY TO GO ABOUT GETTING-- GETTING ATTENTION.
- YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- WHICH IS WHAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED.
- OF COURSE.
[chuckling.]
AND ATTENTION-- WITH ATTENTION, CAME GIRLS.
- YES.
OH, YES.
SO, YEAH, THAT'S THE MOTIVATION FOR EVERY MAN GETTING INTO ANYTHING.
- SO I TOOK AN ACTING CLASS, UM, THEY PUT ON SOME PLAYS, A COUPLE PLAYS.
IT--IT WASN'T QUITE RIGHT, BUT, UM, I REMEMBER ONCE I WAS AT A BAR, AND A WOMAN SAID TO ME, "SO WHAT DO YOU DO?" [clears throat.]
[laughing.]
AND I-I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT OUT ON HER.
[laughter.]
SO I SAID, "I'M AN ACTOR.
" [both laughing.]
- YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IT TO ME WITH ANY COMMITMENT.
- IT SOUNDS SO AWFUL, YOU KNOW.
AND SO SHE SAID, "SO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" [laughter.]
AND I WAS, LIKE, "MY APPLE PIE AND COFFEE MOMENT" YOU KNOW.
[clears throat.]
NO, NOT--NOT MUCH REALLY.
- OH, YOU TOLD THE TRUTH.
- I-I-I SAID, "I'M IN A CLASS.
" "OH, OH.
THAT.
" AND THAT WAS THE END OF HER.
BUT IN THE CLASS, WE HAD TO DO THIS CHARACTER.
WE'RE ALL DOING THESE, YOU KNOW, THESE "CHARACTERS," AND, UM, USE YOUR OWN WORDS TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THE CHARACTER'S GOING THROUGH.
SO I STARTED TALKING, AND THEY--AND PEOPLE LAUGHED.
- MM-HMM.
WOW.
- AND THAT WAS-- - THAT'S THE START OF COMEDY.
- THAT WAS THE START.
- OF STAND-UP.
- RIGHT, THAT WAS THE START OF STAND-UP.
I WENT TO THE IMPROV WITH SOME FRIENDS, IT WAS A SATURDAY NIGHT, AND WE'RE WATCHING THE SHOW AND I'M WATCHING THEM, AND NOW I'M STARTING TO THINK, [murmuring.]
THIS ISN'T-- "I'M AS FUNNY AS THAT GUY.
" [laughter.]
WHY IS HE SO MUCH FUNNIER THAN ME? I SAY THINGS, PEOPLE LAUGH AT THEM.
- YOU KNOW? - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- I GO UP TO BUDD FRIEDMAN-- THIS IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW.
- MM-HMM.
- I SAID, "I'D LIKE TO GO ON.
" - I MEAN, THAT-- THAT'S INSANE.
- NEVER HAVING DONE IT BEFORE AT ALL? - NEVER SET FOOT ON A STAGE EXCEPT THE ACTING CLASS.
"YEAH, I'D LIKE TO DO THAT.
I WANT TO GO UP.
" HE GOES, "WHO ARE YOU?" I GO, "I'M IN THE AUDIENCE.
" HE GOES-- [laughter.]
HE GOES, "HAVE YOU EVER DONE COMEDY?" I GO, "NO.
" HE GOES, "YOU CAN'T GO ON.
" THERE'S SOME CLUBS IN THE VILLAGE YOU SHOULD GO AND PERFORM AT.
SO I SAID, "OKAY.
" SO I PROCEEDED TO ANNOUNCE TO EVERYBODY THAT I WAS GOING TO BE A COMEDIAN, AND I WROTE SOME MATERIAL FOR MY PERFORMANCE AT FOLK CITY IN GREENWICH VILLAGE FOR MY FIRST TIME.
- GERDE'S FOLK CITY.
- GERDE'S FOLK CITY, EXACTLY.
SO A COUPLE FRIENDS OF MINE CAME DOWN, AND IT WAS--IT WAS JUST BEYOND AWFUL, WHAT I WAS DOING.
YOU KNOW, TERRIBLE IMPRESSIONS AND STUPID BITS, AND NOTHING-- NOTHING THAT EXPRESSED ANYTHING OF WHO I WAS.
- I-I'VE NEVER KNOWN YOU TO DO AN IMPRESSION OF ANYBODY.
- YEAH, RIGHT, BECAUSE I DON'T DO THEM VERY WELL.
[laughter.]
UM, AT THE TIME, I DID HOWARD COSELL AND--AND, UH-- SO I-I DID HOW--YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THE HIP ACT.
I DID HOWARD COSELL.
- RIGHT.
- SO I DID THAT A COUPLE TIMES, AND THEN I WENT TO CATCH A RISING STAR AND STARTED GOING ON LATE AT NIGHT.
- AND DID YOU GET LAUGHS? - UMI GOT LAUGHS FROM THE COMEDIANS AND THE WAITRESSES.
- OH, THAT'S A BIG ENDORSEMENT.
- YEAH.
- THE WAITRESSES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE COMEDIANS.
- YES, BECAUSE THE WAITRESSES ARE TOUGH.
THEY DON'T LAUGH AT ANYBODY.
THEY'VE SEEN EVERYBODY.
SO THEY'RE SAYING THAT YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING WHEN--WHEN THEY'RE DOING THAT.
- SO, UM, BUT I HAD A TOUGH TIME WITH THE AUDIENCE.
- YEAH.
- WELL - THE AUDIENCE-- THEY WEREN'T LAUGHING SO MUCH.
- THEY WEREN'T LAUGHING.
- YEAH, NO.
- AND WHY DO YOU THINK THAT WAS? BECAUSE THEY-- BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE A COMEDY STYLE, AND THEY COULDN'T LISTEN TO THE WORDS? PROBABLY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BECAUSE I BET YOU THE MATERIAL WAS GREAT.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
UM, I THINK THEY--THEY SENSED HOW UNCOMFORTABLE I WAS - I SEE THAT'S NOT--NOT A GOOD THING.
- I THINK THEY PICKED UP ON THAT.
- THEY PICKED THAT UP-- AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE.
- RIGHT, I THINK THEY PICKED UP ON THAT, AND I ALSO HAD NO-- I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO INGRATIATE MYSELF WITH THEM.
LIKE OTHER COMEDIANS WOULD COME UP AND THEY'D GO, "HEY, HOW ARE YOU? HOW'S EVERYBODY TONIGHT? HOW YOU DOING? HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?" YOU KNOW, "YOU HAVING FUN? YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?" AND I COULDN'T-- I COULDN'T DO THAT.
I COULDN'T GO UP ON STAGE, AND--AND SAY THAT TO THEM BECAUSE I-I COULD CARE LESS HOW THEY WERE DOING.
[laughter.]
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- SO, I NEVER ASKED THEM, AND SO THERE WAS LIKE A WALL BETWEEN US, YOU KNOW.
"THIS GUY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME.
WHY SHOULD I LAUGH AT HIM?" - RIGHT.
- SO, THE NEXT THING WE KNOW, YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES.
- SO I DID THAT FOR A COUPLE YEARS, AND THEN THIS SHOW THAT WAS LIKE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - YEAH, I DID IT.
I WAS ONE OF THE HOSTS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE ONE OF THE HOSTS.
- THAT'S HOW MEMORABLE I WAS.
[laughter.]
- NO, NO, I DO REMEMBER.
AND SO THEY HIRED ME FOR THE SHOW, AND THEY CALLED IT-- IT WAS CALLED FRIDAYS, ACTUALLY.
- SEE, MAN IS A STREET WORD.
YOU KNOW, WHAT DO THEY SAY ON THE STREET? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY? - GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.
YOU SEE, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT YOU STOP ME.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE CALLING ME ON A RACIAL POINT.
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU COME UP AND PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME AND THANK ME, IT BECOMES BLACK TO JEW.
WE DON'T WANT THAT, WE DON'T WANT THAT.
WE WANT TO BE JUST KIND OF SPONTANEOUS, NON-DENOMINATIONAL THANK YOU.
- SO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE GOING TO COPY A SHOW CALLED SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE - TRY TO GET ANOTHER TITLE BESIDES FRIDAY.
- YEAH.
- RIGHT, RIGHT, EXACTLY.
- BE A LITTLE LESS OBVIOUS.
A LITTLE LESS OBVIOUS IN THE RIP-OFF.
- YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
- THAT'S ALL.
BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS-- I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE, THE NAME FRIDAYS, AND THEN I GOT THE BINDER, AND FRIDAYS IS SPLATTERED ON--ON--ON-- IT'S--THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE SHOW.
AND THOUGHT-- I THOUGHT THIS WAS A JOKE.
I-I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUNNY JOKE SHOW.
THE NAME, I THOUGHT IT WAS A FUNNY NAME.
- YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO CHANGE IT TO A REAL NAME.
- TO A REAL NAME, THAT THIS WAS A TEMP NAME AS A LAUGH, AND I WENT UP TO THE PRODUCERS, I GO, "ARE--ARE YOU INSANE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T CALL THIS THING FRIDAYS.
" - YOU'RE GONNA BE COMPARED TO SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
- YES, EXACTLY.
- ANY WAY, WE'RE GOING TO BE-- - RIGHT.
- YEAH, ANYWAY.
- SO--SO AFTER FRIDAYS, HOW-- HOW DID SEINFELD COME ABOUT? - OKAY, SO AFTER FRIDAYS, I STAYED AROUND IN L.
A.
FOR A COUPLE YEARS DOING STAND-UP, AND THEN 1984, I THOUGHT, "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE.
" AND I MOVED BACK TO NEW YORK, AND I GOT A JOB AS A WRITER ON SNL.
THAT LASTED ONE YEAR.
I GOT ONE SKETCH ON THE ENTIRE SEASON, AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED THAT YEAR IS THAT AFTER LIKE SIX OR SEVEN WEEKS, I GOT DISGUSTED WITH NOT HAVING ANY--ANYTHING ON THE SHOW, EVEN THOUGH MY SKETCHES WERE DOING WELL AT THE READ-THROUGH.
AND I WENT UP TO DICK EBERSOL, THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER AT THE TIME.
IT WAS FIVE MINUTES BEFORE AIR, AND THEY HAD JUST CUT ANOTHER SKETCH OF MINE.
I WALKED OUT, I SAID, "THAT'S IT! "I QUIT! THIS FUCKING SHOW STINKS! "I'M OUT OF HERE! I AM DONE! IT'S OVER!" - THAT'S REALLY GOOD FOR PROMOTING YOURSELF.
- YEAH.
SO I QUIT.
AND I WALKED HOME, AND I WENT TO MY NEXT--KENNY KRAMER, MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, I WENT TO HIS APARTMENT AND HE SAID, "WHAT'S GOING-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I SAID, "WELL, I QUIT THE SHOW.
" AND HE SAID, "WHY'D YOU DO THAT?" I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.
THEY DIDN'T PUT THE SKETCH ON.
" AND, YOU KNOW, THEN I STARTED TO ADD UP ALL THE MONEY THAT I HAD JUST COST MYSELF, THAT IDIOTIC MOVE I JUST MADE, AND--AND IT WAS ENOUGH FOR ME TO LIVE ON FOR TWO YEARS.
AND SO, I SAID, "I'M SO STUPID.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT.
" HE SAID, "WELL, YOU SHOULD GO IN ON MONDAY, AND PRETEND THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
" [laughter.]
- OKAY, LIKE, LIKE, SURE.
- YEAH.
- LIKE THE HEAD OF NBC WOULD FORGET ABOUT BEING ACCOSTED BY A WRITER.
- YEAH, THE--SO I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT? JESUS, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
" [laughter.]
SO ON MONDAY MORNING, I WENT INTO WORK, AS IF IT NEVER HAPPENED.
AND I WENT INTO THE MONDAY MEETING WITH ALL THE WRITERS, THE WRITERS WERE LOOKING AT ME, LIKE I'M-- "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" AND, UH, THE PRODUCER SAID NOTHING TO ME.
AND IT WORKED.
[laughter.]
- [stammering.]
AND YOU JUST SLID RIGHT BACK IN? - I SLID RIGHT BACK IN.
I THINK I DID THAT ON SEINFELD, TOO.
- AND SEINFELD, BASICALLY, YOU'RE BEHIND THE SCENES, WRITING IT, PRODUCING IT WITH JERRY, AND I REMEMBER THE--THE FIRST YEAR OF SEINFELD.
IT WAS VERY TURBULENT, I MEAN IT WAS HARD TO GET THE NETWORK TO REALLY ACCEPT WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
IS THAT CORRECT? - YEAH.
- THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE STYLE OF WRITING, RIGHT? - I-I DON'T KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I WOULD SAY THEY PROBABLY-- I'D SAY THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
- YEAH.
- THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT.
- YEAH.
- AND THE--AND SO, HOW DID YOU HANDLE THAT? HOW COME YOU DIDN'T-- - NOT--NOT WELL.
- NOT WELL, NO.
WHAT DID YOU DO? - WELL, UM, THE PILOT GOT--GOT PICKED UP.
THEY PICKED IT UP FOR FOUR SHOWS.
JERRY AND I WROTE THE FIRST EPISODE.
AND I WASN'T THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T--THEY DIDN'T REALLY KNOW ME OR TRUST ME.
AND THEY HIRED SOMEBODY TO BE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, AND SO, WE HANDED-- WE HANDED IN THE FIRST SHOW TO THIS GUY.
- [laughing.]
- WHO'S THIS GUY? - THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, YOU MEAN.
- YEAH, WHO IS THIS GUY? WHY--WHY HE-- WHY IS HE READING A SHOW-- WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS? - RIGHT.
- HE'S NOT--HE DOESN'T-- HE DIDN'T WRITE IT.
- RIGHT.
- I-I DIDN'T GET IT.
- SO HE WAS BROUGHT IN AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, WHILE YOU AND JERRY WROTE EVERYTHING, AND HE WOULD JUST SAY, "THIS IS GOOD, THAT'S BAD.
" - WELL, WELL, SO WHAT HAPPENED, WE HANDED IN THE FIRST SHOW, AND THEN WE GOT CALLED INTO HIS OFFICE FOR NOTES.
I SAT QUIETLY WHILE HE GAVE US HIS NOTES ON THE SHOW, AND WHEN HE WAS FINISHED - [chuckles.]
- I LOOKED AT HIM, AND I SAID, "NONO.
"I'M NOT GOING TO DO ONE THING.
NOT ONE THING.
" UM [clears throat.]
[laughter.]
AND THEN, WE WENT BACK TO JERRY'S APARTMENT, AND I SAID, "I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T--WE CAN'T DO THAT.
I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
" "HEY, YOU KNOW, GOOD LUCK WITH THIS" - [laughs.]
"BUT I'M OUT OF HERE.
" - BUT JERRY SAID, "NO, DON'T WORRY, WE'LL WORK IT OUT.
" SO JERRY WENT BACK THE NEXT DAY AND FIXED IT, AND THE PRODUCER WAS KIND OF NEUTERED RIGHT AFTER THAT.
- RIGHT.
- SO THAT WAS THE FIRST FOUR.
AND THEN, WE DID THE SEASON FOR 13.
AND AGAIN, WE FILMED THE WHOLE YEAR, OKAY, WITH A LOT OF BATTLES-- THE CHINESE RESTAURANT SHOW THEY DIDN'T WANT TO PUT ON THE AIR.
I MEAN, IT WAS-- IT WAS RIDICULOUS WITH THE FIGHTS THAT-- THAT WE HAD.
AND THEN, I GOT--I WAS IN NEW YORK OVER THE SUMMER, WE GOT CALLED IN FOR A BIG MEETING BY NBC.
EVERYBODY GOT CALLED IN-- CASTLE ROCK, AND JERRY, AND JERRY'S MANAGERS, AND CASTLE ROCK SAID TO ME, "LISTEN, DON'T--DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT THE MEETING, JUST--JUST LET THEM TALK, OKAY?" SO AGAIN, I GO IN, THEY GO, "OH, WE LIKE THIS SHOW, WE LIKE THAT SHOW AND THAT SHOW, WE DON'T LIKE THESE," ALL THE ONES THAT I LIKED, OF COURSE.
- RIGHT.
- "SO WE DON'T WANT TO DO ANY MORE SHOWS LIKE THIS.
HERE'S WHAT WE NEED-- HERE'S WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO.
" AND I--SO I PROMISED THEM I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
AND WHEN--WHEN I GOT OUTSIDE, I SAID, "LOOK, GOOD LUCK WITH THIS.
" [laughter.]
"GOOD LUCK, I CAN'T-- I CAN'T DO IT.
"MY HAND WILL NOT OBEY THE COMMAND "FROM MY BRAIN TO DO WHAT THEY WANT ME TO DO.
"SO I'M SORRY, JERRY, I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T-- I CAN'T DO IT.
" "WE'LL--WE'LL TALK TO NBC.
" - RIGHT.
- NEXT DAY, I HEAR, "DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
" AND I REALIZED, JESUS, YOU KNOW, THIS SAYING, "NO" THING IS SO POWERFUL.
[laughter.]
I MEAN IT'S--IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- YOU KNOW, WHAT-- WHAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN YOU SAY NO.
AND I NEVER KNEW IT BEFORE.
- YOU COULDN'T WRITE-- - I COULDN'T DO IT.
- YOU COULDN'T WRITE IT BECAUSE IT'S BAD WRITING.
YOU COULDN'T WRITE IT.
- YEAH.
- SO WHO WOULD BE AN INFLUENCE? WHO WOULD YOU SAY WOULD BE INFLUENTIAL? - I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO SAY WOODY ALLEN.
- RIGHT.
- PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S A-- HE'S WRITING AND DOING HIS OWN MATERIAL.
- RIGHT.
- SO HE'S SORT OF PLAYING SOME VERSION OF HIMSELF, AND-- - EXAGGERATED VERSIONS.
- EXAGGERATED VERSIONS OF HIMSELF.
AND--AND I'D SAY SOME OF MEL BROOKS.
UMTHE--THE JAZZ IN HIS-- IN HIS SPEECH, AND THE WAY HE TALKS.
- RIGHT, THE SORT OF THE-- NOT IMPROV, ALMOST AN IMPROVISATIONAL STYLE OF TALKING.
- RIGHT.
- A SPONTANEOUS KIND OF TALKING.
- YEAH, UH [imitating Mel Brooks.]
IT WAS PRETTY--IT WAS PRETTY-- YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT A MUSICAL KIND OF QUALITY TO THE WAY-- TO THE WAY HE TALKS, WHICH I ALWAYS LOVED.
BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY TRIED TO EMULATE ANYONE.
- NO.
- OR WRITE WITH THOSE VOICES IN MY HEAD.
- YOU JUST--YOU LIKE THEM, AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE AN INFLUENCE ON YOU.
- YEAH.
- BUT YOU ALWAYS HAD YOUR OWN VOICE ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
- WELL, WHEN I STARTED DOING--DOING COMEDY, I THINK WHAT I WAS DESPERATELY TRYING TO DO-- AND WHAT PROVED SO DIFFICULT-- WAS TO BE THE PERSON I WAS WITH MY FRIENDS ONSTAGE.
THAT'S--THAT'S REALLY WHAT I WANTED TO DO BUT I DISCOVERED QUICKLY THAT THE AUDIENCE WAS NOT MY FRIEND.
SO IT WAS HARD--IT WAS HARD TO BRING WHATEVER IT WAS THAT I HAD OFF STAGE, TO BRING THAT-- TO BRING THAT ONSTAGE.
- RIGHT, YOU KNOW, I HAD THE OPPOSITE-- MY INFLUENCES WERE WOODY ALLEN AND LENNY BRUCE AS STAND-UPS.
AND I TRIED TO WRITE MATERIAL LIKE WOODY ALLEN AND TRIED TO HAVE A LITTLE EDGINESS LIKE LENNY BRUCE.
AND I WAS--AT THE BITTER END, HOOTENANNY AND I AND JUST WORKING OUT FOR MONTHS JUST TRYING TO GET IT.
AND THEN, ONE NIGHT, THERE WAS JUST A FEW PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE AND A NEW YORK TIMES CRITIC CAME IN, BUT I FELT THAT IF ANYONE WAS GOING TO SEE ME, THEY WOULD SEE THAT I WAS FORMED--I NOW WAS SEPARATE.
I'D FORMED INTO MY OWN PERSON AS A COMEDIAN.
AND THE NEXT DAY, I WAS IN MY APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN, AND A FRIEND OF MINE CALLED ME AND SAID, "DAVE, DID YOU SEE THE NEW YORK TIMES TODAY?" AND I SAID, "NO.
" HE SAID, "THERE'S A GREAT REVIEW, YOU GOT TO SEE IT.
" I MEAN, I COULDN'T GET OVER THAT WITH SIX PEOPLE, THERE WAS A REVIEWER THERE.
[sighs.]
AND I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, "SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU JUST FIND YOURSELF?" AND THE HEADLINE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES WAS DAVID STEINBERG-- A CROSS BETWEEN WOODY ALLEN AND LENNY BRUCE.
[laughter.]
THE--THE CRITIC SAW RIGHT THROUGH ME.
[laughter.]
I WAS-- I THOUGHT I WAS FULL-BLOWN AT MYSELF, BUT IT STILL BROUGHT IN CROWDS AND IT STARTED MY WHOLE CAREER.
BUT I-I DELIBERATELY TRIED TO COPY THEM, AND I GUESS I DID.
BUT YOU NEVER HAD THAT PROBLEM BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T.
IT WAS IN YOU NOT TO DO THAT.
- PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ACTUALLY TAKE WHO YOU ARE, THE ESSENCE OF WHO YOU ARE, AND BRING IT ONSTAGE, BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRY, IT CERTAINLY-- IT DOESN'T SOUND THAT FUNNY TO THESE STRANGERS.
- CORRECT.
- THE THINGS THAT YOUR FRIENDS WOULD LAUGH AT BECAUSE THEY KNOW YOU-- THEY DON'T KNOW YOU.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LAUGH AT IT.
- EXACTLY.
- SO THAT'S WHY THAT'S WHAT TAKES SO LONG.
- YEAH, YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO EVERY SINGLE NEW AUDIENCE IF THEY'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU AND NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.
THAT--THAT'S A SKILL OF STAND-UP COMEDY.
SO NOW CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM-- SO I'VE BEEN DIRECTING, WE'VE BEEN HAVING A GREAT TIME.
THIS WAS THE MOST FUN SHOW.
EVERYONE WHO DOES IT FEELS THAT WAY.
YOU DO, TOO, RIGHT? - YEAH.
- SO DID YOU EVER EXPECT IT TO BE WHAT IT HAS BECOME? - NO, NO.
I MEAN-- UMNO, I-I HAD NO IDEA.
I NEVER THOUGHT SEINFELD WOULD BE ANYTHING EITHER.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST NOT THE WAY I THINK.
[laughter.]
SO - YOU'RE JUST DOING IT.
- YEAH, I'M JUST DOING IT.
I NEVER EVEN-- IT DOESN'T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT SOMETHING COULD BE-- I SWEAR, I'M NOT BEING UM, THIS IS NOT FALSE MODESTY.
IT DOESN'T OCCUR TO ME THAT SOMETHING COULD BE SUCCESSFUL WHEN--WHEN I'M DOING IT.
- AND THEN THE IMPROVISATIONAL STYLE-- YOU TOLD ME THAT THE REASON YOU WANTED TO IMPROVISE IS BECAUSE YOU SAID, "I'M NOT AN ACTOR.
I CAN'T ACT.
" - RIGHT.
I DON'T FEEL AS NEARLY AS COMFORTABLE ACTING.
I FEEL PRETTY UNCOMFORTABLE AT TIMES, BUT I-I DON'T WHEN I'M IMPROVISING.
AND SO IT'S A COMBINATION OF--YOU'VE GOT--YOU'VE GOT SOME ACTING IN THERE, BUT YOU GOT STAND-UP AS WELL BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING FUNNY WITHOUT--WITHOUT ANY SCRIPT.
- THIS IS FANTASTIC.
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS GREAT.
I LOVE THIS.
- THANK YOU.
- AH, THEY'RE GOING TO BE SO THRILLED WHEN THEY COME HOME.
THANK YOU, JOSEPH, THANK YOU, MARY, SHEPHERDS.
- IT'S OUR PLEASURE.
- JOSEPH, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- YES.
- UM - [noisily clearing throat.]
- ARE YOU OKAY? - [noisily clearing throat.]
I GOT A PUBIC HAIR STUCK IN MY THROAT.
- OH.
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.
- I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS THING.
IT'S KILLING ME.
IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS, JOSEPH.
DRIVING ME NUTS.
- I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR PERSONAL-- - OH, BOY.
AND MARY, BY THE WAY, HAS QUITE THE BOD.
- WHAT? - COME ON.
JOEY, BETWEEN YOU AND ME, YOU AND MARY, EH, YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT NOW AND THEN? WHAT DO YOU DO? - NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE LEAVING.
- THAT'S IT, LET'S PACK IT UP.
- WHAT? - WE'RE LEAVING.
- WHAT, COME ON, JOE! - AND NOW, WHAT'S SO INTERESTING IS WHO THE AUDIENCE IS FOR THIS.
LIKE, IN THE LAST THREE YEARS, IT'S REACHED A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.
CERTAINLY, YOU MUST FEEL THAT, RIGHT? AND IT'S A SORT OF A GOOD COMEDY RULE, THE MORE PERSONAL YOU ARE-- YOU KNOW, A WEALTHY WRITER, ALL THAT, THAT'S PERSONAL, JEWISH-- EVERYTHING THAT THE NETWORKS WOULD INVEIGH AGAINST, THEY SAY, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
" AND THE AUDIENCE IS ALL NATIONALITIES.
I MEAN, IT'S AMAZING--THIS IS NOT JUST A NICHE SHOW FOR JEWS.
[laughter.]
- RIGHT, YEAH.
- WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK IT MIGHT BE.
- I THINK IT HAS A SPONTANEITY AND AN HONESTY THAT--THAT PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE.
- YEAH, PEOPLE'VE NEVER SEEN A CHARACTER LIKE YOUR CHARACTER.
I'VE ASKED YOU THIS BEFORE-- PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME-- WHAT DO THEY ASK ME THE MOST? - WHAT AM I LIKE? - WHAT--YEAH.
ARE YOU REALLY THAT CHARACTER? - RIGHT.
- WHAT--WHAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO THAT? - WELL, I--MY ANSWER'S THE SAME AS--AS YOURS.
FIRST OF ALL, THAT CHARACTER CERTAINLY COULDN'T HAVE EXECUTIVE PRODUCED IT-- - AND WRITTEN THE SHOW.
- YEAH, AND WRITTEN THE SHOW.
SO ON THE OTHER HAND, THERE'S SO MANY THINGS ABOUT DOING THAT CHARACTER THAT I LOVED BECAUSE AS HONEST AS HE IS, THAT'S-- THAT'S HOW DISHONEST I AM.
[laughter.]
- RIGHT.
- BECAUSE MY LIFE IS JUST-- I AM SO COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT 24 HOURS A DAY-- NOT AN HONEST WORD EVER ESCAPES MY LIPS, EVERYTHING IS A LIE, AND SO WHEN I DO THIS CHARACTER, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW-- WHAT A PLEASURE IT IS FOR ME TO DO IT.
THAT I CAN SAY TO SOMEBODY-- I CAN SAY THE TRUTH TO SOMEBODY RIGHT--RIGHT THERE, RIGHT ON THE SET, IN--IN THAT CIRCUMSTANCE, AND I CAN TELL THEM EXACTLY WHAT I THINK, OKAY? YOU KNOW, I-I MAY TRY AND BE A LITTLE TACTFUL ABOUT IT - RIGHT, RIGHT.
- BUT I'LL TELL THE TRUTH.
- SO YOU ASPIRE TO BE THAT CHARACTER.
- ABSOLUTELY.
[laughter.]
NO, I LOVE-- I LOVE THE CHARACTER.
I DO.
- YEAH.
SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE.
THANKS, LARRY.
THIS IS JUST GREAT TALKING TO YOU AS USUAL.
- THANK YOU, DAVID.
- THANKS.
[theme to The Andy Griffith Show.]
[music.]