It's a Date (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Should You Date On The Rebound?
A girl.
A werewolf.
A vampire.
A romance shrouded in mystery.
But there is nothing mysterious about these prices.
30% off all vacuum bags and carpet cleaners.
Hi, Lauren.
Oh, hi, Winston.
Manda, it's Winston.
Hey, Winston.
How's the vacuum business? OK, Manda, let me have it.
It sucks, doesn't it? Brilliant.
Sometimes it blows.
Every day.
She's starting early today.
Who, Charlize? Oh, she's in huge demand.
Charlize has six stores to do today.
Six, including Supre.
Supre loves Charlize.
Lucky girl.
And she gets a muffin, every day.
Well, you know, I like to keep the romance alive.
I thought you guys had broken up.
We're on a break, actually.
Does she even like muffins? Who doesn't like a Double Blueberry Fantastia? Bitch! You have flour on your face.
Hang on, mate, I'm just on the phone to Aunty Karen.
Kaz, what are you up to? Camilla is a fantastic nanny.
She's great with Margot and she's gorgeous.
I don't know if I'm ready to get back out there yet.
Jump in, mate.
It's been nearly four years and it's time to get back in the game.
Yeah, well, it's the game that scares me.
Daddy, Margo's weird.
Shh, mate.
When you say gorgeous, do you mean physically gorgeous? I've decided to be more superficial.
It's my New Year's resolution.
She's a beautiful looking woman.
Is she going to be weird like the last one? Melissa wasn't weird.
Karen, she took me to a swingers' party.
It's just a play date with Biff at a play centre.
Nothing serious.
Camilla, eh? Ah, Winston, raffle ticket? Not now, Fred.
And don't forget that the new Twilight film is showing right here.
You've updated your status to single? I thought we were on a break.
We are on a break.
We are on a break.
Then what's with this 'I'm single' bullshit? I am single.
And this is how you tell me? You see this muffin? This muffin was for you.
You buy me a muffin every day.
I don't even like muffins.
That's not the point.
It's a gesture.
Of love.
Win, I can't have this conversation right now.
I've got Adairs, Speeds and Supre Guess what, girlfriend? You're not my girlfriend anymore.
How's that for a status update? Boom! All good things have to come to an end.
But not our sales.
They go all year round.
We've been through this before, champ.
Your cousin Margo, yeah, in some ways she's a little bit different, but she's mostly just like you and me, eh? OK.
In life you've gotta accept, mate, that sometimes Hey, it's Biff! Hi! Hey! Hey.
How are you? Come on, mate, play nice.
You've been sprayed for girl germs, haven't you, Margo? Hey, kids, time to shake it up on the jumpy castle.
You going to go play, mate? Want to go play? See you.
Hi.
Hugo.
Hi.
Camilla.
You sure? I haven't been sprayed for girl germs.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
'Cause we're crazy about sales.
Are you crazy about sales? Well, check this one out.
Change your mind, Winston? Not now, Fred.
Hi, Lauren.
Manda! Hi, Manda.
Oh, hi, Winston.
Manda, would you like to go out with me sometime? Say lunchtime, today, 1pm at the food court? But aren't you and Charlize Ancient history.
When did that happen? 30 seconds ago.
Don't you think it's a little too soon? Not for me.
For both of us then.
You've been a free agent for like two months now.
It'll be two months on Tuesday.
And you broke up with him, right? It's not that simple.
And now he's engaged.
What? You've got to check your Facebook.
Lauren, can I return this muffin? Yeah.
See I wanted to tell you face to face, but then I thought it'd be easier to tell you on the internet.
You said you weren't the marrying type.
No.
No, you're not going to ruin my day.
You will not.
You know today I've made three more acquisitions? I'm buying record stores like they're going out of fashion.
This latest model can even clean up Blueberry Fantasia muffins.
No mess can be fixed when you have the right equipment.
Winston.
It's a date.
Cheap damaged goods, flying out the door, everyone.
Small things on sale What's happening, kids? Oh, you know what time it is.
Time for that little jump on the old castle.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up poo face.
I reckon that kid'll be serving five to life by year seven.
Sorry? Oh, it's cool.
I'm just watching the future Chopper Reed at work over there.
You going to Thailand? Yeah.
I'm going to go to Phuket, and then two nights in Bangkok.
It's going to be pretty awesome.
Just kind of so spiritual, you know? And I'm just gonna like meditate every day, even when I'm hung-over.
Good for you.
Yeah, thanks.
Have you been to Asia? Yeah.
Funny enough I was just in Kokoda two and a half months ago.
Kokoda.
Is that near Koh Samui? No, not quite.
Kokoda, Papua New Guinea.
World War 2, diggers.
Kochie walked it with Ruddy.
Oh, yeah, I saw that! Who'd you go with? Some mates? Was it awesome? Yeah, yeah, it was awesome, actually.
I went with a group of amputees, so, yeah, really inspirational, actually.
Walking 97km of really rough terrain.
Yeah, there was one guy who literally walked the whole thing on one leg.
Oh, my God, that's hilarious! Why would you do it on one leg? That's crazy.
Was it a dare? No, it's an amputee thing.
A lot of them do it Oh, my God, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
I just say things without thinking.
Sorry.
I just I just open my mouth and blah Sorry.
I'm really impulsive, and I know that can be quite annoying.
Endearing.
Endearing? Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, alright, I'm endearing.
That's better.
I'm endearing.
Who does that kid belong to? It seems people want to eat at lunchtime.
Who knew? Oh, you don't have to stand.
But good to see that chivalry's not dead.
No, no, we need to get something to eat.
Yep! So what do you feel like? I don't know.
What are you thinking? Do you like Asian? Uh, no, can't do Asian.
Oh, you can't do Asian? Great, let's just call this whole thing off.
Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.
I'm joking.
Relax.
I'm just joking.
I'm a funny guy.
You should know that by now.
OK, I was joking too.
Oh, so you do want Asian? No.
OK, well, let's just go get something to eat.
OK.
Um well, I OK.
I guess I'll mind the table.
Here, buddy.
You're away.
Hey.
The good news is they're engaged.
The bad news is, the reception's here.
As long as that kid's not invited we'll be fine.
Oh, I reckon his parole officer'll be here soon.
It's mine! So, how did you come up with the name Biff? It's Is it a family name? No, it was a name that his mum was hell-bent on him having.
Oh.
It wasn't my first choice, I'll be honest.
At the hospital, she sent me upstairs to get a fizzy drink from the vending machine.
When I came back, the certificate had been filed, and bing, bang, boom, we had a baby Biff.
Ah, it's not a bad name.
You know, it's different.
She could have called him Farty McNarty, and I would have learnt to love it.
But I reckon if you're going to call a kid Biff, you should stick around longer than three years.
Yeah.
How did she die? Sorry, sorry, blah-blah-blah.
Sorry.
Yeah.
There I go again, sorry.
She was killed by jazz hands.
What? A fatal game of charades.
Really? No, I'm joking.
She's not she's not dead, but I'll keep you posted.
I went a little nuts.
I think I got something from every corner of the globe.
Yeah, but that's what's great about food court.
It's a world of flavour.
I got a bit of roast duck.
From Duck Yeah! Turkey salad.
Gobble Gobble.
What'd you get? I got a big disgusting box of greasy, greasy fried chicken.
Hasn't your heart suffered enough? I'm celebrating.
Look, she may only have weighed 51 kilos, but she was a huge weight on my shoulders, just weighing me down.
All the way down.
Down to the bottom of the ocean.
It seemed to happen so quickly.
Manda, I don't want to talk about Charlize.
But I will say this.
Our break-up was definitely mutual.
In fact, every relationship I've ever had with any woman has ended mutually.
So you both reached the same point At the same time.
That's what mutual is, yes.
Brett and I were together for seven years.
Win, I think I did something stupid.
Really stupid.
Did you make a sex tape? Because I've made three sex tapes, all of them mutual.
I gave him an ultimatum.
Uh-oh! When I hear the word 'ultimatum', all I hear are warning bells.
We weren't going anywhere.
I needed to know we were going somewhere.
So, one night after mixed netball, I just said it out loud.
What'd you say? 'We get engaged or I leave'.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong! I didn't want to get married, and now, two months later, I find myself in a food court on a rebound date.
What are you doing? I'm eating.
I'll tag you.
Biff gets a birthday email, and sometimes a Christmas one too.
Not all women are born to be mums.
Yeah.
Did you try and stop her, or what happened? Yeah, I would have, but she was a bit cunning.
Cunning? How? Well, she asked me to get up on the roof and clean the gutters out.
God, I should have seen the signs.
Anyway, so I hop on the roof.
Did I tell you I'm afraid of heights? No.
Anyway, I am.
Ironic, I know.
I stand on the ground and bark at all the apprentices.
So, anyway, I'm up there, shaking like an Eskimo in a tank top, gathering up five years worth of autumn leaves.
Then I look down and I see Deb with her bags packed, getting into a cab.
And I knew it wasn't a weekend getaway.
God, that's awful.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Were you happy about it? No! Oh.
It was the worst day of my life.
No, it's just, I remember being on the roof looking down, seeing Deb drive away forever.
I remember saying out loud What? I said 'Wife, leaves, gutted'.
I didn't laugh back then, but I knew I would one day.
That's really funny.
Yeah, I can see it too.
You're such a nice guy.
Like, no offence, but was she a massive bitch? Seriously.
It would've been easier if she was.
Yeah.
Anyway, what can you do? I mean, after all, Nelson Mandela got divorced.
That's true.
Although, he did spend a lot of time away from home.
Oh, there's been some sick in the helicopter.
Better get shoes on there.
This is the most reboundish rebound date in rebound history.
Kobe Bryant couldn't rebound this quickly.
Define rebound.
OK.
A guy gets dumped.
Gets an opportunity to think about his life.
Goes to Noosa with his mates, meets a slutty marine biologist, forgets the very reason we broke up in the first place, and marries the marine biologist really quickly, announces it online, boom! I'm sorry.
I think rebound gets such a bad rap.
I mean, rebound just means you're moving on with your life, right? No, I'm pro-rebound.
Rebound is win-win.
What do marine biologists actually do, anyway? Nobody gets hurt here.
I had sea monkeys once and they were disgusting.
What am I supposed to do? Wait for the idiot guy with the stupid fringe to ask you out? I don't think so.
Onwards and upwards.
It's the only way.
Yeah, but how could you kill an innocent Tree? Yeah.
I don't know if you've notice, but they're not endangered.
I know, they're not hurting anybody.
Well, they can, if they're, you know, old and rotting, and hanging over a neighbour's driveway.
So how do you do it? How do we do what? Well, do you tell the tree beforehand? Do I tell the tree? OK, you see the Indians - not the call centre ones, but the cool American ones - when they need to chop down a tree, they kneel in front of it, and they explain to the tree why it needs to be chopped down.
So they explain that it'll provide warmth and shelter, and then they say thank you to the tree.
Then they walk up to the top of a hill with an axe, turn back around, run down the hill and chop down the tree next to it.
You see? So the tree they actually spoke to didn't get chopped down.
The one next to it did.
It didn't see it coming.
No.
There's no pain, you see? That's so wise.
Do you do it like that, or? No, I use a chainsaw.
OK.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! So, you and the actress, Charlize.
That isn't her real name, is it? No, it's not.
It's Fiona.
I kept telling her there's never been a famous actress named Fiona.
In fact, if you can name one, I'll give you a million bucks.
But you can't, because there hasn't.
Fiona Apple.
Not a good actress.
I'll think about it.
You don't have to.
I've already thought about it for you.
So, how long were you going out? It was for like six months, yeah? We were on a break.
OK.
So, tell me the moment you realised you were on a break.
Alright.
I went to the opening night of one of her plays.
I hate Godspell, but whatever.
I went backstage to give her a little something A muffin? No, flowers.
It was a gesture.
But I could tell something was different.
She kept saying all these crazy things, like how she needed some space, and that we were still so young, and that we should see other people, and that maybe she already started seeing someone else.
Just crazy, crazy stuff.
That seems pretty clear.
I'm a dickhead, aren't I? I'm a dickhead.
Why are you a dickhead? Because I feel like I've wasted so much time, and now I'm back at square one.
Wasted time? Don't be ridiculous.
You dodged a huge bullet.
You sidestepped a nuclear missile.
That's a win.
Well, it doesn't feel like it.
You're pinning your hopes on a man who's investing in record stores? Record stores? When's the last time you even bought a record? They sell CDs too.
You're all set up now.
You're in the muffin game.
You can't download a muffin.
You can't send a muffin in the mail.
Don't be shy, don't walk by.
It doesn't cost you anything to just have a look.
Hey, I may be a window pane, but I'm not made of glass! Losers.
Babes.
Hey, um, Hugo, this is Royce.
Um Ah, I'm your boyfriend.
Gidday, tiger.
Royce Pinney, Marketing 2IC, Chadwick and Bezzina.
You've probably seen our fridge magnets.
I chose the font.
Research is suggesting it's got massive cut through.
I look forward to checking one out.
I've got a shitload in the car.
I'll give you a few dozen.
You can give some to your mates.
Oh, it's very generous.
I'm sure one's more than enough.
Cheers.
Sorry, how'd you know I was here? I saw your car out the front.
Right, what were you doing Oh, don't worry, babes.
I can't hang around here too long.
Kids make me nervous.
Hey, babes, you got 50 bucks? No.
I'm just going to go down the road, get the paper, maybe a magazine.
Right, down the road? Hey, babes, we've been through this before.
I'm 2IC.
The pressure is real.
The GFC, the downwards market, interest rates up, auctions down.
For me to be at my best, I need to be relaxed.
OK, so I'm just going for a walk.
I just came to say hi.
Oh, my God, it's Margo! Help me! Mummy! How'd she get up there? I don't know.
Ha-haha-ha-ha! Seriously, who owns this kid? Margo, just stay there.
We'll be there in a sec.
Just stay there.
So, have I changed your mind on this whole rebound date thing? Yeah, maybe.
OK.
Well, maybe if you're not doing anything later There are some spooky savings to be had on all back-to-school shoes.
Maybe you want to go watch a movie.
Oh, the vampire one? No.
Anything but that one.
Don't be shy, don't walk by.
We've got some great savings Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here! Not all of us want 20% discount on school shoes! It's actually 50%, shoppers.
50%.
Your real name is Fiona! It's all a bit too soon, isn't it? OK, we've got a crying child causing a bit of a stir up here.
If her parents could do something about it, quickly.
You know, you're killing the buzz.
You sure you're OK to do this? I did the Kokoda.
I'm pretty sure I can do Bungles Play Gym.
I was in a pretty bad car accident about five years ago, and Royce was in a wakeboard accident and we just Look, Camilla, I don't know if you've ever seen a 109 kilo man who's afraid of heights go through a kid's play tunnel, but this is not going to be pretty.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
We have a great sale on today.
I don't think it's worth keeping this one alive.
But we have a brand new model, the TX40.
I'm sorry sir, but can I ask you a question? Son? Do you like this vacuum cleaner? Oh, yeah, we've never had a problem with it.
Then why give up on it? There's nothing wrong with this one.
OK, sure, it might take a little bit of time and work to get it back on track, and yes, the TX40 is shinier and it has all the bells and whistles.
But what you've already got, what's right in front of you, isn't it worth hanging onto? Sir, sir, sir, the TX40 is better.
Dad, the TX40's a slut.
Kids, eh? I blame the Twitter.
Oh, hello, little kids.
Looks like we've got a real-life rescue here at Bungles Play Gym.
It's a bit of a tight squeeze up there.
As you'll know, it's not at all easy to drive a truck through that thing.
But you've gotta try, and I think someone might be regretting the upsizing of the nuggets over the years.
Yeah, so anyway, that's it from me.
Dr Biz EB has another gig to get to.
What can I say, when you're hot, you're hot.
Anyway, to all the honeys out there, I've been Dr Biz EB.
Hey.
Hey, Margo.
Hey.
OK, are you alright? Yeah.
I'm here.
I can get you down, OK? Good girl.
OK.
Ready to go down? OK, that makes one of us.
Don't be frightened, shoppers.
More shopping savings are right here.
What do you want? I think I stuffed up.
Does he belong to you? God, no.
Hey, kids, this is Dr Slee-Z.
Coming up next on stage, all the way from Auckland, it's Crystal.
A reminder to our VIP Platinum Members, 10% off the buffet for the next half hour.
It's over, Royce.
I don't even like you very much.
Hey, time and place, babes.
I don't think Mercedes needs to hear this.
And Comic Sans font does not have cut through.
Coming up next on stage, we have Porsche, Mercedes, and all the way from Tokyo, Daihatsu.
Yeah, it's a three-way freeway.
Hi, Manda.
Hey, hey, hey Winston.
So you and Brett, back together, eh? He's a good man.
Bright future.
No, that wasn't It's not my business.
The sea monkey just found out about his new record stores.
He's in deep shit.
You know, I had an uncle who was into emu eggs.
He's doing OK.
How are you going? You got a big worked up back there.
Look, it wasn't a rebound date.
I bought a $3 muffin from you every morning that nobody ate.
But what I was really spending money on was that two minutes with you.
Oh, like a prostitute? Yeah.
Look, you know what I mean.
I want to get to spend more than two minutes with you.
I'm gonna make a fortune here, aren't I? Hey, I'm being serious.
This is my serious voice.
You've got some flour on your face.
Oh, come on! What? A bit higher.
Where? No, a bit Let me.
There, all better.
Hey, that that vampire movie starts soon.
Do Not too soon, I hope? Oh! So I'm supposed to wait for the chick with the bangs from Supre to ask you out? I don't think so.
It's OK, darling.
I'm sure there's a reason, OK? Right to go? Hey.
Wow, that was impulsive.
I prefer endearing.
Ah, where's Royce? Um, he's out buying a Mercedes.
Are you sure you want to do this? Do you? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Ha! Stop it, idiot! Seriously, where's this kid's parents? Braden! I told you to stay behind the mixing desk.
So I hear this movie is supposed to be quite good.
Where'd you hear that from? Oh, just around.
That is Gin.
Loves her G&Ts.
That's why we call her Gin.
And her name's Virginia.
Stop the pity party and turn up the heat.
How awesome is this? We're ordering off sneakers.
You can see why Dannii Minogue tweeted about it.
Have you had a chance to look at the menu? Everything's full of carbs, calories, sugar, fats.
I'm going to order the nuggets.
Action.
I'm Ben Watson and I'm going to bend a fork.
I'm gonna dack ya! What? I'm gonna dack ya! It's not going to bend.
A werewolf.
A vampire.
A romance shrouded in mystery.
But there is nothing mysterious about these prices.
30% off all vacuum bags and carpet cleaners.
Hi, Lauren.
Oh, hi, Winston.
Manda, it's Winston.
Hey, Winston.
How's the vacuum business? OK, Manda, let me have it.
It sucks, doesn't it? Brilliant.
Sometimes it blows.
Every day.
She's starting early today.
Who, Charlize? Oh, she's in huge demand.
Charlize has six stores to do today.
Six, including Supre.
Supre loves Charlize.
Lucky girl.
And she gets a muffin, every day.
Well, you know, I like to keep the romance alive.
I thought you guys had broken up.
We're on a break, actually.
Does she even like muffins? Who doesn't like a Double Blueberry Fantastia? Bitch! You have flour on your face.
Hang on, mate, I'm just on the phone to Aunty Karen.
Kaz, what are you up to? Camilla is a fantastic nanny.
She's great with Margot and she's gorgeous.
I don't know if I'm ready to get back out there yet.
Jump in, mate.
It's been nearly four years and it's time to get back in the game.
Yeah, well, it's the game that scares me.
Daddy, Margo's weird.
Shh, mate.
When you say gorgeous, do you mean physically gorgeous? I've decided to be more superficial.
It's my New Year's resolution.
She's a beautiful looking woman.
Is she going to be weird like the last one? Melissa wasn't weird.
Karen, she took me to a swingers' party.
It's just a play date with Biff at a play centre.
Nothing serious.
Camilla, eh? Ah, Winston, raffle ticket? Not now, Fred.
And don't forget that the new Twilight film is showing right here.
You've updated your status to single? I thought we were on a break.
We are on a break.
We are on a break.
Then what's with this 'I'm single' bullshit? I am single.
And this is how you tell me? You see this muffin? This muffin was for you.
You buy me a muffin every day.
I don't even like muffins.
That's not the point.
It's a gesture.
Of love.
Win, I can't have this conversation right now.
I've got Adairs, Speeds and Supre Guess what, girlfriend? You're not my girlfriend anymore.
How's that for a status update? Boom! All good things have to come to an end.
But not our sales.
They go all year round.
We've been through this before, champ.
Your cousin Margo, yeah, in some ways she's a little bit different, but she's mostly just like you and me, eh? OK.
In life you've gotta accept, mate, that sometimes Hey, it's Biff! Hi! Hey! Hey.
How are you? Come on, mate, play nice.
You've been sprayed for girl germs, haven't you, Margo? Hey, kids, time to shake it up on the jumpy castle.
You going to go play, mate? Want to go play? See you.
Hi.
Hugo.
Hi.
Camilla.
You sure? I haven't been sprayed for girl germs.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
'Cause we're crazy about sales.
Are you crazy about sales? Well, check this one out.
Change your mind, Winston? Not now, Fred.
Hi, Lauren.
Manda! Hi, Manda.
Oh, hi, Winston.
Manda, would you like to go out with me sometime? Say lunchtime, today, 1pm at the food court? But aren't you and Charlize Ancient history.
When did that happen? 30 seconds ago.
Don't you think it's a little too soon? Not for me.
For both of us then.
You've been a free agent for like two months now.
It'll be two months on Tuesday.
And you broke up with him, right? It's not that simple.
And now he's engaged.
What? You've got to check your Facebook.
Lauren, can I return this muffin? Yeah.
See I wanted to tell you face to face, but then I thought it'd be easier to tell you on the internet.
You said you weren't the marrying type.
No.
No, you're not going to ruin my day.
You will not.
You know today I've made three more acquisitions? I'm buying record stores like they're going out of fashion.
This latest model can even clean up Blueberry Fantasia muffins.
No mess can be fixed when you have the right equipment.
Winston.
It's a date.
Cheap damaged goods, flying out the door, everyone.
Small things on sale What's happening, kids? Oh, you know what time it is.
Time for that little jump on the old castle.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up poo face.
I reckon that kid'll be serving five to life by year seven.
Sorry? Oh, it's cool.
I'm just watching the future Chopper Reed at work over there.
You going to Thailand? Yeah.
I'm going to go to Phuket, and then two nights in Bangkok.
It's going to be pretty awesome.
Just kind of so spiritual, you know? And I'm just gonna like meditate every day, even when I'm hung-over.
Good for you.
Yeah, thanks.
Have you been to Asia? Yeah.
Funny enough I was just in Kokoda two and a half months ago.
Kokoda.
Is that near Koh Samui? No, not quite.
Kokoda, Papua New Guinea.
World War 2, diggers.
Kochie walked it with Ruddy.
Oh, yeah, I saw that! Who'd you go with? Some mates? Was it awesome? Yeah, yeah, it was awesome, actually.
I went with a group of amputees, so, yeah, really inspirational, actually.
Walking 97km of really rough terrain.
Yeah, there was one guy who literally walked the whole thing on one leg.
Oh, my God, that's hilarious! Why would you do it on one leg? That's crazy.
Was it a dare? No, it's an amputee thing.
A lot of them do it Oh, my God, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
I just say things without thinking.
Sorry.
I just I just open my mouth and blah Sorry.
I'm really impulsive, and I know that can be quite annoying.
Endearing.
Endearing? Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, alright, I'm endearing.
That's better.
I'm endearing.
Who does that kid belong to? It seems people want to eat at lunchtime.
Who knew? Oh, you don't have to stand.
But good to see that chivalry's not dead.
No, no, we need to get something to eat.
Yep! So what do you feel like? I don't know.
What are you thinking? Do you like Asian? Uh, no, can't do Asian.
Oh, you can't do Asian? Great, let's just call this whole thing off.
Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.
I'm joking.
Relax.
I'm just joking.
I'm a funny guy.
You should know that by now.
OK, I was joking too.
Oh, so you do want Asian? No.
OK, well, let's just go get something to eat.
OK.
Um well, I OK.
I guess I'll mind the table.
Here, buddy.
You're away.
Hey.
The good news is they're engaged.
The bad news is, the reception's here.
As long as that kid's not invited we'll be fine.
Oh, I reckon his parole officer'll be here soon.
It's mine! So, how did you come up with the name Biff? It's Is it a family name? No, it was a name that his mum was hell-bent on him having.
Oh.
It wasn't my first choice, I'll be honest.
At the hospital, she sent me upstairs to get a fizzy drink from the vending machine.
When I came back, the certificate had been filed, and bing, bang, boom, we had a baby Biff.
Ah, it's not a bad name.
You know, it's different.
She could have called him Farty McNarty, and I would have learnt to love it.
But I reckon if you're going to call a kid Biff, you should stick around longer than three years.
Yeah.
How did she die? Sorry, sorry, blah-blah-blah.
Sorry.
Yeah.
There I go again, sorry.
She was killed by jazz hands.
What? A fatal game of charades.
Really? No, I'm joking.
She's not she's not dead, but I'll keep you posted.
I went a little nuts.
I think I got something from every corner of the globe.
Yeah, but that's what's great about food court.
It's a world of flavour.
I got a bit of roast duck.
From Duck Yeah! Turkey salad.
Gobble Gobble.
What'd you get? I got a big disgusting box of greasy, greasy fried chicken.
Hasn't your heart suffered enough? I'm celebrating.
Look, she may only have weighed 51 kilos, but she was a huge weight on my shoulders, just weighing me down.
All the way down.
Down to the bottom of the ocean.
It seemed to happen so quickly.
Manda, I don't want to talk about Charlize.
But I will say this.
Our break-up was definitely mutual.
In fact, every relationship I've ever had with any woman has ended mutually.
So you both reached the same point At the same time.
That's what mutual is, yes.
Brett and I were together for seven years.
Win, I think I did something stupid.
Really stupid.
Did you make a sex tape? Because I've made three sex tapes, all of them mutual.
I gave him an ultimatum.
Uh-oh! When I hear the word 'ultimatum', all I hear are warning bells.
We weren't going anywhere.
I needed to know we were going somewhere.
So, one night after mixed netball, I just said it out loud.
What'd you say? 'We get engaged or I leave'.
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong! I didn't want to get married, and now, two months later, I find myself in a food court on a rebound date.
What are you doing? I'm eating.
I'll tag you.
Biff gets a birthday email, and sometimes a Christmas one too.
Not all women are born to be mums.
Yeah.
Did you try and stop her, or what happened? Yeah, I would have, but she was a bit cunning.
Cunning? How? Well, she asked me to get up on the roof and clean the gutters out.
God, I should have seen the signs.
Anyway, so I hop on the roof.
Did I tell you I'm afraid of heights? No.
Anyway, I am.
Ironic, I know.
I stand on the ground and bark at all the apprentices.
So, anyway, I'm up there, shaking like an Eskimo in a tank top, gathering up five years worth of autumn leaves.
Then I look down and I see Deb with her bags packed, getting into a cab.
And I knew it wasn't a weekend getaway.
God, that's awful.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Were you happy about it? No! Oh.
It was the worst day of my life.
No, it's just, I remember being on the roof looking down, seeing Deb drive away forever.
I remember saying out loud What? I said 'Wife, leaves, gutted'.
I didn't laugh back then, but I knew I would one day.
That's really funny.
Yeah, I can see it too.
You're such a nice guy.
Like, no offence, but was she a massive bitch? Seriously.
It would've been easier if she was.
Yeah.
Anyway, what can you do? I mean, after all, Nelson Mandela got divorced.
That's true.
Although, he did spend a lot of time away from home.
Oh, there's been some sick in the helicopter.
Better get shoes on there.
This is the most reboundish rebound date in rebound history.
Kobe Bryant couldn't rebound this quickly.
Define rebound.
OK.
A guy gets dumped.
Gets an opportunity to think about his life.
Goes to Noosa with his mates, meets a slutty marine biologist, forgets the very reason we broke up in the first place, and marries the marine biologist really quickly, announces it online, boom! I'm sorry.
I think rebound gets such a bad rap.
I mean, rebound just means you're moving on with your life, right? No, I'm pro-rebound.
Rebound is win-win.
What do marine biologists actually do, anyway? Nobody gets hurt here.
I had sea monkeys once and they were disgusting.
What am I supposed to do? Wait for the idiot guy with the stupid fringe to ask you out? I don't think so.
Onwards and upwards.
It's the only way.
Yeah, but how could you kill an innocent Tree? Yeah.
I don't know if you've notice, but they're not endangered.
I know, they're not hurting anybody.
Well, they can, if they're, you know, old and rotting, and hanging over a neighbour's driveway.
So how do you do it? How do we do what? Well, do you tell the tree beforehand? Do I tell the tree? OK, you see the Indians - not the call centre ones, but the cool American ones - when they need to chop down a tree, they kneel in front of it, and they explain to the tree why it needs to be chopped down.
So they explain that it'll provide warmth and shelter, and then they say thank you to the tree.
Then they walk up to the top of a hill with an axe, turn back around, run down the hill and chop down the tree next to it.
You see? So the tree they actually spoke to didn't get chopped down.
The one next to it did.
It didn't see it coming.
No.
There's no pain, you see? That's so wise.
Do you do it like that, or? No, I use a chainsaw.
OK.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! So, you and the actress, Charlize.
That isn't her real name, is it? No, it's not.
It's Fiona.
I kept telling her there's never been a famous actress named Fiona.
In fact, if you can name one, I'll give you a million bucks.
But you can't, because there hasn't.
Fiona Apple.
Not a good actress.
I'll think about it.
You don't have to.
I've already thought about it for you.
So, how long were you going out? It was for like six months, yeah? We were on a break.
OK.
So, tell me the moment you realised you were on a break.
Alright.
I went to the opening night of one of her plays.
I hate Godspell, but whatever.
I went backstage to give her a little something A muffin? No, flowers.
It was a gesture.
But I could tell something was different.
She kept saying all these crazy things, like how she needed some space, and that we were still so young, and that we should see other people, and that maybe she already started seeing someone else.
Just crazy, crazy stuff.
That seems pretty clear.
I'm a dickhead, aren't I? I'm a dickhead.
Why are you a dickhead? Because I feel like I've wasted so much time, and now I'm back at square one.
Wasted time? Don't be ridiculous.
You dodged a huge bullet.
You sidestepped a nuclear missile.
That's a win.
Well, it doesn't feel like it.
You're pinning your hopes on a man who's investing in record stores? Record stores? When's the last time you even bought a record? They sell CDs too.
You're all set up now.
You're in the muffin game.
You can't download a muffin.
You can't send a muffin in the mail.
Don't be shy, don't walk by.
It doesn't cost you anything to just have a look.
Hey, I may be a window pane, but I'm not made of glass! Losers.
Babes.
Hey, um, Hugo, this is Royce.
Um Ah, I'm your boyfriend.
Gidday, tiger.
Royce Pinney, Marketing 2IC, Chadwick and Bezzina.
You've probably seen our fridge magnets.
I chose the font.
Research is suggesting it's got massive cut through.
I look forward to checking one out.
I've got a shitload in the car.
I'll give you a few dozen.
You can give some to your mates.
Oh, it's very generous.
I'm sure one's more than enough.
Cheers.
Sorry, how'd you know I was here? I saw your car out the front.
Right, what were you doing Oh, don't worry, babes.
I can't hang around here too long.
Kids make me nervous.
Hey, babes, you got 50 bucks? No.
I'm just going to go down the road, get the paper, maybe a magazine.
Right, down the road? Hey, babes, we've been through this before.
I'm 2IC.
The pressure is real.
The GFC, the downwards market, interest rates up, auctions down.
For me to be at my best, I need to be relaxed.
OK, so I'm just going for a walk.
I just came to say hi.
Oh, my God, it's Margo! Help me! Mummy! How'd she get up there? I don't know.
Ha-haha-ha-ha! Seriously, who owns this kid? Margo, just stay there.
We'll be there in a sec.
Just stay there.
So, have I changed your mind on this whole rebound date thing? Yeah, maybe.
OK.
Well, maybe if you're not doing anything later There are some spooky savings to be had on all back-to-school shoes.
Maybe you want to go watch a movie.
Oh, the vampire one? No.
Anything but that one.
Don't be shy, don't walk by.
We've got some great savings Hey, we're trying to have a conversation here! Not all of us want 20% discount on school shoes! It's actually 50%, shoppers.
50%.
Your real name is Fiona! It's all a bit too soon, isn't it? OK, we've got a crying child causing a bit of a stir up here.
If her parents could do something about it, quickly.
You know, you're killing the buzz.
You sure you're OK to do this? I did the Kokoda.
I'm pretty sure I can do Bungles Play Gym.
I was in a pretty bad car accident about five years ago, and Royce was in a wakeboard accident and we just Look, Camilla, I don't know if you've ever seen a 109 kilo man who's afraid of heights go through a kid's play tunnel, but this is not going to be pretty.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
We have a great sale on today.
I don't think it's worth keeping this one alive.
But we have a brand new model, the TX40.
I'm sorry sir, but can I ask you a question? Son? Do you like this vacuum cleaner? Oh, yeah, we've never had a problem with it.
Then why give up on it? There's nothing wrong with this one.
OK, sure, it might take a little bit of time and work to get it back on track, and yes, the TX40 is shinier and it has all the bells and whistles.
But what you've already got, what's right in front of you, isn't it worth hanging onto? Sir, sir, sir, the TX40 is better.
Dad, the TX40's a slut.
Kids, eh? I blame the Twitter.
Oh, hello, little kids.
Looks like we've got a real-life rescue here at Bungles Play Gym.
It's a bit of a tight squeeze up there.
As you'll know, it's not at all easy to drive a truck through that thing.
But you've gotta try, and I think someone might be regretting the upsizing of the nuggets over the years.
Yeah, so anyway, that's it from me.
Dr Biz EB has another gig to get to.
What can I say, when you're hot, you're hot.
Anyway, to all the honeys out there, I've been Dr Biz EB.
Hey.
Hey, Margo.
Hey.
OK, are you alright? Yeah.
I'm here.
I can get you down, OK? Good girl.
OK.
Ready to go down? OK, that makes one of us.
Don't be frightened, shoppers.
More shopping savings are right here.
What do you want? I think I stuffed up.
Does he belong to you? God, no.
Hey, kids, this is Dr Slee-Z.
Coming up next on stage, all the way from Auckland, it's Crystal.
A reminder to our VIP Platinum Members, 10% off the buffet for the next half hour.
It's over, Royce.
I don't even like you very much.
Hey, time and place, babes.
I don't think Mercedes needs to hear this.
And Comic Sans font does not have cut through.
Coming up next on stage, we have Porsche, Mercedes, and all the way from Tokyo, Daihatsu.
Yeah, it's a three-way freeway.
Hi, Manda.
Hey, hey, hey Winston.
So you and Brett, back together, eh? He's a good man.
Bright future.
No, that wasn't It's not my business.
The sea monkey just found out about his new record stores.
He's in deep shit.
You know, I had an uncle who was into emu eggs.
He's doing OK.
How are you going? You got a big worked up back there.
Look, it wasn't a rebound date.
I bought a $3 muffin from you every morning that nobody ate.
But what I was really spending money on was that two minutes with you.
Oh, like a prostitute? Yeah.
Look, you know what I mean.
I want to get to spend more than two minutes with you.
I'm gonna make a fortune here, aren't I? Hey, I'm being serious.
This is my serious voice.
You've got some flour on your face.
Oh, come on! What? A bit higher.
Where? No, a bit Let me.
There, all better.
Hey, that that vampire movie starts soon.
Do Not too soon, I hope? Oh! So I'm supposed to wait for the chick with the bangs from Supre to ask you out? I don't think so.
It's OK, darling.
I'm sure there's a reason, OK? Right to go? Hey.
Wow, that was impulsive.
I prefer endearing.
Ah, where's Royce? Um, he's out buying a Mercedes.
Are you sure you want to do this? Do you? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Ha! Stop it, idiot! Seriously, where's this kid's parents? Braden! I told you to stay behind the mixing desk.
So I hear this movie is supposed to be quite good.
Where'd you hear that from? Oh, just around.
That is Gin.
Loves her G&Ts.
That's why we call her Gin.
And her name's Virginia.
Stop the pity party and turn up the heat.
How awesome is this? We're ordering off sneakers.
You can see why Dannii Minogue tweeted about it.
Have you had a chance to look at the menu? Everything's full of carbs, calories, sugar, fats.
I'm going to order the nuggets.
Action.
I'm Ben Watson and I'm going to bend a fork.
I'm gonna dack ya! What? I'm gonna dack ya! It's not going to bend.