Jeeves and Wooster s01e05 Episode Script

I know you're in there, Bertie.
I can hear you whistling.
Who is that? - Who's that? - It's Jeeves.
Oh, it's Cyril Fotheringay Phipps.
- Barmy? - Steady on, Jeeves.
Come on in, quick.
Come on.
Come on.
Most extraordinary thing.
I was talking to your man Jeeves a second ago.
- No, no, it was me.
- He said he was Jeeves.
It was me.
I was pretending to be Jeeves.
Oh, I see.
Jolly good.
Why? I don't want my Aunt Dahlia to know I'm here.
Had a set-to at her place.
- No, don't answer it.
- I wasn't going to.
She'll be regretting it now.
She'll beg me to come back and sort things out.
No, answer it.
Pretend to be Jeeves.
- How? - Erm Just sort of say you're Jeeves.
Right.
Mr Wooster's residence.
Where is Mr Wooster? He's not at home, sir.
I'm Jeeves.
What do you mean you think not? Oh.
- Well, who was it? - Jeeves.
- Oh.
Where was he? - Just round the corner.
Ah, sent as an emissary, no doubt.
I'm sorry, but one can only do so much.
- What's an emissary? - It's something that's sent.
- What are you doing here anyway? - Nothing.
Just came over for a smoke.
- Hope you don't mind.
- No.
Smoke away, Barmy.
Smoke away.
Oh! Phew.
When you said you'd come for a smoke I can't smoke at the Drones at the moment.
It's Oofy Prosser, you see.
We've got a bet on how long we can go without smoking.
My doctor says it's better for me anyway.
Good morning, Mr Fotheringay Phipps.
- Morning, Jeeves.
- Mr Wooster.
Morning, Jeeves.
I'm just making some tea.
Really, sir? Perhaps I could No, I may as well do it now.
I've got quite used to looking after myself.
It's surprising how much one can assimilate in a day.
Mmm.
Now, Jeeves, it says here it's best to use soft water, but after boiling, it may again become hard.
That's ice, isn't it? And it says here, that's right, "One teaspoon per person and one for the pot.
" Why does the pot get one? If you'd allow me, sir.
- Cup of tea, Barmy? - Love one.
- All right, Jeeves, get on with it.
- Sir? It is obvious to the meanest intelligence, Jeeves, that you have been dispatched here by my Aunt Dahlia to plead with me to come back to Brinkley.
Same old emotional quagmire down there, I suppose.
Tuppy grinding his teeth, Angela aloof, Uncle Tom off his feed, Madeline off her head and Fink-Nottle trembling at the thought of the prize giving.
I'm sorry, but Mrs Travers will have to sort this thing out herself.
Very good, sir.
I was, in fact, sent to persuade Monsieur Anatole to return, sir.
- Anatole the cook, Jeeves? - Yes, sir.
Not to persuade me back to restore peace and harmony to the inhabitants? Mrs Travers made no mention of it, sir.
Well, of all the nerve, Jeeves.
- This is what they call gratitude, is it? - I really couldn't say, sir.
I don't think I'm going too far, when I say this just about takes the giddy biscuit.
Very good, sir.
I shall return to Brinkley and give the whole bunch of them a good talking to, starting with that idiot Tuppy.
If you want a Turkish, they're in the silver box.
Oh, righto, Bertie.
- Toodle-pip.
- Cheerio.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- You're not going out, are you? - I am, Oofy.
How can I help you? Well, I wanted to have a smoke.
Say no more, Oofy.
My house is your house.
I've got this bet on with Barmy.
There's no need to explain.
If you want a Turkish, they're in the silver box.
Ah! - Am I not somebody, Mr Jeeves? - Undoubtedly, Monsieur Anatole.
Then why are they making against me like bad peoples? Delicious veloute aux fleurs de courgette.
Monsieur Anatole himself taught me to make it, when he first stayed at our little hotel.
Ah, but Madam has got the good of me many times over.
A little more perhaps for Mr Jeeves.
We have a duty to look after our ladies and gentlemen, Monsieur Anatole.
Look after? Am I the nursie? Am I the the nursie for the kiddies? No, this is not kiddies.
No, no, no, no, no.
Kiddies is nice.
Kiddies is not stopping with eats.
Kiddies is not saying to us chap, "Puff, we not like you no more.
"We not eat your combustibles.
" Since time immemorial, Monsieur Anatole, it has fallen to the Gallic races to bring civilisation to the rude northerly provinces of their empire.
Mmm.
Is true.
Anatole is civilian.
Anatole is nice.
It hasn't always been easy.
Sometimes it has seemed impossible, but Up to the time she went to Cannes, Angela loved me.
You'll admit that.
Oh, indisputably.
But when she came back, she was just looking for an excuse to get rid of me.
Oh, no, no, no.
What would she want to get rid of you for? Obviously during those two months, she's transferred her affections to some foul blister she's met out there.
No, no, no, no.
Well, I'll tell you one thing and you can take this as official.
If ever I find this slimy snake in the grass, I propose to take him by his beastly neck, shake him till he froths and then pull him inside out and make him swallow himself.
All right? My dear Tuppy, during those two months on the Riviera, it so happens that Angela and I were practically inseparable.
If there had been somebody nosing around, I should have spotted it in a second.
I see.
So no mixed bathing and moonlight strolls? No, no, no, no.
Well, only with me.
It was quite a joke at the hotel.
But then I've always been devoted to Angela.
- Really? - Oh, yes, yes.
When we were kids, she used to call me her little sweetheart.
Ah, you're back.
You're back.
Welcome.
Welcome, Monsieur Anatole.
We have no more stuffing with the eating, I think.
I get my bagages.
Jeeves, I can never thank you sufficiently.
Never.
You've saved my husband's digestion.
What ho, Aunt Dahlia! I didn't know that your master was back, Jeeves.
Has he no mercy? Jeeves Suppose that you were strolling through the illimitable jungle and you happened to meet a tiger cub.
The contingency is a remote one, sir.
- Never mind.
Let's us suppose it.
- Very good, sir.
Let us now suppose that you biffed that tiger cub and let us further suppose that word reached its mother that you'd done so.
Now, what would you expect the attitude of that mother to be? In the circumstances, I should anticipate a show of disapprobation, sir.
Yes, very good, Jeeves.
Very well put.
Now let us suppose that recently there'd been some little coolness between the tiger cub and the tigress.
I don't know, for a day or two, perhaps, they'd not been on speaking terms.
Now, would this make any difference to the vim with which the latter leaps to the former's aid? - No, sir.
- Well, here, then, in brief, is my plan.
I will draw my cousin Angela to one side to a secluded spot and I shall roast Tuppy properly.
Roast, sir? Erm Disparage, knock, decry, denounce.
I shall be very terse about Tuppy, giving it, as my opinion, that in all the essentials, he is more akin to a warthog, than an ex-member of a fine old school.
- And what will ensue? - What, indeed, sir? Er, no, Jeeves.
That was one of those erm whatsit questions.
- Rhetorical, sir? - Right, yes.
Now, hearing him attacked, my cousin Angela's heart will become as sick as mud, the maternal tigress in her will awaken.
No matter what differences they've had, she will remember that he is the man she loves and leap to his defence.
From there to falling into his arms is but a step.
So how do you react to that, Jeeves? The idea is an ingenious one, sir.
Well, we Woosters are ingenious, noted for it.
If one things gives us the pip, it's two loving hearts being estranged.
I can readily appreciate it, sir.
I'm not speaking about knowledge of the form book.
I've tested this theory.
- Indeed, sir? - Mmm.
Oh, yes.
And it works.
I was standing on Eden Rock in Antibes last month and a girl I know slightly pointed to this fellow diving into the water and asked me if I didn't think that his legs were about the silliest looking pair of props ever issued to a human being.
Well, I agreed that indeed they were and for, perhaps, a couple of minutes, I was extraordinarily witty and satirical about this bird's underpinnings.
And guess what happened next? I am agog to learn, sir.
A cyclone is what happened next, Jeeves, emanating from this girl.
She started on my own legs, saying that they weren't much to write home about and then she moved on to dissect my manners, morals, intellect, general physique and method of eating asparagus.
By the time she'd finished, the best that could be said about poor old Bertram was that so far as was known, he hadn't actually burnt down an orphanage.
A most illuminating story, sir.
No, no, no, Jeeves, Jeeves.
You haven't had the pay-off yet.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The structure of your tale deceived me for a moment into thinking that it was over.
No, no, the point is that she was actually engaged to this fellow with the legs.
They'd had a disagreement the night before, but there they were, the following night, their differences made up and the love light once more in their eyes.
I expect much the same results with my cousin Angela.
I look forward to it with lively anticipation, sir.
- Care for a saunter, Angela, old girl? - Love to, Bertie, darling.
Goodo.
Shh.
Tom's listening to the news.
I have much to say that's not for the public ear.
Bertie, darling, this grass is awfully wet.
It'll ruin my shoes.
- Put your feet on my lap.
- All right.
- You can tickle my ankles.
- Right.
Now, Angela, what about you and Tuppy? Is it true the wedding bells are not going to ring out? - Yes.
- Definitely over, eh? Definitely.
Well, if you want my opinion, it's a bit of goose for you.
It's a mystery how you stood him for so long.
Is that an animal in the bush over there, Bertie? - It sort of rustled.
- It's probably a weasel.
Taken all in all, this Glossop ranks very low down among the wines and spirits.
- Frightful oik.
- I always thought you were friends.
What, friends No, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
No.
One was civil, of course, but in addition to looking like a thing that comes out of hollow trees, he's universally acknowledged to be a dumb brick of the first water.
No soul, no conversation, nothing.
- Yes.
Yes, you're quite right.
- Eh? It's so nice to talk to someone who takes a sensible view about this Glossop.
- Well, I - He's conceited and opinionated.
He drinks too much, eats too much and I don't much like the colour of his hair.
I'm going in.
- Er - Goodbye, Bertie.
So! - Ah, Tuppy, old chap.
- So! - Been here long? - Long enough.
I'm going to kick your spine up through the top of your head.
Ah, yes, erm I think I know what's on your mind, Tuppy.
If you were in those bushes, during the conversation with the recent Angela - I was.
- You were.
You were.
Right, good.
We won't go into the ethics of it.
Eavesdropping people call it.
- A bit un-English, you must admit.
- I'm Scots.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- I'm going to get you.
- Now, look, Tuppy, it was a plan.
- What are you talking about? Well if it wasn't a plan, why did I knock you to Angela? - Because you're in love with her.
- I rest my case.
- What? No! - Someone stole her from me in Cannes.
You told me she was with you all the time and hardly spoke to anybody else.
Now, Tuppy, look here, you've got this all wrong and I can prove it.
During that sojourn in Cannes, my affections were engaged elsewhere.
- What? - My affections engaged elsewhere.
Well, who was she? My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman's name? If one doesn't want one's head pulled off.
Yes, right.
Well, obviously this is a special case.
Madeline Bassett.
You're in love with that weird gawd-help-us Bassett.
Well, I don't think you should call her a weird gawd-help-us, Tuppy.
Odd in some of her views perhaps.
One does not see eye-to-eye with her on the matter of stars and bunny rabbits, but not a weird gawd-help-us.
And you stick to it that you're in love with her? It is not 24 hours since she turned me down.
- Turned you down? - Like a bedspread.
In this very garden.
So you see I can't be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you in Cannes.
Cos your affections were engaged elsewhere? During that sojourn.
Oh, I see.
All right, then.
Sorry to have troubled you.
It wasn't just you.
What about the things Angela said? Oh, well, she obviously spotted you in those bushes and was just talking to score off you.
She adores you, Tuppy.
She worships the ground you tread on Bertie, if you should see Mr Glossop, perhaps you would give him these.
It's nearly six o'clock and he hasn't eaten a morsel since tea.
Oh, I know.
I'll put them down here.
They'll be easier for him to reach.
It's like leaving food out for a little animal.
Er Angela! How still and peaceful everything is.
Jeeves, I have decided that Tuppy and Miss Angela will have to disentangle their own affairs.
Today is the day for finally clearing up the whole Gussie-Miss Bassett imbroglio.
Indeed, sir.
Where we've been falling down is in not keeping it to the forefront of our minds that in Gussie Fink-Nottle, we are dealing with a poop.
A sensitive plant might perhaps be a kinder description, sir.
A poop, Jeeves.
And a poop who drinks nothing stronger than orange juice.
- I was not aware of that, sir.
- Oh, yes.
I've had it from his own lips.
Whether from some hereditary taint, or he promised his mother he wouldn't, Gussie Fink-Nottle's never pushed so much as a gin and tonic over the larynx.
And he expects, this poop expects, Jeeves, under these conditions, to propose marriage to the girl he loves.
I mean one hardly knows whether to smile or weep, what? You consider total abstinence to be a handicap in a gentleman wishing to make a proposal of marriage? Dash it, Jeeves.
Use your intelligence.
Were it not for the grape and the grain, weddings would be a thing of the past.
Proposals but a dim memory.
Without it, Jeeves, we'd babble.
Thank you, Jeeves.
Only active measures promptly applied can prevent this poor poop Fink-Nottle from babbling about newts again.
Which is why I intend to secure a bottle of gin and lace his luncheon orange juice with it.
Sir? I can't imagine why you "sir" Jeeves? The plan I've put forward seems to me to be icily logical.
I fail to see why it should attract any "sirring".
No, sir? Let us hear your objections, then, Jeeves.
A certain amount of risk is inherent in your stratagem, sir.
It is not always a simple matter to gauge the effect of alcohol on a subject previously unexposed to such stimulants.
It can have distressing results in the case of parrots.
- Parrots? - I'm thinking of an incident when I was in the service of the late Lord Brancaster, who owned a parrot.
One day it happened that the bird was lethargic, sir, and His Lordship offered it a portion of seedcake steeped in the '84 port.
Oh, good egg.
The bird bit His Lordship on his thumb and sang part of a sea shanty.
It then fell to the bottom of its cage and remained there for some considerable period of time with its legs in the air, unable to move.
- I merely mention this, sir.
- There's a flaw here, Jeeves.
- Do you know what it is? - No, sir.
- Gussie isn't a parrot.
- True, sir, but No more discussion, Jeeves.
He's a poop.
Very good, sir.
You noticed I said I was going to put this project through today, Jeeves? Why do you think I said today? You feel that if it 'twere done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly, sir? Partly, Jeeves, yes, partly.
But the chief reason is that today is the day of the prize giving at Market Snodsbury Grammar School.
We shall, by lacing the juice, embolden him to propose to Miss Bassett, and also put him so into shape that he will hold that audience spellbound.
I see, sir.
Ah, Jeeves.
Thank you.
Seems to be happy enough.
Indeed, sir.
The engagement appears to have lifted his spirits considerably.
Engagement? You're not aware that Mr Fink-Nottle proposed to Miss Bassett this afternoon and was accepted, sir? Well, well, well, Jeeves.
You see how right I was.
Indeed, sir.
This must be an eye-opener for you, watch me handling this case.
Luckily, sir, I found an opportunity to add half a bottle of spirits to his luncheon orange juice.
Oh, Jeeves.
So did I, Jeeves.
Now, this year, we are all delighted to welcome, as our guest for the afternoon, Mr Fitz Wottle.
Fink-Nottle! I should say Fink-Nottle.
Well, of course you should, you silly ass.
All right, get on with it.
We are all happy, as I say, to welcome Mr Fink-Nottle, who has kindly consented to present the prizes.
Now, I'm sure Mr Fink-Nottle's name is familiar to us all.
Not to you! You didn't seem to know it.
Righto, push off.
Speech.
Speech? Boys I mean, ladies and gentlemen and boys.
It's a beautiful world, boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, Lords and things.
I mean, the sky is blue.
The birds are singing.
There's optimism everywhere.
And why not, girls and ladies? I should like you all to be upstanding and give three cheers for this beautiful world.
- Up you get.
Hip, hip! - Hurray! - Hip, hip! - Hurray! - Hip, hip! - Hurray! All right, sit down, sit down.
Now, anybody who says this isn't a beautiful world doesn't know what they're talking about.
You see, if there's one thing in the world I can't stand, it's a pessimist.
You see, a pessimist is a man who Why, hello, Bertie.
I didn't know you were here.
Now, there's an instance of what I mean.
Erm, ladies and whatsits, take a good look at that object sitting there at the back, morning coat, trousers as worn, rose in buttonhole, you can't miss him.
I despise that man, women and children.
And shall I tell you why? Yes? Because he's a I think, Mr Fink-Nottle, as time is getting on, we ought to commence the prizes.
Oh, it's you.
The prizes, yes, righto.
We might as well be shoving along with it.
- What's this one? - Spelling and dictation, PK Purvis.
Spelling and dictation, PK Purvis.
Forward, PK Purvis.
- Are you PK Purvis? - Yes, sir.
- It's a beautiful world, PK Purvis.
- Yes, sir.
Ah, you've noticed it, have you? Good.
- Are you married by any chance? - No, sir.
Get married, PK Purvis.
It's the only life.
- Yes, sir.
- Good boy.
Right, Headmaster, what's the next one? GG Simmons, scripture knowledge.
GG Simmons, scripture knowledge.
So you've won the scripture knowledge prize, have you, GG Simmons? - Sir, yes, sir.
- Yes.
You look just the sort of little tick who would.
How are we to know that you came by it in an open and above-board manner? I can assure you, Mr Fink-Nottle, every care was taken to ensure a correct marking.
If you say so.
All right, GG Simmons, take your prize.
- Sir, thank you, sir.
- But let me tell you, there's nothing to go on about in winning a prize for scripture knowledge.
Bertie Wooster won a scripture knowledge prize.
But, of course, Bertie frankly cheated.
He succeeded in scrounging that scripture knowledge prize over the heads of better men, by means of some of the rawest and most brazen swindling methods, even at a school where such things were the norm.
Madeline? Madeline, wh Madeline! Madeline! You'll not be surprised to learn, Jeeves, that Madeline and Gussie are no longer engaged after the fiasco of the prize giving.
- Was there much more after I left? - No, sir.
Mr Fink-Nottle's inflamed cerebral condition brought about an early closure.
He returned to the theme of Master GG Simmons and his scripture knowledge prize, hinting of systematic cheating on an impressive scale.
He even went so far as to suggest that Master Simmons is known to the police.
- Oh, golly.
- Yes, sir.
- Not our finest hour, Jeeves.
- No, sir.
- Door, Jeeves.
- Yes, sir.
That may be Mr Fink-Nottle now.
Oh, it's not you.
Hello, Tuppy.
Mr Glossop.
If you'll excuse me, sir.
You remember what I swore I'd do to the chap who stole Angela from me? Well, as nearly as I can recall, you were going to pull him inside out And make him swallow himself.
Correct.
Well, the programme holds good for the newt bloke.
The newt bloke? Gussie? The serpent Fink-Nottle.
But Gussie loves Madeline Bassett.
You can't all love this blasted Bassett.
It astonishes me how anybody could love her.
No, Fink-Nottle loves Angela and she loves him.
Oh, that is absurd.
Absurd, is it? Well, then, perhaps you'll explain to me how she happens to be engaged to him.
Engaged? Tuppy, you could knock me down with an f.
There must be some mistake.
There is.
The snake Fink-Nottle's just made it.
Ah, there you are.
Where are all the staff tonight? They've gone over to the staff dance at Kingham Manor.
So it appears that you've gone and got engaged to the Gussie.
Quite right.
We're in love.
Oh, come, now, Angela.
Gussie Gussie's a splendid chap in many ways.
If you've got a sick newt on your hands, Gussie'll know what to do till the doctor comes.
Honestly, old thing, you could fling bricks by the half hour at England's most densely populated districts without hitting a girl willing to become Mrs Fink-Nottle without a general anaesthetic.
- Well, I thought it would be fun.
- I'm surprised at you, young Angela.
No wonder they say, "Oh, woman, woman!" - Who do? - Well, chaps, mostly.
You know you're potty about Tuppy.
For goodness sake, Bertie, go away and boil your head.
Now, Angela, if you'll permit me to observe No.
Very well, then.
I shall say no more.
Just tinkety tonk.
Jeeves, du yuu knuw what's haPPened? Mr Fink-Nottle has got himself engaged to my cousin Angela.
Gentlemen who are discounted by one young lady are apt to attach themselves without delay to another, sir.
It is what is known as a gesture.
My Uncle George - Never mind your Uncle George.
- No, sir.
- Save him for the long winter evenings.
- Just as you say.
We'll concentrate on rescuing Gussie.
Go forth and scour the neighbourhood.
I don't think that will be necessary.
Mr Fink-Nottle is here.
Mr Fink-Nottle, sir.
Gussie? - Is that door locked? - Yes, sir.
Let me in, blast you! - Open this door! - Jeeves, it's him! What's going on? Jeeves! Jeeves! Are you in there? What do you think you're doing? Listen, if you don't open up, I'm going to jolly well break this door down! Wooster! Wooster! Right! Why was that door locked? Is one to have no privacy, Glossop? I instructed Jeeves to shut the door because I was about to disrobe.
- There, you see? - Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, Jeeves.
- But I heard his snaky little voice.
I intend to search this room from end to end.
If he is here, you'd better say goodbye to him quickly and order your lilies.
What's in this cupboard? Just clothes.
The usual wardrobe of an English gentleman.
You're lying.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha Jeeves, this is all getting a bit thick.
Yes, sir.
Ah, hello, Aunt Dahlia.
Bertie, get me a drink.
Anything, so long as it's strong.
Approach Bertram along those lines and you catch him at his best.
- Attila.
That's the name.
Attila the Hun.
- Eh? I've been trying to think all through dinner what it was you reminded me of.
Now, look, after everything I've done Angela tells me she's going to get engaged to this Spink-Bottle.
Well, temporarily, yes.
So there it is.
My only daughter, for whom I had dreamed of a wonderful golden future is going to marry an inebriated newt fancier.
Well, in my heart, I can't but agree that things are not too ooga at the moment.
- Yes, Jeeves.
- A note for you, sir.
- From whom, Jeeves? - From Miss Bassett, sir.
What does Madeline Bassett want to write to me for? Open the damned thing and see.
Ah! - Ah! - Will you stop that? You don't understand.
Madeline Bassett says she's going to marry me.
Well, I hope it keeps fine for both of you.
I hope you won't take it amiss, sir, but I've been giving some attention to the amourtary entanglements at Brinkley.
It seems to me that drastic measures may be called for.
Oh, drastic away, Jeeves.
The prospect of being united for life with a woman who talks about "little baby bunnies" fills me with an unnamed dread.
Supposing, sir, that in the middle of the night, the fire alarm bell were to ring.
Oh, not the fire alarm thing again, Jeeves.
Yes, sir.
As I see it, sir, the occupants of the house would suppose that a conflagration had broken out.
Possibly, Jeeves.
Possibly.
Whereupon, if I'm not mistaken, Mr Glossop would hasten to save Miss Angela, while Mr Fink-Nottle would perform the same office for Miss Bassett.
This is based on psychology, is it, Jeeves? Yes, sir.
It is thought to be the instinct of everyone upon the alarm of fire to save the object dearest to them.
There's a danger of seeing Tuppy coming out with a steak-and-kidney pie, but resume, Jeeves, resume.
Well, sir, the relations between the two couples could scarcely continue distant after such an occurrence.
Mmm.
Well, you may be right.
I just feel there's a great possibility for a slip-up here, Jeeves.
However, I'm not in a position to cavil at even a 100-1 shot.
At what hour would you suggest bonging the bell? - Not before midnight, sir.
- Shall I bong, or will you? I think it would be better coming from you, sir.
- No need to panic.
- I'm not, Father.
I knew I could smell smoke.
- Well, Jeeves? - Sir? It's no good saying "sir".
Look around you.
See for yourself.
Your scheme has proved a bust.
It would appear that matters have not arranged themselves as we anticipated.
We, Jeeves? As I had anticipated, sir.
I'm not blaming you, Jeeves, but after this, forgive me if I hurt your feelings Certainly, sir.
If you'd pardon me for interrupting you, I fancy Mrs Travers is endeavouring to attract your attention.
Just step this way a moment, Attila, dear.
If you don't mind.
What ho, Auntie.
Well, Bertie, dear, here we all are.
Well, quite.
It was you, dear child, who rang the fire bell, was it not? Erm I did sort of ring it, yes.
Any particular reason? I mean, did you want something, or was it just a whim? I thought there was a fire.
What gave you that impression, darling? Tell Aunty Dahlia.
Well, I thought I saw flames.
Erm The front door's shut.
Somebody must have shut it behind them and it's locked.
Then try another door.
- They're all locked.
- We could ring the door bell.
Who would you expect to answer it, dear? The servants have all gone to the dance at Kingham and Mr Seppings no doubt took the key of the back door with him.
We can't stop out here all blasted night, blast it.
If Seppings has taken the back door key, why doesn't one of us take one of the cars, drive over to Kingham and get it from him? That's the first sensible suggestion I've heard all day.
It's locked! That's locked, too.
Well, that's absolutely wonderful! They're all locked.
- Did you cough, Jeeves? - Yes, madam.
Is it influenza or have you got an idea? Well, forgive me, madam, but it did occur to me that perhaps one of the gentlemen might be disposed to bicycle to Kingham Manor and procure the back door key from Mr Seppings.
- Jeeves, you are wonderful.
- Thank you, madam.
Attila! I haven't ridden for years.
You'll soon get the knack once you've taken a toss or two.
But it's miles to Kingham.
- Nine miles.
- And nine miles back.
And nine miles back.
But it's dark.
What if I barge into something? I'll come a frightful cropper.
Good.
Very well, Aunt, so be it.
Yes.
Oh, yes, I need to see Mr Seppings.
They're all up at the dance.
Er, yes, it is quite urgent, actually.
I can try and telephone him with the telephone.
Er, yes, if you would.
Why, Mr Wooster, sir.
Er, Seppings, I need the key of the back door.
- Oh I left it with Mr Jeeves.
- Jeeves? He said he wanted a walk in the garden before retiring for the night.
He was going to leave it on the kitchen windowsill for me.
Mr Wooster! Oh, look, he's back.
What on earth is going on, Jeeves? The house seemed positively awash with joy and laughter.
- It's gratifying, isn't it, sir? - Oh, come, now, Jeeves.
I fear I've not been entirely frank with you, regarding the fire bell, sir.
I never anticipated that it would of itself produce the desired results.
I'd intended it merely as a preliminary to what I might call the main business of the evening.
You jibber, Jeeves.
Explain yourself.
It occurred to me that were you, sir, to be established as the person responsible for the ladies and gentlemen being forced to spend the night in the garden, everybody would take so strong a dislike to you that in this common antipathy, they would sooner or later come together and such proved to be the case.
After your departure on the bicycle, the various estranged parties agreed so heartily in their abuse of you that the ice was broken.
And when I informed the ladies and gentlemen that I had found the key, and it was borne in on them that you were having that long ride for nothing, there was a notable lessening of tension.
Oh, there was, was there? Of course, rain was a bonus.
Of course.
As soon as the storm began, their animosity vanished completely.
Mr Glossop and Miss Angela are once more betrothed, sir.
Oh? And what about Miss Bassett? Do I still have to marry her? No, sir.
Miss Bassett is once more safely affianced to Mr Fink-Nottle.
- Phew! Well, praise be, Jeeves.
- Indeed, sir.
Although, forgive me for saying so, your methods are a little on the rough side.
Well, sir, one cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs.
I say, an omelette.
Erm - Do you think you could get me one? - Certainly, sir.
Perhaps with a little half bot of something.
Undoubtedly, sir.
Right ho, Jeeves.