Karl Pilkington: The Moaning Of Life (2013) s01e05 Episode Script
Death
1 NARRATOR: For centuries, life's big questions have challenged some of the world's greatest minds.
The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment.
The yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race.
The search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness and the inevitable end, death.
But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these issues.
This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.
NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
(BURPS) He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal with life's big questions.
KARL: We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age.
This is the Pissing About Age.
NARRATOR: And to see if the issues are such a big deal, anyway.
In this episode, Karl finds out how to deal with death.
I don't know what to do! (WAILING) NARRATOR: What's the best final resting place? Oh, shit.
If I Lived there, I wouldn't be doing this with me granddad.
I'd ?y tip it.
All me family'd be left round here.
NARRATOR: And comes face to face with death.
I should record something for the start of the programme saying, "What you're about to see is mental, "so if you can't handle weird shit, watch summat else.
" KARL: I can't move her that way and I can't move her that way.
Watch her head.
Watch her head.
NARRATOR: This is The Moaning of Life.
KARL: It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? Death.
It annoys me the amount of land that's being taken up by the dead.
You know, burials and all that.
When you think that, there's not that much land, is there, for people to live on.
You know, houses are getting smaller 'cause there's not enough land.
Population's growing.
There's just not enough space for everyone.
And yet you've got, like, big fields taken up by dead bodies.
They always get the nicest places as well, dead bodies.
When you think of graveyards it's always like a nice, little, quiet area, innit? And yet people who are living, you're in, like, a shitty area where it's all noisy and horrible and grey and what have you.
I say put the dead bodies in the shitty areas.
You could put them in the motorways and stuff.
'Cause they're always diggin' the road up anyway, aren't they? There's loads of holes.
Orin, sort of, the middle of a roundabout, maybe.
That's a little bit of land that doesn't get used.
They're not gonna build a house on that.
So stick dead bodies under that.
Prawn.
Chocolate éclair.
Hair dryer.
Have you ever seen a showroom like it? Well, how do you stick a body in there? Look at that.
Unless something happened to you and, you know, you were in bits.
Stick the head there.
Couple of hands.
Feet.
There's something about this that you just go "yeah, it's fine, yeah, good.
" You can imagine having a laugh.
I don't think people would be stood around crying and moping.
Imagine, if you're there and the vicar's going on about your gran.
Saying that, you know, she liked going to church on a Sunday.
She made lovely cakes.
And then they brought her down in a crab.
Everyone would laugh.
You'd have a good memory of it.
It's sort of a celebration of your life.
"Oh, what was she like?" "1 didn't know she liked crabs.
â Gets people talking.
"Why's she picked a crab?" Are you, uh, you looking to buy? A car? KARL: Why are you getting a car? What is that? It's a Lada.
And how would they get him in this? Was he a big man, or - He's the size of you? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that's the size.
- And they're gonna get him in a Lada? They needed a bigger I've never even thought about it.
I'm gonna die one day.
But I have no idea what KARL: So, what are you having? Yeah.
You're having a pen? - Yeah, like a Bic pen.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What, you're gonna be in a big pen? - Yeah.
Why? Yeah.
I'd have thought you'd have gone for a, uh Like, a blackboard duster.
Cause it's the shape of a coffin.
That'd be good if that lifted up, you could see his head.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, lift it up.
KARL: So, anything that I came up with, you can make? KARL: No matter what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This.
I sort of travel around.
Yeah.
But, I'm sick of aeroplanes.
I'm always on aeroplanes.
I really don't know, I don't know, urn Should it come to you, just like that? - Should this be an easy decision? - You know, -got them at garage.
-Hey.
- Ah, Twix.
- Twix, you not heard of Twix? It's one of the, sort of, little treats that I like.
I don't know if it's ever been done but, I've got a girlfriend.
CARPENTER: Yeah.
KARL: See with a Twix you get two bars.
- I've already eaten one.
- Yeah.
But, you get two bars in it, so I'm thinking, one coffin, two spaces.
- Yeah.
- So, only one cost.
Two people.
KARL: Will I leave that with you? CARPENTER: Okay.
(LAUGHING) What do you reckon to the Twix idea? RICHARD: I'm not sure.
KARL: I think the idea of being with Suzanne's quite nice.
She doesn't like talking about death.
So, in a way, I've sorted it.
So I don't worry about it.
"You're gonna be in a Twix.
" I think that's quite a nice thing to say that I want, you know, I want us to rot together.
In one box.
It's sort of more environmentally friendly.
Money-saving.
RICHARD: So, what's going on? Just going to me first funeral.
(CHUCKLES) Mad, isn't it? KARL: I don't know that much about it.
I don? know what the jobs are.
Don't know what I'm meant to be expected to do.
It's a funeral, innit? How much is there to do at a funeral? So, it's not She's not in a coffin? - All right.
- Yeah.
KARL: Hey.
KARL: Jesus, how old was she? Right, so What, what, what - I'm helping the Ice Man.
- Yes.
All right.
This is my first-ever funeral.
- I've never been to a funeral.
- ICE MAN: Oh, okay.
Okay, okay.
Well KARL: Right, okay then.
Let's, uh Let's get on with it, then.
- Make her up? - Yeah.
- All right, then what? just - Yeah.
Like that? Proper weird.
Proper, proper, proper weird.
KARL: All like that, yeah? ICE MAN: Yeah.
(SIGHING) She's gonna look like a right tranny.
You know, like Eddie Izzard, somebody like that.
Letting me on her.
'Cause I don't do make-up.
I don't use make-up so I don't know how to put it on.
It doesn't look good.
She Looked better when we hadn't even touched her.
Just left in a corner of a room, lying there.
I don't know what we've done.
I swear it feels like she's gonna jump up in a minute and say it's all a joke.
(SIGHING) I mean, lookin' at her on the poster.
It's not like it's the same woman, is it? It's really weird.
The poster's sort of as dead as she is, isn't it? It's not moving or anything, but there's life.
There's life there, isn't there? Even though it's a photo.
Not for me, this.
KARL: Jesus, she's heavy, isn't she? I'm pushing.
- More? - More.
Right, that's far as her legs are gonna go.
More, more.
- No, it's not gonna go any more.
- More.
- More.
- It's not gonna go any more.
ICE MAN: It's ok.
KARL: That's it.
You know, you're not allowed to use that, are you? There's no way.
It was mental, that.
Playing Twister with a dead 70-year-old woman.
When I pick her up, her feet are sliding.
So how do we stop that? RICHARD: They're just loosening her up, so that they can move her limbs around when they position her.
But we just want to stand her up.
What do you mean, "loosening her up"? She's not gonna be doing fucking star jumps.
She's been dead a month.
If anything, if she's stood there, surely stiffness is the best thing you can hope for, innit? You want her legs to be stiff when she stands up.
Okay, there she goes.
Come on.
ALL: One, two, three.
KARL: Watch her head.
Watch her head.
Down, down, down, down.
Okay, okay.
(GRUNTING) KARL: Keep hold, keep hold of her.
And when he's saying, "Pick her up," I'm going, "Well, hang on.
just let me take this in.
" I've never been to anything like this before.
And he's going, "Pick her up.
" It was like shifting a mattress.
Do you know what I mean? When you sort of go, "This should be easy, it's just a person.
" This is just a mattress.
Should be able to move it from one room another.
Have you ever shifted a mattress? - RICHARD: Yeah.
- It's awkward, innit? It goes every way you don't want it to go and that's what it was like.
KARL: Keep going.
ALL: One, two, three KARL: I can't move her that way.
I can't move her that way.
Oh,Jesus.
KARL: That just looks shit, doesn't it? It looks shit.
Apparently, they've knocked the idea of standing her up.
Because it was a little bit tricky, standing her up.
So they've sat her in a chair.
I think they redid the face, and urn They've sat her in front of, like, a stall 'cause that's what she did when she was alive.
She sold food or something, so That's the idea.
They try to make it look like she's still alive, basically.
Ah, she looks a lot better.
Well done? No, no, it's good.
I can imagine her now.
What she would have been like when she was alive.
It's really real.
It's not like a dead woman any more.
It's really real.
It's not as spooky.
I could sleep in here tonight.
I wouldn't have a problem with it.
RICHARD: Would you have Suzanne on display? Well, she really is like that most of the time, these days now.
Now she's made redundant at her job.
That is her.
There's not much difference.
"Make us a coffee.
" "You do it.
â I could swap.
Bring Suzanne here, sit her there.
Send Comfort home.
Honestly, there wouldn't be any difference.
Today's the big day.
KARL: It's the day they, you know, they bury Comfort.
just like the start of a car boot sale, or something.
Some people have got there early, Getting the best spot.
A bit of milling about.
Quite calm at the moment.
They got a wig on her now, haven't they? Wigs never look good.
If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human, sort of, civilisation, we've never been able to make a good wig.
I wouldn't want a wig on me.
I should make a will out, really, and make sure nobody goes, "Well, he's bald, isn't he? Let's get a wig on him.
" (BANGING METAL) RICHARD: So, what's going on? Basically, I got the job of joining the jammer group.
This group of blokes, go along the street, make a load of noise.
People stick their head out.
And they see there's like a funeral going on, so they come out.
The more people on the streets, the better the celebration for the dead person.
(SINGING) It's mental, innit? In fact, I forgot it's a funeral.
The way they're dancing about.
Getting involved.
When you saw the coffin.
You see that? The coffin being chucked in the air, I've never seen that.
That's something to talk about.
"How was the funeral?" "It was pretty good.
They got the coffin 6 foot high in the air.
" You what? Those blokes carrying it on their hands and knees.
I mean, that is mad, innit? Comfort's in there.
Her wig will be all over the shop.
For me, it makes the event something worth turning up for.
Oh, a bit edgy, this.
Are they gonna drop it? Doesn't matter it they do, she's dead.
But it's still got that edge to it.
Whereas at home it's just, "How was if?" "Yeah, it was Oh, it was a great send off Had a lovely spread.
"Had some lovely ham and cheese, pickle sandwiches.
" That's it.
That's as good as it can get.
ALL: Amen! If I had a funeral, that's what! 'd want.
I don't want people moping about.
You're gonna remember that, aren't you? Honestly, for me first funeral, I've, uh I've enjoyed today.
RICHARD: You think you gave a very good send off? Yeah, I'd be happy with that.
Apart from the wig.
KARL: Crying isn't something I need in me life.
Suzanne's always saying, "Oh, you're hard, you.
" Cold heart.
"Have you got a heart?" You know what I mean? She's always like, "What is wrong with you?" I don't cry.
Water doesn't leave me head.
I've got loads of gobs.
That's how water leaves me.
It's not out of me eyes.
It's saliva.
Especially at night when I'm asleep.
I sometimes wake up with a really, sort of, wet head.
Because I've been sort of slathering on the pillow, I've been rolling about on it.
So, I'm gonna meet this woman called Liu, who's a professional mourner.
She's gonna teach me how to cry.
How to get upset.
How to show feeling and emotion.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) TRANSLATOR.
So, this is what you wear when we need to crawl on the ground, which is part of this job.
We start from the basic, that is, the sobbing.
Sob while you taik.
Sob whilst you talk.
(SOBBING) Translator: This sentence means "I'm your daughter.
"And I can't bear the idea that you're already gone.
" Can you do it again? (SOBBING) I don't know what to do! (WAILING) This feels wrong.
That is so not me.
Honestly, it feels I feel daft.
I feel a bit stupid.
See, I swear.
When I get upset, I don't really cry, I swear.
TRANSLATOR: No, you can't.
In a funeral service, a [at of people are there.
Everybody's crying.
You cannot swear.
Imagining that this someone has passed away.
And we are crying so hard that we fatter.
We cannot stand steady on our feet.
(KARL PANTING) Don't look like you're drunk.
just a little bit.
Speak at the same time.
Oh, you're gone.
You're bloody gone.
You're not gonna be around any more.
KARL: See, I think, ya know, when me dad goes.
I don't think I'd be like that.
I think I'd be more accepting.
(SOBBING) And because he's not scared of death, he always sort of just goes "Oh, it doesn't matter.
" You know, me time's up.
He's counting down the days now.
You didn't tell me you were ill.
You just said you were a little bit weak.
(SOBBING) He got annoyed the other week, 'cause he was forced into buying a 10-year passport.
80 quid it was.
He was going, "Why have I got to buy a 10-year one? "I'm not gonna be around in 10 years.
" He wanted to buy a five-year one.
Half the price.
He accepts it.
He very rarely buys Long-life milk.
(SOBBING) TRANSLATOR: Okay, falter a little bit.
One step or two.
Ah! just hang on, let me sit down.
- Now fall down on your knees.
- Listen, I've gone a bit dizzy.
Come on, look, shaking.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) KARL: It's hard work.
I've really got a sweat on.
TRANSLATOR: So, now we're doing it with the music.
Music would help, really.
Gets emotions going, music.
TRANSLATOR: 50, fuse into it.
Your mood, your emotions.
Oh! Suzanne! Twenty years! And now you're gone! Twenty bloody years.
We've been through so much.
The first flat in Salford.
You didn't really want to live there.
But it's all I could give ya! And you wanted a holiday after we moved in.
I said "You're joking, aren't ya? "We're fucking skint!" (SOBBING) What, I'm just being honest.
And now I'm being honest and I'm gonna miss you.
Have I just put me hand in dog shit? - LIU: (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) - Yeah, smell that.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) I'm just going to a, uh, memorial service that Liu's sort of, uh, gonna be crying at.
It's a gig.
She does quite a few in one day.
She turns up and starts crying.
Weird, innit? I nearly keeled over back there practicing.
It takes a lot of energy.
So, for her to be doing that, you know, three or four times a day, must get a right headache.
KARL: What's this? TRANSLATOR: Sometimes, in Taiwan, people want their funeral service to be really big.
So, they would hire these to make this funeral even bigger.
Yeah, I don't quite understand how this works with the funeral.
Can you do this? (RESPONDING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE) She looks so bored, though, doesn't she? Look at her face.
She might as well be waiting at a bus stop.
RICHARD: It's a job.
She's probably been to three funerals today.
I know, but I don't see how this can be showing respect.
Got her knickers up her arse.
She's got bruises on her knees.
Got a fag burn on her back.
She just looks fed up.
I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway, though.
It's a waste of a good skill.
Get into scaffolding or something and whiz up and down poles.
Do the job a lot quicker.
No, I don't, I don't really, uh I don't really get it.
Ok.
Ok.
KARL: Are we ready? Okay.
(LAMENTING) It was a memorial service for a woman who passed away a couple of years ago and they've got together to remember her.
If that's what you want to do, it's a nice little thing.
But I don't think Liu was needed.
(LAMENT CONTINUES) KARL: You can be sad without crying.
If I tell you now I am sad, that should be enough.
You don't have to have tears.
So many tears I think that's why sea levels are rising at home.
Nowt to do with global warming and all that, it's the amount of people crying.
Tears flowing.
You just turn it on like that.
They've gone a bit mental.
I'll be honest with ya, I was looking at her and she reminded me of one of those, you know those PG Tips Pyramid Tea Bags.
Pointed at the top, works its way down.
It's like, why is she wearing that? That's the thought I had, if I'm being honest.
There was no emotion going.
I felt sorry for the family, but I looked over there and I thought, "Oh yeah, haven't had one of those tea bags for ages.
"They're quite strong.
" That's it.
I'm being honest with you.
Because I didn't know the woman.
(LAMENT CONTINUES) RICHARD: Have you thought much about how you might die, Karl? Well, what did you think about this idea of dying doing what you love doing? KARL: Forget that.
If anything, I wanna die doing what I didn't love.
That's the best way to go, innit? So you don't miss life as much.
Why do you wanna die doing what you love because you'll be dying going, "Oh, I'm gonna miss this.
" Whereas, if it's something like emptying the dishwasher, that thing of you take a pan out.
And you tip it upside down and water goes everywhere.
You get water on your feet.
And it's all of over the kitchen floor.
I hate that job.
So, that's how I'd like to die.
Just have heart attack getting out a frying pan.
Because then, as I'm dying, I'm going, "Oh, I don't have to do the rest of it.
I hated it.
â I mean look at it, it's massive, this place.
If it was just dead bodies, what a waste of space that would be, wouldn't it? Whereas people are sort of using these things.
The mausoleums.
They're allowed to live in 'em.
It's like a little village.
You've got shops, people flogging drinks, crisps, peanuts.
So if someone moves in there, they make that the bed.
I mean that is like something you'd see in Bensons for Beds, innit? It's a double bed with headboard.
I mean, it's even got like a little headrest and everything.
So, you can understand why someone came along and thought, "We can live in these.
â Fully furnished.
Got a little table there.
Table and chairs there.
You can make a barbecue out of this bit.
A little stove in there.
This one's definitely a bigger size to me first place in London.
And the mattress we got, 'cause I didn't want to spend that much on a mattress.
It was probably harder than that, to be honest.
It's nice and green, innit? When you think about some of the places people live at home.
All concretey and grey and miserable.
Nice, innit? The atmosphere is nice.
(ROOSTER (ROWING) It's got a proper kitchen.
And an upstairs.
I mean that's big, innit? I mean it's marble, that.
That would be a lot of money at home, to have something like that in your kitchen.
A marble worktop.
You can do chopping on that.
And you won't cause any damage.
Honestly, it's good.
- ALL: (CHEERING) - KARL: Yes! Oh, they keep it all tidy and everything, don't they? KARL: Morning.
WOMAN: Morning.
KARL: You live here? Yeah.
Is it okay to have a look? Yeah.
Get an idea of what it would be like.
I'll just lie Lie on the bed? - Yes.
- Thank you.
Just to have a roof over your head.
It's basic, but it does the job, doesn't it? And the thing is, at home, the place that you always forget to clean, is under your bed.
They haven't got that problem here, it's sealed off.
So, no dust and shit and everything.
RICHARD: But what about the plaque saying, "R.
I.
P.
, Rest in Peace?" Maybe it matters to you.
It doesn't to me.
Are you worried when you've got your recycling food bin, when you empty that, because it's full of chicken bones, bits of bacon, do you go, (MOANS) (MOANS) "Is it haunted? Is the food bin haunted?â It's a bit of dead chicken.
Treat it the same.
All this, "Don't disturb the dead.
" You can't disturb 'em.
Worry about people who have been disturbed who are living.
I have neighbours who were playing like the cricket theme tune.
Do you know the, urn (SINGING SOUL LIMBO BY BOOKER T AND THE MGs) They were playing that about 3:00 in the morning.
Full.
On the stereo.
What can you do? So, don't disturb the living.
Don't disturb the sleeping.
Make a racket all you want with the dead.
It's not a problem.
So, how does it work then? How do you get one of these to live in? And what jobs do people do in return for getting a home? KARL: What, take the bodies out? WOMAN: Yeah.
Urn, yeah, I'll give it a hand, yeah.
How long has the body been in? So, it won't be manky, it'll just be skeleton? Maybe.
Is this a man or a woman? It's a woman, Mary.
And there's not enough room for all the dead bodies here, so you've gotta get 'em out every five years.
Yeah, I can see like a I can see something gold.
It's like a white box with gold corners on it.
But it doesn't smell, considering there are dead bodies in there.
That's five years old.
Shit, it's gonna go, innit? It's just a rotten old coffin.
I can see some hair.
There's some hair.
Aw, shit.
Now, he's got really on it.
That's got a proper head of hair on it.
It's got more hair than me.
It's not grim, it's just like, it's got a fuckin' hair cut.
KARL: (SIGHS) Look at that.
Jesus.
Got a bra, it's still got a bra on.
(GASPS) I mean I never saw what she looked like when she was alive, yet I saw her bra.
That's weird.
I saw what sort of underwear she wore, but I know nothing else about her.
If they want them to be comfy in, like, eternity, don't leave a bra on her.
Suzanne's always moaning about wearing a bra.
So, I just go, "It's all right for you, "you don't have to wear them, they're well uncomfy.
" So, if you're leaving someone in a box forever, take their bra off.
You know how much a bra is? RICHARD: I've never bought one.
No, I haven't, but I've heard Suzanne say, "Oh, can I have some money for a bra?" And I thought they were about 6 quid.
30 odd quid for a decent bra, that's sort of fitting.
Gives a bit of lift.
They're not cheap.
And yet there's just one left in there.
Yet, people here have got nothing.
You know, they're quite poor living here.
There's a dead woman in there with an half decent bra on.
It doesn't add up.
What's that? That's a hip bone.
RICHARD: Is there much left in there? No, that's it.
It's all gone.
Just one bag like that.
just a bin.
What is it? Yeah, it's a rice bag.
It's got a whole woman in it.
It was just There she is.
There's Mary, she's been dead for five years.
Get her out.
Stuck her in a bag, buried the bag, ready for the family to come and collect it if they want it.
I got a picture from Eric today.
You know the bloke at Crazy Coffins.
You know, who's making a coffin to look like a Twix.
And so he's getting' on with it.
I don't know, I don't know if it's the right thing or not, I don't know, it was just what came into me head.
When he said, "What do you want your coffin to be?" I just fancied a Twix.
RICHARD: Where are you going? I'm just on me way to a place where they don't waste land on dead bodies.
That's been my main problem, hasn't it, with a lot of this.
With burials, it's sort of wasted land that could be used for something else.
At home, when you buy tomatoes, they're imported from Spain.
Not 'cause of cost, there isn't any land to grow anything.
There's no land.
No free land.
It's gonna get to a point when they're sort of growing shit on football fields.
Old Trafford will be bought to grow tomatoes and potatoes.
Well, the thing that I'm gonna see now, they've got a different way of getting rid of dead bodies.
They stick bodies on the side of cliffs.
So, who's the coffin 'For? Kaga.
But does he know that you've made a coffin for him? This isn't a secret? He's not like over there not knowing this is going on.
He knows.
Shit.
That always happens.
Whenever I paint, bloody fly in it.
That is a blue bottle.
Blue paint all over its arse.
Paint still not bloody dry.
It's heavy.
I know it's like a bloody wardrobe, though, this.
Quality wardrobe.
So, is this where Kaga wants to be rested when he's dead? Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, Kaga, he's gonna be remembered there, isn't he, in big, bright, blue letters.
It's good.
It's good having your name on it and everything.
I like all that.
- Feels like he's in it.
- Yeah.
- It's well heavy.
- (LAUGHS) RICHARD: Do you reckon you'll be remembered? Definitely not.
'Cause no one ever gets me name right.
So they're not gonna remember me.
And the last hotel we were in struggled again.
I'll show you that.
They got it right there.
Pilkington, they got Pilkington right, and they stuck a âg" on the end for no reason.
Pilkingtong.
It's just Like, there's no need for that.
If I'm remembered, it'll be Pilkingtong or Pilington or Pickington.
Tilkington, I've got on me council tax.
(PANTING) Now, it's tricky here.
I'm doing it slowly.
(GRUNTS) Fuckin' hell.
Hang on.
Right, I'm down.
Down, down, down.
Bloody hell.
I think I'll be going home in one of these.
Yeah.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) Do we know where we're going with it? It seems like They can't make up their mind where they're going with it.
KARL: Is that a coffin? MAN: Yeah, coffins.
KARL: Coffin in the rock.
It's not in a crack.
It's hanging on the side.
Mmm.
Why? Did you hear that? It's mainly so dogs can't get at the body.
But could you not fit a lock? Fuckin' hell.
I can hardly do it without the coffin.
No! Shit.
(SIGHS) Could they not have put it together down there? RICHARD: This is how they usually do it, Karl.
No, 'cause no one's ever suggested.
All it takes is for someone to go, "You thought about making it down there?" And they'll go, "That's a good idea.
"Why has no one ever thought of that?" It's madness.
I'll tell you there's no way.
If I lived there I wouldn't be doing this with me granddad.
No way.
I'd ?y tip it.
Honestly.
all me family would be left round here.
Tip it off the edge.
Bloody hell.
Is there bodies in them? RICHARD: Yeah.
Well, it makes sense in a way, doesn't it? I mean, it's not using up land.
That's what I've been moaning about, innit? It's just tricky, how do you get it up there? Right, you ready? Hang on.
(GRUNTS) Watch your hands.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Slow down, me fingers are stuck in there.
That's it.
Nowhere else to go here.
Yeah, go on, you're ail right.
Where are you going with it? UP again.
I'm trapped.
Fuckin' hell.
Right, where are you going? - Right.
Down, down, down.
- Down, down, down, down.
MAN: It's okay.
This is bloody barmy, this.
I normally get dizzy just hanging curtains up.
Esteval, do you know when Kaga dies, how do they get him up here? Like this? What, six fellas and a load of rope? And you said you do this, just so dogs can't get at 'em? I don't believe in any afterlife.
Do you like the idea of having a heaven? - RICHARD: Yeah.
- And going to it.
RICHARD: I find it comforting.
KARL: I just think it's a lot of pissin' about.
I mean, it's gonna be crowded up there now, 'cause the thing is, there's a lot more people doing good these days.
When you think about years ago, you had a lot of evil going on, King Herod and And all that lot.
I can't think of 'em off-hand.
Uh, you know, people cuttin' off heads and all that.
There was a lot of evil people.
Whereas now, everyone's doing good.
So, it's gonna be checker up there.
When you think about the amount of people who get involved in Comic Relief, all them lot, because they've done good, if the rules are right, you know, you do good on this planet and you go off to heaven.
Imagine how many people are gonna be up there.
Just the people off Comic Relief.
Lenny Henry, he's up there.
Davina McCall.
The bloke who played Doctor Who, he's always cropping up on Comic Relief.
They're ail at it.
So, in a way, you're better off headin' wherever the other place is.
If it's hell or wherever.
'Cause it's gonna be a lot quieter there.
And that's what I like in life.
A bit of peace and quiet.
I've had enough, I just wanna get down, now.
(PANTING) Can we make our way down? - Yeah? - Yes.
RICHARD: What's gain' on? It's turned up.
What? Coffin.
It's good.
You'll like it.
It's good.
I couldn't keep it at home, basically.
'Cause of the size of it.
Plus, Suzanne, she doesn't want a coffin in the house.
Which is fair enough, really.
I mean, I didn't think of that.
But, still, it is proper amazing.
RICHARD: It's big.
I know.
That's the only problem with it.
It's it's fuckin' massive, innit? It's just little things that need finishing.
It needs hinges on it.
Fuckin' hell.
Look.
Perfect.
The idea.
Suzanne there.
I don't know if she'd fit in there.
I'm not being rude.
But it is pretty tight for me and I'm not that fat.
The point is it does the job.
It could catch on if you're close, and you're a close family and what have you.
If you got kids, if you got a brother and a sister, you could have the lot, and you could be a Kit Kat.
You could have a big bucket.
A big family bucket.
Family bucket.
Made for it.
If there's a disaster and everyone's wiped out.
Again, have a bit of fun with it.
It doesn't have to be miserable, does it? Just 'cause the whole family's been wiped out.
And it's good, I just think about in like years to come.
You know that Tony Robinson character who's going around digging shit up.
Imagine that in, like, 200 years, when the Tony Robinson of the time digs it up and they go, "What's this? What's this I've found?" What's a (STUTTERING) Twix? Twix probably won't be around.
"What's a Twix?â "He was this king.
" And all that.
I don't know.
I think it'll be interesting for future people.
Rather than just another box.
"We dig and we found another box again.
-"Do you know anything about him?" "Nothing.
" Whereas I think this will get people thinking, "Why two people in there?" What is this Twix thing? Anyway, let's get out of here because I wanna take you down to Hastings, show you the other idea that I've come up with.
I've always been into those benches you get down by the sea.
And they've got messages on them, haven't they? From family, just saying how much they're gonna miss Elsie who died.
And she used to like walking along the sea front.
And it's useful.
You've never met Elsie, but, because of her death, there's now a chair for you to sit on.
You know, when you're walking along a sea front on a Bank Holiday Monday.
I don't know what she was like as a person, Elsie.
She might've been useless, she might have never done any good in her life.
She might have been a right lazy old hint.
Right? But when she's died, she's left something behind.
And I think that's good.
You're dead a lot longer than you're alive.
So, if you can do something in that time, that's a good thing.
We've got loads of benches now.
It's not hard to find a seat here.
Well, if you've got any shit in your pocket, you don't knew what to do with it, there's never enough bins.
So, I'm taking the same idea as the bench thing, and putting messages on bins, like a memorial bin.
It's this one.
Look at that.
RICHARD: What's it say? In memory of Madame Comfort Cofie.
It's Comfort who I met in Ghana.
Well, I never met her, did I? I only ever met her when she was dead.
But a little old memory of her stuck on a bin.
I think it's good.
Honestly, I'm not messing about here, this isn't like a little daft gimmick, for a programme.
I think this could catch on.
We're not just talking about this bin was here and we stuck a plaque on it.
People buy a bin.
They buy the full bin.
That's what you buy.
Someone dies, you don't know what to do to remember them.
You buy the bin and have the plaque made and stuck on.
So, before Comfort died, there would have been more shit here.
So, imagine if more people did this.
Could have got a bit of a better photo.
It's a bit moody.
(BRASS BAND PLAYING ASIDE WITH ME)
The need for love, marriage and lifelong commitment.
The yearning to reproduce and the survival of the human race.
The search for a vocation, the desire to find happiness and the inevitable end, death.
But Karl Pilkington has not given a second thought to any of these issues.
This cat's cross-eyed.
I've never seen that before.
NARRATOR: Now he's turned 40, he thinks it's time he did.
(BURPS) He's travelling around the world to see how other people deal with life's big questions.
KARL: We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age.
This is the Pissing About Age.
NARRATOR: And to see if the issues are such a big deal, anyway.
In this episode, Karl finds out how to deal with death.
I don't know what to do! (WAILING) NARRATOR: What's the best final resting place? Oh, shit.
If I Lived there, I wouldn't be doing this with me granddad.
I'd ?y tip it.
All me family'd be left round here.
NARRATOR: And comes face to face with death.
I should record something for the start of the programme saying, "What you're about to see is mental, "so if you can't handle weird shit, watch summat else.
" KARL: I can't move her that way and I can't move her that way.
Watch her head.
Watch her head.
NARRATOR: This is The Moaning of Life.
KARL: It's like, who's the mental one here? Is it me or everyone else? Death.
It annoys me the amount of land that's being taken up by the dead.
You know, burials and all that.
When you think that, there's not that much land, is there, for people to live on.
You know, houses are getting smaller 'cause there's not enough land.
Population's growing.
There's just not enough space for everyone.
And yet you've got, like, big fields taken up by dead bodies.
They always get the nicest places as well, dead bodies.
When you think of graveyards it's always like a nice, little, quiet area, innit? And yet people who are living, you're in, like, a shitty area where it's all noisy and horrible and grey and what have you.
I say put the dead bodies in the shitty areas.
You could put them in the motorways and stuff.
'Cause they're always diggin' the road up anyway, aren't they? There's loads of holes.
Orin, sort of, the middle of a roundabout, maybe.
That's a little bit of land that doesn't get used.
They're not gonna build a house on that.
So stick dead bodies under that.
Prawn.
Chocolate éclair.
Hair dryer.
Have you ever seen a showroom like it? Well, how do you stick a body in there? Look at that.
Unless something happened to you and, you know, you were in bits.
Stick the head there.
Couple of hands.
Feet.
There's something about this that you just go "yeah, it's fine, yeah, good.
" You can imagine having a laugh.
I don't think people would be stood around crying and moping.
Imagine, if you're there and the vicar's going on about your gran.
Saying that, you know, she liked going to church on a Sunday.
She made lovely cakes.
And then they brought her down in a crab.
Everyone would laugh.
You'd have a good memory of it.
It's sort of a celebration of your life.
"Oh, what was she like?" "1 didn't know she liked crabs.
â Gets people talking.
"Why's she picked a crab?" Are you, uh, you looking to buy? A car? KARL: Why are you getting a car? What is that? It's a Lada.
And how would they get him in this? Was he a big man, or - He's the size of you? - Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that's the size.
- And they're gonna get him in a Lada? They needed a bigger I've never even thought about it.
I'm gonna die one day.
But I have no idea what KARL: So, what are you having? Yeah.
You're having a pen? - Yeah, like a Bic pen.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What, you're gonna be in a big pen? - Yeah.
Why? Yeah.
I'd have thought you'd have gone for a, uh Like, a blackboard duster.
Cause it's the shape of a coffin.
That'd be good if that lifted up, you could see his head.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, lift it up.
KARL: So, anything that I came up with, you can make? KARL: No matter what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This.
I sort of travel around.
Yeah.
But, I'm sick of aeroplanes.
I'm always on aeroplanes.
I really don't know, I don't know, urn Should it come to you, just like that? - Should this be an easy decision? - You know, -got them at garage.
-Hey.
- Ah, Twix.
- Twix, you not heard of Twix? It's one of the, sort of, little treats that I like.
I don't know if it's ever been done but, I've got a girlfriend.
CARPENTER: Yeah.
KARL: See with a Twix you get two bars.
- I've already eaten one.
- Yeah.
But, you get two bars in it, so I'm thinking, one coffin, two spaces.
- Yeah.
- So, only one cost.
Two people.
KARL: Will I leave that with you? CARPENTER: Okay.
(LAUGHING) What do you reckon to the Twix idea? RICHARD: I'm not sure.
KARL: I think the idea of being with Suzanne's quite nice.
She doesn't like talking about death.
So, in a way, I've sorted it.
So I don't worry about it.
"You're gonna be in a Twix.
" I think that's quite a nice thing to say that I want, you know, I want us to rot together.
In one box.
It's sort of more environmentally friendly.
Money-saving.
RICHARD: So, what's going on? Just going to me first funeral.
(CHUCKLES) Mad, isn't it? KARL: I don't know that much about it.
I don? know what the jobs are.
Don't know what I'm meant to be expected to do.
It's a funeral, innit? How much is there to do at a funeral? So, it's not She's not in a coffin? - All right.
- Yeah.
KARL: Hey.
KARL: Jesus, how old was she? Right, so What, what, what - I'm helping the Ice Man.
- Yes.
All right.
This is my first-ever funeral.
- I've never been to a funeral.
- ICE MAN: Oh, okay.
Okay, okay.
Well KARL: Right, okay then.
Let's, uh Let's get on with it, then.
- Make her up? - Yeah.
- All right, then what? just - Yeah.
Like that? Proper weird.
Proper, proper, proper weird.
KARL: All like that, yeah? ICE MAN: Yeah.
(SIGHING) She's gonna look like a right tranny.
You know, like Eddie Izzard, somebody like that.
Letting me on her.
'Cause I don't do make-up.
I don't use make-up so I don't know how to put it on.
It doesn't look good.
She Looked better when we hadn't even touched her.
Just left in a corner of a room, lying there.
I don't know what we've done.
I swear it feels like she's gonna jump up in a minute and say it's all a joke.
(SIGHING) I mean, lookin' at her on the poster.
It's not like it's the same woman, is it? It's really weird.
The poster's sort of as dead as she is, isn't it? It's not moving or anything, but there's life.
There's life there, isn't there? Even though it's a photo.
Not for me, this.
KARL: Jesus, she's heavy, isn't she? I'm pushing.
- More? - More.
Right, that's far as her legs are gonna go.
More, more.
- No, it's not gonna go any more.
- More.
- More.
- It's not gonna go any more.
ICE MAN: It's ok.
KARL: That's it.
You know, you're not allowed to use that, are you? There's no way.
It was mental, that.
Playing Twister with a dead 70-year-old woman.
When I pick her up, her feet are sliding.
So how do we stop that? RICHARD: They're just loosening her up, so that they can move her limbs around when they position her.
But we just want to stand her up.
What do you mean, "loosening her up"? She's not gonna be doing fucking star jumps.
She's been dead a month.
If anything, if she's stood there, surely stiffness is the best thing you can hope for, innit? You want her legs to be stiff when she stands up.
Okay, there she goes.
Come on.
ALL: One, two, three.
KARL: Watch her head.
Watch her head.
Down, down, down, down.
Okay, okay.
(GRUNTING) KARL: Keep hold, keep hold of her.
And when he's saying, "Pick her up," I'm going, "Well, hang on.
just let me take this in.
" I've never been to anything like this before.
And he's going, "Pick her up.
" It was like shifting a mattress.
Do you know what I mean? When you sort of go, "This should be easy, it's just a person.
" This is just a mattress.
Should be able to move it from one room another.
Have you ever shifted a mattress? - RICHARD: Yeah.
- It's awkward, innit? It goes every way you don't want it to go and that's what it was like.
KARL: Keep going.
ALL: One, two, three KARL: I can't move her that way.
I can't move her that way.
Oh,Jesus.
KARL: That just looks shit, doesn't it? It looks shit.
Apparently, they've knocked the idea of standing her up.
Because it was a little bit tricky, standing her up.
So they've sat her in a chair.
I think they redid the face, and urn They've sat her in front of, like, a stall 'cause that's what she did when she was alive.
She sold food or something, so That's the idea.
They try to make it look like she's still alive, basically.
Ah, she looks a lot better.
Well done? No, no, it's good.
I can imagine her now.
What she would have been like when she was alive.
It's really real.
It's not like a dead woman any more.
It's really real.
It's not as spooky.
I could sleep in here tonight.
I wouldn't have a problem with it.
RICHARD: Would you have Suzanne on display? Well, she really is like that most of the time, these days now.
Now she's made redundant at her job.
That is her.
There's not much difference.
"Make us a coffee.
" "You do it.
â I could swap.
Bring Suzanne here, sit her there.
Send Comfort home.
Honestly, there wouldn't be any difference.
Today's the big day.
KARL: It's the day they, you know, they bury Comfort.
just like the start of a car boot sale, or something.
Some people have got there early, Getting the best spot.
A bit of milling about.
Quite calm at the moment.
They got a wig on her now, haven't they? Wigs never look good.
If there's one thing we haven't cracked yet in human, sort of, civilisation, we've never been able to make a good wig.
I wouldn't want a wig on me.
I should make a will out, really, and make sure nobody goes, "Well, he's bald, isn't he? Let's get a wig on him.
" (BANGING METAL) RICHARD: So, what's going on? Basically, I got the job of joining the jammer group.
This group of blokes, go along the street, make a load of noise.
People stick their head out.
And they see there's like a funeral going on, so they come out.
The more people on the streets, the better the celebration for the dead person.
(SINGING) It's mental, innit? In fact, I forgot it's a funeral.
The way they're dancing about.
Getting involved.
When you saw the coffin.
You see that? The coffin being chucked in the air, I've never seen that.
That's something to talk about.
"How was the funeral?" "It was pretty good.
They got the coffin 6 foot high in the air.
" You what? Those blokes carrying it on their hands and knees.
I mean, that is mad, innit? Comfort's in there.
Her wig will be all over the shop.
For me, it makes the event something worth turning up for.
Oh, a bit edgy, this.
Are they gonna drop it? Doesn't matter it they do, she's dead.
But it's still got that edge to it.
Whereas at home it's just, "How was if?" "Yeah, it was Oh, it was a great send off Had a lovely spread.
"Had some lovely ham and cheese, pickle sandwiches.
" That's it.
That's as good as it can get.
ALL: Amen! If I had a funeral, that's what! 'd want.
I don't want people moping about.
You're gonna remember that, aren't you? Honestly, for me first funeral, I've, uh I've enjoyed today.
RICHARD: You think you gave a very good send off? Yeah, I'd be happy with that.
Apart from the wig.
KARL: Crying isn't something I need in me life.
Suzanne's always saying, "Oh, you're hard, you.
" Cold heart.
"Have you got a heart?" You know what I mean? She's always like, "What is wrong with you?" I don't cry.
Water doesn't leave me head.
I've got loads of gobs.
That's how water leaves me.
It's not out of me eyes.
It's saliva.
Especially at night when I'm asleep.
I sometimes wake up with a really, sort of, wet head.
Because I've been sort of slathering on the pillow, I've been rolling about on it.
So, I'm gonna meet this woman called Liu, who's a professional mourner.
She's gonna teach me how to cry.
How to get upset.
How to show feeling and emotion.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) TRANSLATOR.
So, this is what you wear when we need to crawl on the ground, which is part of this job.
We start from the basic, that is, the sobbing.
Sob while you taik.
Sob whilst you talk.
(SOBBING) Translator: This sentence means "I'm your daughter.
"And I can't bear the idea that you're already gone.
" Can you do it again? (SOBBING) I don't know what to do! (WAILING) This feels wrong.
That is so not me.
Honestly, it feels I feel daft.
I feel a bit stupid.
See, I swear.
When I get upset, I don't really cry, I swear.
TRANSLATOR: No, you can't.
In a funeral service, a [at of people are there.
Everybody's crying.
You cannot swear.
Imagining that this someone has passed away.
And we are crying so hard that we fatter.
We cannot stand steady on our feet.
(KARL PANTING) Don't look like you're drunk.
just a little bit.
Speak at the same time.
Oh, you're gone.
You're bloody gone.
You're not gonna be around any more.
KARL: See, I think, ya know, when me dad goes.
I don't think I'd be like that.
I think I'd be more accepting.
(SOBBING) And because he's not scared of death, he always sort of just goes "Oh, it doesn't matter.
" You know, me time's up.
He's counting down the days now.
You didn't tell me you were ill.
You just said you were a little bit weak.
(SOBBING) He got annoyed the other week, 'cause he was forced into buying a 10-year passport.
80 quid it was.
He was going, "Why have I got to buy a 10-year one? "I'm not gonna be around in 10 years.
" He wanted to buy a five-year one.
Half the price.
He accepts it.
He very rarely buys Long-life milk.
(SOBBING) TRANSLATOR: Okay, falter a little bit.
One step or two.
Ah! just hang on, let me sit down.
- Now fall down on your knees.
- Listen, I've gone a bit dizzy.
Come on, look, shaking.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) KARL: It's hard work.
I've really got a sweat on.
TRANSLATOR: So, now we're doing it with the music.
Music would help, really.
Gets emotions going, music.
TRANSLATOR: 50, fuse into it.
Your mood, your emotions.
Oh! Suzanne! Twenty years! And now you're gone! Twenty bloody years.
We've been through so much.
The first flat in Salford.
You didn't really want to live there.
But it's all I could give ya! And you wanted a holiday after we moved in.
I said "You're joking, aren't ya? "We're fucking skint!" (SOBBING) What, I'm just being honest.
And now I'm being honest and I'm gonna miss you.
Have I just put me hand in dog shit? - LIU: (SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) - Yeah, smell that.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) I'm just going to a, uh, memorial service that Liu's sort of, uh, gonna be crying at.
It's a gig.
She does quite a few in one day.
She turns up and starts crying.
Weird, innit? I nearly keeled over back there practicing.
It takes a lot of energy.
So, for her to be doing that, you know, three or four times a day, must get a right headache.
KARL: What's this? TRANSLATOR: Sometimes, in Taiwan, people want their funeral service to be really big.
So, they would hire these to make this funeral even bigger.
Yeah, I don't quite understand how this works with the funeral.
Can you do this? (RESPONDING IN LOCAL LANGUAGE) She looks so bored, though, doesn't she? Look at her face.
She might as well be waiting at a bus stop.
RICHARD: It's a job.
She's probably been to three funerals today.
I know, but I don't see how this can be showing respect.
Got her knickers up her arse.
She's got bruises on her knees.
Got a fag burn on her back.
She just looks fed up.
I've never understood what pole dancing's about anyway, though.
It's a waste of a good skill.
Get into scaffolding or something and whiz up and down poles.
Do the job a lot quicker.
No, I don't, I don't really, uh I don't really get it.
Ok.
Ok.
KARL: Are we ready? Okay.
(LAMENTING) It was a memorial service for a woman who passed away a couple of years ago and they've got together to remember her.
If that's what you want to do, it's a nice little thing.
But I don't think Liu was needed.
(LAMENT CONTINUES) KARL: You can be sad without crying.
If I tell you now I am sad, that should be enough.
You don't have to have tears.
So many tears I think that's why sea levels are rising at home.
Nowt to do with global warming and all that, it's the amount of people crying.
Tears flowing.
You just turn it on like that.
They've gone a bit mental.
I'll be honest with ya, I was looking at her and she reminded me of one of those, you know those PG Tips Pyramid Tea Bags.
Pointed at the top, works its way down.
It's like, why is she wearing that? That's the thought I had, if I'm being honest.
There was no emotion going.
I felt sorry for the family, but I looked over there and I thought, "Oh yeah, haven't had one of those tea bags for ages.
"They're quite strong.
" That's it.
I'm being honest with you.
Because I didn't know the woman.
(LAMENT CONTINUES) RICHARD: Have you thought much about how you might die, Karl? Well, what did you think about this idea of dying doing what you love doing? KARL: Forget that.
If anything, I wanna die doing what I didn't love.
That's the best way to go, innit? So you don't miss life as much.
Why do you wanna die doing what you love because you'll be dying going, "Oh, I'm gonna miss this.
" Whereas, if it's something like emptying the dishwasher, that thing of you take a pan out.
And you tip it upside down and water goes everywhere.
You get water on your feet.
And it's all of over the kitchen floor.
I hate that job.
So, that's how I'd like to die.
Just have heart attack getting out a frying pan.
Because then, as I'm dying, I'm going, "Oh, I don't have to do the rest of it.
I hated it.
â I mean look at it, it's massive, this place.
If it was just dead bodies, what a waste of space that would be, wouldn't it? Whereas people are sort of using these things.
The mausoleums.
They're allowed to live in 'em.
It's like a little village.
You've got shops, people flogging drinks, crisps, peanuts.
So if someone moves in there, they make that the bed.
I mean that is like something you'd see in Bensons for Beds, innit? It's a double bed with headboard.
I mean, it's even got like a little headrest and everything.
So, you can understand why someone came along and thought, "We can live in these.
â Fully furnished.
Got a little table there.
Table and chairs there.
You can make a barbecue out of this bit.
A little stove in there.
This one's definitely a bigger size to me first place in London.
And the mattress we got, 'cause I didn't want to spend that much on a mattress.
It was probably harder than that, to be honest.
It's nice and green, innit? When you think about some of the places people live at home.
All concretey and grey and miserable.
Nice, innit? The atmosphere is nice.
(ROOSTER (ROWING) It's got a proper kitchen.
And an upstairs.
I mean that's big, innit? I mean it's marble, that.
That would be a lot of money at home, to have something like that in your kitchen.
A marble worktop.
You can do chopping on that.
And you won't cause any damage.
Honestly, it's good.
- ALL: (CHEERING) - KARL: Yes! Oh, they keep it all tidy and everything, don't they? KARL: Morning.
WOMAN: Morning.
KARL: You live here? Yeah.
Is it okay to have a look? Yeah.
Get an idea of what it would be like.
I'll just lie Lie on the bed? - Yes.
- Thank you.
Just to have a roof over your head.
It's basic, but it does the job, doesn't it? And the thing is, at home, the place that you always forget to clean, is under your bed.
They haven't got that problem here, it's sealed off.
So, no dust and shit and everything.
RICHARD: But what about the plaque saying, "R.
I.
P.
, Rest in Peace?" Maybe it matters to you.
It doesn't to me.
Are you worried when you've got your recycling food bin, when you empty that, because it's full of chicken bones, bits of bacon, do you go, (MOANS) (MOANS) "Is it haunted? Is the food bin haunted?â It's a bit of dead chicken.
Treat it the same.
All this, "Don't disturb the dead.
" You can't disturb 'em.
Worry about people who have been disturbed who are living.
I have neighbours who were playing like the cricket theme tune.
Do you know the, urn (SINGING SOUL LIMBO BY BOOKER T AND THE MGs) They were playing that about 3:00 in the morning.
Full.
On the stereo.
What can you do? So, don't disturb the living.
Don't disturb the sleeping.
Make a racket all you want with the dead.
It's not a problem.
So, how does it work then? How do you get one of these to live in? And what jobs do people do in return for getting a home? KARL: What, take the bodies out? WOMAN: Yeah.
Urn, yeah, I'll give it a hand, yeah.
How long has the body been in? So, it won't be manky, it'll just be skeleton? Maybe.
Is this a man or a woman? It's a woman, Mary.
And there's not enough room for all the dead bodies here, so you've gotta get 'em out every five years.
Yeah, I can see like a I can see something gold.
It's like a white box with gold corners on it.
But it doesn't smell, considering there are dead bodies in there.
That's five years old.
Shit, it's gonna go, innit? It's just a rotten old coffin.
I can see some hair.
There's some hair.
Aw, shit.
Now, he's got really on it.
That's got a proper head of hair on it.
It's got more hair than me.
It's not grim, it's just like, it's got a fuckin' hair cut.
KARL: (SIGHS) Look at that.
Jesus.
Got a bra, it's still got a bra on.
(GASPS) I mean I never saw what she looked like when she was alive, yet I saw her bra.
That's weird.
I saw what sort of underwear she wore, but I know nothing else about her.
If they want them to be comfy in, like, eternity, don't leave a bra on her.
Suzanne's always moaning about wearing a bra.
So, I just go, "It's all right for you, "you don't have to wear them, they're well uncomfy.
" So, if you're leaving someone in a box forever, take their bra off.
You know how much a bra is? RICHARD: I've never bought one.
No, I haven't, but I've heard Suzanne say, "Oh, can I have some money for a bra?" And I thought they were about 6 quid.
30 odd quid for a decent bra, that's sort of fitting.
Gives a bit of lift.
They're not cheap.
And yet there's just one left in there.
Yet, people here have got nothing.
You know, they're quite poor living here.
There's a dead woman in there with an half decent bra on.
It doesn't add up.
What's that? That's a hip bone.
RICHARD: Is there much left in there? No, that's it.
It's all gone.
Just one bag like that.
just a bin.
What is it? Yeah, it's a rice bag.
It's got a whole woman in it.
It was just There she is.
There's Mary, she's been dead for five years.
Get her out.
Stuck her in a bag, buried the bag, ready for the family to come and collect it if they want it.
I got a picture from Eric today.
You know the bloke at Crazy Coffins.
You know, who's making a coffin to look like a Twix.
And so he's getting' on with it.
I don't know, I don't know if it's the right thing or not, I don't know, it was just what came into me head.
When he said, "What do you want your coffin to be?" I just fancied a Twix.
RICHARD: Where are you going? I'm just on me way to a place where they don't waste land on dead bodies.
That's been my main problem, hasn't it, with a lot of this.
With burials, it's sort of wasted land that could be used for something else.
At home, when you buy tomatoes, they're imported from Spain.
Not 'cause of cost, there isn't any land to grow anything.
There's no land.
No free land.
It's gonna get to a point when they're sort of growing shit on football fields.
Old Trafford will be bought to grow tomatoes and potatoes.
Well, the thing that I'm gonna see now, they've got a different way of getting rid of dead bodies.
They stick bodies on the side of cliffs.
So, who's the coffin 'For? Kaga.
But does he know that you've made a coffin for him? This isn't a secret? He's not like over there not knowing this is going on.
He knows.
Shit.
That always happens.
Whenever I paint, bloody fly in it.
That is a blue bottle.
Blue paint all over its arse.
Paint still not bloody dry.
It's heavy.
I know it's like a bloody wardrobe, though, this.
Quality wardrobe.
So, is this where Kaga wants to be rested when he's dead? Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, Kaga, he's gonna be remembered there, isn't he, in big, bright, blue letters.
It's good.
It's good having your name on it and everything.
I like all that.
- Feels like he's in it.
- Yeah.
- It's well heavy.
- (LAUGHS) RICHARD: Do you reckon you'll be remembered? Definitely not.
'Cause no one ever gets me name right.
So they're not gonna remember me.
And the last hotel we were in struggled again.
I'll show you that.
They got it right there.
Pilkington, they got Pilkington right, and they stuck a âg" on the end for no reason.
Pilkingtong.
It's just Like, there's no need for that.
If I'm remembered, it'll be Pilkingtong or Pilington or Pickington.
Tilkington, I've got on me council tax.
(PANTING) Now, it's tricky here.
I'm doing it slowly.
(GRUNTS) Fuckin' hell.
Hang on.
Right, I'm down.
Down, down, down.
Bloody hell.
I think I'll be going home in one of these.
Yeah.
(SPEAKING LOCAL LANGUAGE) Do we know where we're going with it? It seems like They can't make up their mind where they're going with it.
KARL: Is that a coffin? MAN: Yeah, coffins.
KARL: Coffin in the rock.
It's not in a crack.
It's hanging on the side.
Mmm.
Why? Did you hear that? It's mainly so dogs can't get at the body.
But could you not fit a lock? Fuckin' hell.
I can hardly do it without the coffin.
No! Shit.
(SIGHS) Could they not have put it together down there? RICHARD: This is how they usually do it, Karl.
No, 'cause no one's ever suggested.
All it takes is for someone to go, "You thought about making it down there?" And they'll go, "That's a good idea.
"Why has no one ever thought of that?" It's madness.
I'll tell you there's no way.
If I lived there I wouldn't be doing this with me granddad.
No way.
I'd ?y tip it.
Honestly.
all me family would be left round here.
Tip it off the edge.
Bloody hell.
Is there bodies in them? RICHARD: Yeah.
Well, it makes sense in a way, doesn't it? I mean, it's not using up land.
That's what I've been moaning about, innit? It's just tricky, how do you get it up there? Right, you ready? Hang on.
(GRUNTS) Watch your hands.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on.
Slow down, me fingers are stuck in there.
That's it.
Nowhere else to go here.
Yeah, go on, you're ail right.
Where are you going with it? UP again.
I'm trapped.
Fuckin' hell.
Right, where are you going? - Right.
Down, down, down.
- Down, down, down, down.
MAN: It's okay.
This is bloody barmy, this.
I normally get dizzy just hanging curtains up.
Esteval, do you know when Kaga dies, how do they get him up here? Like this? What, six fellas and a load of rope? And you said you do this, just so dogs can't get at 'em? I don't believe in any afterlife.
Do you like the idea of having a heaven? - RICHARD: Yeah.
- And going to it.
RICHARD: I find it comforting.
KARL: I just think it's a lot of pissin' about.
I mean, it's gonna be crowded up there now, 'cause the thing is, there's a lot more people doing good these days.
When you think about years ago, you had a lot of evil going on, King Herod and And all that lot.
I can't think of 'em off-hand.
Uh, you know, people cuttin' off heads and all that.
There was a lot of evil people.
Whereas now, everyone's doing good.
So, it's gonna be checker up there.
When you think about the amount of people who get involved in Comic Relief, all them lot, because they've done good, if the rules are right, you know, you do good on this planet and you go off to heaven.
Imagine how many people are gonna be up there.
Just the people off Comic Relief.
Lenny Henry, he's up there.
Davina McCall.
The bloke who played Doctor Who, he's always cropping up on Comic Relief.
They're ail at it.
So, in a way, you're better off headin' wherever the other place is.
If it's hell or wherever.
'Cause it's gonna be a lot quieter there.
And that's what I like in life.
A bit of peace and quiet.
I've had enough, I just wanna get down, now.
(PANTING) Can we make our way down? - Yeah? - Yes.
RICHARD: What's gain' on? It's turned up.
What? Coffin.
It's good.
You'll like it.
It's good.
I couldn't keep it at home, basically.
'Cause of the size of it.
Plus, Suzanne, she doesn't want a coffin in the house.
Which is fair enough, really.
I mean, I didn't think of that.
But, still, it is proper amazing.
RICHARD: It's big.
I know.
That's the only problem with it.
It's it's fuckin' massive, innit? It's just little things that need finishing.
It needs hinges on it.
Fuckin' hell.
Look.
Perfect.
The idea.
Suzanne there.
I don't know if she'd fit in there.
I'm not being rude.
But it is pretty tight for me and I'm not that fat.
The point is it does the job.
It could catch on if you're close, and you're a close family and what have you.
If you got kids, if you got a brother and a sister, you could have the lot, and you could be a Kit Kat.
You could have a big bucket.
A big family bucket.
Family bucket.
Made for it.
If there's a disaster and everyone's wiped out.
Again, have a bit of fun with it.
It doesn't have to be miserable, does it? Just 'cause the whole family's been wiped out.
And it's good, I just think about in like years to come.
You know that Tony Robinson character who's going around digging shit up.
Imagine that in, like, 200 years, when the Tony Robinson of the time digs it up and they go, "What's this? What's this I've found?" What's a (STUTTERING) Twix? Twix probably won't be around.
"What's a Twix?â "He was this king.
" And all that.
I don't know.
I think it'll be interesting for future people.
Rather than just another box.
"We dig and we found another box again.
-"Do you know anything about him?" "Nothing.
" Whereas I think this will get people thinking, "Why two people in there?" What is this Twix thing? Anyway, let's get out of here because I wanna take you down to Hastings, show you the other idea that I've come up with.
I've always been into those benches you get down by the sea.
And they've got messages on them, haven't they? From family, just saying how much they're gonna miss Elsie who died.
And she used to like walking along the sea front.
And it's useful.
You've never met Elsie, but, because of her death, there's now a chair for you to sit on.
You know, when you're walking along a sea front on a Bank Holiday Monday.
I don't know what she was like as a person, Elsie.
She might've been useless, she might have never done any good in her life.
She might have been a right lazy old hint.
Right? But when she's died, she's left something behind.
And I think that's good.
You're dead a lot longer than you're alive.
So, if you can do something in that time, that's a good thing.
We've got loads of benches now.
It's not hard to find a seat here.
Well, if you've got any shit in your pocket, you don't knew what to do with it, there's never enough bins.
So, I'm taking the same idea as the bench thing, and putting messages on bins, like a memorial bin.
It's this one.
Look at that.
RICHARD: What's it say? In memory of Madame Comfort Cofie.
It's Comfort who I met in Ghana.
Well, I never met her, did I? I only ever met her when she was dead.
But a little old memory of her stuck on a bin.
I think it's good.
Honestly, I'm not messing about here, this isn't like a little daft gimmick, for a programme.
I think this could catch on.
We're not just talking about this bin was here and we stuck a plaque on it.
People buy a bin.
They buy the full bin.
That's what you buy.
Someone dies, you don't know what to do to remember them.
You buy the bin and have the plaque made and stuck on.
So, before Comfort died, there would have been more shit here.
So, imagine if more people did this.
Could have got a bit of a better photo.
It's a bit moody.
(BRASS BAND PLAYING ASIDE WITH ME)