Key and Peele (2012) s01e05 Episode Script

The zombies have broken through! I repeat, zombies! - Aah! - Oh, my God! Tommy's been bit! Aah, damn! Damn it! No, no, no! What are you waiting for? You know what you have to do! No, I ca-- I ca-- I can't do it.
D-- do what? You have to do it! He's been bit! Yes-- aah! Aah! Unh! Aah! - No, no, no! - Forgive me, Tommy! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! Aah! I ca-- I can't believe the zombies bit him! It wasn't a zombie, it was a raccoon.
Zombies and raccoons, right? No, it's just zombies? Oh, [bleep.]
, you just killed Tommy.
Yeah! Thank you! Thank you.
Welcome to the show everybody, I am Keegan.
And I am Jordan.
- And this is Key & Peele.
- Yes.
- So thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.
Now I just wanna start off by saying we are huge horror movie fans.
- Yew.
We love horror movies.
- We love the slashers.
- Don't if anybody's seen-- - Skite-- skite-- skite-- skite! Yeah, that's our jam right there.
I don't know if anyone's seen that movie Candyman? That's one of our favorites, Candyman.
That's the movie where you say "Candyman" five times into a mirror in the bathroom, and a black dude from the 19th century with a hook for a hand and bees all over his face comes out, and he kills you.
That's just relevant because if you watched that movie, and you went home and you said "Candyman" five times into a mirror, you are a white person.
Yes, a black person would never do that.
Nope, we don't do that.
We do not take chances with the supernatural.
Just in case.
Well, the last thing that came along that we didn't understand ended up bringing us to America, so that was kind of a [bleep.]
up situation.
That's why street magicians, like, on the street-- Like, a black person, we will just excuse ourselves-- Oh, no, we will vacate the premises.
from that whole situation.
It would be like this-- "Was the four of clubs your card?" "Oh, hell no.
You a demon, so" But, babe, moving out? Please, this is the worst possible time.
Please don't do this.
Babe? - Garbage.
- Huh? Can I take your garbage? Yeah, sure.
You know, I find the more garbage in the can, the better it feels to dump it all out.
I suppose that's why we let it get so full in the first place.
So we can start over.
- Here to fix the copier.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
Hey, how did you-- Sometimes things ain't really broken.
It's the way we treat 'em that needs to be fixed.
Heh.
Who the hell are you guys? The important question is who are you, Steve? Well, it it isn't Mr.
Stanley.
Carl.
You need to find your own troubled white boy.
I was here first.
Copycat.
Aagh! Sweep this bitch! Unh! - Uh-oh.
- Hah! Whoa! Unh! Damn! Chesterfield! There can be only one magical negro! Hunh! Yaarrgh! Good lord.
Are you all right? Well, I guess sometimes things have to come apart before we can put 'em back together again.
Oh, you're a magical negro too.
Who you callin' "negro," bitch? So Keegan's the nicest guy in the world.
- Too nice, though.
- You think I'm too nice.
- Sometimes you're too nice.
- Okay.
That one time we went to a restaurant.
We're starving, and we are going to a restaurant, and there is a woman outside the door of the restaurant with a clipboard talking about giving money for homeless kids.
Very nice girl, very sweet girl.
I don't care, I don't care.
- Very sweet.
- Of course she's sweet.
I don't care.
You do not stop for a bitch with a clipboard.
- Jordan-- - Don't do it, Keegan.
Let's talk about what you did.
Let's talk about what he did for a second.
This is my man right here-- my man just said, "Just so you know, it's a no for me.
" Excuse me, uh-huh, mm-hmm.
- Look at that.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Mm, thank you, mm! Well that's because-- No, that's because you have to know-- Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm! That's because I know he's gonna be out there for the next 48 minutes talking about, "Fascinating, fascinating.
"Why aren't these kids housed? "What's wrong? I wanna know.
"I wanna know all the info.
"What are their names? One at a time.
"Give them to me, alphabetical.
"No, I'll remember them.
I have a good memory.
"I'll give you my e-mail, I'll give you my sosh.
"Do they have a father figure? "My name's Keegan.
"I'll give it to 'em.
" All right.
Where you headed, youngster? Yeah I'm headed to the Cobo building on Jefferson.
All right, yeah, Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue.
Mm-hmm.
So, uh, what you in Detroit for? Uh, gotta do a presentation.
All right, okay.
Yeah, a presentation, okay.
What are you presenting? Uh, actually it's about how market research can be interpreted with out-of-the-box solutions.
Oh, all right, so you're gonna get this all outside the box, all right.
Most people think that all customers are a single demographic.
Oh, okay, you're trying to get all them demographics up in here, all right.
All right, yeah.
Online trends are less linear than-- Oh, okay, online trends.
Linear, mm-hmm.
I'm also thinking about doing the presentation naked.
- Ooh.
- Just no clothes on.
Oh, yeah, yeah, naked presentation.
No clothes on, that's good.
Afterward, I might just piss on the floor in front of everyone.
Oh, yeah, okay, all right.
Pissing right there up in front of everybody.
All right, sounds good.
Then I might just shoot everybody in the place, you know.
With the gun I'm hiding in my ass.
Yeah, yeah, gun way up in that ass.
That's the way to do it.
Cut my victims' faces off, wear them as masks.
Mm-hmm, yeah, masks go on the face.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.
Ich bin ein Schein.
Heil Hitler.
Yep, okay, heil Hitler to you too.
Heh.
All right, here we are.
Oh, by the way.
When you kill those people with your ass gun, make sure to use a serrated blade to cut their faces off.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Call my agent.
Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.
What up, Clyde? Hey look, man, I'm gonna be real with you okay? This Alien Boy script, I'm not feelin' it.
I mean, it's hard being Will Smith's son.
I just wanna make sure my next project reflects that I'm a down-to-earth, normal kid.
Am I making any sense? Yeah, yeah, I'm reading you loud and clear.
I've got a script right here, very real, called Street Ball.
- Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony.
He's a kid from the streets, lives in the hood in a house with his mom.
Stop.
House? Oh, it's like a - tiny mansion.
- Got it, go on.
So his mom and he, uh, they live in this house and she works at the supermarket.
Stop.
Oh, yeah, a supermarket's like a mansion, uh, but it's full of food, and anyone can go there.
So, like, where the butlers go? Yeah, basically.
So he, uh-- And wait.
You said his mom was doing something at the supermarket? - Working.
- So Working is kind of like acting on a set every day in a film that no one's ever gonna see.
And it lasts for the rest of your life.
Oh, like a maid! Yeah, yeah, she's like the maid of the supermarket.
Awesome, continue.
So anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team, right? So he decides to start playing pickup games of street ball outside.
So he plays basketball in his plane? No, on the ground.
In his limo? No, uh, outside is that stuff that goes by when you're inside the limo.
Oh, snap! He plays basketball outside the limo door? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then he gets really good at basketball, and then blah-blah blah-blah-blah, fast forward.
At the heart of the story, Tony has to choose between his mom-- Choose.
Yeah, "choose" is when you have to make a decision between two things you want but you can have only one.
But there's two.
Yeah, but, I mean, he can't have both.
What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde? It's a no.
Okay, we'll pass.
Achoo.
- Dad bless you.
- Thanks.
Welcome to the show.
Tonight we are a full hour on Baby Prudence, the child who was abducted yesterday.
We have the 911 call and the last taken home video of Baby Pru.
We have reporters in the field as hundreds of people are searching for-- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well [bleep.]
me! Gaa! Uh, so I have been married, uh, for 13 years.
Thank you, thank you.
- I'm very happily married.
- Gross.
No, no, no.
Your marriage is beautiful.
Your marriage is not gross.
But for me, that is not an option, marriage.
Okay, yeah, Jordan is not a big fan of marriage.
- For Jordan, marriage is, um-- - The end of life.
Yes.
- The end of life.
- That, yes, yes.
I don't get tattoos either, by the way.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?d To me, marriage seems like getting a tattoo that's alive and makes you wait to watch the next episode of everything.
- I don't want that.
- See, and I don't care.
I just as soon wait for my wife so we can watch it together.
Ew.
No, no! But, okay, I like to go to Amsterdam, for example.
- Yes, mm-hmm.
- Every now and then.
Thank you! When you-- when you get married, you can't go to Amsterdam.
- Oh, yes, you can.
- No.
I can go to Amsterdam with my wife.
Yes, but you can't Amsterdam.
Oh, well The mood is infectious and exciting today as people from all walks of life celebrate becoming the seventh state to legalize gay marriage.
We're here talking to excited couples about how they feel on this historic day.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, hi.
Uh, yeah, it's a very historic day for civil rights.
- Whoo! - And for gay Americans.
And Americans all over the country-- Whoo! We're gonna get married! Yeah! Well, you know, wait-- We said that it would be a conversation, you know what I mean? Because we didn't know this was gonna pass so darn fast.
- Oh, my God! - So are you guys a couple? Are we a couple? Come on, girl.
Let's get serious.
- No, it's just so fast.
- My name is Lashawn.
And this right here is my "Samwich.
" It's, uh, Samuel, yeah.
And we're gonna get married! Yeah! That's so great.
How long have you guys been together? - Well, we've been-- - Three years.
It's been forever, we've been waiting forever! It's really important to know the person-- Who is the bride? I am the bride.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do! Oh, well tell us all about your plans.
You know, we never thought it was important to have a piece of paper, so there's not any plans-- Oh, yeah! Piece of paper! We're gonna get that piece of paper, Sammy! - Yeah, yeah.
- That piece of paper! Where do you think you guys will get married? You know, there's a lot of hidden costs in a wedding-- Oh, everywhere! We're gonna get married over here and over there and in the sky and on a cloud.
Oh, wow, it sounds like it's gonna be a big wedding.
Well, you know, it's just a conversation that we have-- Girl, we're gonna rent the moon and fill it with roses! We really need to talk about whether or not we think it's fair to even get married when it's still illegal in so many other states-- You see? Look at him! Look at him! That's my man with his big heart.
I'm sorry, my husband.
You my husband now.
- Well, we just-- - You my husband now, bitch.
We just don't wanna rush into anything, because stuff gets overturned.
Remember what happened in California.
Baby, I'm gonna get a 14-karat ring the size of 14 mother[bleep.]
in' carrots.
That's what up, doc! Well, you two certainly seem excited.
- Yeah, do we seem excited? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Congratulations.
I hope you guys have a wonderful life together.
We just-- we really just didn't think it was gonna pass.
We're gonna have a house that's shaped like a unicorn, and we're gonna have five little girls.
Their names are gonna be Etnie, Carousel, Sequin, Abercrombie, and Phantom.
And we're gonna have a little dog named Ruffalo.
And the dog gonna have a cat named Myriad.
And we have breaking news.
Baby Lakeisha has gone missing.
For the next hour we will-- What's that? Nobody cares? Moving on, let's check in with baby Prudence.
Her 14th day home, and she's still safe and sound.
No, I definitely-- I am very happily married, but I have to say that there are times in a relationship where you have to use psychology, you know, to get what you want.
- Oh, definitely.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know exactly-- I mean, I have a girlfriend, so I know what you're talking about.
For me it's when I'm watching HBO, and the girl take her top off in the HBO show, which is inevitable.
And the only way I can continue watching the show is if I preempt her.
I'm like, "Oh, see, that's just a shame "she feels like she has to do that.
"It's just a shame.
It's gratuitous, is what it is.
"I don't even wanna watch-- We can watch it, but you know.
" Oh, man.
What I do, I like to walk my dogs.
But I pretend like I hate walking my dogs.
Because one hour of dog walking equals five hours of football.
Yes, smart.
So, I'll come in the door just talking about, Ooh! Ooh! Right.
- Ooh! - Yeah, you gotta play it up.
- My hammies! - Yeah, yeah, you gotta - Very smart.
- Oh! Five hours of football.
So you sort of bank the favor, in a way.
So, yeah, I bank the favor.
Which is kind of-- Another thing I do - is I will bank a complaint.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if she does something I don't really care about if she did it, but I will wait.
And I will wait until she calls me out on some [bleep.]
to bring it up.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying? So, if she says to you, um, "Why'd you leave the toilet seat up?" Bitch, why was you late last week, and I ain't say nothing? I was gonna get that [bleep.]
slide! That's very good.
I'm gonna try that.
Yeah.
Now, first, let me just say that I'm encouraged that so many of you from the Republican party have agreed to meet me in this way.
Now, as you know, I've tried very hard to reach across the aisle and govern this country from the middle.
Well all due respect, Mr.
President, we disagree with you.
We think you should run the country from not the middle.
Well, that's why we're here.
If you would, I'd just appreciate some feedback on some new ideas and directions for this country.
Feel free to agree or disagree.
Whatever you want.
We're gonna disagree.
- Yeah, disagree.
- Disagree.
Disagree.
First, I think the government is too big.
I think we need to shrink the size of the federal government so that all decisions can be made at the state level.
We disagree, Mr.
President.
Mm-hmm.
You drive a hard bargain, you win.
There we go.
Big government it is.
All right, next up, this has been a hot button issue, but I think we can settle it right here.
No taxes for rich people.
We completely disagree! Round two goes to you guys.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
More taxes for the rich.
What the [bleep.]
! What is happening to us? Man, I am taking a beating here, guys.
All right, last issue-- immigration.
Now, we need to secure our borders.
And anybody who's here illegally should be hunted down and deported.
We disagree! We are a country of immigrants! No! We need a clear path to citizenship for all of those who are already here! Aah! Help me! Great, I love your ideas.
Lastly, we cannot regulate firearms.
Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can! All right, all right.
If you guys say so.
And nobody better throw me a cigarette.
Ain't I a stinker? Oh, hell no, you a demon! No, no, you a demon.
Good night, everybody! Thank you! I'm gonna do my one line here Oh, yeah.