Kickin' It (2011) s01e05 Episode Script

Guys, huge problem Kelsey vargas, The coolest girl in school, is on her way down here.
Don't panic.
We've trained for this.
- Guys, bust out the emergency deodorant.
- Yeah.
- I don't need deodorant.
- We all need deodorant.
We're teenage boys.
Our bodies are a smorgasbord of smells.
I don't take any chances.
I'm wearing a necklace of air fresheners right now.
This week I'm alpine meadow.
I told Kelsey I was a martial arts expert.
And the youngest Sensei in history.
- Jerry.
- Oh, Rudy, Kelsey's on her way.
Dude, please hook me up with that black belt.
You can't have this belt.
It's a symbol of hard work, honor and respect.
Well, then why do you use it to walk your dog? That was one time and it was an emergency.
I had a pug with the squirts and new white carpet.
Look, can we stop talking and get to sparring, please? Jerry, you're up against Kim.
- Milton, you're with me.
- Eddie, you're with Jack.
Jack? Uh, hold on.
My phone's vibrating.
You know, I hate to be that guy, but hello? You mean the guy that pretends.
- His wallet is a phone? - Please, shh! Can you hear me now? Come on, guys, let's go.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Kelsey, what a surprise.
So these are your students that fear and respect you? Yes, we are.
I'm about to fear and respect.
The living grits out of him right now.
Oh no, not my grits.
I'm gonna need my grits.
Yeah, I'd say you've got that move down pretty well.
Oh, you guys take a five.
Kelsey and I are gonna get a froyo.
Oh, come on, Kelsey.
Don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? and we can have a ball, run up the wall this is how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you here we go, let's start the party chop it up like it's karate everybody don't you get all tough with me I'm saying won't you come kick it with me? and we can have a ball, run up the wall this is how we do and no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Hey, thanks a lot, Kim.
You cost me a date with the coolest girl in school.
What are you gonna do, Sensei, throw me out of the dojo? Kim, in the future, let's respect Jerry enough.
Not to embarrass him he's lying to.
Rls.
Thank you, Jack.
It's called decency, Kim.
All hail miltonius, The newly-crowned king of narnia! See, Milton, this is the reason.
You had to go to spring formal with the biolab skeleton.
I'll have you know that bonita is an excellent dancer.
Hey, I know what's going on.
It's that time of year when all the dorks come out.
To play swords and magic in the park.
Or if it rains, we use the bingo hall at the senior center.
We tear it up.
- Hi, Jerry.
- Hey, Kelsey.
I was just talking to this kid I've never seen before.
I don't even know his name.
Right, Milton? Really, Jerry? Guys, big news: This year you all are gonna participate in the battle with me.
What happened to all your other friends? You know, the ones that throw up when I try to talk to them? Well, this year things are a little complicated.
Francis has a bassoon recital, Jeffrey is a finalist in the mathlympics.
And Louis got grounded for teaching his cockatiel bad words.
Dude, we're not gonna be a part of your nerd fest.
Very funny, Jerry.
Nerd fest is in Minneapolis in October.
See, Milton, a bunch of dudes in tights, Running around the woods beating each other senseless.
With foam swords it's just not our thing.
Well, it's my thing.
And I wanna share this moment with my best friends.
- That's you guys.
- I don't know.
I just quit the cello.
And threw out my panda bear backpack.
I'm just starting to get cool.
Come on, just give it a chance.
Soon you'll know the exhilaration of bounding down a hill, Cape aflutter, to slay a half-elf with a foam rubber axe.
Are you with me? All for one and one for Gah! I probably lost 'em at "cape aflutter.
" I can't believe my own friends bailed on me.
I don't know running around the woods, Beating other dudes senseless with foam swords That just sounds like a good time to me.
I even rented them costumes and everything.
You know what? I love stuff like this.
Are you saying you'll go into battle with me? It would be an honor, my lord.
Wow, you may be the only real friend I have.
With this bo staff I dub thee Rudy, my faithful squire.
I can't believe it.
I'm a squire! I'm a squire! I'm a squire! hey come on kickin' it with you! You know, I don't think this squirey thing is for me.
This Turkey leg isn't gonna salt itself.
Dang it, I left my grape juice in the porta-peeper.
What are you waiting for? Go get it.
Aah! Uh! It's so hard to find good squires these days.
Oh, guys, check it out.
I smoothed everything out with Kelsey.
I promised I would never lie to her again, And I got a date with her this afternoon.
- Yeah! - The kid is back in the game.
Whoo! Nerd alert.
Greetings.
We are the dark knights, Warriors known for being brave and ferocious and Ferocious? Sidney, you cried in science when your fruit fly died.
That fruit fly left behind 3,000 babies.
Milton said he put together a band of loyal warriors.
That will finally capture our grail and defeat us.
Huh, like that's going to happen.
Ha ha ha haaaa haaa haa.
Dude dude dude.
That evil laugh is so not working.
Thanks, Benny.
You told me it was intimidating.
Whoa.
Guys, Milton called us his loyal warriors.
Now he's gonna be out there all alone.
Against a flock of dweebs hopped up on honeybuns.
Uh, Jack, are you saying we should go to the park and help him? Because, uh, I I can't.
My aunt Charlotte Yeah, she's coming in from Charlotte.
And we're gonna gowatch "charlotte's Web.
" Wow, I am not good at lying.
Look, Milton's always been there for us.
Jerry, what about the time where you tried to get Kelsey jealous.
By making her think you were dating a cheerleader? Who helped you out? Wow, you're right.
He was there for me.
Did you know that Brian donnelly actually asked him out? - Ugh.
- Eddie, what about you? You hate going to visit your Nana.
That's because she always wants to do things to my hair.
But who always goes with you? I love it.
I'm gonna rock this new look.
Sometimes I think Nana loves him more than me.
And I'm okay with that.
And, Kim, what about that time.
At the st.
Patrick's day concert when you lost your voice? Who got you through that? no more st.
Patrick's day she'll keep her color can't be seen for there's a cruel law against the wearin' of the green.
.
Guys, I think you know what we have to do.
Seriously? Is this really what we have to do? Yes, it is.
Come on, let's go to the park.
I don't get it.
Why do I have to be the princess? I am not swapping.
Hey, lady, eyes up here, okay? Oh, these sexy legs are a curse.
I can't take this anymore.
It's hot, my feet are killing me.
And these elf ears are starting to get sweaty.
You don't get to complain.
We could have stayed on the path to the battlefield, But no, you knew a shortcut through the woods.
This is not a shortcut, Eddie! Relax.
I'm an explorer scout.
I was trained to navigate by the stars.
- Oh, I can help you see the stars.
- Hey hey.
Come on, guys, we have to focus.
Gnomes battle starts in a half-hour.
Hey, it's a groundhog.
Hey.
Well, you're a cute little fella, aren't you? How are you doing? How are you doing? That's not a groundhog, Jerry.
That's a porcupine.
- I wouldn't get too close to it either.
- Uh, thank you, Jack, But I think I know the difference.
Between a groundhog and a porcupine, okay? Hey, are you looking for your mommy or something, cutie? No no? This dumb groundhog thinks he's a porcupine.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go over there.
So, where is this big loyal army you've been bragging about? Yeah, man.
Where are they? I got this, your highness.
Yeah, we may be outnumbered, But my king has the heart of a lion.
And I have the speed of a a You know, those animals with the pointy ears.
- And they're really fast? - A gazelle.
Yeah.
No no.
They're skinny and they don't really run so much as As just bound.
And they kind of go grr! - Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.
- Squire.
Let's just go over the rules.
One: The first team to capture the other's grail.
And place it on the pedestal of glory.
Next to their own is the winner.
Rule two: If you get struck on the chest, you're out.
Cheetah! Sorry, it's the animal I was thinking of earlier.
It just popped into my head.
I sorry, just keep going.
Rule three: No cursing or foul language, Unless it's a medieval word like "zounds.
" Milton, you are better than that.
Eh.
- You've got a little something here.
- Where? - Where were you? - Let's just say I did something I've never had to do before.
And hope I never have to do again.
I felt that way when I had to take my cats' temperature.
They fight it.
Oh, they fight it.
You know what? I just realized I have a g.
P.
S.
On my phone.
- I'll get us out of these woods.
- No no no.
I said I'll get us out and I will.
Explorer scouts do not rely on g.
P.
S.
- Hey, give me that.
- Just Now are you happy? My phone just flew into that log.
Relax, I'll get it.
Hey, I got it.
I think you got a call.
It's starting to buzz.
My phone's not buzzing.
That's a beehive! Aah! That's not mine either! Aah aah aah! - I think I lost them.
- What happened to you? - I had a little mud situation.
- Ugh.
Wow, I really hit my head.
- Is there a bump? - J-just a teeny one.
Dude, your forehead is jacked up.
Rudy, this looks bad.
They'll be coming for our grail soon and I think you should know I probably won't be going home with you.
No, don't you talk like that.
You're so young.
You've got your whole life ahead of you.
No, I won't be going home with you.
Because my mom is picking me up here.
To take me to the orthodontist.
Look, whatever happens down there, It's been an honor to serve under you.
Rudy, I've been thinking.
You're the only one who stood by me.
I hereby dub thee.
Sir Rudy, my faithful knight.
I can't believe this.
It's all happening so fast.
Pretty good for a kid from the wrong side of the tracks.
With nothing but a pocketful of dreams.
Not gonna cry.
Not gonna cry.
Get it together, man.
- We're going into battle.
- Yes.
Charge! I think we finally lost the bees.
Where's Kim and Eddie? Kim got her hair tangled up in a thorn bush.
Eddie's trying to get her out.
It took a while, But I finally got Kim's head out of that bush.
Luckily I have my official explorer scout pocket knife.
Guys, the battlefield's right over there.
Come on.
Eddie, even if you make it out of this battle alive, Kim's gonna kill you.
Wait, that was Kim? I don't think I have much left.
My tights are riding up, I got sunblock in my eye, And if I don't get a potty break soon, Something really bad's gonna happen.
Something better not happen.
Those pantaloons are rented.
Battle on! We must protect the grail at all costs.
It's over, miltonius.
Prepare to taste my foam.
Ow! Who threw that? His army is made of ogres! Those aren't ogres, those are my friends.
Retreat retreat! - You guys made it.
- This may not be our thing, But if it means something to you, Then we're with you, king miltonius.
Thank you.
Who's the dude with the punked-out mullet? All right, guys, hands in.
We've got us a grail to capture.
Wasabi! Charge! Ha! Charge! Aah! Aah! Oh.
Yeah! Don't mess with the Jack.
Y Aah! Yes! Aah! Yeah.
- Victory! - Yeah! Oh! Come on.
Yeah! Way to go, Milton.
You did it.
No, Jack, we did it.
Here you go, Milton.
You've earned your gr My hair.
What happened to my hair? Eddie? You are so dead! Aah! kickin' it with you! Thanks again, guys.
I know you were embarrassed by those costumes.
But don't worry, you'll never have to wear them again.
And no one at school will ever have to know.
You're right, Milton, they don't, But they will.