Kidding (2018) s01e05 Episode Script
The New You
1 [JILL.]
Previously on Kidding Bought the house next to Jill's.
[SEB.]
And why would you do that? [JEFF.]
They need me.
[GAS HISSING.]
[JEFF.]
Did Will do that? When I told him to stop stealing my debit card.
[SCOTT.]
I'm sick, Dee Dee.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Name one happy child of divorce.
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop? We need versions of him we can control.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
Then why are you getting a pedicure? Get me Tara Lipinski.
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! [SEB.]
Yeah, that's it! He's coming back for you! Come on! Don't take that shit, Jeff! Get him! Come on! Get him! Knock his teeth down his throat! [TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
Derrell [WOMAN.]
Check out the new you.
[JEFF CHUCKLES.]
My wife's always saying I should indulge, but they're expensive, aren't they? My manager likes me to close a sale by bending down in front of you to check the toe, and so you can see my chest.
That's when I'm really supposed to say, - "Check out the new you.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
But it feels weird to give Mr.
Pickles the hard sell.
No, no, I like the line.
You can say it again.
But I'll check the toe.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[JEFF.]
So how's your treatment been coming along? [VIVIAN.]
Uh, can you ask me something else? Mm-hmm Ooh! The table keeps wobbling.
Yeah, your elbows.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Are you our Waiter.
Great.
Can I have the porterhouse, please? Rare, like a good vet can save it? I don't need a vegetable.
Also, a basket of truffle cornbread.
Also, a plastic bear of honey.
Thank you.
Oh, you're hungry.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I-I I mean, I haven't been hungry in, like, six months.
Of course.
Sorry.
C-can you come back? I-I don't know what I want yet.
Then why did you call the waiter over? [THUD.]
- [JEFF.]
Good God.
- [VIVIAN.]
Watch your elbows.
- [JEFF.]
Elbows, I know.
- [VIVIAN.]
Yes.
Those pills are just keeping me alive.
Don't worry.
Dinner's on me.
[JEFF.]
No, no, no, you don't have to [THUD.]
do that.
- [GROANS.]
- No, really.
The fine folks at Discover haven't seen my X-rays.
They don't know I'm not paying another bill for the rest of my life.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fat fucking table! [CALM JAZZ MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
What did you just say? I don't know.
I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger, and I don't know where it's coming from or how to stop it.
And every day it grows and grows, and I know I dress like a Mormon and I talk like a monk, but inside, I'm Mount St.
Helens, and it's 1980, and I am magma from the neck down.
[WARM GUITAR MUSIC.]
You're so handsome.
You You're so beautiful.
You From now on, when I text you the letter V, it means I came thinking about you.
[EASYGOING MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I like your knobby knees.
[LAUGHS.]
I like the bend in your shoulder.
I like the space under your chin.
I like the way that your feet touch the carpet.
[JILL MOANS SOFTLY.]
- It's definitely working now.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
That's ASMR Autonomous sensory meridian response.
[WHISPERING.]
Whispering triggers it.
It relaxes you.
[HISSES.]
[LAUGHS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Let the machine get it.
More head tingles, please.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
History's mysteries - [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
- include the Tunguska event - in Russia - [JILL.]
Mm-hmm.
[JEFF ON MACHINE.]
You've reached - Jeff - [JILL.]
Jill - [WILL.]
Will - [PHIL.]
And Phil.
[ALL.]
We're the Pickles! [JEFF.]
Leave a message, pickle pals.
[LAUGHTER, MACHINE BEEPS.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
You've reached Jeff - [JILL.]
Jill - [WILL.]
Will [DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
[JEFF.]
I need you to right-hand Soap Scum.
- Why? - But it's it's not on the schedule.
I wrote a song about clouds.
[SEB.]
What kind of clouds? Clouds made of tears? What are you trying to say with this song? It's just a normal song about normal clouds.
Huh.
[JEFF.]
I think Vivian's my girlfriend.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I like saying that.
It's not appropriate right now, but down the line, you should probably both meet her.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Wow.
Congratulations.
- [SEB.]
Yeah, congratulations.
- That would be great, yeah.
- Wonderful news.
It's a big step.
Oh, he hates me.
Oh, he doesn't do that.
Don't be scared, Hopscotch! They're just clouds! They're rain clouds.
Rain clouds thunder and crash.
I like when clouds are shaped like turtles and bunnies.
But clouds are all made of the same thing water.
Come on, big toes! If I ain't afraid of water, how can you be? I'm closer to the clouds than you.
Not anymore! [PLAYING UPBEAT CHILDREN'S SONG.]
Clouds are just rabbits lost in the sky Chasing the rain as they learn to fly Two parts H, one part O Is it a storm or a gray cotton puff? Wait, they're made of the exact same stuff [BOTH.]
Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know [DEIRDRE, WHISPERING.]
Maybe this woman with the broken phone and the Hodgkin's lymphoma is really helping him turn the corner.
- Maybe this is all he needed.
- Maybe.
[DEIDRE.]
Now he wrote a song about clouds, and it's really just about clouds.
Listen.
Don't be afraid of what you don't know We're gonna have to reshoot this, Dee.
[DEIRDRE.]
Why? He's not wearing a wedding ring.
Mr.
Pickles is married.
To whom? [SEB.]
It doesn't matter.
Mrs.
Pickles.
He's got to put the ring back on.
[DEIRDRE.]
Please don't ask him to do that.
I have to.
But what if this is the start of his upswing? It's not.
Whoo! Or maybe we hold off on Other Jeff, just for the week, see where we are.
She's already in my office, Dee.
I'm sorry.
[SEB.]
I don't have to tell you what happens to a generation of children breast-fed on the electric nipple of technology.
Lack of empathy, inability to create meaningful human connections, war.
It's like someone dropped a toaster in the gene pool.
Every day a child stares at a screen catapults us closer to societal collapse.
Unless Pickles on Ice.
Nothing would make me happier than spreading cheer to A marriage born out of the Puppet Time universe, a story told in the real world with your characters come to life, starring Mr.
Pickles himself, in person, as played by your ideal brand ambassador Olympic gold medalist, Miss Tara Lipinski.
If anyone was born to represent that which you hold most dear, it's this athletic, wholesome young woman.
Yes.
I'm also a spokesperson for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids and the Childhood Leukemia Foundation.
[SEB.]
Oh [ALL MURMURING.]
So, um she, uh, would play me? We, uh, pre-record all dialogue, so it's your voice and her graceful body melting hearts, freezing ice.
Yeah, well I'd like a day to think about it.
No.
[SEB.]
Why not? Because it's my face on another body.
Well, it's all happening.
I hope you'll get on board.
But I said no.
It was 1987.
You told me about this school project, this puppet show you were working on for the OSU TV station.
I said, "Let me build on this.
" You said, "Dad, I don't want a contract.
I want a rule, one rule We give it away.
" That was the Jeff rule, Jeff.
If we gave most of our salaries to charity, I could make all the decisions.
You didn't even want an office.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I said I didn't want a desk.
I have saved the whales.
I have saved the children.
Your sister started a school in Belize for girls with Belizean problems.
All that extra cash goes exactly where you want it to go.
We have abided.
All I'm asking is just this one thing.
Am I right, Dee Dee? Jeff What's one more Jeff? The world needs more Jeffs.
You're not just copying me onto the body of a 30-year-old woman.
You're imbuing her with my full authority.
Her actions become my actions, her mistakes, my mistakes, her mammaries, my mammaries.
W-when you think about it, what's the difference between that and the already internationally licensed versions of the show? In a way, there's already a copy of you in over 20 countries.
There's a difference between Mr.
Pickles-san of Japan or Monsieur Cornichon du France or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
I don't speak those languages.
They wear different-colored ties.
No child is gonna think they're me and I'm them.
But Tara Lipinski would be wearing my skin.
Eh, you're splitting hairs.
No, I'm not.
It's a slippery slope.
What's next, you make a doll of me that'll say whatever you want? [SCOFFS.]
Or a cartoon that's even worse.
Soon you won't need me anymore.
What are you talking about, Jeff? Sometimes I think that's what you want.
Sometimes I know that's what you want.
A talking doll is just commerce, and animating you I hope we don't need to, but that's all gonna depend on your behavior.
[SCOFFS.]
[YELLING.]
Why do you want to replace me? No one is replacing you.
Come on, Jeff.
Come on.
Let's go, and let's meet the writers I hired.
What writers? Rabbi Michael Epstein holds a PhD in child development.
Yeah, I'm a man of God, but I'm also funny.
[SEB.]
Grace Kasaki, a graduate researcher from OSU.
She just published an article in the Journal of Pediatric Sciences The One Thing You Should Never Feed a Child.
- It's wheat.
- [SIGHS.]
[SEB.]
And Shelly Pinsker runs a popular Columbus-area mommy blog.
I'm new to dialogue, but I'm exc [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[DISQUIETING DRUM MUSIC.]
Whew.
[EXHALES IN DISTRESS.]
We've never had writers before.
I'm setting it up in case one day you don't want to do this anymore.
I'm giving you the peace of mind to know all this will continue, regardless.
Regardless of what? How is Will's drug problem? Better? Worse.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't you wish you could spend more time with him? Well, now you can.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
Jeff? What? We also need you to reshoot your cloud song.
Why? Your wedding ring.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
I know we're piling it on today.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[GROANS.]
[JEFF GROANS.]
I was thinking, with the show going through all this healthy upheaval, what harm could it do to introduce m-m-me? Roly Polly, the fearful pill bug.
- I love you, honey.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
You're not a performer.
Bye-bye.
I want to voice a puppet.
You said when Jeff leaves the show, I become the heart of the operation.
No, no.
You're not the heart of anything.
You become the brains, not the heart.
Why can't I be the heart? Oh, yes, now I see.
We're back in our living room.
He's seven, you're eight.
He's belting Streisand in perfect pitch, and you're in the kitchen accidentally dropping frying pans.
You're good at building corpses, Dee Dee.
You're not so great at bringing things to life.
That is Jeff's territory.
- That is not true! - Oh, yes.
It was true when you were a girl and you had Barbie read Emily Dickinson to an empty room, and it was true when you got older, what with the in vitro.
Wow.
I'm not inventing a theme here.
I'm exposing one.
You're good at the quiet arts, like conveying disdain.
See? Please, can I puppet the pill bug? I need it.
I need it.
I need something for myself.
My marriage is falling apart.
It just feels that way because you dislike each other.
I think Scott might be gay.
Oh, no, he's not.
Trust me.
I'm a Navy man.
You're fine, Dee Dee.
Jeff's breaking down, but you're doing great.
Okay? [QUIETLY.]
Okay.
My name is Roly Polly.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
[LIGHT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Whoo.
Mickey Foyerstein.
Who? Oh, t-this kid who got kidnapped by an ice cream man.
At first, I heard he got to eat any ice cream bar for free, so I was jealous.
Then I heard he got molested, and I was like, "Ah, sucks.
" Did you know him? Nah, but I've been trying to think of his name ever since I learned that that old dude's been creeping on us in his creep coupe.
You, kid.
Get in the car.
Okay.
[GIGS.]
Don't do it, man! Think of Mickey.
Or else he would have lost his innocence for nothing! - Okay, look me in the eye.
- Hello! Help! Where's the weed? - I, uh, don't have any.
- Somebody! Help! You don't have any? What the hell are we gonna smoke? He's gonna touch your genitals! Listen! [WHISPERING.]
I'm so glad you're here with me tonight.
I really missed you.
I saw my mom and Peter watching this earlier.
Here.
[WOMAN.]
There was some stuff going on.
I hate this.
[WHISPERING.]
Do you want me to turn it off? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
No.
[WOMAN.]
I just want to cook you some pasta, then twirl it around on the plate.
Boy, this is some dank ganj, huh? What? You like it? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
- Good.
'Cause that's the last time you're ever gonna smoke weed, kid.
You are breaking your father's heart with this shit, you understand me? You're breaking his heart.
[WOMAN HISSING, WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
What about behind the school? Nah, man.
That's a total no-go.
Special Ed is practicing archery in the woods.
[LIGHT STRING MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Want to come get blazed? We don't know where yet.
Archery day, huh? Yeah, all week.
The woods are not safe.
No, man, I'm actually, you know, trying to eat healthier, smoke less.
Oh.
Same.
Whatever, lesbians.
There you go.
Ah, dope kicks.
I like the way I feel in them.
- They're dope kicks.
- [LAUGHS.]
[ELEGANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
When I want to let it out [SIGHS.]
sometimes I go swimming, see how long I can hold my breath.
One time, I blacked out.
Good thing there was a lifeguard on duty.
[VIVIAN AND JEFF LAUGH.]
[JEFF.]
Or sometimes, I'll, uh, blow really hard into a harmonica.
- That's really good.
- [VIVIAN GIGGLES.]
When I was Will's age, I'd go skating.
Skate it off.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Well, you're pretty good at it.
Yeah.
I'm no Olympian yet.
Oh.
Well, I don't think you want to tour meth country in an ice show.
No, but I don't like that he can make another me.
I like to feel necessary.
[LIGHT MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
There's a really great quote from the Y-Yajurveda.
It's a Hindu text.
It'll solve all your problems.
It says "Punch your fucking father in the face.
" [STIFLED LAUGH.]
Do you know how many people I've punched in the face ever since I stopped caring about going to jail? Three, including my oncologist.
Mm-hmm.
- [WOMAN.]
Six dollars for a slice of pizza? - Wow.
That's, like, a $30 meal.
Who comes in here that can afford that? My boss says global warming iced out the tomato crops this year, so - Can you hang on a sec? - [BOY.]
Can you just please stop yelling at me? Excuse me.
Whatever anybody wants for the rest of the day is free.
Like, start a tab? I don't don't think I'm allowed to do that.
Sure you can.
Give this to yourself.
It feels wonderful.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WOMAN.]
Thank you, Mr.
Pickles.
- [BOY.]
Thanks, dude.
- [MAN.]
Thanks, Mr.
Pickles.
[CHUCKLES.]
Saving the world.
[LAUGHS.]
Nah - feeding it.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I asked my parents to come up for a week after my next round.
They said it was too cold.
- [SCOFFS.]
- They live in Jersey.
Well this is a difficult time for them, too.
They're afraid to know a world without you.
No, they're upset that I went with the recommendations of my doctors and not something that my dad found on WebMD.
Sorry, your card's been declined.
I-it keeps giving me the code you get when they place a hold on it due to suspicious activity.
[SIGHS.]
Will.
[FAST-PACED MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
Do you take Discover? [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
May I enter the residence? Yeah, just wipe your feet.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[JILL ON MACHINE.]
Hi.
You've reached Jill and Will.
[PETER.]
And sometimes Peter.
[JILL.]
Please leave a message after the tone.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Have you been using my debit card? I don't think so.
You haven't used it to buy anything online or anything like that? No.
I promise.
A plumber was applying for a job in a building.
The building manager said, "Are you a good plumber?" And the plumber said, "Yes, I'm the best plumber.
" The building manager asked "Have you ever made a mistake?" And the plumber said, "Never.
" "Then how can I hire you?" the manager replied.
"If you make a mistake, you won't know how to fix it.
" [SIGHS.]
That doesn't make any sense.
Why would the plumber need to know how to fix a mistake if his whole thing is that he never makes them? Everybody makes mistakes.
Oh, so the plumber was lying? That's not what I'm saying.
Well, if he isn't lying, then it seems pretty unfair that he's getting passed up for a worse plumber just because the manager has a fetish for fuckups.
- Will! - I didn't use your debit card.
Our words have power.
- If you're not careful - Shut up! Stop talking! Stop with the lessons! We get it! You always know what to say! I'm sorry.
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
I want you to listen.
I'm your dad.
I'm always listening.
Doesn't matter.
Poppy already sat me down and told me everything you're probably gonna say any He what? When? Yesterday, and it took him about five words to say what takes you 100.
He's not me.
Peter's not me.
Tara Lipinski's not me.
Whatever.
Please don't send Poppy to kidnap me.
He's old, and he scares my friends.
I need to talk to him.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[RUMBLING DRUM MUSIC.]
God damn it.
Hey, did you accidentally text me a bunch of Js this morning? You know, I'm always on your side, no matter what, and I just I can't wait to meet Vivian.
She seems really cool.
And, you know, they're always curing new stuff.
[DEIRDRE.]
Do you think I have a heart? [GRUNTING.]
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! [TENSE MUSIC.]
[BELL DINGS, ECHOES.]
Hi, I'm Jeff.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[WOMAN.]
Hello, this is Citibank, early fraud detection department.
A suspicious transaction in the amount of $678.
43 was charged to Bartleby's Shoes on Sunday, October 14th.
Please press one to confirm you made this transaction.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
On your way to archery, retard? I know a place where we can light up.
- I thought you quit.
- [WILL.]
Whatever.
- Whose house is this? - Yeah.
My new invisible neighbor.
- [CASSIDY.]
It's empty? - [WILL.]
Yeah.
No one moved in.
It's just sitting here.
[JEFF AND PUPPETS.]
Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know [JEFF.]
They're up there, it's just vapor and air Even the thunder is made from air [HOPSCOTCH.]
But could a cloud Get too heavy and fall? [JEFF.]
No, there's nothing to be scared of At all There's nothing Et voilà .
[JEFF.]
to be scared of At all [HISSING.]
[KUMISOLO'S "PING PONG MACHINE" PLAYING.]
Endurance et fureur ping pong machine Discipline, efforts et ardeur Ping pong pang pong machine Endurance et fureur ping pong machine, machine Discipline efforts et ardeur Ping pong pang pong machine Endurance et fureur ping pong machine
Previously on Kidding Bought the house next to Jill's.
[SEB.]
And why would you do that? [JEFF.]
They need me.
[GAS HISSING.]
[JEFF.]
Did Will do that? When I told him to stop stealing my debit card.
[SCOTT.]
I'm sick, Dee Dee.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Name one happy child of divorce.
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop? We need versions of him we can control.
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
Then why are you getting a pedicure? Get me Tara Lipinski.
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! [SEB.]
Yeah, that's it! He's coming back for you! Come on! Don't take that shit, Jeff! Get him! Come on! Get him! Knock his teeth down his throat! [TRANQUIL MUSIC.]
Derrell [WOMAN.]
Check out the new you.
[JEFF CHUCKLES.]
My wife's always saying I should indulge, but they're expensive, aren't they? My manager likes me to close a sale by bending down in front of you to check the toe, and so you can see my chest.
That's when I'm really supposed to say, - "Check out the new you.
" - [CHUCKLES.]
But it feels weird to give Mr.
Pickles the hard sell.
No, no, I like the line.
You can say it again.
But I'll check the toe.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[JEFF.]
So how's your treatment been coming along? [VIVIAN.]
Uh, can you ask me something else? Mm-hmm Ooh! The table keeps wobbling.
Yeah, your elbows.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Are you our Waiter.
Great.
Can I have the porterhouse, please? Rare, like a good vet can save it? I don't need a vegetable.
Also, a basket of truffle cornbread.
Also, a plastic bear of honey.
Thank you.
Oh, you're hungry.
[LAUGHS.]
No, I-I I mean, I haven't been hungry in, like, six months.
Of course.
Sorry.
C-can you come back? I-I don't know what I want yet.
Then why did you call the waiter over? [THUD.]
- [JEFF.]
Good God.
- [VIVIAN.]
Watch your elbows.
- [JEFF.]
Elbows, I know.
- [VIVIAN.]
Yes.
Those pills are just keeping me alive.
Don't worry.
Dinner's on me.
[JEFF.]
No, no, no, you don't have to [THUD.]
do that.
- [GROANS.]
- No, really.
The fine folks at Discover haven't seen my X-rays.
They don't know I'm not paying another bill for the rest of my life.
[CHUCKLES.]
Fat fucking table! [CALM JAZZ MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
What did you just say? I don't know.
I have a tremendous amount of pent-up anger, and I don't know where it's coming from or how to stop it.
And every day it grows and grows, and I know I dress like a Mormon and I talk like a monk, but inside, I'm Mount St.
Helens, and it's 1980, and I am magma from the neck down.
[WARM GUITAR MUSIC.]
You're so handsome.
You You're so beautiful.
You From now on, when I text you the letter V, it means I came thinking about you.
[EASYGOING MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
[WHISPERING.]
I like your knobby knees.
[LAUGHS.]
I like the bend in your shoulder.
I like the space under your chin.
I like the way that your feet touch the carpet.
[JILL MOANS SOFTLY.]
- It's definitely working now.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[NORMAL VOICE.]
That's ASMR Autonomous sensory meridian response.
[WHISPERING.]
Whispering triggers it.
It relaxes you.
[HISSES.]
[LAUGHS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Let the machine get it.
More head tingles, please.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Okay.
[WHISPERING.]
History's mysteries - [PHONE CONTINUES RINGING.]
- include the Tunguska event - in Russia - [JILL.]
Mm-hmm.
[JEFF ON MACHINE.]
You've reached - Jeff - [JILL.]
Jill - [WILL.]
Will - [PHIL.]
And Phil.
[ALL.]
We're the Pickles! [JEFF.]
Leave a message, pickle pals.
[LAUGHTER, MACHINE BEEPS.]
[SOFT MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
You've reached Jeff - [JILL.]
Jill - [WILL.]
Will [DOOR OPENS.]
[SIGHS.]
[JEFF.]
I need you to right-hand Soap Scum.
- Why? - But it's it's not on the schedule.
I wrote a song about clouds.
[SEB.]
What kind of clouds? Clouds made of tears? What are you trying to say with this song? It's just a normal song about normal clouds.
Huh.
[JEFF.]
I think Vivian's my girlfriend.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
I like saying that.
It's not appropriate right now, but down the line, you should probably both meet her.
- [DEIRDRE.]
Wow.
Congratulations.
- [SEB.]
Yeah, congratulations.
- That would be great, yeah.
- Wonderful news.
It's a big step.
Oh, he hates me.
Oh, he doesn't do that.
Don't be scared, Hopscotch! They're just clouds! They're rain clouds.
Rain clouds thunder and crash.
I like when clouds are shaped like turtles and bunnies.
But clouds are all made of the same thing water.
Come on, big toes! If I ain't afraid of water, how can you be? I'm closer to the clouds than you.
Not anymore! [PLAYING UPBEAT CHILDREN'S SONG.]
Clouds are just rabbits lost in the sky Chasing the rain as they learn to fly Two parts H, one part O Is it a storm or a gray cotton puff? Wait, they're made of the exact same stuff [BOTH.]
Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know [DEIRDRE, WHISPERING.]
Maybe this woman with the broken phone and the Hodgkin's lymphoma is really helping him turn the corner.
- Maybe this is all he needed.
- Maybe.
[DEIDRE.]
Now he wrote a song about clouds, and it's really just about clouds.
Listen.
Don't be afraid of what you don't know We're gonna have to reshoot this, Dee.
[DEIRDRE.]
Why? He's not wearing a wedding ring.
Mr.
Pickles is married.
To whom? [SEB.]
It doesn't matter.
Mrs.
Pickles.
He's got to put the ring back on.
[DEIRDRE.]
Please don't ask him to do that.
I have to.
But what if this is the start of his upswing? It's not.
Whoo! Or maybe we hold off on Other Jeff, just for the week, see where we are.
She's already in my office, Dee.
I'm sorry.
[SEB.]
I don't have to tell you what happens to a generation of children breast-fed on the electric nipple of technology.
Lack of empathy, inability to create meaningful human connections, war.
It's like someone dropped a toaster in the gene pool.
Every day a child stares at a screen catapults us closer to societal collapse.
Unless Pickles on Ice.
Nothing would make me happier than spreading cheer to A marriage born out of the Puppet Time universe, a story told in the real world with your characters come to life, starring Mr.
Pickles himself, in person, as played by your ideal brand ambassador Olympic gold medalist, Miss Tara Lipinski.
If anyone was born to represent that which you hold most dear, it's this athletic, wholesome young woman.
Yes.
I'm also a spokesperson for the Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids and the Childhood Leukemia Foundation.
[SEB.]
Oh [ALL MURMURING.]
So, um she, uh, would play me? We, uh, pre-record all dialogue, so it's your voice and her graceful body melting hearts, freezing ice.
Yeah, well I'd like a day to think about it.
No.
[SEB.]
Why not? Because it's my face on another body.
Well, it's all happening.
I hope you'll get on board.
But I said no.
It was 1987.
You told me about this school project, this puppet show you were working on for the OSU TV station.
I said, "Let me build on this.
" You said, "Dad, I don't want a contract.
I want a rule, one rule We give it away.
" That was the Jeff rule, Jeff.
If we gave most of our salaries to charity, I could make all the decisions.
You didn't even want an office.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I said I didn't want a desk.
I have saved the whales.
I have saved the children.
Your sister started a school in Belize for girls with Belizean problems.
All that extra cash goes exactly where you want it to go.
We have abided.
All I'm asking is just this one thing.
Am I right, Dee Dee? Jeff What's one more Jeff? The world needs more Jeffs.
You're not just copying me onto the body of a 30-year-old woman.
You're imbuing her with my full authority.
Her actions become my actions, her mistakes, my mistakes, her mammaries, my mammaries.
W-when you think about it, what's the difference between that and the already internationally licensed versions of the show? In a way, there's already a copy of you in over 20 countries.
There's a difference between Mr.
Pickles-san of Japan or Monsieur Cornichon du France or Herr Gherkin von Deutschland.
I don't speak those languages.
They wear different-colored ties.
No child is gonna think they're me and I'm them.
But Tara Lipinski would be wearing my skin.
Eh, you're splitting hairs.
No, I'm not.
It's a slippery slope.
What's next, you make a doll of me that'll say whatever you want? [SCOFFS.]
Or a cartoon that's even worse.
Soon you won't need me anymore.
What are you talking about, Jeff? Sometimes I think that's what you want.
Sometimes I know that's what you want.
A talking doll is just commerce, and animating you I hope we don't need to, but that's all gonna depend on your behavior.
[SCOFFS.]
[YELLING.]
Why do you want to replace me? No one is replacing you.
Come on, Jeff.
Come on.
Let's go, and let's meet the writers I hired.
What writers? Rabbi Michael Epstein holds a PhD in child development.
Yeah, I'm a man of God, but I'm also funny.
[SEB.]
Grace Kasaki, a graduate researcher from OSU.
She just published an article in the Journal of Pediatric Sciences The One Thing You Should Never Feed a Child.
- It's wheat.
- [SIGHS.]
[SEB.]
And Shelly Pinsker runs a popular Columbus-area mommy blog.
I'm new to dialogue, but I'm exc [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[DISQUIETING DRUM MUSIC.]
Whew.
[EXHALES IN DISTRESS.]
We've never had writers before.
I'm setting it up in case one day you don't want to do this anymore.
I'm giving you the peace of mind to know all this will continue, regardless.
Regardless of what? How is Will's drug problem? Better? Worse.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't you wish you could spend more time with him? Well, now you can.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[SIGHS.]
Jeff? What? We also need you to reshoot your cloud song.
Why? Your wedding ring.
I'm sorry, kiddo.
I know we're piling it on today.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[GROANS.]
[JEFF GROANS.]
I was thinking, with the show going through all this healthy upheaval, what harm could it do to introduce m-m-me? Roly Polly, the fearful pill bug.
- I love you, honey.
- [KEYS CLACKING.]
You're not a performer.
Bye-bye.
I want to voice a puppet.
You said when Jeff leaves the show, I become the heart of the operation.
No, no.
You're not the heart of anything.
You become the brains, not the heart.
Why can't I be the heart? Oh, yes, now I see.
We're back in our living room.
He's seven, you're eight.
He's belting Streisand in perfect pitch, and you're in the kitchen accidentally dropping frying pans.
You're good at building corpses, Dee Dee.
You're not so great at bringing things to life.
That is Jeff's territory.
- That is not true! - Oh, yes.
It was true when you were a girl and you had Barbie read Emily Dickinson to an empty room, and it was true when you got older, what with the in vitro.
Wow.
I'm not inventing a theme here.
I'm exposing one.
You're good at the quiet arts, like conveying disdain.
See? Please, can I puppet the pill bug? I need it.
I need it.
I need something for myself.
My marriage is falling apart.
It just feels that way because you dislike each other.
I think Scott might be gay.
Oh, no, he's not.
Trust me.
I'm a Navy man.
You're fine, Dee Dee.
Jeff's breaking down, but you're doing great.
Okay? [QUIETLY.]
Okay.
My name is Roly Polly.
[SIGHS.]
[CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
[LIGHT DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- - [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
[CELL PHONE BUZZES.]
Whoo.
Mickey Foyerstein.
Who? Oh, t-this kid who got kidnapped by an ice cream man.
At first, I heard he got to eat any ice cream bar for free, so I was jealous.
Then I heard he got molested, and I was like, "Ah, sucks.
" Did you know him? Nah, but I've been trying to think of his name ever since I learned that that old dude's been creeping on us in his creep coupe.
You, kid.
Get in the car.
Okay.
[GIGS.]
Don't do it, man! Think of Mickey.
Or else he would have lost his innocence for nothing! - Okay, look me in the eye.
- Hello! Help! Where's the weed? - I, uh, don't have any.
- Somebody! Help! You don't have any? What the hell are we gonna smoke? He's gonna touch your genitals! Listen! [WHISPERING.]
I'm so glad you're here with me tonight.
I really missed you.
I saw my mom and Peter watching this earlier.
Here.
[WOMAN.]
There was some stuff going on.
I hate this.
[WHISPERING.]
Do you want me to turn it off? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
No.
[WOMAN.]
I just want to cook you some pasta, then twirl it around on the plate.
Boy, this is some dank ganj, huh? What? You like it? - [LAUGHING.]
Yeah.
- Good.
'Cause that's the last time you're ever gonna smoke weed, kid.
You are breaking your father's heart with this shit, you understand me? You're breaking his heart.
[WOMAN HISSING, WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
What about behind the school? Nah, man.
That's a total no-go.
Special Ed is practicing archery in the woods.
[LIGHT STRING MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Want to come get blazed? We don't know where yet.
Archery day, huh? Yeah, all week.
The woods are not safe.
No, man, I'm actually, you know, trying to eat healthier, smoke less.
Oh.
Same.
Whatever, lesbians.
There you go.
Ah, dope kicks.
I like the way I feel in them.
- They're dope kicks.
- [LAUGHS.]
[ELEGANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.]
[JEFF.]
When I want to let it out [SIGHS.]
sometimes I go swimming, see how long I can hold my breath.
One time, I blacked out.
Good thing there was a lifeguard on duty.
[VIVIAN AND JEFF LAUGH.]
[JEFF.]
Or sometimes, I'll, uh, blow really hard into a harmonica.
- That's really good.
- [VIVIAN GIGGLES.]
When I was Will's age, I'd go skating.
Skate it off.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Well, you're pretty good at it.
Yeah.
I'm no Olympian yet.
Oh.
Well, I don't think you want to tour meth country in an ice show.
No, but I don't like that he can make another me.
I like to feel necessary.
[LIGHT MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
There's a really great quote from the Y-Yajurveda.
It's a Hindu text.
It'll solve all your problems.
It says "Punch your fucking father in the face.
" [STIFLED LAUGH.]
Do you know how many people I've punched in the face ever since I stopped caring about going to jail? Three, including my oncologist.
Mm-hmm.
- [WOMAN.]
Six dollars for a slice of pizza? - Wow.
That's, like, a $30 meal.
Who comes in here that can afford that? My boss says global warming iced out the tomato crops this year, so - Can you hang on a sec? - [BOY.]
Can you just please stop yelling at me? Excuse me.
Whatever anybody wants for the rest of the day is free.
Like, start a tab? I don't don't think I'm allowed to do that.
Sure you can.
Give this to yourself.
It feels wonderful.
[CHUCKLES.]
[WOMAN.]
Thank you, Mr.
Pickles.
- [BOY.]
Thanks, dude.
- [MAN.]
Thanks, Mr.
Pickles.
[CHUCKLES.]
Saving the world.
[LAUGHS.]
Nah - feeding it.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
I asked my parents to come up for a week after my next round.
They said it was too cold.
- [SCOFFS.]
- They live in Jersey.
Well this is a difficult time for them, too.
They're afraid to know a world without you.
No, they're upset that I went with the recommendations of my doctors and not something that my dad found on WebMD.
Sorry, your card's been declined.
I-it keeps giving me the code you get when they place a hold on it due to suspicious activity.
[SIGHS.]
Will.
[FAST-PACED MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS.]
Do you take Discover? [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
May I enter the residence? Yeah, just wipe your feet.
[PHONE RINGING.]
[JILL ON MACHINE.]
Hi.
You've reached Jill and Will.
[PETER.]
And sometimes Peter.
[JILL.]
Please leave a message after the tone.
[MACHINE BEEPS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Have you been using my debit card? I don't think so.
You haven't used it to buy anything online or anything like that? No.
I promise.
A plumber was applying for a job in a building.
The building manager said, "Are you a good plumber?" And the plumber said, "Yes, I'm the best plumber.
" The building manager asked "Have you ever made a mistake?" And the plumber said, "Never.
" "Then how can I hire you?" the manager replied.
"If you make a mistake, you won't know how to fix it.
" [SIGHS.]
That doesn't make any sense.
Why would the plumber need to know how to fix a mistake if his whole thing is that he never makes them? Everybody makes mistakes.
Oh, so the plumber was lying? That's not what I'm saying.
Well, if he isn't lying, then it seems pretty unfair that he's getting passed up for a worse plumber just because the manager has a fetish for fuckups.
- Will! - I didn't use your debit card.
Our words have power.
- If you're not careful - Shut up! Stop talking! Stop with the lessons! We get it! You always know what to say! I'm sorry.
Sometimes I don't want you to talk.
I want you to listen.
I'm your dad.
I'm always listening.
Doesn't matter.
Poppy already sat me down and told me everything you're probably gonna say any He what? When? Yesterday, and it took him about five words to say what takes you 100.
He's not me.
Peter's not me.
Tara Lipinski's not me.
Whatever.
Please don't send Poppy to kidnap me.
He's old, and he scares my friends.
I need to talk to him.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
[RUMBLING DRUM MUSIC.]
God damn it.
Hey, did you accidentally text me a bunch of Js this morning? You know, I'm always on your side, no matter what, and I just I can't wait to meet Vivian.
She seems really cool.
And, you know, they're always curing new stuff.
[DEIRDRE.]
Do you think I have a heart? [GRUNTING.]
Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! Tear that little shit apart, Jeffrey! [TENSE MUSIC.]
[BELL DINGS, ECHOES.]
Hi, I'm Jeff.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[WOMAN.]
Hello, this is Citibank, early fraud detection department.
A suspicious transaction in the amount of $678.
43 was charged to Bartleby's Shoes on Sunday, October 14th.
Please press one to confirm you made this transaction.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS.]
On your way to archery, retard? I know a place where we can light up.
- I thought you quit.
- [WILL.]
Whatever.
- Whose house is this? - Yeah.
My new invisible neighbor.
- [CASSIDY.]
It's empty? - [WILL.]
Yeah.
No one moved in.
It's just sitting here.
[JEFF AND PUPPETS.]
Two parts H, one part O Don't be afraid of what you don't know [JEFF.]
They're up there, it's just vapor and air Even the thunder is made from air [HOPSCOTCH.]
But could a cloud Get too heavy and fall? [JEFF.]
No, there's nothing to be scared of At all There's nothing Et voilà .
[JEFF.]
to be scared of At all [HISSING.]
[KUMISOLO'S "PING PONG MACHINE" PLAYING.]
Endurance et fureur ping pong machine Discipline, efforts et ardeur Ping pong pang pong machine Endurance et fureur ping pong machine, machine Discipline efforts et ardeur Ping pong pang pong machine Endurance et fureur ping pong machine