Kirstie (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Kirstie is taped before a live studio audience.
Morning, Thelma.
What are you doing? Scratch-offs.
It's my only ticket outta here.
That's it, I quit.
That woman no understand "no" means "no.
" - I was reaching for the pepper mill.
- In my pants? I don't know where you keep it! Thanks for playing "You've Been Groped by a Celebrity.
" - I really am gonna miss his sticky buns.
- Yeah, you and me both.
Hey, Maddie, uh, do you feel like maybe hanging out today? I saw there's a street art exhibit at Moma.
Or, Prada is having a big handbag sale.
Doesn't that sound, like, a thousand times funner? That doesn't even sound two times funner.
Hey, the lobby is crawling with paparazzi.
They thought I was Roberto Benigni.
They're not gonna go away until they get a glimpse of their Madison Banks.
Damn you, life in a fishbowl.
Thelma, go out and tell them that they can only have two photos, - and then they've got to leave.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, three cherries! You go tell 'em, Banks.
I'm free! Um, that's actually an apple.
Two photos.
Right away, boss.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're not even here for you.
Kathy Griffin is looking at the penthouse next door.
Kathy Griffin? That publicity-starved troll? She is awesome.
Anyone who can make Ryan Seacrest cry is okay in my book.
I can't believe Kathy Griffin might be our neighbor.
You see? Even Arlo is outraged.
Outraged? No, I love her.
And why are you so upset? Oh, is it because she's a bigger star than you? And with that, little Arlo was given up for adoption a second time.
Season 1, Episode 5 "The Girl Next Door" How long can a normal person look at an empty apartment? I wouldn't know.
I don't work with the normal.
Well, look at that.
Been here five minutes, already I have a stalker.
I'm sorry.
You probably didn't recognize me.
- Madison Banks, theatrical legend.
- Kathy Griffin, today's news.
Yes.
I know who you are.
You're the one who got famous making fun of the actual famous.
All the way to the bank, bitch.
Oh, my God, I love you! - Love you, too, baby.
- Thank you.
Uh, not you, you.
Kathy Griffin, I've seen your show, like, so many times.
You and your boyfriend? - No, I'm straight.
- You're the one! This is my son, Arlo.
We were just reunited, and now we're inseparable.
He's just so excited that I am a Broadway star.
Actually, I'd never heard of her.
Maddie, you've gotta get a picture of me and Kathy Griffin.
Sure.
Just make sure you post it everywhere.
Okay.
Oh, my God, that's awesome.
I've gotta show Thelma and Frank, and put this up on Facebook.
Yeah.
It probably won't get as many likes as the one of me with my Tony.
He's just always talking about me and my Tony award.
Oh, for "Best Performance by a" I'm gonna try "Woman"? Anyway, I'm gonna meet with my real estate agent.
I'm gonna put in an offer on this place.
Oh, so you're thinking about buying this apartment? Well, you know what? The forensics team did a great job in cleaning it up.
You know, they managed to scrub "I'll be back" off the bedroom wall.
Oh, so much death Well, if you're gonna be murdered, you might as well have a park view.
- Well, it's your funeral, Kathy Griffin.
- Mmhmm.
And I thought Mariah Carey was the crazy one.
Kathy Griffin is gonna take the apartment.
Now I'll become the butt of every joke in her act.
Relax.
400 famous people would have to die for you to end up in her act.
Are you sure I can't offer anyone any champagne, or caviar? - It's 10:00 in the morning.
- I have 10:15.
So, Ms.
Banks, what's this so-called emergency? As heads of the co-op board, we don't normally make house calls.
I hear you.
Why are you bowing? Out of respect, number-one neighbor.
Well, so far, you've offered me champagne, caviar, and racism.
- What else is on the menu? - My concerns.
About the trashy, Hollywood element that would be around this building if Kathy Griffin moves in.
I said, "If Kathy Griffin moves in.
" We couldn't get near the building, with all the paparazzi and trashy, Hollywood element yelling for Kathy Griffin.
What's this gonna do to our property values? - I was supposed to say that part.
- No, you weren't.
Go on, Thelma.
Tell them what happened next.
They ripped my blouse! I felt so violated! See? How do you like it? Well, as much as this wasn't fun, I think we're done here.
No, no, no.
You can't approve her.
Please, as one mother to another.
- I can't have children.
- Oh.
Well, you could adopt.
- You can get one that looks just like - Shut it down.
For your information, we've already approved Kathy Griffin's application.
She's moving in this weekend.
Well, if she's moving in, then I'm moving out.
Great.
They ripped my blouse! I felt so violated! I told you we needed more rehearsal! Come on, Maddie.
That's the beauty of New York.
You never see your neighbors.
That family below us, they had a bear in their apartment.
For a year, you thought it was your stomach growling.
You work at night, she works all the time.
You're never even gonna catch a glimpse of her.
Oh, yeah, really? Well, what about her stupid housewarming party? "Girls, gays, and gimlets.
" We got invited to her movie night, too.
"Chicks, flicks, and dicks.
" See, now we have theme parties and rhyming.
I do not like the direction this building is headed in.
Oh, hi.
Where have you been? I was just having coffee with Kathy Griffin.
Oh, so now she's Kathy Griffin.
She was always Kathy Griffin.
Then we went to go see that exhibit at Moma.
Moma? But I'm your moma.
- You said you didn't want to go.
- I don't remember saying it like that.
And get this after I told her about how you got me fired from my last job, she said she can get me hired backstage on her next comedy special.
I mean, how lucky are we that she's moving in next door? I can't believe it.
I've been trying to connect with that kid for years.
He's been here a month.
Really? Just a month? Well, whatever.
It seems like we would have found something in common by now.
I mean, what does he see in Kathy Griffin? Well, she's young and hip and makes people laugh.
Well, I'm Make people laugh.
She means intentionally.
Oh, please.
She makes fun of celebrities.
How hard can that be? Hey, Lindsay Lohan, why don't you go to a party and have some liquor? Ka-pow! Gimme another one.
Meat Loaf.
That's who you give me? Maddie, Arlo loves you.
There is no way that woman can replace you.
- Right, Frank? - Yeah, yeah.
When you think about it Right, you've already been replaced by his adoptive mother.
Oh, my God, life is so cruel.
I'm being abandoned by the kid I abandoned.
I want my son back.
Roddy McDowall.
What? No, I'm giving you another shot! - What? - Maddie You haven't lost him.
That's ridiculous.
So why doesn't he want to hang out with me? Look, if anything, you should be happy that your 26-year-old son doesn't want to go handbag shopping with his ma.
Why don't you do something he loves.
Something he loves? You really think it's safe to do a Civil War reenactment in Central Park, at night? With swords? It's safer than without a sword.
Come on, you know that Arlo loves all this nerdy crap.
I mean, he has these reenactments every weekend.
Remember when we had to pick him up in Gettysburg 'cause somebody stole his pants? Halt, who goes there? A dirty German? Wrong war, Professor.
- Hey, look at you guys.
- Yeah, Arlo, go get dressed.
We're gonna go in the Park, and we're gonna reenact that famous battle of "Two-lamps-ah.
" As pivotal as that battle was, I was just on my way out to go for a little walk.
Or maybe a run.
Wait a minute, you don't run.
You would not run if a giant ball was rolling at you.
Okay, fine.
I was gonna go over to Kathy Griffin's party.
- I know you're not crazy about her - No, no, no, it's fine.
If that's where you wanna go, it's fine.
Go.
Okay, great.
Well, don't wait up.
And, for the record, those are not period-correct, but Beat it, nerd.
God Why would he want to go hang out at some celebrity party, when he could hang out with his own mother when she's dressed like a man? Yeah, he's weird that way.
That's it.
I give up.
Now I have to sit here, listening to that thumping music from Kathy Griffin's housewarming party.
Thelma, go call in a noise complaint.
Say you heard gunshots! I'll take care of it.
This is a job for the General.
And if I don't come back, tell my kids I died a coward! So I told Justin Bieber take his shirt off, and I told Miley, "Cut your hair.
" This is hilarious.
You should put that in your act.
Honey, this is my act.
You each owe me 32.
50.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, man.
F-Troop, glad you made it.
- Where's Norma Desmond? - She's next door.
She's trying to get some rest, and you've got to is that a Banana Daiquiri? You want a shrimp puff? Uh, no, no, don't distract me, because I need you to Is that guy doing close-up magic? I love to be fooled.
Something tells me that's not that hard to do.
So what do you want? Well, Maddie, she needs you to do something about oh.
Oh, I love this song.
Come on! Crank it up! Yeah! Man The music just got louder.
Are you bopping? They said the rhythm was gonna get me, and it did.
You think Arlo's having fun over there? Probably not.
Wait, you got to hear this.
So a few days ago, I see Maddie taking out her trash.
I'm not saying she's a big drinker, but I redeemed her vodka bottles and bought a new Jaguar.
How about this kid, who she gave up for adoption, and was crazy enough to get back with her? - I mean, what are you thinking? - I don't know! She makes me sleep in a gift-wrapping room! And she's never even given anyone a gift! If I hear Arlo laugh one more time Wow, this is really upsetting you.
You know what? I'm going next door, and I'm gonna bring him back.
No, don't.
If he wants to be over there, let him be over there.
Let's just be adults about this.
Maddie, what are you doing? Are you crazy? I have got to hear what that red-headed devil is saying to my son.
Get up here, Thelma.
I don't want to get up there! I'm afraid of heights! That's not even a real thing.
- Come on, I need you for balance.
- Oh, my I miss when the Civil War thing was the dumbest idea of the night.
- Mary and Joseph! - Oh, stop it! You're Jewish.
Here we go.
Don't look down, just look up.
Just look up.
Hey, look at those people over there.
Are they having sex? Either that, or he's killing her.
Oh, well.
None of our business.
Okay, almost there.
Thelma, oh, my God, stop pulling on me! You're gonna make me lose my balance.
- Sorry, I'm trying not to die! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Maddie, Thelma, are you guys okay? I'm alive! You owe me some serious overtime! Oh, my God.
The movie of my life, flashed before my eyes.
I was so good I should have been nominated.
Oh, nice of you to drop in.
I think I got my piano up here the same way.
- What are you laughing at? - Well, she just compared you to a pi Nothing.
Lucila, please get spider-man and her friend some hors d'oeuvres.
This is my chef.
I couldn't live without her.
A female chef? What's the point? Unless that's your "thang.
" - Shrimp puff? - Uh, shrimp puff Uh, yeah, that's me.
I also answer to crab cake and muffin top.
Oh, you're so funny.
I'm Arlo.
I live right over there.
Penthouse "B.
" I'm Lucila.
Hey, have you taken a gift bag? You know, this party's sponsored by Suave Professionals.
It creates brilliant salon-style shine, right in your own home.
- Hey, Arlo.
- Uh, not now, Griffin.
Right.
You like chicks.
Oh, look at this.
Arlo found a new, shiny object.
And I think I just solved my problem.
- I'm an evil genius.
- Well, you're half right.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hey, uh, no breakfast for me.
- Kathy and I are going to - Hello, crab cake.
Oh! Hi - What is she doing here? - She's our new chef.
You're welcome.
Oh, didn't you need to scurry off to your new best friend, Kathy Griffin? Who? Uhm No, no, I was coming to join you guys for breakfast.
- Frank, scooch over.
- Actually, I'm pretty comfortable - Banks, did you steal my chef? - In your face, Kathy Griffin.
Yes! Why are we both laughing? I should be the only one laughing.
Well, you're really gonna be laughing when you taste her cooking.
I've been trying to unload this broad for years, but she kept playing the frickin' violin about her poor family in the village with all the earthquakes.
Here's an idea move somewhere where they don't have earthquakes.
Oh, please.
Do you think I was born yesterday? Not for a moment.
If she was such a terrible chef, then how about that food at your party? Catered! Are you kidding? I wouldn't even let my dogs eat her food, and my dogs lick their butts all day.
Scusi.
Oh, Ramone.
You and your pepper mill are back.
I'm no back for you.
Miss Griffin, your breakfast is ready.
She no treat me like a piece of meat.
Isn't it adorable how he doesn't see what's coming? The joke's on you, Kathy Griffin! His coq au vin is not what you think it is.
It's chicken.
That was Kathy Griffin.
You won't believe the load she tried to sell me.
Was it, by any chance, that Lucila is the worst cook on earth? 'Cause I think these eggs are gonna burst out of me, alien style.
- Anybody want more? - No! I mean, no, thank you.
You know, I want you to know that I love you all And I keep my will in my glove compartment.
You guys, stop it.
It can't be that horrible.
Oh, my God, ugh.
I haven't tasted something in my mouth like that since I spent the night with Blue Man Group.
It's true, she came home looking like a smurf.
- So you want me to fire her? - What? No, no.
She's perfect.
Thank you, Maddie, for doing this for me.
A female chef who can't cook? I hope you appreciate the sacrifices your mother is making for you.
Oh, my blouse is caught in the mixer! Oh, I do.
I really do! Hey, how about that? He can run.