Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e05 Episode Script

Every chefknows that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
'Cause if you don't have that full-force caffeine-nicotine buzz going there is no way you're gonna be able to tame the chaos that reigns in the back of the house.
Come on, man! Let's go! Jack.
Jack.
Okay, the night porter didn't clean the grill, the big blender's broken and someone crammed my locker full of Spanish pornography again.
- I'll look into it.
- Thank you.
- Jack,Jack,Jack! - Yeah.
Jack, three waiters called in sick.
Some kind of explosive intestinal- They think I don't know Shakira's in town? Tell 'em I want 'em here yesterday.
Major crisis.
See Page Six.
"Bourdain Snubs Stunning Starlet.
" Translate that for me.
The fabulous Lindsay Lohan was here last night and you refused to leave the kitchen to say hello.
Or so says the Post, which I trust implicitly.
I can't be everywhere at once.
I didn't even know she was here last night.
- Lindsay Lohan wants to say- - If it's not about the food, get out! - I was cooking for 180 people.
I can't be everywhere at once.
I'm not the master of time, space and dimension.
If I may, your fans are your power base.
- You have to stroke your base.
- I'm not gonna embrace that metaphor.
You will get a second chance to kiss Miss Lohan's ass when she returns for her dog.
I'm here to cook, not kiss ass.
Jack, Pino's on line one.
Oh.
Kissing ass is part of the job.
We're hot right now.
It's expected of us.
I was expected to be at my own wedding, but guess what.
- Where was I? In your kitchen.
- When was this now? Don't make this about me.
You need to be in the kitchen.
I'd be happy to work the room for you,Jack.
People don't like you as much as you think.
Move.
Look, this came down from the Prince of Darkness.
It's happening.
But don't worry.
I put somebody in charge.
In which case, I humbly and gratefully accept.
- Hey.
- Guys, this is Becky.
We went to culinary school together.
She'll be covering for me.
Uh- I- But you're a- She's a- Yes.
I pee sitting down.
Get over it.
- Wait.
Becky Sharp from Becky's on Fourth? - Mm-hmm.
- I love that place.
- Well, thank you.
And I love your scarf.
Really brings out your vagina.
How come I have never thought of that before? That's funny.
How can she be above me? Do you realize she's a woman? - Yes.
Why are we whispering? - Because they can hear everything! - She's a topflight chef, Steven.
She ran her own restaurant.
- Ohhh! I don't care if she's a world-class balloonist who can whistle "London Bridge Is Falling Down" out of her ass! - This should've been mine! - You're preaching to the choir, buddy.
- What? Pino doesn't trust me? - Why would he? You stole his Vicodin.
- We don't need another chef.
- Yes, we do.
We're getting slammed, okay? And I'm just giving her the scut work.
You're still my go-to guy, huh? You're my right-hand man.
You're the Sundance to my Butch.
- Oh, good.
So I'm actually in charge.
- No.
What's she ever done that's so great? Run a failed restaurant? - She probably can't even cook.
- Her vagina insult cut me to the quick but her crumb cake was like a cloud from heaven.
Yeah.
But it is cake.
I mean, who needs cake? Not exactly the pillar of a meal.
Are you implying that your fish is more important than my cake? I'm not implying it.
I'm stating as fact.
Really? Ever heard of a birthday fish? No.
Dad ever take you on a caking trip? Oh, no, he didn't.
Just tell Miss Lohan that I have her dog.
No, no, no, I'm not a stalker.
I am a fan though.
I loved her in- Hello? Hello? Snazzy, the barstool was not put there for your pleasure.
There's a Jessica on line one.
She says that she's an old friend.
Oh, no.
Not lameJessica.
She just said Jessica.
- Hello? - Guess who's in town.
- You? - Me! Oh.
Okay, I'm heading out there.
If you need anything, if there's a crisis, if you have a question- Jack, you're 11 feet away.
Don't worry.
I can handle these animals.
- That's what she thinks.
- I heard that! Girl is like a flipping bat.
- Now go be pretty, okay? - Okay.
Go, go.
We're fine, really.
Waste of time.
Let's get this over with quickly.
- Where do I start? - Actually, table eight just sent compliments to the chef.
Gotta do what I gotta do.
Everyone enjoying themselves tonight? Every chef will tell you that he feels out of place ifhe's not sweating over a hot stove.
But the truth is you can get used to the sweet life out front pretty damn quickly.
I just always had this real need to please people with food.
I just think it's, like, uh, a gift that I have, as God made me.
Hey, uh, if your father calls tell him that I'm working the floor like he asked, okay? - Yeah, you're really taking one for the team.
- Actually, I'm shooting for two.
I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
No, I'm not.
This table needs a complimentary everything.
Get your heads out of your asses.
We got two frisees one torn crab - and fire the sweetbreads.
Oops-a-daisy.
I'm sorry.
It seems I got a little enthusiastic with the coulee.
Well, whilst you're licking things- Make it again.
- I got your back, bro.
- Hmm.
Oh-ho! Oh! - What the hell was that? - It's called " the shocker.
" And any of you tools try and touch me again and you're gonna get one of your own.
Hey, I'm used to being the only woman in the kitchen so back off or bend over.
- Oh.
- Raise your hand if you got a semi right now.
Semi-what? You don't actually like that thing, do you? Oh, I know.
I wish I didn't 'cause it so fits into the stereotype.
But the truth is this poofy little dog has won my heart.
- I love you.
- You guys when my friend Jessica shows up tomorrow, please be gentle, okay? Ooh, what's wrong with her? Oh, does she wear the big shoe? She's not a freak, okay? She's just a bit of an outcast.
You know, could never get a boyfriend.
She was kind of like my project, my mascot.
I tried to teach her how to be cool.
- Mimi was cool? - She- She must've peaked early.
- I just don't understand why- - No, that's close.
But unless you use your thumb, then it's not technically the shocker.
- What? Ohh! - Oh.
! Okay, let's talk about something important! Can we all agree that we prefer cake over fish? Two words: " Moby Dick.
" Four more: "Not about a cake.
" - Jessica Alba gets naked on your couch.
- Mmm.
Do you cover her in chocolate frosting or pickled herring? Herring! You're making my point for me! A day's pay says I sell more cake tomorrow night than you sell fish! Bring it, cupcake.
Hey, why'd you guys split? You couldn't wait 15 minutes for me to finish my creme brulee with Lorraine Bracco? Oh, don't worry.
You didn't miss anything, Mr.
Softy.
Oh! Oh, so you told them that story, huh? Mm-hmm.
And now we come to Mr.
Bourdain's foie gras tureen.
This doesn't belong on a plate.
It belongs in a bedpan.
Shame on you, Mr.
Softy! Massive indignity.
I'm so glad Becky's here to resurrect stories that I tried to blot out with years of drugs and alcohol.
Uh, I found this wallet.
- " Seth Richman.
" So I guess the next round's on me.
- It's mine.
Dude- - I don't know,you guys.
I'm pretty beat.
- What? - Let's call it a night, guys.
- Or we could drink through it.
- Brilliant.
- To drinking through it! I could do that if I wasn't so tired and, uh, sober.
All right.
Well, let's say good night to Mr.
Softy.
Good night, Mr.
Softy! Mr.
Softy? What? I thought your nickname was the Ice Man.
Oh, they were talking about, uh- uh- It is.
You keep that alive.
- Oh, uh, Becky.
- Oh, hey.
Sorry.
You were in fine form last night.
How many did you have after I left? I stopped counting after Steven passed out.
- Tequila.
- Yeah.
I went for a long run, but I guess I didn't sweat it all out.
Look at you.
Drinking all night, running all morning.
I'm surprised you didn't have time to get some.
Actually, I gave myself a little present around mile five.
A cop asked me what I was doing.
I said I was, uh, looking for my car keys.
You see, that's what I miss.
The little " car keys" like a belly dancer.
I'm so glad your restaurant cratered so you could work for me.
Oh, I feel like a pig pooped in my head.
This woman brought me to my knees.
And I was kinda hopin' it would be the other way around.
- And there's the chicken.
Feed it.
You love it.
- Mmmmm.
You taught her "feed the chicken"? - If you'd been there last night, you'd understand.
- Uh-huh.
- And the old huggeta-huggeta-huggeta ha-ha.
- What's that? - What- I didn't get that.
- Oh, hey,Jack.
I was looking for the hanger steaks for tonight's special.
- Did the delivery guy stiff you? - The hanger steaks? Oh.
Too busy hanging around with celebrities to order my steaks.
He's changed.
Part ofbeing a successful leader is having the ability to admit your mistakes.
I didn't forget to order the steaks.
I purposely didn't order the steaks, 'cause you know what? This isn't a steak house, Steven.
Is it too much to expect a little creativity? Well, I can do an amazing short ribs rioja.
Boom! You see? Always focused on her job.
Actually, it's still myjob.
Temporarily herjob.
The point is she's focused, which is good.
'Cause I can't work the front of the house and watch your back.
That was clever.
" Front, back.
" - I'm awesome, and I'm out! - Mmm.
Lightweight, are you okay to take over the squab? - Hey, listen.
I never had trouble putting my hand up a bird.
- Mmm.
That's a good face.
Hey, Cameron? What'd I tell you about this dog? Snazzy! There you are! Ohh.
Oh, my God.
He's adorable.
You like him? We'll put him in a doggie bag for you.
He's joking.
- Am I? - You're funny.
Funny.
- Take care of it.
- This is a celebrity dog.
- Yes, it is.
I know.
Come on.
- Ooh.
- Mims! - Oh,Je-Jessica.
Wow.
Look at you.
- Mimi, this is Kyle.
- Pleasure to meet you.
Kyle.
Wow.
And you two know each other how? He's my boyfriend! Isn't that crazy? Blah! Wow.
Boyfriend.
Really? - Well, this is my chef.
- Oh- Oh, are you two, uh- - Oh, God, no.
- All day long.
She's crazy.
- No, no, no, no.
Oh, stop.
He just works for my father.
- Can't get enough of this girl.
- Like you! - She's funny.
- Enjoy your meal.
Baby- - Don't ever touch me.
- See ya.
- Tanya, seat them in Donna's section.
- Donna's got a great section.
- It's true.
Mims, don't be a turd! We want you to wait on us.
- It'll be so much more fun.
- Fun.
- Right? - Fun.
- Well? - Follow me.
Yes, ma'am.
Hang on a second.
Tonight's a really big night for me and Jess-Jess.
- Really? - Yeah.
- "Jess-Jess.
" - Can you keep a secret? And he's rich too.
Wow.
I've never seen anything that big.
Hey, it's not like I haven't offered.
My plain, socially awkward friend is about to marry the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
Good for her.
Really.
- Can I try this on? - No.
Seth, I got an engagement.
Can you make something frosted and shove this in there somewhere? A momentous occasion, and they want cake! Of course, maybe they'll come to you for a wedding fish.
- In Norway they would.
- If I hear one more word about Norway- In Norway the fish is a demigod.
- That's a flash, right? Ooh.
- Ooh.
Oh, I'm so flattered.
You're crazy, right? Too bad you two are married.
It's okay.
My husband likes to watch.
- So do I.
- Oh, you are naughty.
Chef, table six would like to meet you.
Lock you girls up.
Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.
That was getting a little uncomfortable.
Just you wait.
- We are huge, huge fans.
- Well, that's obvious.
- The fan part.
- Oh.
Well, this is all you.
That's a lot of me! What do you mean they turned down dessert? Drunk ladies do not turn down dessert! - What do you want from me? They're full.
- Two more salmon, baby.
I saw that! You're pushing the fish! They're full of fish! This is a kickback situation.
- What? - Okay, okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Screw what they order.
If you two wussies want to find out what people prefer just compare what they leave on their plates, huh? Loser eats both piles.
- Hope your toilet can take a punch.
- It's been known to.
- Has it? - Often.
So how'd you two meet? Well, we were both- Oh, Ky-Ky, don't talk about romance.
Mims doesn't have anybody.
I'll check on your entrees.
Try it on, wear it around, shove it in the dog! I don't care! Geez.
I'm grateful for the opportunity, guys, but I can't really endorse anything that I haven't had a hand in personally making.
Frozen foods, cookware, a chain of restaurants.
Whoa! Were you sitting on that saucepan? No.
But you are sitting on a gold mine.
- Yeah.
- You! We wanna be in the- Jack Bourdain business! Oh, guys, this is so flattering and horrifying.
- I don't know what to say.
- Just say yes.
Anyway, I gotta get back to the kitchen, so- Screw the kitchen! You're too good for the kitchen.
You're not in the kitchen now.
The food's great.
Don't let him out.
- Let him out? I can't get out.
- Watch this.
Whoa, whoa! Okay, I need a spigola, two pork loins and four porcinis on the fly.
Okay.
Wow.
You guys are really in the weeds.
Hey, limey, my filet sometime today.
Yeah.
Right behind you, lovely.
Becky, that's not how you do it.
You want to, uh- - She looks stressed.
- I've been praying for her to crack all night, but no joy.
She's a machine, but with, uh, curvy bits.
Hey, if I knew you guys were gonna do so well without me I would've given Becky the keys to the kingdom weeks ago.
Jack,just so you know, the only reason that I'm even surviving this is because you built such an efficient kitchen.
- To tell you the truth, I'm hanging on by a thread.
- So you need my help? No.
- What are you doing with that? - Finishing it.
You try to help somebody when you're on top and they got nothing, and you know where it gets you? Nowhere.
You open doors for them, sing their praises, get your friends to accept them- - And then you end up with nothing.
- Nothing.
Why is your face on an oven mitt? - Cake.
Cake.
- Damn.
Mimi, wait.
I really need to thank you.
Oh,Jessica, I didn't do anything except bring out the person you already were.
Oh - Oh, no.
I meant for getting us a reservation.
And for being such a good waitress.
Right.
Waitress.
Thanks.
Listen, Mimi.
Ky-Ky has a friend.
He's very nice.
- Oh.
- His hair looks real.
- Oh.
- And most of it is.
And in some lights, he's just flat-out handsome.
- Surprise! You're getting engaged! - What? Yes! As soon as Ky-Ky gets back from the can-can.
- Oh, no.
- Excuse me, everyone.
Jess-Jess here is about to get engaged! Whoo! Hey, what just happened? No! I'm not done dreaming! I wanted this to be romantic! Now it's romantic.
- I just wanted to tell you these short ribs are fantastic! - The best thing we've ever had here.
- Oh.
- Seriously.
Ever.
- Oh.
Of course they are.
Recipe for resentment: - Take one part vanity- - Mm-hmm.
one part arrogance fold in an unbelievably talented old friend and bring to a rapid boil.
- Let me get rid of this for you.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
- But- I- Two patrons just told me that these short ribs are inedible.
- What? - Getting it from all sides, Becks.
People are pulling me from table to table asking me, " Why am I serving this?" I need four more short ribs.
These things really are selling themselves.
Cameron, we're having a meeting here.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, everyone tasted it.
This sort of thing can kill us.
We're just lucky Pino's not here tonight.
New special.
! Okay, triage right now.
! I'm doing a sweet corn and scallop risotto - Get the scallops.
Jim, start husking.
Steven, I want you to grab the arborio.
Becky - Becky? I'm crying, okay? Don't tell the guys.
Look, maybe I was a little hard on you.
I deserved it.
I screwed up.
You know, you gave me a chance, and I blew it.
- I suck.
- You made one mistake.
It's, uh- - You're still a good chef.
- Not as good as you and never will be.
And there's a part of me that would love to see you fail and I hate myself for that.
None of us are saints.
Nobody's a saint.
There are no saints here.
Look, Becky- - I made you Mr.
Softy! - Wait.
What? - I sabotaged your senior project.
- I'm sorry? I poured peanut oil into your tureen.
- You did what now? - What, are you stupid? Okay, I made you look bad so that I could look good.
What the hell kind of a person does that? That was my exam tureen! I'll get my things.
Wait- Don't- Look.
We've all done despicable things.
Some horrible, despicable, underhanded things.
And I for one am willing to forgive you.
So now are you ready to go back in on the line? Yeah.
Yeah.
They really hated the short ribs, huh? Swing and a miss.
What can you do? We are finally about to see what reigned supreme - fish or cake.
- Teddy, get ready to cry! - Seth, get ready to eat, baby! Great.
Now we gotta do this all over again.
Steven, is a dog supposed to shake like that? Miss Lohan thanks you.
A muffin basket will be forthcoming.
Oh, like that means anything to anyone.
- Give him the dog, Cameron.
- Quickly.
Good-bye, my friend.
You do know her short ribs were brilliant? - Keep that under your hat, Sundance.
- Okay.
- I've never even seen that movie.
- Which one? - Butch and Sundance.
- You're the good-looking one.
- Oh, yeah? How good-looking? - Better looking than you.
Snazzy, what have they been feeding you? Oh, my God.
! Oh, Snazzy.
! I'm very grateful for the opportunity.
But I really don't want to endorse anything that I haven't had a hand in making myself.
- Oh.
- Where'd that come from? Oh, been here the whole time.
Oh, why is it - why is it warm? Just taste it.
If it's a no, it's a no.
- We walk away friends.
- As friends.