Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e05 Episode Script

1
The smiles never get old.
When I started Villigans,
we were just a humble theme restaurant,
but with hard work, dedication
and a little bit of magic,
we turned that theme restaurant
into a theme restaurant with a gift shop.
A gift shop that I grew into the largest
online retail business in the world.
Providing our customers
with anything they need,
shipped to them
anywhere, anytime.
And now with Villigans Air,
the sky truly is the limit,
because at Villigans,
we don't call it work,
we call it fun.
Hey, pay attention, pals.
As I was saying, Glider is
supes fragile right now,
so when she comes down here,
let's not do anything
- that might hurt her, or upset her.
- No problem.
- I'll try.
- - I am sure she is not that bad.
- Ah! Kill it!
- Il Diavolo!
The Babadook!
Hey, babe, you look like, uh-
Someone who's
been up all night,
with no luck trying to find
her newly not-dead mom?
Ooh, did you get those bags under
your eyes from Kohl's or TJ Maxx?
- Whoa!
- You got her!
You all can suck my butt
and put it in a butt container.
Oh, God, am I tired.
Babe, it's only been a day,
we'll find your mom eventually.
Not knowing where she is feels almost
worse than knowing she was dead.
Um, hello!
I am also suffering.
Yesterday I met my true love.
And now no one
can give me her locale!
How I long to finally
consummate our love.
Our bodies moist
and writhing in sync-
Delivery!
Oh, hell, yeah!
My new weapons.
Now that I'm gonna be meeting
my future mother in law,
I need to take my powers
to the next level.
- So, level one?
- Villigans?
You're buying weapons from a company
that tried to kill and bankrupt you?
Well, sure,
but free one-hour delivery.
Damn it! The instructions
are written in Wingdings.
You get what
you pay for, right, Joe?
Go for Bane.
Yes. R-R-R-Rebecca Chen? Yes.
Uh, sh-sh-she's where?
I-I-I understand.
No!
Um, wrong number.
Bane, you clearly found out
where my mother is
and if you don't tell me,
I am going to take your mask
- and hook it up to Sixpack's asshole!
- I'll try anything twice.
I cannot reveal Becca's true location,
for it is hell on earth.
Where a sliver of hope
leads to the greatest despair--
She's in The Pit?
Damn it, Bane!
You and your loose lips!
Hell yeah! ♪
How did my mother end up
in The Pit? Huh?
The League of Shadows runs it.
So do they have
something on her? Answer me!
I swear I do not
know the pecifics.
You can tell me now or in The Pit.
Because that is where we are going.
No!
I cannot go back
to the disgust I was raised in.
Plus, I told myself I'd lose
20 pounds and get my neck done
before seeing
any of those assholes again.
Wow. Okay.
So you're gonna let
Kite Man, me,
- and the rest of our friends go--
- Pass.
- Never. Never, ever.
- Um, no, no.
You're gonna let
Kite Man and me go alone?
- Yeah, w-w-what the H, Bane?
- I will say,
if your mom is in a notorious
prison run by assassins,
you two might wanna wait for, like a parole
hearing or a presidential pardon..
F. that! You know, I'll follow
my babe into the most horrifying of places.
We got dinner
at Hardee's last week!
Plus, now I have my
bomb dot com weapons,
like my Kite-a-Rang!
Still working out the kinks.
- Fine. We don't need you.
- We really need him.
Because nothing is gonna stop me
from having my mom back.
Bud, I don't wanna go
into The Pit either.
The travel alone is gonna be hell
on my intermittent fasting.
But you know why I'm doing it?
Because my true love
is gonna be down there.
Do you know anybody
who can relate to that, pal?
You are using my heart
to manipulate me.
I'm just saying, big guy,
double dates.
Me and Glider, you and Becca,
wine country, Catskills.
A winter cabin in the Poconos?
My wool sweater
is itching already.
- So what do you say?
- Mm. Okay!
But there is only one airline
that flies direct.
Uh, folks, from the flight deck,
welcome aboard Villigans Air
with direct service
to an undisclosed location
in the ancient part
of the world, known as The Pit,
and then continuing on to Cabo.
Hey, are you sure your brother
didn't want to come with us?
Oh, he can't. He's on a no-fly
list because of January 6th.
- Oh.
- Yep.
January 6th 2014,
he punched a TSA agent
- at a college football game.
- Oh, that tracks. You know what, babe?
I never thought our first trip as a couple
would be to break your mom out of prison.
I know. But when has anything we've ever
done been what we thought it would be?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, when you meet my
mom, can you say "Heck, yeah?"
You know, sometimes people get religious
in prison, so maybe no swears.
You ducking got it, babe.
You are in my seat.
Well, yes, sir, I am. But I was
just hoping we could switch,
so I could sit next to my wife
as we're on our honeymoon.
Absolutely not!
I have paid extra for my aisle seat,
and your lack of foresight
does not constitute
my emergency.
Sir, there's an open seat
right here.
But that lady
has her shoes off!
When did the sky become
such a field of lawlessness?
You're closing the bar?
Ooh! Are we gonna have a party?
Ooh. Are you gonna bring some of
your freaky ass immortal friends over?
I would never, ever bring
any of my friends here.
I'm going out.
My boyfriend is only
in town for one night.
Since when
you got a boyfriend?
Well, we're on-again-off-again,
but right now, we're very on.
What would a Malice boyfriend
even be like?
Dead parents and a BMI under 19.
You're dating a bad boy.
My boyfriend's name is Jeremy.
He's so bad that he died,
went to hell and the staff sent him back,
because he was
too evil, even for them. Yummy.
- Damn, I'm getting all riled up.
- Too bad you'll never meet him.
He'd never set foot
in a place like this. Ugh.
Message from
Devil Dick, comma Raya.
Hey, it's your lover!
Heads up! I'm dropping by
completely unannounced. Be there in five.
Shit. Shit! He must be tracking
me using Find That Mother Box.
I don't work here.
I don't work here. Okay?
When he arrives,
Mariah Carey rules apply.
No eye contact,
and I don't know any of you!
- Hello.
- That's your evil boyfriend?
No, that's not him.
My boyfriend can read.
The sign says we're closed.
Oh, sorry, young lady,
no one is ever closed
When you're the Gotham City
Health Inspector!
My apologies. I had a hard
candy stuck in my throat.
No one told us
you were showing up today.
That's 'cause health inspectors are like
13-year-old boys home alone.
They could come at any time.
Oh, I gotta use that one.
Oh, Christ, just take
what's in the cash register.
Oh, no. I'm sorry there, hoss.
I'm the one health inspector
who can't be bought.
All right! Let's get to it.
Not now, Chessure.
I just have
so many questions for her.
Like what kind
of pizza is your favorite?
Which Michael Myers would you rather bang,
the comedian or the serial killer?
Why the hell didn't you try
to find me all these years?
Maybe go with the pizza one
and then see how it plays out.
You are the only daughter
I have and I'm so happy
we're taking this trip
together, right, Tabitha?
Aw.
You will listen to me
when I'm talking, Tabitha!
I hate you!
- Aw!
- Stranger Danger!
Whose child is this?
He was trying to drink
the water in the potty.
- Oh, no, Bane!
- Sir, unhand that child immediately
or you will be
kicked off this plane.
Ma'am, our friend meant no harm.
He's just a little stress--
- Not again.
- Holy shit. It actually worked.
Okay. All three of you need to get
the fuck off this plane. Now!
Oh, really?
What are you gonna do?
Open the door
and kick us out mid-flight?
On the plus side,
we're pretty much there.
Oh, thanks a lot, Bane!
I am not the one who blew
the window out of the plane.
I just went into the bathroom
and grabbed a feral child,
who was drinking
non-potable water.
Not potable!
Okay, decaying limbs,
rotting corpse head,
trying to pass off
Diet Pepsi as Diet Coke-
Can we hurry this up?
- There's my favorite pussy.
- Yay!
Oh, and Chessure's here to.
- Jeremy!
- Here you go, my darling.
Some dumb lady was selling these
on the ground by the highway.
Now, why is a smokin' hot,
filthy rich New God slumming it
in a tenement house like this?
Um, well, surprise!
I rented out this disgusting
bar and hired actors to play poor people.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh! You mean like role-play?
You saucy minx,
you put this together for me?
I sure did!
Oh, I'm so turned on right now.
Rub my balls and tell me
how Brexit actually helps minorities.
Hey, Malice, we need
more ice in the urinals.
- It helps Joe focus his stream.
- Right away, sir!
See, that's my character.
A server in this shit hole.
Oh, this is fun. Okay, okay. Okay.
My character again is the health inspector,
and I'm about to shut this place down.
Why did you do that?
He was like he was a great actor!
Hmm. I can taste the fear.
It's almost like
it's carbonated.
Server, grab me the hottest
seltzer you've got so I can stiff you.
Because tipping promotes laziness.
Damn, I never thought I'd meet a person
that's too evil, even for me.
- Hello!
- Oh, shit!
Don't look so surprised.
I'm a city worker in Gotham.
You think nobody's
tried to kill me before?
So you're immortal,
and you decided to be a health inspector?
Of course!
It's a government job!
You have those for life.
It's a great pension, too.
Not that I'll ever see it.
Now, where were we?
I will now show you
how to descend
into the bowels
of my childhood home.
Now follow those maneuvers
exactly or you shell perish!
You ready
to take the leap, babe?
I'm standing up here an orphan.
But down there,
I'm gonna be a, uh
- What's the opposite of an orphan?
- I don't know.
Let's go find out.
Be careful of the
Watch out for the
You must make sure to
Or I guess
I'll just go fuck myself.
This place is exactly
how I remembered.
The unforgiving stone wall.
The smell of trepidation.
A giant flat-screen TV!
Wait. What?
Hello Villigans Family.
It's your Work Mom,
Helen Villigan.
Sweet shit!
Villigans owns The Pit?
Wow, they really have
their mitts in everything.
I'm just here to remind you
to keep up the good fun
because here at Villigans,
we don't call it work.
We call it fun!
Trogg, Zombie, and Bird!
My old crew.
You're still smearing feces
on the walls just to feel something?
Do you know my mom?
Her name is Rebecca Chen.
She looks like me,
but older, I think.
I don't know because she never
bothered to reach out to me
- even though I saved her life--
- What the fuck?
It kind of puts a damper
on that one-hour free shipping dealio.
- Great work, ma'am!
- Miss.
Miss, wright. Great work, Miss.
The new
distribution center is aces.
There's no cheaper labor
than free, right?
Am I right?
- Shut up!
- Copy that, ma'am. Miss.
It's fine for now,
but once I secure the device,
this will all be irrelevant.
Oh, looks like
we have a little situation.
Look at what you have done to my brethren,
you succubus of capitalism!
Now, Bane, you're going
to have to pay for that.
Shall I use the card
ending in 2147?
Holy shit!
That is my debit card.
If these are actors, how
are they coming back to life?
Even Bruce Forsyth
isn't that good.
Um, well, surprise!
The actors are actually robots,
so you can really
get your Westworld on.
You went to
all that expense and effort
to create this robot-laden
dive bar for my enjoyment?
The only thing hotter
than that is me right now.
Hey! Hey!
That was my drink!
Ugh.
- Ah! You tiki-torch-
- wielding motherfucker!
My baby brother!
Ugh. Why is this
not turning me on?
- No, you don't need--
- No shirt, no shoes, no pulse.
Hey, trust me. This is a game
you don't wanna play.
What are you gonna do, old man?
I'm gonna kill you
with this finger.
Oh, I'd like to see that.
Oh, right. The "hell
won't take him" thing.
Whoa! Not bad.
Listen, if you're ever
looking for a steady job,
you might consider
the Health Department.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, the end
of your pathetic life.
- Stop! He'll die!
- Oh, I know how it works, kitten.
You murder the robots for sport
and sexual gratification.
They're not robots.
I lied. Okay? This is all real!
Are you mad? Next thing you'll tell me
is you really work here.
Helen Villigan, you're the new head
of the League of Shadows?
No, pumpkin.
I bought this place from them.
I needed a large warehouse
and cheap labor.
And what's better than
a pit full of criminals?
Impossible!
The League of Shadows
is a sacred order with an ancient code.
So was their
accounting system. Zing!
- Sick burn, ma'am. I mean Miss.
- That will be all, Baby Doll.
We're here for one reason-
to rescue your mother.
- How do you know that?
- I know everything about everyone.
You see, Villigans isn't
a chain restaurant/global eCommerce/
privatized prison system,
we're really a data business.
- Oh, come on, pick a lane!
- Smart to diversify.
Well, we are in the murder-you-
if-you-don't-give-me-my-mother business.
Ooh! You mean this woman?
- What do you want now?
- Leave me alone!
- Mom!
- Becca!
Babe!
You did this to her.
No, no,
she came with the place.
I don't care why
any of these folks are here,
but if they weren't monsters,
they wouldn't be in The Pit.
Oh, no, Chuck, Bane,
take cover!
Aah! You're going to regret
this, Helen.
Oh, sweetie, powers
don't work down here.
Well, what about gadgets?
Kite belt!
Oh! Whoa! Uh oh.
Ooh! I think I hit that bat.
Emergency security
protocol engaged.
Chuck!
What did you do?
We don't call it work.
We call it fun.
Oh, look at these wimps!
They are so weak,
you cannot just kill one.
It's like evil
Lay's potato chips.
You know what
someone needs to invent?
A thing that takes
all the little broken chips
and reforms them
into a new chip. Ow!
Holy shit, you really
are my best friend!
I've been
saying that for years!
Uh, babe,
a little help?
She's right there.
She's so close!
- My love, I am coming!
- Nice.
Oh, it's okay.
I got you, Mom. I got you!
Now let's get
the fudge out of here.
I know your mom's unconscious,
but I'm still keeping
the swears to a minimum
because I love
the sugar out of you.
Trogg! That is
a really nice rock,
but I don't know
how we'll get it ho- oh!
Ah! Whoa!
Oh. No!
No, no, no, no!
This is not how it ends.
We are not going to die here
after getting so close!
Bane, please help us!
But they are my friends!
Uh, I think your friends
are long gone, Bane.
Fly free, little birdy!
Hey, Zombie, this will
hurt me more than it hurts you.
Probably.
Now it is you
who got his neck done!
Arrows, blade,
uh, darts, fire, blade? Blade!
It is hard to even imagine
this is the same place
I learned to walk.
- Over a dying man's scrotum.
- What are you--
Scoreboard!
Thanks!
I should have
known you had a job.
You were looking
a little working class,
and by that I mean chubby.
So you only liked me
'cause I was independently wealthy?
I'm so glad you understand.
I'll never forget the time
we promised a hot meal
to two homeless people if they fought,
and then we just killed them anyway.
Oh, good times.
What is this
feeling I'm feeling?
I think it's called a feeling.
Ugh, I can't believe
I let this happen.
Look, you got dickmatized
by a piece of shit.
Been there.
I used to date Rumpelstiltskin.
You know, I've been around a long time
and been on the wrong side of many wars
so believe me when I say
that guy, you dodged a bullet.
- So you're not cross with me?
- Nope.
I am furious.
You're the reason
my baby brother's dead.
My bro.
Look at how
he massacred my bro!
Again, I know you've got
a lot on your plate,
but um, you know
what I'm gonna say.
I have no boyfriend.
I have no money.
I've been waxing
my own eyebrows.
This is all I have left.
I won't let you
shut this place down!
Oh!
Thank you, Bane!
I am so sorry
I ever doubted you.
You doubted me?
- Oh, yeah. Big time.
- Uh Okay.
Well, now we just have to cover thousands
of miles of ruthless, unforgiving terrain.
- What?
- Thousands of miles?
Well, what else
are we going to do?
We are banned from the only
airline who flies here.
Through no fault of my own,
by the way.
Damn it. I was really hoping
I'd be more helpful.
Stupid, useless,
winding weapons!
You did it, babe!
Oh, I love you so much,
I could eat your face
with a spoon right now.
Hell, yeah. I think?
Are we finally on?
Jesus Christ, Baby Doll.
- You cannot smoke in here.
- Oh, sorry, ma'am.
Okay, we're back.
Oh, they're gone.
Well, no matter.
They've given
me quite the idea.
Congratulations, young lady.
I'm giving you a "D."
Minus.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we got her.
Hey, you found your mom. Cool.
Well, nothing interesting
happened while you were gone.
- So-
- I have a dick now.
That's me
and my dead brother's dick.
- You're just a squatter!
- Squatter?
Yep. Just how we left it.
Ah, let's get Mom upstairs.
She's obviously very tired.
Go for Bane.
Oh, Carol from Villigans Air
customer service.
You are about
to meet your reckoning!
- Now we should get some sleep.
- You know, I think I'm gonna stay out here
- in case she wakes up.
- 10-4 babe.
Babe, thanks for making
our first trip together so great.
Mmm. Aw.
I'm not out of order,
you're out of order, mister!
- Baby, my chambers.
- Sustained!
"Love that Baby" will be back
after this message from Pitigans.
Uh, no,
not the gas again.
- Mommy?
- You stay away.
- You're safe!
- Get away from me!
Mommy! It's me. Your daughter.
Lisa! Oh, I never thought
I'd see you again.
Here I am.
Here we are, back in each other's lives
for good this time.
Fuck.
Please help me here: