Koala Man (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

- You kids remembered
to pack your PJs, right?
- Yes, Dad.
- How about your little jelly shoes
for the showers?
Unpack your bags and make sure you've got
your little jelly shoes in there.
- Kevin, relax, it's a two-day music camp.
- A two-day music camp eight hours away!
In the middle of the Outback!
Anything could happen out there.
The kids will be just fine.
- Morning, little rock stars!
How're my future Kylie Minogues doing?
Can't get you out of my head.
Mum, I don't want to go to music camp.
What if I end up like Little Nina,
that teeny-weenie freak
whose growth was stunted
from playing bassoon at a young age?
- She's magnificent.
Fit her right in your pocket, you could.
- Go on, Alison. Channel that
teenage angst into your French horn.
Ugggh!
- Well, gonna be real quiet
around here, I reckon.
Got the whole place to ourselves.
Yes.
Well, Kevin, this would be
a good time to have a little talk.
- A talk?
Okay, I guess we can have a talk.
Oh, did you see Big Greg's
got a new book out?
I swear to God, he's just a show-off.
And you know what, everyone knows it,
so I don't even care anymore.
- I mean a talk talk.
About this whole Koala Man thing.
Ah, a Koala Man talk talk.
All right, you have
my full attention, Vicky.
Let's dive in.
Just me and you, no distractions.
All right.
When you first started being Koala Man,
I thought it would only be
- Wait! Stop! Time out!
Liam forgot his jacket!
Kevin, it's fine.
- You know how cold it gets
in the Outback at night!
I've gotta get this jacket to Liam!
Let's think The maximum speed
of a school bus is 80 kilometers an hour.
The speed limit for
an automobile such as mine is 110.
So, rounding down to 100 for safety,
I should be able
to catch up to the bus within an hour.
- Don't you think you're overreacting,
Kevin?
- Do you know what happens
when I underreact, Vicky?
People die.
[sighs] Go then.
But on the drive,
I want you to have a good long think
about why you are the way you are.
- I'm afraid there will be no time
to dig into my past, Vicky!
I've got a job to do.
hard rock music playing ♪
- music stops ♪
- Why won't that come off?
Oh, that's like a crack
from a pebble or something.
Oh, sugar. Oh, well, good enough.
rock music resumes ♪
Let's ride.
theme song playing ♪
- Koala Kode one-one-eight:
For more Koala Kodes,
download the Koala App.
It's not a virus anymore. We fixed it.
Travelogue number one.
I'm in hot pursuit of the camp bus.
"Operation: Bring Liam His Jacket"
is well underway.
Think I'll just enjoy the drive for a bit,
while I try to think of a better name
for this operation.
[talk radio playing softly]
What was with Vicky back there?
"Why are you the way that you are?"
Why is anyone the way they are?
As if a sequence of formative events
could shape one's behavior.
Ridiculous.
Toot toot, wham bam huge blue van ♪
Wait, this track seems strangely familiar.
Wham bam, huge blue van ♪
We're gonna take you away ♪
Look, gang!
I think I see our old friend up the road:
Uncle Bumpy!
[chuckles] Hi, Tigglies!
Room for one more?
- Sure!
- There's always room for one more!
Hop, hop, hop on, Uncle Bumpy!
UNCLE BUMPY: Tiggle till you giggle!
Giggle-giggle-gig
Toot toot, wham bam huge blue van ♪
- Kevin, do you reckon we'll be mates
like the Tigglies when we grow up?
Of course, Christopher!
It's like the Tigglies always say,
"'Friend' Is A Forever Word."
Oi! What the fuck is this shit?!
- Oh, hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Detective Williams.
- Kevin, some bogan shitbag wrapped
his mouth around a shotgun today
outside the bowl-o.
You think I wanna come home
and listen to creeps in skivvies
singing about a big blue van!?
Sorry, Dad!
- Go outside and take turns
kicking each other in the balls.
The footy's about to start. Fuck off!
[crowd cheering]
Toot toot, wham bam ♪
Damn annoying song. Quite repetitive.
dramatic music playing ♪
Aha! Travelogue number two:
I've got eyes on the bus.
Time to wrap this thing up
and head home.
I find myself in the horns of a dilemma.
The Koala Kode says I cannot leave
an injured creature to suffer.
I'm harrowed to say,
an illegal U-turn seems in order.
[tires squeal]
[grunting]
You're all right, little guy. I got ya.
You need help?
- Yeh, cunt. You can help me
by giving me your fackin' wallet.
- What?!
[Kangaroo whistles]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's, uh,
let's just take it easy here, guys.
Just hand over your wallet, dickhead.
And your fackin' keys, too!
Back off!
I'm well-trained in the art
of grown-up karate, and I eve--
Ugggh! Ohh! Ooh!
Please! No! Stop!
Aaah!
KANGAROO: Get his wallet and keys!
And his phone!
Take his fackin' shoes, too. Fack it.
Keep your ugly fackin' jacket,
ya dickhead!
[tires squealing]
This is not on.
somber music playing ♪
[groaning]
Mindy?
Mindy, is that you?
MASK:
So, what's the plan?
You're not just gonna
lie there and die, are ya?
You've got justice to serve, mate.
Justice
- [distant shouting]
- Mummy, what's happening to Daddy?
- Your daddy's going on holiday
by himself.
[sobbing]
Listen here, ankle biter.
You're gonna hear a lot of things
about me in the next few weeks.
None of them are true.
Dapto P.D. is dirty. It's a frame job.
This is not on.
It's up to you to be the man
of the house now.
You've gotta be tough.
I will, Dad! I'll be tough!
And I'm gonna devote my whole life
to justice, just like you.
MASK: Yes, Kevin.
There's still work to be done
and justice to be served.
[Kevin straining]
[groaning]
Oh, travelogue number 12:
The Outback is an unforgiving foe,
designed to test the will of man.
I believe I'm starting to hallucinate.
Just earlier, I swear
I saw a vision of Mindy.
band drum beating in distance ♪
Now I hear the faint sound of music.
It could be my brain is overheating.
My senses at war with themselves.
My sanity slowly slipping.
music growing louder ♪
Scratch that, the music is real.
rock music playing ♪
Is anyone in there?
music stops ♪
What do you want?
- Please, you've gotta help me.
I'm in need of medical assistance.
And perhaps a light snack.
Nah, you've gotta fuck off, mate.
Oh, please!
I was on a mission to my kids'
music camp and some 'roos just--
What'd you say?
- My children are at a remote
music camp in the Outback and I--
- Why didn't you say so?
Come on in, brother!
Are you Red Tigglie!?
In the flesh!
Welcome to Tigglie HQ,
the most joyous place on earth!
[door closes]
This is our little hideaway,
where us Tigglies come
to work on new music.
- I used to love your songs as a kid.
Had every VHS tape you ever put out.
Not one bootleg.
Yes, we've had quite the run.
[sighs] Back in the '90s,
the Australian children's
music scene was on fire.
There was the Jump Patrol,
the Wamby-Jambies,
the Kookabirdos,
the Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots.
Then suddenly,
the whole industry went tits up.
Other kids bands faded into obscurity.
But here we are, still at it.
- It's remarkable
you've managed to survive.
- Yes it's a remarkable thing,
survival
retro rock music playing ♪
music stops ♪
Who the hell are you!?
- It's all right, he's cool.
This here's Koala Man.
He ran into some trouble on his way
to a children's music camp.
- Ooh, there's a new
children's music camp nearby?
- In that case,
make yourself at home, big man!
Let's get you fixed up.
You look like you've been through hell.
upbeat theme music plays ♪
- I've gotta say, you four
haven't aged a day since I was a kid.
- Well, chalk it up to clean eating.
[laughs]
So, Koala Man,
where is this music camp, anyway?
- Just a few kilometers east of Bathurst.
Could I trouble you for a ride there?
We'd be happy to drive ya.
Yeah. We'd love to check out this camp.
- Great!
Oh, can I use your toilet before we go?
There were no public restrooms on the way.
I nearly had to urinate on the side
of the road like a common pervert.
- Oh, down the way you came,
second door on the left.
[Kevin groaning]
- Oh, thank God.
[urinating]
I nearly doused me dacks.
Hall monitor log, number 150.
Wednesday, 9:27 a.m.
The halls are quiet today. Eerily quiet.
It's as if the forces of injustice
are biding their time,
waiting for just
the right opportunity to strike.
[student moaning]
Morning, Christopher.
- Where are you headed?
- Oh, hey, Kevin.
- I just need to use the bathroom.
- Understood.
Just need a quick look at your hall pass
and then you can be right on your way.
- I don't have one.
It's kind of an emergency, Kev.
- No hall pass? This is not on.
You got me in a tough spot here, mate.
- Aw, Kevin, come on!
The toilets are right there!
I'm about to burst!
I really can't let you in there, Chris.
We'll just have to pop back into class
and get you a proper hall pass.
I'll wait for you out here.
Hall Monitor log number 151.
Brief incident regarding
an unauthorized attempt at urination.
Stand by for upda--
[students laughing]
He pissed his pants!
- Hey, Chris, try not to slip
in your own piss, mate!
- He just told you not to slip,
ya fackin' idiot!
STUDENTS:
Pissy Chrissy! ♪
Pissy Chrissy! ♪
[sobbing]
Pissy Chrissy ♪
You did the right thing, Kevin. You did.
man humming simple tune ♪
humming continues ♪
- Who are you!?
- Oh, hi there.
I'm Dennis. Nice to meet ya, mate.
Are you joining me?
What is this place?
This is where they send the rejects.
Been down here since I was a kid.
Wasn't very good at music,
so I never made it onto the menu.
The menu?
How do you think they stay young?
- dramatic flourish plays ♪
- Aaaah!
Tiggle till you giggle, mate.
[door slams]
Oi!
Start the huge blue van!
Travelogue number 13:
The Tigglies have been eating
musically talented children
to retain their youth in an orgy
of cannibalistic excess and black magic.
Very not on.
I need to find a way out of here
before my own kids fall prey to this.
Liam is quite good
at the keyboard and probably delicious.
It's no use, Koala Man.
Best to make yourself comfortable
and wait to die.
- Do you want a bite of my slop?
- Not now, Dennis.
All right. Your loss. Come to Dennis.
[doors rattling]
Oh, no, no, no, no
Is someone else here?
Uncle Bumpy
- My God, Uncle Bumpy was
the wackiest one of the bunch!
And the most evil.
They kept me alive down here for him.
[door clatters]
[creaking]
What the fack is all this?
Spider! How'd you find me?
- Well, couple hours ago,
I rang your Koala Phone
to ask to borrow your Koala Mower
and some 'roos answered
and they said, "Oi, dickhead,
we beat up your friend."
And I said, "First of all, mate,
you're the dickhead."
Second, you better not have, I really
need to borrow that Koala Mower."
And then they said,
"What the fack's a Koala Mower?"
And I said, "It's basically
just a regular lawnmower
but with koala ears glued to it."
And they said that was stupid,
and I told 'em, "You're the one
who's fackin' stupid, dickhead."
"Why don't ya come to Dapto and talk shit
to my face, see what happens?"
Anyway, they told me they left you
on the side of the Princess Highway,
so I came looking for ya.
- Spider, I need a ride
to music camp, now!
I got the ute parked right outside.
Come on, Dennis. Let's get out of here!
- All right.
Is it okay if I eat in the car?
- Why'd you stop
to help those 'roos anyway, Koala Man?
Everyone knows they fuckin' roll ya.
- I always help the injured.
It's the Koala Kode.
- Oh! Well, it looks like
those damn millipedes are back.
Ah, nasty buggers!
I'll pop 'round the shops
and get some spray.
I can pick up some food if you want--
[horn blares]
Kevin!
You're all right, little one. I got you.
Come on, Mindy. Just take it.
Oh, still not eating?
No.
Poor gal's gonna starve to death
if she doesn't eat something soon.
I had an idea. Here, try this on.
I sewed it myself.
That's brilliant, Vicky!
It's just up ahead over there!
Hold onto your cock, mate.
[engine revs, stops]
They're here.
I'm going in.
You two stay here and keep lookout.
All right. How you set for weapons?
- Hm, we'll talk about
the proper permits for these later.
- Nah, nah, it's all right.
This is all black market shit.
band playing oompah music ♪
Set the table, grab your forks ♪
Put on your bibs ♪
La-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
blows sour note ♪
Let's eat, kids! ♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
- What a wonderful surprise
this has been.
An unexpected drop-in
by the Tigglies, at our music camp!
How lucky!
Well, what can we say?
There's nothing we appreciate more
than children who love music.
- Liam and Little Nina,
you two are especially talented.
This is bullshit! What about me?
Ehh, you're safe.
"Safe"?
We have chosen Liam and Little Nina!
Your meatiness shall become
one with our own.
[kids screaming]
[Kevin gasps]
Not so fast, Tigglies!
You've just met
your own personal Yoko Ono.
- music stops ♪
- What?
- B-Because I'm gonna break up your band.
Oh, come on, that's not really fair.
Yoko's not the only reason
the Beatles broke up.
- Yeah, all four of them were going
in just different directions.
Whatever, just drop the kids!
Out of the way, you fucking stooge!
Oooh!
- Ohh!
- Not so safe now, am I?
- Uh, great job, little girl.
That was very brave.
You've probably got a very
strong father figure in your life.
Principal Bazwell, watch the kids!
- How can we play anything
without the bassoon?
Come on!
- Well, guess it's time
to catch the bus
And I have a heavy vehicles license
so it's actually okay.
Come on! Come on!
[horn honking]
Activating Spider NOS!
Go go Koala Klaws!
Ah. Still need to invent those, don't I?
[tires squeal]
He's not letting go!
Oh, don't worry
Backup's on the way.
[laughing]
Oh, no. it's Uncle Bumpy.
Jiggle till you giggle!
[laughing]
Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle!
Pull up ahead of Uncle Bumpy.
[tires squeal]
UNCLE BUMPY: Wakey, wakey!
It's Uncle Bumpy time! [laughing]
DENNIS: Please, Uncle Bumpy!
Not the hot poker! Noooo!
UNCLE BUMPY:
[laughing] Hey, it's you.
The untalented runt!
That's where you're wrong, Uncle Bumpy.
I finally learned to play an instrument.
[clicks]
[tires squeal]
Dennis, you inedible bastard.
They wouldn't eat you,
but now you're well done.
[sobbing]
hard rock music playing ♪
- This cunt's got a lot
of different fackin' punch cards.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Turn up the fackin' music,
this is the sickest bit!
music pounding ♪
[tires squeal]
[tires squeal]
Let's fackin' hop, lads!
[groaning]
- Little Nina, I know this might be
a weird time to say this, but
I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, Liam, I'm glad you said that.
Do you want to get married?
Really?
Yes. I love you, Liam.
I promise that for as long as you live,
you'll never meet another girl
who loves you as much as I love--
Heh, heh, heh!
I can play bassoon!
[screaming]
[panting]
Liam!
dramatic music playing ♪
- The Tigglies will not go the way
of the Wamby-Jambies
or the Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots!
Tigglies are forever!
[groaning]
Liam
[sighs]
[screeching]
[gasps]
Toot toot, wham bam ♪
Time for me to kill a man! ♪
Ugggh!
- Always hated the Tigglies, man.
Fackin' shit music.
What's with that weird guitar
that's also a little keyboard?
It's facked.
- [footsteps approach]
- Dad!
Hey, son. I thought you might need this.
- You came all the way out here
to bring me my jacket?
I thought you might've
wanted me to tough it out.
retro pop ballad playing ♪
- Listen, sweetheart,
I can't baby you forever.
You've gotta run along now.
- Maybe it's too soon?
Maybe she's afraid to be on her own.
- I think a little tough love is
in order, Vicky.
She's gotta learn to fend for herself.
Go on, Mindy! Run along!
You've gotta be tough! Come on, Mindy!
Good girl.
You'll be all right.
You're tough, aren't ya?
My little koala type bear ♪
Little koala type bear ♪
No! Mindy! Get off the road!
Noooooooooooo!
You don't have to be tough
if you don't want to.
You can be whatever you want.
MASK:
You're babying him, Kevin.
You're teaching the kid to be weak.
He'll get trampled on his entire life
if you don't teach him to be tou--
Hey! Why don't you shut the hell up?
That's what I thought.
Kevin! Liam!
Hi there, honeybun.
Oh! What happened out here?
It's a long story.
Red Tigglie ate my girlfriend.
- What?
- This little wimpy shrimpy
had a girlfriend?
That is a tough break.
Probably not gonna
come around again for you, is it?
- Come on,
let's pick up Alison and head home.
And, Vicky
I'm ready to have that talk when you are.
I don't know why I am the way I am.
Maybe nobody does.
But I do know that I love you,
and I'd do anything for this family.
- Aw, don't worry about that talk
right now, you've had a hard day.
Ooh! You know,
it is rather chilly out here.
It's a good thing
you brought Liam his jacket.
Thanks for the ride, Big Greg.
No problem.
Gives us time to listen
to the audiobook of my autobiography.
Unabridged.
[Kevin groans]
BIG GREG:
My life began when I was waist-deep
in the murky waters of the Amazon,
surrounded by piranhas.
That's when I realized the ultimate truth:
We are all just fish swimming upstream
in a river of dreams
[thunder crashing]
- You may have escaped a brightly dressed
children's musical group, Koala Man,
but you won't escape
the Kookaburra!
[laughing hysterically]
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪