Laid (2024) s01e05 Episode Script
Secret Soft
1
Skipped him?
Skipped him.
How could this happen?
I don't know.
On one hand, it's great,
because it skipped someone,
so we know people can survive this
and maybe I'm not gonna kill everyone,
but on the other hand,
Richie is the one who survived.
No.
I mean, I marked him
as dead on the board
without double-checking if
it was the right Richie Diane.
Sloppy.
Wait.
Richie's last name is Diane,
as in the woman's name?
[LAUGHS] OK, that's hilarious.
He's Mr. Diane.
No.
So what should I mark him as?
Escaped? Bypassed? Spared?
Loophole.
Or else blip
because he's a blip in the Matrix.
I actually never saw that.
Am I using that right?
Is "Matrix" the one with Gondolf?
Loophole it is.
So what's so special about Richie?
Truly, nothing.
- The sex?
- B-plus, at best.
It was like a diagram
in a sex ed textbook.
[STILTED] Penis go in vagina.
- Penis go in mouth?
- Nope.
Just a lot of making out
and a lot of sensual shoulder biting.
I don't know. It did nothing for me.
Interesting.
Any hand work?
Sort of.
He fell into a blackberry
bush while hiking,
so his hands were covered in Band-Aids.
We tried, but it felt
like being fingered
by an ancient scroll.
Ancient scroll.
How about body hair?
Where did he go to school?
And what was the last thing you
ate before having intercourse?
Smooth.
Emerson.
Lasagna.
Well, there goes several theories.
I guess for now, it's
enough just to know
that people can survive.
Which is promising because
maybe we still can save
some of the people we have left.
Open the door!
- Shit!
- Whoa!
- Don't let Zack see the board.
- Yeah!
I mean, because he'd freak out.
- [SHOUTING]
- What are you doing?
Don't scare Zack. He hates death.
Close the door.
Fuck your middle school.
Normally, he'd pee his pants
as soon as he saw red murder map yarn.
But with that game helmet
on, my tits could be on fire,
and he'd be too busy
shooting triangles to notice.
Hey, triangle at your 11:00. Hey!
Can people have sex on those?
There's VR porn.
You watch through the guy's
eyes, like John Malkovich.
- Dude!
- Can you be the girl?
You can, but it's a lot
of looking at the ceiling.
- Shit, I'm late for work.
- He's at your 3:00.
He's at your 3:00. That means your left.
Wait, aren't you gonna
come with me to tell Caleb?
I mean, we still need to warn people
but also tell them there's,
like, a glimmer of hope.
Sadly, I have to make money.
But yes, there is a new talking point.
There's a silver lining now.
What did he say to you
again? When he kidnapped you?
Right before he let you go?
That I was the worst
person he's ever met.
What if that's why it skipped him?
You gave Richie a chance to resolve
his unfinished business with you.
And he was released after
he solved his own murder
and turned into an orb,
like Sam from "Ghost."
Never saw it.
But Richie wasn't the only one
who finished his business with me.
I got read to filth
by, like, ten people.
Maybe it's not about him finishing
his business with you.
It's about you finishing
your business with him.
Do you have any unfinished
business with Richie?
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
100% no.
Any unfinished business with Caleb?
The guy I had a one-night stand with
in a bowling alley bathroom?
[SCOFFS]
I mean, I guess I did tell
him I'd call, but I never did.
Maybe it's that. It might be that.
Should I add it to the board?
I'm gonna add it under
non-evidence-based notions.
And tonight, we are watching "Ghost."
[COVER OF JAMES' "LAID"]
This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪
The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪
But she only comes
when she's on top ♪
♪
My therapist said
not to see you no more ♪
She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪
She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪
Oh, no ♪
Ah, you think you're so pretty ♪
♪
[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]
- [MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
- What the
Hi!
Remember me?
[SHOUTING] A motorcycle? Really?
[SHOUTING] Impulse purchase
from when I thought I was dying.
Smart.
Where are your frosted tips?
It didn't take.
I think I applied the
finishing tint too late
because I spent 40
minutes filling out forms
so I can keep my beautiful aquarium.
Sorry, can you turn this off?
No.
Why are you always such a dick?
No, I mean no because I can't
because I don't know how.
I bought this thing when I was dying,
and I drove it off the
lot because that's badass.
But it's keyless or whatever,
and I can't find the on/off button.
Forgetting you love a long story.
What are you doing here?
Well, Ruby, once again,
you dropped big information in my lap.
"Oh, hello, Richie.
You're a sex loophole,"
and then you just disappear.
The whole sex death
thing, it didn't get me,
so I want to figure out
what the hell is going on.
Actually, you know what?
You should come with
me to warn the next guy.
What if the antidote
is poofing out of you
like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown"?
And if you just stand next to him,
you could pass on whatever saved you.
Great! I love that.
Bitch seat is avail.
No way I'm getting on that.
It's fine.
I'll just scoot next
to you while you walk.
I got time.
I quit my job, so my days are free.
This strap is a little tricky.
Is your last name really Diane?
And actually, it used to
be pronounced "Dee-ah-nay,"
but my great nonno's
dad got Ellis Islanded,
so it's a family name.
- Next in line, please.
- Ah. You can go ahead.
Yeah, thanks.
What are you doing?
We were next.
Oh, that's right. [CHUCKLES]
Forgot you're a little sexist.
I always found that charming.
No. We're waiting for him.
What, you slept with that guy?
Please. I have done way worse.
Sounds like someone's
talking about me again.
[PHONE BUZZES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh!
Who's that?
Looks like someone's got a little crush.
[SCOFFS]
He's a new client, Isaac.
We had a moment, but it's nothing.
He has a marine biologist girlfriend.
Here's a photo of Dr. Supermodel
feeding a dolphin in her work bikini.
Yeah, she clearly sucks.
Let me hold the phone so I can
zoom in on how terrible she is.
[SCOFFS]
Anyway, doesn't matter.
I can't sleep with him
because I could kill him.
Which is unfortunate
because I bet his body is bananas.
[SIGHS]
More like banana pudding, maybe.
Boy's a secret soft.
He is not.
What is that?
Secret soft.
A guy who wants you to think
he's sitting on some chiseled gym bod
when in reality, he's
doing everything he can
to make sure you never really see
what's going on under there.
Which is?
OK.
Notice the V-neck
under the button-down?
Or the strategically placed
beach towel to cover the nips?
Our boy wears a T-shirt in the pool.
Who cares?
His torso is off-limits to me anyway.
His whole body is.
About that maybe I can help.
So you can't have sex with anyone,
or you'll kill them.
Yeah.
Except
Except?
I'm just saying.
I hate the face you're
making with your face.
You look like a kid who's
been told he's funny.
I'm just saying, you've had sex with me,
and I'm not dead.
Yeah, I know, which is crazy.
For some reason, you're like a
A sex loophole with an invincible dick.
Exactly. We've already agreed on this.
I'm saying, have sex with Isaac
through me.
Hard blink.
OK, this thing skipped me.
That means I'm safe, right?
So use me.
Use this vessel.
Let's have sex with each
other while we imagine
we're having sex with other people,
people we actually
want to have sex with.
Isaac for you, and
Kristin Chenoweth for me.
It's Cyrano sex.
I guess what I'm pitching is Cyrano sex.
Good. You're thinking about it.
Thank you.
Next.
It's showtime.
[SIGHS]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hi. How can I help you?
[SOFTLY] Hi, Caleb.
I'm so glad I found you.
I'm Ruby.
A few years ago, we met in a bar
next to a bowling alley.
I was eating linguine with clams
and wearing just a ton of makeup.
- I can't really hear you.
- OK.
We had some white Russians
Can you believe that guy?
Right?
I know he got some tough news,
but you can't also break my 20?
No, he gave me a wrong number.
Can you even?
To be fair, you never called him back.
Well, yeah, but he didn't know
I wasn't going to call.
You think that's Caleb's move?
He splits linguine with clams
and then has bathroom sex
and gives out a wrong number
to, like, a ton of girls?
Really want to stop hearing
about clams and bathrooms.
Also, there goes AJ's theory
about unfinished business.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Ugh, fuck!
I forgot I have therapy in five minutes.
My phone's about to run out of battery.
Do you have a phone I can borrow?
- I need to hop on a Zoom.
- No.
These pants are too tight
to fit anything into.
Oh, but I do have my stallion, though.
I don't have a second helmet,
but I promise I'll go slow.
[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]
[DOOR CLICKS]
Bye, Dr. Debra.
- See you next Wednesday.
- OK, Charlie.
I'll email your dad a superbill.
OK.
Ruby!
Oh, my God, you startled me!
Surprise.
I was just gonna jump on the Zoom.
Come in.
OK, so first time in person.
Must be important. What's going on?
Not much.
Ooh, I've been doing that
thing where I call pizza places
and order a pizza and then
five minutes later call back
and cancel them.
And you were right.
They are not always mad.
Well, Lenzano's was.
OK, well, that's part
of the exposure therapy,
knowing it's fine if
someone gets upset with you
and that you can handle it.
Right, so that's good.
What else?
Oh!
I met a guy. Isaac.
Tell me more.
Well, he's a new client.
And believe me, Debra, this is not me
working where I shit, OK?
[CHUCKLES] I don't do that anymore.
OK.
But we just get along really well,
and he likes musicals.
He's handsome.
And I just feel good
when I'm around him.
But he has a girlfriend.
Why are you closing your pad?
So I can lean in like this.
Ruby, this is what's called
an unhealthy behavior pattern.
You seek chaos in your
romantic relationships.
Pursuing unavailable men
is a form of that chaos.
It's tied to you feeling
abandoned by your father
after your mom died.
Have you started writing
that letter to your dad?
Yes.
No.
But only 'cause I don't want to.
Ruby, I know it's difficult,
and it might not seem
relevant in this moment,
but it will help you.
The unavailable men,
the unrealistic expectations of romance,
the Kevin Kline dreams, it
it all goes back to your
relationship with Dad.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
Or maybe I just love love?
You love the idea of love.
But real love doesn't look
like what it does in the movies.
You know, it's not someone
declaring their love
for you on flash cards.
It's not a big rom-com
kiss in the rain.
It's it's not meeting a stranger
at the top of the Empire State Building.
Right, but couldn't it be?
I'm trying to help you find and maintain
a long-term, committed relationship,
built on mutual love and respect.
I mean, yeah,
that is what I want.
I'd like to try a new exposure, OK?
For the next week, take
romance out of the equation.
Start with Isaac. Keep it professional.
Treat him like what he is, a client.
Can I still scroll
through his Instagram?
- Definitely not.
- Yeah. No.
OK, I will do that.
Keep it professional.
Thank you, Dr. Debra. [CHUCKLES]
We still have 54 minutes
left in our session.
Oh, God.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Yo, this is Z@kAt@k.
I'm questing in "Blood General"
oh!
If anybody wants to join my party,
not gonna lie, I
wouldn't mind the company.
This place is creepy.
- [SCREAMS]
- Nope!
So if you're out there
watching my stream,
go ahead and smash that Follow button
or just come on by.
- [SPEAKING JAPANESE]
- [YELPS]
I am Shinobu.
I'm Zack. Paladin. He/him.
Are you streaming?
Yeah. You want to join my party?
Sure. Sounds like fun.
Really? Awesome. OK, I'll
Let me just check your
follower count before we
oh. [BEEPING]
Oh, no.
You know, it's a funny story
I should go. I'm sorry.
You seem like nice guy,
but I have my own followers
to think about.
Good luck on your quest, Zack.
Wait, wait, wait, we can still be
friends.
[SIGHS] The Wi-Fi's out.
Router.
Router, router, router.
Ah, there she is.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hello, router.
[BEEPING]
Booyah!
All right.
And we're back.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Holy shit.
[SIGHS] I have to do this by myself.
Hey! Hi.
- Extension cord.
- Yeah.
Thank you! Jesus.
[PHONE BUZZES]
[WHISPERING] Professional.
Hello.
Are you liking how
everything is looking so far?
I am. Very much, yes.
Thank you.
Hey, so about the other day
Oh, no, that was
It was a mistake.
Yeah, it was.
It was unprofessional
of me to dance with you.
No, no, I should have
never showed you "The Greatest Showman."
It crossed the line of our
employer-employee relationship,
and it was disrespectful to Merci.
Yes, I agree.
Employer, employee.
Professional.
Ruby. OK, great. Take that.
Take that. Thank you so much.
Let's get this
run-through moving, please.
What is the stopwatch for?
- [FAINT RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
- Timing.
On the day, we're going
to release 100 doves
at the conclusion of
the renewal of the vows
for some reason.
And if the doves stay in their
box longer than they should,
they'll start pecking their
feathers out due to stress,
so we need to be precise.
Yes?
Why do I hear rap music?
[SPEAKER CHIMES]
Thank you.
OK, Isaac, follow me. Give me that.
Throw that over here.
And you up here.
You're standing in for Dad.
And who is gonna be Mom?
Merci was supposed to do
it, but one of the manatees
had an ectopic pregnancy,
so she had to go in.
Huh.
Unprofessional, but fine.
All right, Ruby, you're Mom.
I am dropping you the vows right now.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh. No, I don't
And you got them. Thank you so much.
I'm gonna take this from
you. Thank you so much.
You don't need that either.
All righty, and let's take this off
because you're the
bride and not the groom.
That would be silly.
And what are these sleeves?
What are you, a pirate?
Come on, let's get up here. Take that.
- Thank you so much.
- I don't
Please, right up here. Follow me.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I don't want to
Perfect. OK.
Let me get a look at you guys.
Hmm. What am I looking at here?
Why do you look like two Amish sisters
selling cheese curds at
a farmer's market, huh?
Come on, together. Squish,
squish, squish, squish.
Let's go. Let's go.
Like you like each other.
All right. Better.
All right, everybody ready?
Calvin?
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Thank you.
On the day, Calvin
will have enormous boxes
filled with doves.
OK, timer, and showtime.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [SOFTLY] Susan.
- Who?
- Susan.
- Mm-hmm.
I love our life.
Our Christmases at the lake.
Our long car rides where
you commandeer the radio.
You're proof that sometimes
things do work out.
OK. Mom, you're up.
Look alive. Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Uh Doog.
It's pronounced Doug.
Right.
I knew that. [CHUCKLES]
Doug, my partner in crime.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Do you remember our first date?
It was supposed to
be dinner and a movie,
but all the showings of
"Ladyhawke" were sold out,
so you lost your temper
and got into a fistfight
with the ticket guy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
We ended up walking along the pier,
eating cold cuts out of my purse
while we waited for the
police to stop looking for you.
And even though our
first date didn't look
anything like how I imagined,
it was the best date I'd ever been on.
Somehow, I just knew.
I felt that "thing."
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
It was like, wow.
I like how I feel when
I'm with this person.
I like who I am.
♪
I love how you keep meat
and cheese in your purse.
I love how weird and
specific and gross that is.
I love how I'm always
entertained with you
and never for one second bored.
You're you're flawed and imperfect.
And you somehow just
fit perfectly with me.
♪
I do.
I mean, I will.
I mean same.
And time.
Not bad, not bad.
That was slightly moving
and extremely arousing.
How long was that?
Oh.
I forgot to hit Start.
[SIGHS]
OK, we have to start over.
Again. Everybody from the top, please.
Excuse me. I need some air.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[SCOFFS]
- [WHISPERING] Hello?
- Finally!
You didn't see all my FaceTimes?
Or the text where I said
"call me" in all big letters?
I am at work.
What is so important that you need to
Your vagina's killing people?
- Like, what the fuck?
- Fuck.
You found the board?
What are all these guys
with the faces X-ed out
and Post-it Notes that say "dead"?
Yo, like, Ruby, we had sex.
Does that mean I'm gonna die?
Because I cannot die.
I've never even been to Silver Lake.
Take a breath, OK?
- I'm working on it.
- Working on it.
- Working on it?
- Yeah.
You didn't say anything to AJ, did you?
About the affair? Of course not.
It wasn't an affair.
It was one horrible idea, one time.
I'm being punished.
I'm being I'm God's
punishing me for infidelity.
God isn't doing this to you.
I'm doing this to you.
- Ruby Yao?
- [INDISTINCT]
Detective Brenowitz.
- Yeah.
- Hey. Hello?
I remember. Hi.
Do you have a few minutes?
I'd like you to come
down to the station.
- I have a few questions.
- You're still on FaceTime.
- You know that, right?
- Yes. Absolutely.
- Happy to.
- All I can see is your neck.
See? I told you. I'm working on it.
Just trust me, and don't
say anything to AJ, OK?
Trust you [PHONE BEEPS]
So you finally decided
to start believing women?
Nope, nope.
John Early's death got
a lot of media attention,
and GLAAD's on my ass demanding answers.
I got upset messages from Billy Porter,
Billy Eichner, Billy Bobby Brown.
BOTH: Millie Bobby Brown.
Thank you.
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
All right, let's do this.
Excited to finally get down to business.
Um, I think you should
probably sit over there.
Oh.
I just thought it would
be easier to work this way
so you could show me what you've got.
OK.
Hey, look, I respect your process.
OK. [CHAIR SCRAPING]
All right, what do we got?
OK, for the tape, I'm
Detective Brenowitz.
I'm here with Ruby Yao.
Hello.
Why don't you just
start from the beginning?
Just walk me through everything
the murder board, the
victims, everything.
But I already told you everything
last time I was here.
Right, but this time, I'm listening.
Oh, my God.
Did you say "murder board"?
You think I'm murdering people.
You're not trying to
help me figure this out.
You are trying to Amanda Knox me!
God, every female roughly
your age says that.
I watched all the
documentaries with my roommate.
I am being Amanda Knoxed!
OK, fine.
Cards on the table.
I think you're somehow involved in this.
I told you I am!
I came here and said that to you!
I AirDropped you this!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
What is it, Finnegan?
They need you downtown.
There's been a fatal shooting at a bank.
Victory Heights Financial?
Yeah. How did you know
And the victim's name is Caleb.
Caleb something. Don't remember.
But he was a bowler and a drunk.
She's right, Detective.
How are you doing this?
I don't know.
That is why I need your help!
I need this to stop,
and I need this to stop now
because people keep dying.
And I have finally met someone
who I have that "thing" with
who makes me feel not crazy
for even thinking there is a thing.
And who feels like the
person I have been waiting for
all my life, and I can't be with him
because I could literally kill him.
I wasn't just at Victory
Heights Financial, was I?
We know that because I
have been here with you.
So you're saying you're innocent?
No. I am a terrible person.
I fucked my best friend's boyfriend,
and I have done a lot of other things
that hurt other people
who didn't deserve it.
But someone else is guilty
of literally shooting Caleb.
Did you just check to see
if Finnegan was wearing a wedding ring?
No, because he's obviously gay.
- Thank you so much.
- Cute.
OK, I don't know what's going on here,
but I can promise you
I am gonna find out.
I'm gonna figure out
how you're doing this.
OK, let me know when you do.
Looking forward to it.
Champagne and hamburgers on me.
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
Uh, are you OK?
Nope. Not really.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- I can't.
When my account got hacked,
I lost all my custom hairstyles.
I felt like giving up with streaming.
But then I remembered,
this is online community.
We are supposed to lean
on each other, right?
I guess it could help to talk.
Besides, virtual reality
isn't reality reality.
It might be nice to
get it all off my chest.
Hey, totally.
This is a safe space, man.
OK, um [CLEARS THROAT]
So there's this girl
I know, Ruby, Ruby Yao.
I mean I mean Ruby McStuffins.
She's my girlfriend's best friend,
and we slept together.
Oh, I am in!
Yeah, so apparently
there's this crazy
thing happening to Ruby.
And if she has sex with them, they die.
Dead. And we totally had sex.
And I can't tell AJ
because then she'll find out
that I had an affair with Ruby
And Ruby was very into shoulder biting,
which I didn't know was
a thing, but apparently,
like, it's a thing,
and I'm into it now too.
Well, whatever. And now I'm gonna die.
So you're saying
Ruby's vagina is killing people?
That's exactly what
I'm saying, Triangle.
Her vagina is a death trap.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Motherfucker.
♪
Of course there's fucking rain.
Ugh!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Isaac?
I just saw Merci.
She told me about you.
About sleeping with your
best friend's boyfriend
and murdering all of your exes with sex?
Isaac, look, I
Don't.
You don't have to say anything.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I know she's just hurting.
Why is she hurting?
Because we broke up.
I went home after I saw
you, and she and I talked.
She asked if there was
something between me and you.
That's weird.
No.
No, it's not. She was right.
There is something here.
And that's what I told her.
And it was hard, and we were both upset.
And then she called later
with this dead exes stuff,
which I get it.
- She's lashing out.
- Right, yeah.
Of course she is.
I thought I could keep
things between us
Professional?
Professional.
But when I was up there with you,
saying the words my dad
wrote to the woman he loved,
I couldn't stop thinking
about how I was glad
that manatee had to have
an emergency procedure
- who's doing fine, by the way.
- That's good.
So that you could be the
one standing there with me,
and not her.
♪
What are you doing?
We're gonna get soaked.
I don't care.
[MUSIC SWELLS]
♪
Secret six-pack.
What's that?
Nothing. I just
I can't do this.
Believe me, I want to.
People told me a moment like this
could never happen in real life.
But I knew that it could,
which is making me trust my instincts,
but also not, because
that is what led me
into the situation I'm in now,
which brings me back to you.
I can't keep repeating
the same patterns,
because if I do, you could get hurt.
Like, really hurt.
And I am actively trying
not to hurt people right now.
And if you want to go back to Merci
and tell her you made a mistake,
I won't be mad.
- OK.
- OK, well, I'm a little mad.
No, I mean, if if
you're not ready, it's OK.
I'll wait.
You'll wait?
I don't have a choice.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Hey-o! You need a towel?
[PEACHES' "OPERATE"]
Wait, wait, wait.
What if doing this
reverses the loophole?
Do you want me to stop?
No. I'll take my chances.
♪
I think his zipper's stuck ♪
- Should I
- Hey!
No talking. No jokes.
You're not you.
You are just a vessel.
- You got it, Ms. Chenoweth.
- Ugh!
He's not dead, he's gonna live ♪
I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪
♪
He's not dead, he's gonna live ♪
I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪
♪
Hey.
So you fucked Zack?
♪
Just keep it going ♪
♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪
Uh ♪
♪
It seems to me so strange ♪
Check wallet for his name ♪
His face is in the muck ♪
I think his zipper's stuck ♪
He is perfect for me ♪
To practice surgery ♪
When blood coagulates ♪
It's time to operate ♪
Just keep it going ♪
I think that's a good idea.
Skipped him?
Skipped him.
How could this happen?
I don't know.
On one hand, it's great,
because it skipped someone,
so we know people can survive this
and maybe I'm not gonna kill everyone,
but on the other hand,
Richie is the one who survived.
No.
I mean, I marked him
as dead on the board
without double-checking if
it was the right Richie Diane.
Sloppy.
Wait.
Richie's last name is Diane,
as in the woman's name?
[LAUGHS] OK, that's hilarious.
He's Mr. Diane.
No.
So what should I mark him as?
Escaped? Bypassed? Spared?
Loophole.
Or else blip
because he's a blip in the Matrix.
I actually never saw that.
Am I using that right?
Is "Matrix" the one with Gondolf?
Loophole it is.
So what's so special about Richie?
Truly, nothing.
- The sex?
- B-plus, at best.
It was like a diagram
in a sex ed textbook.
[STILTED] Penis go in vagina.
- Penis go in mouth?
- Nope.
Just a lot of making out
and a lot of sensual shoulder biting.
I don't know. It did nothing for me.
Interesting.
Any hand work?
Sort of.
He fell into a blackberry
bush while hiking,
so his hands were covered in Band-Aids.
We tried, but it felt
like being fingered
by an ancient scroll.
Ancient scroll.
How about body hair?
Where did he go to school?
And what was the last thing you
ate before having intercourse?
Smooth.
Emerson.
Lasagna.
Well, there goes several theories.
I guess for now, it's
enough just to know
that people can survive.
Which is promising because
maybe we still can save
some of the people we have left.
Open the door!
- Shit!
- Whoa!
- Don't let Zack see the board.
- Yeah!
I mean, because he'd freak out.
- [SHOUTING]
- What are you doing?
Don't scare Zack. He hates death.
Close the door.
Fuck your middle school.
Normally, he'd pee his pants
as soon as he saw red murder map yarn.
But with that game helmet
on, my tits could be on fire,
and he'd be too busy
shooting triangles to notice.
Hey, triangle at your 11:00. Hey!
Can people have sex on those?
There's VR porn.
You watch through the guy's
eyes, like John Malkovich.
- Dude!
- Can you be the girl?
You can, but it's a lot
of looking at the ceiling.
- Shit, I'm late for work.
- He's at your 3:00.
He's at your 3:00. That means your left.
Wait, aren't you gonna
come with me to tell Caleb?
I mean, we still need to warn people
but also tell them there's,
like, a glimmer of hope.
Sadly, I have to make money.
But yes, there is a new talking point.
There's a silver lining now.
What did he say to you
again? When he kidnapped you?
Right before he let you go?
That I was the worst
person he's ever met.
What if that's why it skipped him?
You gave Richie a chance to resolve
his unfinished business with you.
And he was released after
he solved his own murder
and turned into an orb,
like Sam from "Ghost."
Never saw it.
But Richie wasn't the only one
who finished his business with me.
I got read to filth
by, like, ten people.
Maybe it's not about him finishing
his business with you.
It's about you finishing
your business with him.
Do you have any unfinished
business with Richie?
[INTRIGUING MUSIC]
100% no.
Any unfinished business with Caleb?
The guy I had a one-night stand with
in a bowling alley bathroom?
[SCOFFS]
I mean, I guess I did tell
him I'd call, but I never did.
Maybe it's that. It might be that.
Should I add it to the board?
I'm gonna add it under
non-evidence-based notions.
And tonight, we are watching "Ghost."
[COVER OF JAMES' "LAID"]
This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪
The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪
But she only comes
when she's on top ♪
♪
My therapist said
not to see you no more ♪
She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪
She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪
Oh, no ♪
Ah, you think you're so pretty ♪
♪
[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]
- [MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
- What the
Hi!
Remember me?
[SHOUTING] A motorcycle? Really?
[SHOUTING] Impulse purchase
from when I thought I was dying.
Smart.
Where are your frosted tips?
It didn't take.
I think I applied the
finishing tint too late
because I spent 40
minutes filling out forms
so I can keep my beautiful aquarium.
Sorry, can you turn this off?
No.
Why are you always such a dick?
No, I mean no because I can't
because I don't know how.
I bought this thing when I was dying,
and I drove it off the
lot because that's badass.
But it's keyless or whatever,
and I can't find the on/off button.
Forgetting you love a long story.
What are you doing here?
Well, Ruby, once again,
you dropped big information in my lap.
"Oh, hello, Richie.
You're a sex loophole,"
and then you just disappear.
The whole sex death
thing, it didn't get me,
so I want to figure out
what the hell is going on.
Actually, you know what?
You should come with
me to warn the next guy.
What if the antidote
is poofing out of you
like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown"?
And if you just stand next to him,
you could pass on whatever saved you.
Great! I love that.
Bitch seat is avail.
No way I'm getting on that.
It's fine.
I'll just scoot next
to you while you walk.
I got time.
I quit my job, so my days are free.
This strap is a little tricky.
Is your last name really Diane?
And actually, it used to
be pronounced "Dee-ah-nay,"
but my great nonno's
dad got Ellis Islanded,
so it's a family name.
- Next in line, please.
- Ah. You can go ahead.
Yeah, thanks.
What are you doing?
We were next.
Oh, that's right. [CHUCKLES]
Forgot you're a little sexist.
I always found that charming.
No. We're waiting for him.
What, you slept with that guy?
Please. I have done way worse.
Sounds like someone's
talking about me again.
[PHONE BUZZES]
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh!
Who's that?
Looks like someone's got a little crush.
[SCOFFS]
He's a new client, Isaac.
We had a moment, but it's nothing.
He has a marine biologist girlfriend.
Here's a photo of Dr. Supermodel
feeding a dolphin in her work bikini.
Yeah, she clearly sucks.
Let me hold the phone so I can
zoom in on how terrible she is.
[SCOFFS]
Anyway, doesn't matter.
I can't sleep with him
because I could kill him.
Which is unfortunate
because I bet his body is bananas.
[SIGHS]
More like banana pudding, maybe.
Boy's a secret soft.
He is not.
What is that?
Secret soft.
A guy who wants you to think
he's sitting on some chiseled gym bod
when in reality, he's
doing everything he can
to make sure you never really see
what's going on under there.
Which is?
OK.
Notice the V-neck
under the button-down?
Or the strategically placed
beach towel to cover the nips?
Our boy wears a T-shirt in the pool.
Who cares?
His torso is off-limits to me anyway.
His whole body is.
About that maybe I can help.
So you can't have sex with anyone,
or you'll kill them.
Yeah.
Except
Except?
I'm just saying.
I hate the face you're
making with your face.
You look like a kid who's
been told he's funny.
I'm just saying, you've had sex with me,
and I'm not dead.
Yeah, I know, which is crazy.
For some reason, you're like a
A sex loophole with an invincible dick.
Exactly. We've already agreed on this.
I'm saying, have sex with Isaac
through me.
Hard blink.
OK, this thing skipped me.
That means I'm safe, right?
So use me.
Use this vessel.
Let's have sex with each
other while we imagine
we're having sex with other people,
people we actually
want to have sex with.
Isaac for you, and
Kristin Chenoweth for me.
It's Cyrano sex.
I guess what I'm pitching is Cyrano sex.
Good. You're thinking about it.
Thank you.
Next.
It's showtime.
[SIGHS]
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hi. How can I help you?
[SOFTLY] Hi, Caleb.
I'm so glad I found you.
I'm Ruby.
A few years ago, we met in a bar
next to a bowling alley.
I was eating linguine with clams
and wearing just a ton of makeup.
- I can't really hear you.
- OK.
We had some white Russians
Can you believe that guy?
Right?
I know he got some tough news,
but you can't also break my 20?
No, he gave me a wrong number.
Can you even?
To be fair, you never called him back.
Well, yeah, but he didn't know
I wasn't going to call.
You think that's Caleb's move?
He splits linguine with clams
and then has bathroom sex
and gives out a wrong number
to, like, a ton of girls?
Really want to stop hearing
about clams and bathrooms.
Also, there goes AJ's theory
about unfinished business.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Ugh, fuck!
I forgot I have therapy in five minutes.
My phone's about to run out of battery.
Do you have a phone I can borrow?
- I need to hop on a Zoom.
- No.
These pants are too tight
to fit anything into.
Oh, but I do have my stallion, though.
I don't have a second helmet,
but I promise I'll go slow.
[MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING]
[DOOR CLICKS]
Bye, Dr. Debra.
- See you next Wednesday.
- OK, Charlie.
I'll email your dad a superbill.
OK.
Ruby!
Oh, my God, you startled me!
Surprise.
I was just gonna jump on the Zoom.
Come in.
OK, so first time in person.
Must be important. What's going on?
Not much.
Ooh, I've been doing that
thing where I call pizza places
and order a pizza and then
five minutes later call back
and cancel them.
And you were right.
They are not always mad.
Well, Lenzano's was.
OK, well, that's part
of the exposure therapy,
knowing it's fine if
someone gets upset with you
and that you can handle it.
Right, so that's good.
What else?
Oh!
I met a guy. Isaac.
Tell me more.
Well, he's a new client.
And believe me, Debra, this is not me
working where I shit, OK?
[CHUCKLES] I don't do that anymore.
OK.
But we just get along really well,
and he likes musicals.
He's handsome.
And I just feel good
when I'm around him.
But he has a girlfriend.
Why are you closing your pad?
So I can lean in like this.
Ruby, this is what's called
an unhealthy behavior pattern.
You seek chaos in your
romantic relationships.
Pursuing unavailable men
is a form of that chaos.
It's tied to you feeling
abandoned by your father
after your mom died.
Have you started writing
that letter to your dad?
Yes.
No.
But only 'cause I don't want to.
Ruby, I know it's difficult,
and it might not seem
relevant in this moment,
but it will help you.
The unavailable men,
the unrealistic expectations of romance,
the Kevin Kline dreams, it
it all goes back to your
relationship with Dad.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
Or maybe I just love love?
You love the idea of love.
But real love doesn't look
like what it does in the movies.
You know, it's not someone
declaring their love
for you on flash cards.
It's not a big rom-com
kiss in the rain.
It's it's not meeting a stranger
at the top of the Empire State Building.
Right, but couldn't it be?
I'm trying to help you find and maintain
a long-term, committed relationship,
built on mutual love and respect.
I mean, yeah,
that is what I want.
I'd like to try a new exposure, OK?
For the next week, take
romance out of the equation.
Start with Isaac. Keep it professional.
Treat him like what he is, a client.
Can I still scroll
through his Instagram?
- Definitely not.
- Yeah. No.
OK, I will do that.
Keep it professional.
Thank you, Dr. Debra. [CHUCKLES]
We still have 54 minutes
left in our session.
Oh, God.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Yo, this is Z@kAt@k.
I'm questing in "Blood General"
oh!
If anybody wants to join my party,
not gonna lie, I
wouldn't mind the company.
This place is creepy.
- [SCREAMS]
- Nope!
So if you're out there
watching my stream,
go ahead and smash that Follow button
or just come on by.
- [SPEAKING JAPANESE]
- [YELPS]
I am Shinobu.
I'm Zack. Paladin. He/him.
Are you streaming?
Yeah. You want to join my party?
Sure. Sounds like fun.
Really? Awesome. OK, I'll
Let me just check your
follower count before we
oh. [BEEPING]
Oh, no.
You know, it's a funny story
I should go. I'm sorry.
You seem like nice guy,
but I have my own followers
to think about.
Good luck on your quest, Zack.
Wait, wait, wait, we can still be
friends.
[SIGHS] The Wi-Fi's out.
Router.
Router, router, router.
Ah, there she is.
[TENSE MUSIC]
Hello, router.
[BEEPING]
Booyah!
All right.
And we're back.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Holy shit.
[SIGHS] I have to do this by myself.
Hey! Hi.
- Extension cord.
- Yeah.
Thank you! Jesus.
[PHONE BUZZES]
[WHISPERING] Professional.
Hello.
Are you liking how
everything is looking so far?
I am. Very much, yes.
Thank you.
Hey, so about the other day
Oh, no, that was
It was a mistake.
Yeah, it was.
It was unprofessional
of me to dance with you.
No, no, I should have
never showed you "The Greatest Showman."
It crossed the line of our
employer-employee relationship,
and it was disrespectful to Merci.
Yes, I agree.
Employer, employee.
Professional.
Ruby. OK, great. Take that.
Take that. Thank you so much.
Let's get this
run-through moving, please.
What is the stopwatch for?
- [FAINT RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
- Timing.
On the day, we're going
to release 100 doves
at the conclusion of
the renewal of the vows
for some reason.
And if the doves stay in their
box longer than they should,
they'll start pecking their
feathers out due to stress,
so we need to be precise.
Yes?
Why do I hear rap music?
[SPEAKER CHIMES]
Thank you.
OK, Isaac, follow me. Give me that.
Throw that over here.
And you up here.
You're standing in for Dad.
And who is gonna be Mom?
Merci was supposed to do
it, but one of the manatees
had an ectopic pregnancy,
so she had to go in.
Huh.
Unprofessional, but fine.
All right, Ruby, you're Mom.
I am dropping you the vows right now.
- [PHONE DINGS]
- Oh. No, I don't
And you got them. Thank you so much.
I'm gonna take this from
you. Thank you so much.
You don't need that either.
All righty, and let's take this off
because you're the
bride and not the groom.
That would be silly.
And what are these sleeves?
What are you, a pirate?
Come on, let's get up here. Take that.
- Thank you so much.
- I don't
Please, right up here. Follow me.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I don't want to
Perfect. OK.
Let me get a look at you guys.
Hmm. What am I looking at here?
Why do you look like two Amish sisters
selling cheese curds at
a farmer's market, huh?
Come on, together. Squish,
squish, squish, squish.
Let's go. Let's go.
Like you like each other.
All right. Better.
All right, everybody ready?
Calvin?
[WHISTLE BLOWS] Thank you.
On the day, Calvin
will have enormous boxes
filled with doves.
OK, timer, and showtime.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [SOFTLY] Susan.
- Who?
- Susan.
- Mm-hmm.
I love our life.
Our Christmases at the lake.
Our long car rides where
you commandeer the radio.
You're proof that sometimes
things do work out.
OK. Mom, you're up.
Look alive. Come on. Let's go, let's go.
Uh Doog.
It's pronounced Doug.
Right.
I knew that. [CHUCKLES]
Doug, my partner in crime.
[PHONE BUZZES]
Do you remember our first date?
It was supposed to
be dinner and a movie,
but all the showings of
"Ladyhawke" were sold out,
so you lost your temper
and got into a fistfight
with the ticket guy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
We ended up walking along the pier,
eating cold cuts out of my purse
while we waited for the
police to stop looking for you.
And even though our
first date didn't look
anything like how I imagined,
it was the best date I'd ever been on.
Somehow, I just knew.
I felt that "thing."
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
It was like, wow.
I like how I feel when
I'm with this person.
I like who I am.
♪
I love how you keep meat
and cheese in your purse.
I love how weird and
specific and gross that is.
I love how I'm always
entertained with you
and never for one second bored.
You're you're flawed and imperfect.
And you somehow just
fit perfectly with me.
♪
I do.
I mean, I will.
I mean same.
And time.
Not bad, not bad.
That was slightly moving
and extremely arousing.
How long was that?
Oh.
I forgot to hit Start.
[SIGHS]
OK, we have to start over.
Again. Everybody from the top, please.
Excuse me. I need some air.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[SCOFFS]
- [WHISPERING] Hello?
- Finally!
You didn't see all my FaceTimes?
Or the text where I said
"call me" in all big letters?
I am at work.
What is so important that you need to
Your vagina's killing people?
- Like, what the fuck?
- Fuck.
You found the board?
What are all these guys
with the faces X-ed out
and Post-it Notes that say "dead"?
Yo, like, Ruby, we had sex.
Does that mean I'm gonna die?
Because I cannot die.
I've never even been to Silver Lake.
Take a breath, OK?
- I'm working on it.
- Working on it.
- Working on it?
- Yeah.
You didn't say anything to AJ, did you?
About the affair? Of course not.
It wasn't an affair.
It was one horrible idea, one time.
I'm being punished.
I'm being I'm God's
punishing me for infidelity.
God isn't doing this to you.
I'm doing this to you.
- Ruby Yao?
- [INDISTINCT]
Detective Brenowitz.
- Yeah.
- Hey. Hello?
I remember. Hi.
Do you have a few minutes?
I'd like you to come
down to the station.
- I have a few questions.
- You're still on FaceTime.
- You know that, right?
- Yes. Absolutely.
- Happy to.
- All I can see is your neck.
See? I told you. I'm working on it.
Just trust me, and don't
say anything to AJ, OK?
Trust you [PHONE BEEPS]
So you finally decided
to start believing women?
Nope, nope.
John Early's death got
a lot of media attention,
and GLAAD's on my ass demanding answers.
I got upset messages from Billy Porter,
Billy Eichner, Billy Bobby Brown.
BOTH: Millie Bobby Brown.
Thank you.
[CHAIR SCRAPING]
All right, let's do this.
Excited to finally get down to business.
Um, I think you should
probably sit over there.
Oh.
I just thought it would
be easier to work this way
so you could show me what you've got.
OK.
Hey, look, I respect your process.
OK. [CHAIR SCRAPING]
All right, what do we got?
OK, for the tape, I'm
Detective Brenowitz.
I'm here with Ruby Yao.
Hello.
Why don't you just
start from the beginning?
Just walk me through everything
the murder board, the
victims, everything.
But I already told you everything
last time I was here.
Right, but this time, I'm listening.
Oh, my God.
Did you say "murder board"?
You think I'm murdering people.
You're not trying to
help me figure this out.
You are trying to Amanda Knox me!
God, every female roughly
your age says that.
I watched all the
documentaries with my roommate.
I am being Amanda Knoxed!
OK, fine.
Cards on the table.
I think you're somehow involved in this.
I told you I am!
I came here and said that to you!
I AirDropped you this!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
What is it, Finnegan?
They need you downtown.
There's been a fatal shooting at a bank.
Victory Heights Financial?
Yeah. How did you know
And the victim's name is Caleb.
Caleb something. Don't remember.
But he was a bowler and a drunk.
She's right, Detective.
How are you doing this?
I don't know.
That is why I need your help!
I need this to stop,
and I need this to stop now
because people keep dying.
And I have finally met someone
who I have that "thing" with
who makes me feel not crazy
for even thinking there is a thing.
And who feels like the
person I have been waiting for
all my life, and I can't be with him
because I could literally kill him.
I wasn't just at Victory
Heights Financial, was I?
We know that because I
have been here with you.
So you're saying you're innocent?
No. I am a terrible person.
I fucked my best friend's boyfriend,
and I have done a lot of other things
that hurt other people
who didn't deserve it.
But someone else is guilty
of literally shooting Caleb.
Did you just check to see
if Finnegan was wearing a wedding ring?
No, because he's obviously gay.
- Thank you so much.
- Cute.
OK, I don't know what's going on here,
but I can promise you
I am gonna find out.
I'm gonna figure out
how you're doing this.
OK, let me know when you do.
Looking forward to it.
Champagne and hamburgers on me.
[SIGHS]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
[SCREAMS HALF-HEARTEDLY]
Uh, are you OK?
Nope. Not really.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- I can't.
When my account got hacked,
I lost all my custom hairstyles.
I felt like giving up with streaming.
But then I remembered,
this is online community.
We are supposed to lean
on each other, right?
I guess it could help to talk.
Besides, virtual reality
isn't reality reality.
It might be nice to
get it all off my chest.
Hey, totally.
This is a safe space, man.
OK, um [CLEARS THROAT]
So there's this girl
I know, Ruby, Ruby Yao.
I mean I mean Ruby McStuffins.
She's my girlfriend's best friend,
and we slept together.
Oh, I am in!
Yeah, so apparently
there's this crazy
thing happening to Ruby.
And if she has sex with them, they die.
Dead. And we totally had sex.
And I can't tell AJ
because then she'll find out
that I had an affair with Ruby
And Ruby was very into shoulder biting,
which I didn't know was
a thing, but apparently,
like, it's a thing,
and I'm into it now too.
Well, whatever. And now I'm gonna die.
So you're saying
Ruby's vagina is killing people?
That's exactly what
I'm saying, Triangle.
Her vagina is a death trap.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Motherfucker.
♪
Of course there's fucking rain.
Ugh!
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Isaac?
I just saw Merci.
She told me about you.
About sleeping with your
best friend's boyfriend
and murdering all of your exes with sex?
Isaac, look, I
Don't.
You don't have to say anything.
[SOFT MUSIC]
I know she's just hurting.
Why is she hurting?
Because we broke up.
I went home after I saw
you, and she and I talked.
She asked if there was
something between me and you.
That's weird.
No.
No, it's not. She was right.
There is something here.
And that's what I told her.
And it was hard, and we were both upset.
And then she called later
with this dead exes stuff,
which I get it.
- She's lashing out.
- Right, yeah.
Of course she is.
I thought I could keep
things between us
Professional?
Professional.
But when I was up there with you,
saying the words my dad
wrote to the woman he loved,
I couldn't stop thinking
about how I was glad
that manatee had to have
an emergency procedure
- who's doing fine, by the way.
- That's good.
So that you could be the
one standing there with me,
and not her.
♪
What are you doing?
We're gonna get soaked.
I don't care.
[MUSIC SWELLS]
♪
Secret six-pack.
What's that?
Nothing. I just
I can't do this.
Believe me, I want to.
People told me a moment like this
could never happen in real life.
But I knew that it could,
which is making me trust my instincts,
but also not, because
that is what led me
into the situation I'm in now,
which brings me back to you.
I can't keep repeating
the same patterns,
because if I do, you could get hurt.
Like, really hurt.
And I am actively trying
not to hurt people right now.
And if you want to go back to Merci
and tell her you made a mistake,
I won't be mad.
- OK.
- OK, well, I'm a little mad.
No, I mean, if if
you're not ready, it's OK.
I'll wait.
You'll wait?
I don't have a choice.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Hey-o! You need a towel?
[PEACHES' "OPERATE"]
Wait, wait, wait.
What if doing this
reverses the loophole?
Do you want me to stop?
No. I'll take my chances.
♪
I think his zipper's stuck ♪
- Should I
- Hey!
No talking. No jokes.
You're not you.
You are just a vessel.
- You got it, Ms. Chenoweth.
- Ugh!
He's not dead, he's gonna live ♪
I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪
♪
He's not dead, he's gonna live ♪
I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪
♪
Hey.
So you fucked Zack?
♪
Just keep it going ♪
♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪
Uh ♪
♪
It seems to me so strange ♪
Check wallet for his name ♪
His face is in the muck ♪
I think his zipper's stuck ♪
He is perfect for me ♪
To practice surgery ♪
When blood coagulates ♪
It's time to operate ♪
Just keep it going ♪
I think that's a good idea.