Lead Balloon (2006) s01e05 Episode Script

(Applause ) (MC) .
.
for their astoundingly low CO2 emission domestic use system.
Moving on now to the category that so many of you have been eagerly awaiting, Best Single Cowl Ventilation System.
(Cheering and whistling) The nominations are:: Enviromatters Cleanair Europe Division PLC, for their innovative use of a gravity flap damper, Klimaanlage Systems for their advances in the field of retail environment control and Orpington-based BBW Cooling Engineering Installations, for their progress in the area of low-profile duct work.
Once again, to announce the winner, over to you, Rick.
.
Well, this is the big one.
Er, congratulations, by the way, for choosing the venue with the worst air-conditioning in Europe.
(Laughter) I'm sweating like Peter Andre on Mastermind.
Still, better than last Tuesday, I was hosting the National Plumbers Awards.
It was meant to be on Monday but I thought, ''Bollocks, they do it to me.
'' Seriously, though, it's great to be here because, well, I love air-conditioning.
In fact you could say I'm a big fan.
(Silence ) A big fan.
Moving on.
I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Because apparently, fans have no place in the world of air-conditioning.
Well, it is their field of expertise.
Fans merely circulate currents of air.
Whereas your air-conditioning unit controls the ambient temperature within a given environment.
- Two different things.
- That is why they didn't laugh.
They didn't laugh cos it was a half-assed pun.
I told you not to use it.
Thanks for the legionnaire's disease gag.
That killed - literally.
You know three people died of legionnaire's in Bournemouth? People die in Bournemouth all the time, that's why they go there.
36 awards to do with air-conditioning.
It went on for two hours.
You work hard.
The only good thing was I got back in 20 minutes.
On my new scooter.
20 minutes.
On the scooter.
(Flicks cards ) - Would you like to? - No.
You're afraid, aren't you? You're worried it's gonna be too noisy when I start the engine.
You're gonna fill your pants.
Fine! Fine, challenge accepted.
Can you imagine trying to look interested whilst announcing the winner of Best Variable Refrigerate Flow Component? (Marty ) Yes, I can.
Who won? (Engine rasping) - It's good, isn't it? - Yeah, it's cool.
- How many cc's is it? - It's a 125.
Yeah, it's unleaded.
And er - What colour do you call that? - Green.
Yeah, yeah.
what kind of green? - It's Italian racing green.
- Yeah, these are cool.
- I had a friend who had one in the States.
- Yeah, America.
Yeah.
They're really big in Manhattan.
They're reliable, they go forever.
- He still got it? - Hm? - Your friend, has he still got it? - She.
It was a she.
She gave it to her mother.
Her mother had diabetes, needed something to get around on.
(Revs engine ) - I used to drive a Harley.
- Yeah? Road King.
- Twin cam 88, fuel injection.
- That a big engine on that? It's a Road King, what do you think? No, you have to pedal to start! Still, you know what these are good for? Shopping.
Let's write some jokes.
Hey, Rick.
I found your scooter.
It's not Italian racing green.
There's no such colour.
Pistachio, they call it.
- Oh, really.
- Pistachio.
- Hey, Mel.
- Hi.
You know Rick's scooter? It's pistachio.
I said it was pistachio.
He swore it was Italian racing green.
Oh, the suit's on! Is this for the big meeting? - Don't.
- Tell Marty what it's about.
- No, I'm embarrassed.
- Don't be embarrassed.
Tell him where you're going.
I've got a meeting with the people who make Fit Club.
They've got this idea for celebrities who've made fitness videos and then let themselves go.
Tell them the bit I like.
- This is good.
- Yeah.
Er, and I'm taking Stella Darell and I haven't told her what it's about.
Who the hell is Stella Darell?.
Stella Darell?.
She used to present breakfast television.
She became a yoga guru for about six weeks - Two years.
- .
.
then got caught shoplifting.
- Started eating cake and drinking all day.
- He's exaggerating.
Well, not when she was asleep, but she went to pot.
Anyway She wants to make a comeback and I'm her agent so this is what I'm doing today.
I'm taking her along and I haven't told her what it's about.
- Cool.
- Yeah, thanks.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Well, good luck.
I look forward to hearing all about it.
- Thank you.
Oh, Rick, the dry-cleaner called.
- Dry-cleaner? Your coat's ready, you need to pick it up.
- Well, not really I don't.
- What? Well, that doesn't mean I've got to go and get it.
I don't know why there's a big panic, just cos he's got something ready.
- There's no great panic - I can go when it suits me.
I'm a free agent, I'm my own man.
I think he's panicking or something.
There's a three-month window before he shreds stuff, there's a sign in his window.
- I like to keep an eye on the forecast - Did you read that? .
.
if I think it's gonna be a cold snap I'll go then.
I'll think, ''Today's the day, I'll go and get my coat.
'' What's his problem? He doesn't really have a problem.
I think it's more you.
Anyway, I was hoping you might be able to pick up my dress so I can wear it on Saturday.
Oh, that's what it's about, is it? Can I interrupt my busy writing schedule so I can run errands? - Caught you.
- If you're going there it's no great hardship.
- Is it? - Well, you say that If I go and get my coat, I can just put it on and wear it.
If I get your dress, I've got to carry it around all day and that's not convenient.
Well, you were the one who spilt cappuccino on it Did you tell Marty about that? We went to this café.
- (Mel) And - And we had a cappuccino and it had cinnamon on top instead of chocolate.
- They do that a lot nowadays.
- Not as standard.
Chocolate's the default topping on a cappuccino.
That's international.
- Shut up.
Forget the dress.
- No, no.
It's OK, I'll get it, I'll get it.
- Thank you! - I'm only teasing, you know that.
- Now I've gotta fly.
- All right, good luck.
- Give my love to Stella.
- Yes.
Watch your handbag.
She used to present the news.
Then she just sort of went off the scene for about two years.
Came back - That happens, you know? - Unbelievable.
- How do you get like that? - I don't know.
- She was a yoga teacher, right? - That's what got me.
She was really slim.
- Do they name all their scooters after nuts? - I don't know.
What else they got? Cashew nut.
Macadamia nut.
- Doughnut.
You think they got doughnut? - I don't know.
- Look, it's just a shade of green.
- Called pistachio.
- Well, what colour was your Harley? - Hog.
You drive a Harley, you call it a hog.
- All right, what colour was your hog? - Black.
What do you mean? It was never just black.
- It was black.
- Was it midnight black, mascara black, what? It was just black.
Hey, Magda.
How was your holiday? Was not holiday, was a visit home.
Yeah, come on, Marty, Magda doesn't take holidays.
I thought you knew that.
Sorry about that, Magda.
In fact, we should get your family to move to Center Parcs, kill two birds with one stone.
- What is Center Parcs? - Oh, it doesn't matter.
No, please, I think you are making jokes.
I like to understand for my English.
- Er, no, forget it.
- No, please, explain to me.
No, it wasn't a funny joke.
We move to centre park.
There's no translation for this joke.
No, I don't think there is, no, actually.
- How was your flight? - I went by coach.
It's a long way, isn't it? I once took a bus from DC to Florida.
Nine hours.
36 hours.
Yeah, nine hours.
36! So, was it OK? Of course.
Thank you.
She always says ''Of course'' like that in the wrong way.
What's ''Of course'' about a 36-hour bus ride to some shit-hole even Russia doesn't want? - It's just her way of speaking.
- Well, it's wrong.
It's not wrong, it's different.
I'd like to ban people from using ''of course'' until they can speak fluent English.
- So how were your folks, Magda? - My mother has bad knee.
Ever since she was child she has suffered from bad knees and now she have accident.
Has made worse, very painful for her.
She had an accident? What happened? She was in the barn feeding the hens and there was loud noise from my father's tractor which scared one of pigs.
It ran at her, she jump out of way, but fell in satellite dish.
- Of course.
- I hope she feels better.
Thank you.
You're very kind.
All her life she has suffered.
(Sighs ) Oh, come on, Marty.
Not actually saying you feel sorry for Magda and her sodding mother's bloody knees, are you? Let me tell you something about Magda.
There's always something wrong with her and if it's not her it's someone in her family who's broken their leg or caught their arm in a beetroot masher.
That's nice! It must be a comfort to know that you're there for her.
Why are you taking her side? Within a week she'll have turned the whole thing round so she's the victim.
And now the doctor say that this problem with the knees is, erm how do you say, yenetic? - (Marty ) Yenetic? - Genetic.
- Yes, yenetic.
- Genetic.
Already is little painful now.
That's got to be a new record.
Oh, come on, Marty! Tripping over stuff in a farmyard, for God's sake, how can that be genetic? Come on.
Her mom has weak knees, Magda's inherited the same tendency to weak knees, the fact that it was aggravated by tripping over a satellite dish is irrelevant.
You're siding with her cos you're a banjo-twanging simpleton.
Banjo-twanging simpleton! So now I'm from the Deep South.
All Americans are the same.
Big, fat-arsed people.
- I'm a slim guy.
I'm from Manhattan.
- Wearing oversized jeans, stuffing their face with pizza.
- I don't even like pizza.
- Why are you arguing about that? - I don't like pizza.
- I've seen you eat it.
- We've had pizza together.
- The only time I order pizza is to see if it arrives to me on a pistachio-coloured scooter.
- Let's do some work.
- OK.
- That corporate thing that you were - Hi, Marty.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hiya.
How are you? - Hi, Sam, how's it goin'? - Er, yeah, all right.
- How's the iPod? - Yeah, I lost it.
(Ben ) Is that all right? Er, put a little lower for me, please.
Thank you.
What Why are you doing this here? Oh, is better for my knee that I have comfortable chair.
But if you want I can go.
Dad, don't be so selfish.
- Well, I'm working in here.
- You know she's got bad knees, don't you? Yeah, I do.
I think we all do.
Hey, Ben.
How's college going? Yeah, good.
So what are you up to? Just hangin' around really, you know.
Er, A levels and that.
Bit of a waste of time, butgood, yeah.
- Don't work too hard.
- Yeah, no, definitely, no.
- No, we're gonna go travelling.
- Yeah, probably Indonesia, something.
It's been months in the planning.
So, is that your scooter out the front? - No, it's not mine, it's - I was gonna say, it's a bit gay.
.
.
Rick's.
- Yeah, so we're gonna shoot off.
- Mm.
- So we'll see you later.
- See you.
- Cheers, guys.
- See you.
Kids, huh? They just blurt out anything.
Ben is very nice boy, no? Oh, he's great, yeah.
How's your knee, is it all right? - Is little better, but actually I still have pain.
- Oh.
Aw! When I stand up, you see.
- What kind of Harley was it? - Road King! Twin cam 88, fuel injection.
You quiver like a candle on fire I'm putting you out Maybe tonight we could be the last shout But I'm fascinated by your style Your beauty will last for a while - # You're feeling instead of being - (Horn ) The more that I live on the inside There's nothing to give I'm infatuated by your moves You wanker! (Laughs ) Hey! Snap! (Doorbell chimes ) Hi.
Er, my wife told me you rang.
Apparently my coat is ready for collection.
Ticket? - She lost the ticket.
- OK, what's the name, please? - Spleen.
S-P-L - S-P-L-double E-N! Mr Rick Spleen! Ha! Yes, my family, they watch you on television show.
Right, well, it's, er, Spleen.
- Spleen.
- It's, er, a grey coat.
Good.
So, when we going to see Mr Rick Spleen on the television again? Well, you never do know.
Why not? I think it is that one just there.
Thank you.
- This one? - That's it.
Thank you.
So why you don't know when you're going to be on television? Well, they often don't book the guests for these panel shows till the very last minute.
- We like to watch the show.
Myself, my family.
- Good.
Even the youngest ones.
Seven years old, he love it.
It's on quite late for a seven-year-old, I would have thought.
Is it comedy? Can I just check the repair? What's the name of the other one, he's very funny.
He's so funny This hasn't been done.
He's our favourite one, you know.
You of course Can we talk about the coat for a second? It hasn't been done.
Let me see.
Oh, no, here - they've sewn it for you.
Yeah, but it was supposed to be invisible, so you couldn't see it had been sewn.
Well, it's very difficult to do that.
To make it so it doesn't show is very difficult.
I know it's difficult, that's why I didn't do it myself.
It says, ''Invisible mending'', so I thought ''that's where I'll take my coat'' but this isvisible mending.
- I know.
- How does that help, saying ''I know''? All invisible mending is done in Dulwich.
Yeah.
We send it there, they do it, they send it back.
So what? My point is they haven't done it, they've just stitched it up.
- I know.
- But it was gonna be invisible.
My friend, it's impossible to do that.
There's always gong to be a little bit that's going to show.
- So really you don't do invisible mending.
- Not if you want it completely invisible.
My point is, something's either completely invisible or it isn't invisible at all.
I know! Stop saying ''I know'' because at the moment we're having an argument You know, so stop agreeing.
This is going to be on television show? - No, this is purely about the coat.
- You're very funny.
Look, let me tell you this.
I'll send this back to those bastards in Dulwich and they'll mend it for you completely nice, no problem, and at no extra cost.
No extra cost? No extra cost.
And your dress is ready.
Did you get the stains out or is that not possible either? Sorry about this.
He's just, er Can you see that? You can see it, can't you? Here, there you go.
One dress ready, all semen stains have been removed.
You what? The semen.
Your wife said you put semen on it.
It's all gone.
Cinnamon.
It was cinnamon from a cappuccino.
- It's the same thing.
- It's not, there's a crucial difference.
Anyway, it's all gone, so £12.
50 for this, please.
I'm gonna pay you any money till my coat's been repaired.
I can't let you take the dress until I've been paid.
Fine, I don't care.
Keep the dress, it doesn't matter.
I just want my coat repaired properly.
Fine.
My Funnyman.
It was cappuccino.
It was cappuccino.
Oh, OK.
Well, if you're sure.
- You'll definitely look good next to Vanessa.
- (Rick laughs ) Right, great.
I'll give them the green light on it, then.
OK, bye! God, you're a piece of work, you are.
You knew that was gonna happen.
Well, it's a shame you didn't do a fitness video 20 years ago, I could have got you on it too.
- Did you pick up my dress? - No, it wasn't ready.
They rang to say it was ready.
Well, they might call that ready but I don't.
- What was wrong with it? - They made a real pig's ear of my coat.
- What about my dress? - That was fine.
- Why didn't you bring it back, then? - I'm not paying him till they've done my coat.
Thanks! I needed that for Saturday.
Well, it was your idea to involve me in all this.
I don't want to get mixed up in all your dry-cleaning issues.
All right.
Give me the ticket, then.
He hung on to it.
He said that would be better that way.
You lost it.
Yeah.
I did.
Yeah.
If you do go and get your dress, maybe you could get my coat as well because No, I'll get my coat.
That was a silly idea.
Do you want some wine or? What's all this, then? You're not thinking of trading in the scooter, are you? God, no.
No.
No, I was just thinking maybe it'd be good to have stuff with more luggage capacity so I can carry stuff around.
- What sort of stuff? - For instance, I might wanna go swimming.
You never go swimming.
They have these boxes I can keep my towel and trunks in.
- Can't you just have a bag on your back? - Goggles - Like normal people? - No, then I'd have to carry it round all day.
Do you know how much a towel weighs when it's wet compared to when it's dry? It practically trebles in weight.
- You think Stella Darell was related to a towel?.
- (Door opens ) Hi, Sam.
How was your day? Er, yeah.
Fine.
- Did you find your iPod? - Er, no.
Erm, look, Dad, Ben's really sorry for what he said about the scooter.
Really, it Sometimes he says things like that about stuff.
But he doesn't mean that exactly.
- Tell him it's fine.
- It's more like slang.
Don't worry.
Anyway, I'm gonna head upstairs.
- See you.
- Bye.
- What did Ben say? - I don't know what she meant.
I didn't even hear Ben mention the scooter.
- That's strange, cos it did sound - You know she's lost the iPod? She's like the Bermuda Triangle, that girl.
I have finished.
So, tomorrow I see you.
- Mm-hm.
- Thanks, Magda, see you tomorrow.
Bye.
Erm, I hope your mum's feeling better if you call her.
I will call but she will not be better.
- Ohh - Think it must be worse now.
Well, call her anyway.
All that positive energy can only help.
I will call.
- And I like new scooter.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm pleased with it.
Ben I think is not polite to say you are gay if you have it.
Good night.
Good night.
That must be what he said.
I didn't hear him say that.
It's funny, yeah.
This one's quite good.
That's quite a good model cos you got the pannier I was walkin' around in the sun Takin'pictures of everyone And there's somethin' on the tip of my tongue Why offer invisible mending as a service if you have no idea how to do it? Yes, yes.
I sent a pair of curtains for invisible mending once, tear all the way down the middle.
- Both of them? - What? It was a pair of curtains.
Were they both torn or just one? - Both were torn.
- How? Oh, there was aan incident.
Anyway, the dry-cleaner said they'd be back in a week I can see how you might tear one curtain down the middle but two? How did that happen? I don't remember.
Sorry.
Anyway, and this is the reason I'm telling you, they came back beautifully repaired.
Good! Good.
I may still have his number, if you're interested.
It's OK, he's doing it again.
It'll be fine, thanks.
Right.
Anything to eat today? We've got lentil and chestnut soup or pine nut and courgette quiche.
Ah, good.
I'll havejust a coffee for now, I think.
- Is that a new jacket, by the way? - This? Yeah, I'm getting a motorbike.
Oh, well, it's very smart.
Very smart indeed, if I may say so.
- How you going, Michael?.
- Hello.
- Just a coffee, thanks, Michael.
- Two coffees.
(Sighs ) Hey.
- You look like crap.
- Thank you very much.
Are you not eating properly? No, I'm not eating here.
I'm sick of eating here.
- What's wrong? - Everything here tastes like bark.
- It's not that bad.
- It does.
Can't we eat somewhere else? Oh, I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
He's very sensitive.
So's my stomach.
You know what Mel told me about Michael?.
He used to work in the City.
Had a complete nervous breakdown.
Had to give it up, opened this place instead.
You Brits don't know how to do nervous breakdowns properly.
- No, I can't - In the States, you have a breakdown - You have to do everything bigger and better.
- You don't open a wholefood restaurant.
You become a bum, you put all your stuff in a shopping cart and pick food out of garbage cans.
- Actually - Two coffees.
- Have you decided what you'd like to eat yet? - Er Just another minute, thank you.
I was gonna What's this? - That's the business card of the dry-cleaner.
- OK, thank you.
- Don't know if you wanna make a note of it.
- I will, thank you.
Marty, do you have a pen? Thank you.
Even his coffee sucks.
- It's organic coffee.
- I miss American coffee.
Oh, come on.
It's full of pesticides.
That's what gives it its flavour.
That's why all Americans are retards.
Is that a new jacket? Yeah, it's for the bike.
- Scooter.
- For now, yeah, but Looks new.
What's wrong with something new looking new? It's a motorcycle jacket.
It's not supposed to look like a gift from your mother.
It's not a gift from my mother.
This is the Marlon Brando range.
It looks more likeGeorge Michael.
Oh, so now it's a gay jacket to go with my gay scooter, is it? Can I have the pine nut and courgette quiche, please? - Certainly.
Do you want a rice salad with that? - Probably just some Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you need that back? No, it's fine, really.
(Rick) Sorry.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Oh, you got your dress? - Yeah, and guess what? I got your coat too.
Do you know why? Because I'm normal.
Look, they've done a fantastic job.
Isn't that amazing? - Well, it is now invisible.
- Yeah.
That's not amazing, cos that's what was supposed to have happened.
Well, if you go to a restaurant and ask for soup and they bring you soup, that's not amazing - No, thank you for getting it.
- It's a pleasure.
What are you up to? Oh, this is the hog I might get.
The what? If you own a Harley you call it a hog.
Oh.
So we're ditching the wussy scooter, are we? It's got a nice big engine, good luggage capacity You will still wear a helmet, won't you? Of course I'll wear a helmet, it's the law.
Cos that leather cap he's wearing doesn't look too safe.
- Is he wearing a leather cap? - Yeah, look.
Right above the big moustache.
- So what are you saying? - What do you think I'm saying? He's gay? Just a little bit.
So now everyone who rides a Harley is gay? Well, everyone who dresses like that, yeah.
The hankie in the back pocket, the cap, the shiny new leather jacket.
It's a big gay scene.
A hunk like you on a bike like that.
(Inhales ) You wanna watch yourself.
All right.
''There are so many hairdressers here tonight, Billy Elliot's closed for the evening.
'' No? ''I'm sure you enjoyed your after-dinner mints.
'' - Yeah.
- ''90 hairdressers here, ''I haven't been this nervous since I got lost up Brokeback Mountain.
'' Is that our take on this, that all hairdressers are gay? What about your old routine? You go to the barber and he still offers you the booster seat.
Yeah, and the cape.
What about you take the mirror and show them the back of the awards? Very good.
''Would you like anything on your award? Some spray?'' ''Bit of gel so you can shove it'' Rick, what is with this homophobic shit? You're paranoid cos you keep buying stuff that people say is gay.
So now you're gonna take it out on an audience that you say is gay cos they're hairdressers? Yeah, I know.
Listen, tell me something, if I bought a Harley, and I went around on it would I look gay? (Sighs ) No.
You'd look like a jerk.
Like a 44-year-old anally retentive overweight loser who's going through a midlife crisis.
Thank you.
That's all I wanted to hear.
- Look at this blossom.
- Now you're starting to worry me.
I didn't mean it in that way.
I'm just saying it looks nice.
What time are you off? Yeah, soon.
Are you feeling all right? Yeah.
Why? Magda said last night you gave her a leather jacket.
Yeah, I did, yeah.
That's the kind of thing I do.
I'm kind, I like to be kind like that.
I thought I'd been a bit unsympathetic about the knee business.
I'm gonna be nicer to Magda from now on.
Well, the jacket, I did buy it myself, you know.
It just didn't look right, it looked like a gift from my mum, so Shame.
It would have looked good on your new motorbike.
Ha ha.
I've been thinking about that.
I'm gonna keep the scooter, I'm happy with it.
Oh, good.
And how were the hairdressing awards? Good, it was a nice gig, yeah.
Good people.
Had with this idea, I had a hand-held mirror, held it behind the award so they could see it.
Marty kept coming up with all this gay material about hairdressers.
Hi, Magda.
How's the leather jacket? It's gone, of course.
What do you mean, it's gone? Has it been stolen? No, not stolen.
I sold already on eBay.
You sold the jacket? Why? - It is an You would say unwanted gift.
- (Mobile ringing) Actually no, you wouldn't say that, not to the person who gave you the gift.
- Hi.
Stella, why are you crying? - It's money I can send home to my mother.
- How much did you get for it? - Why do you want to know? It's my thing.
- But if you gave me a present - Why would I give you a present? That's not the point.
- Sam sold her iPod on eBay.
- Sam sold her iPod? Of course.
Can we have a conversation about the use of the phrase ''of course''? Of course.
That's my point.
You don't just say ''of course'' all the time.
When you say ''of course'' it implies something is obvious (Unrolling sticky tape ) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came