Les Norton (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 And you're sure it was Thumper? Yeah, absolutely.
I was jogging past, I spotted him straightaway.
I went over to say hello and that's when I saw the brothel madam.
Well, there's no point in you stickin' your nose in it, is there? Not if you wanna to continue being a cop.
I mean, far as I can tell, cops don't like dobbers.
We both know Price whacked Doreen, that's a fact.
So now, I'm gonna whack Price.
(LAUGHS) (HORN BLARES) Friends of yours? We want the original marketing campaign.
It is pretty special, isn't it? (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) LES: What's with the bloody health kick? What have you got in there? See, we feed that shit to the horses back home, and mainly when they're sick.
Oh Yeah, you may have a point.
(GROANS) Big night, eh? No, not particularly.
I just took some potential clients out for dinner.
- (LOUD MUSIC) - Whoo! Yes! Sounds pretty big to me.
It did get a bit blurry near the end, there.
I am pretty sure they were angling to come back here for the night.
If you say so.
How's this? They want to launch Bowen Lager in Thailand.
- Mm? - There were pretty keen to meet you.
I gave them the address.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Told 'em to swing by on the weekend and we'd take 'em out for a feed.
Sure.
Nice blokes? Nice enough.
Did not mind a drink, that's for sure.
They were still charging when I pulled the plug.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Good on ya, Loz! I mean, you you knew where to draw the line.
You said, "Sorry, fellas, I'm a corporate hotshot - and I'm headin' home.
" - Exactly.
- I mean, not straight home.
- No? I'm pretty sure I stopped off at the Sheaf for a nightcap.
Hmm.
(GROANS) - Yeah, I'm pretty sure you did, too.
- (DOOR CLOSES) Well, a girl's gotta blow off steam every now and then.
I mean, I am working round-the-clock at the moment! Mm.
So, actually, you know what I don't need, Leslie? I don't need to come home to this pigsty! What? It's alright, isn't it? Les! It's a shitbox! I am an account manager now.
I need to live like one.
Ever since you moved in, this place is a wreck.
We can't keep living like reprobates.
Yeah.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Yeah, nah.
Oi? Wanna do something practical, like get the vacuum out? Or it's garbage night, you could take it out for once.
Or we get a cleaner and we go halves! I have to work all day and do everything around here.
I'm not a machine! That's highly debatable.
- Les - (DOOR CLOSES) I'm serious! I need you to pull your finger out.
You know what? I'll do you one better.
I'll save your life.
You're not gonna last long on the bloody horse food, are ya? I'll cook dinner tonight.
Please, not another Dirranbandi fry-up! Lord! Well well, what? What do you want, then? I don't I don't know! Something worth eating? Surprise me.
Just don't let me come home to this! Fucking fuck! NARRATOR: When Les first came to Sydney, he was your classic fish out of water.
But Lozza changed all that when she threw open her doors to the big bloke after knowing him for all of a minute.
So, whatever else he could say about her, and there was a fair bit he could say, he couldn't knock her loyalty.
And if she was filthy, Les needed to make it right, quick smart, starting with a little redecorating.
Meanwhile, across town, Dolores was doing a bit of spring-cleaning of her own.
Only in her case, it was less about the furniture and more about going through her dead sister's stuff, which had her thinking about vendettas and how to start softening up the enemy.
Alright, this one Excuse me, hello? Um Alright, game day, boys.
Give us a call when you get the 50 grand.
Huh? (MAN COUGHS) Dolores is gonna take you out for a big feed, yeah? Celebrate! (CAR ENGINE STARTS) (CAR DRIVES AWAY) (LES WHISTLES HAPPILY) (LES WHISTLES) (CHUCKLES) (WHISTLES) MAN: Lezzy! Ha-ha-ha! Hey, great to see ya, mate! Good to see ya! NARRATOR: Les had not been in town all that long.
But unfortunately, he'd been there time enough to make the acquaintance of one Gary Kanarakis.
This dropkick was one of those blokes who's mates with everyone, in his own head, and was living proof of the old saying, "You don't need a long neck to be a goose.
" Jeez, Lezzy.
(SIGHS) So, what are you doin'? Well, Gaz, seein' as I'm standin' here, at a fish shop, lookin' at fish, what do you think I'm doin'? You're buyin' fish.
- Not much gets past you, does it? - Nah.
Well, at least that's what I was thinking about doing, till I saw those prices.
I could throw a rock and hit the ocean from here.
They're asking bloody five bucks for a flathead.
Shit, Lezzy, bad idea.
NARRATOR: "Lezzy".
For a quick moment, Les thought he'd just chuck Gaz into the fish truck.
Wouldn't raise the IQ level on the ice one bit.
Don't call me Lezzy.
You don't wanna get fish from these guys, mate.
They get 'em all in from China.
It says local bream and local flathead on the sign.
Bullshit, bullshit! They get 'em in from China, and they feed them all sorts of weird chemical shit.
You eat these fish, mate, you get cancer.
What kind of cancer? Cancer of the brain, mate.
How do I know? I'm not a fuckin' gynaecologist.
Yeah, but how do you know you get cancer? Everybody knows it, mate.
They just don't wanna tell ya.
Tell you what, mate.
You see, right now, the red snapper, they're running out off the point.
And I was about to go grab myself some.
You should come along.
Uh, look, I'm pretty flat-out today, I'm just gonna Come on, mate! You said you wanted fish.
You can't go past your red snapper.
Best eating fish in the ocean.
Apart from your perch Your flathead, your whiting, your kingies, your bream Anyway, you come out with me, we catch a fuckin' truckload, you get yourself a big feed, and all for nothin'.
For nothin'? Sounds pretty good to me.
Yeah, you bloody ripper, mate! Hey, but listen, I'm gonna go home first, grab my rod, you know, the rest of my gear, I'll come, Nah, nah, no need, mate! I've got everything you need down at the marina.
Wait, wait, hold up.
You got a marina? Might get me one of these.
It cost much to run? Nah, mate.
Cheap as chips.
She runs on practically nothing.
Actually, when I say practically nothing, she actually burns through quite a lot of running costs, you know, maintenance, cleaning, that sort of shit.
- But I'll tell you what, Lezzy - Uh-uh, don't call me Lezzy.
Whatever.
'Cause you're a mate, because I like you I'm only gonna charge you 10 bucks for bait and fuel.
- How does that sound? - 10 bucks? I took Timmy Fowler out last week and nearly charged him 40.
- That's bullshit.
- Nearly 40.
Come on, you tight-arse, don't be such a malaka.
It's just 10 bucks.
Ah, shit.
Looks like all I got's a 20, Gaz.
That'll do us.
I'll pay you back next time we bump into each other.
Now, come with me NARRATOR: By this time, Les's mood was deteriorating fast.
He'd just dropped 10 bucks for the privilege of spending a couple of hours with this deadshit, hours he could have been spending sprucing up the house.
Still, he knew a feed of red snapper would put a smile on Lozza's dial.
And besides, 'Chez Norton' didn't need that much work.
Come on, let's go.
Don't stop here, Gaz.
Look at all this shit.
Mate, this place Bondi Outfall's a boon to all good fishermen, mate.
The only thing you're gonna catch here is cigars and Bondi mud fish.
At least the fish in the bloody market get the nice chemicals from China.
You know the government's trying to get rid of the sewer outfall? Dumbest idea they ever had.
Bondi's famous for the bloody thing.
Look! Look how much colour it adds to the place! Mate, if they get rid of it, you watch, the fish and the tourists, they're gonna stop coming, mate.
I highly doubt that, Gaz.
Mate, the government wouldn't know it's arse from a hole in the ground.
Fair dinkum.
Two words, Lezzy, two words you gotta remember, mate.
Use your head.
Alright? Keep it in mind.
Keep it in mind.
NARRATOR: So, while Les was dodging bullets by bobbing around in the Bondi Outfall, the young probationary constable also found herself in murky waters.
Something she'd been nervously anticipating since she arrived in the Cross.
And there it was, an invitation to the dark side.
And one that she was going to politely decline for as long as she could.
GAZ: Oh, jeez (CACKLES) What a beauty.
Jesus.
Shit, Lezzy, not having much luck, are you? Don't call me Lezzy.
Struth, mate.
I'm gonna run out of bait at this rate, eh? Hey, listen, Gaz, I'm getting sunburnt and I'm feeling pretty seasick.
I reckon it's about time we call it a day, eh? You big pussy.
Here.
Have a go at those.
Just stare at the horizon, mate, they reckon that helps.
Alright? - What's that? - What's what? That little buoy.
- That'll be a lobster pot, mate.
- Yeah? - Why don't we go have look then? - No, mate.
No.
You can't just go and special some bloke's lobsters.
Why the hell not? They're lobsters, they don't belong to anyone.
There's no-one around, either.
Law of the sea, mate.
See, for us sailors, law of the sea is like history.
It goes back yonks, to Napoleon, to the Vikings.
My ancestors were Vikings, Gaz.
Don't know if you're aware of that.
Right now, I'm getting sunburned, my sea sicknesses is getting worse, so I reckon you turn this little piece of crap around and take me back to land before I go all berserk and take you to Valhalla.
What do you reckon? You wanted to see me, boss? Take a seat, Probationary Constable.
Probationary Constable? OK, boss.
You can call me by my name.
OK, here's the thing.
I'm a reasonable man, wouldn't you say? Yeah.
And as a reasonable man, I like to give my people a chance to to settle in, to give them time to learn the ropes, just fit in with the system.
Yeah? To my way of thinking, there's two kinds of coppers, yeah? There's the one who just fits in.
Knows when it's their turn to shout, takes a drink with everyone else, that kind of thing.
Then there's the other kind.
There's the sort that just thinks they're a little bit better than everyone else.
Knocks back a drink when it's offered.
Now, obviously, I've been watching you for a while.
You know what kind of copper I think you are? Sarge, is there a thousand-dollar elephant in this room? Your probation period's up next month.
I've decided not to renew it.
- Consider this your notice.
- What? The thing is is that you're clever, there's no doubt about it.
Really clever.
But you're not smart.
Yeah? Personnel have been notified, they'll be in touch.
You're wrong.
- Excuse me? - I'll fit in.
It's my job to fit in.
If if if you're such a reasonable bloke, you'll give me another chance.
This is all I've ever wanted to do.
Then maybe it's time you broadened your horizons, huh? - Please? - Don't beg, Constable.
- It really doesn't suit you.
- Doesn't suit? For fuck's sake! Door.
(SLAMS DOOR) (SIGHS) Have a dekko at these beauties, huh? (LAUGHS) I'm not saying you're a shit fisherman, Lezzy, but some blokes have got it and some do not.
And you, obviously, do not.
Let's face it, you couldn't catch a cold if you were naked in bloody Antarctica.
(LAUGHS) But I tell you what I'm gonna do, Lezzy.
Because you're a mate, I'm gonna split this catch with you 50/50.
How does that sound? - You're kidding.
- Nah, mate.
We were both out there the same amount of time.
It's only fair.
Jeez, Gaz.
- Good on ya.
Thanks.
- It's my pleasure, mate.
You can have half a dozen of these babies.
Go on.
Yeah.
For the bargain price of just 10 bucks.
Now, seeing as I've got your 20 already in me skyrocket, I'd say we're all square.
Can't get much better than that, can ya? (CHUCKLES) Tell you what, Gaz.
You can shove that red snapper right up your arse, son.
- Mate - Nah, nah, and I'm not forgetting you owe me 10 bucks either.
You got that? So, next time we bump into each other, you'd better have it right there, in your top pocket.
Understood? Sure, Lezzy.
I I mean, sure, Les.
No chicken curries, mate.
10 bucks, next time we see each other.
You sure you don't want that red snapper? I'm positive.
Be seeing you, Gaz.
NARRATOR: Les had decided he didn't want any snapper because he had a much better idea.
Big and spiky, and waiting out there in a basket just for him.
He'd decided to cook Lozza up a meal for the ages, and everyone knows lobsters trump red snapper any day.
('GREAT SOUTHERN LAND' BY ICEHOUSE PLAYS) Standing at the limit of an endless ocean Stranded like a runaway lost at sea City on a rainy day, down in the harbour Watching as the grey clouds shadow the bay Great Southern Land Great Southern Land You walk alone Like a primitive man And they make it work With sticks and bones I see their hungry eyes It's a hungry home I hear the sound Of the strangers' voices I see their hungry eyes Their hungry eyes Great Southern Land NARRATOR: Les had seen jet skis on the dam back home.
Wasn't real keen on them.
Leaf blowers of the ocean, he reckoned.
The wanker at the helm didn't help that much either.
Oi, dickhead! Great Southern Land Great Southern Land (MAN COUGHS IN OTHER ROOM) (BOTH LAUGH) (TOILET FLUSHES) (GATE SQUEAKS OUTSIDE) (WHISTLING) Hmm.
There you go, fellas.
You're invited to dinner tonight.
How does that sound? (SPEAKS THAI) (MAN SPEAKS THAI) NARRATOR: Now, Les didn't know much about white powder, apart from the fact that back home in Dirranbandi, you cooked scones with it.
Giddy-up.
But he'd been in the city long enough to know that any white powder, especially something wrapped with all the loving care of this stuff, had to be worth a bit of a quid.
But how much exactly? (SIGHS) Alright, fellas.
You stay here.
I'll see you later, alright? (GATE CREAKS) Mr Norton? (CLEARS THROAT) What do you think? Thank you, Bowen Lager.
Thank you, Les Norton.
See, I mean, you can't blame me for being unimpressed with that shitbox you've created at home because I go from this to living with some kind of feral animal.
Well, I've got plans, alright? Hold up.
Feral animal? That's a bit harsh, isn't it? Hmm (CLOSES DOOR) I got this.
(CLEARS THROAT) Now, I know bugger-all, unless it's liquid.
So, what do you reckon that is? (SNORTS) Oh Whoo! Bang! Shit! Ah, God! Leslie You're taking this 'Hollywood' Norton thing a little bit far.
That is Bolivian marching powder.
- Oh.
- That's cocaine.
- That's cocaine? - Mm.
- Good.
- And it's pure.
- Pure, huh? - Mm.
So, I have two questions for you.
A, where did you get it? And, B, can you get me some? A, maybe I'll tell you later.
And, B, shit, no.
What about your health kick? Whatever, tight-arse! You know, you'll be able to afford as much as you want once Bowen Lager gets splashed all over South-East Asia.
They reckon you're gonna be their biggest hit.
Leave it.
Mm-mm.
Hello.
(WATER RUNS) (WATER CONTINUES RUNNING) Mmm, nice.
- Another one? - No, thanks, Price.
Never, uh, drink on the job.
But, uh, yeah, a 15-year-old single malt, of course, a bloke can make an exception.
Yeah.
- There you go, just a sneaky one.
- Oh, thank you.
Mmm.
So, I hear you got a fancy new roulette wheel coming in from the States, mate? Oh, yeah? Where did you hear that from? It's my job to hear these kinds of thing, Mr Galese, sir.
Of course, there'll be a slight extra charge for closure of the street, traffic coordination, that kind of thing.
- Yeah, what traffic? - I'm sure I can arrange some.
No, no, no.
Don't demean yourself.
That'd be way below your pay grade.
Hey, listen, why don't you why don't you send that young copper over? She was in here just the other night, apparently.
Les reckons she's good value.
You know, throw her a bone, see if she can fetch.
She's a friend of ours, isn't she? Well, no, not really, no.
In fact, I'm thinking about terminating her.
- Is that really necessary? - Yeah, afraid so.
I'm gonna have to send her to Dubbo or somewhere.
Oh, it just didn't work out.
Didn't fit in, you know? Oh, well, Raymond, you've got to do what you've got to do, I suppose.
- Hello, Ray.
- Hey, Les.
Thanks, Price.
I'll see you round.
G'day, boss.
Is Eddie around? - Eddie? - Yep.
- What for? - Oh, just um nothing.
What, you're here to see Eddie about nothing? Oh, no, no.
I just, um I come across two choice lobsters.
Yeah Yeah, I heard, uh, Eddie's got a great recipe for mornay.
- Eddie has? - Yep.
- Well, he'd burn water, wouldn't he? - Oh, look, it's just what I heard.
Alright, fair enough.
Lobster mornay, eh? That's nice.
Hey, who are you trying to impress, eh? Hey? It's that pretty young copper, is it? Hey, I'll let you in on a secret, if it, um if it is a secret, I'd get a wriggle-on 'cause I don't think she's gonna be here that much longer.
- What do you mean? - Yeah, I just heard from Thumper.
He's gonna give her the arse.
Reckons he can't trust her.
Can't trust He can fuckin' talk! NARRATOR: And it was right about then that Les was wishing he had a bit more filter between his little old brain and his big old mouth.
Something you wanted to say, son? Nah, nah, just nothin'.
What, you came here to get a fuckin' cooking recipe from Eddie? Come on, son.
Treat me with a little bit more respect than that, please.
Come on.
Let's hear it.
NARRATOR: As far as Les could see, he had two options, to fold or double down.
And Les could barely fold a T-shirt.
There's uh, there's something I've been meaning to tell ya.
Ah.
Yeah.
You know that, um you know that little park - down near the beach at Maroubra? - Uh-huh.
Well, there I am, just minding my own business, and who do I see with this stupid little dog? And? And who's he talking to? None other than Dolores Bognor.
You sure it was her? Definitely wasn't her dead sister, I know that much.
They were having a good little chinwag, them two.
Hmm.
What were you doing there again? I told you, just minding - Minding your own business? - I was going for a run.
Boss, you didn't know I don't like to stick my nose in nothin'.
I just I just figured you'd want to know.
That's all.
Yeah.
Oh, well No, fair enough.
Hey, and let us know how that uh, mornay goes, hey? Sure thing, boss.
You got it.
(PHONE RINGS) Sergeant Ray Burrell.
Price? Uh yep.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
Sure.
OK, see you then.
Christ, Price.
Right, we just spoke on the phone 20 minutes ago.
What are we sitting here for, mate? I'm kind of flat-chat, you know? Look, I appreciate you're a busy man, Ray.
They're lovely parks, these, aren't they? They're very important for the local community.
Suppose so.
Yeah.
Well, you got your kids playing, you got your mummies pushing their prams.
Bloke walking his stupid dog.
You've got a dog, haven't you, Ray? What's it called? - Maxxie.
- Maxxie.
Maxxie.
Jeez, that's a top name for a copper's dog, isn't it? Maxxie You ever bring Maxxie here to do a poo, do ya? - From time to time.
- Time to time.
Right.
Hey, and when you do, what, you ever bump into anybody? I dunno, for instance, Dolores Bognor? You understand why I'd be interested, don't you, Ray? Given our you know, our particular relationship.
What did you two discuss, if you don't mind me asking? I presume it wasn't the result of the second cricket Test.
Want to know what I was doing? I was protecting you, mate.
- Doing what you pay me to do.
- Oh, yeah? How's that exactly? It's like I told you, I arranged to meet her here, told her I knew she was an informant for the AFP, told her I knew that they'd booted her out for feeding too much bullshit and so I I just put it on her, mate, put it right on her.
I said to her, "You steer clear of Price Galese "or I'm gonna tell the entire crime community of Sydney "that you're a snitch, see how that goes for you.
" Mm.
You know, I almost believe you, Ray.
Believe what you bloody well like, mate.
Oh, yeah, next time, if you want to ask me something, just fuckin' ask.
I can do without all these bullshit theatricals.
- Where is everyone? - Huh? Well, get onto them.
I need a couple of cars for a raid on a premises in Surry Hills now.
Dispatch.
Can we please get two cars? - We're heading in to Surry Hills.
Yep - And then come with me.
Well just meet us down in the car park, We're heading there now.
- Where are we going? - Told ya.
You're going to Dubbo.
But because I'm a top bloke, I'm gonna give you a taste of what it means to be a Kings Cross cop.
(SIRENS WAIL) Right, search the joint and find me a videotape.
It'll be marked 'Humper' or something like that.
OK, boss.
OFFICER: Alright, stay where you are.
This won't take long, guys.
It's alright.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) WOMAN: Why don't you just bugger off? (DREAMY MUSIC) I was wondering when you'd come around, big boy.
Yeah, you wish.
Aah! Oh, yeah Toys too.
This is getting hotter by the minute.
Shut your mouth, woman.
NARRATOR: With cops swarming all over the brothel, the madam realised attack was probably the best form of defence.
Can't do that with my mouth shut.
RAY: Alright, stand down, boys! All good, boss? Yeah, yeah, uh, show's over.
I think, uh, we've made our point.
You, uh, coming with us? No, no, I'm going to, uh, question the proprietor.
OK.
Do you? You want me to hang around? No, wait for me in the car.
Door.
Jesus! I'm real popular today, eh? What do you mean? How'd she find where I work out? Reckon I ought to tell Price? Hell, no.
He's got enough on his mind as it is.
And I definitely shouldn't you know? You're kidding, aren't ya? Of course I am! More or less.
Listen.
Can you help me out? I know this this bloke, right? He's come into a bit of, you know Sinus? Cocaine, you idiot! This bloke, he don't know what to do with it.
He doesn't normally do cocaine? - Not really.
- Then tell him to sell it.
Yeah, that's what he figured, but how's he gonna go do that? And how much cocaine does he have to sell? - Two kilo.
- Two kilos! Two kilos, Les?! That's a commercial quantity of level one illicit substance.
Your mate, who's obviously you, you boofhead, is facing 20 years up the river.
Yeah, not good.
Why don't I just get rid of it? I'll I'll go dump it somewhere.
Don't do that! See, that amount of blow is always owned by someone, and when someone owns that amount of blow, they're always a nasty fucker.
- Say they find you - How's he gonna find me? Lets just say they find you, and you're flushing their shit down the dunny.
You're gonna be one dead redhead, brother.
Look, just find out who it is, put it on their front doorstep and leg get out of there like the Devil's chasing after you.
Because at that moment he sure will be.
Come on, Les! NARRATOR: By now, Les's day had turned into crap round the edges.
He'd started out just trying to do the right thing by Lozza, and now, here he was, trying to get rid of two kilos of booger sugar.
Yep, right up a gum tree without a paddle.
What he needed was a plan, and fast.
Well? "Kings X Humper.
" S'pose you're wondering why I wanted this? Nup, not really, Sarge.
You don't want to know what's on it? I, um I don't ask questions about what doesn't concern me.
- Good.
- Learnt that from you, boss.
WOMAN: You bloody perv! What? Are you a flasher? You better be not a flasher.
- Uh, ladies.
- Pair of binoculars and everything.
- You got rope in your car.
- And gaffer tape.
- Yeah, gaffer tape.
- And high heels.
- What?! - Yeah, they dress up.
God, yes.
They can't keep it in their pants.
We ought to call the cops.
No, just Ladies, just stop, alright? It - You're all the same.
- Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
If I was gonna have a bloody perv, I wouldn't need these, would I? I heard that, Schweinhund.
(PHONE RINGING TONE) - MAN: (ON PHONE) Bondi Beach Hire.
- Yeah, uh, g'day, mate.
I think I might have something of yours.
What are you talking about? Look, I, uh I think I've got what you've been looking for.
- Who's this? - Doesn't matter who I am does it, mate? What matters is I've got your lobsters.
Jesus! Alright, you call me back in 15 minutes.
Hooroo.
(PHONE BEEPS) Oh, actually, mate, I'm I'm expecting a call.
You can't call in on these.
Well, you can on this one.
Yeah, bullshit.
Ah How about we call an ambulance and we find out? (ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH) (PHONE RINGING TONE) (PHONE RINGS) What do you want? Uh, yeah, g'day, mate.
Uh, look, there's been a tiny bit of a mix-up and I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong, but I, uh I think I got your merchandise and, look, I want to get it back to you safely.
10 grand, no questions asked.
NARRATOR: 10 grand! Up to this moment, our boy was concentrating on just getting this stuff back to its rightful owners and maybe saving his neck in the bargain.
Les had been in the drug game for all of 12 minutes, but he already knew a decent offer when he heard one.
MAN: (ON PHONE) OK - 20.
Take it or leave it.
- 20,000 bucks? (LAUGHING) Fuck you.
25.
25 grand? - I'm not going one cent higher.
- OK.
No problem.
Good.
I'll give you an address in Double Bay.
You bring the stuff in one hour Ooh, just just hold on a tick now.
I might sound like I'm from the back of buggery, well, I am, but I'm not an idiot.
I want to meet you somewhere where there's lots of people and it's nice and safe.
Name it.
I'll come to you.
Fuck.
RAY: So, I had a bit of a rethink and thought, "Maybe I'm being a bit hasty with the young constable.
" So I said to myself, "You know, Ray, I reckon we could make a Kings Cross copper out of her yet, eh?" You done good back there.
Back where, exactly? That's more like it.
Look, from now on, I want you to view me as a as a mentor.
You know? My door's always open.
Your door's always shut.
Yeah, OK, you haven't earned the right to be fuckin' funny.
Sorry, boss.
Welcome to the team.
Door.
(DOOR CLOSES) (MAN SPEAKS THAI) Afternoon, gents.
- Fuck you.
- What? 25 grand.
That my stuff? Check it.
Whoa, hold on a second.
I know I'm new to this thing, but I'm pretty sure I gotta see the cash first.
OK.
Yeah, I got it tested.
So, I got this mate, right Shut up.
OK.
Well, I'd love to say it's been a pleasure, but Actually, you know what? It has been a pleasure.
- Now, where are my lobsters? - Huh? You heard the man.
No-one's talking to you, bonehead.
I didn't know they were part of the deal.
I Shit! Well, I can go and get 'em if you - For fuck's sake.
- What? Keep the fucking lobsters.
Happily.
I'm gonna enjoy this one.
(WHISTLES) (CLICKS FINGERS) (GATE SQUEAKS) (HUMS HAPPILY) (WHISTLES) (DOOR CLOSES) (SWORD SCRAPES) (GUNSHOTS) Hmm.
(WHISTLES HAPPILY) (CLICKS LIGHT SWITCH) (PHONE RINGS) - You're on with Eddie.
- Yeah.
Eddie, it's Les.
Um I got a bit of a problem.
What kind of problem? Oh, I can't really talk about it on the phone.
OK What the fuck did you ring me for, then? I need someone that No, look, the thing is I got I got 'ead-day uy-gays' here.
You been on the piss, Les? There's 'ood-blay' everywhere.
Can can you just get here? (SIGHS HEAVILY) I'm gonna have to change my mind about you, mate.
It it wasn't me.
I haven't seen anything like this since the night 'Bunny' Benucci tried to try to take out the Penrith Warlocks.
(SIGHS) Lozza's not gonna be impressed.
She already got up me about cleaning up the place.
(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC) Here's what we do.
This calls for the Dingo.
What's a dingo? Yeah? (CHUCKLES) The Dingo.
You're in good hands here, Les.
He's the best cleaner in the business.
I don't suppose it's a very big business? Well, you'd be surprised.
It's the '80s, mate.
He's a busy man.
The thing is, though, being the best in the business, he charges top dollar.
And he likes to get paid pretty quick smart.
What do you mean? Well, there's no 30-day net invoice with this bloke.
He does the job, you give him the money or Well, he's in the business, if you know what I mean.
What's the damage, all-up? All-up, I'd say 40, 50 grand should get you out of trouble.
I can come up with 25 grand cash and I know a bloke that owes me 10 bucks.
I I don't suppose I could maybe just work? Les, mate.
Not even close.
Don't s'pose he likes cars? Yeah, nice cars, these.
Shred the plates, file off the block serial number.
Maybe special with a couple others yet to be collected.
Yeah, good one.
I reckon the Dingo'll go for it.
Thank Christ for that.
Nice work, mate.
Now, you want to piss off for an hour or so? Maybe go to the gym or pub or something? The Dingo doesn't like his clients hanging around.
Alright.
(LAUGHTER) GARY: So so we're out there, it's flat as a witch's tit and he's getting seasick.
I'll tell you what, he'd get seasick in a bloody bath.
Anyway, so I'm reeling in these prime red snapper.
I'm reeling 'em in.
Meanwhile, he's sitting there, getting sunburnt, with his dick in his hand, like a malaka.
His line's over the side, he's getting bugger-all, he's got no idea! (CLEARS THROAT) Lezzy Mate! How you doing? To tell you the truth, Gaz, I've had a bit of a rough day.
Oh, that's no good, mate.
See, you and me, we gotta go fishing more often.
You owe me 10 bucks.
Oh, true, mate, true.
The thing is - I don't have it on me right now.
- Didn't you hear me? Mate, I'd love to help you out.
You know that? OK, Gaz, here's the thing, we agreed last time we bumped into each other, you'd have my 10 bucks sitting right there, in your top pocket.
So right now, I'm about three seconds away from bumping into you real hard.
Malaka.
Jeez.
What do you know? A blue swimmer, right here.
I'll see you later, Lezzy.
You keep in touch, eh? We're mates.
(CHUCKLES) NARRATOR: So after a day of high-seas piracy, unconventional drug dealing, and a not insignificant massacre, Les had finally done what he'd set out to do.
Les! What have you done? What do you reckon? I I don't know what to say.
Did you get a cleaner in? Oh something like that.
Unreal! This it's This is just so special.
Uh, take a seat.
- Who'd have thought, eh? - Mm.
(CHUCKLES) Lobster Thermidor.
Yeah.
I got the recipe from Eddie and he got it from his mate, Dingo, who can cook, apparently.
Well, Leslie, you never cease to surprise.
But after all that blow, I couldn't eat a fuckin' thing.
(LAUGHS) Mm-hm.
(SIREN WAILS) BILLY: Isn't that copper just doing his job? I'm not gonna pay.
They can stick the money where the monkey stuck a pea.
And then what? Go to prison? If it comes to that.
For 35 bucks? You may be as tight as a frog's bum but you're not that tight.
PRICE: Good to see you, Derryn.
Oh, if it isn't the Prince of Punt himself.
Seriously, I am seconds from calling bullshit here, Leslie.
Where's your sense of adventure? MAN: Pour it all out.
It feels as though the timing of your arrival is propitious.
Bloody propitious, eh? Let's talk about Dolores Bognor, shall we? (TOOL BUZZES) Aaah! Aaah! Aaagh!